Why We Need to Feel Heard

Though we all long to have our feelings and needs acknowledged, it seems that nothing is more common than for these to be neglected by people around us. We take so little time to listen to one another and to show that we have absorbed what people have told us. As a result, everyone gets increasingly angry and - deep inside - sad. The answer is to make the art of listening a global priority.
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FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/2BGovin
“One of our deepest longings - deeper than we even perhaps recognise day to to day - is that other people should acknowledge certain of our feelings. We want that - at key moments - our sufferings should be understood, our anxieties noticed and our sadness lent legitimacy. We don’t want others necessarily to agree with all our feelings, but what we crave is that they at least validate them. When we are furious, we want another person to say: I can see that you’ve been driven to distraction. It must feel very chaotic for you inside right now for you. When we are sad, we want someone to say: I know you’re unusually down and I understand the reasons why. And when we can’t take it all any more, we want someone gently to say: It’s been too much for you; I recognise that so well; of course it has…”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Jesse Collett
www.jessecollett.co.uk/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Vale Productions
www.valeproductions.co.uk/

[@QuestionEverythingButWHY]

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey

[@leebode4643]

51% of every social interaction in history was carefully documented and analyzed in order to come to that conclusion.

[@testaccount603]

Lee Bode yup 51% of people are democrat voters so makes sense

[@kamikan22]

Yes maybe, but you are not correct because my *intelligent response* is better

[@69LOLIN]

Very true! 😢😢😢

[@Icanfigureitoutintime]

Ton of bricks

[@tobe7390]

Not being heard during childhood and one's teenage years, may lead to many insecurities as an adult, one of which is the feeling of unworthiness and lack of self esteem.

[@HelgaCavoli]

I hear you. :) I know the feeling too. Harsh, isn't it?! Thank goodness for such an KZbin channel here and now. We can still save something of ourselves.

[@wmdkitty]

Can confirm.

[@Sal3600]

Rule no. 1: Don't feel sorry for yourself.

[@evelyne.u]

Yes indeed!

[@scarletpimpernelagain9124]

Sal3600 Rule No 1, don’t crap on people who are brave enough to show their vulnerabilities, you will never build genuine support networks and should depression strike you’ll be dealing with it alone. Good luck with that.

[@NotYoAverageKid]

I'm glad there are things like this available. If there wasn't, I don't know where my mental health would of been by now.

[@AndreyZenperial]

This is the period of time when a lot of things will be decided, it’s a chance for you William to either level up or fall into depression/challenges with mental health. Stay strong brother🙏🏻

[@Baaiim]

I wholeheartedly agree

[@405OKCShiningOn]

SOL moved me forward. youtube has helpedme so much. I came here as a troubled drunk and today Im just troubled. via pple here and elsewhere I took the step into NLP. vortex success and mindsinunison youtube

[@kittenmimi5326]

@@rural_girl555 then how are you in this video right now?

[@emilyannamanda]

Agreed bby

[@johndonaldson3619]

The most unavailable commodity in today's world is a genuine listener

[@norbidrake]

This is gold, one piece is missing though. That need, craving of being heard and understood is originated in a childhood, so the real solution is to reparent ourselves. When we feel needy of being heard, the best way is to find that wounded inner child part and listen to it and give it all what was needed.

[@cleolikesguitar]

Should be higher up

[@dani28325]

Well said 🙌🏼

[@FedJimSmith]

Wait for Luffy to find it

[@calebransom9253]

I like this a lot!

[@Sincebrassnorstone]

Yes this!❤🦋🙏

[@danielh6559]

Great timing, This is the exact problem i'm having right now.

[@maimai.1]

Same. I feel like school of life is following me around.

[@gracefitzgerald2227]

It’s nice to hear the phrase “how are you?” It’s also nice listening to a friend prattling on about her new kitten. SOL are psychics.

[@adilfmir]

@@maimai.1 Aint that the truth!

[@Austin-ff3nt]

@@maimai.1 seriously though same

[@byob7728]

Same bro

[@ziksy6460]

"That's rough, buddy." - Zuko Be like Zuko.

[@yoyoyo5621]

I learned a good way to do is just ask questions...like when someone starts talking about some unpleasant feeling I just ask What happened? How are you feeling? How are you doing? What are you gonna do? Then I just listen to their answers.. People can usually work things out by themselves they just need a listening ear

[@Yohannai]

Showing you're interested and you care is the most soothing thing I can think of when I need to be heard, it allows all the bad things to drain out and go a bit further into the past. I can get past what happened because I told someone and they heard. Thanks for putting to words the last part of this I felt was missing a bit

[@RontschDaPontsch]

Exactly!!! :D

[@realiereal7925]

Dude you're basically a therapist lol

[@abdul-ghaniysacdy557]

@Yo yoyo I actually managed to help a grieving person who had lost a loved one by this simple technique

[@vivvy_0]

when you are always the person who does that but it never happens in return, so so frustrating :(

[@sauravnanda8725]

Is it just me or this episode just summed up my life of running after people to make them listen and their reaction makes us sick to our stomach because they couldn't just adhere to this simple empathy. If only more people could understand the simple joy that can bring us by just listening and not judge us for a second to the words we say

[@vivekamar99]

True. All that people want is their feelings to be validated, which of course is not the same as agreeing with their point of view.

[@redconvoy]

@@vivekamar99 I have a problem with people with the "it's either my way or the highway" attitude and they won't listen to another point of view. They won't engage in intelligent debate. The only person I could talk to and have an intelligent conversation with is my mother!

[@testaccount603]

Oh bore off it you attention seeker! I’m really fed up of arrogant narcissists in the comments of every video making the video about them, this video is not about you, the world doesn’t revolve around you, tbh the world does not care about any of us as individuals, so stop giving a F about what people think and trying to change them with to YOUR view of the universe and YOUR view of empathy and morals, we get it you’re WOKE and VIRTUOUS. Honestly some people are sick in the head... drives me nuts

[@testaccount603]

redconvoy that’s because you’ve got an IQ only a mother could be proud of, most people don’t waste their time on idiots

[@vivekamar99]

@@redconvoy I get you. Most people listen, not to understand, but to argue unnecessarily

[@MaybeLily1234]

I always used to wonder why affirmation or reassurance is a huge part of my love language- growing up my parents did their utmost best to ignore my feelings, or tell me I'm being too gloomy or what i'm worried about didn't matter. I know its just what they know but I hope i can take these lessons I learnt from my own life and be better for my [future] kids.

[@kairomain]

*Who else dropped everything to watch this?* _i should probably pick up my cousin now.._

[@kindlyathena416]

Lol yes! I need to make my kids breakfast

[@ivorycooked]

Lol me too

[@EmperorMagnaGreymon3]

You nasty dawg!! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[@kriyaprashant4141]

😂🤣😂🤣😂

[@TheSherita2727]

Had to listen a couple of times

[@PatriotMommy]

I've always tried to offer advice or help to someone when they are confiding in me or venting. I've recently realized that I cannot always fix their problems and maybe that isn't even what they are asking me to do but instead to just listen to what they have to say without adding my 2¢.

[@MaxMckayful]

Here's I lesson I've found that's even harder ... I've found that sometimes I actually CAN see a way to perhaps fix their problems. But if I try to force it on them, that's aggressive. People sometimes want to be heard even more than they want help. If I listen FIRST, then ask if they want help, they're more likely to say yes. And then engage happily with my help. The other component - we can almost never say 100% what will fix something for someone. Maybe we can have a 99% certainty. But we don't know their situation. For example... A boat is capsizing. In the race to the lifeboats, there's only one spot left and man shoves his wife out of the way to grab the last seat. May be natural to assume the man is selfish. Then, you're told that the wife has a degenerative disease and will die within two weeks. There is a child at home. The wife is thankful the husband will survive to return to the child. We do not 100% know what others are going through. Listening is how we find out. Listening makes others feel better. It's a non-arrogant form of help. Once people feel heard, they'll be more receptive to hearing our ideas for how to help fix the problem.

[@charitygoldart]

Great realisation!

[@PatriotMommy]

@@MaxMckayful thank you, asking if they would like our help,is very useful advice I will definitely use. It was my children who has helped me learn to just listen. As a Mother, my first instinct is to help them solve their dilemma or problem. Talking to my daughter one night, I came to realization that my opinion or advice was not what she had really wanted or asked from me. She just wanted to be heard. I have to be honest it can be hard to do, because most of us, our first instincts is that we want to help others. We have to realize that we are helping by listening.

[@eduardochavacano]

Exactly... especially when the only advice one can give is Pray to Jesus or Zeus.

[@MaxMckayful]

​@@PatriotMommy My world view (others can disagree) is this... 1) We have no right to define what helps looks like for others. This is tricky in parenting, because we have to define help for babies/infants/toddlers. Beyond that, all people, even children, have a right to a level of self-autonomy in what help looks like to them. 2) It feels awful to watch people suffer. It feels awful to think you can help. It feels awful to have that help refused. It feels awful to have one's definition of help rejected. Two things about #2. It is valid to have those feelings. It is also disrespectful to force our version of help onto others, without asking, to help ease our feelings of discomfort. Care is natural. We do not have a right to fix others just because we care about them. The way to fix others is to let go of control, ask others how they want to be fixed, if they even do, and then negotiate what help looks like that is mutually and authentically agreed to. It requires the humility and vulnerability to let go of trying to control the situation. And to trust the other person to respond to your care openly. When open care is responded to defensively, it hurts. We were open and the other person wounded us. It's SCARY to be open. Open risks rejection. So controlling and closed feels safer. But that ironically simply pushes each of us further apart and makes the other person want to open up even less.

[@citizen-of-wonderland9934]

I can tell I've been starved for emotional intimacy because I started sobbing when the narrator said "it's all been too much for you, hasn't it?"

[@kevinhung1575]

This video is so amazingly true. When you don’t acknowledge people’s issues and just ignore them or push them away, it will only build up and cause them to become more bitter and angry. Sometimes people just need to be heard and acknowledged. Many a times I’ve talk about issues of depression, anxiety, and anger and people would just tell me to “stop complaining”, “man up”, “quit whining”. It gets so frustrating and it build up to a boiling point then I snap. This video needs to be shown to everyone.

[@mihirkardile6676]

I've had this "problem" of not being heard for as long as I can remember myself existing. And so, I turned to creating stuff and fell in love with it as it provided me with an outlet to all my emotions. I went on to fall in love with Design and Motion Graphics and I used that passion to do both - express myself and turn it into my livelihood. I've been working since the age of 16. Now (I'm 20), I've started to notice a pattern - I turn to my art every single time I've felt unheard and alone. People often call it "hustle" or "grind" or "ruthlessly driven" and while that may be a good thing at some level, underneath it all is nothing but this void I'm trying to fill. And isn't that what everyone does? "Dreams?" Burying myself in work to turn away from the fact that nobody's listening to me. Telling myself "I'm going to prove everyone wrong" and "I'm gonna have a bigger life" Isn't it all just an attempt to fill a void inside us? I don't know man - this has been eating me up inside and has been making me feel guilty for the "hustling" I do. But creating is the only thing that keeps me at peace. Edit: just realized this comment was me expressing myself in the comments section full of strangers trying to be heard. Well, if you did, thank you. And you're feeling this too, know you're not alone.

[@missherrera7018]

That's a beautiful thing you said, creating a big life to fill the void we feel inside. Sometimes I feel like that, like I have to make something grand of my life to make up for the space I'm taking up and to fill my life to avoid the emptiness I feel inside. Sometimes I get tired of trying to create beautiful things, I just want to be happy. I hope you find someone that listens to you properly.

[@SalamiSelimbo]

Thank you for sharing ❤❤

[@anrod185]

I hear you. I hustle to distract from loneliness

[@silverstar501]

I've always considered myself a good listener. But somehow I've never felt being heard / listened. A lot of people think I'm their best friends while I don't think I have any best friend. I feel like I've not talked about my feelings for so long that I'm not capable to do so anymore...

[@cielleelle9237]

this hit me

[@longstockings]

I have the same experience. When it gets really bad, I start talking about my feellings to myself. Maybe we should talk to each other

[@puntakinte2049]

often time in life, the people we help are never the ones who will help us back. Also, It may be time for you to so a spring cleaning of your friendship/acquaintances. There is no point to carry on with people who you do not gain anything from.

[@bogwitch2792]

@@puntakinte2049 (As well as OP) Do your friends simply not return the favour of listening? Or do you feel like you need more or less explicit permission to share your feelings, so you wait and wait and wait? For myself, I've had to learn that to feel seen and cared about, I have to allow others the opportunity to do so. I realised I was (and still sometimes am) waiting for others to magically know what I need without me saying anything - sometimes even while simultaneously trying to convince them of the opposite... Because opening up means there is a risk of rejection. Not everyone will ask, for various reasons, but that doesn't mean they don't care :-) Go ahead, try it! Hopefully then it will be clear which people are worth keeping in your life, and which aren't. Hope that didn't come across as too dismissive xx

[@anas4754]

I hear you. I have the same problem. So many people are being very grateful to me because I "saved them" with my time, attention and kind words but I can't say the same for anyone.

[@darena6982]

sadly, we don't always have someone by our side who is willing to listen and understand us in such a way. i have personally struggled a lot with this in the past and this is what helped me: write it out. get a piece of paper, a pen and just brain dump. it doesn't need to be a structured text - just anything that helps you visualise your feelings. words, doodles, scribbles, anything really. put your emotions into that paper. after you're done writing, burn it. this will also get rid of the anxiety that another person might see it without your consent. most importantly, be patient. someone who is willing to listen and truly understand you will eventually come into your life, i promise.

[@JamzSlime]

Summary: Don’t invalidate what others feel

[@kittenmimi5326]

Solution: repeat their feelings back to them "I understand that you are feeling ___"

[@Kazmistrz1993]

What if they communicate it in an aggressive, contemptful, disrespectful way though?

[@JamzSlime]

@@Kazmistrz1993 ngl I forgot what the video was about 💀

[@JamzSlime]

@@Kazmistrz1993 oh then tbh I would confront them about their behaviour, if it doesn't change I'd just slowly detach

[@Nasima1368]

@@Kazmistrz1993although the way they are communicating it is not good they are still hurt and need to be heard. If they feel that someone understands them they will stop the behavior. Shutting the behavior without addressing what lead to the behavior( which is not being heard in the first place) is not helpful.

[@nadahashim6632]

I teared up when i heared the parent/child conversation 😢

[@caroliner2029]

I cry at every video that describes dynamics in childhood.

[@ziksy6460]

I remember highschool being particularly taxing on my mental health. But I had this teacher that till this day is still one of my favourite people that I've ever met. At the time I jokingly referred to her as my psychotherapist. She wasn't even the school counselor or anything, she was just the Art teacher. But she would always listen to me talk about my personal problems whenever she had time. Looking back, I don't think she offered any particularly groundbreaking advice. But what she did was acknowledge my problems. She was very sympathetic and always said it's normal that I was feeling what I felt. I used to think that I had no excuse to have any mental health issues. My childhood was easy and I had parents who cared deeply about me. But as I grow up I start to see their flaws more and more. And I know they did their best, but nonetheless I could link some of the problems I have now to them. Till this day I always find myself concealing my emotions around them. It's as if something in me has been conditioned to not even try to solicit any meaningful emotional support from them. I guess that's why I liked the company of my Art teacher so much.

[@passthegrass1563]

You know. I'm really happy whenever I get reminded that there's others facing the same issues I am. It shows I'm not alone. And that I'm human.

[@trendingasmr]

As a black American during this time this video would be tremendously beneficial for everyone to watch. I don't think that my community has an intent to create violence in upheaval. But there is a definite need to not only be heard but empathize with. And have policies that recognize that empathy. Recognize that it is frightening for us to find out we are pregnant with boys oh, it is scary for us to see a cop while driving we all have palpitations when it occurs. To know that we are last picked in a resume run up based off of our name. Or someone in power to recognize these everyday simple struggles as emotionally overwhelming and towering to our ability to function in the day to day Manor. That's inciting the need for overwhelming coping skills that get drained after so many decades of underlined daily racial stress

[@jeffepstein908]

I thought of this too...I was thinking how weird it was that KZbin would show me this video "at this time"...but dang, everybody right now needs to see it!

[@gloriaaustin5000]

Funny that’s what I was thinking too. I’ve just been listening to ‘Crucial Conversations’ and ‘Difficult Conversations’ to improve my communication style as I tend to clam up and then explode like a pressure cooker. We need to be learning this stuff in schools. Xxx

[@AH-px4rl]

gloria austin I’ve been “reading” nonviolent communication as an audiobook on KZbin. I’d recommend checking that out as well it’s 5 hrs long

[@NixButtons]

That's my biggest childhood trauma... my feelings and opinions not being acknowledged. When I have nightmares they always involve being ignored, not being heard!

[@spicybiscuit88]

This is such a good one, thank you. I was parented (legally, anyway) by two highly narcissistic people. I think that the fact that my feelings were never acknowledged, validated, or cared about was probably one of the most damaging things I went through.

[@BusinessMadhouse]

That's very well said. Everyone wishes to feel validated and that actually gives them a sense of satisfaction. For example when we make a video, if someone validates it if not compliments, that in itself gives us a mental boost.

[@khalidsayid2801]

His responses in the examples are so comfortable that I needed a hug after hearing them :(

[@sonokanda9436]

You’ve just cut my anxiety in half. Thank you so much. I haven’t cried in 16 years.

[@MaxMckayful]

----- The Assertive Game Plan for Seeking A Listening Ear From Others ----- 1) Be assertive. Entering into a conversation, there is a level of self-responsibility to be introspective, figure out core needs, and ask. It's not a demand, it's an ask. (wants v. needs is a topic to also discuss). 2) If anything other than empathy/assertive is what comes back your way, put the empathy shield up. If the other person is in a defensive state (passive or aggressive or avoidant) know that your ask will not be authentically acknowledged. May be acknowledged resentfully, but not authentically. From this point forward there is almost zero chance of getting your need to be heard met. At this point, you have three (well, four) options... A) Have empathy yourself for the other person. I have a whole other game plan for how to diffuse defensiveness and find their inner vulnerability (it's a combination of assertiveness + empathy). If you have the authentic energy and genuinely feel like helping, implement this plan. Critically, know that even if you heal their need to be heard, they STILL might not listen to you. Which totally sucks. At the very least though, they might give you an empathetic reply as to why they aren't up for helping you. And there is hope that your empathy will result in empathy coming back your way. Especially if it's just a bit of listening the other person needed and not a monumental amount of listening. B) Avoid. Abandon seeking a listening ear from this person. Try and find it somewhere else. Walk away in a wise mind knowing the other person would help if they can. Were in a bad state. And that sucks for both of you. C) In powerless situations, retreat into self-defense. Be passive or aggressive yourself. Do so in control knowing you were forced to and are making the choice to tolerate as best you can. Know that the defensiveness of other is likely not about you but you are being forced to deal with the fallout. It sucks and is miserable. At this point we can only cope, try to seek support elsewhere, and do our best to get away from the powerlessness. D) Feel triggered (which happens sometimes). The wise mind departs and you descend into uncontrolled defensiveness. It happens and it's understandable. It may feel empowering, but it's a false, inflated ego high. You're still not getting what you really wanted, which was to feel heard. Ironically, you now need to be validated even more - the validation of how bad it felt having your ask rejected. Too much rejection is where we all fall down into bitter defensiveness, which means we also act defensive toward others. This spreads bitterness out like a virus. Continual denying of the needs of others, which fuels even more denying of others. A negative feedback loop of misery. ----- A Final Note of Hope ----- If a person is relieved of pain and feeling satiated in other needs, they will almost always respond with a level of empathy toward respectful asks from another. They may assertively say no, and even then in a wise mind will express empathetic understanding of why a no can be painful. As we listen to others, it becomes a positive feedback loop. The more others feel heard, the more they feel able and willing to be good listeners and validators of others.

[@Joshits]

School never taught us this. This is so important, yet so misunderstood or yet to be put into importance. I wish that everyone would be just self aware - able to manage one’s and everyone’s emotions. We’d be more happy, in peace and in harmony with everyone

[@eldonscott9]

Someone mentioned that they just ask questions because they want to be a listening ear and I'm positive that there's a perfect situation to do that. But it's more subtle then that. The video demonstrates ways to ACKNOWLEDGE a persons experience. Asking a series of questions can have an adverse affect on someones emotions, you can interrupt their subjective flow of expression. I don't want to be questioned, although it's nice to know someone else's mind might have questions, I want to be heard and seen, not manipulated with questions so I can see what a listening ear they have. Asking questions can be the perfect way to intellectualize and actually avoid listening with your heart. I'd rather be sat with and not questioned seeing that the one I am with is present with me. It's called relating.

[@ananya.a04]

This channel gets so many things right that I sometimes can't express in words how overwhelmed I feel when I see my problems being reflected in videos. Thank you The School Of Life, you are a wonderful teacher.

[@UmamaGoblin]

School of life: childhood Me: here we go...

[@Inerize]

*That's why it is very important to learn how to listen as well, without judgments and opinions!*

[@bagaloocar1599]

this is actually a big root of my problems now that i think about it. And i have friends who struggle with the same issues :) i feel like i can help my friends who struggle now! THANK YOU. I always struggle when my friends tell me their feelings and my responses arent like this, and i never end up helping them. I will validate the ppl i love now :)

[@ZainabMuhammad1]

"Most of us, once we have been heard become far less rather than far more inclined to insist on the feelings we are beset by"

[@CherylMuir]

"It's not that they don't care. It's that they don't appreciate that true care involves regularly reflecting a child's moods back to him or her, rather than subtly pushing the moods away or denying that they exist." 👏👏👏

[@Jewellab0113]

I needed this video, thought I was going crazy for feeling upset that no one was listening to me all day at work 😪

[@sarahm5872]

This video explains so much, thank you! As someone who's highly sensitive it can be hella lonely and people who are close to me don't generally understand or seem to care. Much love to you

[@ktpuss]

“We become bullies when no-one’s listened, never when someone’s listened too much”....Nail on the head for me I think! I have been really struggling to make myself heard and listened to by a difficult parent - final straw came only yesterday when they repeatedly ignored my answers (yet again). They interrupted me saying they didn’t care that they were just repeating themselves and we’re going round in circles and they conclude that I’m just a bully towards them. I’m feeling so awful that they won’t take in our previous conversations and agreements, it’s like I don’t matter and they still treat me like a child when I’m now 50 years old. I still end up going back most days running errands etc but feel like it’s never enough and they’re never happy 😕

[@anrod185]

This sounds very frustrating for you

[@EtienneLapha]

For a second there I read 'Why We Need to Feel Hard"

[@9kaart]

You are not alone

[@Ratatoothie]

I saw it too.

[@kristina_puvaca]

Saame xD

[@HarryMasen]

Guys ! We need to meet ! We could create a superheroes' council!

[@kriyaprashant4141]

Same....its creepy...

[@fernandogomezdelatorre3296]

Sometimes we also need to express ourselves better in order for the other person to truly understand how we feel, it's very difficult to empathize with someone when you are not feeling what they are at the moment :)

[@dopedreamz]

Fernando Gomez de la Torre oh this is so true... Really makes me evaluate how I'm presenting myself. My offense may be in part my own.

[@davidkinoti4051]

Maybe they did express themselves in a 'better' format that you'd prefer but were still not heard

[@apostateturtle1960]

Oh my god. I work in a daycare and I can't believe I'm just now learning this. I watched this video last night and I've been validating kids all day and it's going AMAZING. A 2-year-old fell outside and scraped his hand and cried. Another teacher yelled at him to stop crying. I got a wet wipe and wiped his hand and said "Yeah, that probably stings. This used to happen to me all the time when I was a kid. You'll be okay though!" He stopped crying soooo much faster than he would have if I'd just assured him he was fine with no validation. The other teachers think I'm a bleeding heart and they're getting pissed but I don't care. Maybe they'll start doing it too eventually

[@bostonpeterson3800]

Something I absolute hate hearing from people is when I talk about how I’m going through a tough time and I just hear “Just hang in there”. Like yes, thank you I know it’ll be over one day. But I just want someone to say “Yes, i can see that. I understand”

[@mstenson4]

This video speaks to exactly me and I'm sure many of you as well. Whoever is reading this, know your voice deserves to be heard and your feelings matter. I hope you find someone who listens and cares for you in the way you deserve to

[@DianaSRice-iu7yk]

Short, sweet and to the point! I will be utilizing this video in my practice. Thank you!

[@maaniekgupta2787]

This channel on youtube is seriously a gift to mankind

[@juliascinto]

School of Life should win an award for Best Timed Video Drops.

[@TessaForrester]

This has been the most helpful video from School of Life. I just had an aha on understanding my needs (it's always childhood isn't it lol), and also a huge but simple lesson on how to be a better listener and help children feel secure and validated. Thank you.

[@luisterrust]

Your voice is the biggest gift you’ve ever received ❤️💪🏼🌟

[@ElizabethHancock]

I recognize where people may feel they need to be heard in order to release fears or frustrations. This is an appropriate expectation in childhood, if you want to help raise psychologically sound human beings. However, if we continue the expectation of needing to be validated into adulthood, we are using other people's acknowledgement of us as a means of feeling accepting of the 'self. This is not good. As a long time meditator, I have discovered that this need fulfillment from others is just another door to suffering. Suffering because you are putting your peace and happiness outside of you and in the hands of someone else. True freedom from suffering comes through acknowledging that all suffering is self-created. Only you can stop your negative thoughts by questioning them. When you do this, you discover your sadness is based on beliefs; beliefs that things should be different. But reality and the present moment is what it is. That is why meditation not only brings one to acceptance of the present moment, but also experiencially allows you to see you are not your mind, your thoughts, or your emotions. When you come to this awareness, the need to constantly feel validated by others naturally dissolves.

[@OO0RI]

I feel like an underlying cause of all gen z’s uncared for mental health issues - I do not say this as if all other generations do not have them, but gen z is growing up or starting new lives during this time and our mental health issues are on a much larger scale in our population than other generations - is because of the point brought up of how parents should reflect their emotions with their children. For example, when I was younger and reflected my emotions, I was faced with the “why are you sad, there is nothing to be sad about” kind of response for most times. This kind of younger upbringing caused me to no longer engage with this conversations, as they were something I no longer endured and they made me feel as if my issues were dismissed. I know I’m not the only one here, right?

[@barbarak2836]

I am considerably older than you, and I assure you, it has nothing to do with your generation. Mental health issues are somewhat more understood and accepted, but there are not more of them now. They just weren't as commonly named or labeled at one time.

[@rodsmade]

i don't know that most parents would open up for a child that is offering listening and understanding... however I believe the less i sae my parents as parents and more as potential friends, or just fellow human beings really, this helped me loads to soothe myself and look for my own healing. As weird as it might sound. Parents have aldo been a child and as so,neglected, hurt or wronged. And we can only help others when we feel ready and strong to. As a gen Y this is my attempt at advising younger generations: face the task of looking inwards, and the task of looking outwards will become less harrowing. Good luck! Hope you find the understanding you rightly need among friends and peers!

[@barbarak2836]

@Alisa Kokorovic Some people are so addicted to their phones that they don't seem to interact with others as much as they should. It's easier to stare at a screen, I guess.

[@janacado]

whenever i face a problem i come here to search for it, not for solutions but to understand it more. thank you very much the school of life you’ve been a great help

[@harisahmad2323]

It's really a pleasure to find such sincere,calm and soothing comment section on KZbin....Lots of love from me to all

[@anas4754]

This is exactly why I started feeling very distant from all of my very good friends. I noticed I was never getting any emotional support when I complained I was having a very hard time about something. "You shouldn't be feeling like that", "At least you have relationship", "Why are you complaining when you moved to richer country", when I only needed one hug.

[@jaipanesar6027]

On the flip side, I’ve had friends complaining about their partners at a time when I was dying of loneliness because I didn’t have a relationship. I used to think, ‘I would give anything to even have a relationship to complain to my friends about’. Just something to consider..that maybe they also needed emotional support or a hug from you

[@zacththeaveragegamer9271]

Sometimes, Its hard to describe the feeling we felt to others. Dont why but i rather keep quite rather than being replied with a no-point advice.

[@jase3289]

It’s amazing how some of these videos are so timely and have a big impact on my life. Thank you The School of Life

[@nielsvandestolpe1911]

I want to thank you for your way of serving others by helping them. All your videos changed my life in positive ways. Thank you! Niels

[@suenorwood-evans9724]

The first time I was listened to was in therapy as an adult - it changed my life!

[@pauljsm]

I am beyond thankful to TSOL! ❤

[@TolentinoTian]

This answered my question - why we need validation. Thanks!

[@Na-nr2bl]

I feel like this is really at the core of what matters to us in life. Thank you school of life for always giving shape to these core values so eloquently. I've continually been centered by watching these videos these past years and now I've decided that I want to become a psychotherapist. I can confidently say that I wouldn't have become the person I am today without the school of life. Thank you for the truly nourishing contents always, and sending love and support from Japan!

[@theschooloflifetv]

What bits of your experience do you feel people around you have a hard time properly 'hearing'? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to subscribe to the channel and turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss our next film and become a channel member here: kzbin.info/door/7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBogjoin

[@TIOLIOfficial]

3:50 & 3:56 - "We become bullies when no one’s listened, never because they listened too much".

[@xarialunar]

No matter how many times, I said exactly what I needed to hear, validation, I never receive it. I just need validation, that’s all, I’ve repeated it so many times, but my needs are just ignored.

[@ian3166]

As I watched this, I got sad. I almost always do with these videos. I want to understand what I could do better in relationships, but I find myself thinking about how no one else has seemed to return the favor. I can't keep conversations going for the life of me unless it's something I'm extremely interested in, so I watch to try to see what I'm missing. As far as I can tell, it's people to "practice" with in the first place.

[@toni2309]

I kind of feel a similar way about conversations. I later found out that being neurodivergent was what was making conversations so hard for me.

[@illadelagos8770]

This is more serious than it sounds, my Moms denials of my negative emotions was factor in my having CPTSD because she would get so panicked at any trace of me not being well, so I spent my whole life shut down so I would never feel the emotions that she wasn't able to handle.

[@caroliner2029]

I feel for you 💔 That's exactly how it was for me with my Narcissist mother. I learned to dissociate from my feelings and focus on hers to keep her 'stable' and try not to detonate her screaming rage explosions, which were on a hair trigger.

[@MrKoga-ee1lv]

As an elementary school teacher, husband, and father, this video was so informative and useful! I feel like I have to rewatch this a thousand times to really change my behavior patterns but the seed that this video planted is definitely in my mind and heart. Keep it up!

[@PracticalInspiration]

A really valuable lesson, by not showing understanding or reflecting their thoughts and feelings, we naturally create a point of conflict, rather than productive output. Really good share

[@arindam1249]

I was recently watching TED Talks on the art of listening. This video adds enough understanding that I can't wait to apply listening and understanding in real life.

[@darvsq6142]

I just recently met a new friend that listens to me then answer my questions. She doesn't seem to realize how it makes me feel comfortable. I appreciate her listening to me, because this video just sum up my childhood too.

[@bella3096]

Thank you school of life. 💜

[@yasmeensultan2264]

The school of life teaches me so much more than I ever learn in my daily life

[@missautumn91]

Always the listener, the one you call for advice but never get the same in return. Until you blow up because you can't take it anymore and then everyone is shocked. Even though you expressed several times the frustration. This is a big pattern in my life that I'm trying to break.

[@puntakinte2049]

Best lesson ever, know on whom to spend your energy and put some barriers.

[@ilosheher]

beautifully phrased and thought out. thank you

[@shre9]

This was so eye opening. Thank you so much ❤️❤️ really grateful

[@pancholopezpaz]

I understand very well this video. I think the first person with whom I felt heard was my therapist. She always takes it I feel heard, and I think thanks to her listening to me, I have now a bit more capacity to acknowledge when my friends tell me they are suffering rather than just tell them.

[@peterdalton7959]

Thank you so much! It was very helpful in my life today.

[@gato8008]

Man this is uploaded on my birthday and I have been thinking about wanting to have someone to listen on how I feel mentally without being complained or bored.

[@phillaserna9718]

Bravo! And Thank You!!!

[@jackwheeler27]

We could all use a strong dose of the school of life every day. Another unbelievably good video. God bless Alain de Botton.

[@anujbohra]

Mostly I try to speak to people and they react as if they can't understand a single thing that comes out of my mouth. It feels good😆

[@catalystcomet]

I'm going to watch this every day.

[@ayoubawadi2950]

the school of life,you are the best because you saved my life

[@arundhatisharma5743]

their voice is so comforting 🥺

[@akafacts]

well this hit home hard. Very accurate in everyday life

[@catherinemegs]

Thank you for your empathetic words and for the calming visuals. Great way to start my morning :)

[@Piexus_]

Thank you again Alain.

[@kanoteiwaz2319]

So true... everyone should watch this..

[@JustLoui45]

The visuals and typeface on this are so wonderful to me!

[@hetalkhatri8018]

It feels really so healing !!❤🙏👏👏👏👏great! 👍🙏

[@msontopoftheworld]

My 17-yo is actually quite good at this. When I'm looking a bit down, he asks what's wrong, when I share it, he always seems to just acknowledge my feelings, even though he can't really do anything about it or give any advice on it. It helps just knowing I've been listened to, and my concerns "validated".

[@caroliner2029]

What a beautiful young man he is. He sounds like my nephew, who's very perceptive and responsive.

[@abbykoop5363]

I hope every person sees this! I have sent similar type things to certain "friends" yet I have yet to feel heard by anyone except those I pay for therapy. Now I journal a lot and try to do it for myself. There is no one else..... If I am anything but happy or "fine", those people simply stop contacting me.

[@Nany2297]

I know the answer to my own problems , I know how to handle it I don't need a how-to guide I just need empathy and understanding from your part. I need to know that my feelings are acknowwledged and that whatever I'm going through is a difficult situation and that it's ok if I feel sad for a moment or maybe cry.

[@flutterbystarlight885]

I love your wise videos. Truly listening to another is such a gift. Thank you for helping me to be a better person.

[@GnomanSociety]

I can't love this enough, this encapsulates how well we should treat each other.

[@AndreyZenperial]

YES! Not just to keep our mental health and sanity but also because it just feels good to be good

[@WestCParallel49]

Thank you so much. This has opened my eyes a lot. I really like the part on bouncing feelings back and forth, as this is what true social interaction is really about for me. Thx.

[@north_star8]

I have done this for years and I’m unlikely to ever stop because it has helped me so much but I literally talk out loud to myself my own feelings, worries, concerns, frustrations, sadness etc. It honestly deflates the emotions and they feel less big and it helps me come to an actual solution most times. If you’re alone alot there isn’t always someone to listen but you’re always with you. Self compassion goes along way and I believe it is a form of reparenting.

[@Brilliant_Smoke]

I'm so early, I fancy how they they lay the audio track. Lovely

[@ourochroma]

Easy as pie. Return the feelings like a game of pin-pong You acknowledge someone's feelings and proofs you're listening :)

[@westsidesmitty1]

TSOL- unfailingly the most humanizing 5-6 minutes of my week!