Why We Pick Difficult Partners

[@theschooloflifetv]

Thank you for watching. Have you ever had a difficult partner? Tell us below. If you’d like to meet other like minded people in person, why not come to our next Conference in San Francisco on 23rd-25th March 2018 goo.gl/kzmVKR Join our mailing list bit.ly/2e0TQNJ

[@legendaryaNdepic]

The School of Life my whole life has been difficult didn't know how to respond to my relationships I don't think all of them were bad but there was difficult times with all of them I want to be with someone that is a mix of all of them Shelly was not interested no matter how nice I was then Alejandra I was 6 and I was dumb she followed me everywhere I reciprocated with dis interest or tolaration Michelle was really nit picky to literal I said I had a Mercedes Benz and a truck she said Mercedes doesn't make trucks we went on and on about this I just said bye Felicia! Davina damn she was hot interested into me and made out alot but she moved when we were going to school we took a trip to the exploratorium and we chased each other at that Roman circle fountain played on all the exzibits made out when on the trip ECT ECT. Then I think there was Jenny she was wholesome sweet we always played footsies and looked at each other longingly but they're was also Lizette she was not fat but had a bigger build than Jenny both Latin she had cute haircut tall I think we made out few times at lunch then Marie I think that was at the same school mean uninterested brown eyes cute face but I liked her omg before that they're was Bonnie we went far I was in her bed making out and feeling her up if her dad ever cought us I would have been dead but we were to young no girl friends in high school I was a loner there college Roxy we were inseprable same classes cute small fun always partners for projects brown eyes as always then I don't know what happened and we parted ways after that Monique I saw her at a bookstore we slept in the same bed that night and morning she had beautiful everything totally attracted to her she liked me too we maybe dated through out the years after that nothing then a bunch of cyber girlfriends and now I'm with Annmarie which I don't know what it is it may end before that nezmah 2 year's Mia but that wasn't a date relationship marina in highschool and that's it

[@valentinalopez6860]

The School of Life por favor, faltan los subtítulos en español. Gracias!!

[@helveticalouie]

The School of Life I'm the difficult one :)

[@niganiganiga2623]

Dude, please do a Carl Jung.. Why not, i feel its something personal 😆

[@Andzar]

The School of Life sub in spanish please.

[@stevenhsu9941]

"We accept the love we think we deserve" - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

[@leelee1782]

I just had an epiphany. Thanks so much for this comment. I was a bit confused when people continuously said that you had to love yourself to love someone else. It just didn't make sense to me; now it does. If you don't accept/love yourself, you can not accept the love of other people because we feel we do not deserve it.

[@Kizamo]

I read that book when I was a kid and unfortunately didn’t fully understand what I meant until I became an adult...

[@iwishiwishwithallmyheart]

I was searching for THIS❤️

[@adorableonyourvanity]

Isn’t it true for everything? But yeah especially love!

[@zoalal5571]

Simply love the book! This is so fitting :)

[@kerenelvir6805]

"We may describe someone as 'not sexy' or 'boring' when in truth we mean: unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real." DAMN, why you gotta call me out like that?

[@colinogorman8279]

💯

[@pranshkatoch]

what does this mean ? why do we need to suffer in order to feel love ?

[@raularmas317]

@@pranshkatoch bc that's just the way this world works. Love being the most ideal state of relationship to exist in on this planet demands self-sacrifice (the cost of Love). If it were an easy state to exist within no one would value it, nes pas?

[@tazzyw]

Agree perfection imperfection duo balancing unbalancing.... Pendulum explains

[@samusaran7317]

@@raularmas317 Maybe if you believe your own indoctrination.

[@bakekay21]

There's a quote about avoiding people who feel like home, when home wasn't a safe place

[@ayaaly2866]

Wow 😲

[@Mystic_hermit]

Thanks, needed to hear that

[@alaaaaa4132]

Yes, sticking to people and then to work on the issues it is insane. working on yourself and healing your childhood wounds, knowing that familiar click because of trauma-bonding, instead recognize what a healthy relationship is and feed health to your-soul is much better.

[@allswellthatends]

Omg, so my 'hunches' have been right all along.. These people feel so familiar yet so dangerous at the same time.

[@mirandabrunskill7755]

That is so true. The familiarity is something I don't want anymore. I want a NEW familiarity - a healthy, compassionate one.

[@tiad.9536]

I didn't want to marry someone like my mother- emotional, depressive, and demeaning and I didn't want to marry someone like my father- ignorant, paranoid, and childish so I married someone like my grandmother- nurturing, gentle, and obsessed with my well-being who feeds me to many sweets.

[@valeriab-6126]

Tia D. If you fall in love with the wrong person? You can't control love. How to fall in love with the "right" person? I mean "right" in the sense of a person who makes your life better and who doesn't let you down.

[@lydiamoo16]

Tia D. Same, both my parents had a lot of issues that lead to an unhealthy relationship so I am most attracted to people not like them. I can superficially by attracted to people who are egotistic and manipulative like my dad but it rarely goes deeper than that.

[@shannonlilia]

Tia D. Oh that sounds delightful! 💏💕

[@faisal1ghazzawi]

what happens to people that look up to no one? I've grew tired of everyone in my family. I see through their childish behavior and only admire snippets of their personality. My dad hardworking, everything else about him is rubbish. My mom caring, everything else about her rubbish. So on... Who do I fall for? anyone? no one?

[@karadiberlino]

Faisal Ghazzawi I like your blunt comment. Thank you for sharing it. It‘s a good way to look at very difficult people!

[@delta88rulez]

everyone is difficult when you get in close. everything looks good from a distance til you see the blemishes. true love towers over blemishes and even scars! find someone who is the kind of broken you can love!

[@Longlostpuss]

It's difficult to covet seriously someone that is broken. At least for me anyway.

[@nafisahmed4196]

@@Longlostpuss unconditional Love is the gateway to the Divine

[@Longlostpuss]

@@nafisahmed4196 given I've seen mothers stab their own children in the back (literally), I don't actually believe in it, unfortunately. Everything is conditional, simply because humans are too complex and flaky.

[@LifeDilSe1]

How can I fix and make that heart mine , if that was not broken on first place. And , many times they brake because of their not jigsaw fit choice, which they find later. Lighting each others dark which they know well and feel complete. 🙂

[@Longlostpuss]

Nah, my advice is to avoid broken, they'll just take you down with them. That's why there are paid shrinks, they are not emotionally involved.

[@Techtastisch]

This is literally the story of my life. It was hard to realize it, but after all that I can say, that I found my dreampartner :) The first step was: Fixing my own Problems

[@wiegraf-FNC]

I'm glad it worked out for you. Hoping I can get there someday too.

[@kits1111]

How did u do it

[@rafreyes1190]

i'm happy for you✨💓

[@user-ex8hu1ix1c]

How did you do it?

[@Techtastisch]

@@user-ex8hu1ix1c self reflection is a big step and it gets easier when you think about the sentence "Your own freedom ends, where it would hurt the freedom of others" whenever you have to make a deciscion.

[@Connor4x4]

You can attempt to handle relationship problems like an adult all you want, And that is indeed a noble thing. However if your partner doesn't respond the same way at a certain point it's a lost cause. Better to take a break from relationships and figure out which red flags to avoid in a partner. Self respect earns the love you desire

[@Tom88]

This ! I'm by no means perfect, I tried to take the adult approach the majority of the time and still lost the battle if you like. You should definitely not make or break relationships lightly but I wish I hadn't tried to make it work for so long (7 years). What the video fails to mention is that even if you take the 'adult' path you generally still feel that child like response inside and have to over come it. Doing that for too long just makes you miserable.

[@juliestarks1279]

I agree. That's why I didn't date after we broke it off. I took time out to heal. Learned to love myself, fill my own cup so that moving forward, I won't look towards someone else to fill it for me. He tried coming back but I declined. His behavior and mind set is the same. Now I will make sure that my potential partner is, 1. self aware 2. passionate about bettering themselves and becoming the best possible version(s) of themselves that they could possibly be. 3. Love themselves with zero ego coming into the relationship and look out for my best interest as well as my daughters which should be a priority of theirs.

[@Connor4x4]

I tried to make my last relationship work for over 1 year. She just wasn't there for me. And she listened to people that judged her and myself. I overreacted when it ended and went on a 10 month self destructive spiral. I let her go and wish her the best Working on me first before I try again

[@bruno-vicious]

I can personally attest to this. If anything the more I responded as an adult the more childish my partner acted. In that case it's a lost cause. Just simply break off the relationship and move on until you find someone more mature enough to respond to you.

[@seacowdiaries]

I agree. There’s a clear line between learning to tolerate each other when it comes to small flaws and tiny quirks, and then there’s tolerating abuse which is never good. There are partners that no matter how much of a rational adult you try to act with them, their negative qualities reign over the good qualities.

[@Kaliashdevi]

As a retired psychotherapist, I'm so pleased to see the amount of clicks here. These videos need to be shown in schools all around the world!

[@griefytrolly]

is that scientific? Seems a bit to 1900 for me

[@Wavemaninawe]

I first mis-read "retarded psychotherapist". Sorry... its probably a sign that im drawing near to my bedtime. Yes, i figure input like this would be very valuable. Probably in sex-ed (which is still rather poor in most places).

[@Crazywaffle5150]

Sight evidence and how this concept is actually healthy?

[@Wavemaninawe]

Crazywaffle5150 Adressing relationship history and how it likely influences future relationships, is something i think is healthy. Because it may allow a greater understanding of ones own choices. Unfortunately i dont know of any studies on the topic.

[@Crazywaffle5150]

@@Wavemaninawe Mass genocide of other humans happened allot in the past in primitive times. Should we do that as well? No. It's primitive. I fallow logic. Not emotions.

[@fatmawati3559]

Why we chose difficult partner Because our brain knows if its not difficult we'll be bored in 3 days

[@amasion2882]

fatma wati : I believe this is more common than most realize. “Boring” isn’t always bad. The world is full of folks who passed on “nice” men and women because they were “too reliable, boring and predictable.” It’s easy to take people like that for granted. They wanted “different, stimulating, and exciting” partners instead. It’s great while it’s good, but toxic and unproductive when it’s bad. Nothing beats peace and quiet with little or no unnecessary drama in one’s home life. Reliable people are great, especially when you need to rely on them. Life issues enough challenges without always having to watch your back for an unreliable, unstable, or otherwise toxic partner.

[@movingon2081]

@@amasion2882 agreed I believe it's based on maturity as well. When your young most girls and guys want the risky partner the free spirit until we get older and realise stability and partnership is better than the arguing fighting and disagreements

[@amasion2882]

Erica Ashley : It’s about finding balance between what one needs to feel comfortable and secure and one’s needs for stimulation and growth.

[@Ehkwi]

fatma wati bee are you aych

[@amasion2882]

Erica Ashley : It can go either way. There are plenty of older people who are living a “second childhood or teen hood.” These are people who may have been bogged down with adult responsibility too early in life (orphaned or raised in a dysfunctional home with immature parent/s forcing them into adult roles. Or maybe they married young without experiencing and enjoying young single life.). It’s unwise to take chronological age as proof a person is settled, mature, responsible and willing to invest in a good relationship. Lots of 50+ year old adolescents out there.

[@rogue]

Disagree. If you find you have an appetite for unhealthy relationships/people, then you are likely also unhealthy and need to step back, sort yourself out, and head back into a relationship only when you are ready to go for someone who is good for you.

[@Kurayamiblack]

So as usual there are 2 different but equally valid perspectives on the issue. If you find yourself attracted to qualities that hurt you: 1- Recognize the pain, remove yourself from it, and find a new relationship that doesn't cause the pain. You can take pride in being wise enough to go around the BS and become the master of your own life. Or 2- Recognize the pain, learn to be stronger than that pain, and be proud that despite the thorns, you've earned exactly what you wanted and became stronger for it. Just depends on the type of person you are and what you can/can't deal with. But it all starts with recognizing yourself.

[@InVinoVeratas]

Truth.

[@THEKAZA117]

Completely agree. For all we know a person's parents could have been awful, I couldn't believe all of us are attrachive to people for what they were like. If the relationship is cold or abusive step back and get your head straight. Its really easy to get hooked to the drug of love especially if you thought you were confident on seeing a possible future with them. We put off the truth.

[@Kenascarter]

I dont feel like that was the point of the video though. It seemed to me more of a "dont quite a good relationship just because your partner might be immature". If a relationship is abusive or harms a partner (emotionally, physically etc) than YES leave. But ALL long term relationships come with getting annoyed with each other, we have to learn how to be adult about it and love the other person and change ourselves for the better.

[@AqierDesigns]

And why do you feel bad about yourself? because of what happend to you during your childhood. What is explained in this video is the deeper answer, you‘re only scratching the surface which is a symptom of the past childhood.

[@corbanboutot166]

I think the first half of this, the actual problem, is extremely accurate. Not a huge fan of the solution. I had neglectful parents and counseling helped me to seek out loving environments and learn that I project my mom on to potential mates. As I got better and began to heal (still a scar but not a festering wound) I began to recognize this and avoided such people and now look for people with actual good qualities. “In love” fades away. Love is a decision not a feeling. I’m not just gonna work on being better so I can “handle” somebody like my mom. I’m gonna be a better person so I can partner with a better person.

[@emmadonaldson7]

Corban Boutot I agree

[@joycechacko8207]

I agree too. Besides, I feel that once a person is aware of their issues and start working on them, they find such people not so attractive after all. Instead, they automatically seek out better partners, who can help them grow.

[@Vyngraven]

Nailed it.

[@لمىالشريف-غ8ك]

But there is the attraction part. A loving environment often feels intimidating to us. Wierd, uncertain and sometimes annoyingly close or even suffocating. When someone's not familiar with those types of closeness it can be very hard to change our patterns. Getting used to a new level of intimacy can be hard work. Do you find the new attention and love compelling or appealing?

[@corbanboutot166]

Yeah something I noticed after a lot of time in counseling was that girls who were genuinely nice and good girls got blown off. I started looking back and realized the “ones that got away” are the ones that I was never attracted to to begin with. Thankfully that’s changing and yeah, some of those qualities I’m catching now and get turned off real quick but it takes effort. I had to tell myself no for a while for it to eventually reach my heart and it started saying “crap you’re right!”

[@natylopez5]

I've always felt that, sometimes, we go after difficult partners because we like to think that we are so special, that we'd be able to "fix" anyone. 'He doesn't love anyone, but I'm so special, he WILL love ME'. It's as if we're sort of trying to feed our own egos. The day I felt ashamed of how much I was enduring just for a certain person to love me was the day I stoppped caring about being with someone. One day I just realised it was ridiculous that I should have to put sooo much effort into having someone love me. I felt tired and just wanted to rest. And so I started to enjoy being by myself so much that I didn't date anyone for years. Until 8 years ago, my husband just appeared and I knew he was the one. And now I can enjoy both being with him and by myself. And so can he. It's very peaceful, fulfilling and satisfying. But you can't get to the point of knowing exactly what you need unless you stop trying to force it and start digging and knowing who you really are and need, and why everything you've tried so far just hasn't worked.

[@kalieabshierwolfqueen13]

I feel very blessed for the love I have with my husband. We lead a very quiet, drama free life. It's unusual since we are so young and most people our age fight alot and live in a dramatic relationship. We aren't perfect, but we help one another build. He's helped me build a little confidence and I've helped him work on his communications. Often times we will spend hours through the night talking, having deep conversations that I cant have with anyone else. I wholeheartedly believe, we are soul mates. ♡.♡

[@therealestdrea]

Kalie Abshier you’re lucky

[@chrisv9204]

I want passion in my life... I don't know your life but what makes someone happy doesn't mean that it applies to everyone and i don't think that it applies to me.

[@cartoons868]

Bless u both

[@aspiringprogrammer2820]

Kalie Abshier enjoy!!!!

[@Ilovesushi123456]

About helping ur husband with communications. I am in the exact same boat. I just had a talk with my boyfriend on some conversation skills that he could improve upon and after many discussions I think we were finally able to understand each other, and figure out what exactly we are expecting from eachother at the end of the conversation. I'm used to being around people who understand conversation skills right away. So I am definitely challenged when it comes to patience and being extra loving when we misunderstand eachother.

[@BD638]

This idea of falling for people who remind us of people who loved us in childhood, might be true for a lot of people. However for me, I fall for people that give me a kind of love I never had. Affectionate, listening to my troubles, understanding, non-judgmental, patient and calm.

[@LaitoChen]

Most people are damaged; but not me; I had a special snowflake childhood and everyone needs to know that

[@7tails528]

Prince Blake wtf lol. Wouldn't logic imply it was the opposite? "...a kind of love I never had"?

[@kevalan1042]

"unlikely to make me suffer in the way that i need to suffer in order to feel that love is real." -- if that is true, we are truly screwed up creatures :-D

[@jackson7922]

Take it from the mouths of some women, who truly operate on that thought process so subconsciously.

[@retiredmeme2751]

I feel that true challenge like that is necessary for a meaningful life

[@victorbicarato9305]

@@retiredmeme2751 totally ok if you think this way. But I suggest you to take a deeper look into what a meaningful life really is, read the book "men's search for meaning" by viktor Frank. It changed the way I think about a meaningful life. The book is about a therapist that got sent to a concentration camp in Germany and wrote about how he managed to stay sane in such a horrible place.

[@NeoJiNeTiK]

Jay Pritchett: Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth. ​~ Clean Out Your Junk Drawer

[@lovelylove6193]

JiNeTiK this opened my eyes

[@rainsara2795]

Wow

[@katso9834]

I love this for it's positive spin :) Thank you for sharing!

[@kamilbanks8895]

all of my crushes definitely carry traits that I noticed I have in myself as well... and after talking to all of them I've definitely realised why i was into all of them

[@aasminkaur]

Yeah this episode and these lines were absolutely brilliant. They resonated with me so much

[@Owondr]

What conflicts you don’t resolve with your partner, you pass on for your kids to resolve. Do the work!

[@Saskiequelle]

Owondr preach!!!!

[@darko.v]

Owondr damn, haven't thought about it like this but you made me think in a broader way. Thank you for this

[@RisenOswald]

even perfect Parents gets psyko kids. you can only rly do your best.

[@Sleepyembers]

Perfect parents? Where?!

[@noname-ic3zq]

Unfortunately true

[@Flyingtart]

My ex gf and I were together for 5 years, poor girl. I guess she stayed with me so long because of my dark humor, gnawing but high functioning depression and borderline alcoholism. These traits could be found in her dad as well. Glad I was dumped though, because that was the point at which I sought treatment for my effed up mind and now I just love life. Depression really crippled me in ways I didn't even realize because it crept on me slowly, allowing me to integrate it, subconsciously making it the new normal, while it grew stronger and stronger each year.

[@Mr.Hatman]

Hey, we're proud of you for getting better.

[@Flyingtart]

Thanks (y)

[@youcefkerv9811]

How amazing to find someone who honest to certain point when he admitted that his ex is a nice person, i wish you a good life.

[@Flyingtart]

Thank you guys! The entire ordeal was emotionally taxing and left me down a deep hole of self loathing and regret for more than a year. Yelling and being yelled at on the phone is a harsh way of nailing the coffin of a relationship to someone you shared your entire adult life with, not to mention how deep words may wound you when the one uttering them knows everything about you. I feel as if I matured by the experience though, and I gained better knowledge of who I am and what my limits and faults are in the process. Just wish I could thank her for her patience and for the years we shared, and that wish is probably the scar left from what once was a wound. Sorry for my english, not a native speaker.

[@D0A17599]

dark humour? check depression? check alcoholism? uncheck but I got drug addiction instead so theres that Does that mean I can get a gf now?

[@tinyhuman7250]

I fell in love with a boy who reminds me of my father... gentle, compassionate, and has a heart of gold. 💗

[@regisatlas]

this isnt promoting abuse or fighting, just explaining WHY we might be attracted to some type of people

[@nevercallmebyname]

The fact is no one walks around with a big sign displaying their personality, so we're forced to learn that they're difficult later.

[@mistique1999]

"Too boring= won't make me suffer in the way i need to feel love" That is so me I almost cried wgen i heard that. Thank you for this video. It makes me think more about my love life and be more self aware. I needed that sentence. I makes so much sense to me now

[@BanditRants]

As a video editor, this channel always leaves me in awe with its beautiful presentations.

[@alexjonesgotthedocuments3882]

Your video editing is really good yourself.

[@dkeristo852]

+BanditRants subbed

[@NewsXtreme]

They have a pretty big budget. With 3 mill subs you can do anything.

[@ollie42]

BanditRants aha oh its you again.. saw you on cold fusions chanel ;)

[@alisaenthusiast9375]

As an artist i'm an artist.

[@archaeon1365]

You can change the template by working on yourself and growing, when you do you become a better and healthier person this in turn allows you to attract and be attracted to more developed healthier people as a whole

[@NiinaDiina]

The advice in this video is geared more towards those in relationships with people who have normal flaws. Let's face it. No one will be perfect for you simply because we are all flawed. Your partner has to deal with your issues as much as you have to deal with theirs, in different areas. However, the video isn't trying to advise people to stay with those that are bad for them, i.e., blaming, manipulative, otherwise abusive or damaging to their own mental/physical health. It's aim is to help those in relationships better deal with those that they are inevitably drawn to (and choose to stay drawn to).

[@7tails528]

nina j. Legit.

[@toothakace]

That's right, i noticed that this channel always assumes that everyone is completely normal and happy and doesn't focus on actual bad stuff

[@moviesnight4722]

Ok, we are all flawed .... But it's about trying to be good as perfect .. and for who? .. for ourselves . . . . .

[@carliiuxiiz]

Another adult attitude is to know your limits and when you cannot help somebody. I had a quite difficult partner and I learned to change many of my attitudes, but sometimes staying with somebody may give them the feeling they can misbehave and you'll still be there. At least for an introvert like me, I need time by myself to analyze my behavior and where can I get better. If you stay long in a relationship with somebody who hasn't matured, you start losing yourself. There's a point where you start considering their way of doing things and that may be confusing. I also think that the difficult partner also needs time slone to re-evaluate what he/she had in the relationship with you, and value the support you were willing to give them.

[@Sar_bear77]

Carla T so true. I was in a that exact situation before.

[@sten260]

the most adult thing you can do is not fall in love at all and just bang pornstars like rich people

[@Sar_bear77]

sten260 im considering thay way of life tbh

[@sten260]

its expensive but totally worth it if you can pull that off

[@Sar_bear77]

sten260 i wasnt really serious lol buy honestly, i cant stand relationships anymore. Ppl are shit

[@TheKubbas]

This is so SO different from so many other videos who tell you to "run away" when it gets hard! We tend to forget there is a reason behind tricky partners as well, especially if they've had a tough background. The picture of how the girl had a glove and touched the "prickly" boyfriend really touched me. This video is really really incredible and real. Thank you School of Life for another amazing gem.

[@TheSolidfoxhound]

Opposites attract, but it's the similarities that keep us together for the long run.

[@cezardecosta]

I'm a bit resistant to this idea of "opposites attract". There is a brazilian psychologist (Ivan Capelatto) who approaches this topic in some videos. What he says is that while there is a curiosity to find out about a partner's life experiences, this is different from being drawn to the differences found in such experiences. Relationships work thanks to harmony (which only exists between similar ones). Differences can generate curiosity at first, but after that, they only generate conflict of positions, since each partner will try to defend their own side. Based on my experiences, I can see that I've never been attracted to someone who is the "opposite" of me. It only happened in situations where I had the impression "this person is a match", but then found out "well,.. life plans, worldviews and ethical notions completely different from mine, no match", and lose interest.

[@yudy92]

cezar de costa he clearly stated it in the other half of his comment..

[@cezardecosta]

:/ maybe I was not clear enough, but my point is that being curious about someone's differences is not the same thing as being drawn to these differences . This usually results in people trying to "create differences" or keep a distance that ensures the absence of intimacy (sometimes playing games, pretending etc), as they come to believe that this is the "golden rule of attraction." So, I tried to explain why the similarities are important in this dynamic. If it was already explicit in Andy's comment, well,.. then just ignore my reply.

[@TheSolidfoxhound]

There's a thing called "Healthy differences"~ so if the differences are not healthy it's sure gonna be unhealthy for both.

[@christinash2235]

I'm attracted to people who are like me. It's true. When I got with my first real adult relationship, I was wild, angry, but super into art, literature and film....he was a film collector, loved art, and was wild and angry (I taught him about books, he taught me about foreign films) ...one of the things I loved about him is we could get high and stay up all night talking. But he was TOO angry and our relationship became exhausting, he wouldn't even go to couples counseling. Flash forward through some dates to the next guy I really truly liked and stayed with a while, and he and I were both into music and the environment and animals, and we had a similar thing where we talked and talked all the time about everything, and he had some qualities of my ex, the same attentiveness, a dark sense of humor, a little pretentious and in love with his own hipster bullshit, but ...more quietly angry. Subdued. Not violent. Like I had worked through something. It still didn't last but not for as dramatic reasons as the person before. The person I'm really attracted to now, I don't know him very well yet, but we have a lot of the exact same political views and we both like books...and the way I feel when he holds me or touches me, I haven't felt with anyone since the first guy. It kind of blows my mind because it's been years and they are the only two people in my adult life that gave/give me that feeling just by holding me or touching my hand. It's a little scary because I'm like oh does he remind me of my ex? But he really doesn't. POINT BEING - I like people who are like me, and are where I am at, at that point of my life, and it's also interesting that I reference this intense, safe, other-worldly feeling he gives me with a serious relationship from my past, which implies familiarity, which must remind me of the way one of my parents made me feel when they held me when I was a child (maybe).

[@ncamara670]

Your advice makes life easier for all abusers. If someone has a partner like this they don't need to always succumb to their mannerism but rather have a conversation and ask the partner to change. If they don't, then it's better to leave and be happier without them.

[@constantvictory3547]

Forget “love” marry someone you respect and who respects you in return.

[@Suseelkumar5]

Gosh! It's so true. Even in the case of friendship.

[@christinash2235]

Why not just hire a personal assistant instead if all you want is respect? Sounds stifling as hell.

[@t0malito404]

@@christinash2235 ofc you will marry someone you love, but I think she wanted to say that respect is much more important aspect in longterm relationship than (for example) sunshine and rainbows in the beggining of relationship where everything seems perfect (which is not realistic picture and inevitably fades away during the years).

[@chikaka2012]

Christi Nash I think your definition of respect is somewhat limited. Think more in terms of mutual admiration and trust

[@a.d8257]

If there is no respect there is no love. Love without respect is backstabbing, cheating, lying and selfishness. You got to be fucked up in your mind to think that love doesn't need respect. Without respect the relationship is just a big joke.

[@wendizzlefasho]

IMPORTANT: Acting more grown up is great advice, but a lot of times we come from messed up experiences in childhood that attract, and in turn make us attracted to, unfulfilling relationships with shitty people. Especially in the case of EMOTIONAL abuse, sticking around and trying to "be an adult" is not going to change the way the other person behaves. In order to truly be happy and fulfilled in a relationship, one should work on discovering and healing the childhood wounds within themselves BEFORE attempting to connect with someone else. Because there are people who will take advantage of our desire to be better and make us suffer more. When we are clear on our own worth and needs, it will be easier to find someone who is great and will treat us well, not how our damaged inner child feels like we should continue to be treated.

[@eurovicious]

Thanks for adding this, the first paragraph in particular is really important and the video should have included it.

[@evilspawn]

Underrated post ^^ abuse is not cool

[@LC-sp9ox]

wendizzlefasho 🙌🙌🙌

[@himomimfamous]

Daddy issues explained scientifically lol

[@scahsaint6249]

Hazar Younis This is not science.

[@IMindiffernt]

Closer to pseudoscience

[@Forgemno]

Hazar Younis Amen

[@timothylynch6074]

Lol what if they are black Then your partner is always gone?

[@lovekitty34]

LMAO true

[@snowflake1319]

I'm 13, this makes me nervous for what's to come in terms of relationships when I'm older, but at least I got a heads-up.

[@uri-naor]

I'm very into psychology, and while it is true that most people are attracted to people with similar emotional problems as their parents, In my opinion his advice of "you can only accept it and try respond well" isn't perfect. While it might take a long self growth journey, it is definitely possible and proven that working on yourself will also change your preferences in dating. By becoming more individual and learning to respect the other, you will also be attracted to more individual and respectful people. I'm not saying that his advice is bad. Most people don't go through a long self growth journey, and even if they do, it's still impossible to find a dating partner with absolutely 0% down sides and no emotional baggage, but even so, there's no reason to be pessimistic, especially if we're young!

[@normietwiceremoved]

No matter how hard you'll try you will make the same mistakes as all of us. The key is whether you'll learn from them and know why you made them in hindsight.

[@greengoblin9567]

Your probably 15 now. Intimate relationships are not for kids.

[@omaricard4913]

@@greengoblin9567 he's probably dead 😅

[@mjrussell414]

omar icard Wow. That’s weird.

[@ADHDSCREAM]

Tbh my mom was never the the affectionate type and yelled a lot and I was around a lot of arguing as she went though many men, And now as a more mature older person I'm with the most cuddly and non violent man ever.

[@outspokenone6]

he's a man not a woman

[@hhh-ch8ho]

"She mentioned" **" I'm ... man ... "**

[@niceguy6947]

+Bullyhunterxhunter Non existent probably

[@AlexK-wp9ie]

outspokenone6 no in the video and in psychology it can be any caregiver and in this case also their father

[@jdcool038]

That sounds just like me

[@davewasthere]

Why isn't this stuff taught in schools. Why did I have to learn this so late in life? :)

[@nikhil99a]

Be grateful that you have learnt it

[@user-in1yw9ty5t]

Because life is not only about preparation. You have to be vulnerable enough to recieve it(you have to be at risk to personally experience within) and sensitive enough to change and improve. Life is so complicated, schooling isnt enough. Its part you; part world part luck.

[@ashleesidhu6891]

“Unlikely to make me suffer in the way that I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real.” Damn

[@rakiabey553]

I like this kind of graphics, it's not distracting nor disturbing

[@nakedking6676]

clearly. great point!

[@sweetheart.nikkilee430]

I do think that almost all people have issues and no one is immune to it. Although I do work in domestic violence service and so absolutely do not encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship.... there is a difference between abuse and relationship difficulties. Abuse is about power, control and fear and relationship difficulties are usually about two people trying to work together when they simply are different people. No one person is the same. No one person is going to be perfect. Everyone has great things to give to a relationship. I find the whole idea of "leave if you are unhappy" sometimes a little hasty (except if there is abuse then your safety is of course the number one priority). There is always some work you can do on yourself to respond to situations better. I think, if you are in a healthy long term committed relationship and you are unhappy, it is important to communicate with your partner about your shared unhappiness (because if you are unhappy, chances are they will be too), make a plan to improve together and say alright if that doesn't work then we both know what we have to do. Then you can find real closure.

[@sweetheart.nikkilee430]

Conservative Bitch oh lovely, domestic violence is unpredictable. I cannot predict what he will be like in the future. I do want to say though to please be careful and seek support for yourself. Threatening violence is controlling behaviour and it is always possible that it could escalate. It's all fine and well for you to want him to improve, but in reality we only have control over ourselves and when people show us who they really are, we should believe them. Stay safe.

[@annon3485]

Nikki Vardanega thank you so much! I really appreciate your advice and answering me. Much love 💕

[@LaitoChen]

Answering questions that were raised in the video? You should write a blog

[@skepticproof]

Thinking that happiness is reachable is the cause number one of divorce in our society, in some cultures were divorce is less they tell youngsters : you don't marry for love, you marry to create a familly, they don't give alimony and child support is penies, remember that 80% of divorces are filed by women and the main cause is faar from being "abuse" but rather : "i think i deserve a better man", which you guess it it will never happen in most cases.

[@MiaMia.2]

Nikki, but what if I am the only one unhappy in the relationship because I feel tied down and restricted (further enforced by my partner's emotional overreactions, making me feel guilty for wanting to pause or end the relationship)? Is it too hasty to quit still or do you reckon moving on and trying myself out partner-wise would be smarter?

[@FeelTalks]

This is so interesting. Growing up, i've always hated how my parents loved me. I always understood their actions came from love, but i simply couldn't accept it. So i would lie to them constantly because I felt that they could never love me as i am. I always felt guilty around them, especially when the shouting would start. Now, i actively seek to avoid confrontation but i'm also learning to not back down as soon as it gets heated or irrational. I've learned so much about human behavior and the importance of listening/understanding from my childhood. Sometimes all it takes is that one person with whom you can connect to help you see your entire life in a more positive light. I'm lucky i'm with someone who encourages me to be who i am, and i'd love to be that person for others as well. Stay strong xx

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can text/call [phone] or reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@wwatkin21]

Family dysfunction is rampant in western culture. Most of us never get a chance to learn that our family of origin caused us to build this false self as a protection mechanism against being hurt emotionally or even physically. That false self is the one we bring out into the world as adults. We attract what we are not what we want. Most of us lack self esteem which comes from a clear understanding of who you are, which would be your true self. Basically we’re all just a bunch of dysfunctional people trying to link up with each other without any clue of who we are as individuals. If you really want to have good relationships stay single for at least a year or longer and truly find out who you are, then you can give yourself to the right person.

[@worldiscoverercanari]

western culture is an artificial monster with no future..the only future is to go back to what is natural....Family clanns and tribalism..the rest is ground straw!!

[@karenazizalvarez8489]

What about people who feel attracted to those who DO NOT have similar traits to our parent(s)? Meaning... avoiding what we know we don’t enjoy. Eg. When parents aren’t very loving, one might actually look for someone who can give all the love mum&dad never did. Or if there was conflict at home, one might be more inclined towards a person who is capable of communicating in a much better/calm way. I personally think this video is based on old findings and excludes new tendencies. But that’s just me :)

[@alanaearle8619]

Karen Costen I agree completely and was thinking the same things!

[@sarahfara1539]

Karen Costen I think if people are already at this point of making healthier choices they have somehow been able to cope with their early experiences in a more constructive way that was not as detrimental to their selfesteem. To make this choice, you must first be able to believe that no matter how your parents treated you you are still worthwhile and it’s not your fault and you deserve someone treating you better. Unfortunately, as a child you a very dependent on your parents validation, you are very likely to believe them when they make it seem like it’s your fault. As long as we still identify with these beliefs it’s very difficult to pick someone else... or we might even think in the beginning that the person we choose will treat us well and realize too late how they really are..

[@purplebeluga9275]

I rather be single. Loneliness is much easier to handle than being in a relationship.

[@eduardochavacano]

perhaps those who are alone are just more honest.

[@dawoodwaris]

"A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free." - Arthur Schopenhauer

[@andyc9902]

I agreee

[@TheCarly80]

I've been celibate for over year and have a more healthier relationship with friends and family members as well as myself. No one needs to be in an intimate relationship to feel loved.

[@eduardoalcazar2600]

This could be dangerous advise if someone is in an actually abusive relationship. They could end up thinking themselves that they shouldn't leave the person because it's themselves who have to behave more and it's what they're familiar with from their childhood, which if someone is abusing you then there is no reason to be with them. I wish the video addressed this

[@yuyiya]

Eduardo Alcazar - You're right; what they're doing here is extremely irresponsible. Giving very general relationship advice to people who may be in any number of different situations isn't likely to be helpful. It's worse than an astrologer who dishes out a set of cryptic statements to each of a dozen zodiac signs in a magazine or newspaper - at least the astrologer acknowledges SOME differences between people. Also, giving relationship advice to all and sundry for free breaks two cardinal rules of psychiatry: 1) Practicing medicine without a license; and 2) Make the suckers PAY!!!

[@k.futura1140]

I'm surprised this is like the only comment addressing this. It was informative initially, but the advice is highly inappropriate and kind of disgusting considering the extreme wasn't addressed.

[@aviralgigi7441]

Marvelous, I almost completely agree, I've been thinking the same for a while now, I didn't realize it was this common. Very well put. I believe that this is one of the ways we subconsciously try to solve the issues that remained unresolved due to a lack of knowledge and experience in our childhoods. After all, 70% of our time is spent recreating past events in our heads searching for better responses and actions on our part as well as others. It makes sense that repressed feelings due to the dominance every child faces by their parents in childhood come up in romantic relationships (since it is essentially love without the sex) trying to perfect what we could not have perfected before, under the weight of fate and circumstance. I just subscribed!

[@damepasty9203]

This approach assumes that the kind of person one is attracted to is truly worthy of being loved and can respond with love. If one chooses partners who are so unhealthy as to be dangerous, then that person must either re-wire themselves or avoid romantic entanglements altogether.

[@ritatocta8551]

Yes! Very generic and shallow advice in the video. I guess that's what makes victims. I can understand the parents influence but one should acknowledge it and move on to a better relationship.

[@kamokwele12]

THANK YOU!!!

[@omgfarore]

I think in some cases 'altering our responses to the type of people we are attracted to' can mean 'avoiding people even though we feel attracted to them, and making other, more informed relationship choices'.

[@prettyfemme]

Dame Pasty i agree however what if said person is not aware that they need to rewire their psychological behavior or have no idea of how to do so? Of course i love education but awareness is based off of the individual and love has to do with the ability of awareness they are able to extend to another

[@prettyfemme]

Everyone is worthy of love and can respond to love. No matter the stage they are in . Once everyone learns to love unconditionally sat nam

[@krystenabigayle430]

this is a good video talking about steps that could help people avoid conflict in relationships. but there is a fine line between "dealing with someone's abusiveness" and "responding like an adult to someones small flaws."

[@joseolascoaga3768]

Agree! And I was looking for a comment like this. 'Til 4:55 it was ok advice, but come on: from a mature point of view many of the behaviours described would come from an abusive person and should be ended. Isn't it better to encourage people to fully love themselves?

[@nilak.s617]

Well said. Although some relationship are downright toxic, others are just a matter of becoming a better, more well-adjusted person. There's no harm in becoming the bigger person in a relationship.

[@Nathouuuutheone]

I have an extremely hard time dealing with distracted partners. I barely realize how much of a "notice me" person I am. I just feel so insecure. And everytime I wanna reflect on that and share my reflection with the people I care about, I end up just being even more "notice me" by trying to prove my worth/maturity to them, which is a bit contradictory even if I am genuinely feeling like I'm becoming more mature on this. I just don't know what to do to actually be with someone and not feel so insecure that I myself make them push me away and make me feel even more insecure. I am a disaster. I have quite some esteem and a very rational mind, but I have quite the hard time craving a minimum of genuine affection and attention that I don't feel the need to run after. I want the security of a stable relationship with someone who, while they have the right to be distracted, won't think of me as clingy for needing a lot of together time.

[@sarahfara1539]

N The One I can relate... it feels very bad to feel that you could be „annoying“ to your partner or even a nuisance sometimes.. you want to be with someone who really enjoys spending a lot of time with you... my mother tended to make me feel unwelcome.. like dealing with me was always too much.. to a point were I felt shame to even want attention from someone I loved and felt scared to annoy them... when actually it’s the most natural to have this wish.. and sadly they sensed this insecurity and often at some point really felt this way... I hope we can let go of this fear and don’t have to relive this again.

[@selenariva5442]

i am exactly like this. you worded it so perfectly....

[@EvilForgemaster]

So I'm not the only one. Glad to know.

[@WingsOnMySkin]

Same, plus I become super scared if the guy is clingy. So no idea how that could ever work out, I'm literally expecting my partner to be there and not be there at the same time

[@reazulzannah738]

Ahh, I feel ya dude. I really do.

[@yYSilverFoxYy]

From comparing "child-like" and "adult-like" responses, you can see the way people generally treat children is wrong. They are supposed to feel guilty for every single one of their mistakes, be docile until their resentment builds up into hate (while necessity, familiarity and a misguided sense of "owing them something" binds them to the parent). This is indeed the way most people's relationship develops with their spouses. Maybe that's why they divorce so often nowadays? The reason even the forced marriages of the past turned out to be better than choosing partners for ourselves, is bad parenting? (Or to be exact, humanity's tendency to treat children as second-class people or even as belongings.) We think of adults are such self-reliant beings capable of taking full responsibility, when in fact psychology is pointing towards the opposite. They are also extremely difficult to change, so to solve this issue I say... ...Let's start treating children like people maybe? (I'm not interested in knee-jerk reactions of "then they wouldn't be respectful". That just proves you are a slave to your childhood and associate "loving a child" with "disrespecting and dehumanizing a child". Respect is learned by example, as everything else.)

[@ScrumptiousRump]

That is so true. A lot of people don't seem to notice how their behavior affects their child. My mom has really short temper and she tends to raise her voice and yell or get moody (and you can tell from the tone of her voice which makes you feel really bad and guilty for something stupid like not finding ketchup when you were asked to get it) and now she pointed out that I get moody with her often and raise my voice while talking to her. She doesn't realize that i learned that from her! I unconsiously act with her the way she acts with me. She also said that it seems like I have some mental issues. That I'm dark and depressed and that I hide things from her. Well ofc because I've always had to hide my feelings from her or I would get called stupid and weak. Not to mention the trauma she caused. Each time someone raises their voice I get startled and stressed and feel like crying because my mom used to yell a lot when angry and take her anger on me. I truly think parents should pay more attention to their kids and their OWN behavior.

[@bruno-vicious]

No not necessarily treat them wrong. It has more to do with their orientation while being brought up. This has more to do with cultural norms than it does with the parents themselves. But I agree these are very unhealthy cultural norms and until we recognize this as a while we will have more screwed up kids becoming screwed up adults.

[@SM-gt9vg]

@@ScrumptiousRump That is true for me too. My parents used to complain "don't talk to me that way, do you talk to your friends that way?" But I was talking to them the same they talked to me. 🙄 Luckily I got most of that out of my system and don't act like that on a regular basis now, but it comes out when I go back around my family again.

[@stretopovermind9680]

- Let's start treating children like people maybe? No, there is a better way: stop treating overgrown children that hit some magical number of "years lived" as adults. As a matter of fact, most humans never get to mental adulthood at all during their whole life. Mental neoteny - now this is an interesting phenomenon.

[@Okagemi]

Respect is learned, but respect is also earned.

[@genxmum5569]

My parents made me feel not good enough. I found a partner who did the same.

[@mjrussell414]

M Ponkhi Your boyfriend is wise and telling you an important fact of life it takes some people many years and many difficulties to learn effectively.

[@mjrussell414]

Ainsley Flint I hope you got out of that relationship.

[@OriginalKhanMan]

IKD....Seems like he was saying dysfunctional people should just accept each other for who they are and conform. I think maybe a better approach would be for people to work on the self before getting into a relationship.... it is probably not a healthy relationship if one partner has some kind of childhood dysfunction that they haven't sorted out. God help the world if the two have children and continue the cycle of problems.

[@snoesje95]

HooDaFuq everybody is in some way disfunctional. Every person has childhood issues. So the trick is to work through them rather then ignoring of avoiding them in yourself and your partner.

[@linusblanket1113]

The sad truth is childhood dysfunction can never be healed. We try through many ways but it inevitibly stays with us. Thats why a healthy childhood is so important, we're just a product of the environment we were brought up in, therefore changing our sub-conscious thoughts, reactions and actions are terribly and sadly difficult.

[@snoesje95]

I guess the video is about the first kind of person who has had some issues... i didn't say you should be a therapist to your dysfunctional partner. I said you should work through certain problems as a couple and as an individual. Sure if the other isn't willing to work with you then you can't help it and then maybe you should indeed question if the relationship will be working. So I guess were on the same page about this subject.

[@LaitoChen]

You're assuming we know we're dysfunctional to begin with. You can always rely on narcissism and self preservation to get people to change they way they interact with others than to change how their internal processor works.

[@GenJotsu]

Finding a partner that has a personality you are already kind of used to is merely logical. Even though I've known about this for a long time now, it's still hard to bypass the hardwiring going on in my brain. It needs to be done in my case.

[@coreycox2345]

I can't stop thinking about someone who reminds me of my dad, Jo King. I could probably learn to get along with him as long as he is willing to make a couple of changes. This is my hope.

[@ddoyle3856]

Jo King.. it is hard to bypass this hardwiring...but when it's situations better avoided, then it's worth the difficulty. i bypassed my hardwiring on this point & made a "new choice" & life is better!! (i know everyone's situation is different but i just wanted to share my experience with you.)

[@treycoook]

Not just due to familiarity, but because we've already proven to be compatible with them in a survival sense. Your skills and coping mechanisms are already honed for a relationship with such a similar personality.

[@noelleirina5628]

It isn't logical that you're attracted to people who make you suffer the same way your parents did though. It would make a lot more sense if we looked for someone opposite.

[@RisenOswald]

Noelle Irina it would make sense sure but the fact still remains.

[@jonathanmcculley3728]

I can’t think of anything in my childhood that would make me choose my girlfriend. I was lonely with few friends, a pretty big introvert. I had depression and was distant with my family. My girlfriend is my best friend. She’s the person I’ve needed to pick me up. She’s happy, sweet, warm, funny, beautiful, and a million other things. But I’m pretty sure that’s just what a girlfriend and eventual wife is supposed to be. Not someone I’d hate being around.

[@clawsthelaw9854]

Yeah I think your parents influence who you date but it can do the other way too. Like intentionally dating someone NOT like your parents

[@IagainstI.]

it felt as if this video was saying, "you should simply learn to adjust yourself to unhealthy behaviors because no matter how hard you try, you will always be attracted to them." I'd rather be with the boring, unexciting person who probably has depth instead of someone who I have to constantly try to rationalize their behavior. I'm sick of hearing the notion that human relationships are difficult, our childhood behaviors will dictate us for the rest of our lives, etc.,.

[@LaitoChen]

it's as if the video NEVER said that; In fact it's as if you have ZERO listening comprehension

[@applecoreeater]

TLDR: If you have a partner who yells at you, patronises, and belittles you, change the way you respond to them. idk man. Seems a little like you're telling people to stay in emotionally abusive and unhealthy situations for the sake of being an 'adult'.

[@CT2507]

we dont pick difficult partners. we pick them for the wrong reasons. usualy for sex or other superficial needs and instant gratification. and we are complex beings with lots of egotistical needs and expectations. and thats when the difficulty starts. we manage to stay in love for a few months, if we live together, then the power struggle takes over. best tip is dont move in together.

[@MarkGamble52]

Haha EXACTLY!

[@daniellamoreno3616]

I agree only when in marriage.

[@mbnvnd]

I'm living in together with someone and we're doing pretty good. Learning and teaching each other about random things makes us better people little by little. It's more real and creates a better understanding of one another. I appreciate him way more now. Got to let ego go down slowly but surely too. Not every experience is the same.

[@interdimensionalsteve8172]

meh, every relationship is different, and I think it's important for people not to bring in old biases from old relationships into new ones. I've lived long-term with three different women (at different times! lol) since I was 21, and each one brought completely unique challenges after moving in together. I am still friends with both ex's, and my current girlfriend is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. But yeah, one thing was absolutely clear: almost nothing was the same between the three.

[@CT2507]

@@interdimensionalsteve8172 and how old are you now if i may ask? sure, there are many differences between relationships and thank god for that. that's why we keep going at it. i was speaking about the general stuff that happens.

[@e3xiii315]

I was single for over 6 years.. being single for the majority for my 20s was the best decision. It kept me from becoming bitter and jaded and then a relationship just fell in my lap. It’s ok to be single or an relationship. They both have great benefits.

[@khyyD90]

I love that this page encourages people to stay with the one they're with as we're with them for a reason. It's okay to put in a little morr effort as long as a partner isn't abusive.

[@thoughtscollided]

I was the kind of person during school wondering why certain people were interested in people that were either really rude, obnoxious, or good looking with nothing else to offer. Alain really gets it and I think it's all about understanding that people are on their own journey and have their own lessons to learn in life. It's great to see a whole lot of people paying attention to these videos as this is one of the many ways for us to begin re-wiring ourselves.

[@Rospandan]

being willing to negotiate and meet halfway is very important in a relationship, And trying to view disagreements from a different point of view is bound to be helpful. But i think you could have beared to mention the extreme cases when your partner is not looking to meet you half way even when you try. An abusive relationship can go on for too long if signs aren't noticed. Theres a reason why people abused as children pick abusers as grownups, and i think it wouldve bee good to bring that up also, as a way to not romantizise trying to "fix" your partner, like this video might be interpreted as.

[@toiyabehoyopatubbi216]

I just want to add that it isn't impossible to change your type, after being in a relationship with a partner that was "my type" and getting my heart broken eventually led me to seek out a more compatible partner that was quite different from "my type" And honestly now the relationship is so much easier than any other I've been in before!

[@zarzarbinks97]

This makes me want to avoid love altogether

[@zeew.8137]

Just pointing out you didn't touch on attraction to abusive partners you shouldn't just learn to deal with someone abusive and I think some people will get that idea

[@LaitoChen]

He also didn't touch on nuclear weapons testing in North Korea

[@Piface2099]

Zee W. i think abusive behavior is a totally different issue than this for sure...they are just talking about psychological and emotional conpatibility here i felt

[@alexandraxox]

Or because difficult partners cause us to feel stronger emotions that we confuse for love

[@CRFSUIGENERIS]

Alex Lauren There is a level of truth to this. Immature “love” feels that way.

[@RisenOswald]

Chemicals just chemicals = emotions. emotions are always in the way logic rules :3

[@nunyabiz455]

tru dat

[@surferdudette19]

What you said hits closer to home than this video. The subject can be painful, frustrating or wholly inaccurate but worth it for the comments alone.

[@jakerojas4942]

I can't stop thinking about how much I really liked , cared for , love this girl. I keep thinking about the times we went to dinner. I can't believe I had her in my grasp. I really feel like the devil always cursed me and prevented us from being together. That said... worst pain ever, just knowing she's out there, not with another dude. But knowing she's out there and could possibly be hurt by someone. I can't really explain it

[@bolivar1789]

Thank you for this very valuable lesson and the wonderful animation! I only wanted to add one little thing: for friends who may wonder, of course this isn't true when it comes to people who had abusive parents and therefore always fall for abusive partners.That's why the title of the lesson says " difficult partners" and not " abusive" ones. In that case there is no hope for that relationship and one must leave as soon as possible. Two movies came to my mind: - This Boy's Life ( with a teenager Leonardo di Caprio, whose mother marries a psychopath, played by Robert de Niro ) - Te doy mis ojos ( "Take my eyes" by Iciar Bollain- This is about a very sick man who is extremely jealous. His wife tries everything to save that marriage but you'll see... ) I have this friend who has a physical condition and the doctors said that giving birth to a child could put her life in danger. So she can't be a mother, but she accepted it and she is fine. Similarly, I think there are also people with a certain " soul condition", and they get destroyed if they get into a relationship. Well I am sure I am talking about a minority here, but what I am saying is that as always, it all comes down to "know thyself." There is a wonderful " On Being with Krista Tippett" episode with Alain de Botton ( the founder of this channel ). it is called " The True Hard Work of Love" .That's the most beautiful and profound conversation I have ever heard about love. Personally I found the following part very helpful. Especially the last paragraph. It makes you feel like after all, you may not be that abnormal: "Ms. Tippett: You know, I debated over whether I would discuss this with you, but I think I will. I’m single right now and have been for a few years, and it’s actually been a great joy. Not that I think I will be single forever or want to be single forever. Although, actually, I think I would be alright if I were, which is a real watershed. And also what this part of - this chapter of life has taught me to really enjoy more deeply and take more seriously are all the many forms of love in life aside from just romantic love or being coupled. Do people talk to you about that? Mr. de Botton: Well, it’s funny because just as you were saying, “I’m single,” I was about to say, “You’re not.” Because we have to look at what this idea of singlehood is. We’ve got this word “single” which captures somebody who’s not got a long-term relationship. Ms. Tippett: But I have so much love in my life. Mr. de Botton: That’s right. And another way of looking at love is connection. We’re all the time, we are hardwired to seek connections with others. And that is, in a sense, at a kind of granular level, what love is. Love is connection. And insofar as one is alive and one is in buoyant, relatively buoyant spirit some of the time, it’s because we are connected. And we can take pride in how flexible our minds ultimately are about where that connection is coming. And I think it’s also worth saying that, for some people, relationships are not necessarily the place where they encounter their best selves, that actually, the person that they are in a relationship is not the person that they want to be or that they can be in other areas of life, that they feel that there are other possibilities that they’d like to explore.

[@djayjp]

No I think the solution is to reprogram (or deprogram) oneself to not find such neuroses attractive in the first place. After all, you didn't address the remaining contradiction: that you are with that person *because* you find such attractive, so by responding differently, then that subverts that basis of attraction/neurosis in the first place.

[@colunizator]

2 months on Tinder. 0 Matches. That's a live achievement in picking difficult partners

[@stephengreico2810]

Mihail Colun tinder is BS

[@shojin6945]

I...I don't want to suffer for another person. I can't even suffer for myself. So advice for those who are looking for love: Love yourself before you can love someone else. Self-love is important too!

[@LaitoChen]

You should sell T-shirts;

[@neverdreampeace]

Ayeee bts new album

[@CarbonUnitX]

This is so true! It takes some serious introspection (and, unfortunately, often some really bad experiences) to get to know oneself well enough to find that self-acceptance and love. Some people work towards that with a partner but others.... we're better off sorting ourselves out first.

[@theboringkaren]

Oh, no. I never had love as a child. No wonder I can't find any.

[@kristinabaker4433]

I feel you same here

[@ashleysartattack5600]

I didn’t either. But I have a wonderful boyfriend now. But the video is true. He’s also the unloved person in his family out of everyone and he’s similar to my mother.

[@MrDigztheswagking]

Karen Murray sorry

[@juanesia7512]

wwe

[@Odinsday]

Every human can find some form of love in this world. Sometimes they are just found in unlikely places.

[@snuffles1469]

On face value this seems like we're programmed to look for toxic relationships, but it actually makes a lot fo practical sense. Since everybody has some sort of issue, we will never find a person who is that perfect, balanced partner. Instead we find someone who understands our issues and whose issues we in turn understand and have experience with. We then work to coexist as best as possible which is more likely because we have experience with their idiosyncratic shortcomings.

[@lauracavalcanti2157]

We all deserve the good kind of love, not abusive one

[@user-ho8tl9wj7k]

Mental abuse is the dangerous one

[@jackthorton10]

Exactly.

[@mirandaschalen]

Does not apply to a narcissist. Just go for a wholesome type you're less attracted to but won't murder your soul.

[@spicielinguinie5109]

mirandaschalen even simpler solution than that: don't breed if you are one.

[@LaitoChen]

yip, everyone who breaks your heart is a narcissist. The internets favourite personality disorder for exes

[@spicielinguinie5109]

Prince Blake we get it, you're a compulsive contrarian.

[@LaitoChen]

Fancy!! Maybe ask a grown-up what those words mean before you trip over them

[@spicielinguinie5109]

Prince Blake weak banter

[@InternetMother]

Honestly, I needed this. After five and half year of almost no fighting (or petty fighting) my partner and I have really been conflicting recently. I'm glad I watched this.

[@anydae]

This is hard to accept and think about.....

[@jimbo8220]

life's a piece of shit... when it comes to it...

[@7tails528]

Nah, there's always a better option. This is too accepting of scars that could be done away with. Never accept what you can improve!

[@jimbo8220]

exactly- well said

[@Lucifronz]

+Molita Lee With everything, there is a halfway point you should be aiming for. Some things you have to accept. A short-fused person isn't going to suddenly become more calm in everyday situations. That doesn't mean they'd *never* change, they might, but you have to be prepared for the reality that some people just don't want to change an aspect of their behavior. You have to decide whether you can live with that aspect or if you need something more. Saying that you can change them when you know you can't is naive and perhaps a bit selfish. For the inverse, it's childish and immature to pretend "you can never change them, so why even bother?"

[@natachaviana100]

This may be true to some people, but for others is the complete oposite. They look for what they didn't have in childhood.

[@MXRGP96]

Natacha Viana agreed!!

[@tekitoi]

We totally can change our template of attractions. Healing childhood traumas is the way out of being hopelessly devoted to being miserable. It's a long and hard work but it's worth it, we're worth it. Doing the shadow work is where it's at. 🥰😍

[@neuroboy1153]

At least this has gotten everyone to think about "Love." The single most valuable gift in the world.

[@sten260]

you dumb? 2018 Bugatti Veyron is the most valuable gift.

[@Equistta]

Kinda sums up golden wisdom I learned before... 10% of life is about what happens to you; the other 90% is about how you respond to it.

[@Edgaratc]

So you’re saying my girlfriend is my moms replacement ?😐

[@iamabee4452]

Edgaratc freud has a few things to say to you

[@solidsnake3531]

well it's better than the other way around :P

[@thekingmeruem]

Solid Snake why are we still here ? just to suffer ?

[@TomasBeing]

only if you're not aware of your preconditioning and the inner self

[@GenJotsu]

Doesn't have to be if you're already aware of your predisposition, or if happenstance dictated a different outcome.

[@DracoVolantus]

i started crying watching this

[@RisenOswald]

why?

[@angellacanfora]

This is good advice for caregivers dealing with a difficult parent. You have to remind yourself daily that when they yell or make cutting comments it's not really about you. That it stems from parts of their past you may never understand. It can be exhausting to always have to be the adult, the bigger person but if you don't respond to the baiting peace reigns in the end.

[@EmperorOfCookies]

this makes all so much sense... i've liked this guy for 3 years now and we've always been on and off, i just recently started to notice similarities between him and my older brother (whom was such a dominant, caring figure in my childhood). whatever people tell me, i can't let go of him because everything he does is so familiar

[@sasakiumiquema9608]

Relationships are more complexed than what this chart has to offer.

[@rejectwokeness1314]

Why don't people realize relationships is not about suffering but about being happier than being alone? It's as simple as that.

[@colinogorman8279]

True many don't seem to realise this

[@cris70ize14]

I'm amazed that something like this showed up in this time of my life, I feel like I'm being watched

[@PiOfficial]

Cris70ize same haha

[@nisansala100]

We are all being watched by Google. :-)

[@JoyAileen]

This is so interesting!!

[@aaronbarber461]

Nice hair hit me up

[@lostandfound3588]

hit me up,nice hair by the way

[@Jordan-ih5bo]

Nice hair! Hit me up btw

[@elgiron5600]

Johannajoins Nice up, hit me hair 😎

[@Defy_Convention]

Hair

[@Zantie07]

Very true. My mother and father were not good parents. My grandparents raised me. So looking for a partner, my mother and father tought me what I didn't want. My grandparents tought me what I did want. I married my soulmate. He is exaclty like my grandfather. Soft spoken, calm and loving. He is the water to my fire. I'm a firecracker. Yet, we never argue. We have been together for almost 7 years and only had 3 small arguments. My marriage is pure bliss!

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can text/call [phone] or reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@DeutschFuerEuch]

Although I do very much appreciate this perspective on the whole topic, I feel like this specific issue - who we love and feel attracted to is not based on who is good for us, but largely on who our parents were (to us) - is being repackaged over and over again. The varying illustrations are certainly nice but I doubt that is enough to make it new ;)

[@ChuggieBoon]

Deutsch für Euch you get an A+. Good job!

[@bolivar1789]

Hello there! I really don't mean to offend you but may be we shouldn't call it " re-packing" but rather " CONSOLIDATION" . As a language teacher I am sure you know how much repetition is necessary to really truly " learn" something. And in this particular case, when it comes to insights about human psychology, it is not only about learning them but also about "integrating" them into our lives, which seriously requiers a lot of repetition. There was an edition of the newspaper ZEIT long time ago, where the main theme was education. They said that the best way of giving a reasonable education is " wenig Stoff und viele Wiederholungen". And here is a nice metaphor: Imagine how many times you have to hit a nail, for it to be really fixed properly. It is the same with the insights in our minds. Jedenfalls viele liebe Grüße und schönen Abend noch :- )

[@PaperDragons]

Deutsch für Euch - Perhaps because it is true. With the world saturated in mindless negative noise, I am sure we have the capacity to allow a positive and thoughtful attempt at education to exist without taking a big shit on it. ;)

[@nefigushki]

There is a saying in russian, that would be translated as "Repetition is the mother of learning". I do find it helpful to refresh some familiar ideas, especially in today's world of rather excessive information :)

[@jeriljm6331]

Deutsch für Euch I agree, they need new ideas. but maybe the message is important enough to be told again?

[@JaykobStevens]

I enjoy the school of life content, but I feel that many of the videos are the same variation on childhood issues and sometimes draw too heavily on Freudian psychology instead of a more balanced and modern approach to psychology that involves a lot more perspective

[@staciegreen315]

JasonoftheFreeMason I agree with your point... But, you would seem a lot more intelligent if you used proper punctuation. You have ONE run on PARAGRAPH... Including a "sigh". That should be completely separated from the rest of what you're saying.

[@moviesnight4722]

You mean . . it's for beginners in life

[@nicoleilag]

I agree with you. In my psychology class, I learned that children absorb so much from birth to around 12. So much development goes on not just physically but neurally as well. Hence when children learn a second language or a hobby like playing the piano at an early age, it sticks well throughout their life. I would imagine that that's how it works for seemingly minor things like reactions to different social behaviors. Not sure if that's considered Freudian as well but just a thought.

[@innerworth]

A lot of people pick the partner that recreates the drama they had with their parents when they were children in a way that seeks to subconsciously resolve that particular drama

[@m.offord4836]

I was in a relationship with someone who had npd and nearly destroyed me with their 'tricky behaviors'. Some ppl could watch this and stay in relationships like that which worries me.

[@littlefoot-od9xj]

Mairead Offord Exactly!! I was thinking the same! It might fit to some kind of relationships but it's not showing all the varieties

[@cezardecosta]

Using philosophy to solve existential questions is great. Alain de Botton just forgot that there are also abusive and mentally ill people in this world, and people being exploited by them.

[@KericthePally]

My ex was BPD, I feel your pain

[@لمىالشريف-غ8ك]

There are levels of each disorder.

[@hamfood9658]

I am sorry you had to endure that :( I hope things are better. I think what Alain was trying to describe is when we find those really good mates whom have those issues that can be adjusted to, it's ok to work with (given how THE SCHOOL OF LIFE is all about "good enough" philosophy, teaching perfection is impossible.) But definitely it should be taught that relationships involving manipulation, chronic lies, abuse, stealing, etc are simply unhealthy. For this video I see it as a relationship that's healthy for the majority of the time.

[@pizzachulmao8012]

Woah... your videos are always so great. This is so accurate, really makes you think about your lovelife. I did sometimes think my boyfriend acts like my dad, in a bad way, and this explains it, thank you.

[@realtorforlouisiana]

After watching this I made notes on past partners I've had and identified 3 specific types that I frequently encountered. Then I compared them to my caregivers and saw exactly what this video expressed. Finally, I looked over my current partner, and the one Ex that I never had issues with, and saw how similar those 2 are and what worked. the ex and I were only 18 when we met, and we only parted due to distance and silly young adult things. My current partner and I have been connected for so long, it's unlikely to falter, but even if it were to end, I don't think it would ever be for any of the hurtful behaviors we encountered in our pasts. Thank you for the inspiration to reflect.

[@n.ff.]

Oh my. With all the nasty things going on in this world, the horrible people we deal with (especially on a professional level at work), the difficulties we face daily; I can safely say that I don’t need a complicated partner who’ll add more complexity to my world. I honestly need an easygoing person, caring and loving, and most importantly, understanding.

[@LaitoChen]

I have a thesaurus in my pants if you need more meaningless adjectives....oh wait that's my, well I'll be, there really *is* a thesaurus in my pants

[@pixequil]

Uh yeah, can't relate to any of this

[@anow2]

Good for you Hazel! I'm glad you shared your opinion in the comments, I'm sure you unable to relate will add a lot to the discussion!

[@pixequil]

Okay let me elaborate. I find it weird that I can't relate to this, since I have had bad experiences with my parents and with those who I tried to have romantic interest in. However, the problems were extremely different, and this video made it out like that's impossible

[@ak4everamystery]

I’m glad I’m not the only one! The message I got was to act with maturity, which to me, means that the right thing to do is avoid any conflict in the first place by searching for healthy personality traits in potential partners, rather than acting by instinct and searching for your parent(s) mistakes

[@michaelgraham1218]

Hazel Cricket be happy 😂😂😂

[@net_lag]

Also the title doesn't make sense.. the content is valuable but not so relatable..

[@xo4788]

Hence why I was in a toxic relationship for almost 3 years

[@elianamartins4794]

I can understand the perspective of the video, but I also think the message it sends is not the best. Accepting your partners' childish behaviour and facing it as if it was you who should learn how to deal with it only leads people to unhealthy and unhappy relationships. I already had a relationship with a guy with many issues. The best thing I did was leaving him and find a nice guy who makes me much happier :)