Why You're Bad at Spotting a Narcissist

  Рет қаралды 12,008

Kerry McAvoy, PhD

Kerry McAvoy, PhD

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 86
@charmee4045
@charmee4045 5 ай бұрын
I had one for 5 years, still in therapy, really dark, secrets came out slowly but thank God they did. I came out of a 30 year marriage and ran into 3 narcissists in a row they are predators and looking for widows or long married women its not random.
@Cowface
@Cowface 7 ай бұрын
Hot take: all abuse is emotional abuse. Without emotions such as fear, sadness, etc, abusive behavior would have no impact
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
Ohh love this! Great point.
@PPK-727
@PPK-727 7 ай бұрын
Brilliantly said! And Absolutely Agree.
@didntlistendad
@didntlistendad 6 ай бұрын
Financial abuse? It brings anxiety etc but foremost are the practical aspects of that abuse?
@Cowface
@Cowface 6 ай бұрын
@@didntlistendad Hey you’re right! There’s still a feeling of powerlessness, but it does limit one’s options directly, regardless of how the victim feels about it. Works well with other forms of abuse.
@imniome1368
@imniome1368 6 ай бұрын
@@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KleeKaiBreeders
@KleeKaiBreeders 6 ай бұрын
Focusing on what title to give abuse seems to me to distract people from what matters, which to me is realizing you’re being abused and focusing on what to do now and healing.
@STRONGfamVALUEZ
@STRONGfamVALUEZ 4 ай бұрын
@@KleeKaiBreeders I hear u. I believe these definitions of what the heck is going on like gaslighting an narcissistic abuse should actually be added to the Domestic Violence umbrella so that people can be educated. It's one word that has a whole lot of insidious behaviors behind it. I appreciate that I finally have a word that explains the madness I grew up in.
@marysuzannajayne1340
@marysuzannajayne1340 6 ай бұрын
I just learned that a man I was in a distant relationship for a year, was totally lying to me and even tried to drag my son, who lives in Texas where he lived, into his messed up world. My son is a wounded warrior who also suffers from PTSD. This guy literally took all the information I gave him about my son and tried to manipulate him to do mechanic work and even physical work, knowing he has chronic pain and can NOT do this type thing anymore. I also found out that this 62 year old man dated a young woman who was 25 years old. To each his own, but this creeps me out. My daughters are this age! I broke it off immediately and told him why. He does not have one bit of remorse and gaslit me instead. I feel so stupid !!!!
@fidelmashelton9491
@fidelmashelton9491 6 ай бұрын
Thank you ladies. It's hurts so much when your in a long term relationship with a covert, that they are so abusive to you and everyone thinks that they are so nice when there not. Having a secret life behind your back. When you wake up you see them everywhere. You need to watch your back when they know you know what they are. The victim the hero but never the villian. Insidious and hidden behaviour from coverts... OMG
@STRONGfamVALUEZ
@STRONGfamVALUEZ 4 ай бұрын
@@fidelmashelton9491 Yes it's very scary when they find out u know who they are. I wish I would have learned about narcissistic indury before I called them out. I can't stand liars an I was tired of them constantly gaslighting me into believing it was me. So grateful stay safe. Coverts are the stalking type,so I've witnessed
@estherhirsch4460
@estherhirsch4460 5 ай бұрын
Wow so painful after all u went through and this friend sees herself as the focus. Yuch. I hear you
@FaithfulandTrue777
@FaithfulandTrue777 Ай бұрын
Yes I want to validate such an awful experience too. The other 'friend' was unkind and dismissive about your experience of nursing your husband through his treatment on the podcast too...
@saturdayschild8535
@saturdayschild8535 7 ай бұрын
The sadistic sex nature! Twenty-five years with his intentionally depriving me of pleasure during sex. His premature ejaculation (PE) was so bad but he could seemingly control it. Finding out he was secretly sleeping with men during the divorce made it make sense. He hates women. He especially hated me and my enjoyment of sex early in the marriage. He knew I wouldn’t put our business in the street and shame either of us, so that sadistic nature left me with so much cognitive dissonance. It was hard accepting that he did many of the cruel things he did to me intentionally. I will never allow myself or relationship with me to be secondary or dead last in another relationship. I’m a researcher so once I learned about covert narcissism, I looked into a connection between narcissism and PE. I found a few papers correlating the two. One author even speculated that they did it intentionally. I wish I kept the citation so I could list it here.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
So sad. Horrifying and terribly cruel. To do that to another person. Incredible. It’s heartbreaking you went through that.
@bumblebee_ms
@bumblebee_ms 7 ай бұрын
Covert narcs are the most difficult to get rid of from your life.
@dottyp137
@dottyp137 7 ай бұрын
The difference is in who is doing the abusing. Is the person grandiose ( delusional), envious to the point where they attack ( emotionally, psychologically, reputationaly, or physically). Can’t manage own emotions and so needs to scapegoat and project. thinking and behaving as though they are superior to you and others. Denying reality, won’t take accountability for almost everything, lacking in basic empathy and just can’t understand what YOUR problem is? Has no conscience because they twist reality to ensure they come out smelling like roses. Accuses you of all kinds of things and motivations that you don’t have. Doesn’t seem to know who you are and has no interest in getting to know you, they decide who you are based off what they need to see you as in order to maintain their sense of superiority and grandiosity. I don’t think it’s the abuse per se, it’s the rest of it. There’s abuse and then there’s dealing with a narcissist who is also an abuser. I forgot to mention exploitation and entitlement. You are there to meet their needs and they think that you owe it to them. And yes the deception and the manipulation…that’s there from the off and the false reality that you are forced to accept, the one where they are a great guy/girl Good call 👍🏻
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
interesting stuff. So many complex dynamics.
@mvbigmagic4048
@mvbigmagic4048 4 ай бұрын
"deceiving and silencing their support system"
@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE
@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE 7 ай бұрын
I was bad at spotting it because i never really knew what it is. I had no real reason to know. I honestly thought it was a new age social media fashion. Oeople throwing it around like confetti. I didnt know women could be narcissidts. I only heard women tell their friends to get rid of their partner because they had an arguement. I split with the mother of my children 7 years ago after 14 years. That was my life and all i knew. Then the big wide world was infront of me. Dating apps bars and clubs etc. I had no clue where i was. How can so many people make you feel so vulneravble and lonely. The game had changed completely. Dates were worse than job interviews. Dating apps steal your money. In that 7 years I've had a 1 yr relationship and 2 2yr relationships. The first 2 yr was one of the worst I've exoerienced, the signs were more than there. But i still had no idea or gave narcissism a thought. Then this last one. She said her friend accused me of being a narcissist. I had therapy not long after and the therapist confirmed im not. I told her this and said you can now tell your friend im not one. She denied all knowledge of it and said i must have misheard her. No way jose, i know you said that. After discard i remembered that and thought it was really her accusing me, so i looked it up on good old youtube. Oh my days. The discovery is nuts. You just cant unsee. She found out i was watching and commenting by going down my youtube account. Hell have no fury!!! Now im getting the reverse victim offender. I cant say much more as i could get in trouble, you can read between the lines. I've been doing really well for over a month. I love these videos @kerry, youve read and replied to my comments. But now im breaking again. Have you got any videos on reverse victim offender ???? If not please can you do one as i need a lot of help right now. 💙
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
On DARVO? Yeah, let me look for it.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
Here you go- DARVO: Watch for this very sophisticated form of gaslighting! kzbin.infoJKIaegLIhJE?feature=share
@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE
@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE 7 ай бұрын
@@KerryMcAvoyPhD Thank you kerry. Hope you're well 🙏🏻💙
@tmjewel
@tmjewel 6 ай бұрын
Wishing you well. I was also late to this knowledge despite being well learned, well read and well educated. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just be glad you found out at all and are now empowered! Best of luck to you 🙏🏽
@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE
@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE 6 ай бұрын
@tmjewel right back atcha. Thank you 😊 It's been a short while now, and I'm having many more good days than bad days. Life is going well. I'm smiling more and doing what "I want, and what makes me happy," The freedom is so uplifting. Wishing you well. Thanks again 💙
@andreacook6000
@andreacook6000 4 ай бұрын
Thank you for opening this up!!
@STRONGfamVALUEZ
@STRONGfamVALUEZ 7 ай бұрын
All of them are abusive. Great talk. I think we should think of these behaviors when hiring people that are around children,
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 5 ай бұрын
I agree!!
@mochachaiguy
@mochachaiguy 5 ай бұрын
Great video. For various reasons, I still in a “relationship” with my covert GF. It been almost 20 years now with one year off in the middle somewhere. Pretty good sex at the onset. Frequent. But the daily negativity and victimizing has existinguished any desire on my part to be physically intimate with her. When we “tried” I felt that she was more interested in receiving and not very good at communicating. I felt worse off emotionally afterward. There’s a 10 year difference in or ages, I’m almost 60 and she 70, and couples therapy was a bust. I can’t have a frank conversation about my feelings, as anything that isn’t praise is taken as a condemnation of her worth as a person.
@ImSpeaking-now
@ImSpeaking-now Ай бұрын
Why won’t you get out?
@annekenney6914
@annekenney6914 7 ай бұрын
Thank you! Great video!
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
Thank you!
@Luke-ei2yv
@Luke-ei2yv 3 ай бұрын
The grandiosity is private. Such a good description 👌
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 3 ай бұрын
I’m glad this helped.
@valerieshy8749
@valerieshy8749 6 ай бұрын
Wow! So candid. Thank you for that. You two are amazing people!
@NUCLEARMAMA1313
@NUCLEARMAMA1313 6 ай бұрын
Ya...my ex said I was a "sex addict" bc I had a healthy sex drive...and he would withhold often, def a manipulative control tactic/tool..He would finish fast...so when I looked up natural supplements to help with it...he shut that down real quick n didnt wanna hear it 😕 I look forward to a relationship with a mature adult who will communicate with me about all these things...openly & comfortably...bc I certainly am! ❤ finally gaining my confidence back...and getting back to MYSELF
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 6 ай бұрын
It’s wild how they use the most deeply vulnerable places in a relationship to be cruel.
@EricEscandon-c1l
@EricEscandon-c1l 7 ай бұрын
This is really interesting to hear debated and the various viewpoints. Having looked up the definition of "emotion" Webster sees emotion as "natural" and "instinctive" where as I think it could be debated psychological is taught, (by parents, siblings, teachers, friends etc).
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
Fascinating.
@NarcissistFreealmost
@NarcissistFreealmost 7 ай бұрын
Really good 💯👍
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
Thx!!
@victoriavitoroulis3273
@victoriavitoroulis3273 2 күн бұрын
My husband of 40 yrs would say , your mom 85 should move in she’s widow and has 3 story home .. when she fell and almost broke her hip I had her move in … then I seen how fake he was saying how worried he was and just treated her like the furniture or like 💩.
@gerger5670
@gerger5670 5 ай бұрын
I was just about a year into no period menopause I said wow here pretty soon we will actually be able to have real sex (30 yrs) that point on he refused to touch me🙋🏻‍♀️
@debralondon2402
@debralondon2402 6 ай бұрын
So true. So sad.
@ImSpeaking-now
@ImSpeaking-now Ай бұрын
There is no difference between psychological and emotional abuse. Let’s not split hairs.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD Ай бұрын
Actually, I strongly disagree with you. Psychological Abuse - Focus: Targets a person's mind and perception of reality. - Tactics: Often involves manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, threats, or undermining someone's confidence and sense of self. - Purpose: To control, dominate, or destabilize the victim's thoughts and beliefs Psychological abuse tends to erode a person’s sense of control over their thoughts and perceptions, leaving them confused, anxious, or dependent on the abuser for validation or clarity. Emotional Abuse - Focus: Targets feelings, emotional health, and self-worth. - Tactics: Involves criticism, shaming, belittling, or other behaviors that harm someone’s emotional state. - Purpose: To undermine confidence, create emotional dependency, or make the victim feel unworthy. Emotional abuse damages how a person feels about themselves and their relationships, leaving them with a diminished sense of self-worth or emotional stability.
@jonhutchinson2902
@jonhutchinson2902 7 ай бұрын
5 to 6 mins explains my narc ex to a tee.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
😰😰
@gerger5670
@gerger5670 5 ай бұрын
Sex? Ya he basically had it with himself! Never good!
@ThereIsNoDSoTM
@ThereIsNoDSoTM 3 ай бұрын
Abuse is power and control over a person? My employer has power over me. Government has power over me. Parents have power and control over their children. There will always be power dynamics in relationships. Power and control can be used for the benefit of both parties. It's only abusive when the person in control is only focused on the benefit of themselves. Wouldn't a better definition be the misuse of power over someone?
@Silenceisgolden-o9o
@Silenceisgolden-o9o 7 ай бұрын
This is kind of a spiderweb.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
A spiderweb?
@jean-pierrep6844
@jean-pierrep6844 7 ай бұрын
Who's a super dooper empath? A covert narcissist
@KerryMcAvoyPhD
@KerryMcAvoyPhD 7 ай бұрын
They actually are not empathetic but they sure seem to think they are.
@stevomcsteve9492
@stevomcsteve9492 7 ай бұрын
Personally I think she's eating all the narcissists in her life!
@danaparfitt2491
@danaparfitt2491 7 ай бұрын
Wow! You put a lot of thought into that! So there are a lot of narcissists , great admission. 👍 fat jokes
@ImSpeaking-now
@ImSpeaking-now Ай бұрын
Awww. Feel exposed so you lash out. Classic.
@tonitv9991
@tonitv9991 6 ай бұрын
it hurts to think that our patriarchy society states men are the prize and therefore these women were tolerating a terrible sex life.
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