Why TRAD WIVES are going viral in 2024 (& why we need to talk about it!)

[@faibesemer5658]

Damn, it hit hard when you said, “women are expected to work like they don’t have kids, and expected to raise children like they don’t work”. I think it hit the nail on the head, as not only are we expected to do both but we’re expected to balance everything, and STILL be perfect at both. I loved this video, especially that you were understanding and went deep into both sides of the topic! I could imagine you doing interviews/documentary style videos on topics like this in the future🙏

[@HereIAm247]

Yes, that one got me as well. People love to say that life is so much easier today. But honestly, the demands of each individual have never been higher. Back in the day, you took an education to get a better paying job. Nowadays, you have to spend most of your young adulthood to get an education - just to have a chance of getting a job, and some form of job security. In most countries, you will also have to take student jobs alongside the studies, to support yourself. Spending a LOT of time working and studying. Then there is appearance. You are expected to always look and smell good, but not look like you actually tried. Therefore, you either spend a lot of time and money that you don't actually have on achieving that. Or you end up having no energy to do it at all. Same with cooking and cleaning. Not to mention time to socialise, exercise, have a hobby, etc. Lets do the math. 24 hours in a day - 8 hours sleep - 1 hour transportation to/from work (some will need less, but many people spend up to an hour each way) - 1 hour to get ready in the morning (shower, breakfast, getting family ready) - 8 hours work - 1 hour transportation (home) That leaves you with 5 hours to do all the rest - Cooking, eating and cleaning (will usually take at least 1 hour combined, up to 2 if you eat with your family) - Laundry - Exercise or hobby - Socialising, dating, childcare - Any evening routine you might have Usually, by the time you cook and clean, you are too exhausted to do any hobbies, exercise or socialising. Really, it is not that strange that people want to get out of that hamster wheel...

[@OzmaOfOzz]

Basically America Ferrera s speech in the Barbie movie

[@annmarieknapp]

I refuse to buy into this Cottage Core right-wing subservience because I was born with a uterus. Nope.

[@Bundalaba]

Gee, it's like our ancestors figured out women shouldn't face outside heavy work & dangers and maintain important household upkeep and raising children.

[@SamBarge1]

This is true. It's odd that the answer isn't men should pick up their share. Or capitalism should stop expecting 40+ hours/week of work from workers. Why is the answer then that women should give up their economic security in the economy we exist in and submit to their husbands? The system is broken and the answer isn't to break ourselves to fit it.

[@biancarosato5904]

Everybody always talks about having a back up plan “if he cheats”, “if he leaves you”, etc. You could be married to the most loyal, devoted, loving man and STILL need a backup plan. What if he gets cancer and dies? What if he’s permanently disabled in a car accident? Women need a backup plan REGARDLESS of their spouse’s character.

[@AlphaStudios-lh1rz]

No one said otherwise.

[@mb10637]

A real couple will talk about that and plan TOGETHER. I got myself and my wife on health insurance PLUS supplemental insurance to further cover hospital stays, cancer insurance, and $100,000 life insurance. I as a loving husband want to know that even if I die, my wife will be able to keep going with the life insurance paying out to her. This shouldn’t be something a wife has to think about by herself. In a real relationship, you work together through everything.

[@brooklin_bernek]

@@mb10637yep! My husband and myself have a 500,000 life insurance plan , 401k and of course other insurances for fire / water damage etc . That’s what a PARTNERSHIP IS.

[@Monica-ke2be]

A serious couple will talk about it and have this situation in mind. I talked about this before getting married that there should be a back up plan and that he needs to plan accordingly.

[@trashpanda3837]

​@@AlphaStudios-lh1rznah there are people out there shaming women for planning just in case, saying they aren't devoted etc.

[@leilahannah4806]

A little off point but I think the idea of the "simple" life is becoming increasingly attractive because the majority are so frustrated and jaded from working full time and not live comfortably or even being able to afford our own houses. Back in the day you would grind because there was an excellent chance of it paying off with a sense of independence, autonomy, freedom and security. Now we grind yet still live precariously. A friend who has worked full time since 2014 went into a bank to ask about a mortgage and they laughed at her. We've normalised laughing at people who spend 1/3 of their life working and want to own their own home. And we are talking about supposedly developed countries. It makes me feel like they're laughing at us from the top . No wonder a rejection of hustle culture is bubbling. This turned into a huge rant but anyway - not a tradwife here but yes to pushing against the system!

[@Thehennies]

Love this! Excellent point

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I did mention this, it's such an important part of the conversation and not off point at ALL

[@Fearlessly91]

Independence, autonomy, freedom, and security are the main things a housewife lacks (along with any real sense of accomplishment)

[@Madeline64]

I have a coworker, she works almost 2 full time jobs. She works a 9 - 5 with me and then en the evenings she works in a nursing home where she stays overnight. In the morning, she wakes up and comes straight to her day job. This is her daily routine. She also works the other job on the weekends. This is just to be able to afford a basic lifestyle that everyone who works should be able to have. So yes, you are right. It is insane right now. Looking forward, maybe my husband and I will never be able to afford a house with the way things are.

[@natalieg4225]

​@Fearlessly91 that is such a cruel and ignorant thing to say, especially the last part.

[@tbrough90]

The tradwife influencers are a really interesting niche. As a stay at home mom myself, I am very involved in the running of my home, my kids, cooking, cleaning etc. The tradwife influencers do these same tasks in a very performative way. It's all everyday things done in very unrealistic ways. "My husband was craving cereal, so I made it from scratch".. I've made homemade cereal, it's healthier and tastes great, but it's not something I'd do on the whims of someone's cravings. Remembering that they are influencers, creating an aesthetic, a narrative for their channel and that the things they are doing are for entertainment is very important. Just like I don't think that women who choose to work should be judged, women who choose to be homemakers shouldn't be judged, or lumped into this unrealistic "tradwife" category.

[@susanjeffries5108]

Completely agree! I'm also a SAHM but I'm not posting about making homemade bread on social media. 😂 I bake a lot, because I like it, and because my degree in food science actually makes cooking and baking even more interesting to me. The chemistry behind cooking is so fascinating! But I don't have the time or patience to film myself making homemade bread/cooking, etc, nor do I think it would make for good content. I don't care about the aesthetics enough. I'm generally listening to a British murder mystery for watching some cute show with my son while I'm cooking LOL. I got my college degree, met my husband, put him through college and his master's degree, and then felt burnt out and was able to stay at home when I had my son. I think that's kind of a feminist act in a way. I was the breadwinner for years, and now I have the privilege of being able to choose to stay home. I think feminism is about respecting the choices of other women, and making the best choices for your own circumstances. I love that there are women that rock their jobs, and I also love that women have the opportunity to stay home if they can or want to. I agree some of this tradwife stuff is pretty offensive when they talk about the submissive garbage, though. Maybe I shouldn't say it's garbage. It just personally makes me feel really icky, as one who has suffered abuse at the hands of a man many, many years ago. And as much as I love my husband and son, I don't think men are de facto on this elevated plane above women. Definitely not!!!

[@tbrough90]

@@susanjeffries5108 Love this take! Yes women supporting women is what I think feminist goals should be. I have also been the "bread winner" when my husband lost his job. I was still working while he was searching, and we worked as a team to make sure that our spending was in line with our new tighter budget in order to stay on top of our financial goals. My husband did end up finding the right opportunity for a new job, and a few years later we decided to start a family. We both felt like we could make the necessary sacrifices to be a one income household, so I could be home with our children. I think for women that pour their passion into their career it makes sense to make sacrifices to stay in the workplace. I never had that; I had a job. Sacrificing my job and the extra income was the right move for me and my family, but that might not be the right move for everyone.

[@mantra9wolf]

@@susanjeffries5108 Well said! Thank you, because I know women who got beaten up by their husbands, just because they thought they're better. Bunch of cowards, those men, nothing more 😌

[@caitlinbenallack835]

To me encouraging women to maintain skills and education that can be used to make money isn’t just in case of divorce. What if he gets sick or injured and can’t work?

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Again, I wish we’d stop encouraging women to view their futures through the lens of whether or not whomever they might marry will be around. This is totally valid! But idk I’m sad that so many women choose their path not based on what they are passionate about/good at but based on their likelihood of ending up alone 😩 It’s such a negative framework y’know? We exist independently

[@caitlinbenallack835]

@@melaniemurphyofficial totally! It is unhealthy to allow your life to be driven by fear and worst case scenarios. We should follow our joy. But for me it falls into the same category as buying insurance. I don’t plan on crashing my car, but I still have coverage.

[@MrPiruletas]

But how come there are no men finding their passion in taking care of their babies, financially dependent and baking? I mean, many men love their children (or is it that dads love their children less than moms?) and many men enjoy baking, but I don’t see any of them in the internet complaining about how they have been told by xxx (patriarchy?) that they are allowed ti be stay at home dads and being “”taken care of””. Also, in a capitalist society, either you inherit generational wealth or you (man or woman) have to work a paid job for a living (either one you are passionate about or not, capitalism doesn’t care, neither does you landlord). So basically it is very difficult to be a stay at home dad-mom if your partner isn’t providing for the family (and even if he/she does, most wages alone are not enough to provide for 4 people). So we are really trying to teach our children to be able to provide for themselves, finding a way for that to be your passion is the cherry on top. I used to be passionate about my job, I’m not any longer for reasons beyond my power, I find passion elsewhere, but I’m still financially responsible for so many things…

[@marissac26723]

I agree with the ideas in this thread. My mom, a college-educated woman, stayed in an unhealthy relationship during my entire life because she didn't feel confident that she could handle supporting my brother and I on her own (financially and emotionally). The world isn't fair and in America it's every person for themselves. There are not enough laws in place to provide safety nets for single parents. This lesson taught me that financial stability and independence is crucial for me to live out in my life no matter what relationship I end up in.

[@Jaylade]

@@MrPiruletas Well maybe its the fantasy for women, because we don't want to work anymore

[@farrahaliceblack7453]

A friend once pointed out that a lot of conservative attitudes especially around gender roles... kinda start to look like kink/fetish play when you really think about it. Like since he said that, I now can't comprehend how a trad wife "submitting to her husband" and "his house is his CASTLE and so he should feel like a KING" isn't just a sub/dom kink fantasy in different costumes and lighting... and with likely none of the consent and boundary awareness that is core to the actual kink community and acknowledging what it actually is you're doing here. Kink is not always sexual! Just food for thought 😅

[@rutabaga_ruth5450]

You have a point, especially since these content creators are generating their own income, i.e., aren't "traditional wives" at all. It's like roleplaying.

[@essraes]

Wait holy shit this is amazing

[@EverDifferent]

@@rutabaga_ruth5450 yes! It might seem sexy to them, since they ultimately consented to this kink while still holding some power in the relationship by making an income. But true power imbalance is not sexy. I just recently witnessed a relative yelling angrily at his wife (a sahm of two without a permission to work in the country, totally dependent on her husband) with no apparent reason other than showing dominance - and that chilled me to the bone! No wonder she doesn’t find tradwife lifestyle sexy!

[@hllymchll]

THIS. real women who live traditionally dont glorify their husband the same way these wives do. I can respect my husband and not present myself as his servant. also they wouldn't post any of this shit online

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I am GOBBLING this thought food you're SO RIGHT

[@kiterafrey]

There is a reason the song that goes, "You make me do too much labor" is so popular. Since the dawn of time, women have had to work. Even back during nomadic times, even back when we were still homoerectus, women did equal labor. They gathered. They learned information on what was safe to collect and forage and shared it with others. When we starting settling and building civilizations, women worked the fields along side their spouses. Once the start of ancient civilizations started, women worked either the land and home or outside the homes. Only rich women didn't work outside the home. And even those rich women still had the labor of literal labor, like childbirth. Being a stay at home parent is work, being a working mother is so much work, having a job is work. We're all doing labor, but our society only seems to champion the labor that is considered to be masculine (the 9-5) in 1950's to modern society. Edit: Also, pulling on my first degree in anthro, we found that women also hunted along side men and that often women were better at it because they were better at studying animals and stalking prey. So when these trad wife creators act like they're living a soft easy life, then they're not a REAL trad wife. Being a full time mother and homemaker is hard work and not glamourous.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I think this is the most important part of the conversation/the video! It’s all just AN AESTHETIC it’s not based on true ‘tradition’ at all

[@jocelyn3212]

Well said

[@teresahalliday3680]

Melanie, this is a great video!! My mom was a traditional 1950s-60s housewife. She had four children and was a housewife was constantly taking care of us. My dad wasn't demanding and they had their roles. They both were very talented. My dad could build anything and my mother sewed our clothes, cooked from scratch, and created a wonderful home for us. But her vision for us was to be well-educated and self sufficient. My husband and I married late so had no children. We share one bank account and credit cards. We talk over large purchases but neither of us question what small things we spend our money on. I would be concerned that women who want that trad wife life don't have skills to fall back on should the need arise for any reason.

[@LCCH.cecilia]

It’s crazy how much of this depends on the way you were raised (for better or worse). My mom was always the breadwinner of my house, even after divorcing my dad and remarrying, she still is the main breadwinner to this day. I don’t know how the hell she did it but I NEVER felt like she wasn’t around, I never felt any lack of support or love from her. She hired help yes but all my memories from my childhood are from my mom at home with us, even though she worked a 9-5 as well. Adding to that I saw a couple of women family members that were traditional stay at home moms, get screwed up by their husbands and struggle a lot to keep their house, find a job, and start a career. I never even considered becoming a stay at home mom because all of those experiences taught me that I needed to be financially independent, and now growing up and seeing other dynamics it was very hard for me at first to understand why anyone would do that 😅 but honestly I support women and what they choose for themselves, as long as we keep teaching them to be smart!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Amen!

[@notmanymore1521]

While you are lucky that you were able to have a great relationship with your mom even though she was also working full time (which is usually not the case for a lot of kids), one thing you may want to consider is the toll it took on her. To be able to both work full time and be dedicated to your job, but also juggle being there for your family take A LOT out of a person. It's the kind of life that exhausts you to the fullest and the last person you do take care of: is YOU. That would be the reason I actually would not advocate for this kind of life, even if to you as a child it looked wonderful. Being able to build a career and be a "boss lady" is wonderful. Being able to be a stay at home mom who devotes herself to her family is wonderful. Being both at the same time - is a special kind of torture. That's why I have no issue with "tradwifes" nor with feminists. My issue starts when we as women are expected to fill both roles. While far too many men only stick with the job aspect of it and nobody seems to mind.

[@LCCH.cecilia]

@@notmanymore1521 I 100% agree with that, my mom still struggles to this day to take time for herself, especially without feeling guilty. And this is the main reason why I don’t know if I want to have kids or not. The pressure society puts on women vs men when they become parents is crazy, and I don’t know how I would take that. I value my passions and aspirations a lot and I don’t want to sacrifice that, but I also don’t want that to prevent me from having a family if I ever want to. I don’t know, it’s a difficult place to be in right now.

[@alisonchandler5333]

Hi Melanie! The issue I have with the trad wife movement is the constant drone of, "if you work you're less of a woman. If you work, you don't love your kids and partner, if you work, you must be brainwashed." Not to mention what it does to people outside of the cis straight world. Overall, the idea that this is the one right way rubs me the wrong way.

[@madi32]

I have three little kids and work part time and it's those three days working outside the house that keep me sane. 😂

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Yeah honestly I love working part time...best of both worlds! If it was all or nothing I'd lose my MIND

[@madi32]

@@melaniemurphyofficial Absolutely. Makes you appreciate both worlds way more.

[@madi32]

If you're aspiring to be a trad wife, just please - know that many to most videos are misleading, especially if no kids are involved. Staying at home cooking, cleaning and tending the kids is not glamorous at all; rather it can be a very isolating, frustrating and exhausting life, especially in this day and age, - make sure you stay financially independent (as in you have your own bank account). Loved the video btw, it was very balanced and addressed everything that needed to be addressed.

[@Jaylade]

How can you possibly be a trad wife and be financially independent?

[@madi32]

@@Jaylade Yeah, that's kind of the whole point, that you're dependent on his income. You should have your own bank account though, and he should be willing to transfer part of his income to it without being able to touch it.

[@Jaylade]

@@madi32 I don't think that's the majority of men doing that. I think what's lacking in the conversation is the financial control men are getting back from this trend.

[@lacedsiryn]

@@JayladeBeing born into wealth. Works like a charm in this economy.

[@AAKing-d8b]

That's not traditional, that's feminist behavior. ​@@madi32

[@AmyClarksonMusic]

I'll never understand how these women don't understand that by making a living via content creation and putting out this 'anti-feminist' content, they're engaging with feminism by actively benefitting from it!

[@Goatfarmer93]

I think this is the first time I've listened to a critique on "trad wives" that I actually agree with! The trad wife esthetic is based more on 1950s trophy wives. ACTUAL traditional wives are the ones who are working alongside their husbands, who know how to get dirty and often don't have time to stop and pretty themselves up when their husband is on his way home. I'm a farmer, my husband gets home from his day job at about 3. If I went and did my hair and makeup for when he got home, it would all be ruined in under an hour because I still have work to do, often outside.

[@farrahaliceblack7453]

On trad wives protecting themselves, incase they suddenly can't rely on their partners income. Let's assume the husband doesn't divorce them... why have I never seen any of them acknowledge how they'll keep their kids alive if the husband dies? Or if he gets severely injured or ill and can't work anymore? Does his retirement plan have his wife written into it? Does he have life insurance and what does she get from it? Depending on the country, what benefits/support could he access if he can't work anymore and is it enough to cover the entire household? Alternatively, what if she suddenly dies or becomes severely ill/disabled? Who's doing the childcare and housework? Will husband have to pay for childcare and will he have enough, because childcare is fucking expensive and it could be more than his deceased wife's allowance and likely won't cover 5am - nighttime 7 days a week unless he finds a miracle nanny. Especially since so many of these trad wife influencers are American, as someone in the UK where we have the NHS (thank god) I can't fathom how none of them acknowledge what happens if either parent or, god forbid, one of the children needs expensive health care or long-term ongoing treatment like if someone gets cancer and needs several rounds of chemo. If a single income household large enough to support these kind of unpredictable, uncontrollable worst-case scenarios? Because if yes, that's a HUGE financial privilege not available to most. If no, they are not being mature, responsible adults or parents. Have the hard conversations, talk about the ugly stuff. Talking about death isn't ever worse than never talking about it before you lose that person- in fact, planning it out way ahead of time will make your worse nightmare that much easier ❤

[@loes6839]

I've been wondering about this too!

[@InternetNonsense]

They certainly are not mature (Because no older woman is doing that, isn't that suspicious? Maybe the lifestyle doesn't set you up for long term happiness after all), it all seems very performative and aimed at someone's gaze for approval, clicks, accolades. They are just cosplayers playing out nostalgic aesthetic fantasies that historically never were (women worked their butts off, just never got acknowledged or paid for it, ironic how this modern social media tradwife "revival" is all about fabricated soft life for clicks and money, wonder if they would be as eager to portray it with no pay or attention, no alternative, dealing with all kinds of nasty bodily fluids of kids and farm animals daily from dawn till dusk, doing demanding physical labor that makes fancy haircuts, skimpy dresses, heels and makeup become such a nuisance and time waste). Also kind of surprised men are getting behind this, while decorative adoring slave is a common self-admitted fantasy and even expectation of theirs, do they not think only a handful would be able to afford this lifestyle? Wife being personal performer and chef, maybe even full-time nanny without any income? And what about their family security and kids' future in case one of them perishes, do they give a crap about that? Doesn't seem so. They seem to think everyone will get a government mandated replaceable (men are 6 times more likely to leave terminally ill partner) house fairy for free. Ridiculous and unrealistic. To me it seems that men are women are just tired of the rat race, food cost and pitiful quality, disconnect from nature, billionaires raking all the profits and others not being able to afford anything. Men want the unconditional loving mommies that won't run away if they suck and their crown-for-existing, while women want a slower life, better food and bigger, prettier spaces to live in.

[@soilgrasswaterair]

This is so dangerous! I studied law and am writing an exam paper on this exact thing, the danger that comes with finances in domestic violence. This might seem amazing while the relationship is healthy and blossoming, but women seriously need to ask why *they* are the ones that have to show their love for their male partner and children by giving up their financial security! This is how women for decades and still, get stuck in domestic violence or stuck even in a relationship she wants put of even though it’s been healthy. Without money or employment and a career women aren’t eligable to get their own place unless it’s a super expensive rental from a private owner. They have to move often, due to those type of contracts tend to be short some months or up to 3 years at the most usually. To move cuts a big dent in the wallet too. She is not going to be able to find one single bank that will lend her the money, because she has no job of finances to show them. Many men use finances to string her along, which is impossible for her to escape unless she has friends or family that are willing or able to take in her (, and the kids if she has any because these men tend to never want to make it easy and have the kids living with him unless he wants to punish her and remove them from her because she wants to remove herself from him). This is why knowing why things changed in society and educate yourself on WHY women fought so hard to have rights. To know that childcare, a right to vote, and be allowed to be withing the work force etc. etc. etc. came out of protection and so much more for women. To run full throlle in to a full regression and act as if anything good or cleaver is being done by running the errands of men who wants to keep women tied to them as proerty like back in the days, is horrendous! It’s tragic that it’s also always to 99.9 % always the woman that is supposeto give up her life and live in isolation and see nothing more than the floor she’s mopping and her male partner and their children. As a woman I feel ashamed that so many of this young female generation willingly debate their right to have no rights and the older felame generation who applaud it because they have lived that way and live by the words of their man that ”a woman’s place is in the home”. I’m disgusted and saddened and have seen a ton of legal records during my education at uni. and during my internship how dangerous this is for women tied to domestic abuse in different variation (physical, sexual, financial, emotional, psychological, mentally, violence during and after the breakup process). We still in many countries have legal systems where women lose their children to abusive men because we live in a world that serves men, and if he says she has lost her marbles and is keeping the children from him she is deemed a non worthy parent in many court rooms and he will get custody. Then these children grow up and their lives are ruined because they share they were forced to grow up with a father/parent who regularly abused them. Because they have the custody they can deny the child any psychological right which means he determines tåwhat they know about the abuse he have them endure which these abusive men normalise and act as if they have done nothing wrng or nothing more than was needed. Please stay educated and understand history in order to make proper decisions for your life now and for the future you! Listen to the women before you who have shared they were promised financial safety and protection, only to have the man abuse them, cheat on them, demand an extreme amount of things from her because he financially provided for her. Be your own agent and don’t be fina cially dependent on anyone so you can leave exactly when you want if and when a relationship is not for you anymore. Meet a partner out of love and not because you can live your life as a live in maid/nanny/s*x worker,cook,nurse,therapist to him!

[@AC-iw5mv]

You’ve definitely got your personal colour palette down perfectly!!!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I almost gave this dress away and Thomas convinced me not to! Glad I kept her! She's a beaut!

[@lisastevens682]

I have lived both lives.. I can tell you from experience... Being a stay home mom is the toughest job one will ever have in their lives! Rewarding, yes, but stressful. I had the opportunity to go to college and work part time after the military. It was a nice break to sit in a class for an hour without kids, or a husband, wanting to be waited on... Also.... If no one is in the house to mess it up, then it stays clean!! My grandmother was superwoman! She held a 40 hr week job. cooked, cleaned, watched us grandkids on the weekends and baked bread every Saturday. I had no idea how women of her generation did this? My counselor told me... "prescription speed!" Just like in Pink's video for "Beautiful Trauma."

[@as_strong_as_we_are_united]

As a 28yo woman I think a lot about kids recently. But it scares me a lot - this economical instability, amount of work that society doesn´t recognize. I would feel so much more secure if every mother had an unemployment payment every month (it could be called differently but whatever) until she can go to work, the sum increasing proportionally depending on kids amount, even if she had working husband. We make humans, future taxpayers and workers. It must be recognized as an important mission, and we deserve to feel completely secure and not depend on a husband or other relatives.

[@AAKing-d8b]

You sure don't make enough kids to maintain the population, which causes economic instability.

[@extrovertinhiding]

I love this video so much! Thank you for making it! I am a full time mom at home. Left my job as a children’s mental health therapist with young adolescents because I knew the right thing was to be present raising my own child, and the cost of childcare is ridiculous on top of that! It’s hard and often lonely, and I feel the weight of the invisible load often. At the same time, being with my toddler everyday is the more rewarding than any paycheck has ever been. Women need choices and not to be stuffed into “roles”.

[@elinor2667]

Have a blessed day & blessed comment section 🥰

[@aadilamoolla4068]

I was still job hunting when I married my husband. Fortunately, he earned enough for us to get by. Even with applying for jobs and doing a udemy course, alongside cleaning and learning to cook, it was boring and isolating to spend all day at home.

[@dorinadumbrava3174]

You basically exposed my own opinion on all this, but in a more eloquent way! I really admire the women who have the means and will to be housewives, but it comes with way more risks than it looks on the surface.

[@Marvillar]

My one note on the video, I'd suggest blurring the faces of the kids on the tik toks just like you do your own. I love your perspective and your videos, just something you may want to consider doing in the future to not promulgating the kids faces like their parents did.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

You're right! I often do this on Instagram if I share a reel with a child's face, I never made a note in my editing document to go back and do this (the panic about videos of my own children being included admittedly wasn't there) but yeah, in future I'll do this! xxx

[@malihehsoleimani4300]

I don't think encouraging women to work is exclusively to avoid separation hardships, but it's to have freedom in the relationship itself. More often than not, women and stay at home moms are kept completely in the dark when it comes to financial situations of the family, and that's dangerous, extremely dangerous.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

A woman having a traditional job isn't the ONLY OPTION that should be entertained...a woman in my opinion should have full equal access to the family income as brought home by her partner, OR she should be supported by the taxpayer while her children are small and while they are her full time job (but that's a very complicated debate!)

[@Jj-ph3ey]

When I see that content all I see is "my family is rich enough that I don't have to worry about work, and I can cosplay and pursue my interests instead." Not judging, that sounds great 😂 I wish we could all afford that

[@sunrise1201]

Living in the online world created by random individuals is not healthy in the first place. We should focus more on what is happening in the real world, check out how real women live and not obsessing over 20second videos that are aesthetically staged in order to boost public engagement (love or hate) and to generate revenue. Traditional wives should be loving, caring and protective of their family. Traditional husbands should be loving, caring and protective of their family. Melanie's making a very good point in that 50s women didn't enjoy doing the chores either. These are must do's in life. So to me this kind of content is just useless and besides the point. Let's live in the real world! Thank you, Melanie, for your insights!❤

[@Elemenohpea440]

I teach high school kids. I always tell the girls who want to be mothers to focus on careers where they can control their hours. This way, if they want to mostly stay home, they can, but if they need to go back to work, they can increase their hours. Never, ever, EVER lose your credentials or step completely out of the workforce. That being said, it is legitimately nice to be able to scale back hours with young kids in the house.

[@rasheedahsilvertree]

My stepfather passed away suddenly in the 90's....guess what my mother had always done and HAD to do after he died??WORK. Luckily she was educated before having children. I would never leave it all up to the MAN....my Stepfather was a good man, husband, and human being. He had a beautiful smile..He's gone...and my mother had to take all four of us and raise us alone. I nannied for a SAHW with 3 boys. She hadn't worked in almost 7 years. Ask me how hard it was for her to get back into the workforce.

[@elizabethbblackwell]

I have a couple of "hot takes" from this. I'm an ex traditional wife and mother who worked exceptionally hard when the kids were younger to educate myself and then I started a business when they got older. I now teach people about healing and empowerment along side my original business. We have to understand that these "trends" are not reality. They are, or at least should be for entertainment purposes only. We can't compare ourselves to what we see on social media. At best, they're snapshots of people's lives, and more often than not, they're advertisements. The issue with social media is that people compare themselves to what they see, and then believe that they are failing or somehow less than. We shouldn't head into partnership with the mindset of "when it ends". But, we also shouldn't be giving up such huge parts of ourselves that we don't have a way of standing on our own, if life comes to that. The biggest thing I would suggest to young people (and I have raised 3), is that if you're close enough to a person to think about sharing your lives and bringing new life into this world, then you need to be open to having the conversations about building a life that is rewarding and sustainable for the both of you, in all circumstances.

[@lucyairapetian407]

I’m of the opinion that both people in a marriage should practice the same things, know everything that needs to be done to earn money, take care of the house and of the kids. Because you never know what happens. What if one dies. The other one shouldn’t become half useless because of that.

[@susannahleopold6788]

I don't have tiktok and I've only just rejoined instagram so I've been able to ignore this relatively successfully up until now! So important that you emphasised that tradwife influencers do work - we need to differentiate between tradwives workng as one-person media companies - and those who are pursuing that life with zero social media following. I do definitely think it's important to have a plan to fall back on in case things don't work out. I'd rather my daughter have a back-up plan and not need it than the other way round. My dad died when I was 8 so that influences my perspective a bit!

[@abbyadda1]

I feel like the universe is playing games with me right now...i have these kind of thoughts all the time in my head...you somehow managed to Express them in the most beautiful way! Thank you for using your time to do this! ❤

[@Knoxly554]

I think my issue with the trad-wife movement is that a lot of the bits of it that go viral (which admittedly, I feel like is rage bait to some degree) seems to be an almost wilful misunderstanding of feminism. I dislike the 2010's girlboss feminism and the attitude it promotes but the overall point is that you have the CHOICE to work should you want to. The only reason they get to frame their lifestyle as a choice at all is because of feminism. I feel like the main gripe of people drawn towards this lifestyle is CaPiTalIsM (kind of a dreaded buzzword now but it's true). Like... you know what would enable people to have less work driven and family oriented lives? Universal Basic Income, if our taxes actually went towards social welfare programs. Maybe if people were talking more about things that would make this apparently preferable and idyllic life achievable for more people it wouldn't be so irksome. It's definitely true that just seeing someone essentially play pretend on an app is pointless to get upset over but there can sometimes be a air of classism to the whole thing. But I guess if it was being practical and discussing messy topics like systemic change it wouldn't be viral so hey ho!

[@AAKing-d8b]

There's no way to make that work with a falling birthrate. An aging population is a shrinking tax base. In a generation it's gonna be hard to make things work as it is.

[@Knoxly554]

@@AAKing-d8b Sure, but that's why immigration is a good thing. But that doesn't seem to be a conversation that people want to have. Also it's not necessarily about taxing the individual. Corporations dodge an eye watering amount in taxes all of the time. Getting rid of those loopholes alone could generate a huge amount of income

[@AAKing-d8b]

@@Knoxly554 80% of countries in the world have subreplacement population growth right now and it's only getting worse. Immigration can't solve this problem.

[@nicolelee3936]

I grew up and raised kids in an era where domesticity was not supported or encouraged unless you were very wealthy. I would have loved to have someone to say “making a home is a worthy pursuit.” And it wasn’t a soft, easy life. You’re basically doing the work you’d be paying someone else to do. This was a great video looking at it from all sides and I would agree we need to get off women’s cases and just let them be, career or home focused. We really can mind our own business.

[@elizaveta_youtube]

I didn't even know the term tradwife before this video, cause I've never encountered this type of content and this trend on my side of the internet. Not sure it's something I wanted to know, but mad respect for this video, Mel!

[@kittifire]

the post-trad wife stories made me sad, but i really appreciated including them. I think these things can happen even after youve had marriage talks

[@hrglobalwomenbarron9375]

I am staying at home mom, my husband is the only provider and we are not rich :) and I do not have any help but I couldn’t be more happy taking care of my kids at home, that is my job and I take it as serious, I work hard but is quite rewarding. I do also not look very fancy most of the days but everyday it gets easier and better as when you get better on your carrer and more experienced. With the years you get better at cooking, cleaning and helping your family so is not fake for all the moms you are mentioning. I think is a pleasure to be very good at your carrer (homemaker) and if this women work part time on whatever they are still staying at home. I for example baby sit dogs occasionally to bring extra dollars, but the important part is that you are there for your love ones.

[@salenathomas5105]

As a long time stay at home mom, I love it, but it’s not without challenges, my husband has never tried to control me via money or anything else. I see it as a blessing I’ve been able to be the one who raised my kids. But it can be very monotonous cleaning the same thing saying the same things and cooking the same things. I will say it’s a lonely career to be a SAHM in my experience. No real adult conversation on the daily. But really it all comes down to what works for each family and what brings you joy.

[@Jaylade]

Does he give you $?

[@juliaodonovan]

I was just talking to my BetterHelp therapist earlier today about being nervous about my lack-of-money-making in case my man isn't able to work or something bad happens to him. It doesn't worry me that he might leave, it concerns me that I might be in a difficult place if something unfortunate happens to him. At the moment I'm a "homemaker" by accident, but I hate cooking haha, so I don't do it very often 😂

[@imashu1000]

Italian here. Italians buy pasta in a box. The times you do make pasta is usually on a special occasion.

[@inky-bee]

Excellent video!! Have really struggled seeing all that tradwife content aghh. Great insight and balance to this video, love how you always facilitate a well rounded discussion and acknowledge the massive *context* around it all ❤️

[@DessMelissa]

This is a great topic especially for you to cover, cause I'm sure more then a few times someone who doesn't follow you has stumbled upon your content and assumed you were a Trad Wife, since your content is (slightly) Trad Wife adjacent. I personally follow a few trad wife cretors, because I strive to have a more traditional relationship in the future, but A. the ones I follow mostly do discuss the harder aspects, it just depends how intently you follow them B. I educated myself via the internet and my own life expriences as well as family experiences before I considered that something I wanted to presue and know more about, C. I do sometimes see content even from creators I like that is not how I would do it and not how I would encourage others to either, but it is their lives so I leave it at that. There is a danger in the allure of this content, but I feel the most important thing is that people talk more openly about the challenges and pitfalls that can happen. Many "mom content" creators share the reality's and a handful of Trad Wives do to, it is all about finding the right "influencers" to make your view well rounded, that can be challenging with how social media is designed but if you are willing to put in the work it can be done. More conversations on all ends are always better!

[@beaucrawley1191]

Mel you are so wise you really do know everything 😂❤ xxxx

[@pegahsazvar]

Great video, I love how you put conplicated thoughtful arguments into such heartwarming anti hostile words

[@GabriellePanetti]

I'm a stay at home mom because I want to but also out of necessity. We have 3 kids, 4 and under, and although I am a licensed teacher, if I went to pursue a career in teaching, my entire paycheck wouldn't even cover childcare so working would be pointless. Essentially, I would be paying to be away from my kids for no reason, especially since I'm not passionate about teaching anyway. We knew before having kids that we wanted one of us to stay home, so I did because I breastfeed and have the patience to be home with kids all day (hence why I thought I'd like teaching but unfortunately do not lol )

[@nanamihina]

I think it's really sad that these trends push people into feeling like a slow life or a focus on homemaking is necessarily conservative. My mom was a stay-at-home mom because she really wanted to take care of her children, and my parents felt like it was really important that we weren't raised by nannies our whole childhood. Even though this decision was eased by some structural concerns (my dad was more educated, was older and already had a fairly stable career when they got together), this never changed their dynamic - my mom was the person who managed most of the house's finances, and they always shared access to their bank account. They were also hardcore hippies who had an open marriage. My mom was heavily judged by others though. Her friends and family, my dad's coworkers, my friends and their parents, always made snarky comments about how she was lazy because she didn't have a job. I heard time and time again my friends at school asking why my mom didn't do anything, while their moms did all the house chores on top of a fulltime job. At the time I felt embarassed, it took a long time until I was able to defend my parents and their decision. It's a real disservice both to women who stay at home and women who balance a 9-5 and housework, and it will continue to be an obstacle to true gender equality.

[@aileencarroll679]

I have been thinking about this for a while. I believe the term Trad wife refers to the relationship between husband & wife whereas a stay at home mom refers to the relationship between parent & child. Both depict a person raising children. However there is a differece and 9/10 the USA versions we see online are reglion based principals which can sometime feel behind the times when the focus is on the caring of husband over the caring of children.

[@aileencarroll679]

I should say as a wife & mother I take care of my husband & my child and my husband takes care of me & our child. ❤

[@emilybender4268]

Great points about families working together!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I want THAT trad wife life...would love to have a little cafe with my family and be together, bit of work here bit of parenting there...beautiful!

[@calypso8436]

I read all the comments about how you really shouldn't leave your job to look after your family because WHAT IF. And I do understand it, it's a valid thought but also, how much do you not trust your relationship? I'm looking after my baby at the moment and I am not sure if I will go back to work outside the home. But even if I don't, I do see it as a very privileged situation (my partner's income is high enough to support us) and as a temporary situation. I will go back to work at some point. I'll also add that my husband and I have a joint account for house expenses and then individual accounts for our own expenses. Maybe I live in a naive bubble, but how do people NOT talk about finances in their marriage?? Money is such a big part of life! It's like that girl that says you should worry when you're dating not when you're married. You definitely should talk about how you share/spend money on shared things before you're married. Do people agree??

[@milliewilson5894]

The best and most levelled take I've heard on this app

[@AngieWords]

I love this video and I appreciate how you didn't shame the homemaker lifestyle! Many takes on Trad Wives quickly show creators' biases towards being a homemaker. It's hard to watch and respect their take. I grew up with a mom who had to work at times but she was a homemaker most of the time. She was so passionate about keeping a home for me and my dad. I saw her show real skill and passion for this type of work, so I respect being a homemaker or stay-at-home mom like I would appreciate someone with an office job. I'm not saying you have to be perfect to be a stay-at-home mom, my mom definitely was wearing pajamas cleaning and we didn't have candle light dinners all the time, but if she had the energy she would try to make everything look grand. That's what she wanted to do. My dad also cooked and would make things from scratch, and I saw her look tired and stressed taking care of us at home but I know she loved doing it. I appreciate how real you were about this topic, but you don't shame it as a lifestyle.

[@Jessie90ish]

Look at you with your cute Snow White vibe. Love it. I’m a SAHM. Always wanted that. Dated my husband for 7 years before getting married. He fully supports the decision and is a very driven person. He knows my work at home is priceless. I’m appreciated and loved. Our boys are his everything. We had a hefty savings before I quit. So I’m beyond confident in the decision. However, I am still aware that I’m screwed if I don’t figure out a way to work part time at some point. Not because my husband will leave me. But just in general. I need to develop a new skill in case of an emergency. But I will always stand by my decision and was willing to take the risk to be there every single day for my children. I could never justify working “in case” something happens. I’d rather be stuck bagging groceries at 50 and know that I got to do my most important work in the early days. To each their own though. Also, I’m annoyed you’re in Ireland. That Jeff Bezos clip made me pee my pants. We would be BFFs. lol

[@mamasrelaxation8612]

I trust that the right thing will align for you at the right time! 💫 You are guided and protected. No need to worry at all 🕊️

[@kmdkiki]

One of the reasons I love your content so much is because you show more “traditional” fem roles, and that is familiar to me. Stuck in the mundanity of life, it is nice to have a little inspiration from someone who is also at times stuck in that same place. And you give us a little inspiration to romanticize the little things. I notice that you state “perceived decline of traditional family values”. Curious if you feel we overestimate a decline in this area?

[@MartinaDonaghy]

I’m just here for the LIPSTICK and MAKEUP - please give us a list of what you use ( I want to buy it all ) 💃🏻

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Lippie is Catrice Scandalous Matte Lipstick 090 Blame The Night I LOVE HER! Clear gloss by Rimmel over the top! The rest of my makeup is ALL Sculpted By Aimee apart from the highlight, which is 'flexitarian' by Colour Pop I've been using it years it's incredible!

[@fidgetykoala]

Super interesting, the thing is that there are so many trends out there, it's pure confusion due to the polarisation of opinions and short lifecycle's trends. However, your pop cult explanation on this one it's super well done. My grandmother was a trad wife (born in 1935 in the south of Italy) completely dependent on my grandfather. She always said to me to build up my own career. That should speak volume. On the other hand, if someone of the younger gens is into this lifestyle that is fine, but if it is just a cosplay for the gram or tt that is a bit sad, people should develop their identity aside those micro trends. Xo

[@millijames]

I think people get triggered by the videos because it makes them feel guilty and or jealous. That’s how I feel anyway, I’m well aware of how awful UPFs are (my mum was banging on about it my whole childhood) but I have no village and my maternity pay is dire, mixed with my husband being also a nurse so out over all income is just enough to pay the bills with a little left over. I want the time and money to make my own food from scratch with organic fresh produce all the time but it’s not possible. At least at the moment with a 3 year old and 3 month old and ridiculous prices for good food. And I hate it.

[@bettinak.4]

To me the trad wife life is not simple life at all. I'm a SAHM, but in our country you can be that for 3 years with each child and get money. Not much, but it's still something. But with no money at all, that sounds horrible to me. We share one account with my husband and all money is our little family's money. Not mine, not his. And when my second child turns 3 I will go back to work. You can have a simple life while working. This works for us, and if anything bad happens, we are covered. We have every kind of insurance, we pay for retirement, and we will both work until we are able to.

[@hannahbradshaw2186]

These people don't understand history. Women have always worked (paid and unpaid). Most didn't have the luxury to not work. And pre-Industrial Revolution, cottage industry was based in the home, so both genders worked from home so to speak. This notion of the trad wife is only relatively recent (19th century onwards) and only a small percentage of the population had the luxury to embody that "ideal". It's also offensive to women in history to define housework as not work. It's bloody hard work that goes under-appreciated.

[@creativereindeer]

Excellent point that we have got ourselves in a tangle thinking the only valuable work is ‘paid and outside the home’. Means we can pay tax on it which contributes to society but what about raising a human with morals and values and knows how to take care of themselves… also contributing to society.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

THIS. Most important part of the video imo. So many genuinely think the 50s = 'traditional'

[@MusikGirl23]

I listened to another KZbin video where girls as young as 7-8 were being taught courses on how to care for babies/toddlers because the parents were all working. Late 1800-early 1900s. The 1950s housewife ideal…yeah, not for me.

[@holbrooke7]

Cosplaying as Betty Draper without understanding her struggle on "Mad Men" kills me.

[@akosari2535]

Dudes, Dudettes, there are two kinds of husbands and wives--you either work IN or you work OUT. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. A man who works IN, is a man that works for himself. A woman who works in is a woman who works for herself. A housewife (or a houseman) may not get paid but if she (or he) did, the hourly wage currently is about $40/hr, also keep in mind that these "content creators" are earning what is called money. Now, if you work OUT, what that means is that you are not your own boss, somebody else is your boss. A farmer (whether man or woman) works IN. A supervisor or a regular worker at a big company works OUT.

[@rosievriesinga5904]

I don’t have children but my job is very stressful so I actually enjoy watching those videos. I also had a job where I basically took care of the houses of elderly people from house to house. It was more like the simple life. Cleaning houses and gardening and having a chat with some tea. I actually get the simple life a lot more. Than working at some high traffic train station working for citizens who are most of the time moody and in a hurry 😂. But also acknowledging the history of the 1950 , like the problematic issues. What I am trying to say is. Work today doesn’t pay enough to have a simple life at home. You almost have no time to be at home and enjoy the simple life because you need to have more and more money with every inflation that is going on. And with being short staffed you also have to do more work without being paid more.

[@charlotteangela1664]

I very much agree here. I think if this is what women choose for themselves then great. And I love the shift towards motherhood more and appreciating that, even though for a lot of people it's not attainable to stay home. However for someone that experienced financial and emotional abuse, I could never be someone like that. I was on maternity leave for 9 months and then a year later spent 6 months unemployed thinking we could survive on my partners money. Which technically we could have. But I never had access to any money or any say in anything. I never had any new clothes even when I needed them, had to do the weeks shop for under £30 meanwhile he was buying expensive trainers and watches. If I asked for more money I was ridiculed and criticised for overspending. If the house wasn't spotless when he got home from work he would shout and say mean things to me. And when I wanted to leave that relationship I had nothing. No money, no car and no way of surviving on my own. I decided to go back to work, despite his objections and then eventually built up enough of my own money to leave. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship for decades with no work history or anything and then having to start again. As much as nobody wants to plan for divorce, I think it's very risky to not have a back up plan.

[@april-kn2vr]

What I dislike about the tiktok trad wives is the absolute disconnect. Feminism is about the choice to be a mother. Not everyone should be or wants to be a mother and we deserve to have the option to rely on ourselves to survive not the good will of some man. And if you want to rely on a man to survive that’s your choice that’s what feminism is about; the opportunity to chose your lifestyle and who you want to be

[@philiplord181]

I felt it necessary to describe tradition. Traditions are established by individuals, that learn new things and future generations decide they are worthy of preservations. So each tradition is tested, by a society of individuals, every generation.

[@hairiseverything]

SUCH AN IMPORTANT POINT that these Women are *making money* (working) by posting this online content, when the "ideal" they're supposedly reaching for wouldn't have worked at all or advertised themselves in that way.

[@sophieirwin3497]

for me, feminism is a choice based on circumstances. Don't shun the working mother, don't shun the stay at home mother, don't shun everything in between. Everyone's set up is different. There's stay at home mums who miss working, there's working mums who miss their babies, and there's mums who love the lifestyle they get weather it's say at home or working

[@Zizalaonfire]

I am a med student and my oarner is already out of school and works as an engineer in an IT firm. He makes a lot more money than i do (i do keep a part time teaching job), so i get money from him. He expressed multiple times, that him being the primary breadwinner does not make me the housewife. I do cook and clean, but its just the amount i would if i lived alone and he helps with nightly cleaning every single day. I feel like these trad wives can forget that a woman can rely on her partner while also pursuing something of her own. She doesnt have to be home maker just because she isnt making the same amount of money. And even as a mum, im sure you can still keep some hobbies and have an outside life. Its really important for people to do somethign that makes sense to them.

[@Loveandlight428]

I personally think that women have every right to experience feminity without being submissive. You can be a homemaker by all means, but also have some means of earning if possible by your side, because you never know what happens to your partner and you need financial aid.

[@ZelB06]

I work full time in a job I like but sometimes balancing life and home and work is really really difficult but I couldn't ever give up work as I saw how much mess it left my mum in when my dad left and I vowed to myself I would never ever take the risk of not working as anything could happen

[@Monica-ke2be]

I'm a 23 year old who has been working for a year now on and off and absolutely hated every single second of it. Being a traditional housewife was one of the best choices that I made in my life even though I have a bachelor's degree and also pursuing my masters degree. Some women love careers but we have to accept that not every woman wants it. I fully rely on my spouse to provide for me but I ask him for allowances of course and also focus on blogging and hobbies that might help me in the future. A man who can't support a family shouldn't have a family. If he needs the aid of his wife then he shouldn't have a child. The woman will be doing wayy too much work in this case. She will carry the child for 9 months, breast feed for several months, and then also have to work?? I would never want to be in any such relationship with a man. No matter what anyone says I don't believe that working in corporate world is a better alternative. So many women get abused and harassed and very low paid compared to men. Working from home is not option for a bunch of women. Starting your own business is not for every woman. These are difficult things.

[@kikiursalone]

Thank you for being so nuanced on this subject, God bless! ❤

[@resatroast8072]

I'm in Germany and people here are NOT making their own bread. It costs a fraction of the cost to buy it here

[@alicsakurai]

Great video :) I totally agree with you. I also just wanted to say I love your make-up (I don't wear make-up much at all but I love this look and would like to try it one day.) and I really love the shirt or dress you're wearing. I'd love to know where you got it. The neckline and colour are beautiful and suit you really well.

[@mally6101]

While I understand that different things work for different people, I can't imagine having none of my own money and depending solely on another person to care for me and my needs as an adult. With my partner and I, it was always so important to us both that we each have our own "fun" (or spending) money. We have a joint account for bills, but everything else is our own. It also allows us to surprise each other with gifts without the surprise being ruined by a shared account lol. I agree with you that if things simply "work out that way" and one ends up being a stay at home parent while the other is a breadwinner, that's fine. But women and girls should always aim to protect themselves in this world today. Have some kind of education and experience. Have your own side hustle and savings. Protect yourself. It doesn't matter how well you think you know your partner, things can always go wrong and it's foolish and naive in my opinion to not acknowledge that. If you don't end up needing it, you can just buy yourself a nice treat instead. It's a win-win!

[@EverDifferent]

There was a time in my life when I desperately wanted to be a trad wife: I married at 21 and moved to US for my husband’s work. Granted, I know my husband since high school and he’s the kindest and the sweetest person in the world, never raised his voice or talked down to me in over 16 years that we are together - and I’m very sensitive to that sht. So those early years of my marriage were gloriously carefree! But then I actually learnt about feminism, grew up, became a responsible adult and got a high income job myself. Now I’m a stay at home mom and a remote software engineer and I’m drowning in burnout, wishing to quit my job to actually enjoy my time with my 5&2yo and make sourdough bread from scratch XD Except that unlike in my late teens/early twenties, I am a solid feminist and blame the hustle culture/capitalism/patriarchy for the disproportionate pressure to do it all, not feminism. From my experience, trad wife ideal is a sign of immaturity and needs intervention/education, so that the wives are aware of all the nuanced consequences and dangers of this life choice. (Lol I was so annoyed with my mom lecturing me on the importance of having a job in a marriage: she was right of course, but at that time I was also escaping her unrealistic expectations and the constant high pressure she had been putting on me throughout my childhood - I just wished to be left alone. But ultimately I did reconsider, though it took a couple years, and am glad I did)

[@rutabaga_ruth5450]

You're right that this is industrialism, capitalism, and patriarchy pushing all of us into increasingly busy lifestyles + keeping domestic work in women's wheelhouse despite the fact that we now compose almost half of the workforce. I think that one of the most dangerous aspects of tradwife messaging is the idea that it's feminism that has made women's lives so stressful/led to the devaluation of domestic work.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

"Blame capitalism not feminism" THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

[@AAKing-d8b]

Your kids are cooked

[@ciloves]

I feel very fortunate. Through my 20s I worked hard and invested my money so now at 33 I’m a stay at home wife and earn from interest and dividends without actively working. My husband pays for everything and is more than happy for me to not work, or work for leisure. I must say that this decision was made milesss easier because I have my own money so if push comes to shove I know we are going to be okay if he ever lost his income source, or things went sour. So without sounding uppity, my advice to anyone younger than me, invest in your future so it gives you freedom to make choices.

[@HereIAm247]

Lets do the math. 24 hours in a day - 8 hours sleep - 1 hour to get ready in the morning (shower, breakfast, getting family ready) - 1 hour transportation to work (some will need less, but many people spend up to an hour each way) - 8 hours work - 1 hour transportation (home) That leaves you with 5 hours to do all the rest - Cooking, eating and cleaning (will usually take at least 1 hour combined, up to 2 if you eat with your family) - Laundry - Exercise or hobby - Socialising, dating, childcare - Any evening routine you might have By the time they are home, most people are too exhausted to do anything. Meaning they cut corners on cooking healthy food, cleaning their home, or even the time taking care of themselves (exercise and personal hygiene). Many people don't have a hobby these days - because they never had the energy to develop one. Netflix and reality becomes their hobby, because that is what they have the energy to handle. Weekends are spent on catching up to housework, socialising or trying to re-charge for the next week. Yes, we have better tools to cook, clean and do laundry, but even if it takes less time, it still takes time and energy. And many people were not taught the skills or habits as children, so they take more time and energy to do. Instead of learning these skills before they needed them. Yes, we have more opportunity to take an education. But it is no longer a guarantee for success, or a high paying job. Educations are now so long that they take up most of your youth, and they are a necessity to be able to compete for an entry level job/get your foot in the door. And since there are many others with the same education as you, it offers very little job security. Yes, how much time and effort you want to spend on your appearance is 100% op to you. But these days, you will be judged if you don't shower on a daily basis, don't smell like a rose garden, and don't look good all the time. Even when you work out, you can't sweat too much, or look too disheveled. As fashion is more and more revealing, you 'need' to remove more and more hair from your body, and have perfect skin all over your body. And not only are you expected to look good - you can't look like you actually spent a lot of time on it. If your are too feminine or girly, you are seen as weak and childish. I am not a tradwife, but I think this is why I kind of understand them. In their own way, it is a rebellion against all the demands of modern life, that can be exhausting. Yes, it resemble playing dress up a lot of the time. But they show the sense of peace and calm that it gives them, and they don't apologize for the effort they put into the food they cook, or the appearance they present. I definitely agree that these women are also risking a lot if their man were to leave them. But I understand their desire to live a simple life, and take care of their family. There is nothing wrong with wanting that.

[@Truthseeker7771000]

The most important thing is stating mentally well an spiritually rooted than caring for kids otherwise someone else will have to do the job

[@annamiotello4118]

Hello Mel! I absolutely agree with pretty much everything you said. My only comment is that, while yes, I do agree that feminism is, among other things, about allowing women to make their own choices, whatever they may be, I think exposing women to all sorts of possible lifestyle/career/educational options IS JUST AS IMPORTANT. For example, if I had a daughter and she decided to adopt a more traditional family setup, I would support her choice (although, if I am honest, I think I would have a hard time understanding), as long as I felt like she really did go out in the world, experience life, got to know herself, understood that she can do anything she chooses to, and then decided that this is what is going to make her happy. The danger sometimes is that women grow up in a society that tells them that their only option is to climb the career ladder til they die, or viceversa, that the only option is to stay at home and raise children. But I must say that the financial risks of being a trad wife are really hard to ignore from my perspective. I really think that being long-term financially independent is super important for anyone, and not just because of infidelity.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

The later part of the video is all about this! Totally agree! xxx

[@user-zy1co9hy9m]

1950’s woman was unhappy and wanted more. thank you for bringing this up!

[@nootnoot-2]

Both my grandma's worked, starting before children and continuing until they retired. One of my grandma's was a travel agent and has been all over the world, and brought one of my uncles with her.

[@SophiaTallulah]

I absolutely love this video. I also look like shit if I’ve made a beautiful meal. I enjoy watching trad wife content but understand it’s just KZbin 🤷🏼‍♀️ nice to have on the background whilst I frantically clean in between tasks 😆

[@davidthompson5020]

I think there is a really big blindspot to how much of the "1950's traditional wife" is a product of advertising, a heavy dose of nostalgia, and a lack of awareness to many of the things that you have pointed out in this video. Has feminism been a cancer that has gotten many things wrong? Certainly. We can also fall off of the horse on the other side, and be woefully ignorant of real issues that are brought up. We can't ignore the abuses.

[@sannecheney-steijger9393]

👏🏻 thanks for this one! I’ve been having this conversation so often lately! ❤ love the topics you pick lately ❤️ your on fire Melanie 😋

[@mypaintinghands4348]

Love that you cover this topic! It's just ridiculous.

[@naheed2023]

I think people have issues with Nara Smith not because they think that's her "real life," but because she explicitly portrays it that way (e.g., "My toddler woke-up wanting cereal this morning, and then waited patiently, quietly, not starving at all for 4 hours while I made them from scratch in my spotless kitchen wearing a face full of makeup and an evening gown"). And it's misleading to the mostly younger audience on TikTok. I want young women and girls to be free to be guided by their own priorities and values in life, whether that means being a stay-at-home partner or working outside the home. I just want them to make informed decisions that consider longterm implications.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

What a lot of people do when making content is re-film something they have done before - a recipe for example! Only, while filming, they make it look presentable and enjoyable to watch (clean room, makeup etc), and I know my daughter under no circumstances will eat first thing when she wakes lol she waits hours before accepting food or expressing hunger 🤷🏻‍♀️ My son wants food immediately. Kids are all so different so I would never assume!

[@ojiverdeconfleco]

I am now a SAHM, and I left work when I was a few weeks away from giving birth during the pandemic. I'm a Psychologist with a post-graduate degree, was working as a professor at university. Sometimes it is a bit jarring to me how different my life was 3 years ago, but I chose to be a SAHM because it is important to me to be here in my kid's younger years, and I'm very privileged (I own our apartment, my husband has a good job and works from home some days, we split house chores pretty evenly, and he's a super involved parent). I love the trad wife aesthetic, I love cooking from scratch and have little DIY projects and fix the house myself. But I also feel like I'm cosplaying as housewife 😂😂 I'm sure I'll go back to work eventually, I just don't want to yet. It's funny that I'm also the first woman in my family to be a SAHM full time, can you believe it? I almost feel guilty about it.

[@that.little.homemaker]

I'm the girl in the thumbnail in the yellow dress! And I can PROMISE you, we're nowhere near rich, I don't have unseen childcare, and I've quite literally only made $26 from tiktok. I agree that some influencers DO make more money, have childcare, whatever. But the generalization is wrong. We live in a small home and my husband makes $50k a year. I get maybe one night of babysitting for my kids a month. Love most of this video, but I just wanted to point that out! 🌸

[@loes6839]

Yeah the '50 where my grandparents just got out of war and my grandmothers didn't have their own money and no way to leave their husband if they would've wanted to and didn't have a say in birth control or having time for themselves. Were forced to live to the rules of the church and must obey their husbands. One of my grandfathers was an alcoholic and cheated a lot, but my grandmother couldn't leave because she was an actual traditional wife. She didn't have her own money and 4 kids. (Actually 5, but one of her twins died after 2 days and was chucked in a garbage bin at the hospital, she was not allowed to talk about it, it was shamefull to have a "dead child" back then, she emotionally struggled with that her whole life and only started to process it in her last year of life) How was she supposed to take care of herself, let alone the taboo of divorce at the time. So she stayed and was bickering with her husband all day every day and grew very resentfull towards him. In his older years he couldn't drink or cheat anymore because he physically couldn't take care of himself anymore, so my grandmother could finally make some choices of her own. Yes they were married for over 60 years, but a long marriage doesn't mean a good one. My other grandmother had to take an older man because a lot of them died in war and my grandfather came back alive. She had 5 kids and took antidepressants for most of her adult life because of the trauma of the war and no way to process that ever because you didn't talk about it back then. (And she's had dementia for the past 10 years because of the antidepressants) Let alone all the social control and judgement from the church community back then. So you had to suffer in silence or tell the priest, who would tell you to just obey your husband. Yeah of course we want that back 😅

[@annatoth9478]

GGGRRRL! Thank you for putting this out! So succinct and perfectly expressed and a wonderfully fleshed out explanation. Thank you thank you!! I hope every woman (and man ) sees this. We are SO in need of community, and it is so critical to raising children. I was so lucky to have my mother living with us when the kiddos were really small. She kept my musical career and sanity alive. I live a lot of traditional realities. My husband makes WAY more than me, I chose to stay home and nurse my babies a long time, and ultimately it wasn't practical or realistic for me to follow my career as much as I had hoped/thought given the many years of hard work I poured into my training as a young person. It wasn't entirely a planned choice, especially as we women are raised to expect we can "do it all". In the end, I tried to keep a finger in the musical pot, and raised my kids with some level of distraction and occasional internal struggle. I think my version of stay at home mother is really common. A highly trained, well education but lower earning partner in a marriage. Life is so much ore complicated than all these ridiculous labels, but we must understand the complexity and see women for the deeply varied people we are.

[@jasveender]

The 1950s trad wife seems to relate to the "western" 1950s ads and tv-shows. My father's experience was seeing his abused sister being marched back by his father to her POS husband. Another aunt stayed with her abusive gambler husband. An uncle abused and then left his wife and child with no support. My grandmother sold homemade food in the village market and became the sole provider when her husband died young, leaving her with 6 small children. My father raised his daughters to be financially independent because of his experiences. My mum is over 70 and still works because she loves it (and the money). So, when someone says traditional wife, I think being forced to live with abuse, having no choice but to stay or you'll be in abject poverty. Also, most of the older women in my extended family worked / still work because they came from poverty - third-world kind of poverty. Staying home full time was not an option when you are dirt poor with 3-4 kids. So yeah, a very different narrative of the "good old days" for my family. This "trad wife" trend seems to reek of entitlement from people who conveniently ignore / forget the lived reality of so many.

[@MsGloomyLamp]

The funny thing was that I cleaned all the way through this video :D

[@sophielorber4571]

Aaah me too, and I didn't even realize

[@corneliahanimann2173]

A good amount of men that are startled by the women that maybe earn more than them and flip the roles that they might be the better caretaker of the kids, don't understand the aspect of being a teamplayer in a family.

[@harleymanifesto1907]

I love how you spoke about the pre industrial revolution. I dislike the 50s obsession because i believe life was so much better for the family preindustrial revolution

[@ryptoll4801]

I'm surprised I'd agree with you so much, tbh. But I think you really hit the nail on the head. That it's totally fine to wanna be a tradwife, or stay at home mom, or any of these iterations, if that's what an individual woman wants. But that doesn't mean that it's right for everyone. It's never been the right thing for me, I shudder at the thought up being up to my ears in dirty dishes and diapers 24/7. I'm just not the nurturing type. I'm more of the aloof artist type of woman. Yes I'd love a husband someday, but I'd want equality, sharing tasks with a man who earns a similar amount of money as I do, and I'm not even sure if I want kids in that picture or not. Maybe a few cats and dogs and a few potted plants is the most amount of live responsibilities I'd enjoy having. But I don't hate tradwives. Their lives is in no way a threat to mine. But sometimes, in some cases, their attitudes are. When they treat the tradwifery in itself like cult they need to drag everyone else into, and shame women like me who really struggle to see how supposedly awesome that life is. I also liked that you brought up the risks of having no backup plan if shit goes wrong with a trad marriage. I does kinda worry me when I see young women throw themselves into their passions with no concern for what could go wrong. I say that as I'm 35, so I know it's easy to get carried away with dreams when you're 20. Of course, you should pursue your dreams. Just be mindful of where that road may take you along the way, and don't just trust that things will sort themselves out. Truth is nothing ever sorts itself out, we sort our own things out... at best.

[@lidiavillazaez]

I was raised Mormon, and always wanted to be a mother (not anymore though). And my mom really instilled in me the importance of education and self sufficiency. She taught me to always be able to stand on my own two feet not as a back up plan because my husband might leave me, but because shit happens in life and being a stay at home mother isn't always possible even if that's what you want. And I think that's a much better way of framing it over just not trusting your partner.

[@DDSmols]

I straight up did not know Nara Smith was basically living the gold standard of a progressive modern day relationship.... Good for her! And her husband and kids! Good for them!

[@KellyDVance]

I am actually in an unusual position. I, the wife and mom, am the bread winner. My husband, who due to many circumstances beyond our control, is a stay-at-home-dad. I am constantly telling him that his contributions to our family are valid. (We are lucky that we also receive family support.) Work to maintain the house is important and should be rewarded. If a person, due to necessity or choice, stays home as a caretaker of the home and family, they should not be invalidated. I think the problem with the trad-wife movement is that it is them selling a fantasy, but not telling their viewers that it is a fantasy. Promoting a lifestyle that is inaccessible to the mass majority of people, while not adhering to it themselves feels like a con job.

[@ILars23]

Loving this style of video you’ve been making! They’re so thoughtful and well-edited, I really enjoy watching them.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Really really happy to hear it! xxx