Why You Can't Stay: Understanding the Mind of a Narcissist with Dr. Les Carter

[@goldalevin869]

A trap I fell into was th8nking that the narc thinks like a normal person. These people are vile.

[@aijazsiddique8713]

Haven’t we all? 😢

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

That was my biggest issue.

[@Oceansgreen]

Yes they are, they are nasty people… so self centred and entitled 😡😡

[@pj3770]

That's the perfect word for them.

[@kernjames]

Yes the Narcissist can seem very vile and nasty. Just the same, I don't want to hate the Narcissist. Dr. C. said in another video, hating the Narcissist can cause us to become like the narcissist. Hate takes a lot of energy and my wish is to never speak to the person again. I want to feel indifferent towards the Narcissist and not hatred. I know I will sometimes revert to hatred and contempt when it comes to the narcissist. Dealing with a narcissist would challenge the patience of a Saint.

[@SheilaDay-k6q]

It is impossible to have a loving, reciprocal relationship with a narcissist.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I agree

[@amandaa3713]

@user You can say that again.

[@Oceansgreen]

Yes it is… they don’t know how to love… their partners/spouse are objects, there to be used when it suits them.. the narc will put their partners on the back burner and go do something that appeals to them more than doing something with their partner/spouse.

[@violajoseph8549]

It's always gone be one-sided

[@violajoseph8549]

​@user-kf3yz7so6q it's all about them, not you, me..me..me😂

[@KBArchery]

Loving them is killing you ❤

[@ThePossumone]

yes when helping them is harming you SO TRUE - and this goes for other relationships I find too !

[@Oceansgreen]

@@ThePossumoneThere’s no point to loving them because they don’t understand love… they can’t love you back… you’re fighting a losing battle…I’ve found this out after 37 years with one… they pretend to love you, they try to fool you but, eventually their partners will feel that they aren’t loved or valued because the narc can’t give what they havn’t got and their imitation love is exposed.

[@valerieward4044]

Our love that we have to give is precious. Yet they don't know it or even care. Why do we keep trying? It is senseless & soul destroying. We are told in the scriptures. "Don't throw pearls to swine." It hurts so much to realize that they can't be helped. So have to walk away. Why do I feel a failure that this is what I had to do? Still trying to convince myself that it has nothing to do with me, not my fault that he is this way. He is the one responsible to fix himself. But he sees nothing wrong in himself.

[@ReporeneeBabe]

@@valerieward4044it’s confusing because he has enough good and sincerity that keeps me upended… That’s keeping me immobile.

[@dontworrybehappy150]

Yes, my narc ex almost broke me. I realized that he didn't love me or want me to be happy. I was anxious, depressed, and experienced physical symptoms of stress. After 17 years of marriage I had heart palpitations, which was scary and the last straw for me. When the heart doctor said there wasn't a physical cause, I sought help from a therapist in secret because it was prohibited to speak to anyone about personal business, per my ex and his family. My ex kept me isolated from my family and from having any close friends. Narcissism wasn't recognized 28 years ago, but the therapist knew that I was in a verbally abusive marriage. She warned me that if my ex had lost control of me verbally, the abuse would become physical, which it did. Also, he purchased a handgun and practiced shooting. My narc ex became a vindictive monster when I stood up to him. I was in a very dangerous position and somehow survived, but I believe I suffer CPTSD as a consequence. Please stay safe, everyone.

[@lindawheeler3479]

The Christian councilor that got me out said this early on:: if he comes here I will not counsel him, if you 2 want couple's counciling I will not do that, but if you want a new life then I can get you out He can never be helped; he will never respond to counseling. I have a new life.

[@chrissemenko628]

Good councilor!👏👏

[@laurasteinbuch9988]

Great job! Me too!?♥️♥️♥️

[@valerieward4044]

So happy for you.

[@caroleminke6116]

Exactly

[@balanceskateboarding8807]

Wish I knew how to escape. What kind of steps and advice did your counsellor give you? I'm stuck!

[@rochellet1333]

They are evil. Period! Get out, and don't look back.

[@KansasMiss-mf4bj]

I agree! They are the Devil themselves. They lie, cheat, and steal.

[@marilynng4337]

It's so hard. My adult son and his wife are both narcs. I can't leave my grandkids Jesus is helping me get through my very painful journey with them

[@gregpendrey6711]

You can never go back. If you do they will get revenge and it will be at least 100 times worse.

[@miller5170]

Theyre broken but they NEED everyone to give them consequences and non tolerance .. EVERYONE.. just like a toddler who has sled control issues. They are unable to feel normal guilt bc they live in protecting their ego from shame. So you’re literally dealing with a toddler with behavior issues who also is bigger and smarter but ruled by an immature level of brain functioning and ego. They need to be taught by losing and hitting Rock bottom. Unfortunately the world is full Of losers and people who will feed into them and join them too that’s why they don’t change! On a society where we walked way and spoke up and fired them etc they would have to learn respect even if it was to make Sure they didn’t get scolded or kicked out of a group

[@janenerafie6609]

Im going through the same. They had me leave and now I am unable to see my granddaughter. How is it going with you?​@marilynng4337

[@Peachy_Pea_007]

Richard Grannon says we must give up hope on the narcissist. A brutal, yet accurate truth. Give up hope on them! Accept truth & move on.👈

[@caroleminke6116]

He also said if it’s not rejection then it’s not narcissism ❤️‍🩹 control, punish & reject is the lifelong pattern with narcissists because they’re still enmeshed with mother

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

Absolutely 💯 I’m a strong sigma empathetic and was rough ❤strains the body can kill you that’s what they want I swear lol 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏run

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Richard Grannon. Enamoured with himself, exhibits narcissistic traits.

[@balanceskateboarding8807]

​@@tammyfitzgerald5336​ thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I wish I could leave I don't know how to! I know he only loves himself. I know I don't love this man who showed me his true colours/character. I've been with him since I left my parents home, 23years married and four kids together. He's told me he'll fight for our kids and make it a dirty fight. He doesn't want me but won't leave himself or let me leave either! I'm at the stage of radical acceptance and self care, grey rocking. If you can share how you escaped or what you suggest I'd be grateful. Thank you. Peace be with you. 🙏♥️

[@ClaraBrown-o2o]

​@@tammyfitzgerald5336Yes with the quickness ❤️

[@emiliaa6175]

I love you both! Excited about this collaboration! (Still) married 18 years, but I realized at year 16 what I was dealing with. I started to have a breakdown after trying everything including going to the church for help. He refused to go to counseling, won’t talk to me, church took his side and now he goes to the church by himself and plays his guitar on stage. I have always felt alone being in the relationship. I always believed him that it was me and I had all the issues. I started getting therapy and directing my energy on myself, I enrolled in graduate school majoring in Psychology. I plan on getting my doctorate and being a changemaker. I am going to be what I didn’t have to someone else.

[@kendallkeyser1850]

So proud of you.

[@truthseeker-mk4rt]

That's Amazing that you're achieving all this and that you will be helping so many other people too. ❤ Congratulations 🎉🎉 Yes I understand. The ex rushed off to church with his mask on and did a massive smear campaign and I was asked to leave the church, where I attended before I even met him, and where I used to be in the Worship team and a facilitator on courses. Felt double betrayed. But now I see it clearly. The pastor and all those who believed his lies ... aided him. I'm at Peace now...🙏🏻🕊 because God Saw Allll the Narcisstic Abuse and God Rescued me from that abusive malignant covert man. I Give God ALLLLL the Glory 🙏🏻🙌🏻🕊

[@tpolishgal]

Get that degree then leave. If you left then good for you. Run.

[@steadypace1262]

Narcissist's get good narcissistic supply when they are in a Church, their workplace is another venue they can obtain that. On stage means they are in the spotlight and a narcissist would love that. Hopefully the Pastor is a good teacher and some good can come out of it, focusing on yourself is the best thing to do. Stay happy and healthy.🌻

[@Emotionalarcheologist]

Please find the courage and strength to leave. I stayed 26 years and although I also noticed the pattern of behavior and started to choose myself, I stayed and refused to leave, because I thought he loved me and I loved him. I wish I would’ve left way earlier. The mental health damage it causes wasn’t worth it. And in the end they choose someone new who has no idea the monster that they are!

[@lil--mo2025]

The intermittent reinforcement is what creates the trauma bond. I believe highly manipulative people instinctively know this. I think this is why these types of people are so charming and have such a skill at gaining followers.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I agree 💯💯

[@annbolton5626]

💯💯💯 🕯️🕯️🕯️

[@caroleminke6116]

They know exactly what they’re doing just like a car salesman or any con artist trying to get your trust while they fleece you big time

[@Portia620]

Yep!! Pavlovian conditioning!! Similar to a slot machine that triggers the dopamine pathways in the brain!!! The cult of one!!!

[@richardbensinger6922]

Great illustration. ​@@caroleminke6116

[@melrei64]

Whenever I dared to ask for some level of accountability or share my emotions, my narc always said, "well if you don't like it then get the f**k out." So one day, I did. Best thing I ever did for myself! It took me far too long, but I did and that's the important part. If you're reading this, you deserve better. Get out! They won't change. Love yourself enough to leave.

[@valerieward4044]

I remember doing that also. Lying beside him crying in the dark.

[@caroleminke6116]

Which he ignored or enjoyed 🤦‍♀️ not love 👩

[@LiliVanilli248]

@@caroleminke6116 Or got mad at - also not love.

[@brendarewan7441]

Move to another room until you can move out. Start doing things alone. I read a post that said this about the silent treatment “they are teaching you how to live without them “.

[@jnorway7295]

Been there. Done that 😢.... Now divorced.

[@valerieward4044]

Get out while you can. I have finally found total freedom from this bondage 2 months ago. After many years of putting up with what I realize now was nothing but crap. I am out. I am finding everyone so encouraging & supportive because they had known about him & seen through his facade ages ago. Now I am able to be my authentic self. Anyone who is is battling with feelings of fear about making a change. Take it from me. Go for it. Get out. You will be amazed at how you can thrive without them. Get a suppirt network behind you first to help you. You can do it. Get away from that Life Thief. And you will truly know how great life can be. God bless you. 🙏🙏

[@MT-tx7bu]

"The contradictory behavior" Exactly! There is this below the surface contempt that is always present. You can feel it. It's in the air. Even when they're smiling or making nice, they are working those wheels in their head. Then, without notice, they cut you off and blame you for it. It's soul crushing.

[@cdorothy444]

Faking

[@denisedevoto5703]

The constant contempt is soul crushing, but I admit I had nothing but contempt for him the last few months I was with him. Serious and deep contempt. Maybe I have narc traits.

[@PaigeSquared]

​@@denisedevoto5703more likely what they call "fleas" in narc abuse recovery circles. I'm pretty sure that is a *very normal,* very human response to a repeated frustration in which you were not fully empowered to protect nor pursue your best interests. At your core is a sense of self preservation, and you had identified a threat. I'm pretty sure that means your head is working. 😊❤ Our responses were very normal, it is the circumstances that were abnormal.

[@denisedevoto5703]

@@PaigeSquared thanks.

[@cassiebennet4262]

I can almost always feel that "below the surface contempt."

[@lynndupree1205]

A big "tell" is a person who consistently overtalks you. It's like you don't exist, or your opinion or comments have no value. And if you stay long enough it eventually takes a toll on your self esteem. I'm past self blame now. I have accepted that he will never change, and my current goal, with help from my counselor, is to get out safely.

[@VoxLesPaul]

Yep, ex-wife would talk over me. Now, she's my ex-wife.

[@scalab1]

Get out!

[@vivianeprudentiabuelens9142]

I sincerely wish you do but you will need help ❤️‼️

[@TheRealTJErnie]

Yes, yes, my ex narc would do just that. Talk over me when I didnt finish my point or tried to defend myself or when I was a giving a valid and truthful argument.

[@LadyDivaD1AnOnly]

You are telling the absolute truth. My ex narc husband would yell loudly to talk over me when I was trying to talk reasonably with him. Sadly he had something that seemed like an internal button hearing shut off button inside of him that he'd turn on to make it so he couldn't hear anything I'd say or said.

[@KatieHiggins-hc1ph]

Unapologetic, un remorseful abusers , who will not take responsibility for their wrong doing will never change. Accountability and commitment to improvement are crucial to any relationship.

[@beverlyfricke4254]

Right on

[@time_2_get_ready]

My ex narc "husband" actually gave me the KEY to the castle door when, as an abusive alcoholic, he told me that the problem was MINE, not his! Well, thank you! Yes, it IS my problem and therefore it is MINE to find a solution to that problem - GOOD BYE! 🙋‍♀😃

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Sad how they don’t see the truth.

[@lucyt-c8092]

exactly the same for me !

[@k60c85]

Good perspective

[@vivy45]

That is amazing insight! What an eye opener for you to realize you had a choice, and then you acted in your own best interest. What a champion you are!

[@time_2_get_ready]

@@vivy45 It nearly killed me on every level but by the grace of God, I'm still alive to tell the tale.

[@stephaniehepler8341]

I am finally divorcing after 18 years of abuse and noticing just how prevalent his manipulation has been. I have been avoiding him & grey rocking, but now my kids think I’m the mean one. I can’t interact with this man. He almost drove me to insanity & I’m always sick due to the stress. I will not underestimate how much more damage he is capable of doing to me & my life. He has definitively shortened my lifespan & these have been the most painful lonely years of my life. I will make a new life & be happy. He no longer has power over me.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Oh I’m rooting for you!

[@marcypeyton4867]

You need to take your control back. Get strong. Forgive yourself for being duped by their selfish, manipulative, deceitful behavior. They are sick. They are suffering from their own demons. You can't fix them. Here's what you do: Stop. Set BIG boundaries. SHOW YOURSELF SOME LOVE because they are not truly capable of loving unconditionally. You need to TAKE YOUR POWER BACK and live YOUR life for YOU. Do NOT engage. You can still be polite or civil but do NOT play their game. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Live it wisely. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. 34 years of marriage for me. And I'm aware, disengaged from the toxic family and HAPPY because I KNOW I am a kind and giving person. They are TAKERS. They'll find another source soon enough.

[@leonasweny1525]

Hi Stephanie, yes I’ve been married to a narcissist for 40 years, I never understood what a narcissist was or what gaslighting was until I started watching these videos. He has definitely destroyed my life.Yes my adult kids think I’m the mean one,and won’t listen to me when I try to tell them what he’s been like. Everyone thinks he’s a great guy . I have become a broken woman .

[@seameology]

The hardest part is the kids, I know. So sorry. But eventually the kids will see. Unfortunately my daughters did but chose Dad because of his money. They stated so as college students. I was able to let that go, finally since they did see and then make a choice. They're in their 40's now and no contact with me. But I really can't stand to be around their lifestyle choices, anyway. I'm at peace with it.

[@ABCD-si7px]

You can help the children understand.

[@zealiabella8553]

My dad is a narcissist. It was hell growing up. I have also found myself attractive to men like him, until I’ve healed myself and see these men for who they really are at first interaction. You can never change or heal for them ladies. Just save yourself the sanity and walk away. There’s 8 billions of us here.💛

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Such powerful advice. Thank you.

[@rochellet1333]

They are evil. Never return and dont look back.

[@healup3796]

​@rochellet1333 I feel bad for my husband because he was hurt as a child, It's breaking my heart to leave him, but he hurt me and my kids so bad, When they were growing up.

[@nildabridgeman8104]

​​@@healup3796my ex was also verbally and emotionally hurt as a child. I felt bad for him. I divorced him 3 years ago & he RARELY sees his 5 children, doesn't call or write them. He's promised them many times to come & see them & he rarely keeps his promises to them. They're beginning to accept & understand who he is

[@beverlystover3987]

Same. Just keep going and learning about this personality style. It’s the best thing that you can do for you your children and perhaps for him but that it his work to do.

[@tc3894]

Took me 15 years to try to make it work! The repetition of same thing happened and happened all over again and again! My fault was always and in everything! Food was never good enough, the way I look, dress and do things was always not right and I was the one that was not ,, normal”

[@BNyaB]

🥺🥺

[@maryjmoorman8276]

May you all receive the help, strength and healing you need to recover and live the free, healthy, joyful life that is possible only with Jesus.

[@lindahubbard-brinston6741]

I was married for nearly 30 years and lived in the Jekyll/Hyde universe of narcissism. It was an environment wrought with craziness, and I finally divorced him. The two of you are speaking the truth about ALL of the character flaws and manipulation that narcissists come fully loaded with. Blessings & Aloha 🌺

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Horrible that you went through that. 😪

[@dswanson82]

I think we might have a lot in common- if you know what this means… oooh ooop! Id love to follow up with you bc being married to a narc is another thing we have/had in common. Please let me know if you’re available to talk.🔺❤

[@virginiaethier6236]

Been with my soon to be narcissistic ex husband for 21 yrs. Finally was honest with myself to know how toxic this guy has always been & will never change! It rips my heart & soul to the core but I know much better things will happen in my life when I escape this guy! I have filed for divorce and am excited to finally be able to find peace!!

[@mikimiki6202]

​@@virginiaethier6236how is it going

[@OfSoulAndSin]

You misspelled her

[@sanddune3804]

Spoken or insinuated imperatives all day every day means there is no room for autonomy or any hope of a real connected conversation! This is a big red flag and a living nightmare. Thank you for this concise video with Dr. Carter. I needed this today.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I’m so glad it was helpful.

[@imsaltylit3101]

Yes!!! 😩 some might say it’s a “mind F” but I see it as nervous system screwing torment . What kind of person is 100% of the time incapable of having normal healthy conversation without accusing and insinuating ?…. My husband. He lives to provoke, talk over me, slam doors and intimidate, disrespect, use, blame shift , and startle me awake of ofcourse .

[@twelfthhour]

​@@imsaltylit3101 so relatable 😢

[@caroleminke6116]

@@imsaltylit3101❤️‍🩹 go gray rock plz starve his emotional supply but be safe!

[@caroleminke6116]

Narcs are just toddlers enmeshed with mommy & cannot function like normal healthy adults period.

[@robyncampbell9624]

Kerry that happened to me too the narcissist was using me as a room mate and using my money thank you for your good videos

[@balanceskateboarding8807]

Yep room mate house cleaner cook ect😞

[@never4saken165]

Same here, his number was saved in my phone as roommate

[@karenyuhas5276]

The only hope is to leave...

[@never4saken165]

Amen !

[@lynnomondi4899]

Correct

[@edriley2703]

When a narcissist's daughter says that her mother is "the devil" - not "a devil" - but "THE devil," it definitely got my attention.

[@denisedevoto5703]

Mine is just a whiny B.

[@Thunder-lightning852]

It’s not fair to compare a narcissist to a devil it’s just not right to do that to a devil😂

[@cindipierce1478]

My husband's own mother called him " Diablo" I know why

[@hardlines2635]

@@cindipierce1478it’s one of my favourite wines, from the devil’s cellar 😂

[@ThePossumone]

@@Thunder-lightning852 NOT FAIR on the devil?? I hear you

[@SurvivorC]

WOW! Healthy relationships don't take work/aren't complicated!!! No one told me that growing up. I was told they take hard work.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

News to me too.

[@turquoisemama33]

@@KerryMcAvoyPhD Yeah, I don't think I agree with you on this. Are they easy at times, yes, but hard most of the time. And we have an enemy that actively tries to sabotage them, not to mention, but we do, the sabotaging we do ourselves. Also, when you throw in autism, a very much difficult condition in of itself, the horizonal relationships are not at all easy, FACT.

[@gregpendrey6711]

Don't walk, run! You'll see that it actually is black and white. Especially for the nar. Subscribe to Sam Vaknin for more on this. 💙😎

[@FloridaGirl-]

I’ve used that phrase all my life. A relationship (with anyone), shouldn’t take that much work. If it does, it’s not working. That’s a fact.

[@turquoisemama33]

I would like to see a healthy relationship in action. Is it indeed easy? I'm in my fifties, is it too late to have a good relationship with anyone? I'm also autistic, so, is it hopeless to expect any good relationships to happen? I'm also a Christian and a relationship with The Lord Jesus Christ isn't always easy, and it's not Him. And it is indeed working. Is this neurotypical thinking that I am being presented with or just a denial of the true facts. I'm not trying to be offensive or combative, I honestly don't get what you people are saying. Relationships are VERY hard for me.

[@susanservin1949]

After years of abuse and him refusing couseling (he said it was all my fault), I left. He filed for divorce. It was a relief.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I’ll bet it was a huge relief. Glad you’re out.

[@Freefolkcreate]

Narcs seem to think that criticism and complaining is their "gift" to humanity.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Yeah it seems so

[@carmenbrett6806]

It's perfectly fine to walk away. I'm not the problem. Im perfectly fine the way I am. 😊

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

My stepfather was paranoid schizophrenic and a malignant narcissist.. I’m so glad my kids never met this demon .

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Wow! That’s a very scary combination.

[@jackiepowell7513]

The former is the worst of the disorders. They can be dangerous believing someone s going to hurt them.

[@donnaleone9895]

Oh, no. These people behave like they're possessed. Some of them do make a great first impression. Wait until you marry one.😢😮

[@donnadumare]

​@@KerryMcAvoyPhDClinically they don't coexist, but it's an operational definition of toxicity

[@redmoondesignbeth9119]

I've followed Dr Carter for years. It's led me from a very oppressive life to now I'm living MY Dream. :)

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

That is FANTASTIC!

[@redmoondesignbeth9119]

@@KerryMcAvoyPhD Give him my love.

[@salrc8352]

So glad to hear that!

[@redmoondesignbeth9119]

@@salrc8352 ✌🥂😊 I'm going to share a bit because it's so odd. I'm 72 and live in Santa Fe because ever since I was very small my plan was to be a "Grandma Moses"..so I'm on track. And then these past few years I found out my Life was a Lie and I'm a bit disoriented. Turns out my Dad was not some Midwest Hick but the son of a powerful Chicago Gangster. I grew up in an isolated little house, down a dirt road in the middle of a cornfield which was the Hide Out. It had a noisy ghost. If my Grandfather had not died right before I was born I'd be the Sharon Stone character in Casino. My dad had that DeNiro stare. I was raised as a mutt but I have WOLF DNA.🐺 Then I found out I did NOT ruin my teen moms life. Her FIRST child was adopted by the SEARS CEO. Summers he worked at the Wis Playboy Club and hung out with G Carlin. I helped him move and I dont care how much $$ he has, it dosen't work for me.🤨 Then I hooked up with Carol who does geneology and I had not seen her since HS, 50 yr ago. Turns out my mentally abusive. EX was from MAGA country and is an Inbred Moron. (Medical term). His insanity was making me insane. The guy was a Purdue engineer. Who would have guessed.? And Carol turned out to be the Taco Bell Chef 😊 Our family histories zig zag since the Pilgrim days where both our Grandmas were hung as witches...and we are both related to Paul Revere's Grandparents on both sides. It's been crazy and I could go on but my Goal is to let go of the old history to allow New Stories. Thanks again Sir.♥️😄

[@marytaylor9504]

They have No Self-control!

[@healup3796]

Very true.

[@doctorstreamspunk9996]

Every narcissist I've ever known for a few years seems to want things to stay the way things were when we met. Y'know, back before I noticed their pattern of manipulation and power seeking tactics.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I agree. They do seem to want your naïveté back after destroying it.

[@lisahalford651]

Spot on!

[@vodkavuitton]

They narcissist is threatened by your independence

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

They are.

[@LoneStarLady-]

Yes, the contradictory behavior and actions create such a problem with cognitive dissonance. I think narcissists know how to choose people who are hopeful, trusting, loving, and that look for the best in others. They play to that by giving you breadcrumbs of change, sincerity, and love in their words and actions thencount on those of us who are kind, loving and forgiving to stick around in hopes of chance for improved relationship. Unfortunately, I have been a slow learner. That intermittent reinforcement really adds to the toxicity of a relationship with a narcissist.

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re not a slow learner! You just didn’t know what you didn’t know then ❤️‍🩹 now hug your wounded inner child & let her know you will stand up for her ♥️

[@clintonnagy1662]

Everything you posted I agree 💯. The contradictory behavior makes no sense. It became too much for me to deal with. I didn't notice at first but eventually became a big problem.

[@FloridaGirl-]

Yup when you finally find out the traits of a narc. That big question mark you HAD over your head, now becomes a LIGHT BULB. THEN, it all makes sense. RUN!!!

[@GracieDontPlayDat]

Could be DID. I have to watch Manchurian candidate every now and again to remind myself that the loving woman who was trying to help was the Target all along.

[@ckvarnmass]

The covert narc is slippery and slimy. They do so many acts of underhandedness. What always irked me was that no one saw this! I was the one who had to live and deal with his screw-ups, nastiness and having to always clean up those screw-ups and hide his nastiness to others. Everyone thought he was so wonderful a man. He would get glory, I would get put down if I tried to speak the truth. Soon after the divorce, a family member of mine had to deal with him as he truly was. She then pronounced to other family members, "No wonder she divorced him!"

[@jl4091]

It's been a 10 year ordeal.The only way is to detach completely.Dr C helped me a lot through those years.

[@caroleminke6116]

He’s the absolute gold standard & literally saved my life ❤️‍🩹

[@deb2319]

Most films are about Narcissists...i cannot stomach TV or movies after living thru such crap. What a great talk, love both your channels. Thank you!

[@mrs.conscious]

I completely understand this and I feel u. I just watch yt at this point and classic films

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Thank you so much!

[@chrissemenko628]

Yep. Look at the GLOBAL success of 50 shades!

[@clintonnagy1662]

I thought it was just me but I can't watch tv or movies either because of the same reason you posted. Especially after dealing with this last relationship.

[@Portia620]

@@chrissemenko628yES!!! It’s all money and selling their soul!!!!

[@motowngirl5891]

They are grown people, never feel sorry For these monsters, everything is say is a lie

[@SurlyMiss]

I love Dr.Carter,he’s helped me heal and understand so much. It’s changed my life.❤

[@lindastark8836]

"Motivation to stay stable - they don't want you disrupting their lives - and leaving is a major disruption." My narc ex husband was this to a T!!! I couldn't wrap my head around that!!! Sick individual.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

😪

[@mikimiki6202]

I don't get it either

[@lisapurnell2064]

It's crazy how he would always tell me I acted like I was perfect and don't do any wrong, whenever I tried to address the horrible narcissistic mess coming from him that was so hard to deal with. I will be the first one to say I'm not perfect, and I have things I need to work on, but you can't reason with him or get anywhere in conversation.. it's always that ridiculous 'tossed word salad'. And he seems to have no understanding.. or is he just acting like that to me?!?

[@cassiebennet4262]

"You don't do anything wrong" is something I hear frequently when he has acted like a complete fool.

[@brendarewan7441]

Oh my goodness same here. It gets on my nerves! No one really understands. They would have to be living it too and a lot of women are holding it inside with shame. And envious people will be glad to hear about it.

[@rossanderson5243]

They are self absorbed and we become self absorbed in trying to fix the problems. We become our enermy. All I'm hearing is right o n, but I find what I'm doing is not only for myself, but for workmates and family.. If it's emotional it's personal. Problem solving is logical. Manipulation is in the emotion and Manipulation is a type of force. Narcissism I feel has become a society problem.

[@caroleminke6116]

Toxic culture! Go gray rock plz stay in control & don’t react because it gives sick people supply

[@crowquilltarot]

You cannot reason with insanity. These relationships are not fixable. Extricate yourself any way possible. Just get out. The sooner we stop tolerating them, the sooner we heal personally, as well as culturally. Don't let this pattern affect your children and grandchildren.

[@melbaT2770]

Correct! Stop the generational curse!

[@brit0309]

Amen 🙏

[@jodycasey6936]

Anyone who is a friend of Dr. Carter is a friend of mine. Thank you !

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Thank you. ❤️

[@malcolmwaddilove1822]

So good,,,I was lost from who I really was,thank god I'm now finding myself again,Never have I met such a person in my life,now 68 years old❤

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I’m glad you’re healing!

[@malcolmwaddilove1822]

@@KerryMcAvoyPhD thank you! Now I'm trying to go no-contact❤️

[@CatherineOshea-kc9sp]

Yes I was accused of being ‘ too independent ‘ and felt the jealousy and competitiveness starting in the relationship. Life around me became very ‘shallow’.

[@CoachHadassah]

“When pleasing you is killing me” is so accurate. My health has suffered so bad and I can’t have that happen because I’m the caregiver for my special needs daughter. The narc WILL NOT care for her if I’m dead.

[@Kay.in.FL.HI.SA.JP.OZ.NZ.RIO..]

I've discovered that compatibility is a key factor. Incompatibile values, drives, communication styles, etc. often bring narcissistic traits to the forefront fastest. Yet, so many people become mates to people they're incompatible with!

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Interesting idea.

[@NLC0413]

This is true, however, most narcissists are so good at listening and conforming to your ways initially. They are so manipulative. When the mask comes off, and the true colors show, it's too late. Then, they use the very things against you that you shared with them when you thought you could be vulnerable with them because they were so wonderful in the beginning. They operate in a web of lies. They do not live in reality. It's difficult to understand what's happening when all of the sudden that person who was so compatible is now not that same person anymore. Crazy making at it's finest. I grew up with a narc mom and then married the exact male version of her. I'm so glad to finally understand what I was dealing with.

[@Kay.in.FL.HI.SA.JP.OZ.NZ.RIO..]

​@@NLC0413Yes; and knowing this, its moreso our personal responsibility to actively take progressive "deep dives" into a potential mate, early on; especially with those who seem too perfect, too conforming, too reserved, too maleable, too swooning, or do too much mirroring/concurring; who often listen without reglecting deeply & intimately thier own feelings etc.

[@SurvivorC]

My Narc didn't say those tightly scripted things, he was WAY MORE SUBTLE...it was the not speaking to me, refusing to work on things, discarding me as a human it was so confusing. Dr. C your books were part of my understanding what was happening to me! I didn't have the vocabulary to even ask for help. Your books helped me!

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

That’s wonderful!

[@salrc8352]

Yes, there isn’t as much information on this type. How do you establish “boundaries” with an avoidant who stays away from you and any useful conversation, doesn’t offer help, just wants to be left alone and acts like a single person letting the spouse do all the work? “Stop doing it” advice would end up with us being in default on bills and homeless.

[@agibby4848]

Yes! The silent treatment, stonewalling and the discards are so brutal….Im recovering ❤️‍🩹

[@cyeeda44]

The years spent with them and then you realize what they are and it all makes sense. You look back at situations and know for sure nothing could've changed the outcome. Its best to stay far away from the narc if possible.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I agree

[@phoenixd9679]

Thank you! 💕 exactly my narcissistic son 43 years old living with me, years I couldn’t find place to move out away from his growing demands , girlfriend reveals 4th month pregnant no place for her to live but in my home and zero contribution to bills! He trapped me responsible for all his needs ! 😢 help🙏💜 Baby is Precious 💜I am happy to become a grandma but not me responsible to raise grandchild , I’m not in good health myself which is totally ignored by my son !

[@orianam9835]

How on Earth he is still living with you with not contributing to bills. He is urresponisble and you also alowed it. He needs to get a job and either pay bills and buy groceries and raise his child in your home if you wish or move out if you also wish. Get some help. Talk to someone. State a boundary

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

I know you care deeply about your granddaughter and it’s wonderful, but you also need to know when things are not your circus and not your monkeys!!!! And I know there are no easy answers , think about what boundaries you want and what you can do along with what you absolutely will NOT do!!!!

[@susanmercurio1060]

The narcissists in my life run the apartment building where I live. After four years of homelessness and the restricted housing market, it's not so easy to leave. And I would bet that many people who you are advising to leave will encounter the same restricted housing market.

[@Jenifer_G]

From Australia, so very true, take care there and best to you.

[@SENSEF]

Totally! 10 years paying rent on time even during the pandemic yet they sold the rental townhouse right out from under my family and kicked us out for Christmas, right into the worst rental/housing market in history.

[@kims2963]

That is why you gotta' have Jesus, and He takes care of ya.

[@julievdw6748]

Yes it is agonizing Kerry. I do feel his loathing for me especially when I try gain any equality in the relationship. Yes the appearance of him trying and then me feeling confused and softening towards him, followed by some horrific betrayal. The conflicting behaviors, no safety ever. I always lived by the belief love will care how he feels. He didn't love at all. He slept so quickly and peacefully in the early years while I cried all night beside him in the dark. The crazy making pattern Dr Les...

[@TaeglicheNarzisst]

Same here different gender. ❤

[@chrissemenko628]

Or when they SAY, "I'm really trying" Yeah...for 1 day. Pfft.

[@TaeglicheNarzisst]

@@chrissemenko628 She claimed 3 times to be in therapy, today a fourth time. Gestalt, which I recommended her.

[@chrissemenko628]

Their favorite line: "Its because you triggered me!"

[@MissTRayne]

👈 i call it “ewwwwies” or “what about ewww?” Or the”dies” deny deny deny…. Wtf

[@caroleminke6116]

Yup 🤦‍♀️ zero insight 👩 mother enmeshment that I didn’t sign up for & cannot tolerate

[@wellinever1558]

Yes you provoked me so its your fault.

[@ramassist2]

@@wellinever1558 well it is your fault, confirmed the flying monkeys

[@Portia620]

People are accountable for their triggers!!

[@remarkable937]

@16:00 In the beginning he told the truth all the time. I was amazed, never met anyone like that before. Around the 8th month mark, the lies started but I doubted myself because he was always so truthful. Then it got to the point he lied more than he didn't. I guess they do that in the beginning to make you trust them and then...muahhh hahahaha

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Yes they do.

[@katherineg9396]

I remember reading when I was learning to train my dog that the inconsistent reward is the most effective one. Just like you said about narcissists.

[@L.Fontein7]

... in other words they treat us like we're dogs. That figures.

[@brandnewmein09]

⁠I was 38 years into the marriage when I realized that over the years,every time he told me “it’s all in your head!”, “you’re crazy!”, “I’m sick of your lying accusations!”, “you’re always interrogating me!”, I was actually right. He said all of the above every time I asked a question and his answer didn’t make sense, so I’d ask another question. His anger was ramped up every time I got close to the truth. Then the truth started falling right into my lap. He still tried to lie with the evidence right in front of both of us. I ran for my sanity. I agreed to counseling, and stuck with it only out of fear that divorce would be hell. He promised it wouldn’t be friendly. Here I am, he’s keeping that promise. My life is hell. I’d rather die than go through this. It just may kill me. I don’t have the strength to survive this. Why should I have to?

[@seameology]

Yes, you can survive. If you're fighting over property, think to yourself what's more important, your sanity or stuff. I gave up everything but that's me. I don't regret it. It's years later and none of it matters. Prayers for you if kids are involved. 🙏 That's harder.

[@brandnewmein09]

@ no kids. They are adults. I was a housewife for much of our marriage. I wanted to be a wife, mother and grandmother. I didn’t have big dreams about careers. I would work to help us when needed. You’re right about “stuff” and I agree. I’m 60 years old now. We were married for 39 years. It’s the financial part. I don’t want to take him to the cleaners. I just want what’s fair so I can survive. In California, it’s supposed to be 50/50 no matter what, unless there are extenuating circumstances. So now he’s been opening secret accounts. He’s opened two bank accounts and a coinbase account in secret…and even redirected his pensions, and secretly took money out of the IRA and transferred it to one of his new accounts. . But again, something having to do with the accounts drops right into my lap, and I find out. Here I am taking out a loan to start the divorce. He’s always been very vindictive, deceitful, sneaky as can be and lies are his nature. I just can’t fight anymore. Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate it.

[@seameology]

@@brandnewmein09 it sucks when they don't consider the work you did around the house as work. The nex told everyone that I never worked. Yet, after I left and he got a new supply, he eats it restaurants, has maids and they've paid through the nose for childcare. Because she "works". She's now retired and they still have this. So much for "I didn't work." You're worth it and you worked. I'd love to see a bill made up of this!

[@brandnewmein09]

@@seameology I agree…taking care of a husband, children and home is not 9-5, it’s 24/7, but we do it because we love our family. So they’ll pay a maid and childcare to do what you did without pay? Yours was a labor of love. Yeah, it needs to be considered. The nightmare, just because we got married. This is awful.

[@paulbrouyere1735]

Loved this video. Be aware, narcissists lack logic empathy

[@vodkavuitton]

They lack everything

[@hvanderp578]

My daughter has belittled me , been vile to me, even attacked me physically, and yet I loved her for 30 years, she made sure I felt so guilty for making her unhappy ( she told me frequently) that I would have done anything literally anything to make her happy….until a family member send me some articles on narcissism and everything fell into place…I have now stopped all contact with her but my heart is still broken, working hard to become whole again

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

What did she say to you? I mean...the things that made her unhappy ( in her eyes ).

[@leonasweny1525]

Stay strong ,she will never change. Look after you

[@lorianne4608]

Twenty years, on + off with this malignant narcissist. He spotted me, decided he wanted me + so he took me. He didn’t care that I was married. He threatened to tell my husband, who was a paranoid habitually smoked weed, morning to night. He definitely would’ve believed it. Nothing went on between us other than him stalking me. I left my home in fear. Unfortunately the abuse + bullying continued for two decades + to this moment. I wound up becoming trauma bonded. It’s an extremely toxic situation that will never change. It will get worse. Your health will deteriorate over time. I have MS + now I have mental issues. I can never recall what happened during each rage session. They will kill you over time with their words. I’m now 60 years old + alone. Still it continues. Get out asap

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

oh how terrifying. How are you doing?

[@FreedomofSpeech865]

You can get out!

[@danilaroche1156]

60 or 80..get out before he kills you. My ex narc husband almost killed me with his bare hands.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

Exactly 100% true, all of it you both described. A week before 911 was dialed, he said, "I'm trying so hard!". I thought WTF? Something is clearly wrong. What does that even mean? I don't have to "try" in relationships because I'm just myself and don't lie, cheat and have zero desire to wear a mask! My God our world is in a lot of trouble. If someone like myself is hurting so much and desperate to get the truth out.. there are millions more! MILLIONS!!! I don't want this job.. 😢but I feel called to help! Please, empath warriors rise up! THE TIME IS NOW!

[@nicholecornes1915]

I know

[@balanceskateboarding8807]

thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I wish I could leave I don't know how to! I know he only loves himself. I know I don't love this man who showed me his true colours/character. I've been with him since I left my parents home, 23years married and four kids together. He's told me he'll fight for our kids and make it a dirty fight. He doesn't want me but won't leave himself or let me leave either! I'm at the stage of radical acceptance and self care, grey rocking. If you can share how you escaped or what you suggest I'd be grateful. Thank you. Peace be with you. 🙏♥️

[@monalisa2662]

@@balanceskateboarding8807I feel your predicament. How old are your children? Mine are grown and I am 31 years in. I pray you will find a way out to freedom of mind, body, and soul.

[@agoodgurl2k]

I used to think what I'm about to say was mean-spirited, but "It's just not worth it!" Loving you is killing me. Period.

[@vodkavuitton]

Chile bye

[@jessicadrake652]

It gets old trying to have conversations over & over again that go absolutely nowhere.

[@miriam100ful]

dr Carter is just grrreat!

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Yes, he is!!

[@EricK-nm2gg]

With all the damage narcs do, we tend to vilify them. Dr Carter has a higher consciousness state in the way he sees them, and listening to him makes me feel compassion towards them instead of disgust and anger, I still know what to look out for, for my own well-being, but at the same time can use his wisdom to be at peace with myself.

[@chrissemenko628]

​@@EricK-nm2ggDr. George Simon is the same. No nonsense WITH compassion? Look up "The little Shanan" She's fantastic too!

[@user-22-]

Or…. They have absolutely NO emotional investment in the relationship (despite it always catering to THEIR tender ego..) & *NEVER* beg you to stay. Instead, after treating you horribly for no valid reason whatsoever, it’s “If I’m so terrible, why don’t you just LEAVE?? No one is stopping you!” 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ These people are not built like everyone else, they are *definitely* missing *vital* components that all the rest of us were born with! No different than a car getting wired wrong on the assembly line, it *LOOKS* normal but it will have electrical issues for the *LIFE* of the vehicle….. 🙁

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Yes! Such powerful points

[@susanjohnson8290]

He chocked out an “I still love you” and I responded actions speak louder than words. He never did one thing after that to prevent our divorce

[@julianterris]

Both my parents were narcissists, my mother said "We were toxic". That set me up to be attracted to toxic/dangerous people. I love both my parents -at a distance -because I accept #Reality.

[@caroleminke6116]

Both mind were narcs but I went no contact before they passed & still have trouble with trauma @ 66

[@Portia620]

Distance and I get it! Double edged situation and so sad

[@sandrahesketh9135]

Years ago before I understood about narcissism, I would bring up bad behaviors to my husband that he was doing. He would on occasion say, "OK, I won't do that anymore", and then of course the next time he would do the same thing. It was just empty words. I would tell him (this is when I thought he would listen to logic and reasoning) that it takes more than just saying that, but that would also fall on deaf ears. Unbelievably frustrating. I really, really tried to get through to him for years to no avail.

[@Itsmeandthatsok2]

It’s because, you don’t realize, that you’re dealing with someone that has no desire to even care about what you’re saying or care about you. It’s also because you think you’re having conversations with person on same level, but you’re not.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Me, too

[@brendarewan7441]

@@Itsmeandthatsok2 Yes to that!

[@mazermajestic]

Surviving narcissism is an amazing channel. I've observed that when a narcissist is inflicting emotional harm for their supply they seem collected and composed, however when things aren't going their way, that's when they lose control and may even become violent. This comprehension has helped me accept the abuse. Honestly I will tune into one of his videos following moments of invalidation just to feel at ease.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Surviving narcissism is. Love Dr. Carter’s work.

[@bekind7288]

When I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce after trying for 17 years, his response was "how embarrassing!".

[@Daveee-]

This is everything spot on that I’m going through with my adult 40 something son after 20 something years I’m no longer under his control he sees me as the bully and the controller because I now put up healthy boundaries that he has to live by when it comes to to not manipulating me I love my son but it’s really dangerous for me to give him an inch for him to take a mile

[@wellinever1558]

Yes me to mine is 35

[@Daveee-]

It’s even more abusive I think when the abuse comes from the grown up child that it’s clear to them we are not going to enable any more However hard it gets I feel much better letting go less trauma I mean trauma less abuse well more or less still causing issues new girlfriend yet again number 7 in 6 years living with him for me this one right off the get go is also a narcissist even had the cheek to admit it to my face that she is as a fact a narcissist it’s laughable these people have no shame or anything for me it’s a blessing in disguise Amen to that

[@vivianeprudentiabuelens9142]

EVERYTHING YOU SAY WILL (not can ) USED AGAINST YOU ‼️💜 14:55

[@balanceskateboarding8807]

Absolutely right! I say that too! He's the judge jurury & prosecutioner! God help me!

[@מלי-ש4ג]

I think everything you say but also what you don't say will be used against you . I have a narc mother . She did have very tragic life circumstances. In the name of my sense of justice I owe the truth to be said . Yet the unbelievable suffering I had to go through was unbelievable my older brother who is very attached to her also totally unaware & not less problematic. Till some years ago he told me how much he loves her etc' ... despite the fact that she abused him very badly too . Manipulated him as she always does . Showed no respect to none of her kids

[@never4saken165]

Omg so very true

[@kaylaly7811]

Wow, this video came at the perfect time for me. I've been going back and forth, trying to decide if I should get a divorce or not. It's very difficult because I still love him, but I'm tired of carry the load in the relationship. Your video just confirmed to me that this is an unhealthy relationship, and he will never change. So I have to decide. I'm just tired of feeling exhausted all the time, both physically and mentally, like the guy said, "Feeling like I'm always swimming up stream." Thank you for this video, it means a lot to me. ❤

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I’m so glad it was helpful!

[@tracyannaleclair9320]

I'm in that exact spot. I'm trying to remind myself of his character rather than remembering the good times and fun we had together.

[@leonasweny1525]

I’m 70 and only recently realised what was wrong in my marriage. This narcissist has been manipulating me all my life, cheating gaslighting and blaming me for anything that didn’t go his way. Unfortunately when I exposed him to my adult children they don’t want to know about any of it Looks like the piece of s*** has won regardless. I’m in the process of trying to leave this person ,but it’s really taking its toll on me. Divorce him and get out ,it’s not going to get any easier. In fact it will only get worse.

[@bella_greenbean441]

So manipulative and confusing!!!. You don’t know what is up and what is down. What is real and what is false. Such contradictory behaviors!

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Yes!

[@stepheng1138]

im 67, and my father is a narcissist. i grew up in a narcissistic home, from the time i can remember, i couldn't do anything right. he was always putting me down. he is 94, and nothing has changed. i send father day cards to him, and i dread the call back. trust me its not to say thanks, its another chance to put me down. i limit my exposure to him, limited phone calls ect. but i know it will be like this till he passes.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Thats so tough.

[@coreyhabbas]

Wow! When they were talking about the intermittent reinforcement dynamic, they described the Trauma Bond setup exactly! Yikes! It is helpful to see the the Trauma Bond described that way especially for survivors who are trying to make sense of their situation. Great discussion and video.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you for your brilliant conversation. Everything you said just hit the mark. Healthy Relationships are not that complicated. And loving someone is consistently stable, there are not intermittent reinforcements of any sorts. It is consistent and nurturing, honest and open and based on truthful communication which is healing in itself. It’s been so inspiring to listen to you talk. God bless you ❤

[@jasminsalias]

' I am sorry you feel that way'. Why I haven't left after this sentence, I can not comprehend.

[@01splitpea]

Interesting video, and well done Drs. McAvoy and Carter. Thank you both for making and sharing it. When I was six months pregnant with our son, my former husband left me for a coworker with four young children. Once our son was born, and I'd gotten back in shape, around the six month mark, my husband announced he may as well have stayed with me, because he and his girlfriend were having all the same problems. He then proposed we "remarry." I said we were still married. He repeated himself. I repeated myself. Sensing he'd need to sweeten the pot, he said, "I want us to remarry, be the happiest couple in the world, and never ever argue." - THE END

[@samco63]

“No matter where you go, there you are!” I needed to hear that today. Thank you ❤

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

🥰

[@annagrant1529]

it has taken decades to see all the narcs in my life. started when i was in grade school, a girl that set a dysfunctional bar for me. i had good and relatively 'healthy' family life. and it skewed me until, working backward through relationships, it was the impetus. i have to be guarded now. not jaded, but i don't jump in with two feet anymore. i am much calmer and peaceful being in control.

[@remarkable937]

@4:31 I caught my ex cheating. He is a huge flirt and he swore he wouldn't cheat anymore, would stop flirting, wouldn't DM women and flirt on his Twitter page, etc. He saw how devastated I was and was so upset that he caused that, etc. etc. Begged and pleaded to give him a chance. His "change" lasted two weeks if that.

[@leonasweny1525]

Yes they never change.,they need validation from other sourses

[@surlif]

I love Dr. Carter's sense of humor: "I want to be a bass in your choir. So I sing🤣. They listen to me a few seconds and tell me to get out." 😂

[@cinnamonrose5599]

You put into words what I could not figure out. Serial cheater who wants access to my money. This !! Thx !!

[@richardbensinger6922]

I would really love to hear both of you break down the different types of narcissism. Perhaps in another episode? Great job!

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

That’s a fantastic topic. Thank you for the suggestion.

[@chriskimmel9047]

Thank you for sharing this.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Thank you!

[@daughteroftheking2200]

The Anger that we have is because we have been Provoked y this demon for so long and couldn't understand why we felt like sh×t for so many years (43 yrs) Always making me feel like I had the problem when all along he has been cheating, lies, verbal abuse which had turned into physical abuse, again. Couples counseling just started and the counselor told me last week, he knew hubby is NPD from the phone call to set up the appointment 😢

[@salrc8352]

They make you angry and then hold it against you as if you are the unreasonable one….

[@healup3796]

​@salrc8352 Very true

[@kims2963]

​@@salrc8352OH MY GAAWWD!!! Yes, they do. They are the ones who caused the upheaval and strife. It is so obvious they started it, which almost seems for kicks and giggles, for themselves. Another, way is when they say something and you caught them in a lie. They keep going on and on that they didn't say that. WHAT!?!? You know they did and you have verbatim of what was said and the everything about the entire conversation ...you remember and know where you were, what was he wearing, etc.. They then get into the word salad on that one. Then you try to ask them why they would lie. A lot of times the lies are about things that don't matter one way or the other. Why would they lie about senseless things too. It's all crazy making. It is bizarre.

[@heatherhaven1268]

I know this isn’t on point, but this is my first video on this channel. Kerry, your entire face just lights up when you smile. You’re adorable, and when you smile, I smile. 😊

[@joshsmith2071]

A narcissist always fails in the big picture because you just cant do what they are trying to do.

[@Magamomma22245]

100%

[@melissademarco5271]

Bingo and a revolving door of broken relationships and burnt bridges!

[@joannajohnson696]

Thank you for having Dr. Carter. I found out that I do think differently than my Narcissist husband. I believe in being responsible, paying my bills on time, not going "over" my budget. These skills were installed in me since I was 14. Now that I am retired, married to narc, the diversion in thought patters is as vast & wide as the ocean. The perception "that it will only get worse the longer you put off leaving the narc," Is true. It has gotten worse. His irresponsibility has cost us big debt. When he could work, he wanted to stay home and get drunk. Now, disabled, I have to find work from home to keep our head above water or lose everything. I am doing a deep analysis on myself.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

It’s mind blowing to realize the difference in worldviews. Their entitlement is so vast that they are willing to destroy everything via neglect. I hope you can find the best course to navigate this situation.

[@Jessica-J.ones.]

Reading rhe headline my first thought was why in the hell would you want to. I know I know. I spent 8 years with him but he took the trash out for me a few nights ago by having some woman (I assume and he didn't deny) come pick him up. And I have been so incredibly at peace and content. I even look a ton better. I look like I did before I met him. I'm spending time with the girl I was before he came into my life and I really like and love her... ❤❤❤ my only worry now is when he comes to collect his things or tries to come back. I don't want to see, hear or smell him and I pity who ever picked him up. Genuinly feel sorry for em. Happy healing friends. Let em GO! 🙏

[@brendarewan7441]

Wait! Are you homosexual? Then why did you marry a guy?

[@leonasweny1525]

Stay strong Jessica,give yourself a big hug and start looking after you.❤❤❤❤

[@HealingQueen]

“Loving us and loathing us..” I’d experienced this range of what would span between affection to repulsion so many times

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

It's a horrible feeling to live in both worlds of loving and loathing--to swing back and forth.

[@never4saken165]

Congratulations. You’re absolutely right, it does diminish your self esteem. My ex was never interested in talking until I had something to say and he took over the conversation every time demeaning me every which way he could. He did it so much, I just suppressed my thoughts & feelings then I finally left, picked up and moved to another state.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

😪😪

[@Moniicaa_Luii]

Loved this conversation. Helped ALOT. makes me not wanna go back AT ALL 😂 I'll never be married staying around with his bullshit

[@caroleminke6116]

Never go back plz abuse will just get worse if you give in

[@TheHeavensAndEarth]

My sister never called me in 6 years, though I'd call her often. When I finally asked her about, I had to explain myself basically. I'm moving on. She says she loves me, but if she did she would call me once in a blue moon to talk.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Very very sad.

[@TheHeavensAndEarth]

@@KerryMcAvoyPhD Sad indeed. I'm sad for her as well. But I know at this point in her life she can't see beyond power and control.

[@christinamichellephotograp8728]

Thank you for this, so great!

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Thank you!

[@kd5984]

I felt like I was trying to be controlled and there was a possessiveness there from him…Tried talking it out, letting him know how I was feeling in the relationship and there was no change from him. Nor did he want to listen to what I had to say. The relationship was hard on me, mentally. It felt like I was in a prison or in a box with a lid on it. He stated that I was not an individual anymore since we are together. Even crying and hollering that he was going to harm himself..When I broke it off with him, he called me a narcissist. Something his ex wife called him.

[@Monstersrreel]

The two of you together is awesome

[@shalynn365]

Mine couldn’t even tell me in what areas I was wrong. When I would ask him to tell me I what ways was I causing him to react in anger and frustration and hate he would always answer “ Are you serious? I shouldn’t have to tell you ! You should already know , and if you don’t then that’s the problem! “ ! And I was always “ Stupid “, and “Crazy “, and never listened and being a “b” only he said the word. Never apologized one time in 8 years or admitted to any wrong ever .

[@Jenifer_G]

Unfortunately with the costs of living ahd housing, some people are stuck with the sick narcissist, could be children, older person, a disabled person, so not able to physically get out. What would be good is episodes of managing the stress and knowing when to walk off and sometimes call the police. The behaviour of their insanity attacks is frightening, like a psys hrophenic type person and I firmly believe that narcs are on this spectrim.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

I believe narcissistic personality disorder is also on a spectrum. And thank you for the request to talk about what to do when you can’t get out. That will be an upcoming episode on this podcast.

[@SENSEF]

​@@KerryMcAvoyPhDI second this suggestion!

[@vickiwilliams5069]

You’ve hit the nail on the head here .. looking forward to hearing more on this

[@Jenifer_G]

@KerryMcAvoyPhD thank you dear and best to you

[@velvetgardenia]

Dr. C's INTRO SENTENCE =BOOM! the most prevalent worldview of a narcissist! Im a huge fan of both of you, and just found Keri's channel a few weeks ago. 5 star content from both always!

[@anneyoung2310]

Yes, Dr. Carter!!!!!! I literally had to say to numerous people, "if you can't understand what went down, you're assuming they think logically." I also make this mistake, though less than formerly. Also true, Dr, McAvoy, healthy relationships are not that much work.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Thank you so much.

[@allans7281]

It takes so much work to be a narcissist ( toxic horrible person) I don’t know how they do it When the doctor says “me?what about you ??” He’s so correct I went through it for nine months

[@lynndupree1205]

My narcissistic husband lives/thinks on the surface level of every aspect of life. Problems simply don't exist to him. He is TERRIFIED of his feelings. As long as he can sweep his problems under the rug he will NEVER have to admit them to himself. A completely shallow person who operates from a position of denial.

[@KerryMcAvoyPhD]

Such a sad description but I’ve met this kind of person too. They are barely “living.”

[@lynndupree1205]

@@KerryMcAvoyPhD 💙

[@danilaroche1156]

Can you see yourself married to him in another 5 years? This is not a marriage. I don't think God wants you to suffer like this.

[@lynndupree1205]

@danilaroche1156 Thank you for your kind words. I am working with a therapist to figure out how to end the marriage. It's not straightforward because my husband is physically sick, too, but I realize that doesn't give him the right to be abusive.

[@Everythingismeaningless344]

Same with my narcissistic grandmother. It's actually sad. Their inability to see below the surface makes me wonder if a stunted intellect is part of narcissistic personality disorder.