Why INFJs Struggle to Express their Emotions

[@christian1172-z9e]

INFJ- I was surprised at myself when my son died. I could not share my emotions. I probably came off as cold. Ladies would come up to me and hug me and cry. My FE automatically turned on to understand THEM and comfort THEM, so much so that I couldn’t feel my own emotions at all. I could only feel when I was alone. I remember many of them felt akward and afraid of saying the wrong thing. So my attention was on making them feel comfortable and assuring them they were fine.

[@c.lstrife]

First, I want to say that I'm so sorry for the death of your child. I hope that you feel a lot better and had some support during that difficult time and that you have healed from it. I also dealt with a family death a few years ago, and my experience was that I was a bit cynical and harsh with family members who showed up. It was at that moment I told my closest family members that when I pass away, I would never have a funeral. In the end, I realized that I find death annoying rather than scary. Regardless of how I view death, though, I do hope that you are ok.

[@tinyknits]

It took me five years before I cried when I lost my mother. I was too busy taking care of everyone else that I put my emotions aside.

[@NobodysFavourite]

I’m also an INFJ, this rings true. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take time, even if it was long ago, to really deal with those feelings and that experience. From personal experience, we have to process them and feel them. If you haven’t reached the point where you can bring your thoughts/feelings into the real world I would really encourage that. I tell infjs to “say the words”. For me, it’s been so interesting to see how my secret inner world (that I assumed on some level people could access) once it was brought into the exterior world how my level of tension decreased significantly. I hope that makes sense. Maybe you’re already far beyond me there. But its helped me and my relationships so much.

[@light5634]

I think I can safely say that I've grown to be decently well connected to my emotions and learned to articulate them again decently well most of the time. But I don't think anyone has to always express every single emotion they feel. What's the point? If you don't need to or it isn't going to serve any purpose, why waste so much energy? I had to learn to communicate my negative feelings. Then when I panicked, I desperately needed external help regulating myself because I couldn't calm down on my own. Then I learned to deal better with panic and I allow the wave to go away and then think clearly and if I still need to talk something out with somebody, I do it. Of course, I would occasionally vent, but I have processed the emotion to a good extent beforehand. And I saw how the more connected I became to my feelings and the better able I became at analyzing them and paralelly the more psychology I read, the better I became at articulating myself and hence the better I became at communicating and upholding boundaries. The end result is I feel much better in my own skin and I'm far more confident. Having great Fi doms and auxilliaries around me also gave me further permission to be confident that my emotions matter. I'd say being surrounded by balanced individuals is one of the best gifts a person could give themselves.

[@c.lstrife]

Hey Ren, Thanks for answering that question. I asked that because every time someone ask me what I'm feeling and how im doing, I have to pause and THINK how I feel before telling them, "Im fine." Theres also times when stressful situations happen, too, and my first reaction is to think of solving the problem first and then feel emotions of it afterward. Also, there are times when I use metaphors to describe how I feel, too. 😂. Here are some questions: 1) Why do people think that INFJs have "their act together" when we don't? 2) Do you think NI is like the premonition scenes in Final Destination, or is that NE? 3) Do all infjs or specific infjs think in visual pictures or not? 4) why do people feel the need to spill their secrets to us all the time? Sorry if these are repeat questions. Keep making these great videos, have a good day Ren.

[@cacheknock]

6:57 Right! Speaking from a spiritualize/spiritual INFJ.

[@mezidvemastromy5546]

Simple, you cannot express yourself through others.

[@Coneman3]

Very interesting and deep analysis. In the absence of MBTI understanding, we tend to assume all people are a mix of selfish and selfless (or giving) emotions. We know from experience that people tend to be either givers or takers. How much this correlates either Fi/Fe users I’m not sure, but I think there definitely is a strong correlation. But I think it would be a mistake to see Fi as making the Fi user selfish. Fi users care for people that they value due to Fi, and their general values is what they feel good aligning with. Fe users tend to seek good feeling through the communal and in helping others. Both have a route to the same thing but I think the difference is that one is subjective the other objective.

[@tinyknits]

Why do people feel it's necessary to always share their emotions? Is it for validation? Positive emotions tend to give positive feedback and put out positive energy. Negative emotions will either get ignored, questioned or sympathy. The energy it puts out also affects others. In today's society, oversharing is a huge issue. We've become desensitized because of oversharing. My emotions are mine. I deal with my negative emotions privately. When I share them, I feel the opposite. I'm pushing them onto others.

[@Mya_9393]

I'm not certain that you're correct. It seems as though the greater problem, as I've seen it, is that we've forgotten that we require others or the tribe in order to properly calibrate our emotions. I think that when we pride ourselves too much for keeping our emotions to ourselves, we risk isolation, minimization, or catastrophizing. I think people want to interpret that as strength, but it's not. Being able to be vulnerable while in the presence of another is extraordinarily difficult, and in my opinion, one of the only ways that humans can truly process their emotions. Idk, that's what it seems like to me.

[@tinyknits]

@@Mya_9393 I can understand where you're coming from but it's not the only way to process emotions. Is it a natural way? I believe so but not the only way. You don't need external validation to accept that your emotions are real or even valid. Not everyone has genuine people they can be vulnerable with. I turn to journaling and do a lot of reflecting.

[@VeggieJohnx2]

Interesting, that is definitely not my experience with NFJs, as ones I know often wind up confiding in me. I find ENFJs definitely express emotions connected to their needs pretty easily, and actually feel the need to talk-out-loud about their relationship issues in order to process and move forward, often consulting in others for advice. The few INFJs I know will do so but much less frequently. I wind up being a kind of interpreter for what was likely going on with the other party members involved, offering a perspective that they don’t quite get or consider. There still exists the need to talk about relationship issues, but perhaps not as often. Perhaps because needs (even underlying needs) wind up being expressed via emotions, and the fact that the needs of Ni might be pretty hazy or vague, might lead to feeling like any emotions expressed are still not satisfactorily expressing the deeper underlying needs connected to that part of the psyche. And even if they are expressed to another, others might not be able to help that much (outside of being supportive, showing that insights are valued, and giving ample time and space for Ni insights to form since Ni can sometimes be slow and have its own timeline)

[@VeggieJohnx2]

I’m guessing something along the lines of a mentor or source of inspiration might be beneficial for protecting the candle flame 🕯️ of Ni is beneficial, ultimately helping to develop a trust and confidence in expressing one’s own “inner knowing”.

[@Coneman3]

Also, the lack of each feeling function causes insecurity in the user. This acts to counter too much bias in either form of feeling. If we think of the theoretical ideal being a perfect or even good balance between Fe and Fi, (which never happens in reality), then we are all somewhat unbalanced in our feelings. I think the weakness of Fi is its subjectivity because the user’s subjective values could be poorly aligned with reality. The weakness of Fe is that the communal values may be similarly distorted but the Fe user does have Ti to analyse for objective and logical validity that Te cannot. I think therefore Fe users suffer more themselves while Fi users tend to benefit more themselves for this reason. Hence there is no inherent good/bad to Fi/Fe simply a bias in each case towards that which it is most naturally aligned.

[@harima36]

It’s not that I am out of touch with my emotions or that they are blocked within me but that I have experienced so many betrayals, manipulations, rumor spreaders etc. that I find few instances where I see much use in sharing them. I love people but it has been proven to me that they are often untrustworthy. I love my emotions and feel them deeply but I have come to consider them as part of my personal inner world. I suppose it might make sense to share my emotions in a more ideal world but I come back to the question of ‘why’? Aren’t emotions more like a guidance system like sonar … best used for detecting one’s way through the world energetically? Like the 3rd eye is for ‘seeing that which is not visible’. That is how I have come to view all of the senses… eyes, ears, nose, touch, emotions (feelings), maybe even the mind etc… I consider my higher/finer emotions’ (like the comprehensive love of the all) as experienced in meditation to be beyond words and not in need of expression. I am just thinking out loud here and please excuse that I don’t know MBTI terminology. Like Ramana Maharishi I can see the wisdom of dispensing with all forms of communication and I guess that would include communicating emotions. Silence is a very powerful practice. Anyway just some random thoughts.

[@MeltshineZone]

I do not like Fi. While I have gotten better at articulating myself with my emotions and how something makes me feel in the moment, it does take me some time to process it still. Usually I find my Fi to be very intense and visceral so I have to "break it down" to be palatable to others. I've also come to not really be a huge fan of Fi doms either, due to their decision making really having very little rational a little too often. I say this despite one of my closest friends being an INFP lol I think I remember you saying we do not have the function at all, like even as a shadow stack. But I definitely still feel and have to process those emotions. And yes it does feel very "foreign" once they have materialized in a space. Now I have to process how what I just conveyed has changed the landscape of whatever relationship I just conveyed them to

[@aczikere9949]

I tried getting close to an INFJ. He got angry. I've distanced myself and left him alone, completely ignoring him. He became livid. I don't even know what to do anymore. - INTP

[@kennyutoob]

I'm struggling with 'unsevered' 😅. Is it an essential aspect of this gestalt for full understanding. I feel like I'm almost there but that's throwing me. EDIT: Got it, on a second watch!

[@RensRoom]

Glad you did, thanks for persevering!

[@kennyutoob]

This reminds of a peculiarity of your dialectical style that I often wanted to query when reading your books! However, let me be clear and underline that I'm not certain of the basis of my query. It's just an instinct. Still what would your reaction be if I said ... your incorporation of the concept of existential alienation here appears rather general and undefined. Perhaps so much so that it's abstracted from true pertinence. Simply put, my existential structure isn't your alienation. In fact, there are 8.2 billion unique existential structures in the world today. How then can one deduce existential alienation in anyone's case apart from one's own. I suspect this may point to more of a flaw of stratification rather than a flawed hypothesis. But it's still an issue worth addressing, I'd suggest.