Bizarre Distorted Realities Family Scapegoats Live With

Join my online educational and peer-support community for FSA adult survivors on Substack. Learn more by visiting familyscapegoathealing.substa...
Ep. 2 - Bizarre realities family 'scapegoats' live with due to reality distortion and false narratives: Has this happened to you? A family member frequently displays inappropriate, hurtful, egregious behavior (they may be cruel, sarcastic, dismissive, or they engage in excessive drug or alcohol use, etc); yet, when you are at a family gathering, the family focuses on YOUR behavior and deems YOU as being the "problem" family member. Sound familiar? For an adult survivor of family scapegoating abuse (FSA), this is a common occurrence, and this insidious form of 'invisible' abuse can ESCALATE and INCREASE as you become HEALTHIER and begin to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. In this video, I explain why this can happen in dysfunctional or narcissistic families - And it is ESPECIALLY likely to happen if you are the family Empath. Scroll down to see chapters. Read my article on narcissistic family abuse to learn more:
www.scapegoatrecovery.com/202...
🔥 TRIGGER WARNING: All videos on this channel address scapegoating and psycho-emotional abuse and could be activating. Viewer comments may be activating as well.*
✅ You can purchase my best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', on Amazon: amzn.to/3sEaqcx. Or buy from your favorite online book retailer via this secure Universal Buy Link (UBL): books2read.com/intro2fsa.
VIDEO CHAPTERS
00:00 - Intro
00:56 - Subscriber's bizarre dysfunctional family experience
03:11 - When the scapegoat is seen as "the problem"
05:06 - The unspoken rules of dysfunctional family systems
06:20 - Truth in dysfunctional or narcissistic families
08:40 - Functional family systems versus dysfunctional ones
09:32 - 'Radical acceptance' of painful, confusing realities
10:08 - Distorted perceptions that are unlikely to change
10:47 - What leads to the breaking of ties
12:36 - Choosing your environment - and who is in it
✅ Subscribe to this KZbin channel. Tap the white bell to be notified of of my latest free video offering: / @beyondfamilyscapegoat...
💡 INTERNATIONAL SINGLE-SESSION SCAPEGOAT RECOVERY VIDEO CONSULTATIONS: Due to the prohibitive length of my waiting list for weekly sessions, I am now offering Single-Session Consultations. Learn more by visiting www.scapegoatrecovery.com/sca...
💡Learn more about my work on FSA, my book, and my FSA recovery coaching services, visit scapegoatrecovery.com.
💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/you...
💡DISCLAIMER TWO: Some of these links go to website and some are affiliate links where I'll earn a small commission if you make a purchase at no additional cost to you.
💡 DISCLAIMER THREE: The education provided in these videos is GENERAL in nature and INFORMATIONAL only and should not be substituted for clinical care. You are advised to consult a Mental Health professional or Health Care provider regarding your specific situation. I am unable to answer questions regarding your specific situation, nor will I engage in diagnostics regarding people who are not my clients.
===============================================================================
🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
===============================================================================
🔴 INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE: www.suicide.org/international-...
===============================================================================
Copyright 2023 - 2024 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@channyl252]

Excellent book! I just finished it yesterday and plan to reread it with my highlighter! So many great points and aha moments! Thank you!!!!!

[@susanbauer-sq5kg]

Yes. I have your book. Wish I had it 40 years ago. Thank you so much for giving us a voice.

[@stephanieaggazzotti3323]

This made me understand why I have gone through all those things you described. Wow! Thank you!!❤

[@Foxy_ladyYTSL]

Often the scapegoat is also pushed out for the financial gain of another sibling.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, that can happen - and deserves its own video (I'll get to it down the road).

[@nathanielerskine1875]

So it seems. That'd be a great video. I'm new here.

[@mercedesvallar3384]

This is me. I was the one pushed out

[@luluadapa5222]

Joint Power of Attorney is already in place, thankfully. I allowed it to happen when the malignant parent passed away. It won't happen when the covert parent passes. I've got my eyes wide open now!! Be strong, the manipulative sibling doesn't care about you!! Great video, very informative 💜🙏

[@7lilly5]

My Wife and I call my only sibling (a 45 year man boy who still lives in my old childhood bedroom, and has weekly date nights with our mother (psycho, anyone? BLECH!!) The Ghoul. When relatives I was actually close to began to pass, he and my mother missed their opportunity to be professional hustlers. They'd literally find opportunities to CLEAR OUT ANYTHING THEY WANTED. Mom never realized clearing out m stuff once a year and letting my brother keep what he wanted created in me someone who hold no real value in things. But knowing my grandparents specifically wanted my Wife and I to get their home, and knowing I was not someone anyone in the family ever looked out for, my money hungry mother, her worthless siblings, and my worthless brother and 1st cousins made bank.

[@AMO683]

All of us scapegoats need to get together and be each other's chosen families!🤗

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

And/or a blow-out retreat/party at some resort...

[@Enemymind1973]

Oh how I would love that!

[@mercedesvallar3384]

❤

[@cindy7733]

YES! Please!

[@blueberry3168]

Me too 🫶🏼😍🥰

[@mm669]

The day I graduated from a very prestigious college (that I put myself through) with a double major in engineering and history, my family chose that day to throw a big party. My mom decided to give my cousin's high school girlfriend a baby shower. He accidentally got her pregnant. The whole family was invited and it was catered (a big deal). The woman was going to be pregnant for nine months but my mom purposely chose that day. When I went to my graduation by myself, I was told I was selfish and making a big deal out of nothing. Now I realize this was just another in a long list of BIZARRE family scapegoating experiences!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

MM, as one who had a similar experience (three times, no less), I'd like to add this to my Bizarre Realities list. Can I use yours here as an example? If not, I have plenty of my own grad stories to choose from...(!)

[@janegreen5301]

MM I understand BIZARRE family scapegoating experiences. Your mother showed her true colors with that stunt. CONGRATS on your graduation with a double major!!

[@mm669]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Oh yes, feel free to add the example to your list. I'm glad to finally have a place to put the "experience".

[@zaylinstar8883]

Wowwwwwww that’s just sick. The jealousy is astronomical.. well if you didn’t get to have many ppl congratulate you, CONGRATULATIONS!!! That must’ve been even harder to achieve being so isolated and abused with negative self talk, you did THAT! I’m proud FOR you 💕

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Congratulations! I work at a top school and cannot imagine how someone would pay their way through such a school. The families that support the students I know basically make it their full time job to support their children and grandchildren and are highly involved. It seems impossible that any could have gotten thru that kind of environment without a team of support. I believe you! I'm not doubting you in the least :-) You must be exceptionally strong, focused, bright and talented (esp w a double major). All the more reason for them to feel threatened, sadly. How sad, they could have joined you and been introduced to new worlds.

[@BlueMosaic5]

I’m tired of being viewed as a terrible person and problem, when I help and show love much more than anyone else in my family of origin

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That's a sign of health - To be tired of being seen as the problem. And, being seen by family as 'the problem can indeed be a sign that you are in the 'family scapegoat' / 'identified patient' role.

[@foxiefair123]

I hear ya on that. It’s being done to me right now in my household. I already know this person is an abuser and an active alcoholic and very toxic. Yet when she tries to triangulate me it works! 🤷‍♀️I have no idea why it even hurts me because I know the source is one I should disregard. It makes no sense because I’m a sober alcoholic of 9 years and I have no business being friends with this person and I can’t handle the chaos, drama, and mood swings.

[@joannabrites9857]

None of my family members gave one shit that I just stopped talking to them. Like I never existed or don’t matter, I guess I never did. They only say it’s all about you. That’s how they shame me into silence, by saying it’s all about you that makes me selfish. They’d rather loose me then to find out how to fix the problem. This explains it all.

[@yoyoma17]

yeah, that sorta crushed me too when it happened, they didn't even care I had gone no contact, which I guess told me everything I had known my entire life. They are sick people.

[@louiseparham-l8k]

You are better off without them.

[@carolyngartner6865]

Another spot on video. 💖 It is so validating to read the comments from other scapegoats. At last we have found each other after years and decades of suffering in silence.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks, Carolyn - more Bizarre Experiences to come - It is simply endless...

[@Enemymind1973]

I loved your comment and need support so badly right now. I’ve just found this channel and I’m so pleased to FINALLY hear stories that are just like mine, as they are simply not out there as of yet. This unbelievable experience I’ve lived through is too much for others to want to hear about. I’m often told to stop telling my stories because they’re so shitty. Which, of course to me, is just furthering the scapegoating of the Amy person. Not to mention, it’s not about that person and how THEY feel about MY experience. If you’d like to be friends, I’d sure appreciate someone who must know the same things I know about living in this type of non reality, reality. Thank you

[@JaneMay2024]

Waking up to this family ostracism and abuse is just heartbreaking Especially when you truly believed for decades that your family actually loved, cared and wanted you When the scapegoating abuse is eventually recognised and pointed out.. Your family say you are mentally ill !

[@sharonjones7138]

My siblings don’t wanna know the truth about our mother and the damage caused by her. They’d rather remain in denial. BUT- I’m realizing that along with that, they want me to stay in my lane for them….the scapegoat lane. NOPE!!! Finding the authentic me and I’m beginning to soar.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Wonderful to hear!

[@Adele411]

Good for you! I think you will find that your experiences to date in that family dynamic have strengthened those wings of yours to be much more powerful than your siblings' wings!!

[@RebeccaOliver-ls9fp]

In 1998, I left my home state because I knew there was some force that was keeping me from being successful. Everyone told me that my problems would follow me (because most people are the source of their problems), but I just knew this was not true for me. During the time I was away from family, I obtained my doctorate, started a practice as well as several other businesses and was exceptionally successful at living life. I actualized several major life goals. I traveled the world and had many amazing experiences. I recently moved back to my home state near family and was shocked at the cult-like existence they all live worshipping my father. During the two years I lived near them, I was demeaned for qualities I don't have, actions I have never done and words I did not say. Nobody was interested in hearing about my accomplishments or amazing life experiences, instead, choosing to tell me how to drive in the rain and get the mail (really, this happened!) When that first Christmas after my return came, my nephew hosted "the family Christmas party." I was not invited, and nobody saw a problem with that. Instead, I was "allowed" to come over the next day and give the gifts I had bought for my nephew and his family while I received none. I saw the active campaign of character assasination that was being carried out by my father, my brother and my nephew. For example, I almost stopped seeing my dentist when I found out my father had spoken negatively about me to my favorite hygienist. At one point, my father even insulted me by stating that my doctorate was less of a degree than someone else's masters degree (and then he turned around and asked me for health advice). Thankfully, I had 20 years of life reflecting myself back to me and could now clearly see the alternate reality my family has created about me and themselves. As a result, I have chosen to move away, again, and have minimal contact. I have recently concluded that I only have relatives, not family, and that I will never see those people, again. It is sad but incredibly freeing. Any day of the week, I would rather be alone and myself unfettered than be with first order relatives and forced into the scapegoat role. For those of you on this journey, grieve the loss of the love and family you never had and then bust the move allows you to be your brilliant self.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Rebecca. Your experiences are textbook examples of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). The struggle is real...And so is the liberation of Self once one realizes, as I say in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) that this Gordian Knot cannot be untangled - only sliced through. Which you have clearly done.

[@jennifervierstraete7987]

Thank you so much for sharing your success story. I think I needed to hear this. It's good to know I'm not alone.

[@susanbauer-sq5kg]

This hit so many truths for me! I am an HSP and was bullied by my insensitive family relentlessly. The damage and suffering are beyond words. Not safe at home, not safe in the world. Going no contact gave me the space to heal and love the HSP, not be ashamed.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear, Susan. That feeling of not being safe is a definite feature of both FSA, complex trauma, and what I call 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST), which I will be speaking about in future videos and articles.

[@teresafraser3049]

I'm the youngest of 5 children which i totaly relate to being the scapegoat. It's been over a decade now that I walked away from the entire family along with the extended family and friends as well. I saved my life the moment I did and live a magical existence ever since.❤ Life is precious so please don't waste one more min with narcassistic abuse....instead....work on healing your wounded self 🙏 you'll be so grateful you did ❤

[@user-yi1zz5kw2i]

It's so hard I had to cry out to Jesus/holy spirit of the pain of losing your parents who never existed and simply wanted to destroy you. But he never leaves you he never does and I just can't help but be joyful and basically 😢

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@user-yi1zz5kw2i "I am become a stranger unto my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children." Psalm 69:8

[@happycamper3561]

My narc mother pulled me back in again against my better judgement. We had a mother/daughter getaway planned. I walked her dogs for her yesterday and last night she asked me where I walked them. She flipped out because she said I walked them in a grassy area where there might have been ticks, and that if she got a tick bite she could die. Now I’m the bad guy because I didn’t take proper precautions by walking near grass and thereby putting her life at risk. I left here house and later on at 11:30 pm she emailed me the cancellation of our hotel confirmation so I guess we’re not going now. What a piece of freaking work.

[@christinalw19]

Sorry for you. Hope you learned this time. 😘🙏🏼🤍

[@yourpetyourway]

I owned a dog walking company for 16 years and it sounds like your unappreciative mom should walk her own dog from now on. If I were you I'd start walking her neighbour's dog. That'll shut her up.

[@2kme199]

Typical. Their behaviors are so predictable. No matter what, you are always wrong for ----( fill in the blank for their delusional made up issue).

[@annahale1187]

When I was 14, my mother let me spend the night with a friend who lived next door. When my stepfather arrived home from work unexpectedly that night, he became enraged that my mother let me spend the night with a friend. He the bombarded himself in the house with my 4 stepsiblings (who were all very little) and threatened everyone with a shotgun. My mother escaped the house and called police. The swat team came and finally the situation ended without anyone being injured. My mother refused to press charges and the police left (this was in the 1970s). I ended up in a verbal altercation outside with my stepfather. He then put my stepbrother in the car and left, peeling out and driving recklessly. My mother turned to me and said, "If anything happens to your stepbrother, it's YOUR fault!" I will never forget that.

[@danip6648]

my older sister was the scapegoat in the family and she left the family eventually. Later in time I realized they had replaced her position with me. It was so strange one day my brother started accusing me of something my sister had done and I clearly had not when it struck me that they needed me in that family role. Another thing that struck me was remembering how my mother treated her two sons as golden and her two daughters as unloveable somehow. My mother passed away and my brothers just treat their sisters like garbage very naturally. I also walked away from them. Enough! It is really awful and I just cannot understand how warped everyone's thinking and behaviors seem to be so perfectly programmed by my parents and their severly dysfunctional ways. There is nothing to do because they are steeped in the dysfunction and it is impossible to be heard. Sad, really sad.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is a hornet's nest; particularly if a family is both traumatized / dysfunctional and narcissistic. Add in alcoholic / addict family system and you have what I call "The Triple Whammy".

[@buchrisss]

I’m going through this now as an adult… my sister left the family several years ago & I’ve replaced her as that role. I never realized we had a “scapegoat” dysfunction until I started receiving terrible gaslighting behavior… I started to believe I was a bad problematic & troubled person bc you trust what your family/ppl who are meant to have your best interest at heart say about you. Another sister started drama & arguments all of the time at family gatherings & I’d always end up to blame! Even when I wasn’t physically present or involved at all. It’s paralyzing I felt like I couldn’t speak or be my true self all of a sudden. Stopped defending myself bc that only made it worse. Ugh…. I left the family for god months ago. I feel sorry for whoever takes my place 🤦🏼‍♀️ thanks for sharing, I feel less alone lol

[@raven4090]

As a kid, I identified with the little boy that observed that the emperor had no clothes on. I even used to tell my friends I felt like I was like him.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That story also stuck with me. I just replied to a subscriber here whose handle is 'the emperor is naked'!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I was the scapegoat in the family I grew up in and now with my children who have been influenced by family members. They all think something is wrong with me because I don't think like all of them. I have never liked rude put-downs and denigrating actions that are for the purpose of discouraging others from things that are not sins but just different ideas than the rest of them. They never compliment me on anything. They boast and brag about themselves non-stop and I respond with compliments but am either mocked or ignored without encouragement. I came to learn not to tell them anything and this was also taken as wrong of me to be "secretive." I gave up and realized they hated me and will never change. They wanted me to share so they could dismiss me. LOL, If I do not share they have not in road to dismissing me.

[@pavla2055]

I had decided by my early twenties I was no longer willing to engage with the lying , manipulation , triangulation , insults , name calling etc etc and that I would change the things I could and let the rest fall where they may by going no contact . Knowing these people are unwilling and probably incapable of changing or improving their behaviour made the decision easier for me . We have to save ourselves - no one else is going to do it .

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed, as Carl Jung said: There is only one person on this earth that we can save, and it is OURSELVES. (Rough quote, but close enough).

[@cindy7733]

What also adds salt to the wound is trying to confide in friends who happen to know your family. The family has done SUCH a great job in acting like the perfect, kind-hearted, loving, and cool family to the outside world that your words are not fully believed by your friends. And once again, you feel invalidated even by your closest friends or relatives. It is deeply painful and very lonely.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is, indeed. In fact, I think this would make for a good video topic. I'm adding it to my list, thank you!

[@martiwalsh2069]

"Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't do that...they love you."

[@cindy7733]

Exactly!!!!!! I confided in one of my older cousins who's so incredibly compassionate. She ended up talking to my mother, the cause of so much of my trauma, behind my back out of concern for me. My mother played her cards right telling her that she was so worried about me and "oh thank you for telling me" but she never changed. I felt so betrayed by my cousin and defeated. Can't trust anyone who knows the narc. It's very isolating. @@martiwalsh2069

[@user-iu1cc1yc5n]

@@cindy7733 I'm sorry you've had to endure these things. I understand those feelings and I truly believe we are not alone maybe for the first time. Ironically I think I have not been this* alone in a long time. ✌️❤️

[@ladyluck5248]

I just pray that since I’m the scapegoat and have left that one of my narc fathers flying monkies : one of my brothers , Takes my place and finds out what this feels like. I’m the big troublemaker too. They can say anything they want to me but as soon as I stick up for myself I am the toxic person. Ya right. It’s called a double standard. These people are tortuous evil evil abusers.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Double Binds, as well.

[@teresadvorak6145]

I agree 1000% ❤

[@laurajane4806]

It would be an embarrassment to the family to admit to anyone outside of the family how insane the narc siblings are. For that reason alone, they are kept a protected secret and everyone pretends they are good people. However, they all live in fear that the scapegoat may slip out one of the plethora of secrets and must be discredited before they can expose the cult and their false image presented.

[@1suitcasesal]

I basically divorced my parents for 10 years. Those were the best years of my life. Later I made the bad decision to let them back into my life. I hated myself for years for doing that.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Its very understandable why you might think you could successfully reengage. Glad you're here. Here's a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@monelizaCLEGG]

I am the family scapegoat. Like a lamb to the slaughter . Parents now dead and thinking that I am now free. Wrong. I only realise my two older brothers had been part of it when I met with them recently and they attacked my about my views about a political issue both behaved in sync huffing and my response invalidating me.. It all came flooding back and I was left with the reality of what had been happening all along.they were part of the backstabbing and maligning but I didnt see the connection until then. The realisation had me in shock. We are all in our 60s.

[@monelizaCLEGG]

Great video

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It can be very shocking indeed - Often, the sibling scapegoating becomes obvious for the first time after a parent's death, which I discuss in more detail in this video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/opnFZoqairtlp5I

[@JodyFidelis]

Sounds just like me! I’m 68 daughter between 2 brothers. I just realized how I’ve been treated by family and learned about scapegoating ! The backstabbing betrayal has devastated me and the entire family. As we Boomers age, many of our parents are still living due to medical advances. The care and criticism all fell to me for mom. I can’t take the hate and criticism any longer. The women typically have to care for elderly while males get to be off with their families. I’m 20 years into this dysfunction.

[@louiseparham-l8k]

I can relate to this. Both parents and one brother dead. My surviving brother behaves abominably towards me. Every time I have an opinion especially political he shames me in front of everyone it is what the family have done to me all my life. My brothers learnt this from my malignant narcissistic father that I am stupid and don't know what I am talking about. When I try to stick up for myself I am shouted down and have more insults and abuse hurled at me like "you f@#&ing B****.

[@louiseparham-l8k]

I broke contact with my brother. He said horrible things about my husband to hurt me.

[@sarahw7616]

My family actively tried sabotaging my legal education. If I'm being honest, it worked. BUT, I now trust my gut feeling which says, disappear. So, since my gut feeling in the past was correct, I'm in the process of changing my legal name, phone number, moving ,ect. I won't let them destroy my career as an attorney. I'm done. It's very sad to know your own family sought to mentally, physically and emotionally destroy the kindest and youngest member. A sacrifice for their own sick stability. But, when you go NC, things tend to fall apart for them and you get healthy and happy. It takes time to heal but it's comparable to smiling for the first time in your life or feeling real unconditional love. If you're new to NC and people judge, tell them the truth minus details. "My bio family are mentally ill and abused me my entire life." You can't fix sick people. But they can make you sick...

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is indeed sometimes necessary, I've had clients go through this and they had proof they were in fact actively and deliberately sabotaged.

[@sandrachaloux]

I am a middle child and empath. I think the scapegoat is often the empath. Soul contract until the scapegoat gets healthy and realizes what has happened and decides no longer to play that role and steps away. I have forgiven all involved to free myself from that discordant energy that doesn’t belong to me. Spiritually speaking, many lightworkers agreed to this role in families prior to incarnation, for a period of time, prior to walking away and breaking the pattern. We leave to blaze a trail for others to follow if they choose and to get on with our soul mission. I appreciate you bringing this topic up to raise our awareness. However, we must move beyond victim to stand in our own power. This is the lesson we wanted to learn. I was reminded that I am here to serve God, not my family, and that really helped me heal. The most uncomfortable part about it now is that many people can’t understand not being involved with your family. It is a topic that I don’t bring up with others because I’m not looking for their opinion about it. I don’t expect them to understand if they haven’t experienced it. Some friendships don’t survive this but new ones are on the way. All is well. Practicing self love and acceptance. Experiencing more freedom than ever before. Everything happens for us. ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have a video here on being the family Empath and scapegoating, and a chapter dedicated to this topic in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. My original family systems research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) suggests that the Empath child is often scapegoated, for reasons that I cover in my videos and book. Thank you for your comment.

[@rominagiordano7131]

❤

[@rachelarmel7547]

Perfectly stated. I relate to everything you said so much. I too am an empath and middle child (of 2 sisters). I am in my 60s now with both parents deceased and sisters who live in other states and have never felt freer, happier or more complete. It took so long and involved so much work but so well worth it. Wishing you peace, joy and fulfillment going forward 🙏🤗

[@apoorva203]

Such a humane and beautiful way to look at this journey, Sandra❤.

[@ritahemmerly4224]

SSSOOO tired of hearing i am to sensitive!!! It is them that is NOT sensitive!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I don't blame you, Rita. "You're tooo (or soooo) sensitive" is a way of dismissing someone's valid observations, experiences, and feelings.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Your not too sensitive, they are dead inside.

[@joykraft1175]

It turns out, I rejected them. No one likes a bs detector. They love it when you fall all over yourself defending yourself against shyt they made up. They don't have anything better to do. That's pretty sad but it isn't your problem. Walk away quietly 👣🕊️✌️☮️ Save yourself 💝

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Reminds me of the old analogy on why to stay out of the mud altogether - It's called 'Three reasons not to wrestle with a pig in the mud' - 1) You get dirty 2) The pig likes it 3) You can't tell the difference between you and the pig.

[@cindy7733]

Oh absolutely! Family mobbing is real! And they start bullying you and the minute you defend yourself YOU are blamed. It's a way that they silence you! I no longer defend myself anymore around these people bc my words and feelings are never heard or validated. It's very isolating and defeating. You have NO chance of being treated like a human being in this environment.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sadly, this is often the case. The analogy "Casting pearls before swine" comes to mind...

[@sageandcandle]

This is me all over. I am finding ways to build a life alone.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Many go on to create a life filled with connection and love via their 'chosen' or 'found' family' which can include pets. May you find support and kindness going forward as you heal from FSA.

[@MoonfishSparkle]

Me too.

[@kellygarland1624]

Thankyou so much!!!Very painful lonely place to be in with no understanding or compassion. Everyone believes the narcissistic abuser

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sad, but true. Or, they pretend to believe, because it is more convenient for them (or less frightening - Who wants to face the narcissists venom and wrath?).

[@roseb3164]

Incredibly helpful, thank you for posting these videos! Please remind your viewers that the scapegoating can happen via any kind of communication--verbal, physical, neglect, even just ignoring the scapegoat's ideas and then claiming them as their own. Can't count the times I said something, got NO response--and less than a minute later, the golden person repeated it and was lauded. The methods the scapegoating family uses are infinite. Wishing all the best to you and your followers!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oh, that's a good 'bizarre reality' for me to do an entire video on. This used to happen to me at work when I was a VP and the only woman on the Executive team. Literally, would share an idea. Silence. Man says it. "Great idea!!!!" says everybody in the room. Except me.

[@MF-my3db]

This happened to me with my family all the time (past tense/I'm at last done) and, until you pointed it out, I hadn't thought of it as part of being scapegoated! I wonder what else I'm not seeing. On any occasion that I mentioned I had brought up an idea earlier, often ideas that are about helping someone or the entire family (recently reminding sisters of an idea I had in order to prove I do have people's best interest at heart after being accused of something I did not/would not do) I'd be lambsted for my insatiable ego (which no one else in the world has noted) and told, "We're not keeping score!" Then they'd switch back to keeping score when any of them made the tiniest of contributions - literally demand attention for the best cupcakes, claim triumph at being the favorite, any such altruistically minded pursuits. 🙄

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@MF-my3db That's a classic phenomenon with FSA, as you described here. I can't remember, did you already read my book? It will help to fill in any gaps in your understanding of FSA, if not.

[@MF-my3db]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, thank you, I did read it and will soon do a re-read since, although it's basically my life, it's a lot to take in. 😐

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@MF-my3db Yes, it is brief but people tell me it pack a powerful (and much-appreciated) "punch".

[@michiganmymichigan]

I felt they would all be relieved when I left. Their behavior showed me I was their biggest, maybe their only, problem. Then, healing and education showed me a more accurate image.

[@Adele411]

Thank you for your work. I'm the scalegoated half of identical twins while my sister was always the golden child. At our mother's funeral I was totally shunned which was a shock & very painful.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oh dear, I bet with that 'splitting' dynamic (twins, scapegoat child / golden child) an entire series of videos could b be done. I can only imagine how painful this must have been. I've discussed FSA and funeral dynamics in several of my videos, btw, including a recent one here: In my clinical opinion, shunning can be a covert, passive-aggressive form of systemic mobbing: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bJjFkJd6prx_n7M

[@Adele411]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, with these videos on the general topic I feel as if I was being followed through my life with notes being taken for the videos from it. Until I found these videos I felt our family was the only one so deranged. I'm sad to have so much company in such a circumstance but I'm strengthened by that company at the same time. It was not until I was in college in courses to become a social worker that the reason for our problem apparently became clear. My theory is it began because I was especially small with us being born premature. I was 5 weeks old before I was big enough to go home but my sister went home with our mother where they bonded & my late arrival into the home seems to have precluded bonding by my mother to me & it never ever occurred.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, my original FSA research did reveal these sorts of bonding interruptions can influence scapegoating dynamics. I'm one such case, btw, as I was considered terminally ill when born (long story). More resources are available on my website and in the menu at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.

[@oneofthepeople720]

When ever I tried to address conflict within the narc in-law system, of which I was the scapegoat, my sis in-law would walk around the room and whisper to the other family members “don’t let them make a big deal out of this.. this is not a big deal”. I witnessed it myself.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Ugh. Kudos to you for having the courage to at least try to address the elephant under the carpet.

[@kristine8338]

I know now why. As I said : I knew too much. 🎯and I became a threat to their social image.

[@ursulashah8024]

My experience of knowing of scapegoating is recent but has been going on for as long as I can remember. The trigger to me leaving the family was when I realised my parents had manipulated me into handing over all of my money to them for them to buy a house for my brother aka the golden child. Since leaving the family home I realised that it was the first time in my life that I felt what it was to feel comfortable being at home

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You certainly had some profound evidence of your 'role' in the family. Glad to hear you had the courage to claim your own personal ground.

[@catedi3679]

I never change my families perception of me , that even overflowed to cousin's. I left when I was 41. I thought i was a rotten daughter person .27 yrs of put downs.theyre self -righteous , correct, and justify. Even with years of therapy I stayed stuck & in the abuse. I wish I found these mental health podcast 40 years ago.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm glad you're here now. If you are wanting to know more about FSA dynamics, you might also read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@catedi3679]

Thank you No replying to me,

[@xenatron9056]

My narcissistic sisters told me that I had to arrange my Mothers funeral. They were all way better placed socially, financially to do it as I lived alone, interstate, and separated. I told them I was not able to do it, that I wouldn't be able to dignify Mum without their help. I would be happy to do what I Ould but could not take responsibility for it. They were so angry and said..."you were the closest, so you should do it". I begged them for Mum's sake not to make me do this, as I just couldn't... too painful, logistically difficult and no resources. I knew they were setting me up once again for a failure. It was so messed up. In the end, I did not participate in the arrangements, and they refused the little that I had to offer, and then 4 of the 8 children didn't show because they did not want to have to deal with 'me'. I was close to my mother, and I was told that 'I was the bane of my mother's life" and it broke my heart to know that they would desecrate Mum's memory with such toxic bitter hatred towards me. I went, but because of how they created such an ugly scenario, I was frozen like a block of ice. My brother even came up to me and said....."Oh, I am so glad you came, you are so brave'. WTF... it was my Mum's funeral. I hate them all so badly but I guess I just have to eat it up, swallow it and hope that it doesn't poison me to my own death. To talk about it is so shameful as the situation makes it look like I was some disgusting human, that somehow I have done something to deserve the treatment. Truth is I have not had relationship with them for more than 15 years, so I kind of think that I am not the one with the problem here, but instantly being reminded that "You think that you are so good. better than what I actually am. I think I am better than them' so I am not sure what I am supposed to do. They even sold my parents house and moved them into a nursing home and everyone knew except me. Imagine me driving for hours to visit my parents and arriving only to find that other people were living there!!!!!!!!!~

[@LisaValentine1]

Thank you for sharing this. So happy I have cut off my family before it got this bad, because this is definitely where I was headed with them. 😅

[@teresadvorak6145]

Sounds alote like my situation. I'm on your side ❤ we will heal & rise way over the top of these garbage cans !!!!!!!!

[@ros1520]

I am an empath and family Scapegoat from a Narcissistic dysfunctional family, my health has suffered greatly, I literally get sick when I have to stand up for myself as an adult. When I was a child I would speak up about injustice and be punished severely for it, yet still I could not shut up when I felt strongly about unfair, unjust treatment. Wish I could find a way to stand up for myself without getting sick ! Thank you so much for these valuable videos! I have subscribed and just bought your book.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome. I have a chapter in my book on FSA on the Empath (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and a video on FSA and the family Empath here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oGPPmZqJgs6Hh9k

[@ros1520]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much! I will definitely check them out, much appreciate your work -it really makes a difference to understand my childhood and the impact it has had on me as an adult. I used to be so hard on myself but this information helps me to be kinder to myself.I still seem to attract people high in narcissistic traits, but I am getting better at spotting the patterns of behaviour.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

"We go to what we know..." (Until we know better!)

[@tylerelizabethcrosby5241]

I am the eldest of four daughters and the scapegoat/ black sheep. This has been my role my entire life, and it wasn't until 2014 at the age of 29 that I finally moved away from my home town and my family system. I had finally realized that was my role in the family at that point and knew it would never change. My goal was to start my own life separate from them. Almost three years ago during the pandemic I attempted to reconnect with my family and surprisingly the dynamics with them were better than they had EVER been for those two years. Since June of 2022, their true feelings toward me came through again, and now I am 38 years old and being faced with going no contact with them again. My story is incredibly complex and convoluted as my family are masterminds at keeping up appearances and portraying things to be absolutely opposite of how they really are. So it's a battle I will never win with them. I just find it interesting that I am the eldest child, and you mentioned that historically the youngest child is usually the scapegoat in the narcissistic family system.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Tyler, thanks for sharing some of your story with us. When doing family therapy, we know we will get the 'scoop' often from the youngest child (not always, but often); however, the scapegoated child can be ANY age and often will be the family Empath, but again, not always. Also, scapegoating is driven by different forces depending on whether the family is narcissistic or dysfunctional (without narcissistic family dynamics). My focus is on the latter but as many people are subscribing who are from narcissistic families I will be incorporating this more into my work. I do have a book out (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and a blog on my website (www.scapegoatrecovery.com); you might also check out my other videos on my channel's home page. And hope you subscribe!

[@tylerelizabethcrosby5241]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much for your response. I'm rewatching your video now and heard correctly the second time that the youngest child will often times share the 'scoop' of the narcissistic family dysfunction with the therapist. I found your channel earlier today and was so thankful I found it. Your videos are so validating to me and many others who are, sadly, experiencing these types of unhealthy dynamics with their narcissistic families, etc. thank you again for sharing your expertise with all of us. God bless.

[@MF-my3db]

Hi Tyler, my family, also comprised of four daughters, are also masterminds at keeping appearances and portraying things as the opposite of how they really are. (I often think a big part of my being scapegoating was that I was yet another (3) female - there are only a few photos of me, no stories, it's like I didn't happen.) We were the "best" family, my mom the "best" mom - even a public speaker on family, a huge source of narcissistic supply for her. My mother loved when someone was emotionally down so she could help them, when they were up she was often jealous, especially if they had more of anything she wanted, but then, behind their back, she would often dis anyone she "helped." (As a child I'd tell her she couldn't help them if she didn't respect them.) She would be over the top complimentary to someone but then critical behind their back and require us to go along with the ruse. She happily stood between any relationship I might have had with my Dad - who she always compared just me to despite of course we all had things in common with him. (I had the role of standing up for her verbally and then when he became angry at me she toss me under the bus such that he'd be upset with me for challenging him and not her. My tears over this were outright ignored while the golden child's, the "sensitive one" was considered kind and loving for her cluelessness.) My Dad was so self-absorbed he never noticed any of this, my purpose was to marry a male pal for him, all of our needs were for my mom to pretend to attend to.) They would advertise they had the best marriage ever but even past age 80 my Mom would often become so angry at my Dad that she'd claim hate or threaten divorce. So, no doubt both of us could go on forever about this sort of thing. Often I find the hardest part was that only I could see these things they were kept so well hidden. I used to have horrific nightmares routinely that something catastrophic was happening and only I could see it.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@tylerelizabethcrosby5241 Thank you, glad you found my work on FSA. FSA can happen in BOTH dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems. All narcissistic family systems are dysfunctional, but not all dysfunctional families are narcissistic (although members may have heightened narcissistic traits). This Saturday I will release a video on Narcissistic Family Abuse and scapegoating. Hope you tune in.

[@naemasufi7588]

I was oldest too

[@cirella1064]

Is a scapegoat also the “truth teller”?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, very often, particularly Empath types. I discuss it at length in my video here on my channel on Scapegoating and being the family Empath. I also have a chapter about this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, you might want to check out. This dynamic was also supported by my original FSA research.

[@ricardavandegrootepoort4297]

Noboy believes me😢 13:43 in my family they deny what they do to me😮

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, denial is a key component of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Here's an FSA survivor resource list I put together in case you are wanting additional information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@taraarrington2285]

I'm pretty sure that someone in my family or someone close to my family put me on a terrorist watch list I am definitely the family scapegoat

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I've done this work long enough that I know anything is possible. Hopefully in your case it isn't so but if it is that you can find legal aid in your area to help you (in the U.S. the non-profit Legal Aid offers free services if one if financially challenged).

[@taraarrington2285]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I really hope so because I mind my own business and I might have some opinions about things that people don't like but that's nobody no reason to put somebody on a terrorist watch list 🤷

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@taraarrington2285 With some of these families, you just never know. I suggest to my clients they assume the best until and unless they have clear evidence that the worst is happening. Wouldn't it be nice if family members that scapegoat did the same for the FSA target?

[@taraarrington2285]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes.

[@karishort1891]

I am the 13th and youngest child in my family and I'm DEFINITELY the scapegoat... I've been no contact almost 8 years. I miss not having a family and it gets lonely at times but it is miserable 24/7 in the WRONG one! 😓 Ps Thank you for doing this for us 🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is my privilege.

[@dgvfsa66]

You can't miss what you never had. But you can create your own.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Try to be around friends & people who treat u well. These type of people can be our family ❤

[@flip1980ful]

Great program. My only regret is that I didn’t leave my family sooner. Because when I did, my parents began to recognize my boundaries- my sisters didn’t, won’t, but that’s okay, Im better off. When I left, it felt like a death that I mourned. It took a couple months but totally worth it!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you. There's a 'Bizarre Realities' Part One you can find on my playlist on my home channel as well that you might relate to.

[@lipstickprincess1]

It’s unfair to be chosen to be born into an evil toxic family. In my childhood I was called ugly, retarded, stupid, told that I was not wanted, beaten by my mother and when my dad came home, she’d tell my dad whatever it was that I “pissed her off” then I would get beaten again from my dad. I survived years of being lied to, rejected and abandoned. As a parent of two kids of my own, I made sure to protect my children and break the chain!!! My adult son’s do not have horror childhood stories to tell.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are breaking the cycle for your children. Scapegoating is a terrifically damaging and terrible form of familial abuse, which largely goes unrecognized, even today.

[@siuribus4795]

I have had the *exact* same parallel experience as your listener. The moment I stopped passively accepting the role as the designated family scapegoat (because I had finally started to see the reality of the toxic dynamic in which I had always been trapped) I was immediately villified as the abuser. In one way or another they have to attack me, they have to justify their illogical but deep-seated hatred of me in some warped way, like a collective voodoo doll, the absorber of the sins of others. Along with the emotional confusion, exhaustion and turmoil that these relationships generate, it is also a very depressing reality to have to come to terms with! Thankfully there are many resources available today to help those of us who have suffered scapegoat family abuse to be able to push back against it and move towards the light.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

"like a collective voodoo doll, the absorber of the sins of others." Fantastic analogy - thank you. Also, at times, absorbing the trauma of the entire family system, including intergenerational trauma (as described in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.)

[@Magicmeatbag]

It's crazy to think how structural these family systems can be. My family is currently no where near as bad to me as they once were but due to how instinctual their behavior to me has been and the fact they will almost never admit to the things that went on I will most likely go no contact over time.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

There can indeed be a point where the lack of acknowledgement and validation of painful events can lead to irrevocable fracturing.

[@lmlarkspur9879]

My sister told me she was "done with me" but still wanted to see and have a relationship with my 9 yo son. I told her that my son and I are a package deal and my family was not going to be split apart (and if I did not trust her due to family scapegoating, why would I trust her with my minor child?). I made it very clear, and in writing, that if she was "done" with me, then she was also done with my child, so advised her to consider her choice very carefully. Well, she turned it around and now the story she tells is that I was so cruel and wouldn't allow her to see her nephew. Yep, crazy & bizarre.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yep, that would fit right into my 'Bizarre Reality' series. And may I say, it sounds like you handled that difficult situation brilliantly, given it sounds like you were 'DARVO'(d): 'Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender' (J. Freyd).

[@laurajane4806]

My sister told me that the day I asked her about specific slandering episodes. 🙂

[@summerhill93]

That's one of the typical thing narcissists say ... they are "done with.." someone ... basically it seems to mean that you are a tool/toy to them and you are failing to deliver what they want from you, and most likely, they have new supply in the wings.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@summerhill93 Alternatively, one can be 'done' with being abused...

[@babiesandbuddies]

That's really sad 😢 I'd be extremely concerned allowing visitation between your 9 year old and her. She likely won't add any more value to his life than she does yours.

[@tarp11z]

If you're the oldest child from a first marriage, you are as likely to be the target for scapegoat as anyone. They are the guinea pig, the babysitter, servant, and problematic halfling child who has a different parent than the others. As such, it is difficult for me to imagine it being worse for the youngest child. In fact, I have known several oldest children who were scapegoated. Rarely have I seen it fall upon the youngest child. I'm sure it exists, but it seems less likely. Parents tend to mellow out more with each child... which further increases the likelihood for the oldest child be to be abandoned, because they simply know too much.

[@maryshankle2843]

I am the youngest of 6 and the scapegoat. The oldest sister is the golden child. I was an "accident" so there is a 6 yr age gap between my siblings closest in age to me. I was the only one left at home when everything blew up and my oldest sister got married and left home then my other sister moved out and 1 brother left for college one brother was kicked out and one brother was taken by the state. All in a matter of a couple years, leaving me there with parents who were angry and determined that I would never have a chance to get in trouble. It certainly wasn't a fun experience and I have suffered greatly over the yrs. I am 53 now. I don't know what being the oldest is like but my sister certainly did not have the same experience I did growing up. I think scapegoating is extremely difficult for any child to deal with no matter if they are the oldest, youngest or somewhere in between. I think the only thing I would point out about being the youngest and the scapegoat is that the siblings have more power to harm and emotionally abuse the younger child. Anybody who is/was being scapegoated is suffering emensely ❤

[@snowbear1877]

I am the youngest daughter and I am the scapegoat. My sister is older by 9 years and has always resented me and been very cunning and political in maintaining her position as the favourite. She has tried to turn friends, partners, my ex-husband and other family members against me. She had sex with my school friends. In my parents eyes she could do no wrong. All the family's resources (financial, emotional, time) went to her. Growing up she gave me hell.

[@l0ve127]

I’m the youngest and scapegoat. It happens but I hear your reasoning it makes perfect sense.

[@snowbear1877]

I hear what you are saying and I am sure your experience is true. I am the youngest daughter, my sister is nine years older and has resented me all my life. I think having been an only child for so long she resented the baby and even more so when I grew up. Yesterday here in Australia a 17 year old girl stabbed her 10 year old sister to death. I don't know if it was sibling rivalry or whatever. No doubt the reasons will come out eventually.

[@DosBear]

I don't believe age has anything to do with it. It's all about being the person that thinks for themselves and is not easily manipulated to go along with the main antagonist/s whom ever they may be. All these manipulations have taken place over decades so there is no easy way to identify the initial cause of it all. I believe if you really investigate you will find there is jealously and selfishness at the root of it all. It's kind of like picking at a scab and not allowing the injury to heal. Their method is not to treat the injury at all and pretend that it just never happened and that only leads to infection over the longterm. AKA: Resentment Acceptance is not a choice, it is a reality. Denial is a choice.

[@janethomas78]

After decades of abuse I would a psychiatrist that understands what happened to me. THIS IS ALL TRUE!! THNK YOU!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have had people tell me they gave their therapist or a psychiatrist my book, and it was very helpful. I also know that therapists and psychiatrists give their clients my book. That is also very helpful!

[@starlingswallow]

I believe that the root of my fear of failure and even more, my fear of success is rooted in being cast as the family looser. It's almost like the internal part of me that sees the unspoken role my family has cast me in, needs to uphold the role altogether by being someone who isn't successful! What the WHAT!' I'm breaking out of that by my own self love and self belief!

[@shimmime]

I relate to this totally. I remember one time when I was a child and we went to visit our cousins. My younger sister was hitting me repeatedly for a long time. Then I hit her back once and she started crying. My mother said, in front of everyone, that I shouldn't have hit her. She never disciplined my sister. My mother gave my sister so much power that this has now played out in adulthood.

[@erinl4111]

I'm realizing that I was probably excluded from a lot more family gatherings than I was aware of. Sometimes they would talk about what a wonderful time they had at whatever event they had, sometimes asking me why I wasn't there and they would pretend that they had invited me. I've heard all of those blamey comments from them. 10 years No Contact at this point and my life has been so much more peaceful, even given the fact that I've had a ton of trauma to process. At least I've been able to heal without my family messing with me.

[@iw9338]

I'm the 10th of 11 and I've been learning to stand up for myself. My phone hardly rings now. I'm very angry right now..... still learning 😢

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, it can get pretty quiet when you begin to stand up for yourself and have boundaries....I have an article and video on scapegoating injustice and righteous rage. Article is linked in the video description. Video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/o3zblp-HprCEhJY

[@Edelwiess1066]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you

[@andrearush6209]

This is exactly my story. I have a pit in my stomach thinking about how my sister has bent the ear of my father and stepmother with the lies. My father and I were measurably close for many years despite him being the origin of the family patterns. We had found a way to navigate in meaningful ways until several episodes where I attempted to communicate and refute the lies my sister was telling. Those actions were interpreted as aggressive and without provocation but in reality were me finally finding my voice and standing up to her abuse. It was liberating on some levels but I've since come to understand that conventional actions in dysfunction just don't equate to anything good. The level of dysfunction in our family system is stunning honestly and to see the webs of enmeshment reaching forward to the next generation just feels gross. My father and I have found more solid ground and I am learning to be shallow and disconnected with my step mom in order to navigate her quirks. She's a staunch supporter of my sister and the false narrative she's been able to leverage the last five years so I've just let the hope of any relationship with her go. I tried for years but she's good with just being in the shadows. It's all so damn sad. In some ways, it was easier to live in ignorance but there's way more peace in knowing the truth - I am not damaged or broken but the lens I've been looking through in trying to gain favor from people who have zero interest in who I am is futile. Laying it down and moving on has brought peace and healing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Those last two sentences are very powerful. Sounds like you at last moved into 'radical acceptance' of your FSA situation. Here's a survivor Resource list I put together in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

I’m sorry for what you go through and what you have gone through. For your sister, it’s about money. She wants the inheritance. She’s trashing you to your dad and your stepmother in order to get you ousted from the Will. She likely will be able to and has done so. Don’t be surprised when you are left nothing. Prepare yourself. It may not happen but usually it does when you see this sick sibling coming between you and your father there’s always a motive and it’s usually money.

[@infinitetrinity2436]

What if it's still happening to you even when you've left the family? Everywhere you go! I strongly Believe that we are all dealing with something more Spiritual, even Evil that people truly are willing and ready to admit to themselves and others!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I did a video early on addressing this from a psychoanalytical perspective ("Scapegoated wherever you go?") However, I plan to do another follow up video where I speak from a psycho-spiritual perspective. I do agree with you that in some cases, something else that is Spiritual in nature is going on. I have a theory about this (as well as personal experience). Hopefully you have subscribed so you won't miss it when I release it - tap the white notification bell and choose from the drop-down menu that you want to be notified of my new video releases.

[@sharonthompson672]

My theory is we're programmed/brainwashed to feel inferior, subpar, etc. and people pick up that self-defeating vibe/signal you're projecting outward. They pick up on it, it's like blood in the water to a shark.

[@fionagray4950]

Please look into spiritual warfare, generational curses/jezebel spirit (same as narcissistism). You are right. This is spiritual.

[@DHW256]

I recall that, as a child, every effort I made to ingratiate to or share with Mom was met with resistance and devaluing. It was unheard of to gain Mom's approval unless I was directly emulating her, especially as an artist, which ultimately became my primary career path. Yet, as I grew older and established myself -- capitalizing on the skills I developed emulating/trying to please her -- Mom became relentless in her criticisms and backbiting. Even when I promulgated public policy and industrial rules -- now indelible and positive in the developed world -- Mom reacted with, "Well did you make any money off of it?!" even though she already knew I had sworn off all possible political and/or financial gains for the general good. Believe it or not, I wasn't at the walking away point yet, which I finally did after the sentencing of Dad's killer. It all seems so absurd now. Why did I tolerate so much from her?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Often we are conditioned as children to tolerate just about anything in these dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family systems. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@sll110]

Yes, I am that litt child Since I was born...saw and spoke the emperor wearing Nothing😝😝😝😝😝😢😢😢😢😢😢

[@valerieklemasz3809]

This has resonated with my experience. So sad that people do this . Thank you please continue these informative sessions. ❤🎉❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I definitely will. Here's a list of resources I put together in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@gloryrosebud]

Thank you for this. The golden child sibling told me I was always mean to him. It was mind blowing. Going no contact was the best thing I did.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Glory. Glad you're here.

[@TWILLIE639]

My GC sibling told me I’ve “never done anything for him.” He doesn’t remember I used to change his diapers 😂.

[@2kme199]

Every single thing you spoke of in this video was as if you were describing my life and what I have experienced since childhood. I went no contact with most of my family about five years ago and the remaining members I said goodbye to very recently because no matter what I did or did not do, said or did not say, I was blamed, rejected, excluded, ridiculed, and routinely discarded and saw that this was never going to change. My children learned these behaviors from my ex husband and cannot see who I really am at all nor do they wish to. They even got to my youngest child who started manipulating and abusing me in the same fashion as my ex husband did after my ex manipulated the court to have full custody of him. I would rather be alone, which I am, than have any of my children in my life who treat me the way they learned to treat me from my ex husband and family of origin. The sad thing is not being alone, but the realization that I have been alone for years like a ghost in my own life who could not participate in life but could only watch from behind some invisible barrier and see and hear lies about myself knowing that even if they could hear me and the truth, nobody cared to know it.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is so very powerful - I am very struck by how you convey the position of the FSA target. Thank you for sharing with us here. This line, especially...Wow (and so many here will relate): "The sad thing is not being alone, but the realization that I have been alone for years like a ghost in my own life who could not participate in life but could only watch from behind some invisible barrier and see and hear lies about myself knowing that even if they could hear me and the truth, nobody cared to know it."

[@reesedaniel5835]

I know exactly how you feel 😓

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Beyond bizarre for sure.. The pain, negative impact and sense of complete and utter helplessness cannot be overestimated. My love, prayers and compassion go out to those who have endured unspeakable betrayal by their own family. 🙏💐🙏💐🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said, Kimberly. "...utter helplessness..." - But, hopefully, for those gaining understanding, they will feel helpless no more.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Amen 🙏✝️❤️ God bless you and your presence in our lives 😘❤️💋

[@singstreetcar5881]

They will never celebrate ur success

[@Edelwiess1066]

It's the most bizarre thing ever to have happen over and over and over...

[@jeynjohnston8085]

My narcissistic family system employed a multitude of flying monkeys. It also had a designated patsy, a very successful cousin, who completely immersed himself in the narcissists' claims that I was the problem. An off chance meeting with him became a breakthrough point, but up until then, he was detrimental to my attempts at finding a sound ground for my peace of mind.

[@TYGZus777]

My story is very similar to your listener's story. I first noticed her abusive behavior when I was about 4 years old. Her abusive/gaslighting was always enabled by both parents and older siblings. Mom and dad left their very nice home to her. She got everything they worked for in life. She had the will changed, so that if she dies before the rest of the siblings, the remaining estate will go to a couple of her acquaintances instead of us. We have always been there for her, yet this is how she treats us.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Spot-on example, sorry to hear it. Ugly business, indeed.

[@carissavonmayer2070]

We need this to validate our experience. Thank you! It happens in families,yet also in greater society.Hence the "Emperor's new clothes".This dynamic seems part of human nature????? Especially in our narcissistic world....

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, scapegoating has in all social systems, not just families. When it is unconscious, it is the group or collective projecting its shadow onto one specific member or group, respectively.

[@norxgirl1]

Well said!!! Scapegoats UNITE!!!!

[@Leaptab]

When my brother hit me, my mum said it couldn't be so bad or that hard. When my brother stabbed me at age 17, he was 20, my mother said i must have done something to provoke him. When my parents failed to defend ,e after having alerted them, defending myself from him was met with breaking it up only when he was losing the fight. The golden child can do no wrong as it is the perfect version of the narcissistic parent. The abuse comes from being conditioned to seeing how the paremt abuses the scapegoat and imprinting this learned behaviour as normal treatment. I would guess that scapegoats that were physically abused by the parents were almost always likely abused the sa,e way by the golden child, they deem it as ok behaviour as thats what the parent is doing, completely justified in their mind.

[@colleenpage1265]

Could you talk about the silent treatment as a way to ostracize the scapegoat even further? I am greatly enjoying your videos as they make the ' bizarre realities' more understandable❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Great idea - I have some good examples from past clients and also friends. I'll add it to my topics list.

[@user-iu1cc1yc5n]

I'm sorry to say I have been 1 of these ppl. I find out months or more later etc. They are the self proclaimed Boss of the fam.. I've heard every single one of these reasons I am the problem all of my life. 50+ yrs. My tolerance is gone at this point. No contact is the only choice. Now they stalk

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So sorry to hear it. Sometimes this is the only way when the power imbalances in a family are severe.

[@DosBear]

Yes, it's all very bizarrre. I just find myself wondering if these people will ever grow up which is a complete waste of time after 60 years of this insane behavior. In my family it is the baby of the family that is the golden child.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Based on my FSA research, my guess is “no.”

[@DosBear]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Based on my real life experience and the fact that he lived with my Mother well into his 30's there is no guessing about it. Although my other brother does run a close 2nd and the eldest is presently living with her due to circumstance. She seems pretty close to all 3 so it is perplexing why I seem to be the one that is scapegoated. Other than the fact that I was the only one that had anything to do with my Father.

[@therange4033]

I am an adult with 3 kids and my ex-husband Narc has made them all hate me.

[@dianadeluca8500]

Oh, l only can immagine the grief....🤦🤗🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️eventually they will turno to you when they will understand the trick.

[@therange4033]

Its awful. Especially that he had a ''Narc Collapse'' Oct 2021. I let my feelings be known after 20+ years divorced from him. He walked into a lorry after he was, after my testament found to be a Paedophile. What a bloody MESS he has caused.@@dianadeluca8500

[@arborwin]

I was the youngest scapegoat just like you said in the video. Thank you for the validation.

[@kathyselbrede]

THANK YOU for your work. I've been listening non-stop since last night. It's truly as if I've found water in an endless dry desert I've been trekking thru for years. Your kind and professional presentations are relieving the burden and giving me confidence. I'm truly thankful and can't wait to absorb all you present... It's like you offer full truth to replace confusion, rage, frustration, shame, self-blame, all the toxicity. It helps so much to get a fuller, deeper understanding of what's been going on all my life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

TJM: I love your handle - AND: You have made my day. Thank you for your heart-felt message. I'm glad you're here. Check out my two Affirmation videos as well - They are made to assist healing in a trauma-informed way. You would also benefit from reading my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - Links are in video descriptions and the About page hee.

[@kristenkunkel3745]

It’s not always the youngest when the youngest is the golden child and the middle child is the other parents golden child an the oldest is a truth teller

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I don't say it is always the youngest, if you listen to it again...

[@stephanienewhouse2056]

Exactly my scenario. My enabler father just died. I really do NOT want to go to the memorial next month. I have already received multiple AWFUL texts from the Golden 2. But my 21 year old really wants me to go with her. As absent a father he was to me, he was good to my daughter. Narc mom circled back for a Hoover.

[@JenniferSillanpaa]

Thank you for your comprehensive answer. It indeed is difficult to accept things as they are, but when I'm not with my family I'm treated very differently than when I'm with them. Others treat me with courtesy, respect, and even admiration sometimes. Why would I want to go to a place where I'm shunned, mocked and ridiculed? You are doing a wonderful thing in shedding light on this topic. Nobody understands unless they've experienced it. Clearly, you have.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

As I have said to others here, the adage "write about what you know" is very true in my case (!)

[@keegsmum]

This is a really useful discussion and it accurately portrays my own experience of being excluded and talked about in negative ways by my family behind my back. I am the family empath, viewed by them as a weakness. To their dismay, I have had a successful life - not easy, but I have work doggedly and hard and I am satisfied with my life. This really seems to especially burn my mother who clearly, expected- if not hoped- to see me fail. Of course, things only got worse, when I called out the family dysfunction. I now know that "ripping the bandaid off" was probably not the best course of action- simply disconnecting and leaving would have been better. At least I am free from all the crazymaking!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I talk about this in my most recent video on toxic shame and scapegoating. Confronting the abuse - and becoming a healthy, assertive person with boundaries - typically only amps up the scapegoating, leaving the FSA target in a classic 'double bind'. In my video from 5/6, I discuss how to (re)solve this type of family system double bind.

[@keegsmum]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks- I will check it out.

[@elainesmith5313]

I had a younger sister who was a narcissist. Her really bad behavior started around puberity. And now looking back at my youngest son the same behavior showed up. Is adolosence where this behavior starts???????? Seems to be a consolation here???

[@janroberts1384]

i still can't explain in a way what it's like to be a scapegoat. i love the way you explain the abuse and seeing it from the eyes of the abused.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Easy for me to do - given I lived it (and also lived to tell the tale...)

[@pattitorres4343]

Is there a camera on me? Geezus you couldnt be more spot on

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

😆🤫

[@janegreen5301]

Lol

[@Karen-uw3de]

Hi Rebecca! Just found you tonite. Your telling my story. Good timing. Wish I have known about this decades ago. I have been learning so much about narcassistic toxic families. Getting clarity and radical acceptance to free myself which I am in the process of doing right now. Long over due. Wasted years not seeing the real truth. Thank you so much for doing this work.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Karen, glad you found my new channel. You might check out my book as well if scapegoating is a core issue for you (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). Glad you are on your way!

[@superpoodlehead]

I have the same exact experience. I’m not included in anything and later hear about family gatherings and other significant happenings (such as my elderly mother’s health snd well being). Then told it’s not true. Gaslighting. I get the too sensitive, too dramatic, too angry, snd there’s nothing going on. It’s obvious they exclude me. I’m done.

[@sunshinerain5676]

Thank you for underscoring the need for Radical Acceptance -- to help find some peace of mind.

[@michellemclane3575]

Thank you again for another great video that really hits the nail on the head. In my experience, very few people who haven't lived this understand this, like you said. I was very fortunate to find some very good therapists to help me. I found this difficult however, since so many therapists just don't "get it". Very happy to hear that you're teaching other future counselors about this topic. Thank you for that too.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Michelle, thank you for being here.

[@rcristy]

You've made sense of things I could never make sense of. Incredible. I feel like you nail every childhood feeling i ever had. 🙏☮️💕

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You may want to read my book if you are relating this strongly. It is listed on this resource page I put together for FSA survivors. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@rcristy]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much, I was thinking I should get your book while I was bingeing all your episodes yesterday ☺️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have three different playlists on the homepage of my channel to make binging even easier (!)

[@louiseparham-l8k]

Rebecca it is interesting that mentioned that it tends to be the youngest chid that becomes the scapegoat. I was the youngest of three. I never liked being the youngest. I was heavily patronised, not taken seriously as well as being the problem. I was also the only girl and my father was a misogynist as well as a malignant narcissist. I was made to feel very inferior. He also labelled me as a tyrant and a nasty piece of work which more closely resembled him. He would beat up my mother. My brothers would beat me up. Yet I was labelled these things. I suppose it is easiest to pick on the youngest. For as long as i can remember I was treated as the problem and "deserved all I got".

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Louise, Thank you for reaching out. I think in this video what I actually said (I could be wrong, it's been so long since I made it) is that in the field of Family Systems we know that we are most likely to hear the truth of what is going on in the family (when doing family therapy) from the youngest family member, and there are reasons for this. Anyone in the family can end up in the 'scapegoat' role, and roles can shift and be 'passed around' as well. With that said, I also was the youngest and boy, do I relate to your comment! Glad you're here.

[@Myob08]

I think so too. Younger child

[@kristieheineman3351]

Oh ya, this is happening to me right now. It's a crazy maker and showed me how truly nuts they, both my older sisters, are. They've gone completely mental... I'm just so glad I get it now because they do try to convince you it's you, but it isn't. It's them all day every day! 😝

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed, it is like one has passed through the Looking Glass and all is the opposite of what it actually is. Mind-bending.

[@ItsMeMatt1986]

Wow!! My life!!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Join the party!

[@ToxicFreeTV]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes me too

[@brittanycamille6460]

It’s been a couple years since I went no contact. I have been doing a lot of therapy and healing but I still get frustrated by my memories. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time and advocated for myself but I was conditioned not to. So I have to forgive myself & also I have learned to forgive them, even though I don’t accept what was done to me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I wonder if you distinguish between 'memories' and 'rumination'? Rumination was something I inquired about in my latest research survey, and I share findings about this (briefly) in the short video I am releasing tomorrow. Forgiveness is a choice and for many has religious or spiritual implications; with that said, there are adult survivors of abuse suffering from life-long trauma who prefer the term/concept 'radical acceptance' versus forgiveness for reasons I'll discuss in a later video.

[@olentangyriver1191]

Thank you for validation of everything I went through,i never thought anyone would believe me about being ganged up on by the family, i always got the blame for everything because the family gamged up on me. Its so freeing..

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You'll want to watch my video here on family mobbing, based on your comment: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bJjFkJd6prx_n7M

[@jessicaardoin5462]

Not Always. It's Not Always The Youngest Who's The Scapegoat. Also, The More Dysfunctional The Family, The More Likely There'll Be 2 Scapegoats. I'm The Oldest, & Only Girl, & I Was The Scapegoat/Invisible Child/ Parentified Child. These Were My Roles. My 1st Youngest Brother Shared The Scapegoat Role. The 2 Youngest Were Golden Children. The Youngest Was Also Abusive. Now That They're Adults They're All Gilden Children. I Rarely Have Contact With Them Now. All Of Them Scapegoated Me. One Of Them Also Did A Rage Attack(Misplaced). Another Did Other Abuses. Point Being It's Not Always The Youngest Who's The Scapegoat.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I agree. You might watch that part again to hear what I actually said - a few people misheard it, which is understandable, as they are not familiar with Family Systems therapy. In this video, my point was as a family therapist the youngest family member is often who we will be able to learn much truth from about the current family systems dynamics. There are no 'always' or 'nevers' when it comes to family roles and scapegoating, and I do emphasize this in my discussions about FSA. Anyone who says there is has likely not actually worked as a Family Systems therapist treating dysfunctional families. The scapegoat can be any sibling; it also can change to different siblings, like musical chairs. However, an eldest sibling will often be empowered as a 'co-parent' by the parental dyad when young; my research on FSA suggests that an elder sibling may be scapegoated by younger siblings when they become adults. Scapegoating can also happen in ANY type of dysfunctional family - not just a narcissistic one. More videos to come. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your experiences.

[@Clare-tea]

Even though I was not even 2 years older than my next sister, the expectations of me seemed to be of someone 10 years older. I'm the oldest.

[@jessicaardoin5462]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse The Scapegoating Starts Young & Gets Far Worse In Adulthood. I've Had 2 Smear Campaigns Run On Me. I Didn't Discover Them Till Adulthood But They'd Been Started When I Was Still A Kid. One By My Female Donor & One By My Male Donors' Family. Scapegoating Can Be A Family Affair.

[@jessicaardoin5462]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Also: You're Welcome.

[@jessicaardoin5462]

@@Clare-tea My Childhood, For All Intents & Purposes, Ended When I Was 6. I Had To Take A More Adult Role; When I Was 13 Full Adulthood Was Put On My Shoulders. The Lives & Safety Of My Brothers Was Put Into My Hands. It Took A Great, & Devastating, Toll On Me That I'm Still Feeling The Ripple Effects To This Day.

[@jenniferboyd6556]

You have described my family perfectly! So glad I found your channel.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm always sorry to hear this, of course, but I am very glad you are finding my content on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) helpful!

[@33c650]

So glad I found this channel 🥰🥰

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Likewise!!

[@joendyanabanginixon]

Wonder if i can get a session one day for 2 hours...it will be a cerebration for me..after 40 yrs in the dark...

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@joendyanabanginixon I have been thinking of starting to offer 2 hour one-time sessions as my waiting list is so long. Like a long consultation. What do you think? My email address is in the About section, btw.

[@janegreen5301]

Rebecca I think the 2 hour one time session sounds like a life-line. Like getting rescued off the TITANIC

[@33c650]

@@joendyanabanginixon me too 🙈🙈

[@cbrashsorensen]

Thank you for the positive outlook of just "drifting away" from a dysfunctional family as well as embracing the realities of people who just do not have the emotional strength to examine themselves--perhaps multiple people in the family. But "emotional abuse" may mean pretty much moving away from family. If your attitude is positive accept the grief this may cause and learn from that sorrow. When my Mother died (my emotional abuser), I chose not to attend her funeral and the pressure from siblings and family was intense. I accepted their MIS-understanding of me and have been drifting away from that moment to this one.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Charlene, there comes a point where our own well-being, including our mental and emotional health and the health of our nervous system - must take precedence. In drifting away, we may eventually find a healthier place to drop anchor!

[@lesliemontagne6797]

I thought I might have been the only one here who experienced issues with attending my parent’s funeral. I did go but did not go up to the podium to speak about her as did my three sibs. They urged me to come be with them but I stood firm. At least I obeyed one of my parent’s maxims: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Worked for me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I always support my clients in whatever decision they choose to make around attending or not attending funerals (and other family events) by inviting them to do what serves themselves and their recovery (and their nervous system) at the HIGHEST level. Glad to hear you listened to yourself (and possibly some traumatized or exiled parts) and honored your deepest needs around this.

[@efish8147]

My Mom has been married 6 times to 5 narcs, I've played different roles in each marriage, usually the GC. This is until I got married and my Narc Mom set her sights on my children. The second my daughter turned 18, I was discarded from the GC role, I was smeared and gaslit, and I am now the scapegoat. I feel so dead inside, the betrayal trauma is so intense. This has opened my eyes to toxic family systems, beware of the narc grand parent !!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'll be doing a video on grandparents that scapegoat; also, grandparents the deliberately turn their grandchild against the scapegoated adult child. I see this far too often in my practice and FSA research.

[@kristinhutson8359]

My mother said I almost killed her, she wanted to kill herself after I brought up my feelings. My therapist said did you hold a gun to her? Strangle her? No I didn’t! This has caused me such a whirlwind. Has completely changed my mindset towards my mother, I love her yer I’m pretty sure I have to love her from a distance. The man she married after leaving my father doesn’t want me near her. I am so dang tired of this cycle of toxic shame 😢

[@krisluvsutube2684]

Yes they have kids then blame us for ruining their lives. A real mature mindset eh?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sadly, I see this dynamic often (parent being unable to tolerate their child's honest feelings, leading to fake 'strokes', fake heart attacks, etc), particularly with a personality disordered parent - HPD, BPD and (covert) NPD, specifically. The old comedy series 'Sanford and Son' had a father like that.

[@TheSailukka]

My mom always threatens with heart attack/death and it's pretty hard when she actually has heart issues. She is the most lovely/empathetic person when listening to even strangers issues but as her daughter if I report anything challenging in the family... No-no.! What about kids hearts? No matter what age..aren't parents supposed to protect? My brothers have learned this pattern too and now there is a whole mob resisting and covering up if one tries to be open/connect. Sometimes I wonder if I was dropped to a wrong family by accident 😯😵 Even though a xtian should not, hard to see a purpose in such injustice - that one cannot change?

[@krausekarl3964]

Your comments and analysis are smart and hit the nail on the head, Rebecca. I come from a strictly religious narcissistic family. My big brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Unfortunately, I made the decision to leave the family and break off contact very late. But still better than never. I have suffered from chronic back pain all my life and have had to undergo multiple surgeries. Since I broke contact, the pain has gone. It is like a miracle. Thank you for your great educational work. And best greetings from Germany.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Krause. Sounds like that was the right and best decision for you. Each family and situation is unique, as is each person. Did you happen to leave a review on my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, over 2 years ago? I seem to remember a Krause reviewing my book in German; my friend in Germany translated it for me, it was a very nice review.

[@d.h.fremont3027]

When the matriarch says, "it's all in my head," a crack is created in my protective wall. When the pain is so intense and is pouring out, the family members will quietly say, you're too sensitive. After an episode like that, another version of one's self is created. One that has no feelings and doesn't care anymore.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I understand this well. And then, (if I may add), the matriarch says, "You're so cold. You are unable to love. Your hug was a fake hug." And so it goes...

[@d.h.fremont3027]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes. The abuse is systematic. It's all about their suffering. So everyone has to be converted. Hug? What hug? We never hugged.

[@sll110]

This happened to me everyday for whole life...

[@jennifervierstraete7987]

So good. I appreciate so much what you are doing. Thank you for all you do to speak out for those of us who truly couldnt for ourselves for so long.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

My pleasure. It is my life's work. I feel privileged to be able to share it here within this community.

[@sheldonlarin]

Cognitive dissonance ( my def “ being of two minds” at the same f….en time . In a constant state of fear & conflict 🥲of any decision or action :) that has to be made …I don’t give my empathy to Evil 👿 I take my power back ..,. Or cut the power cord going to them. That routine I’ve done a-few times … then take my inner- child to A&W and call it a day … ❤⛄️. . Radical acceptance 🌟🥳 I have an awareness when I’m thinking in two minds - thinking they can be so nice sometimes …. and I will try harder The reality is these people will lead you off a cliff and laugh how stupid you are …. Based in denial I followed these friends 🥲. As soon as I went non- contact my self esteem went up 10 percent per day Be safe ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'll be addressing no contact a bit in the new video I'm releasing later this morning - Using my now-deceased gallbladder as an analogy.

[@Razzistar87]

Your videos bring me a lot of peace.