How to Get Over a Breakup from an Avoidant Partner

[@djpdyson]

They don't just break up with you. They take it to a whole nother level. You are discarded and that is a type of trauma that I don't think it's acknowledged enough

[@patriciaanderson7903]

Yes!!

[@Doohopper_Grandma]

I believe you! Sometimes there seems to be no Reason. Don’t even see it coming!

[@KR-ou2qo]

My DA ex had been in therapy before after a breakup and, at some point in our relationship, where we had some discomfort on both sides, I asked him if he was aware of the attachment styles. He said yes, but he does not pay attention to that. Being myself in therapy during our relationship and asking to know more about my attachment style in relation to his, the therapist was rather defensive and did not want to engage, saying that it's not a good idea to avoid people based on their attachment style. Well, if some people prefer to date/not date people based on some physical traits, I have the right to chose to date/not date a certain attachment style. I think therapists spend too much time validating someone's feelings no matter what they are, and too little time educating them about their behavior that may not be ideal. I experienced this myself and kind of lost trust in the therapist who focused too much on validating my feelings and refused to say anything about what I was doing wrong, even when I directly asked for it - it felt manipulative to me, but probably to others it might feel encouraging when they are told to be whoever they want to be and ignore their attachment issues. It is the kind of political correctness that does more harm than good.

[@Weismant81]

@@KR-ou2qoI feel like regular talk therapy is not a solution, attachment coaching is a more useful approach.

[@KR-ou2qo]

@@Weismant81 Agreed, but what is upsetting is that a regular therapist discourages us from seeking further help. And most people are not here on youtube looking for more information. Most people I asked if they ever heard about attachment styles said no.

[@salvomig2368]

In the end, they will never find happiness, even when in a relationship. Take comfort in knowing you will find happiness. It will happen.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@Flufero23]

I was in a four-year relationship/situationship with my ex FA. After expressing deep feelings for me, he began a slow fade. Eventually, eight months ago he monkey branched to another, aided by her family. Such a people pleaser. He even wanted to remain friends. Nope!! I should have recognized and acknowledged the red flags, but I didn't . Since I learned early on he was uncomfortable talking about feelings, I let it go. I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself, so I had no problem giving him his space. I have family, friends, activities, A life of my own. Although I felt hurt, betrayed, and disrespected, I have recovered. A discussion and mutual parting would have left the door open to at least remain on friendly terms, if not actual friends. I knew nothing of attachment theory at the time. So sad. He is really a decent guy. I will be more careful in the future since I know the signs. Never again!

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@gayleneflower398]

Same 5 yr r/s , asked to be friends, have my own life-but felt bad for him. I’m bitter..I felt used and what is worse, he used MY precious time & effort…never again, left me jaded

[@gayleneflower398]

Yes TRAMA BOND

[@stephanielafever7680]

Once a DA leaves a relationship they’re just done. I’m so glad you provide this information

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@faithburringtonjones1337]

Geeezzz what a ride! You hit everything on the mark! Wow how weird it all is - however, I hung in there for practically 8 years. He said it was the best relationship he has ever had. Now I really get it! I am a psychotherapist and there were parts of our relationship that were extraordinarily amazing. I didn't want that part to end. It was like he was one personality in bed/intimacy/safety/gentleness/contentment then as soon as it shifted into regular day to day tasks and things we had to do he became indifferent, distant but not in a mean way which made it really confusing. Yeah definitely aspects were addictive our sensuality was exceptional yet the contrast was so disorienting in a way. Strangely I took it on as a Mindfulness practice; patience practice and Radical Acceptance practice; I really miss him! 2 months now - all the reaching out has been from me (of course). Wanting it to end with a gentleness and kindness that our relationship deserved. Thanks for being such an sincere and authentic human mentoring us through this! Many Blessings!

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@desertdog8006]

Wow ... My experience too. I have one Question. Are they genuine when both of you together or are they just amazing lovers or even actors ? I often wonder but sure feels genuine to me. Looks straight into my eyes and kisses so passionately. That just kills me but learned to accept to polar opposite behaviours and attitude.

[@desertdog8006]

Like mine. Totally compartMENTAL

[@lann7669]

Wow the way you describe his different behavior sounds so similar to my experience. He made the most romantic and affectionate gestures, was always extremely tender and giving in intimacy, then in other situations he would just seem cold, distant, indifferent. And very selfish most of the time. Like he was two totally different people. After ten months of dating he told me he couldn't offer commitment because he never had any feelings for me. And that he never had feelings for anyone in the past 10 years after his best relationship ended (he was the one who ended it btw). He acted like I shouldn't be upset because it's no big deal. I was so shocked and hurt. I went into no contact, but every day feels like torture.

[@patriciaanderson7903]

Thanks for sharing this faith burrington. I can relate to what you wrote!!

[@KR-ou2qo]

10:44 There is a build up of discomfort on both sides but the avoidant makes it impossible to have the conversation, they avoid any kind of conflict, they just want things to go their way no matter what

[@KR-ou2qo]

2:34 No, it didn't! It mattered for their ego only! It is traumatic, there is nothing romantic about it

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@northshorelight35]

To help me move on and get over him was accepting that this is a disorder. I don’t want to be burdened with someone who is ill. I’m not looking to take care of someone during my best years.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@walkertranger5746]

What if he was in traffic accident and became disabled . That’s a mental incident as well. You walk away cause you don’t want to be burdened ?

[@clara7920]

I just ended a five year relationship with a severe avoidant at first I had no idea of what i were dealing with after much deep dive I came to conclusions of dismissive avoidant problem along with ADHD or Autism Spectrum? I couldn’t take the running away and poor communication

[@marjoriemartinez9973]

I broke up with him unexpectedly, after he said he was not ready for a commitment or responsibility or he had space for me at this time. He referred to me as his friend or company and was perfectly ok having me on the weekends, so i just pulled the plugged 😢

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@blessedbee186]

They r weak and not emotionally mature

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@krisreynolds9490]

Very true. But weak from the perspective of actually doing the self reflection, accepting it and doing the work. They’d rather run to save themselves from the fear of being hurt and destroy that persons heart instead

[@arlisward2788]

Coach, your positive approach is so refreshing! It’s helpful to see the good times and connection, as well as the lessons as a gift. If we allow, our past relationship with a DA will inspire us to be a better person and have a brighter future. Thank

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@tomtraveltigard]

Coach, I appreciate this video, I think I’ve seen it a couple of times, but only now some 4 1/2 months after my ex blindsided me with a break up discard text. Am I in a spot where I can appreciate much of which you have talked about. I think what’s most clear to me, is the level of deep trauma that occurs when something so shocking happens without any kind of inkling or notice or tip off. it’s not just a break up that you were recovering from, it’s deep and lasting trauma and abuse. Like a lot of traumatic experiences, this sort of trauma lit on fire some abandonment issues I had, but I thought were long gone, and it just makes everything exponentially worse. The biggest challenge I have and have had is getting my arms around the fact that the person that I was so nuts about and thought I knew so well, was capable of doing something so heartless and traumatizing. I didn’t know anything about avoidants, I sure have learned a lot in the last four months, especially about red flags. Thanks for the great video you

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@LorenaBerrenbaum]

I told my x please work on yourself because your hurtling people as much as your hurtling yourself, he answered, ' i know but thats not easy' Ok bye!😂😂

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@victorkroud3642]

That’s the Same thing I heard.

[@nickolwilson2212]

I said this & he told me not to tell him how to have relationships.

[@Sai3495]

I came to a lot of these realizations in the last few weeks. There was always something off about her. I couldn't put my finger on it. I saw the signs but didn't know they where signs, i thought it was just her

[@The_whimsical_avoidantcope]

SAME bro. My gut was firing off the entire time. I just didnt know what i was dealing with yet

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@ClancySayce]

So spot on with everything except the narcissistic abuse - although I had helped him to recover from his. The biggest ah-ha was the break up when circumstances change. Three years in there had been so many shared fun interests and much mutual practical support until an old girlfriend contacted him after 6 years. Bam! Thank you for such an insightful commentary.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@gregorystinette8271]

Very difficult relationships

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@PhilipLoader]

Understatement.

Everything you said applies and happened to me. All of it makes sense now. And still, the absolute suddenness and blindsidedness of her ghosting me, haunts me. Lack of closure is the most tormenting cruel action you can do to a human, shy of physical abuse.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@l0uann3]

I left my avoidant. After one month of no contact he starts sending messages as if nothing happened

[@guywithahelmet9597]

Shit I haven’t heard from my ex haha doubt I will

[@l0uann3]

@@guywithahelmet9597 consider yourself lucky

[@guywithahelmet9597]

@@l0uann3 what I keep reading haha

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@BratFyre]

Part of me hopes mine will...the other part thinks I shouldn't let them back in my life again after what they've done.

[@syedbukhari6578]

This video was so relatable. Thank you!

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@lafemmeprada8]

I went through this as the receiving side. I went through it twice. It’s finally got to a point that is manageable and not painful.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@DominionMovementDotOrg]

very illuminating.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@kathirodden6109]

It’s like the narcissist gets off Scott free!

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@SB-fk8fm]

I was avoidant because I was split. I forget people. My memory is shot because I had dissociative amnesia. lol the DA I met and went in this goose chase -chasing a ghost which was me. He mirrored me back to me. It sucked. But led to my own healing and getting my memeories back from the abuse in childhood. It’s really worse than you all think. It’s best to see them split and they forget you. I do and did and still do. I realized it’s actually the best approach and yes I don’t date. I don’t at all put myself out there because I will leave. Deactivation is the splitting. We forget you. Completely.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@gayleneflower398]

Maybe you can get therapy? It’s so sad to hear you are so unhappy.

[@PhilipLoader]

The gradual loss of memorie baffled and confused me. I pretended as if I couldn't see it. My birthday was completely forgotten about until I casually mentioned something about it. Then 2 weeks later I had a phone call replete with singing happybirthday and a new birthrate. Really confusing.

[@cyrilhector9183]

What needs to be said is that for an avoidant who is not aware of the condition it's like being betrayed by their own mind and there seems no explanation....a recipe for deep depression because they loved the other person before their wall appeared...very devastating for them as well.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@Woowoo_25]

Thanks great information 🙏🏼

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@patriciaanderson7903]

Thank you Coach Daniel! 🙏

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@ajreyes5641]

I refuse to do no contact. I mean maybe it’s OK for 1-3 weeks but after that I’m moving on. It’s just not worth waiting six months to see what happens and you’re right it is manipulative.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@sarahsurrender11]

Great content ❤

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@sheliasmith2884]

Thank you im going through the healing process now 2 year relationship on and off i even met his family.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@sakutaro3musik486]

i gave him the space he wanted and he cheated on me with another person for months so why is no one talking about that and how to see the signs. I saw signs but all these youtuber like you tell me they just "deactivate" so I gave him space and didn´t mind if he went 2 weeks without writing and even 6 months without meeting in real life so could you make videos about how to see when it is space and deactivation and when it is more like over and they are cheating on you?

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@jessd956]

From what Thais Gibson has observed, FAs are the most likely to cheat. And boy do I know all about it. 💔

[@rainingpatchouli4476]

Unfortunately all avoidant do what's called "distancing AKA SABOTAGING tactics " yes that includes having random impulsive sex to create control. It's not safe or healthy . I found mine on dating apps MULTIPLE TIMES... move on ❤

[@kathirodden6109]

I think they manipulated me!!!

[@doublesidestephustler6094]

This happened to me as well

[@eunicesandoval478]

How can I learn more about your coaching services?

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

Join on our group and contact with group admin “Daniel Robertson” “Kristy” “Rabby” We have an active free Facebook group where we are supporting one another and discussing all topics. Join us! Here's the link. facebook.com/groups/497110239016033/?ref=share_group_link

Red flag. How was their childhood. My girl was raped by a family member at 5 years old till she was 10. Her parents (korean) blamed n shamed her. It all makes sense now. I wish i knew then what i know today. Damn, I never loved anybody as much as I loved her. Im being ghosted as i write, 6 weeks and counting, absolute silence from her. Worst pain ive ever experienced by far.

[@Wizard-Girl9]

‼️Take heart, these are very sick ppl… stay away

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@paulsell2438]

How do you navigate this when there's false allegations of infidelity thrown at ypu by the avoidant?

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@worldofcats9611]

Oh no! 😢

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@rnnekleiv9739]

So helpful, thank you🫶🏻 seven years don’t feel temporary, lol, but this knowledge is such a gamechanger for me. I appreciate you sharing this.

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@Wizard-Girl9]

♥️🕊️💗🗾Coach Daniel is BEST therapist on YT‼️Ty brother 👸💗🌸💗

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@Wizard-Girl9]

🕊️Holy Bible: “The heart is desperately wicked - who could know it”

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@Rb79_85]

I’ve been text book discarded by my emotionally avoidant ex right in the middle of buying a house and him telling my family he wanted to marry me. On passing at work we exchanged cordial hellos but months later in the past few weeks he is literally running and hiding when he sees me. What on earth is this all about?

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@tacotuesday6087]

EXACTLY what happened to me except we didn't get to the house yet but was on the way. I want to connect with you somehow and talk/vent about this crap. It's driving me crazy. How could we connect by phone ?

[@tacotuesday6087]

Privately somehow because I don't have social media

[@tacotuesday6087]

And I work with them as well

[@tacotuesday6087]

I need advice

[@virginiaadams5700]

I feel like i wasted the last two years of my life. And that i never really stood a real chance at a happy, healthy, loving relationship with him. I feel cheated. I feel like there was nothing i could do to change the course of our relationship. I recently found out that he would talk to my daughter in law about issues he had with me. But he would never tell me. She would see us together and we would look so happy. So she thought we had talked about things and worked them out, so she felt there was no reason to tell me. So when he broke up with me, i was not the only one in complete shock. All of our friends and family were. Except for his sister. All she said was that this was his pattern... he has done it with everyone... and he was not coming back.

[@ladybug127t]

I’m sorry and feel you because I’m going through similar situation like yours…28 months relationship with a DA. I didn’t know he’s a DA until last weekend (after 5 months of “I need space and time to work on myself and to find my inner self”), he met up with me and told me that he’s seeing someone now for 3 weeks…😢

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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[@DominionMovementDotOrg]

:-( at least it wasn’t way longer though

[@AndyKat-xm8yw]

Jason and Andrea. Broke up he is pissed with me what does it mean

[@Coachdanielrobertson]

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