Why Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Experience Clutter in Their Homes

[@cc1k435]

My clutter has been about never being allowed to declutter without criticism. Cleaning out a closet meant pulling things out of the closet, which would get me an angry, "Why are you making all this mess?" It wasn't worth it, and everything stayed put indefinitely. On occasions he was out of town, I just wanted to sleep, not clear out closets.

[@weaviejeebies]

Yes this 💯 %. In these relationships, you can't do anything without being picked on. You can't relax and have clutter. You can't clean because they're waiting to pick that apart too. You can't start and stop on your own timetable because you either shouldn't be making noise or shouldn't be resting or the cleaners smell too strongly or the trash can is too stinky or name any aspect of it and they'll use it to hate on you. You're damned if you do or if you don't. And if you are lucky enough to find yourself alone for a short time at home, you just want to sleep in peace and catch your breath.

[@jeanaallison7236]

Same. ❤

[@jeanaallison7236]

​@@weaviejeebiesso dang true 😢 ❤

[@casperinsight3524]

Double bind 😣 damned if you damned if you don't They put you in a no win situation They keep you stuck between a rock and a hard place

[@casperinsight3524]

Knowing that their going to criticize you no matter what it becomes easier to do what's best for you. When you start prioritizing your needs first and foremost their needs get left behind, their wants go unfulfilled. Let them look after themselves while you look after you.

[@kathyhartman6586]

Rest after years of stress and processing the abuse and learning about narcissism or other mental issues and trying to keep up with kids and bills and cleaning consumes my time. Plus doing things other people think I should do such as volunteer jobs. Plus dealing with narcs sucks the life it of you leaving you little strength to clean.

[@anju7315]

I buy things just to store them, especially food. My mom used food against me in different ways, but mostly by withholding. I began early on to secretly store away candy and other dry foods, so that I could be sure, I've always something to eat. I do this with other things as well nowadays, but food ist still number 1. I always have to throw most of it away sooner or later, because I never eat it, but it comforts me to know it's there.

[@shinebabyshine.]

woah I relate to this

[@sophiacromwell8017]

Food & clothing…😢

[@MegaRose1958]

This is a great video. It's been two years since I've been out of my Toxic relationship and I am starting to get more organized. The relationship drained me. I am happy that I'm working on decluttering. 😊😊😊

[@spotthenarcissist]

Glad it was helpful!

[@OfSoulAndSin]

Happy for you. I’m almost a year now. I think I’m finally starting to want to declutter.

[@mymelody444-w6j]

Yes living with a narc I always took on their chaos as my own project while my own space was neglected.. as soon as I’d clean a shared space they would mess it up again .. start cooking and leave a mess if you complain they say ur ungrateful because they are cooking for everyone

[@planetmchanic6299]

It's the cortisol/adrenal overload. Get rest, sleep long and get busy.

[@diane5593]

Easier said than done.

[@r3sfernjbb]

@@diane5593 right. I can’t just “get” rest and sleep. Some of us just don’t sleep.

[@sophiacromwell8017]

@@r3sfernjbbYes!! Or we can only sleep “when we’re not supposed to”… so weird 😢

[@ruthiejuarez6911]

Very true I'm going through this. My mind feels all missed up. Living with my narcissistic husband because nothing I do is Right. Always puts me down never says anything nice to me. It's such a hard thing to go through.

[@spotthenarcissist]

Keep going you can do this

[@jeanaallison7236]

Same here. I'm sorry 😢❤

[@wow-sm5pj]

😢😢 when we lived together he throw all the things away i liked, books and lamps and so on. Now living alone is like keeping everything like old newspapers, boxes and so on, because i want the control over the things, what to keep. Now i must learn to throw away. But when somebody comes into my place and says "this newspaper is three years old, you have to throw it away " . I want to keep it even three years more, because it is my decision. And the person telling thus to me can go forever. 😢😢

[@danae-rain3019]

You are only hurting yourself by living in filth.

[@julieholdcroftbetty8520]

I don't think that she said her house was dirty. ​@danae-rain3019

[@Natalia-lq5yn]

Covert narcissist is the worst. My narcissist always mixed dirty and clean clothes, pseudo-help, saying "I helped you", but in reality it was sabotage of my chores to be done, because I nedded to redo everything from the beginning. He did that definitly on purpose, because he never cleaned up his own clothes, always scattered it. But when se saw that I folded clean laundry he always mixed it with the dirty clothes that logically were not folded so he says " I helped you to clean the mess". After you explained and he continue doing it, because he gets it as a working tecnique against you. Or he was saying " I would like to help you,but you don't allow me to do that", because if he does he will throw away the staff that you need on purpose, or doing it the way that you need to re-do, because he is hiding you staff from you or changing its usual place so you can't find anything. And the narsissist will SABOTAGE you on your way to do the chores, because he attacs you exactly in the moment you are about to start doing chores, so you feel drained and need to regulate yourself instead of cleaning the house with that energy. So he is creating clutter himself on purpose, , in order to CREATE STRESS, sensation that you can't succeed even with " simple" chores. In order to make you spend more energy on cleaning, decluttering instead of doing something useful to yourself, in order to overload you and make you to choose between youself , your interests and a chores to be done. If you choose to prioritise yourself, you are attackted for the chores not done. If you do the chores - you're lazy, why don't you go to a gym or take care of your appearance. Another important reason of a clutter is the STINGINESS of the narcissist, because you have to VALUE the staff that you spend a money for, so you can't throw it away, because you don't APPRECIATE HIS EFFORT FOR PROVIDING those resorses. Because it's not a clutter, it's all stuff that proofs his role of providor. You can't throw away broken staff it has to be there like there's no reason to buy a new one because he ALREADY BOUGHT IT " ONCE", so what do you want, to buy a NEW staff, are you crazy, LOOK, WE ALREADY HAVE IT! Then you are blamed that you " only want to spend money!" And so YOU are the reason why he is POOR, he is broke because of you. So he is filling home with a free used stuff , that people gives away, creating clutter, in order not to spend money for purchases, as if he is carring and providing man, and you are messy and clutterred woman. Also you hold to your stuff, because you was attacked for buying it, so it costs you a lot of suffering and you value it more than you should like if you've spend a fortune to have it. Only a person experienced it can understand how it feels and a connection between STINGINESS of an abuser and a clutter.

[@sablechicken]

My Narcissistic step mother would make us clean the house all day on Saturday. When us kids finished she would meanly judge our work and find what we did wrong...most of the time it would end with a beating. So I hate to clean, and find that most of the time I only clean when I feel very angry about something. I have been trying for years to undo the damage this evil woman did to me and my family.

[@spotthenarcissist]

Have you ever wondered why victims of narcissistic abuse often struggle with clutter and disorganization in their homes?

[@maeliosashannon4246]

It's because it's not your home together but their home which your there to manage and maintain... don't dare exist there, and if they let you a single thing in THEIR space, your to be grateful to the Master even if you own it too. Its completely like living with a mental case..... remember, your letting it. So get them out and away from you. Run.. it works.

[@i.a.m.7344]

This channel is so hepful, and terribly underrated. Thanks for the info

[@spotthenarcissist]

I appreciate that!

[@thegreypath1777]

This video is underrated.

[@eleonorabartoli2225]

When you clean and decorate, they accuse or put you down or try to figure how to make you do more for them, orWhen you don't they rage or play the victim. So it is only, always about them, and you become paralyzed.

[@Natalia-lq5yn]

So true!

[@eleonorabartoli2225]

@@Natalia-lq5yn Thank you for telling me, I thought I was the only one!💛

[@Natalia-lq5yn]

@@eleonorabartoli2225 It's impossible to receive result, so there's no point to even try. It's learned helplessness. And people, who can't relate, will never understand, they criticise you, even empatise to a "poor" narcissist , that in reality will never be sattisfied with what you do, so there no point on doing anything. They kill any motivation left. It's about dofamine decifiency, and other hormones dysfunction that they create. Then you compensate, seeking any easy dofamine : eat, go shopping, scroll, etc. 🫂 Just love youself, if you won't do that, then nobody will.

[@dannycolwell8028]

I just can’t summon the motivation to move my body. I’m sleeping on a pile of laundry

[@cherriebrown4348]

As a domestic abuse survivor im the opposite. Nothing can be out of place no clutter for me guys. Tidy house tidy mind. If my chores pile up so does the turmoil in my mind

[@palmolive90]

Same here😢

[@MGTOWPsyche]

The narc leaves clutter everywhere and usually always tolerates chaos and clutter and dirt more than you can, so you always end up having to do the cleaning cause they will never do it. The narc at the same time feels entitled to live in a clean home and will only do some cleaning if people they need to impress are coming over.

[@ronaldlee3537]

Not all narcissists are men, I know quite few women,. For a man dealing with narcissistic women, it is especially daunting because narcissistic people are excellent actors, and can change instantly from aggressor to victim at the drop of a hat, and also because most of family laws either explicitly or implicitly, sides with the woman. The Johnny Depp/Amber Heard case is one of the rare cases where a man prevailed over a woman.

[@annastone5624]

Woman speaking here I totally agree. And even as a woman we feel helpless to defend ourselves from them. They will pull out the oppression card because they are more oppressed than everyone else including victims of violence, sexual abuse.. there’s just no challenging them, they don’t use logic because it’s all BS. .. narcisstic abusers come from all social classes, genders, ethnicities and minorities

[@casperinsight3524]

When they start threatening you Its time to GO

[@warlordstrife6688]

One thing I never see talked about is that Narcissists care very much about their appearance. The clutter was a literal ward because my narc couldn't be seen around it. Good video liked how you included the specialists.

[@lo-ul8nq]

So very True 👍

[@spotthenarcissist]

Glad you can relate

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

I grew up in a narcissistic family background where my property was never respected, my decisions over what I ate or did, or what I wore or what I had or created myself was always out of my control. I was forced to eat food I didn't want to the point it made me vomit. I was told to accept toys I didn't want & denied what I wanted since my own desire or decision making process was always suppressed at all times. When I became a teenager my mother threw away all my possessions without asking me continually & forced me to share a bedroom with my younger sister who was 7 years younger than me, giving my room to au pairs when I was an adolescent. When I got older I got my room back & got a job however whenever I bought anything with my own money my mother would go into my room & take all my clothes away & throw them away without telling me. I was forced to do a fine art degree I didn't even want to do when my tutors told me I should do an academic degree instead. All my artwork was constantly thrown away. Then as I got older my parents enabled a narcissistic male to have a relationship with me because "he had money". They arranged accomodation for him with their neighbour & invited him to dinner parties. When I got my own apartment & moved to a different city he followed me & moved in with me & used to beat me up & break my property then refused to give any of my property back when I moved out. He almost murdered me when I told him I met someone else, so I had to move to a different city again. I had to deal with another guy stalking me & moving in with me against my consent the next place I lived. It took me 7 years to get out of the relationship because I was in fear of what happened to me before. I literally emigrated to Egypt to leave the UK for 6 months to have a break from the UK. Even then, I met a guy in Egypt who wanted to marry me, but then I had not 1 but 3 different "friends" from the UK all appearing like stalkers who all engaged in sabotaging behaviour, trying to manipulate & sabotage my relationship because they were jealous. I ended up my relationship in Egypt failed, I lost a lot of money, had to report the ex "friends" in the UK to the police in the end for stalking & harassment.. now I moved to a different city one of the ex "friends" a guy whose wife divorced him, tried to stalk me here, I had to report him to the police too. The police sent an investigator to interview me, because they said he'd engaged in grooming behaviour & other people told me he'd got involved in trying to smuggle children, saying he was helping refugees.. he'd already tried to coerce me into smuggling eclipse viewers for him in Turkey when I'd said to him, why didn't he just use UPS?? Now I live on my own years later, after ending yet another relationship with a narcissist who continually used intermittent reinforcement to create trauma bonding & gaslighting. He also tried to move in, but I didn't let him. I made the mistake to invite him to share some land with me. Whenever I see him now he acts charming one minute, then the next he starts berating me, telling me I need to be punished. Whenever I've told him I've been a victim of abuse in the past or dealt with stalkers he turns everything around & starts blaming me, telling me I need to be punished. I've only just started doing the research this year to understand how narcissistic abuse operates & how to identify narcissistic individuals. Growing up in a narcissistic coercive family, where I was continually scapegoated & had to deal with violence or my property being destroyed or essentially stolen by those closest to me, & ending up with trust issues. I'm still dealing with insecurity about my property. Hoarding food or hoarding property & finding it difficult to throw out things that are broken that were given to me as gifts but really were just junk people gave me to get rid of. Even on the land I got I invited my ex to share with me, he continually used the shed we share in controlling ways, while trying to triangulate other people against me. He even flirted with the woman on the plot next to mine, before shouting at me like a madman in front of her, saying he didn't have a problem with her, only me, because I needed to be punished, like a total psycho. I've told him I don't want anything to do with him now. I'm totally done with narcissists nowadays & am getting some new land somewhere else now & moving on. I've learnt what I can about narcissism & their manipulative behaviour & psychosis looking for any excuse to vent their need for power & control over others using abuse wherever they go for a lifetime now. Ok better do some cleaning & selling of old clothes.

[@jeanaallison7236]

Mental chaos and depression... I'm NOT blaming HIM but HE DOESN'T HELP....he criticizes me 24/7....even down to cleaning the toilet 😒 I am not doing it right.... OMG help 😓

[@catherinellewelyn-evans3693]

Do people suggest that leaving is the only way to change this? Apologies if it sounds callous but everything I have learned about narcissistic abuse suggests it is the only way…

[@JasmonTP]

So what if it's the narcissist doing the cluttering? Our home looks like a storage area. He deliberately has clutter and filth in the whole house, except my bedroom. We sleep in separate rooms. I think he does it to spite me, make me feel unhappy. It's so horrible that, I don't want family visiting me to see my living condition. I'm 74 and it's not easy finding another place to live.

[@eric.mahoney6158]

Some men are in women's life to destroy them take steal oppress abuse. They have women elsewhere feeding your birth promised life to them and governments military stealing from heaven to give more to the rich. I don't forgive the actions they have done

[@Sunshine777-c7h]

So true said. Thank you.

[@spotthenarcissist]

You are so welcome

[@Daysleeper1000]

Omg I NEEDED THIS. Thank you so much.

[@cyrilambata190]

I always felt that the disarry i felt within me, felt at home with the disarray I normalized in my sight. As I kept proactively continuing to set straight several alignment issues in my household, my better sense of mood and well being, gives me some motivation to do something about the clutter...

[@davidgrigg7398]

You know what it also does?....it makes us not care about anyone or anything after a while and eventually we leave that narcissist and don't even care until they die,then oddly instead of feeling happy about their death it's bittersweet and offers no feelings of satisfaction whatsoever and yes it certainly does cause clutter,it did me that way 😞

[@kathyjovin1066]

Thank you, Kevin Sorbo, not many Hollywood -people would give a hoot about us DV survivors. Thank you for standing up for God in the evilness of Hollywood

[@youngw1ze]

#3 for me....

[@francesbernard2445]

Judging others based on the less important detail choices on how to live their current lifestyle is not a habit of my own like the habit people organizing "Spot the Narcissist" practice.

[@katarzynakaczor9007]

Can you please put the list of films you have used in the vidio? I do not know them all and ibwould like to watch ❤

[@kellidinit3725]

I am 59. I feel seen.

[@kamicrum4408]

Mysoonto be ex, nothing was good enough, he grew up with what he thought was a spotless home( it wasnt,I asked his father& a coupke of aunties). What ever I did was never enough, so why bother& with 3children, it didnt stay clean.

[@richardjohanson612]

Covert Narcissists can be perfectionist!

[@inesborstel5592]

👍👍👍 Thanks!

[@donnaturner]

What are the background movies featured in this please? TIA

[@kimber8160]

It's like they forgot I'm the one organized n here I am just in this deep pool of just clutter but I'm getting further than not doing about it. I am tik toking it so hopefully if someone sees me fighting it by cleaning up n letting gosyne they'll fight back to it's not for pity not for attention or anything else it's because I'd like to see my bef6and afters n giving that to me...not getting my work sniffed out by the world

[@felixlab9951]

looks like all narcs are men.all the women in my life where all narcs

[@Floridafanatic28]

They come in both genders.

[@shreyaindia4024]

Hello.. Love ur videos.. 1 advice..When u r making videos for victims of narc abuse.. Plz dont use photos of Blake Lively.. She is not a "victim"... She triggers many as she is a narc herself... She is being hated majorly... So let's use bettee examples Thanks..

[@angiewilliams8502]

Just curious, do you know her personally?

[@shreyaindia4024]

@@angiewilliams8502 just curious.. Have u seen the data on her.. Also curious.. Every narc goes thru trauma.. So do u sympathise with them.. She has been abusive to ppl and selfish... So u think it is ok ?.. In one side she is abusive.. But ppl like u would like to know her "personally"... And good ppl are good on one side and abusive on another..

[@cc1k435]

It's just that her movie has had a lot of big press lately, no matter how obnoxious she's been through it all. 😮🙄

[@monical.8360]

#1 is bs. #3 was right-on.

[@spotthenarcissist]

How about the other numbers?

[@monical.8360]

​​​​​​​​​​@@spotthenarcissist ok, you asked. #1 is about the inability and instability, not the ability, it's backwards. #2, true. Can't organize your thoughts, hence can't organize your living space. Lack of orderly routine, well-ordered habits, or the continual disruption of them. #4, hoarding? Or is it the inability to organize and utilize what you have because of the continued abuse? Abusers use anger, yelling, threats, violence, etc. to fry your nerves and reduce you to nothing. You walk on eggshells across a landmine with the echoing of trauma, drama and being in fight or flight mode, how can you possibly organize eggshells in a loud landmine?! #5, procrastination, true. #6, true, but not as relevant as described. However, where it is a problem, is in making decisions in areas of your life that were controlled by the narcissist for decades. But that's another topic. #7, undermining and sabotaging - very effective narcissistic tactic. #8, projection. My narc was obsessively organized, but he attempted to project other qualities onto me. It was rather like he was trying to stuff a shoe on my foot that didn't fit. #9, false promises. He made many of those, but he never offered to help, instead he flat out stated he never would help. Then there was the one time he did "help." I was pregnant and we had just moved. He went through the house dumping the contents of the moving boxes into piles on the floor all over the house. The piles had to be moved to put the furniture in the rooms before the piles could be put up. This was after five miscarriages. #10, reprisals, true but not in regards to getting rid of things, but reprisals for making progress. The degree of the reprisals match the degree of progress.

[@Natalia-lq5yn]

​@@monical.8360 Number 10, is so true. Nothing is more triggering to a narcissist than your progress!

[@nevermind1117]

What a bunch of nonsense and pseudo psychology! People who survived abuse (real abuse) simply have no energy to tidy up the clutter. They have so little energy that they can hardly fulfill daily chores. I hate it when the unknowledgeable "psychologists" start creating all these rubbish theories. This is ridiculous and undermining the horrid pain the victims are going through.

[@truthmerchant1]

I remember a psychologist saying I obviously had low self esteem because my shoes were old and scuffed. I was actually homeless at the time as I'd escaped from abuse and those were the only pair of shoes I owned 💀

[@Floridafanatic28]

You're not entirely correct. Yes, it's true I often have zero energy to tidy and clean but when I do he will make a big mess as soon as he is able to. He does promise to help me get rid of some of the crap but when the time comes he doesn't "feel like it right now" so boxes of stuff are sitting in my living room waiting to be taken to Good Will. When I'm trying to declutter he calls me a "hoarder". It's so hard to be productive when someone is standing over you criticizing your attempt to make things cleaner by telling you it's all your fault. It's not always because of lack of energy. It's not all psuedo psychology!