Why Doesn't My Life Work? ACOA's - Special Guest Jerry Wise, Relationship Expert, Life Coach

- Special Guest Jerry Wise, Relationship Expert, Life Coach shares his experience helping Adult Children of Alcoholics recover. Jerry Wise not only has a broad experience with marital and family therapy, he also has had experience in social work, pastoral counseling, and addiction treatment. Many marriages suffer today with one or both spouses growing up in alcoholic/addicted homes, creating troubles with intimacy, anger, abandonment, codependency and parenting. Jerry Wise offers Janet Woititz's 13 characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics, he add several characteristics of his own giving the listener insight and help with recovery. Call Jerry Wise, MA, MS at 317-919-6264 and sign up on the Family Tree Counseling Channel.

[@shadrach6299]

I spent years trying to make my parents "normal". My dad died in misery. I just gave up on my mother. Now I have a complete feeling of freedom.

[@FearfullyandWonderfullyMade.]

I come from a long family tree of alcoholics and even though I never became one, I've been doing all these characteristics to myself. Even now at 26, nothing feels like it's working out. Can't have fun, feeling different, relationships turn out painful because I'm loyal to guys who don't deserve it. I tried to get help from a school counselor at 16, to prevent future misery but somehow my parents found out and it was probably one of the worst years of my life. I'll never forget age 16 because I got in major trouble for trying to get help for us. Help is not a bad thing. My sisters hated me for talking to a counselor. To me that's normal, to family, that's betrayal. I'm not sorry at all because I know something isn't right, even if we don't live together anymore, the effects are still there and I deserve happiness.

[@valvechewy1558]

I couldn't believe when I read your response Miss J, I am 36 years old and my childhood experience was nearly identical. long family history of alcoholism, my own battle with alcoholism, I went to a school counselor as a teen and severely punished as a result and treated like I was betraying my family and "there was nothing wrong you just want attention" it was horrible. I have all the acoa traits. it's uncanny.

[@lovelylady0200]

+Miss J My father has been an alcoholic all my life ( I will be turning 30 in six months). I never sought help, I was always told what happens in the house stays in the house from a young age: I was also a latchkey child because my mom got out of work at 8pm and my father came out of work at 5pm but went out drinking with his friend till 9pm....

[@melissasherriff1378]

Oh my word!!! i need you in South Africa. Everything you just said is me. I actually want to cry about this for the first time in my life because you said it what i have been and no one has understood me or cared and i dont get help.

[@brettoflaherty9816]

i am 37, i grew up with an alcoholic mother who eventually drank and pilled herself to death by the time i was 26, life was torture, and its still bad, i never had a normal day as a child, and i feel like I'm a social out cast, its hard for me to meet people because i have nothing normal to talk about, my normal conversations are dark and I'm oblivious to it and it pushes people away. 

[@patglennon9671]

same as

[@brettoflaherty9816]

iv just come to a revelation today by finding out that am an acoc, today i begin my healing, i am lucky to be alive, so many times iv almost killedmyself thanks for this video

[@Gracie193rrf]

watching this made me cry as it just sounded so much like me and my situation! thank you from the uk

[@nicolemarsh-mueller511]

This whole list is so me. I definitely look fir constant approval. My situation is one where my mother was herself an acoa, but was also an active alcoholic. As such she never shamed me or made me feel like she didn't approve of me, but she 1) was neglectful bec of her addictions, and 2) she was hyper critical of herself and modeled that for me as the norm. And she married my dad who was rather stoic and critical. Glad to know this isnt just me- that its a much wider problem.

[@LisaS1]

Hi Jerry! I finally got myself a counselor but they couldn't give me a 2nd appointment for nearly 1 month. I don't know as yet how good my counselor will be. I've become totally estranged from my 4 older siblings. I've ended up living in a mid-sized, unexciting city that I do not feel happy in. I hate no money to travel nor do I have a car making life pretty dull. I'm sorry; I know I'm sounding very negative. I feel like I have no life.

[@NihouNi]

Oh my word, I'd never thought about the view of systems problem or the inability to value self before. What an eye opener! Thankyou for taking the time to put this up. Bless you and your work.

[@marylou7089]

I'm so glad I borrowed Woititz' book from the library. I found this list of traits alarming and depressing and I've been a grateful member of Al-Anon for several years, but then I remembered the slogan, "progress, not perfection". The author warns in the book not to use the list to confirm to ourselves how damaged we are. She even wrote that she knew we would do that. I look forward to finishing the book to learn strategies to heal. Jerry Wise, are you using our traits to get business?

[@jamesmills705]

Thank you soooo much for this video. Im an ACOA and things are finially making sence. I cant beleve it took me so long to find this. I wish it hadve happened sooner before I messed my life up.

[@SassyLittleFrassie]

Thank you so much for your videos. Your channel is such a valuable resource for me.

[@ninamosti4402]

Thank you Dr. Wise for such important information to understand ourselves and reover.

[@patriciaowens3479]

Thanks so much. My sister and I have been through the mill and I am older now...(73 this fall) and she is 2 years younger. No parents since 10...drinking and marrying drinkers. But I have such faith now and that gives me peace and she also. Still I could identify with all you listed too...easily. wow. Thanks. God bless.

[@lolavonvegan6770]

Me to I trying to understand how did I get here. I just had a 2 year relationship with and alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic father.

[@wendy645]

Most of these definitely apply to me, and I found myself tearing up listening. Thnakfully I have just started sessions with a great counselor who advised me to explore more about ACoA. This stuff is ringing true and I'd really like to explore it further. Thank you for the book recommendation and I will look for more of your videos now!

[@melonsoda123]

This perfectly describes the traits of someone in my family... wonderful video.

[@h9ooo]

I am writing a paper on that subject and You helped me a lot :) It also thaught me how to interpret some types of behaviour in my closest environment

[@markrichmond2168]

Love your videos- just joined. Shame and abandonment for me have been the key areas. When I focus on areas that avoid these two components I get in trouble. Thanks so much for your outstanding work.

[@remedyfarm]

Your extra characteristics are bang on. Focus on process from high above and note actions not words. Thanks:)

[@hopesouthstar4304]

These symptoms seem to apply to people who experienced war in their childhood.

[@michellelyman7092]

+hope southstar yep because it was

[@timothyboland2784]

thank you!

[@terristorms7496]

I felt as if one by one by the numbers you summed up my entire life but learning and healing albeit late better than never

[@19Anxiety85]

When you talked about that ACoA's feel like they're different from others, it put a tear to my eye... That is one of the things I really now struggle with as an result of growing up with an drug- and alcohol abusing mother. Thank you, from Sweden.

[@worksupermodel]

this video helped me so much. Going to find book. it helped me identify more clearly how my family was effected and even the ways my little single parent family is effected. Despite everything in MY past, what you said about generations being effected I can see. thank you so much!!! Maybe I'll call you after I start the book. Peace and blessings to you.

[@olydriver]

I came here because, well... at almost 50 years old, and my life still doesn't work! I have many of these problems and it is quite possible that I have all of them and do not recognize them because I do understand because of my normalcy issues. I do know that I was raised by alcoholic parents and my life is still chaos because I do not know how to live. That said, thank you for your video Jerry, I will look into the resources, and I may even be in touch in the days to come.

[@dim20ple]

thank you...

[@darlenep422]

Hey jerry can you post the lists of ACOA with the ones you added. Great video by the way.

[@Paseosinperro]

Wonderful video. I find really interesting the point of being loyal no matter what. What I am thinking is: Wouldn't it apply to just everyone who has suffered poor parenting?

[@2uconner]

I just had a break through about my Mom and she was a hard core drinker near the end of her life just when I needed her most she could nt be there I mean it was so crazy she had a perfect place for retirement and alot of money and it went out the window my drug addict brother they are both dead now literally .......this is really true to the core for me I am an adult child of an achoholic even though she is gone and my Dad who drank is gone I am just getting it and I am in my 50's It is very ure what these programs say I am in Alanon I am focusing on self believe me I AM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF it works I am free .....I love to feel this light I didnt know my Mom and Dad had so much to do with my dysfuntional life ....I love Alanon

[@2uconner]

***** thanks I am over coming recovery is a long road but since I found my higher power in alanon I am letting go of guilt and harboring unfound grief I had no idea I could be so free The sickness of Alcholism has been in my life for many yrs and I did nt know it made me sick also I was Mary Marter terible place to be Now I give my burdens up I am on step 1 or 2 ....My family of origin is a messy mess because of drug and drinking I have been so over whelmed by ppl places and things but once I am out in the open doing things and going about my daily business I am ok I was also head injured in my youth so I have been learning to maintain my equaliberium I am very pretty smart considering all the Dysfunction 'I am painting again and singing I am an Artist......and I am doing Yoga and working out Spirit .Mind and Body .The core essense of maintaining inner well being The oldest Yoga instructor on line is 92 .....amazing

[@michellelyman7092]

I grew up in a family with a parent who worked excessively long hours and wasn't around alot and the other parent did not work and abused alcohol - it was not a good way to grow up. I married a man who grew up with heavy drinking parents, one died of a heart attack and the other of cirrhosis of the liver and one sibling who also was an alcoholic and literally drank himself to death at a young age - this man I married also abused alcohol and has not had a drink in over 30 yrs. I used to drink and I no longer drink either having made that choice on my own. I used to chair al-anon meetings back in the old mIRC days in the early to mid 90's. I've been married almost 24 yrs and have good credit and a long term job that I will be retiring from in a couple more years. My sister has moved from place to place and never had any long term relationships or employment situations and has been out of work more than she has worked in her life, has no credit and so on and now she just got out of detox after 5 days at a local hospital and today was her assessment as an outpatient at a rehab center. About 6 wks ago I told her I couldn't be part of her life anymore unless she got help because I could tolerate any longer the negative effect trying to help her was having on me. I have to keep reminding myself still that I didn't cause all this and I can't cure it - with so many of your points I shook my head and said Yep....

[@michellelyman7092]

I just wish I had stumbled upon you years ago

[@Eclectifying]

This describes me very well, except a few of the traits do not describe me at all.

[@tributeact6995]

for years i have been walking around in lead boots,feeling emotionally detached,my kids that i love in a strange kind of way but not like a real father should, am so tired at 55 i feel like letting go. ave made the best of the hand i have been dealt, i wouldnt want to go through this again, not in a million years.am so so tired.

[@thomasmclaughlin3948]

Bingo!!!!

[@bonim5180]

Thank you jerry wise,I'm australian and we just don't have this truth in our culture,because our culture is drinking it's disgusting I have had no help with my issues of alcoholic parents then very high functioning alcoholic husband,thank you you clarified a lot for me...

[@lonestaracaintergroup9829]

Bronwyn Thornton There are quite a few ACA meetings in Australia, as well as telephone and internet meetings. Check out their website at www.adultchildren.org

[@ninamosti4402]

Why are there almost no groups for ACOA, at least in Mexico City. I would like to open one, what resources are needed in terms of literature etc? That you use in groups in the States?

[@ChloeLouiseTheRonnieRepublic]

My mother basically had and has the life of PL Travers.....Saving Mr. Banks. There are very many stories about her on the internet. She caused a lot of problems for her adopted son. My mother is very arrogant. It is a sad story all the way around. She is like Bill O'Reilly with a touch of Richard Nixon thrown in......and 97. I am sad for everyone involved and wish all of us the best. It is encouraging to hear from others and tips on surviving this syndrome. My blog is the ronnie republic.....Why I am divorcing my mother and marrying my cat.

[@jodieakers7881]

are you in my head. this is me wow I've never in 48yrs heard someone talk about me. I can't believe it.

[@nadi67]

why we are so sensitive over critic? Because we got criticised all the time?

[@momswhoheal]

Please explain "systems view"

[@Snackay]

Aren't all these aspects from Dr. Janet Woititz's book?

[@user-wj3yr7xr2f]

I think there is more people seeing content (nr 15) over process. Does that mean most of us is adult children?

[@Rex80123]

I am an ACOA. I see a psychologist but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have no friends because I don't expect anyone to understand my struggles. I live in a rural area so there's not a lot of support groups here either. I want to get better but I don't feel I'm worth it. What can I do?

[@biomecaman3514]

try a facebook or online group? Online sounds like your best option, maybe take a vacation to a city with a support group and meet up

[@radusabau3582]

I have more of these trades then i like to admit. How do i start to change this? I live in a country where there is no ACOC or specialized therapist on this issue. I tried to get help when i was in high-school, the experience was a disaster, the therapist was terrible , he keeper telling me i'm immature and when i grow up i will see things differently . I tried to work on this on my own but i can't really change the wiring in my head i keep relapsing to this way of life.

[@1969works]

working in ACOC without support therapist or grup of ACOC it gives nothing ...I ve been throught...it dosen't work ..try to get any help from others ...otherwise u will fight with your thoughts without ant feedback...no recovery regards....

[@remedyfarm]

Maybe when the therapist grows up (s)he will counsel people differently lol. There are so many good resources online like this channel and others. Spartanlifecoach is a good one too and you will find others that will help. Good luck! You may feel the journey is too slow sometimes, but keep taking notes and just keep on keeping on:)

[@ChloeLouiseTheRonnieRepublic]

Yes, Mother is still going behind my back and bashing me to everyone--it is very frustrating--she is the original swooning victim. I guess she is so needy she will do anything to anyone to have her emotional needs met. I love watching helpful vids and this might sound odd at first but I have recently discovered Jordan Belfort, the Wolf of Wall Street. I have always loved selling and his vids are very good but what they are really talking about is self-confidence. i wish he was my mom.

[@remedyfarm]

What they are REALLY about is manipulation of people into buying his "system". He's only paid back about $243k of the $110 million he owes his victims - and he's being allowed to pay them back very slowly (no doubt he's lying about his income so he can pull this off too). Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and you may also find that you find him "interesting", so to speak, only because you mistake his delivery for "confidence". Keep on learning:))

[@lonestaracaintergroup9829]

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families Find ACA support groups at www.adultchildren.org/ No cost

[@rellispe]

Lone Star ACA Intergroup Thanks for posting this. Surprised he did not mention ACA in this video

[@jksynth]

Why don't you tell your own story?

[@rudolfoserrano3833]

I hope she takes all your money and makes a fool out of you.lol tell the truth 😄😋