Why I don’t want LGBT “Allies” anymore!

This video talks about the reality that many queer people experience in 2023. There are many in our society who call themselves “allies” but life remains immensely challenging for many of us.
Performative allyship or well meaning allyship can feel good in a moment, but it can actually leave us feeling more isolated because everyone around us thinks things are fine.
This video is a bit bold, but that’s what @notdefining is all about. I say the things that maybe don’t get said so often.
Disclaimer - I love my allies and I still use the word ally for many beloved supporters of our community. As I say in the video, the real allies will understand what I’m talking about.
@notdefining is a support network for anyone who has ever struggled with their orientation, identity, self confidence or gender.
We create content and mentor to help you find a place where you feel confident and fulfilled, whatever your background or identity.
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[@notdefining]

To support my work and connect with me, click the JOIN button or become a member at patreon.com/notdefining. For 1:1 self confidence coaching book a session at www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. I would love to get to know you more...

[@maryromanek6683]

Thank you so much for increasing the volume of your voice - I don't even need ear buds anymore, yay! I love your videos! 😁

[@notdefining]

OMG thanks so much I did it for you! I really appreciate the feedback because I hadn't realised. @@maryromanek6683

[@maryromanek6683]

@@notdefining Thank you! The more people that can hear your voice, the better! 🙂

[@shaughnessymcdermott]

That description you gave of an accomplice is actually a description of a good/ best friend. They're rare, especially when you get older whether if you're lgbtq or not.

[@chelseaday1599]

@notdefining Mark I totally get these comments and points. I have “ally’s” saying “we accept you but we don’t want to see it.” Like seriously. So I am not allowed to walk down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend or kiss her in public but then my “ally’s” expect me to be ok seeing straight couples do the very basic things I want to do!! That’s not inclusion that is not equality. Thank you for giving me a new idea….. no more ally’s but accomplices!!!

[@notdefining]

Yessss omg yes!

[@djgooselina9684]

As a somewhat privileged bi person: To me, being a true ally means being willing to educate those people who can't be bothered to google something - because if I don't, someone else with a perspective that potentially endangers vulnerable people will always be ready to step in. And because it isn't fair to ask those communities to do all of the heavy lifting.

[@xalvador1150]

Personally, I can't find myself, including myself, in a "community" because the way society in America is at least makes me feel like I'm forced to be a certain way and to be special. The reality for me is I just want to be left alone and treated the same as a Straight person.I don't want to be special. But I understand not everyone will have the same thoughts, and that's perfectly okay.

[@notdefining]

Totally get you. That's the dream really for many of us. Just for it not to be made a thing of. You deserve that my friend.

[@rodeanphilip7780]

I understand and feel the need to be left in peace. But I have learned that, whatever straight people claim to have going for themselves isn't so impressive that I want to be treated the way they expect to be treated. I don't accept their right to be treated the way they are at all. I don't accept anyone's right to claim all the rights in a society because they occur in larger numbers. I am not even sure they do occur in larger numbers. Nevertheless, I really do get your desire to not stand out due to what should be an understood right. And I agree. I say what I say because I am a cantankerous old grandmother, not because I disagree. Wishing you many blessings and much peace.

[@Mikelaxo]

All I want is for people to see me and treat me like they would any other person. Straight cis people don't need to go out of their way to make me feel supported

[@notdefining]

That’s what we all want isn’t it I think. I wish that for you always. You deserve it.

[@samuelgalea7679]

I kinda agree Do the work to actually just make sure I don’t feel intimidated when it comes to sexuality . But if you call yourself an ally but then reinforce “oh men will be men” when you feel like you’re in a dangerous situation then what’s the point

[@beckheorshepls5397]

Powerful words. You're speaking the truth. We all needed to hear this

[@DocTrower1980]

So what you're really saying is, "Don't expect us to be. LET us be."

[@deeznutz8320]

Let us be degenerates Go ahead with all the influx of third worlders you gonna get popped sooner or later

[@craigfrancisjohnson]

Love your perspective on this ❤

[@mrwilliamhope]

This makes so much sense to me...thank you!

[@jaysgone2020]

Human!!! We are all unique humans!!! Can't we all just be our unique humans selves together!!! ❤ learn each other!!! I have a child with Cerebral Palsy, I much prefer people to come hang out and talk rather than stare or stepnon egg shells around us. I've dealt with this for 21 years now. I try my best not to make it turn me too dark. I just say come hang out with me and be part of the family bam!!

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for relating on this. I appreciate it. It’s true right?

[@jaysgone2020]

@@notdefining Absolutely!

[@rodeanphilip7780]

Please don't lose faith, precious child. I know your experience is real, as it is for many of us, but we are not truly stuck in a world full of morons and narcissists. We are here - all of us. That's why the jackasses have become so loud. They flat can't hack a truthful world. But we are still here. Much love

[@10-OSwords]

I think there are people who are "allys" who believe in our rights as a group...but that necessarily defines us as a separate group-it's still othering. Whereas real friends say 'why should anyone have less rights than myself? We are all the same.'

[@AdrianBowgett]

I wish allies treat queer people all the same because some of them don't

[@notdefining]

True

[@deeznutz8320]

​@@notdefiningITS ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEEE

[@kaseyford1490]

In a way though, we kind of do need Allyship from the straights. Sure, my family accepts me as part of the queer community but whenever I bring up the subject or it comes up in conversation, they tend to argue against and/or dismiss me. I want them to support me without dismissal or arguments 😅 The only person I feel safe enough to talk to without judgement is my queer friend ❤ I believe Allyship would be the way to accepting us in the future. If everyone was an ally, there'd be no judgement 😅

[@manuelnicolassanchezpina-wh8su]

Fact first. There is to be careful with the such allies and autoproclaimed saviors.

[@Alex-jd2yx]

I understand all this but also inviting LGBT peoples by straights can be a bit overwhelming, for one example not all LGBT are perfect and can give them a bad experience by being rude and rulling the night like a queen or make implications like there better then everyone else I think and invitation can be abit overwhelming and awkward in some cases that this inviting may occur but I think it can come down to nerves sometimes, having some one with a completely different culture and not knowing what could come of it can be nerve racking, although the honor you may seek many may also try to take full advantage of to humiliate straights, the best straight companions at least will take a lot of time to build trust like any friends, not all LGBT are in control of them bad selves 🙄😄

[@carlorizzo827]

Uh hunh i identify. It ought not be license to be outrageous or tantrum. An oppressed soul spends years silenced, throttled. Then w/freedom boom a rebound to outrage

[@HIVegan_Tim]

you rock!! Happy to have found you through a community group meditation last week! :)

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

Yeah nobody wants to feel like an accessory, like a fetish, like a virtue points vending machine. Nobody wants to be told how much they are supported by people who hold them at arms length as an other or hold views that belittle their experience and identity (or worse). We also don’t know what people have hon through or are going through. This thing that makes people want to hate or fear you or think they should save you by expecting you to change yourself- but never really let you be who you are or even earn their acceptance by denying yourself sufficiently-it messed everyone up, even if you’re not queer.

[@Minttwo]

In my life allies don't matter. Much worse are the people part of lgbt+community that talk against others in their own comnynity! Like you would think that being a part of marginalized community would make you smart enough to don't marginalize others in the same community. But hell NO! I'm so done with basically everyone most days! 😢😓😑🤪🤜🤛 So much work still to be done 💪

[@davidadams2395]

I've seen the same attacks from within, as it were, and it is stupefying.

[@chelseaday1599]

@Minttwo I completely understand. I have friends within the community who still say to be bi people don’t exist, you are just in a phase. Like when did being bisexual become an issue within the community. The B isn’t silent. Why are we so quick to accept everyone else but they can’t accept Bisexual people. Double standards are everywhere.

[@rodeanphilip7780]

Agreed! I remember how shocked I was to find gay AA meetings in the town I used to live in were full of bigoted narcissists! Their "Club" was harder to get into than any straight one! That, by the way, is completely contrary to 12 Step tradition. I really have no use for hypocrites, straight or otherwise. Why isn't it obvious to people who have been abused that committing abuse on others is not a creative solution? I guess we need to get that coming out is not the same thing as being competent to run a successful society. But remember: some of us are. Those who ask the questions are.

[@jiliciar.1423]

It makes sense. 🤍

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for hearing me out 🙂🙏🏽

[@carlorizzo827]

Interesting!and alarming/perplexing As a talented generous coach, many would turn to you, more than any human can handle. Teachers can burn out. People are starved for understanding. Umm, sadly i am so far outa the box, not in a good way, none o the labels fit, even the "pride movement", or at least some of the participants i've met, found me too tooooo ..?.. to include me. There's a small number of therapists, friends, recovery-mates w/whom i could connect. If only they had found another word for it, but "Self Esteem Parade" doesn't roll off the tongue!

[@glennclark5784]

Hell yes!!!🥳

[@alexd6351]

Thanks!

[@notdefining]

Hey there Alex! Thank you so so much! I’m so touched to see your kind gesture of support. It really makes a huge difference and helps me to continue doing this work. I’m sending so much love and gratitude to you today. 🩷🩷🩷

[@nottt5203]

Hey, I'm a gay man I absolutely want NO accomplices, I don't want anyone in 'the trenches' with me because they found out about my sexuality, nor asking me about how I'm feeling about traumatic homophobic attacks (?? what), nor 'stepping in' for me when there is a 'homophobic' coworker (Its almost delusional to assume this is the best way to gain anyone's favor let alone someone who you think is homophobic. If I want that homophobic person in my network for my advantage that should be my decision not someone speaking for me on my behalf), nor someone asking me to be more gay at work like I'm being used for a minstrel show. this thing you're asking for is not a universal desire among gays, it's absolutely the worst thing a straight person could do to me in the civil context, and your advocacy for it comes at my expense. I want my sexuality to be my own private thing, I don't want it to add to anyone else's responsibilities, making me come at a higher social cost than a heterosexual counterpart.

[@dave7908]

Ignorant people remain ignorant if they dont wish learn and educate themselves

[@wareforcoin5780]

Yes! Accomplices! We need accomplices to further the gay agenda.

[@ninagreen8228]

with the way things going now days i wouldnt use the word agenda thats the right favorite word the lgtq agenda

[@manuelnicolassanchezpina-wh8su]

Everybody has agenda, including the religeous people like catholic church, evangelicals councils, the islamic people etc.

[@AndyT-np8mm]

But guys shouldn't wear nail varnish for aesthetic reasons. It just doesn't sit right.

[@ryn2844]

So in principle I agree, but also I think everything you call 'accomplice' should be called 'ally'. I disagree only on the specific terminology. I think people who call themselves allies while not actually being an ally to anyone in particular and not actually doing anything to help should really just stop claiming to be allies. They can't take that word. They're not helping anyone but their own egos. We should turn 'ally' into a verb rather than a noun. People don't get to proclaim themselves to *be* allies anymore. People can *do* allyship, and if a qu33r person you've personally helped calls you their ally, then you are an ally to that qu33r person, but if you don't have anyone in your life to be an ally to, or you haven't actually done anything to help them, then no you're not an ally. Allyship isn't a belief system. You're not an ally just because you believe qu33r people don't deserve to be murdered or whatever. That's called 'the bare minimum' and 'not actively hateful'. Congratulations on being a neutral bystander. Please don't go claim some sort of credit for being a neutral bystander. An accomplice, in my book, is someone who will go the extra mile within activism itself, including bending some of the rules, maybe protesting without a permit, lying to a cop about not having seen someone shoplift from walmart, warning squatters when the cops will show up, that level of stuff. An ally is a personal emotional help. An accomplice is for when you're attempting to achieve a political goal. On top of that, too many self proclaimed 'allies' are out here being like 'I'm an ally, and even I think that trans people are going too far with the whole sports thing,' etc. They falsely use the word 'ally' in order to more believably sh!t on the very community they claim to be an ally of. JK Rowling and Ana Kasparian called themselves allies too and look how that turned out. 'I'm an ally but...' is really the same as 'I'm not homophobic but...' Such a cowardly move. If you're about to say something potentially homophobic, at least be honest about it. Don't squirm away from your own positions. Better yet, if you think you're about to say something potentially homophobic, Google it first, I guarantee there will be resources out there, and then decide if you still want to say it. When someone tells me they're an ally, that tells me just about nothing about their actual values or actions. Both of my conversion therapists were self proclaimed 'allies'. Because duh, how else would they get a young qu33r to trust them and disclose all their deepest thoughts to them? (And no I'm not trying to say that everyone who says they're an ally does so for nefarious reasons, or that mistakes aren't allowed. What I am saying is that if you're trying to be an ally, maybe listen to the people you're trying to be an ally to, and don't dismiss their concerns or override them with your own opinions. Don't position yourself as the arbiter of which of the marginalized group's goals and concerns are legitimate and which aren't.) What did Dr. King say about white moderates again? They were a bigger problem than the overt rac!sts? Feels pretty applicable. With 'allies' like Rowling, who even needs her buddy Posy Parker anymore. Have you seen that clip of the movie Nimona where Ballister says something like 'now of course *I* totally accept you, but other people won't be as nice as me, so just for convenience sake, can you maybe not be yourself please?' and Nimona is like 'Riiiigghht...' That's what some of you 'allies' sound like. If you haven't seen Nimona, then you should probably go fix that soon.

[@grabbaloot]

preach honey

[@rodeanphilip7780]

I've been thinking the same thing! I'm thinking the hetero people should have to write the book about what straight means. I think the result would be that they would find out how little they know about their own preferences, and how much their own sexual expression has been limited by their own culture. For example, how can you "love only opposite sex people" and have a 50% divorce rate? In other words, if it's working so well that you have a "club", why are there so many people exhibiting symptoms of misery? At my age, I have definitely lost my ability to suffer fools gladly. Love & light

[@sophiaamundsen9142]

I'm one of those who's educated herself 🤭. A few years ago I started reading M/M romantic books and since then I've been reading/watching things about the "community" like crazy. Everything queer in the media or whatever and I'm in 🤪. Amazingly, this made me discover I was somewhat in the "asexual" spectrum. I had no idea something like that existed. Anyway, not sure if I can be considered a true "ally" or not but I'm glad I've been led here. Everything "straight" is just plain boring 😌.

[@sophiaamundsen9142]

BTW, I have/see no problem with being monogamous or wanting to have a connection with someone in order to be intimate with them. The same way I don't have a problem with people not wanting that, wanting to be in a poly relationship, a throuple or an open relationship. I don't think it has to do with being queer or straight but simply having certain personality traits. We're all different people and want different things and if we're not hurting others then we need to go with whatever makes us happy ❤️

[@ellanina801]

Would you say being an accomplice is “more than an ally”? Context: the cis het mayor who is running for re-election of the city I live said today to a group of LGBQTIA+ that “it’s not enough to be an ally.” It really stung me, but maybe it’s because I know her MO. Curious if anyone in the KZbin universe has any opinions.

[@deeznutz8320]

Dude wants an accomplice who will keep quiet when this guy will abuse a minor