why i'm so obsessed with myself

[@FormerlyAVM]

Everyone is obsessed with themselves, it’s the only person we truly know. Keep doin what you’re doin it’s great

[@YourMomHot]

I hate myself LMFAO

[@ChimplaGoober]

I think everyone’s going thru deep emotional self realization because we literally got stuck with ourselves in quarantine longer than we have ever imagined before. It was sudden and out of our control really. But I think it was a necessary step. Also after every 100 so years society goes thru enlightenment. This time it must be about our personal mental well-being

[@Lovejdrama]

I sometimes hate myself but also be so obsessed with myself like talk to myself not even my own parents 🤣🤣😂

[@PoisonnPanda]

Dude i swear this year is the year of realization for everyone. The amount I've learned about myself and the people around me this year from therapy is insane. Im SO PROUD of you! Im proud of everyone who is finding healing and growth this year! ❤️

[@winglessfairy564]

Bro not me I’m losing myself wtf

[@ashley1919100]

@Charlie James Any year can realization lmaooo

[@hannahbrown5465]

And also shout out to those who aren’t finding it yet because of life circumstances, we all will have our time

[@Itsandrearenee]

I felt so alone in experiencing many of the feelings you’ve explained. Im still trying to feel fully present to this day. I’ve had anxiety that the feeling may never come back. Some days I see my life as a book and I’m just living it but I’m not fully there. I’m 25 and I’m still like “I’m really out here livin” from time to time. I really needed this video, I need to take a step into healing my trauma and to be my full self again.

[@StrangerintheOzarks777]

I really understand what you mean by feeling not real. Dissociation is a common thing for people with anxiety and PTSD to feel. Feeling dissociated and numb is something I struggle with the most now because of anxiety being too much to deal with when I was younger. Even though we have different kinds of trauma, I think we all generally understand what it feels like being born into a world that keeps getting wilder.

[@kittym.h.1926]

Yup. Always told my therapist "I feel like an alien trying to nail how to human properly"

[@delaneykeller1389]

This was all for sure relatable content. The disassociation, the having to talk things out for them to feel real. I always have to say things to some multiple times before it sinks into my brain that I said it and that the other person heard it. Idk if that makes sense 😅 But I really related to a lot of this even tho the trauma is different.

[@monstergirlinc8707]

Not child me downloading a new personality whenever i discover a new character i liked.

[@melanchholly5891]

Dissociation is a rough thing to deal with. I've been working on it for the past few years due to trauma, but becoming self aware of it is the biggest hurdle. You've got this dude

[@TaylorReilly]

thank you!!! just making the discovery that it was even happening has done so much. appreciate the motivation :)

[@abrilesd]

The "I'm living a life" moment it's so real. I find it weird that other people say they hadn't felt it as well, but they probably will at some point, I hope. I used to have panic attacks at the thought of it, right now I'm like "yeh yeh we are". Of course you are obsessed with yourself if you are the only person you will get to know truthly and genuinely, and just because you actively try to do it does not mean you are egocentric, specially if you were never validated and you were derealized most of the time. You said it, she did her best in her own way but yeah she tried. We are constantly trying to understand our life experience but just a few will really be intentional about it. In the long run this will help you have empathy and be understanding of other people's life experiences, because you're being like that with yourself right know, and you will want to get to know them and understand them in the same way. And what is egocentric or narcissistic about that. Sorry I wrote a lot and it probably does not make any sense. Loved the video.

[@AndromedaChace]

That "I'm living a life" surrealism is quite familiar. I've heard positive moments of realization called "glimmers" like the opposite of a trigger and can be used to ground oneself by remembering when things feel real and safe. When they are just weird tho, I call it a "what is this place?" moment. The world is bizarre! Lol A lot of the crafting a personality and studying yourself to understand other's perception or recognize your natural expressions sounds like things a lot of me and my neurodivergent friends do (mostly autism but also ADHD). It was nice to know that a lot of others do the same type of almost zoological study of humans and myself to grasp normalcy and guide how to express oneself.

[@psychedlicsouljam1995]

I was always acting and talking to myself. I also feel like I'm not alive sometimes.... the whole dejavu feeling of realizing wow im alive .. its dissociation. I do it all the time

[@abbyabby2500]

I have an obsession with documenting myself, too. I have never once heard anyone else talk about this. I think we do it for different reasons, but still... I relate to you a lot, and in these more serious videos or videos where you look back at childhood I see soooo much of myself. I didn't expect this topic to come up, though. For me, I think it started with haaaaating my body and my face and everything about myself. I had reaalllyy bad social anxiety and I hated my appearance so much, which was a major reason for the social anxiety to exist among other things. I think by obsessively documenting myself, I was never 'out of the loop' with how people might perceive me. I needed to become familiar with every expression I make naturally, every part of my body that wasn't immediately visible to me in the mirror... But I never got why I needed to write everything down in journals, record my thoughts in voice notes, screenshot every conversation/everything I found online no matter how little, preserve and cherish anything I made or wrote when I was younger... I dont dissociate like youre explaining, so I dont get it. Ive always been upset by the notion that Im full of myself/self obsessed, too, My family has called me that, my childhood best friend did, too. (Whats worse is that spiraling about guilt from being self obsessed means youre self obsessing) I guess I dont feel real, either, but not in a dissociative way. More like, I dont matter. Not in the grand scheme of things, and not really even from a smaller perspective. I was pretty lonely. I didn't and still dont feel like anyone really gets me (not anyone I've ever met..) and I dont 100 get myself, either. Maybe I'm just trying to create this huge collage of my memories and thoughts and pictures so I can understand myself.

[@rachelzeke]

Being bullied and ostracized from other kids growing up made me do the same thing. I feel like a lot of times we disassociate as a way of protecting ourselves. If we’re not “real” then we can’t hurt. And growing up with technology, it’s so easy to escape and disassociate, to the point where you’re living vicariously through media. Then, once you start to pull away from that, you’re faced with your thoughts and feelings at once and it can be incredibly anxiety inducing. Not sure if this is completely how you feel, but it was definitely my experience with disassociation.

[@mandigurl2341]

Not me sobbing in the bathroom because I realized my medical trauma as a child caused my issues as well.

[@psychedlicsouljam1995]

I have so much h medical trauma and trauma from bullying and I've also been assaulted. My best friend had serious scoliosis with surgery I also struggle with emotional pain too. I hate my body I have eating disorders.. I hear you girl I hear everything your saying. And don't ever be afraid to tell somebody you love you are worth it and were ur little fam, love you 😅 xoxo Canada

[@gianina02]

I just wanted to say I completely understand every ounce of this video. You're not alone in feeling unreal/surreal, and I've had this feeling since I was a small child like you. The affects of trauma are absolutely wild, and I think we've both been at similar points of improvement at the same time, and it's been so fucking nice to have as a viewer who's felt alone more often than not. So I wanted to thank you for having the courage to be a public figure and so vulnerable with who you are and what you go through. I think you got me through horrible times with very similar pains. I'm so happy for the both of us, and I hope you continue to improve and live your best life 🌻 you deserve to be celebrated!!!

[@bluewolftwilight]

Man this is so specifically relatable to me. I also have an incredibly rare genetic disorder and had multiple experimental surgeries each year until I was 14. I'm the same age as you and the way you describe your anxiety and dissociation is eerie. I don't want to be weird or whatever, but bro if you ever want to talk to someone who relates hit me up.

[@Perzxi]

Girl- I think everyone is obsessed with you on how pretty, gorgeous, and just hilarious you are. I’ve been watching you since i was 6-7 and im now 16. idk if it’s just me (hope it’s not) you’ve gotten me through so much in my life with how funny and inspiring you are! Much love!!! ❤️❤️❤️ you’ve made me become a better person and I love you so much! Btw where did you get the bralette/top?

[@jerrilehane7815]

well said & for you truly felt.

[@XixeatxnarwhalsX]

This is so wholesome and true

[@TaylorReilly]

omg wow...thank you so much. genuinely.

[@Perzxi]

@@TaylorReilly ofc, you’ve made me a better person, ngl when I saw this I cried, I never expected You to respond or like anything of mine! And your good take your time!! ❤️❤️❤️ good luck with future posts and stay safe! ❤️❤️❤️

[@OzzyIsBlue]

That’s so cool you got to play with Julian! And you are the only you that exists. It’s ok to be “obsessed” with yourself. You are just trying to know yourself better in the best way you know how. Much love & we are all here to support you!

[@purplevoice1363]

I have derealization & depersonalization bc of cptsd from childhood trauma & medical trauma, & this is the first time I've heard someone put into words exactly how I've been feeling for as long as I can remember, thank you for sharing

[@purplevoice1363]

This video made me feel real for the first time is a WHILE

[@scorpio958]

same

[@taylorm2280]

This is blowing my mind…….I never knew anyone else did this. I HAVE to post pictures and videos from trips/traveling/etc or else I feel like it never happened. If there’s nothing for me to go back and look at on Instagram or my photos then it doesn’t feel real. I never knew why I felt that way but I always told people it was because I had a bad memory and wanted to remember the trip. But in actuality I just needed to FEEL like the trip or event actually happened. I also film myself doing mundane tasks and then once I’m finished I’ll go sit down and watch the video back. I can’t even guess how many hour long videos are on my PhotoBooth app on my Mac….. Thank you for sharing. It put things into perspective for me

[@MacGuffinExMachina]

I haven't had all the surgeries, but the mental part is incredibly relatable. That may be what drew me to your content.

[@tayxoxo9388]

thank you for sharing this! i truly feel this on so many levels and relate. i shut down my nervous system at 6 when my mom left me at a home for "the weekend" then never came back.... then a few weeks later learning the man i thought was my father wasnt and being separated from my sisters. from that point forward i was raising the "adults" around me. so thank you, for making me feel a little less alone in this world :)

[@haleyjalitza1011]

The part about not feeling real- thank you for talking about that. I feel less alone and you make me feel like survival is possible.

[@jijiian]

I've always liked your personality and sense of humor. And seeing you grow over the last few years makes me genuinely happy for you. I didn't have any situations quite like yours but still so many things you say I can relate to. I hope you keep figuring things out and finding more peace girl 💕

[@kellyhoffmann1]

Taylor, I think we all tune in to see you-not clever skits, political rants etc. Your appeal is that you are very real, there is no bullshit in you. Also, you have faced greater challenges than many of us. To see you facing those challenges with humor and bravery inspires us as we face our own. We’re with you. Keep being you. Love and well wishes to you, beautiful girl.

[@GrimmReeferX]

This video has unleashed such a raging torrent of thought in my mind that I really want to write a TL;DR, college thesis sort of comment. But it would be mostly about me in an attempt to qualify my statements. So many parallels. I think you're very introspective and are still trying to figure out who you are since you've been treated so much differently than most throughout the entirety of your life. It's not unusual to consistently try to mold and shape your own personality nor to model it off of others' examples or expectations. Your methods are not unusual. You can stand back and see things for what they really are. You're a dreamer. You dissociate in times of worry or stress. Again, not unusual, particularly given the circumstances of your more formative years. I've had my own forms of pain, torment, mistreatment abuse,, ostrichization, isolation, trauma, etc. I can definitely sympathize with everything you've said in this video. If I'm off, I never said I was a psychoanalyst, nor could a 25 minute video give me enough to fulfill such a function, obviously. I can simply relate. Just do a nameless, faceless entity on the internet a favor. Not that I have any reason to believe that you're in danger of this, but don't ever lend your life at any point to any kind of chemical dependence or start living your life vicariously like I did. I'm not terribly worried about that because you seem to have much better friends and family than I did, from what I've seen of your content. Best of luck on your journey.

[@valeriasidon8655]

the real question here is why am i so obsessed with YOU !? n e ways love u tayay. i personally like you a lot, ur super personable and funny. smart, witty, TALENDED at what u do. i'm so proud of u. don't be afraid to vent. as a fellow over-explainer, we *get* it. hell, taylor, i think most of the people who follow u because they see themselves in u. we are all just an anxious club, trying to figure shit out. (not to undermine or compare exactly what ur going through!) in fact, everyone who is reading this comment, i love u.

[@Riley-zg5rc]

i know you may think that you weren’t making any sense in this video (and in the inner child video), but as somebody who has been chronically ill since birth and has gone through many surgeries/procedures, and has lots of medical trauma etc everything you are saying is making perfect sense to me. i’ve never tried really talking about it in that way you did, but now i don’t need to, because you put everything i’ve felt all my life into words. i feel horrible that other people know what it’s like to go through stuff like this, but it’s also extremely validating because it’s like “hey, Taylor feels this way too, i’m not alone in this”. but anyway, yeah, this comment was one big ramble, but like i already said, everything you said in this video and in the inner child video makes perfect sense.

[@raycharleson4167]

You are a Beautiful Woman who is finding herself enjoy the Journey

[@lunarose5817]

god, i can really relate to some of the things you mentioned. specifically the dissociation and how you don’t feel real or how life doesn’t feel real in general, the manually created personality you felt like you had to come up with, the struggle to notice your own needs sometimes (the pain meds part) etc… ngl i definitely cried towards the end, but i’m so glad you made this video, especially because being vulnerable isn’t easy. i genuinely learned more about myself through this. i also feel like me and the rest of your community got to see and learn about a different side of you and in a way i feel closer to you now. thank you, taylor

[@jefferysannicolas4716]

"I talk about myself so much cuz I don't feel real"...I felt that on such a deep level.

[@DoomSlayer_]

You are not ugly, or whatever other people think. And who cares if some people are obsessed with themselves. We all personally know that people will do anything to get under our skin. I've had similar things said to me some time in the past. I brush it off and show them that I am a beautiful person outside and in. I just wanted to say that you too, are a beautiful person outside and in and will always deserve the love and respect from all of us. You are a strong woman ❤Keep doing what you do best, and keep being awesome, funny, and amazing. Much love and respect to you Taylor.

[@leeannamason]

Aside from being a little guinea pig lab rat, this is insanely relatable. This gave me a lot of comfort knowing that I’m not the only one who has had such this specific experience mentally. Thank you for being so open about this. It’s helping yourself and others more than you know.

[@rainy.d7404]

This 'self obsession' is really just you going through your healing journey from the trauma you experienced as a young child. This right here is therapy. ❤

[@maryfrizzell5945]

Wait.. Can we please get a "I don't feel real" with that face after on a shirt? 😂 it was too perfect

[@halleegessele9506]

TAYLOR FOR PRESIDENT

[@elix1133]

Yeah I definitely did the same thing as a kid. I don't remember like any of my childhood. I look at old pictures of myself and it doesn't feel like me, I don't remember being there. I was so depressed even from a young age without knowing what that meant or how to articulate it that I didn't experience my own life for most of my school years. I was selectively mute for a long time and was either in a daydream/fantasy world or just completely gone. I really didn't participate in school clubs or pursue many interests or hobbies because I didn't see a point? I'm at the point now, turning 20 in a few months, where I'm so unprepared emotionally or skills-wise for adulthood and "real life" because (sorry this is kinda dark) I didn't expect myself to live to adulthood? Like at all? I didn't think to prepare. It was something I felt in my bones from a young age, that I wasn't here for long. And it wasn't until late middle and most of high school that I could articulate to myself that I wanted to remove my presence from the planet. I still look at my reflection to this day and just stare and think "so that's what I look like". I don't really know how to explain what it was but I just didn't feel real. I felt like I was stuck in a sort of purgatory in transition to something else. Don't fucking know what though. Edit: also I feel like I should add, if there's no photo or video evidence of me doing something, it didn't happen. Like I forget it even happened, and because I don't feel real when people try to explain it like "remember when we did this?" I don't believe it was me doing it. It feels like someone else's memories. The same thing happens with people too, my brain is the extreme version of "out of sight, out of mind". If I don't see someone or talk to them regularly, it's like they never existed. I don't remember them, I don't think of them, they poof out of my mind. And it's not because I don't care for them, I fucking love my friends but they just don't come to mind really unless there's something physically there to remind me. It's the strangest thing. My first and only cat died in January and I don't ever think about him. Not because I hated him, he was amazing. He just isn't there to remind my brain to think of him so the thoughts don't come. But that also means I don't really grieve either. I watched Safiya's video about Crusty the other day and fucking sobbed because I'm sad that my cat is gone and that he had to suffer but I don't miss him any other time or notice his absence, and then when the video was done I was done crying and moved on like it never happened. As soon as he was gone all thoughts of him disappeared from the front of my mind. Like they were immediately taken back to storage, including my sadness, my grief, and all my memories of him. I look at pictures of him and they seem distant, like I'm observing someone else's memories of their life with him. For a while I questioned if I was a heartless monster because I 'should' be more upset about him being gone, but the thing is I do care. When I feel, I feel deeply. When I miss him, I really miss him. But when I'm not, it's like he never existed. I'm so dissociated from my own emotions that I can't even be sad about him unless some outside stimulus is like "hey remember your cat that died, that sucked" and then I'm sad. But only then. Hopefully this makes sense, I don't really know how to explain this because I only recently realized this wasn't how everyone else is and I don't really have the words or understanding to articulate it yet.

[@elix1133]

@Stellar Sphinx thank you!

[@elix1133]

@Stellar Sphinx well fuck that was really wholesome and kind. This made me smile. You deserve all the same, I hope you get fulfillment out of the life you live and you're able to make meaningful connections with yourself and others around you. You're a beautiful being as well, and I hope you have the wonderful life you deserve you kind, gentle creature

[@JustHarperGray]

I relate so much to this. I’m also someone who disassociates at difficult times either emotionally or physically. When I was first diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis I had a flare that lasted nine months and I remember completely pretending like I wasn’t alive. When I think back it’s hard to remember anything. It’s still my coping mechanism. Now when I go through flares I try to stay in myself (not sure how to word that). I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. It took me seven years to clear up my childhood.

[@Savannah_315]

this is honestly so relatable. I was (and still am) a medically complex child AND an only child so this resonated

[@dmorgan740]

Ok, first of all, your eyes are the most gorgeous blue, and your eyebrows are looking so good!! And second of all, you're ALLOWED to be obsessed with yourself. YOURself. Not anyone else's self. Your very own self to be obsessed with. You've been through a LOT girl. You've also grown a lot, and have come along way. You are realizing things and understanding things better, and understanding yourself better. That's definitely something to talk about. That's something to be so proud of. And anyone who has a problem with it is simply just irrelevant and they can take a hike. I've watched you for quite awhile now, and I'm so proud of all your growth and how much you have discovered and embraced. You can talk about you all you want and I'll be here to continue watching and cheering you on from the sidelines!

[@GoodestKitty]

I read a study that people that consistently upload to social media also have narcissistic characteristics. Don’t sweat it, no one will care about you like you will. We are all obsessed with ourselves to a degree. We’re hardwired to focus on our survival and happiness.

[@jordanc2616]

Thank you for sharing things like this with us. You may have felt like you rambled, but you really did a great job expressing your thoughts. Thanks again :)

[@faithvfxx]

I saw the title of this video and instantly thought to screenshot it and send it to my friends because same girl same

[@chevelledc]

Holy shit. This is so insightful. I remember, when I was really young (maybe 6 or 7 years old), telling my mom that I don't feel real. Something good happened, and I didn't feel like it was me experiencing it, like I was someone else. So hard to describe... still feel like I'm manually displaying a personality to people, still feel like I'm watching shit happen to my avatar a lot of the time... it's been really helpful watching you describe some of these things. I've also experienced hyper awareness of being a human experiencing life. Sometimes, I'm just aware of it... like, I'm a creature... on a planet... that's spinning through space and the sun or moon is shining on me now because this weird rock is turning. I am insignificant and simultaneously so very significant. I'm living this mundane yet impossible and significant life.

[@aubreyslayton]

i used to deadass literally say “i’m a human” that’s wild i remember so vividly almost panicked but so calm like i’m a person, just personing

[@breannathompson9094]

I have to say... after years of having low self esteem or tearing yourself down with anxiety or depression wreaking havok, dissociation causing complete numbness... and taylor having the internet to top off the comments PLUS medical procedures. I think even a small amount of confidence feels "conceited." It feels like we get self absorbed because we literally didn't have very much self esteem to begin with, the confusion of dissociation is real for me too. On days i feel confident, actual confidence and grounding, i feel almost narcissistic. My brain says, "how dare you take up space to exist, go back in the hole." Even though logically im not conceited, i just try to enjoy myself in my own skin. Thats NOT self absorbed. Self love is not self absorption at this level. It just feels like it because we are so used to being low. When you're the type of person to worry about other people first, it feels so selfish to worry about yourself. But you have to sometimes. Its good for you, it isnt selfish. You have to put your air mask on before you help the other people on the plane, same goes for emotional wellbeing and care. I know taylor loves sharing her life with us and making us happy. She cant do that unless she can also do so for herself. Feeling unreal is one of the hardest feelings of disconnection, and it takes a lot of work to come out of it. Dont discredit any work youve done for yourself, taylor!

[@Charliebubs]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have experienced the same type of dissociation that you described as a result of growing up in a home with a lot of domestic violence issues. I would have (and still do) have these weird moments of consciousness. I didn’t know what it was and I felt like I was going crazy at points. It helps to hear that other people experience this too. I find that mindfulness meditation helps me the most. I would love to hear of more ways you cope with this in the future ❤️

[@brittany9488]

This makes sense to me. If your bodily autonomy and sense of control over your body was challenged so early on in life, it makes sense to struggle with feeling real and having control/being connected to your body and self.

[@kaitlynl660]

When you said you don't feel real I teared up a bit because same. I too worried I was too obsessed with myself but I realised it came from years of trauma and just trying to survive and now it's turned into me trying to give myself the best life I possibly can. I also don't see the harm in it as I continue to be present for my family and friends and nurture the relationships and connections I have while still aiming for my own success and happiness.

[@thatdeafgal8947]

Ugh, I know how you feel when it comes to realizing the one thing that is SO obvious is the main reason for your depression. For me, it took me til I was 29 after dealing with all the other crap I assumed caused my depression, but really were add-ons to a deeper root which is my deafness in both ears which really is a daily struggle that I so blatantly ignored for my whole life because I'm the only deaf person in my family.

[@tasiacross5173]

Why is this me. I myself have been through so much. Especially during my childhood. Thank you for being so open. I'm proud of you.

[@mandyb2245]

I love your sense of humor and how you interact with your fluffy kitties. I dunno how anyone can call you anything but beautiful, because you're gorgeous. I love watching your videos.

[@candyandacurrantbun]

I could never put how I’ve felt all of my life into words, so that made it extremely difficult to know that other people go through life feeling the same. Since I was a kid too I would record myself doing NOTHING and just rewatch it repeatedly. I still do it now and I’m 19 lol. And I never considered those moments of “clarity” were me coming out of dissociation for a short moment. Thank you so much for this video, Taylor.

[@katkasey9365]

Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I can relate to how you're feeling in so many ways and this made those feelings feel valid for me

[@baileycannon3777]

Taylor, I used to make videos as kid from age 10 to 16 (2009-2015) I had unresolved trauma during that time and this video helped me come to terms with the fact I was dissociating. I could relate to just about everything you said - watching the videos back over and over, developing a personality through them and other internet stars… I needed this so much, thank you!

[@rayne4134]

“i talk about myself all the time bc i don’t feel real” i started crying. it fit so well. thank you for talking abt this, honey

[@Felix-iw1iq]

I find comfort in watching your videos because you are real to me and are someone I can relate to. I have struggled with this and it’s crazy to me that someone actually understands :,). I would get so lost in my head but whenever I would go around my friends they would distract me from my thoughts and being haunted by the time but then one day I couldn’t help it anymore and not even them could distract me from going numb again. I couldn’t feel anything. I had no idea who I was or what I felt or what my interests were. I tested my limits and would make dumb decisions because I wanted something to happen and I would tell myself that no matter what happens or what I do I’ll be okay but I would always tell myself that in bad situations where it was toxic. I never know if my feelings are genuine. I always put things off and I know that if I want change I can change and I can do anything as long as I try for it but I physically cannot do that because I’m depressed and simply going to the bathroom is a chore lol. After dealing with this numbness and people were starting to catch on I knew I needed to do something about it so I started recording myself to see how I act and look when doing things and so that I could see myself the way they see me because it’s so much different than looking in a mirror. Lol I could go on and on about this but I’m gonna stop here haha I love you Taylor and I’m so happy you’re figuring yourself out. You’ve come so far and I’m glad that you’re on your feet

[@luminouspuff7733]

You've validated everything I've been feeling about my own medical trauma. I'm always like "oh I'm fine!" Or "I'm just used to it!" Which isn't true. I'm not fine and I've never been used to it. I'm tired of lying to myself. 🖤

[@idab6864]

I had moments of coming out of dissociation as a child too, in those moments I'd realize that life is actually happening to me, but my brain would immediately make me dissociate from reality again, and then years passed with this happening, until I was able to give it a name and learn about what it is. It comes in waves. Growth isn't linear. We're on an upward spiral, babes x

[@beetheknee0409]

Thank you for speaking up so that we don’t feel so alone! Your a queen 👑 I wish I knew you personally, we would vibe and resonate so much! Love yah girl 💕

[@claireinaflower]

omg 11:50 i used to have this happen too. i'd realise "omg wait I'm like watching this play out, its a real thing on a planet in the solar system." it was so stupid but such an enthralling feeling

[@amccrorey96]

As someone who has a masters degree in social work, children disconnecting from pain and emotions to survive is completely valid and “normal”. A lot of kids that go through trauma have parts of their memories lost from their childhood and some people literally don’t remember their childhood at all. But, I came here to say your thoughts, emotions, actions, and coping mechanisms are completely valid. I am glad you are going to get the professional help you need to better yourself. Sometimes the first step is just showing up. ❤️

[@giantenemycrab8297]

I've discovered that I don't have to be an enemy to the human race but a hero...yeah, a hero.

[@bubbleblossom333]

taylor i haven’t watched you in so long and i’m sorry. i’m back now, and i’m obsessed with you too

[@CamDollar]

Dude Taylor, you looks so FKN GOOD IN THAT COLOR MAROON OR WHATEVER. It makes your eyes, skin and hair POP. Lord have mercyyyy, save some gorgeous for the rest of us.

[@ipodkitty420]

ive been watching you for the past 7 years, youve introduced me to alot of my old favourite music, and made me laugh while ive been at my worst. thankyou for making content and being you

[@hippiechic6772]

💓Thank you💓 I understand your point of view very well . I appreciate how open you are with not only more details of your life as a child but how you are doing now. It is great to hear that you are doing better now than in the past years . Thank you for sharing these moments very much.

[@jaybugo]

What you're describing is something I feel a lot more people understand than you think. I used to make some videos too and my thing was that they were made so that I could criticize myself because that's just what I felt like I needed. I needed to force myself to sort of see how others saw me, but then soon I realized the person in that video wasn't me. Hardcore introspection time later, it opened up a lot of things about myself I was never aware of. I've been following you since "THE INHALER GIRL RETURNS", and I have loved the vibe you bring because you seem to make it a point to be as genuine as you can be and I think that's why so many people love your videos. Always love these types of videos from you, I think I can speak for all your subs that we like to know you're doing better because if you can improve yourself, maybe we can as well. :)

[@bobbydarker1959]

I think I spent most of my formative years daydreaming my situation and feelings away. I definitely use the internet, KZbin and twitch as a current means of disassociating, even then I'll feel like in double disassociating, I'll be watching and day dreaming. What a wonderful video, love the interaction with your cat ❤️

[@alptraum7644]

ive got chronic issues w dissociation myself, and definitely relate to a lot of what you said. ive also definitely had the "i'm living a LIFE" moment multiple times throughout my life, lol, i related especially hard to that. overall, i really like these honest sort of therapy videos of yours. they're very relatable and helpful to hear that other people are going thru the same shit i am. congrats on all your progress, and heres to more for the rest of 2022! : )

[@ViolentNightshade]

Taylor, everyone here who is a fan of you, and watched you for a while, has done so because we can relate to you and we love the person that you are. You struggle, you have insecurities, you have trauma, because you’re human. You are real. You make us all feel human too, because this is a niche little corner of the internet where people with difficult childhoods, self deprecating humour and a love of cats can all get together and feel like we’re all friends. Like we’re all here for each other. You’re here for us, and we’re here for you, always 💙

[@wackywally69420]

realizing you are living a life is no joke as a lil kid with PTSD - I vividly remember those moments

[@kreatesse]

i feel you so much on the "creating a personality" bit. to be honest i thought i still had to do that until very recently, and i'm 26 now. i've always kind of lived my life in third person, if that makes sense. i don't think about myself and life from an inside perspective, it's always like i'm viewing myself from the outside. i think that's why i felt that i had to craft a personality for myself, cause i had no idea who i was "inside". idk how to explain, but i'm now learning to be more aware of myself in first person. thanks for sharing taylor, you're amazing ♥️

[@tiredandcaffeinated]

The Taylor and Julien collabs are something I never knew we needed. 💜

[@brightsalot]

Thank you for making this video and discussing this with us. I sometimes physically feel like I’m drifting a few feet above my body, usually happens when using a phone/laptop/etc while sitting in hunched positions (those two combined are almost a trigger for it, thanks to years of endless tumblr scrolling), and after looking into it found info on depersonalization and derealization, but I think I struggle with similar issues as you. I went to a concert tonight (technically last night at this hour) and it still doesn’t feel real, and I’ve LITERALLY said that to half the people I met tonight. But it felt more real when I recounted the evening to my boyfriend and then to mother separately, especially about the meet & greet, and I obviously do that because that helps me remember but subtly it also makes it actually ~feel real~. Really hard to explain. You’re still learning the lingo as am I but you’re already doing a good job explaining it. Eek sry this is long winded I’ve been awake for an ungodly number of hours…peace✌️

[@kittym.h.1926]

I know youre younger than me, but I still love your channel because you have a fun personality and you're honest. As a person who's had to navigate life with CPTSD for probably years way before I was officially diagnosed, I understand you not feeling real. I wish you well down the line with the recovery process, and thank you for sharing a piece of your life authentically with us. Isn't it cathartic to have that mask off even for just 5 min? Have a good day/night

[@angel101w]

I don’t feel real a lot of the time. It kind of just makes me feel like I’m a shell for a soul and that nothing actually matters. And I have also disconnected for a lot of my life after the age of 13; I didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else so I came up with the term of “autopilot”. Like my body is present and doing things but on the inside, I am just in a whole other place. I am so glad I am not the only one who has had these feelings.

[@thedisappointmentvarietych2659]

I haven’t been through medical trauma like you have but the amount that i relate to how you feel about most things is uncanny and i guess im just starting my healing journey but this video was very eye opening for me thank you ❤ you were able to explain a lot of things i can’t even put into words or comprehend on my own

[@charliemuffins_939]

I love these mental health videos! I've been watching your content for about 6 years now & you've grown so much🖤 I'm 28 & also feel like I have no clue wtf I'm doing lol The more I've taken care of my mental health & unpacking trauma from childhood, the better understanding I've gained of who I am & why. The disassociation part is extremely relatable! I said for years that I didn't feel real & people looked at me like 👁👄👁

[@briand624]

I’ve had those moments of realizing life is actually happening when I was younger as well. I thought that happened to everyone

[@insxmniao1867]

Taylor, please start a podcast I always have your videos in the background of doing other stuff at the same time, and talking about yourself is completely valid, its your life, you should be able to to talk about it without criticism and obviously you're gonna want to talk about your experience because YOU had to go through it...

[@skylarfixmer411]

I’m really proud of you for coming out and telling us, It’s really nice to see into others lives and feel less alone. even though I never went through exactly what you did. I can relate in a lot of way and it’s amazing to feel like I know you better. So thank you!

[@Eric-xj9ft]

Thank you Taylor for sharing. I think in some way we all have to be a lil obsessed with ourselves. For me it helps to stay focused on work, family and other things. If i don't then things get crazy real fast. Your lighthouse and owl are to cool. peace and love...

[@saravee3474]

your eyes are so freaking pretty

[@GrimmReeferX]

Those moments of hyper awareness that you described. I used to get those so bad growing up. They're very rare now, very nauseating, and usually involves some sort of flashback. "I'm living a life" is pretty much a perfect description for how this experience feels.

[@sourgreendolly7685]

Just stumbled upon your channel, not even 7 minutes in, and I totally understand you on not feeling real and how talking about my experiences makes it feel a little less unreal. My reasons are different, but you’re not alone 💕

[@Bat_Fiend.]

Thank you for talking about this! I think you're not alone in feeling this way. I know I've felt similarly for long periods of my life but not known why or what is happening. Obviously we all have our own experiences and I'm not trying to take away from yours at all. Just that I think it's an important subject. I saw the "inner child-video" when it came out too and felt the same way. Even though you think you are just venting I believe this can actually help alot of other people too. I'm so happy you are doing better now tough and I hope it continues in that direction for you! All the love!❤

[@shiradeath1583]

Queen, oof I got so much to say but really I can just sum it up to "yes what you said." I'm learning a lot right now about what happens in the brain and the body after trauma, all the things our brain does to protect us. The shutting off feeling feelings is a trauma response the brain does very well. Dissociation is protecting us from horror because no human being can handle all the pain of life all at once so again our body does these amazing defense methods so that we don't crumble under something no one is equipped for. Our lizard brains keep us alive but when trauma happens they can get stuck in flight, fight or freeze which requires therapy to get unstuck. Gah sorry I couldn't help myself I'm just deeply moved by your videos, you sharing your story like this it is so powerful. love u rockstar

[@SortofUnpleasant]

As a person with BPD and chronic pain (from a rare disorder) since the age of 11, I can relate. Was obsessed with making music videos and vlogs around the age of 11. It just spiraled into me making really popular Facebook pages when I was 15, where I would be in Tinychat rooms with my fans. Went from there to YouNow, then Periscope, and now Twitch. I still do this thing to this DAY where I'll re-read everything I've tweeted since the last time I checked. Just scrolling down my own social media. I use those apps to see what I was posting about 1, 2, 3+ years ago. I specifically do it because sometimes I am unsure if I'm still even me????? It's the weirdest sensation!

[@Bubblies005]

As someone who dissociated my way through college I know how hard it is to stay in the moment. Weirdest is when people share memories and you’re confused. Glad you’re doing well! ❤️

[@ranna6738]

Dude I had 2 surgeries 2 years apart and as an adult. And I’m dissociating constantly. You went through so. Much. Huggggggggs. I honestly rarely feel things especially with Zoloft. And hey my chest feels a certain way about your struggle. 💜

[@MykkiOnTheCusp]

You spend your whole life dissociating and those random moments of clarity where you realize you're a whole, actual living and breathing person are wild.

[@kaitlightsey6223]

I WAS REWATCHING YOUR BREADED CHUNKS VIDEO WHEN YOUR NOTIFICATION POPPED UP ❤️❤️❤️

[@stephaniepapaleo521]

Omg breaded chunks 😂

[@elix1133]

I love these tops you wear sometimes they're fucking gorgeous

[@belle6718]

This video made me so emotional. I didn't know that anyone else could feel like I do right now.

[@natashahall8112]

I've missed you lady! Keep loving yourself, cuz at the end of the day we only got ourselves. Much love Taylor ❤️

[@nl7784]

hey taylor, ive been watching you for years at this point. ive been one of those viewers that doesnt comment or even have a youtube account but i finally felt the actual need to comment lmao. i just wanted to say ive related so much to you all these years and this video made me realize why. I remember being a kid and feeling like i wasnt a real person, by body didnt feel real and ive dealt with this up until now aat 26. i recorded myself much like you did and i was super hannah montana freak way back when (surprise, a girl living two lives, being two seperate people) lol im just now realizing alot of the reasons why i am the wway i am. I felt alone before today, so i want you to know YOU arent alone either. keep growing and glowing girl. much love.

[@TaylorReilly]

wooooooww the hannah montana thing!!! omg!! that is so interesting. thank you so much for commenting. sending much love back to you

[@jaidenbow8208]

I related so much on such a deep level, I cried and the thoughts floating around my mind in relation to this video are keeping me awake. I wasn't expecting to get called out tonight, but this hit home on a ridiculous level, I related to every word. Thanks for helping me realize I need therapy. Love you Taylor

[@lv426.79]

i legit completely understand. i have alice in wonderland syndrom... the kind that makes me not feel real. its painful. ily and i hope youre doing good. sometimes idk who i am. ive watched your videos since i was like 13 and you give me such a sense of comfort

[@tatianapastewski8366]

you’re my comfort person

[@nicluvsyou237]

I relate to this so hard after having a ton of face surgeries as a kid and teen. I don’t know if that’s where my disassociations come from but snapping into reality sometimes is so relatable. Medical trauma fucking sucks