4 Signs An Avoidant Wants To Reconnect With You (And What To Do When They Want To Get Back Together)

In this video, I cover the 4 common signs when an avoidant wants to reconnect with you and possibly get back together after a breakup.
Chapters:
00:00 Intro
00:56 Disclaimer
01:38 Sign 1: They start appearing on your social media
05:04 Sign 2: They increasingly engage with you/your social media
07:13 Sign 3: They ask to catch up
11:04 Sign 4: They actually meet up with you in person
14:39 What to do when they want to get back together
22:42 What to do if you're in no contact right now
23:15 What avoidants feel during no contact
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[@spiritwanderer777]

honestly the amount of walking on eggshells and handholding and careful planning when approaching these avoidants is ridiculous. i just realized I don't want it anymore. way too much work for little to no return

[@DeeDREAM518]

Exactly and that is growth 🎉

[@dinahwestallen]

It really isn't worth it. A lot of these avoidants will just end up alone. I'm an avoidant myself but actively working on it and can spot when I'm behaving a certain way. Nobody is worth this much trouble

[@spiritwanderer777]

@@dinahwestallen this means a lot to me coming from someone who identifies as an avoidant. It's very validating that I made the right choice. Thank you and wish you good luck in your own self-work. The parents of my ex are both avoidants so they made it work, but they are practically roommates, I would hate that.

[@Mooncookie954]

The author is right when he says this doesn’t mean the person wants to connect emotionally.

[@Mooncookie954]

@@spiritwanderer777Thanks for speaking up. I know DAs get dumped on a lot.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Bottom line....they are way too much work, the "mental agony and torment is not worth it.....Go to therapy or seek counseling to get over them..Life is too short. Treat yourself to a secure , mentally healthy connection ❤

[@quenuk]

¨It is naive to think people will be in your life forever¨. Thank you for reminding me of this so that I can be more mindful of making the best of the time I have with someone while we´re sharing our lives together.

[@chris51385]

That’s not the same as saying don’t have that goal for forever going into the relationship. But things can change and we should be open to it

[@MiloSatori]

To me, the most people I avoid, the less problems I’ll have.

[@museoflove8255]

You need therapy

[@euniceyanez7835]

he can continue to live a life of being avoidant and i don't give a d@mn anymore. I chose to heal and do the necessary work to make sure that i continue to live a very blessed, productive, meaningful and abundant life! we only get to live once, as we often say, and i CHOSE to live my best life yet and have meaningful, solid, wonderful relationships. I am blessed that I have a wonderful family and lonnnnnnnnng time friends. ;) I pity these kind of people who choose to stay "stuck", not heal and get uncomfortable even with rejection...

[@Rozie32]

This is very hard work, I can’t take it 😂, exhausted

[@amarchelk]

Yeah... 24 years off and on is lonnnnnng enough. I no longer respond in any way and "just being friends" is very lame.

[@brandondunn8255]

It’s wild that most of the comments are basically “yea, getting back together is a bad idea”. I agree with them but good luck if you want to get back with your ex. Be strong.

[@user-il5yj1jv7o]

I think most people who are watching are hopeful and trying to understand, so I find those comments confusing

[@PB-md3nt]

I want nothing more in the world than for my DA ex to come back to me, with a NORMAL relationship. I know we would have a fantastic life together, and I would give her the world. Sadly she knows all this, but is her own worst enemy when it comes regards to getting close to someone. She's going to be a lonely old woman.

[@chris51385]

Yea the comments on any of these posts are overwhelmingly discouraging and feel more like victim support groups lol

[@chris51385]

@@user-il5yj1jv7oI agree and have the same confusion. A lot of the time it doesn’t work out and a lot of the time it does. I’ve had it happen both ways. Second time has definitely been the charm for me before so it’s definitely not unreasonable to hope for. I think a lot of people use the comments section to vent their pain.

[@jailayagan1605]

My case with my avoidant is different. I always see growth each time we meet again. And, it is not that we want to meet again each time. Life brings us together after every separation. And in each coming together again , there is no pain nor grudge whatsoever which i find amazing. Just at the beginning of this year, when i saw him again, his eyes and gaze was soo full of love. After that, wr couldnt hold back from the magnetic pull. We spent time together like nothing went wrong, were talking so much about personal and spiritual growth, which pretty much is like a continuation of our previous thing. Days and weeks went like heaven until. We though we wont get triggered again but we did.. again , he pulled away, i got triggered myself. Then it got escalated when he got jealous about my friend and started indirectly attacking the friend until he has now disappeared.. i know he is gonna surface when he is okay again. This time i dont feel attached anymore. He comes to my life to teach me things and so am i. He has become a part of myself and my life like my own flesh and blood because he is the only person i can connect too deep with. And imma love him unconditionally, without need. My life is okay without him. People around me do care and love me and so i dont solely depend on what he does.

[@MariaGarcia-cy2jv]

Wow, this is exactly my case. You are an amazing person, and I know for a fact he always thinks of you. If you believe in signs. You will see him in your dreams and can sense when he's calling you. Not many people understand this, but it's a gift and a curse anyone can experience. I feel like I will end up with him in a different life time but for now we just push and pull each other and everytime we see each other we see each other grow more and more into adults and it's just beautiful. I've dated him at age 18 up until I was 29. We still come back to each other. Each time, it feels like we are time traveling through life and just visiting each other along the way. The connection is deep but yet so far, and I hope one day he recognizes this avoidant style and reaches out to stay. But in the meantime, I am going on with my life and doing what's best for myself. ❤

[@claudinemontreuil747]

He might be struggling with king of desorder take him back if u want don’t expect nothing!!! I’ve been in this kind of situation before.

[@nipitinthebud4343]

I much feel with your words. I have a dear friend since like soon 6 years, who always seemed more like my nemesis. We are so different, had years of more fights and NC, than talk and harmony. But we came back together against all odds. Both try to work things out. There is frustration once a while, but I see him try hard. He respects my needs as much as he can (from reading messages daily, which he didn't first, showing up realiably when we agreed to it, even if in deactivation,and if he has to get drunk for it (which led to a big clash then anyway but he then was so super present to make up for me feeling upset, that I really just adored him. Now we are in NC, but I saw him struggle to leave this time. But the situation was just too toxic, both too triggered, so it was the right choice for both to calm down, keep distance. And i really can't be mad if he leaves with not just a "good luck" as in the past, with me then months trying to get him again to unblock me, but with a sweet message, giving me an exact date for when I will be unblocked. And this is something I had asked him, to not suffer too much with anxiety flares for not knowing if he will be back at all. And I am annoyed by the silent, but i know he will keep this promise on that day. He won't just stay away. And that's why I am OK to put up with his trigger moments (I am not perfect either). Because through all the mess we went through, he, even if only partially conscious of his attachment being a self sabotage risk (he refuses to look into it), I notice he takes my message to heart. Thinks them through. Tries to reassure me, when things go wrong by accident. And I am so proud that we managed nearly an entire year now with barely blocking each other (and if we did it was just a day).. And only now it was like a strong need to detach a few weeks. Let's see how it will be after he comes back again. Hopefully we manage to find a good way to continue. So yes, I can't describe why we keep doing that push and pull, on off.. But there is just a strange, deep, unconditional bond. And this bond endured so many conflicts, that everyone around us had given up on the idea we could ever trust in each other and stick together. But here we are. Returning to each other always. 😅 I once asked him why he put up with all that... He mentioned my perseverance at impressing him. I guess it is reassuring to him to know, that whatever happens, however harsh our words during fights, there is no grudge. Just acceptance of things and comprehension, and taking joy in the small things that work out well or we manage to overcome.

[@eugerobles]

@@MariaGarcia-cy2jv I have something along the lines as well. I tis weird. I have hold grudges but then I understood my flaws. He always reached out. I always disappeared. Cero contact for months for me. But when we return, there is growth. I do not know If we should go back together. I feel it can be mostly painful for me. But we have had so many signs, as if life would be putting us together again. Not sure why, but it so happens. I am just observing. I think I have gotten to know this person at his worst, I do not expect anything and I do not get that triggered anymore. And on my side. I have learned to live life on my own. I have healed or went to a more secure attachment style. I have dated (still am) other guys, and have learned to appreciate other types of love. But it seems as if this one person, would have something he still needs to learn from me. So I let him orbitate for now, with compassion. I feel happy to have healed this. I am also happy to be able to decide to leave when I sense it is not safe.

[@replaygeorge]

Getting back with the dismissive avoidant is totally a bad idea, unless you explain your dealbreakers and agree that taking space or other DA BS behaviour is going to be communicated and defined in time (like I need some me time this weekend etc). If the DA can't agree to these, which is likely, since they are so independent and might feel trapped by these boundaries, the relationship can't be healthy. After many years I realized how anxious I became due to DA behaviour, like lovebombing followed by breadcrumbing or ghosting, and most of all, their lack of accountability regarding their actions hurts even more when trying to get back. It is very painful long term, because as you learn and try to improve, you start seeing all the unhealthy cycles, and want to break them, to help your significant other as well, DA's most of the time behave like "I'm fine, you have a problem not me, maybe you need some space too" lol. They should be marooned on an empty island.

[@cestchou]

Agree, they seem to need to always tell themselves “I’m fine. I don’t have any problems. Everything with my life is great”

[@jessicamenchaca4970]

Did this DA know they need healing ? Like know this exist ? I been searching for my own self healing but probably all of them don't even think they have traumas begging to be healed. Idk just my opinion 😅

[@darrellblake3955]

The issue with the dismissive avoidant in relationships is that you always have to parent and coddle them like children. No... grow tf up or stay single. We used to call this childish behavior now we've named it "dismissive avoidant."

[@laurag7530]

​@@jessicamenchaca4970yeah we know. We feel incapable but we know.

[@jessicamenchaca4970]

@laurag7530 🫶 I know one and I'm very drawn to him but I don't know how to mention any of this. I didn't know till recently and would hate to make him think I'm saying something negative about him.

[@Ryuhayabusa.7]

My ex broke up with me 2 days ago in anger and overwhelmed. She reached out just now and said “I don’t want to lose you, I want to fix this” I told her I needed some time to think so she said “I’ll talk to you in 2 weeks if you want”. I think it’s interesting how she took what I said as rejection and is now playing hard to get.

[@joyjamie]

I'd translate that as a rejection too tbh. If you want someone,you don't need time to "think" most women thinks like that😊

[@Ryuhayabusa.7]

@@joyjamie I’m glad she takes that as rejection, because if she really was afraid of losing me she wouldn’t have yelled at me, tore me down, and broken up with me and tried to reconcile a day later. I don’t feel bad for her. She made her bed.

[@basharalbutseggs8056]

@@Ryuhayabusa.7did you guys ever end up speaking again?

[@scottdavies256]

Charlie, I love your content, it's so illuminating- thank you! Dealing with an avoidant feels like dealing with a high school girlfriend. Me, an ADULT, doesn't have the time or the patience anymore to entertain this type of emotional immaturity. Also, "sharing whats on your mind and being direct" isn't being anxious haha, on the contrary, it's SECURE and mature. Anyways, thank you for putting yourself out there, I really respect that my man! Take care:)

[@Kv-pk2st]

Well said. Ive been in a similar situation. ABSOLUTELY exhausting

[@fabandtherice]

Smh I will never date an avoidant again. They don‘t deserve the unconditional love every anxious attacher of us want to give and return. They simply just don‘t deserve us. Better wait for a fitting anxious attacher come into my life.

[@jenniferldohn]

Secure ones too

[@ashton1952]

The reality is romantic love is not unconditional; otherwise

[@Cre8Fire34]

Jesus...this sounds like drudgery & endless work.

[@cassandratarotspells369]

It is, and you end up with a big fat nothing in return. So not worth it

[@user-nw6jx1eo3x]

Walking on eggshells 24/7

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Thank you for your honesty and transparency, it's refreshing.

[@idalisap3553]

My FA reached out 3 times after 6 months of NC. He is breadcrumbing me. I’m not thinking about getting back. When he texts I respond but I don’t give any more than what he gives. And I haven’t looked for him since he reached out just letting him contact me. It’s like I care but I’m not going to let him play me again. Next time he reaches out I plan on ignoring him and if he texts again just going to ask “what do you want” ✌🏼

[@Gbb93]

Good. You must keep all the control in your hands. These people literally just want control, they dgaf about love.

[@MdShamim__]

May you heal from the trauma you been through 🤎

[@jimmycash3171]

Your contents are very helpful. Thanks 👍

[@BellaSoulJourney]

Great insight and a very wise avoidance/fearful transformed person! Thank you for bringing this positivity

[@healingwithcharlie]

Thank you! I appreciate that :)

[@user-wv2ce3wd4c]

Thank you! Your channel is a great find! I love the way you spell it out, but are empathetic. Thank you for being realistic & sharing your story as well

[@differentyetsame]

Fabulous content 👌 thank you

[@Orquet-qj2nf]

This sounds exhausting. I rather be single. If anyone wants to date me, they can get their stuff together first.

[@user-wv2ce3wd4c]

🙌🏾 THANK YOU FOR THIS 🙌🏾

[@ashton1952]

Very clear explanation of what to do, when and if. The emphasis on boundaries, so important to know these. Thank you for this video

[@healingwithcharlie]

Thanks for your comment! I hope they were helpful :)

[@denimspear]

I'm currently in the no contact phase of a break up with what looks like an avoidant and can't see why I would ever want to go back with him. It was exhausting and draining. It seems to have had a typical ending being suddenly discarded, which for me is very painful as it hard to see you were/are of no value.

[@rosiechic5590]

Is there ever a good time to bring up what went wrong ? I just feel avoidant people like to sweep things under the carpet a lot . Nothing ever changes or gets better ...

[@healingwithcharlie]

I've two views on this. 1) The best time for you is when it feels right for you. As long as you're communicating for your needs and boundaries then that is always the best time. 2) If they're reconnecting with you, and you're both starting to talk about getting back together, then it's the right time to talk about what went wrong in the last relationship. There is no perfect time and we can only control how we react, not how others perceive what we share with them in the process

[@el_meanderer]

Great vídeo.

[@Startpixie12]

Thanks for a great video❤What about a “ happy birthday “ message after 10 months of complete no contact ?

[@healingwithcharlie]

10 months is decent amount of time during no contact. I recommend keeping it short, brief and casual if you do 👍

[@johnsmith1034]

Don’t respond to breadcrumbs

[@ilinho4554]

Your videos are very soothing to watch, thank you for putting them out into the world. :)

[@debchevalier4660]

People misinterpret texting feelings within texts I feel

[@kirstinkeagy3711]

He went on vacation and bought me a really thoughtful gift. He was trying so hard to make it so casual but I could tell he was nervous. I thanked him but he walked away saying “take care”. It was so confusing…

[@salvomig2368]

They fear being vulnerable. If they think you’re going to reject them, they won’t try out fear of being rejected. All up to you on how much you wanna nudge him. Ask to meet up for coffee, something casual. Or move on.

[@makima1960]

It’s been a day after the break up, I’m hurt but also I cannot bring myself to cry. I left one last message for him before I go no contact.

[@ShannonBruwer]

That was wonderful advise The big question how would we treat the next break up should it happen, and how to proceed if it does happen, excellent advise,

[@MoloSaidu]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.

[@kanereall]

I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.

[@MoloSaidu]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@kanereall]

Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@MoloSaidu]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@a.d.b535]

FA reached out 13 days after the break up to say they were thinking about me a lot but I need to chill. I said we couldve easily worked out the issues, but they quickly replacex me and showed me the door, however, I was open to discuss and they need to think about what they want and what matters. If I don't hear back, fine. I'm already on my healing journey and feeling much better already. I'm resilient.

[@sofook3576]

I dated this guy (I presume FA) for 2 months: I wanted to go slow but he pushed me to open up and be myself quickly; I really liked him but it was difficult to trust him and open up due to his hot/cold behaviour (one moment talkative/loving and the next introverted/cold). The day I told him I was ready to be my self and open up, because I thought he was worth it, he chose to break up out of the blu. He said that he liked me but not enough, and that he couldn't imagine a relationship with me, without giving me other explainations. He was crying, and hugged me really tight, I saw he was in pain. At he moment I couldn't understand what was happening, he was choosing to give up on me, taking me away the opportunity to express myself with him. Now I understand that he was projecting on me his inability to open up, and therefore he was pushing my boundaries . Trying to give myself an explaination, I have discovered this attachment style, and it hurts a lot knowing his action are based on a trauma response. I wanted to be the person who showed him that he could be seen, heard and loved unconditionally.

[@alaalfa8839]

A time management style person may be much less avoidant with his independent hobbies, and make time for everything. But a time management person also can not be too obsessed with time, because time is partially an illusion when it comes to Quantum physics.... but use intuition to enjoy hobbies and partnerships as long as possible....especially removing bad habits., like watching too much tv etc.

[@Marlin-mn9xe]

I always believe Who does it once That's it twice Hell no 😔

[@hamzael2200]

Thanks Charlie! I have listened to many of your videos about avoidant ex and it seems like there is a high chance that they always come back. I’m stuck with this idea for about 2 months now, feeling like I'm waiting for her and subconsciouly hesitant to move on. I'm unsure how to proceed, as I don't want her to come back while I'm in the process of building something new. I believe our relationship had great potential, specially because she struggled alot to end it, i remember the day she called me to tell me that she wants the breakup, she was heartbroken, and I could hear the pain in her voice, see it in her actions, and witness it in her eyes. And just two days prior, she was full with love, she even shed tears of affection, We were genuinely in love with each other and shared many wonderful moments. Everything fell into place when I discovered her avoidant attachment style. However, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m still unsure about what to do next. It’s easy to say, “just live your life and move on,” but when you’ve only had great moments with that person and know she might return, it becomes incredibly difficult to embark on a new adventure and forget about her

[@creatureofstyle]

I felt the same way 2, 3, 4 months in, but then I decided it was time to move on. It's been 11 months now and he still hasn't reached back out so I'm glad I didn't wait around for him. I have a great boyfriend now that is very caring, communicative, and attentive. If I had kept waiting I would have missed out on that! The description of your relationship was exactly like mine. We had connection and chemistry like I've never experienced before, I know he felt the same and that scared him. We were friends for 4 years prior to dating. I truly believe he will come back some day, but it wouldn't have been fair to myself to keep waiting on a ghost. You can't control other people, so first and foremost do what's best for you. Holding on to pain and hoping for something that may never happen is not what's best for your mental health!

[@PhillipKopp]

Im in the exact same position. Literally. 😮

[@hamzael2200]

Stay resilient; we will overcome it.@@PhillipKopp

[@hamzael2200]

This "If I had kept waiting I would have missed out on that!" hits really hard, Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. I will definitely adopt this perspective, and as u said, it wouldn't be fair to myself to keep waiting on a ghost. Once again, thank you so much.@@creatureofstyle

[@hamzael2200]

Stay resilient, we will overcome this.@@PhillipKopp

[@EternalLove.1111]

Thank you, this is helpful as I have been on off with an avoidant 1.8yrs....I am trying to be patient and haven't had the talk as I don't know if I want to commit 2 him as he is a DA and I am AP more secure.

[@gogohappygirl]

Question is, how to transition from keeping things "light" to having the conversation re: whether or not to try again as a couple. My ex DA & I (FA) have been reconnecting over the past six months. My DA reached out for Xmas, New Year's AND Valentine's, and we've hung out a number of times, so I'm debating whether or not to finally broach the subject of whether or not they want to try again, and how to bring up the topic without triggering either of us or putting any pressure on the situation. So far, i've been really good about giving my DA space, etc...

[@Smalltummywonderful]

I am a fearful anxious type of avoidant plus people-pleaser, and when things get tough I pull away. My other attachment style is that I am secure, but also insecure.

[@jenniferldohn]

Dysregulated ?

[@ultravioletcatastrophe]

i still don't get what they are so fking afraid of. like, if you are initiating contact with me, then obviously you want something to do with me specifically. there's a million other people to talk to if you're just bored. so why do they decide i'm suddenly worthless again and run away at the first sign that i still care for them as if someone caring for them is the most terrifying prospect there is?

[@BruceJC75]

So it’s basically like you can just except mixed messages for the rest of your life lol.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

AMEN!!! Run, run, RUN, folks!!

[@khushiprabhudessai9760]

What if anxious attachment person marry new person 😌 and permanently block the avoidant

[@lohmag]

So what questions and topics should be raised when ex will reach you and want to meet up again? Could you provide a list if ipossible, I didn't get it from the video.

[@mrpotterandrew]

i only watch these kind of videos so i don't allow my ex avoidant to weasel her toxic and selfish way back into my life

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

AMEN!!!!

[@megansleeman7859]

Okay, so I was dating an avoidant for a couple months. I was putting all of my energy into them and I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO PLAN/ASK HER ON DATES! She never once asked me out. I remember she told me “I’m just following your lead darling” I should’ve known then…😅

[@denimspear]

How could you ever trust that they won't just disappear again. My avoidant has lovely qualities but even if asked he'd deny there was any concerns. I think he had checked out before leaving, rather pushing me to tell him to go, and set himself up with a 'friend' who he now lives with and where his needs (for now) are being met.

[@JPCNT]

@healingwithcharlie, can an avoiant post stories with photos of his actual partner ( not photos with her but photos of her) if he had never done that before with nobody else?

[@englishapplications6323]

Yes, I also wanna know that. How genuine is that?

[@Thehayzebrand]

As an Avoidant, I can say we don't want to control you. We hide because we were taught that when storms (emotional) come that it's safer to be inside that in the rain. And when the anxious party doesn't explain logically how being in the rain can be beneficial for us, not just because they want to enjoy the rain or need to feel it. We need explanations we can understand logically. What typically happens in my experience is the Anxious partner, feels like I am invalidating their experience because of my inability to create logic out of the experience, and that is not my intention. I am trying to help in the way I know how. But to them, the feeling of the "storm/being in the rain" is more important than what may have actually happened. I acknowledge it's not my decision to decide how much something should bother someone else. And at the same time it can be incredibly uncomfortable for me to sit in the storm for prolonged periods, especially with no explanation or communication to how long the storm might last. I usually am just asking, can we have the conversation inside and as a compromise maybe under an umbrella? Because we are getting sick staying outside in this rain.

[@Thehayzebrand]

But actually yes I am healing the hiding and seeing things for what they are. The answer is yes, an avoidant can and will post their partner if they don't feel accused but rather invited to do so. Genuine encouragement goes a long way for a dismissive. Our core wound is that no one cares about us because they don't have the time. I

[@cosmicmystic1111]

Charlie, what would you recommend in this situation: its only been a couple of weeks since we began our no contact. Her birthday is next week and i have a gift i wanted to mail to her. Would you suggest NOT sending the gift? I'm uncertain on how to handle this situation.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Depends on how things ended and the reasons for no contact. If the other person said they don't want any contact, or anything to do with you then I'd refrain out of respect for their boundaries. If things ended somewhat amicably, and you just need space to think then you can still send the gift, perhaps with a note that reiterates it's not an attempt to get them back, but that you wanted them to have the gift given the timing of the situation. Otherwise, you could always return the gift and put that money toward something for yourself if giving it doesn't feel right

[@tamsparris-bah8283]

If the avoidance ex comes back, it's because they want to see if they still have access to you. You can only have a healthy relationship with them if they are intentional about wanting a relationship with you and are willing to work on whatever trauma that made them that way in the first place.

[@markandoyo2204]

Diplomacy; Me as myself also cannot thinking as of these time from my 4years relief from being subjected as a Avoidant PD as of many days and ways wasting my innocence as of today from 4years ago I kept the pace being "Passive" on its realistic timetable although my passive metaphysics have some signs rewarding whilst the terms of Adversity host were still at the potential hostile dispersity

[@pdubs1408]

heres a fun one. a ex who dumps you, asks to be friends and doesnt block your methods of communication. Overthinking on my end or someone who isnt even sure about the break up?

[@Gbb93]

Avoidants (if they broke up w you) are generally more open to friendship because they don’t harbor ill feelings

[@Gbb93]

Is re-adding an ex usually a sign or does it just coincide with watching stories? Because watching stories, to me, just means they’re curious or care about you.

[@GodHelpMe369]

At the beginning of last year (2023/February 13th), the man whom I revered as my best friend, abandoned and betrayed me. In an instant, just like that, out of the blue... He discarded and replaced me. I guess it wasn't real friendship. I'd like to say it must have been love... But really, it must have been a trauma bond. It's been over a year, and I'm still healing... Bottom line is, being mean and abusive is being mean and abusive. (He ALWAYS had to approve the conversations we had. If he didn't, he would say: "that's too heavy for me to talk about". Or, "I'm too tired/busy to have that discussion".💗)

[@lemmesay]

Whoah, you dodget a bullet if may I say a grenade. Phew, what an asshole. Damn. Well, hope this taught you some healthy boundaries.

[@Gbb93]

Seems healthy to say he doesn’t want to have those conversations. He was your friend, not your lover. He probably could sense that you loved him, and he didn’t feel the same way. However, there is the chance he did and was scared of commitment.

[@jelenashome1725]

Dearh Charlie, please respond! My avoidant ex added me on his close friend list story now! Should I like if he adds something to it again? To give him a little sign I am here and he can reach out or do I stay silent? He's been breadcrumbing for a while, he added a sad song on his story, and also a heart on my story.

[@healingwithcharlie]

If you’re looking to reconnect with him and are okay with doing it slow then I’d say this is a good start and a positive sign. I’d keep it casual to liking memes/replying or reacting, and try sharing some of your own to gauge his reaction then go from there :)

[@dyllan890]

Having reached out during no contact twice now I don’t think we will be getting back together. My hope is just to repair our relationship and become good friends with one another. Supportive of one our dreams and goals. Nothing more because as an anxious attachment I can’t live with regrets or the what if’s. I know it’s over. I’ve had a DA long time before this ex who came back right at the moment I was moving on. He sent a long message and ruined everything I was beginning with my new prospective partner. Hoping history doesn’t repeat itself

[@keysflying4787]

I’m afraid this is what just happened to me. Inadvertently I started no contact (hadn’t seen any of these videos) and met someone new, who seemed like a very good fit. Then bang! One day I was saying how I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get my ex off my mind and 15 minutes later I get a text from her. Long story but without having the understanding I do now, I jumped and dumped the new girl. My ex then pulled away, saying she wanted to be friends and now I see the DA behavior. Had I known I would not have jumped and dumped.

[@debchevalier4660]

How can you tell if he has resentment ? If he doesn't voice or text his feelings of ?

[@chris51385]

What if you don’t have any social media or at least not a public one and never followed each other? There’s no way for either of us to spy or dip a toe with passive contact in this way.

[@debchevalier4660]

He's read texts and wries replies why he answers question with a question of possibility? HE was one who walked away I've tried to message him he reads responses sometimes but always answers with a question of questioning his own answers ?

[@Dada6x]

we had an argument then we split up then i tried to talk a little she didnt seem to mind that but shes wasnt happy tho , i tried no contact , now shes ignoring me

[@darlenecooper9713]

My ex blocked me. Should I block him back during no contact?

[@xxxenaaa1993]

What if I just want my stuff back from their apartment ? Got dumped Sunday don’t wanna let my stuff get thrown out - plus I don’t want the rebound using it

[@Gbb93]

Tell them to mail it to you and you’ll reimburse the postage.

[@khushiprabhudessai9760]

What if i block from all social media 😌😌and don't give any. chance to do shit to avoidant

[@Celinekkk95]

5 months of no contact. He didn’t block me anywhere but doesn’t look at my stories either. Not that I post too much at all. But yeah.

[@ramses962]

I had completely given up on the avoidant person, for obvious reasons. Life was nice, boring but nice. But then years later since the last contact, they call me and don't leave a message and then call again a few weeks later to only let it ring once. Is this considered indirect contact? So many years have past that I don't know what to make of it. lol Any thoughts?

[@Greentea4591]

My never fully disconnected from me so I don’t know now if his messages to me are a want to reconnect more? He dumped me a year and a half ago. 2 months ago I asked him to stop contacting me unless its important or he wants to work on our relationship and he said ok and went silent for a month, but he is now sending me breadcrumb messages weekly. Is he trying to reconnect? I ignored his first few messages but I replied to the last one because it was a semi important question. I just sent the answer and didn’t engage more. He said a bit more but I didn’t reply. It he really wanted to reconnect I think he would ask to see me or talk in person right?

[@napfinap945]

I got ghosted by my Fearful Avoidant ex after i called her selfish for asking me to come over to her being drunk a night. After the 5 th breakup from her side even though we agreed that it will be the final breakup. I guess she wanted to see if she can still get me to come over or have control over me. They cant take criticism even though she said its selfish herself. At least she was very reflected on her behaviour. You can only keep them if you dont care if they leave you or not, they feel its not affecting or hurting you - IT means you are strong enough to handle them. Still they take too much energy to be with in the long run. They cant give you what you need but you have to give them a looot. Its a balance game between caring too much and not enough they are going to blame you for it either way. You have to be an incredibly strong and emotionally stable person to have a healthy longterm realtionship with a FA - (im Anxious Attached type) - When dating this is one of my first questions regarding their attachment style

[@stangchicc]

What if neither has social media ?

[@xxxenaaa1993]

Omg THIS

[@catwesk]

I have a dismissive avoidant ex "friend" who's been skulking around my job and I'm only researching any of this for the sake of finding the nicest, most wholesome way of telling her to fuck off, go to hell, perish, so on an so forth. She rots everything she touches and I want no parts. All I want from her is silence and solitude. Her absence is the very best she has to offer me, but UNFORTUNATELY for some reason the internet is obsessed to get back with avoidant people??? (Like ew for what???) Other than actually caring about them, how do you repel dismissive avoidants????

[@brandonharris9160]

Damn is that an ESP Exlporer in the back?

[@healingwithcharlie]

Yessir! 👍

[@southbank1973]

Does unblocking actually a sign ? She unblocked after 3 months, changed her profile picture 3 days after but no actual reach out. It’s a been a month I have been unblocked

[@SideHustleHive123]

What should I do if my ex wife kind of goes hot and cold. When we were in no contact, I’m not sure they even like much she likes to check in on me(but nothing more super avoidant). But we came out of a small no contact period that was kind of planned everything was very casual but she was very happy and enthusiastic to hear from me started to send me memes and somewhat connect with me. One night after she called me I sent a bit of a deeper than surface level message. She messaged me in the middle of the night and said she’s hurting. Talked to me all night and said her guard is down and to talk with her about anything. She 100% still has feelings for me tried to connect all night on a deep and even somewhat flirtatious level. But the next day she said she got carried away with her emotions and took it too far. Now it’s back to being avoidant, however she acknowledges she wants to have deep conversations with me but to take it slow. Should I just kind of leave the ball in her court? If I don’t reach out she will just stay busy and suppress everything. Admittedly she says she can just force her self not to think about anything and stay busy. But when she lets herself feel it it’s always been positive towards me.

[@joyjamie]

Can 2 ppl with avoidance traits be together? Im avoidant and i can see similar things on my ex,which makes it super difficult to get back together, while its so clear we both dying for that

[@healingwithcharlie]

They can! My next video will explain the different attachment styles in relationship with avoidants and I’ll be covering avoidant-avoidant relationships so stay tuned :)

[@joyjamie]

@@healingwithcharlie wow thank you for that 🤍

[@roxxaneritz9233]

What does it mean when an avoidant blocked you partialy , not everywhere. For example , in my on and off relationship with my dismissive avoidant, he would block me only on whatssap , but not on telegram. I mean he never blocked me everywhere , he always left a "door" open. Why would he do that ? Confusing AF .

[@Gbb93]

Cause he wants you to boost his ego by contacting him.

[@iamtyleek_8911]

I spoke to meet up with my ex two days ago. We broke up 3 months ago. He wanted me to get the closure I need so he can get space, since he knew it was alot eating me up that I wanted to talk about. He told me that he’s still healing from the relationship, n that he dont want a relationship with me, because I broke his trust. The day of our breakup up we got into a argument and im usually not the type to get mad easily over stuff but my emotions were just out in I didn’t have a outlet so I texted him some hurtful things for him to understand my hurt. I regret it n didn’t really mean the things I said but he still holds onto it. We ended up sleeping together that night. N he wanted to record a video of us for himself which was weird if u don’t want any reminder of me. He told me that he was going to block and delete my number when he left that night cause I kept asking him why not just do it if u don’t want to hear from me. I sent a little text the next day in it went through then I unsent it. He hasn’t blocked my number which was strange. I’m confuse on this situation

[@genacat4599]

I wouldn't of had let the person record and save a video of myself. That's just a way to have memories and not care anymore. Wich is weird.

[@Relle.]

Never let a man record you being intimate with him. That man is gonna come back when he wants to make another video. Stop doing this. He could be selling the videos. He knows you’re desperate and will play off it.

[@iamtyleek_8911]

@@Relle. Hey, Thank you for the info. he deleted the video. We’re kinda back on good terms he said he still figuring out his emotions and it’s been 4 months. So I’ll see how that goes

[@Relle.]

@@iamtyleek_8911 no worries. Best of luck ✨

[@kyokosgarden3779]

I deleted my last comment about bpd on your last vid. But I feel as if being avoidant could factor in bpd behavior. Correct me if I’m wrong?

[@healingwithcharlie]

Correct! Some people with BPD have avoidant personality disorder or dismissive avoidant attachment/fearful avoidant attachment. Although not always, it’s common for a lot of people with BPD

[@kyokosgarden3779]

@@healingwithcharlie it’s so unfortunate. I have worked in mental health and it’s sad how much people have bpd these days along with npd and other serious disorders. But I hope people don’t look at these people and run away cuz they are just as human as we are.

[@staciecook5217]

So block them lol

[@KristenConahan]

He doesn't have social media. He contacted me but I wasn't sure if he just wanted to hook up so I snapped on it :( He went cold for a year but still wanted to make out one night instead of talking and so I was DONE. 4 months later he showed up :/ We had a sincere love but because of cultural difference he had to let me go bc I wanted marriage :(

[@genacat4599]

Has anyone ever blocked their avoident partner. Hes the one that broke up with me and he keeps just staring at my content. Wich is weird since he wants nothing to do with me.

[@melissa3986]

How do you know he’s staring at your content? Is there a settings where you can see this on social media? 😂

[@samo.5546]

Yes, I blocked him because I got tired of the mind games. It's been such a relief. Out of sight & out of mind!

[@genacat4599]

@@samo.5546 just blocked him too. I feel better already.

[@Fairgreentube]

Dismissive and fearful avoidant, attachment, personality, styles both have a fear of commitment that they showed through their actions. The fearful avoidant attachment, personality style also has the fear of abandonment that they show through their actions. The dismissive avoidant attachment, personality style does have that fear of abandonment, but they are not going to show it through their actions. It’s more like an underlying fear of abandonment, so they keep it under wraps. They basically keep it private from public knowledge, but it is there. They suppress that fear, especially if they preoccupied, anxious attachment, personality style, pressures them. They feel trapped and they don’t want to feel like someone else is in control of their emotions. This is the reason that they shut down basically. They are still curious though so you will see them looking at your content privately. Remember, everyone’s human and everyone has the same exact emotions. We may not experience them simultaneously, but we all experience them eventually.

[@genacat4599]

@@Fairgreentube thank you for explaining this for me better.

[@danieloliphant9969]

10:00 so basically everything has to be on their time???

[@TheGlitterTheory33]

That’s so my ex. I have to FIT INTO his life, but does NOTHING when things are important to me. This personality is bologna.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

Everything has to be ON THEIR TERMS!!! Always!

[@wendydaniel1110]

Getting involved with an avoidant is like courting an alligator. At any point, it could turn real bad at your expense. Leave while you're ahead .

[@octomoney257]

I truly appreciate your dissection of both avoidant and anxious attachments. However I must say it seems like when you analyzed both but you don’t seem to address the huge flaw of avoidants in relation to contorting reality and escaping accountability and conflict avoidance and shiftting blame. This seems like the very fuel the anxious needs for the avoidant to weaponize

[@octomoney257]

Also avoidants can mentally checkout escape, retreat, all while still place holding, benefiting, extracting and form of emotion weather good or bad from the anxious. You can then count on the anxious to perform to win the alleged Unsafe partner of the year award. You know what’s a curious question what percent of avoidants are women and what percent are anxious, generally speaking which of the two is ‘more likely to ….

[@sallyc1809]

What if this person is so in love and has cried for 2 months about ending it w you? No contact or it spirals them and start crying again? Why walk away when there is so much love coach other? Why?

[@healingwithcharlie]

Usually it stems from a fear of some kind. The fear is messing up, not being good enough and the fear consequently being discarded because of those can cause them to walk away first. It’s often easier to walk away on your own terms than to be heartbroken later only to be proven right when they do abandon you. Of course there is no way to guarantee this will happen, but fear and anxiety can be strong motivators for avoidants to take action sooner out of precaution and avoidance of experiencing pain in the future. In a way it’s done out of self protection but it limits their opportunities in the process

[@DHards95]

I asked my avoidant ex to block me. Not sure how that's gonna work out.

[@yee6870]

that was kinda fierce of you ngl

[@DHards95]

@@yee6870 whaddya mean by that? It was never my intention to hurt her. Just needed to move on.

[@dannywholuv]

Did she?

[@DHards95]

@dannywholuv Yes, she did block me. I think I angered and upset her but I'm an FA and needed to find a way to stop pestering her.

[@amymjay]

What if it's been 4 months of them watching stories everyday.

[@healingwithcharlie]

Anything other than someone choosing to elevate interaction with you should just be seen a limited effort. Unless they're trying to engage with you in some way beyond viewing your stories, it's best to ignore it as best you can

[@benten1443]

I messaged my avoidant ex after 4 weeks of no contact, a simple hey whats up...she seenzoned me. After 2 days i messaged her saying if she would like to catch up since there are a bunch of holidays here at my college this week. She seenzoned me again, what does this mean? We've known each other for 2 years and became best friends then started our relationship and that lasted for only 4 months. Im an anxious type and it ended mostly because of stuff I did but some part of it is also her fault, we both lacked communication. But it is both of our first relationship.

[@bonton9441]

Means she's with someone else and you need to man up give her space and leave her alone

[@benten1443]

@@bonton9441 She's not with someone else. I know this because we have mutual friends.

[@morena6371]

Block her

[@healingwithcharlie]

Pause your outreach for now. 4 weeks is still a brief time to be in no contact, and if she leans more avoidant than it'll take some time yet before she wants to communicate. You've made it clear that the door has been left open for her to chat when she's ready, so the ball is in her court. In the meantime, focus on you, your friends and whatever else brings you joy

[@benten1443]

@healingwithcharlie Yeah I've done all that I can, give her space, be in no contact, initiate the conversation so that she doesn't feel awkward but seenzoning seems quite disrespectful. I still love her, but I can't wait for her forever, I'll go back to no contact, its up to her if she wants me back in her life.

[@rajwinderkaur7786]

No need .

[@Jessiethegirl23]

I am a Fearful Avoidant. I have my very avoidant tendencies… So trust me when I say… They don’t genuinely want to get back together. It’s called Hoovering. They are testing to see if they can still control you. Avoidants want love too… but for a brief amount of time. We are going to want to jump back into our other goals. You become a smaller priority again.

[@Gbb93]

Ugh toxic just reading that. Those types of people deserve to be alone until they fix their crappy behavior. Controlling is manipulation, and idk what planet that’s considered loving behavior.

[@napfinap945]

I got ghosted by my FA ex after i called her selfish for asking me to come over after the 5 th breakup from her side and we agreed that it will be the last breakup. They cant take criticism even though she said its selfish herself. At least she was very reflected on her behaviour. You can only keep them if you dont care if they leave you or not, they feel its not affecting or hurting you - IT means you are strong enough to handle them. Still they take too much energy to be with in the long run. They cant give you what you need but you have to give them a looot.

[@Gbb93]

She kept watching my stories. She’d post things trying to get my attention, and I fell for it just once. Realized that she was just hovering, so she could get the validation then return to normal. So I ended up just soft blocking her. Mostly for me, but also because she doesn’t deserve to see what I’m up to.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

I have been diligently studying this horrible affliction for a month now. Here's the lowdown: 1) They are controlling 2) NO affection from them! 3) They only enjoy SUPERFICIAL CONVERSATION, no heart-to-hearts with them, they are shallow, period! If you think you'll ever have a deep conversation & sharing feelings with them, FORGET IT! They simply aren't interested. Mine even told me, "I'm Shallow!" 4) They will give you NO compliments, ever! 5) Mine gave NO gifts. 6) NO "I love you", it's scares them to death to say it! Even if they told you at the beginning they are crazy about you, never felt like this with anyone, blah blah blah 7) They will NITPICK YOU TO DEATH, trying to tear down what little self-esteem you have left! 8) They are "party people" -- they enjoy PARTIES, CLUBS, ETC. Anything where there's going to be SHALLOW, MEANINGLESS CONVERSATION. My advice after studying it deeply -- RUN RUN RUN, AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE!

[@jenniferldohn]

Wow that’s toxic as f I hope you’re going to therapy dude!

[@nimishapathak199]

Is there an average time span that avoidants take before they come back after the break up?

[@healingwithcharlie]

Mostly it depends on how quickly they process their fears vs their feelings. However most commonly they come back within 45 - 60 days of full no contact. Not since the break up itself but since the last moment of contact with them

[@nimishapathak199]

@@healingwithcharlie Got it, thank you. I feel there's no hope in my case :p

[@bonton9441]

Mine reached out day 67.

[@danjones9587]

Don’t get hung up on the numbers… That 45-60 day statement is generalized and pretty inaccurate. It all depends on each individual. Some FA’s won’t regulate until at least 90 days… DA’s can take a full 6 months… if not more. These “coaches” generalize information too frequently. Focus on yourself, healing, and don’t count the days… just focus on you day by day.

[@angelatam6274]

​@danjones9587 it's been 6 months and mine hasn't mrssaged yet. Do you think they're done or it'll take more time for them to recover?

[@MF25192]

I stay away from posting stories because im afraid she wont watch them

[@eppsislike]

Dude live your own life and do what you want, post stories whether she watches them or not.

[@sherondadavis8907]

I blocked him on my social media and i changed my number

[@Gbb93]

Nice

[@SC-trix]

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌❤👌

[@sandrabell1999]

No likes on social media for 9 mos haven't seen him in a year he does occasionally interact with my niece... looks to me like its "Done" he loves to get his needs met by flirting online with women.. makes sense.. enough distance and all he had to do is ghost....too old no patience for this...

[@debchevalier4660]

I'm trying to help him through his emotions I'm giving him the opportunity to message back ?

[@alexm-ql9dz]

she did all this initiated the contacted wanted to call and I made a pushing comment and made her to ghost me again. She left my message on read do I wait no contact or respond?

[@healingwithcharlie]

If it happened recently I’d say give it some time, for the both of you. You can always reach out after some time has passed to try discussing things again

[@eppsislike]

Why push? Relax...

[@jonjon7769]

Lol move on from people like this, useless emotional rollercoaster, Either your a friend or not.

[@user-il5yj1jv7o]

You keep saying keep all the conversations casual number .. takes a year for the first conversation..

[@StarlightPrincess70]

My avoidant ex, after 9 months of no contact, has sent me three very casual DM's on FB in the last two months and just sent me a friend request. I am so fearful of getting hurt again or at the very least, deeply disappointed, that I have totally ignored the messages and friend request. I am not over him yet and my heart still feels tender from the beak up. What happens when you ignore your avoidant ex's messages? Do they eventuallt just move on and stop trying at all to connect with you?

[@delightfullydeanna]

From what I’ve read.. eventually yes. If they truly are DA. Their fear of rejection and vulnerability will cause them to force themselves to move on from you before ever “chasing” or opening up about how they feel

[@Shinylightz]

My ex blocked me, but I noticed him stalking at my instagram stories with a fake second account and I know it's 100% him knowing that nickname. But I'm afraid he is scared to reach out to me. The reason of that is my post's he has been watching was about my dad who died and my brother having psychoses to that event and has been taken away to the mental hospital. After that he hasn't been watching me ever since, but one of his friends does every single time. He broke up with me 6 months ago and the block almost 3. Should I reach out to him with a short poetry letter showing him that I'm not angry and he can just reach out to me?

[@crl3480]

No

[@millionshadesofdarkness2165]

Why did u leave him

[@Shinylightz]

@@millionshadesofdarkness2165 He broke up with me, I would have never left him for anything.

[@Shinylightz]

@@millionshadesofdarkness2165 He broke up with me. I would have never left him for anything or anyone

[@sham8303]

I think it's best if he comes back to you instead. And just keep working on yourself, spend some time with friends, and other things you love in the meantime. Best of luck.