Why My Dismissive Avoidant Ex Keeps Coming Back After A Breakup

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[@wendydaniel1110]

They are living in their own prison of fear whether they are single or in a relationship . They are committed to staying in fear. That's their true partner .

[@lmart16]

This. Bc even if someone they dated were still open to making things work and they knew they were happy there - the DA wouldn't pursue it. They'd rather gamble on unsure things than accept happiness

[@1224polo]

Being with DA in a relationship is mentally exausting. Its like walking on eggs shells. Not worth the hassle. Give them their "space and freedom" by letting them go. Find someone who is emotionally available

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

I was secure until 2 1/2 years of being with a DA. Once the dooamine of the honeymoon phase is over, the flaw finding and personal space and emotional disconnecting starts. Yet they have no problem spending as much time as possible with family and their pets. Literally, arrested development

[@fabmack1961]

I broke No Contact after one month. Of course he hasn't responded. I'm so done, no one is worth losing my dignity for. I will avoid these types of personalities like the plague, i need to be happy too. Never Again!!!

[@leahhoover3546]

I’ve never made a snarky comment on these videos so maybe it’s just a day for me but what I hear is Avoidants demand: 1. Love but not too much! 2. Only positive reactions (again, not too much) 3. Clear communication - in minuscule doses and only if it’s positive! 4. No accountability (don’t bring up any episodes where their attachment deeply hurt you - no grudges) 5. Freedom from the commitments of a partnership at any time! (and no negative reactions from their partners) Basically, don’t let them affect your emotions or life in any way possible and everyone should be “happy” (cause that’s, after all, what they want)

[@AlexisFriedlander]

Hi Leah It's a good summary of someone who's not willing to be secure. And yes it takes 2 to build a couple. If that person despite the love doesn't understand this, he's not the right partner for you.

[@leahhoover3546]

Agreed. Thanks Alexis

[@stephridestheworld]

There's a great technique to not have them effect you negatively- keep them the hell away lol

[@auralionasol2205]

i'll be honest u basically described they want a punching bag....they can hit u but they dont want u to hit back smh

[@julesD0222]

Yes, the message I got from this video is that the anxious needs to work on themselves to be better able to cater to the DA. Nothing was mentioned in the video about the DA having to work on themselves. Either way, the goal of working on yourself should be for your own benefit, not to try to win back a DA. If in the process you reconnect fine, but stay away from DAs who are not putting the work in too. So, in my opinion this is very one sided.

[@Candy_Mountain]

Lol. It’s your “anxiety” to explain… nah, that’s called “normal healthy relationships” especially when they’ve CAUSED an issue that you need to discuss. These DA’s are something else.

[@rdog77]

The more I watch these videos, the more it seems impossible to even being in a basic relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Some of these issues are unsurmountable. At least it would be for one person. How much work does a person have to put in for the bare minimum or bread crumbs from them?

[@Candy_Mountain]

Haha. It is. I was with mine for 5.5 years… they’re hard enough but often have very toxic family bonds too and those family members are hell

[@zengemini7656]

I wasted 4 years with my DA. breadcrumbs and toxic family ties. He keeps coming back no matter what I say or do, even blocked him. It’s mind boggling.

[@Candy_Mountain]

@@zengemini7656 hmmm that sounds like a narcissist 🤔

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yea usually control and enmeshment from family. But they are bound to them (and held down to failure) Not until parents or controlling siblings death will they probably grow. I went through similar so I know how hard it is, especially if they control with money

[@Candy_Mountain]

Yes, I actually realized this after listening to another podcaster psychologist. She specializes in attachment style. She said dismissives are often more honest and that what I was dealing with was dark triad traits with family enmeshment. It was really eye opening because in hindsight he hits about 7-8 covert narc traits out of 10 :(

[@ryk7296]

They basically want to groom you to never lift a finger on them when they hit you hard. Otherwise you'll get stonewalled, silent treatment, devaluation, degrading, disrespect or sometimes passive aggressive behaviors. They want you to become a doormat. Even listening to this guy made me realise that he's not talking about why the DA comes back and instead focusing on how to bow down before a DA accept their pathetic behaviour.

[@blackwidow2679]

Whoa, wait a minute! Refusal to make a commitment to do something together. Waiting to the last minute to make plans to see if a better option came along. Seriously? I can handle the hot/cold behavior and giving a DA the time they need to overcome their fears, but waiting to the last minute because someone or something "better" to do might come along . . . I don't think so. NEXT!

[@ryk7296]

At 11.07 you said, when you have that need to discuss to connect to explain thats your anxiety. Seriously ? Theres a reasonable expectation within a relationship. If my connection or need to discuss a problem is my anxiety than a DA can rot in hell.

[@sally5256]

Yes to All Deactivating Strategies- it’s heartbreaking 💔

[@andreah.6432]

My DA ex keeps coming back finding various reasons, for example take a walk with the dog, go for a coffee, sending funny animals videos... When we meet he acts very distant, no jokes, serious voice, never talks about us, it is like being with a completely different person I knew before. He complains often about how busy he is. We have been living together for 4 years, broken up 7 months and I love him because I know a lot of his issues are coming from his childhood but he has no interest to work on them, probably doesn't know he has these attachment issues. He is 37 and I don't try to change him but I would like us to work on even stronger relationship. However, because he acts like a different person, very distant but keeps coming back I don't know how to be around him. Any video, advice on this? I just copy him, short message reply when he texts first, no talking about us, past or future, however I like to joke and then he smiles but after he goes quiet again. His mum is still in touch with me and still treating me like a family member. Maybe this is the problem that my ex sees me that I'm still there but not in a romantic way. Can he see me in a romantic way again and if so what shift in behaviour do I need to do? I just wrote this story so others can maybe relate to it also. It is this distance, wall he built around him that is so confusing.

[@tlynn609]

U should set boundaries with him & tell him you want to see where things will go again & not stay in the "friend" zone. It could be a all he needs to give him that push. When he sees u setting boundaries & being confident about yourself & your boundaries, they seem to respect that more.

[@TheTejasSoni]

Superb video ! Dot on as if you know my avoidant partner personally thanks for guidance I will definitely act on it - cheers

[@Zen4life-]

LOVED THIS ! My ex has all but 3 of those qualities. I feel better knowing these are normal deactivating strategies and have nothing to do with me personally 🙏 This helps to understand the swinging door in our past relationships.

[@nnthot]

My point of view is that DA are the most dependent people of all. Like the anger is huge mostly. But the knowledge is almost not there (most times)

[@hspinnovators5516]

All unconscious the projection/hatred towards the internal primary figure (projected onto you)😢

[@An_Gha_]

Avoidant have also a big problem with arrogance. Any of you had an avoidant who wasn't arrogant?? I wamt to know if it can exist

[@hspinnovators5516]

You wouldn't believe the ego on my DA😂

[@An_Gha_]

@@hspinnovators5516 update: in these months I discovered he was indeed a covert narcisist. The covert ones often can be initially mistaken as avoidant if one doesn't know exactly about covert narcisism.

[@hspinnovators5516]

@@An_Gha_ What differentiated them for you? My understanding is a covert is a DA who refuses to work on themselves

[@An_Gha_]

@@hspinnovators5516 DA is attachment issue. Narc is a whole personality disorder. Some traits are similar, like avoidance, but for different reasons. Narc is to manipulate you and to keep hidden his promiscuous life, DA just struggle to open up. Narc don't want intimacy at all, DA wants it but can't. Narc is way more severe and they are also dangerous. Narc actively make ways to hurt you in purpose, DA hurts your feeling but not in purpose. DA has difficulty in expressing their feelings, Narc doesn't have feelings. Narc have grandiosity, DA don't.

[@flippinmentalproductions9990]

I love your your videos, partly because you are really lovely

[@oldkingpole876]

I didn't know my ex was an DA until we split up and I was left thinking WTF? She never said shit to me, I just thought she was just cold.

[@ariellethomas-be1qz]

Thanks for the content really helpful. I’ve been in no contact for a week. If my ex is in a rebound relationship and contact me on my birthday, how should I respond?

[@sebbylondon]

What if you were their first relationship and it was incredibly special? Life changing for both of us and I’d had dozens of relationships. All my friends say he’ll never find someone like me or what we had again but he just hasn’t found that out yet

[@adrianstjohn4820]

Good video. She starts argument says we not good together then hour later she is loving. It's so odd. Also we can meet and she is loving then suddenly for faults and argues over nothing then is ok next day. Can't understand why she does this. So odd

[@hspinnovators5516]

Mine did the same. They get so excited to punish and abuse it feels. Like they love they can abuse you. Mixed signals on crack

[@francas277]

He is coming back and almost spamming me being cute and flirty but I don't really feel like we're in the place to get back yet. I don't know what to tell him. Don't want to give him the cold shoulder but don't want to bring the conflict up either

[@hspinnovators5516]

How long after the breakup?

[@ryk7296]

This video should have been about why the DA is coming back and not about how to become a punching bag or a doormat for a DA. Totally misleading.

[@wendydavid9076]

No logic either , they say their going shopping and don’t go etc with appointments too , crazy behaviour 🙄

[@babbahummus]

Hey Alexis. I hope you will read this and can give me answer, it would mean a lot to have you perspective on it. Based on the fact that I was his first girlfriend by the age of 25, he had never had a connection with anyone like this before. I am the only person so far, he has ever been so intimate with, the first time he truly fell in love. We were together for three years. He is a total DA and broke up with me. Been in no contact now for three weeks, but I initially begged. Do you have any experience with DAs and their first girlfriends? He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I am trying to focus on myself but I am feeling very hopeless.

[@elizabethtorrez9232]

So why does he come back?

[@fkaceng]

How do I deal a DA ex who owes me money? They want to be DAs its fine, but how do I get back my money after the break and deactivation?

[@readesiun988]

Good luck with that one

[@wendydavid9076]

Their taking the piss out of your life , one way nothingness

[@starbucks2101]

Whenever i try to bring something up she always told me to find someone else.

[@AngiePyott]

He literally said 2/3 of those reasons 😂. By now I think he will have deactivated his attachment for the easier path. Do they ever reactivate though? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@stephridestheworld]

Yup. When they're lonely, don't currently have anyone else buying their BS and need a quick validation fix. 😆

[@damalewis9277]

@@stephridestheworld Yep, Then they are off again.

[@Swiss_Girl]

my DA came back 2.5 month of no contact.

[@sushisam3010]

why keeping score is bad?

[@jlady1595]

My ex did all of these at the end

[@onehunned_]

Alex, if my DA ex text me random things once in a while like meme or music, I respond within hours. But then they don’t respond for like a week or so. Should I also wait days or weeks before responding ?

[@madlen3015]

Yes because he/she only wants to know if u are still interested. Go no contact for a while

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

DA is keeping you on the shelf, no contact forever

[@An_Gha_]

It doesn't make any difference the text and you can even die. They will not move a finger.

[@rosylove389]

Don't validate them, silence is best always

[@hawtain4399]

What if you’re the dumper not the DA??

[@An_Gha_]

Same thing I guess... They just function in that way no matter what.. they are severely sick.

[@alexv5786]

What if not for 3 years?

[@An_Gha_]

Forget them!! They never existed. Alike their heart.

[@iceriddim]

L'accent français

[@JackMT86]

Stop smacking your lips

[@AlexisFriedlander]

I invested in a new mic! It does annoy me too. Sorry about that.

[@uniquedavenport]

😂