Why You Self-Sabotage And How To Stop

[@EmilySeeker]

One thing I have learnt over the years is to not believe everything I think

[@TLA123y6f]

Good one !!!! That made me smile :) And that's saying a lot considering I've been rock bottom for a while now. THANKS !!!!!

[@EmilySeeker]

@@TLA123y6f your welcome it took me a very long time. About 6 years at rock bottom for me not knowing what the he'll was going on. Thought I would be that way forever. Don't get me wrong I have my days, sometimes weeks of completely feeling nothing but the practice is to remember they're just thoughts that come in, they're not me and they simply match the vibration of my mood and they don't mean anything. I wish you all the best on your journey ❤🙏

[@synclairpotter]

it's hard for me to do that

[@cc1k435]

It's true. We all have intrusive and unhelpful thoughts that aren't based on anything but fear. 😮

[@Genie_01.]

yea and so i cant trust myself

[@steveericson6209]

When I was in my late 20s and suffering with mental illness, I discovered that I was afraid that if I got better I would, in essence, cease to exist having been replaced by someone I wouldn't recognize. But when I finally experienced mental and emotional health, I realized that I was still me but with a completely new "take" on life... It was still me, but living in a refreshing new set of thoughts, feelings, and actions.

[@carmony13]

Yes. This.

[@magiccat28]

Yes so true- especially for creative or highly intelligent folks . Our society romanticizes suffering at times.

[@Archi-B24]

How did you get better?

[@OnlyOneName]

I can relate. This was helpful. Thanks for sharing.

[@James_Sins89]

Very well put. Felt that today

[@PatThecat-n2l]

When you’re feeling better, people start expecting things from you. That responsibility scares the $xxx out of me.

[@sandrag330]

Same here 😢

[@cc1k435]

You can always say no if you don't feel like challenging yourself. 🤔

[@James_Sins89]

Facts

[@iExploder]

Welcome to capitalism. People always expect your best, regardless of whether you're actually capable of maintaining it or not. And if you're not, they'll throw you away without a second thought.

[@info1418]

Accepting responsibility is the only way to grow. What is the use of getting better if you can't do anything with it but feel good for yourself? That just gives you an empty life. When you feel so good that you can take on responsibility willingly you will already have won. People will expect what you tell them they can expect. If you can work 25% and you tell people that, they will be content if thats what you put out.

[@Openyoureyes737]

When your thoughts get dark just know it’s a storm and it will eventually pass.

[@tombadil64]

What if the storms been a-raging for a half decade?

[@Openyoureyes737]

99.99% of thoughts are harmful and useless once you understand the nature of thoughts that they are just soundbites on replay then you can see them for what they are but if you have bought into them then you have to change how you view thoughts and emotions in real-time LET THEM COME AND GO it's absolutely painful but just LET THEM COME AND GO. You change a MOMENT AT A TIME. My biggest advice to you is KEEP GOING regardless of how fuc**** your thoughts/emotions are because I promise you regardless how much better you improve your life DARK THOUGHTS will appear no matter what ACCEPT THEM A MOMENT AT A TIMME AND KEEP GOING

[@Openyoureyes737]

Also get out of the house for at least 30 mins a day and just walk outside. and I promise you it will change your life.

[@undeniablySomeGuy]

unless they're not and you need help

[@tombadil64]

@@Openyoureyes737 I'll try to start doing that consistently again.

[@simoroshka]

for me what kept me stuck is the thought that if I get better I will have to do a lot more and that is going to be exhausting. It didn't make any logical sense, but emotionally I couldn't just connect to the idea that the whole point of getting better is that things are not so exhausting any more.

[@ClaireCake]

Trueee

[@vanajasonga]

I've been having the same thoughts for a while now ..... Makes me feel better I'm not in this alone...🤞

[@simoroshka]

@@vanajasonga sending hugs! I will add one more thing: you don't have to do a lot of things even when you are feeling better, it is always okay to find time to rest and relax.

[@JoeFromSomewhere2303]

You get to choose your hard. It's hard to be rich, and it's wayyy harder to be poor. It's hard to be happy, but it's wayyy harder to live life depressed. It's hard to stay organized but it's wayyy harder to live if everything is a mess and you never clean up after yourself. That's how I try to think about it so it doesnt feel like more work to improve yourself as I have 100% felt the same way many many times.

[@mcadams518]

I am very similar. If I get better I will be expected to be responsible which seems incapable to me (self trust issue he mentioned). Overwhelm comes so easy and inconsistent days of functioning, at least halfly, is very defeating. Dropped balls too often. I'm 55 and struggling greatly with cognitive and memory. Sleep and fatigue. I am so sad that I don't show up for myself and the few that are still in my life. I just check out so much even when awake that it makes me cry. Where is my grit and tenacity and heart for the precious people who I am now just a burden to. Where is my give back? I have really regressed after getting a great deal better for several years.

[@mestayno]

after years and years of unemployment tomorrow is my job interview. I'm afraid, anxious, don't want to do it, and kind of want to bail out. It's a part time job I knew a full time would be too much as you mentioned. I did that before and it didn't turn out well at all. I try to have faith and be disciplined enough to do it despite how I feel about it. I don't know what's my problem with being employed but it's clear I have a serious issue with it. God bless you for this video. I'm going to watch this again before the interview. EDIT: after three weeks I got the job. I'm sort of happy. I'm much more qualified than this job. But baby steps I guess. Back into normalcy. Thanks for every kind word.

[@marianne-p]

I wish you the best for putting yourself out there. Just that you show up to the interview and made all the extra steps in applying proves you're challenging that belief. Also, great job on recognizing a full time job would be too much for the moment. Hope great news comes your way!

[@GooniesGirl]

I'm in a similar boat. Dipping my toe in employment waters. Good luck with your interview.

[@AJ-fh1yu]

Same here! Wishing you the very best 😊

[@sarinav1000]

Congratulations!🎉 You got this ❤

[@alicepirola7077]

Prayers for you to do well. 🎉

[@GlasUndMetall]

"Big changes should happen gradually" I have found this to be my golden rule. I used to get so angry that things would be going well and I'd get triggered by a song, or a smell, because I would spiral back into fear and self-loathing and I would instantly mentally climb back into that boat that sits on the whirlpool and circles round and round without a destination and I would stay there because I understood that, I knew that feeling, it's all I had ever known. Slowly I've learned that I can tell my brain no. Sometimes it's "Can we do this later" and sometimes it's "No, we've done this and I'm not doing it again" but the result is the same. I refuse to get in the boat. It's taken me the last 5 years of hard work to understand that I am in control. I still hit bumps, I just don't stay there.

[@Diane_McDon]

Love this analogy thank you

[@GlasUndMetall]

@@Diane_McDon ❤

[@lollylula6399]

Beautifully said.

[@GlasUndMetall]

@@lollylula6399 Thank you. I'm so much happier now. When I was deep in, well, I call it victim mentality because it not only leans into "I was a victim" but I was victimizing myself by living there in my mind, what I never realized was I was the reason I was unhappy. Me. Not my past, not other people, I was the only one responsible for actively staying miserable. When I asked myself if I would want to be around someone like me then the answer was a hard no. I had to change. It's been the best thing I ever did for myself, my mental health, my physical health, and my family. Bonus is out in the wild people want to be around me, which is wild. Positivity attracts, negativity repels.

[@lollylula6399]

@@GlasUndMetall I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty - all you said in this reply and the original post. It's really speaking to where I am currently at. It's been a long heavy journey but the last few years I've been learning about what you speak of and how to master my thoughts/mind/emotions. I'm currently noticing more when I've got into that boat you talk of and it's getting easier to notice when I've done it and getting myself out of it. Also working on cultivating different mindsets/feeling states that feel good - it takes practice but I'm starting to notice 'gains' in that area. I love your writing style and analogies. I love hearing how you've mastered this and are experiencing so many positive experiences in all areas. 🙌🏼 Your comments have come at such a great time to offer me beautiful words to inspire me and encourage me to keep going. Appreciation and much love to you ❤

[@mnb3566]

If I fear bad news or a catastrophe happening or that a situation will play out badly I am tempted to go into depression mode because it “feels” easier to place myself there instead of my brain being shocked by someone or something other than myself. I think I am “controlling” the situation but I am giving into future unknowns and wasting my life before even knowing what is going to happen. I have wasted so many days, months, and years of my life doing this. I have to fight to not go there and not waste more of my life! Thank you for your content!

[@bchristian85]

I'm currently in this kind of place. My future is currently very uncertain and there's a high chance I'm going to face a catastrophe next year. I can't let myself get better now for this reason.

[@GooniesGirl]

Same. I'm afraid that if I give it my all and my life continues with pain and suffering, then I will throw in the towel. My avoidance game is at 💯

[@heavymetalhufflepuff]

I definitely feel this! It's like if I grieve now, the sadness won't be as bad later.

[@lesliedefilippis2150]

I have to fight this myself

[@thesoulgardener38]

Well said

[@vibesandstuff76]

As a licensed therapist/social worker this resonated with me. I have clients who will come into my office and self identify they "self sabotaged," and then typically turn into a victim of that, i.e. "I self sabotaged again," and then proceed to act powerless by shrugging it off. I'm the kind of therapist who goes, hold on here a minute. If there is a pattern of both behavior and thoughts, and those thoughts influence your behavior, I tend to think that has more to do with a belief system or narrative that someone lives by, for whatever reason. Sometimes the reason is past trauma. But I tell my clients that "self sabotage" gets thrown out there a lot, but most people don't seem to understand it, just like how narcissism is being thrown around a lot now. So I work with individuals on learning, identifying, and understanding the belief system they tend to live by because I've seen more change in others when they reflect on that.

[@stevec404]

Childhood trauma and imprinting on subconscious negativity (not good enough) meant that completing a task successfully was 'wrong'. Self sabotage. 'Proving' the (wrong) mindset did provide a kind of perverse comfort. I have made healing progress with testing my long held negative mindset, though selectively. Now, every mindset blockage will be tested as a mere 'theory'. Thanks again for your insights.

[@ayemiksenoj5254]

Boredom is another thing that deeply needs to be taken into consideration. I'm healing. I'm doing better, but I'm not used to the lack of excitement and choas living this way brings. Being bored for someone like me.. is quite literally devastating. I have to keep coming up with things to do, positive things, to keep myself from self harm and slipping back into to old patterns. There is definitely an adjustment period for each stage or milestone of healing that no one warned me about. An I definitely don't hear mentioned (enough). The simple pleasures and joys in life aren't always so simple or enjoyable when you've had to learn to be without. Or you've had to find or only found pleasure in things deemed not right or acceptable. Every day to do this we really are rewiring our own brains. With no instruction manuals and sometimes inadequate tools.

[@klpuhelin2816]

Well said. I don't remember being bored as a child. I surely was sometimes, but I always had those ideas for different activities and playing. And I still do. So I'm almost never bored in my daily life. But there has been times in my life when there were huge things happening (huge for me) and times when nothing big and interesting happened for a long time. So I started to feel that those ordinary and boring times were something to avoid, I was like "anything but boredom!" Then there were all these things happening, mostly bad, but also some great and exciting ones. I started to think that boring and peaceful is actually quite good. 😂

[@ayemiksenoj5254]

@@klpuhelin2816, I'm just seeking some balance. My life from childhood up until about a year ago has never been boring or really safe. I worked to change all of that, but what I didn't realize or know to ask or consider was the impact this huge shift was going to have on me. Knowing I'm safer and "everything is okay" or "no one is going to hurt me" just isn't enough sometimes. I need to be able to know I'm safe, no one will hurt me, I can have fun, AND adventure is still out there. All of that is just more work. An I'm still working.

[@kenzieeoffthawall..]

real.

[@elevenpoisons2484]

I recently tried guided meditations to clear my head. Being in the void is somehow pretty fun when you're calm too! It has saved me from buying alcohol 50% of the time

[@ayemiksenoj5254]

@@elevenpoisons2484, I enjoy meditation and I'm trying yoga. Being consistent or trying to meditate in silence (really just without music) is my biggest issue. I do better in class with people. I can't explain it tho.

[@bchristian85]

The pandemic ruined my life, and this video explains why. I had finally pulled myself out of a bad situation and for the first time in a decade, my life was on a good trajectory. Then that virus arrived and I've been at rock bottom ever since.

[@MissChristine-wo6vp]

I think the isolation of the pandemic did damage to everyone's mental health - plus the uncertainty and fear of what the future might bring tested our basic view of how the "world" works. You can rise again! If you pulled yourself out once, you can do it again. I believe in you!

[@kirsikka3752]

Me too had lifted myself from very hard place in 2019. Then came 2020 and everything fell apart again.

[@milam_is_ok]

Same. 2019 was the peak of a trend I started a couple years before, 2020 was shaping up to be the year of reaching max "form". Then everything slipped out of my hands. Academia, love, friends, self. But I started therapy this year and I finally gave myself the chance to be a person again! You can do it, you just need to find your formula. ❤

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

Trump has ruined many lives

[@mirekcieslowski2134]

⁠@@gothboschincarnate3931Pal! Take your head out of yr

[@Shessobizzare]

I dont believe we are ever truly against ourselves, only trying to protect ourselfs

[@NoName-wm7jg]

“It’s all you’ve known” that’s deeply accurate right there. However I like feeling uncomfortable as of late.. it’s literally the only way I’ve been able to grow out of my rut.

[@tritile]

10:04 There is a poet who puts it very well: "... now I will always fear to hope again."

[@irenegriffin3050]

No truer words were ever spoken

[@hectorg362]

"Everythought that ever crossed your head is a theory or projection" Not sure why I never realzied that until now.

[@Radical_Hamster]

After watching I realize a lot of what I do isn't self sabotage, although I do find myself in situations where I purposely sabotage jobs and my relationships. Thank you for answering my question. It helped a lot.

[@SinnerSince1962]

I’ve done this with maintaining my weight. Every time I have great success, I let the wheels come off the bus due to bouts with depression. Lately, I was down to 193, and now I’m back up to 228. It sucks. It’s almost as if I can’t accept success and I’m not happy until I’ve ruined it again.

[@adadove6380]

i feel this so hard, jus not about weight more jus falling into old cycles where i still can't do anything. i thought i was completely healed and tanked everything again. it does suck bad. wish you well tho. i don't think it's impossible to get there

[@vanajasonga]

Wow same feeling.. been trying to lose weight from dec of 2022 and I'm back in the cycle of self sabotage done some 4 months like upto April and back again started from August it's been good rn bt I'm still scared that I'll slip back and hit the bottom so I just keep on running...

[@MagnanimousDominion]

This is exactly my experience, where failure has become the norm. I am autistic, severely OCD and highly intellectual but useless at physical things, with my sense of alienness being so profound and my failures so painful that I often have to convince myself nothing I’ve experienced is real, and is all a continual bad dream. Any and all therapy I’ve had has been useless, all they ever can do is try to get me to view things differently and place the emphasis on me to change, which doesn’t work at all as the issue is I am just too different from everyone else - even other neurodivergent individuals are nothing like me. How are you supposed to not have a negative belief system, when your environment confirms your negative bias time and again, no matter what you do to change it? I agree about putting yourself out there and not allowing the self negativity to win, but at the same time, what are you supposed to do to actually win and stop self sabotaging when you can’t get what you need? Time and again the universe proves to me that I shouldn’t exist, and that the only things I’ve brought to this world is to occasionally make others happy, but be a useless failure as a person and totally unable to get what I want or need, as the systems we have were set up for normal humans and not for autistic people. Bottom line is, in order to do well in life you need to have high energy levels and be able to focus on and pursue goals. For whatever reason, I’m constantly exhausted and depressed, and no meds or therapy make any difference.

[@dankopatrik5579]

Yeah, same here, struggling with the same shit

[@AMBELLINA77]

I heard that our brains are wired to see bad only because it helps us survive. If there is a room full of marshmallows and one tiger, your brain only registers the tiger. You sound like me a lot. This mind picture of 364 marshmallows and 1 tiger has helped me change my mindset with intention. I have to look at the water in the glass because I only see the half emptiness. 364 good days are overshadowed by the one bad day and then my mind would only see the bad days as "always." A long way to say, purposefully look at the good, even if it is only everything taken for granted. I can walk. I can see. I have a roof. I have food. It still slips and I feel like life is all tigers. But at least now I see when I am doing it.

[@MagnanimousDominion]

@@AMBELLINA77 Thankyou. That’s a good insight and I appreciate the understanding. I also do have my own unique skills, and eventually I will be able to use them to achieve my goals, but I may need the right specialist therapist to help me understand myself better first, I’m still looking. These videos are very useful too, and Scott’s words toward the end especially are true: Rather than assuming nothing will work out, we instead need to put ourselves in the right situations to help ourselves make the most positive changes and progress toward a better future, and be open to those possibilities. I’ve not given up on it, just been overwhelmed by stress lately. I hope you are able to make progress in your life as well.

[@FeelTehPOWA]

Youre not alone, in that regard...

[@cbehen]

Looks like you are very smart person. Sometimes high intelligence creates complex problems impossible to overcome. You don’t need good therapist. You don’t have to do anything. Big changes usually comes when you are not even focusing on it. Simply yourself. Just focus on your skillset. Don’t think about your differences. Cooldown. Tip: no one is better than you.

[@wendycopeland5147]

Thank you so much for this video. I now recognise that I'm not self sabotaging but I am experiencing setbacks. When I have setbacks I tend to beat myself up & tell myself I'm self sabotaging, thanks to this video I can tell ....I'M NOT. I get so disappointed & frustrated with the setbacks & end up spiraling down .Thank you for clarifying this. Getting better is terrifying but I realise that healing is not linear. I sometimes have really bad days where I don't want to be here anymore, I have got through 100% of my truly awful days & just have to keep trying. This was what I needed to hear ❤

[@irenegriffin3050]

Thanks for the video! I don't know that I self-sabotage exactly, but I know at times when I started to feel better I'd get hit with the thoughts that "this won't last", that something will inevitably happen that will either trigger panic (which then leads to depression) or just fall into depression. Part of my issue is adjustment disorder and I can't handle change (especially negative change). I don't get "fight" or "flight", I get "freeze" and pretty much shut down. And it's happened so often (yeah, that's called life!) that feeling any kind of hope that things will get (or stay) better is non-existent. And it's exhausting! 😞

[@gw5479]

I just have to put it here. I'm doing good things for myself but I knew when I started that eventually I would fall back into the usual emotional patterns. So, recognizing this I decided that I would remain positive and allow myself to both feel the negative feelings, suffer a little, but nurture these feelings and simply being there for myself. This way, I can reroute the pathways in my brain back to some place good anytime I feel bad. The first few times are so difficult, it's almost impossible to have perspective when the depression comes. Anyways, I say all this to say we can all break out of our patterns and working towards joy every day is so much more rewarding than allow ourselves to sulk. I love you guys!

[@perlefisker]

10:05 I feel that it's exactly the series of experienced failures either in one area or in rapid succession that trigger the self-sabotage - having unsuccessful relationships - or having being scammed and cheated a little too much. This have not only made me more insecure (which isn't in itself self-sabotaging), but have made me extremely cautious to venture into anything new and extremely suspicious of people, their motives, AND my own judgment...with is self-sabotaging.

[@lena8967]

Thank you for every video in the last three weeks. Those videos help me get through the pain and depression 'cause I lost my father and dealing with this loss is a massive challenge for me right now.

[@alicepirola7077]

So sorry for your loss. Prayers 🙏

[@carolinebielby5924]

I'm sorry life is painful😢

[@MissChristine-wo6vp]

I love this channel and find it so very helpful. Thank you for your help and caring about other sufferers. One quote I use often is "Don't believe everything you think".

[@KenniCampbell-o2c]

Generally, I dislike medics due to their histrionics and general ignorance of the pharmaceuticals they prescribe as well as knowing about 'textbook cases' and not noticing the discrepancies between these and what I relate to them. You, fella, are a wee bit different due to your humanity. You are perceptive, sensitive, and I would add that you are consummately professional although I have never encountered you beyond witnessing your video broadcasts on KZbin. Well done, kid! I'll award you a notional A++ and a comment indicating your incisive interpretation here. Were I to witness one of your consultations as an observer, I would find it impressive.

[@intothesilence4927]

I was reminded of something I did when I was a child and in elementary school. I was nominated to represent my class and run the 440 because I was really fast at running...the 440 is one lap around the track. I remember the whistle blowing and me taking off around the track. I sprinted the whole way. I was ahead of everyone the whole way around. I was nearing the finish line and about to win first place and...... I fell. On purpose. I Intentionally fell! I chose to fall instead of winning! At the time I couldn't explain the reason. Everyone in my class was cheering me on and I chose to lose. Interesting, huh? Now at 54 years of age and my life in shambles, I can look back at a whole life of self sabotage. I've got a long road to travel with a lot less to time to do it in. But here goes everything.

[@marypower1261]

I know that constant fear of "when-am-i-gona mess-up-again?" And i also understand that idea of pre-empting rejection by opting to quit/ give up/ not-apply-for-roles etc and FOOL mySELF into believing i spared that OTHER person/ organization etc the STRESS of telling ME "you're not good enough" by deciding for mySELF "i am not good enough; they deserve someone BETTER THAN me 😔" and i sneak back into my little black hole of depression/ self-deprecation and conclude: being out there in the big bad world is not for me, it is way too stressful and TRIGGERING for past trauma (which NEVER goes away bydway, i am stuck forever with that "inner critic" whose voice/ word patterns are a mash-up of severe criticism my mother (AND my younger sister) levelled at me constantly throughout childhood, adolescence and all the way into my 30's. My mother died 17 years ago (R.I.P.) and approx 8-10 years ago i finally fell out with my sister in one blazing row - so those people are out of my life but their NEGATIVE CRITICISM is stuck inside my head as a constant companion. Maybe some of us just carry other peoples torments because they never could carry it themselves? I don't know. Self-sabotage became a way of life for me and it is hard to imagine anything else. I simply don't have enough self esteem - to date, i feel I've had 100% failure rate...

[@mcadams518]

I relate very much. But I don't believe anyone has a 100% failure rate. It's what we perceive is success. Like, too often my view of success is based on what others are achieving even when it's ordinary. I have to think of what does success look like for ME. I.e did I get up by 6:45, yes=score, did I feed myself and take meds, yes=score, did I get dressed, yes=huge score, did I stay out of bed, yes=great. A lot of days that is success for me. Does that make me feel pathetic? Yes sometimes, but I understand why that is huge for me.

[@bbb8182]

The reason I trust you and listen is because you admitted you had mental health problem(s) yourself. So many therapists do not confide that they have had serious challenges and I hate the feeling of failure and alienation that comes from just being with them.

[@TLA123y6f]

Thank you, Dr Scott. You are invaluable. I have abandonment issues so please please don't leave us :)

[@Maria-nl3px]

Stiff competition.....

[@Diane_McDon]

@@Maria-nl3px🤣🤣🤣

[@Nyt250]

Even though I made massive improvements this year and I'm doing much better, I wish I heard this like three years ago. You are a very empathetic and intelligent doctor, much respect for what you do.

[@antisocialite13]

I really appreciate the reassurance here to know the definition of self sabotaging. I had to leave a very bad situation to move home with my family in order to escape it. I was in constant fear that my ex was going to come kill me here for the longest time. I couldn’t sleep and alert to all sounds. I had gotten a job when I first returned but quit after 3 weeks. 5 months ago I had another job but did the same thing due to triggers there that I couldn’t share cuz really nobody gives a crap. I had loved ones tell me I’m sabotaging or that I’m just lazy. I truly miss working and being independent. But it takes so much to get there. It’s like people understand what I went through but don’t connect it to my struggles since then. I don’t socialize or have hobbies anymore because this scrutiny I faced by loved ones has made it a million times harder to heal, and in fact I’m waaaayyyy farther away from the goal and worse off than when I initially returned. The tough love bs is exactly that, just bs.

[@Sesso20]

This is such a valuable and tough video - I have been dealing with these thoughts of self-sabotage for the greater part of my life. And I just realized I might have falsely phrased them as such and that there were other underlying issues or strategies that I had. Especially kinda wanting not to get better, because it could mean, losing it eventually again. That bag of emotions, the disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness etc.. is just often times a bit too much to cope with.

[@Night-762-z9d]

I’m 17, I self sabotage because the stuff I did in the past, it was all fantasy-land related and it’s kinda hard to go towards a more better mindset and goals because I have years or wrapped layers of being in my own bubble and trying to control my life in the wrong way and I get influenced too easily, and feeling like others are attacking me when it’s their own delusions; family and people, and trying not to get caught in other peoples “Traps”. Currently I’m trying to get better sleep, eating healthy, working out, but for now I’m glad that I’m catching up on stuff that people don’t get to hear that much Thank You Scott. Side note Have a Good Day if your Reading this 👍

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

Man, I remember 17 and everyone acted like life will magically get better. It's all a big lie. If you ignore your problems, they will only grow. Congratulations on working on them!

[@Anotherperson-m5b]

And when we eventually get better, we still have to live with having a loved one abuse us. That's difficult/challenging. So water is purer than blood!!

[@octaviakuransky8569]

I'm changing. I am absolutely positive I am moving in the right direction for me at last. Thing is, I feel sick. My head feels thick, my stomach is upset, I'm sleepy. I have a sense my body is rearranging itself to this new me. It is scary. I have decided not talk about it to anyone and just let it roll out. More later.

[@quentinjohnson4477]

Are things working out?

[@octaviakuransky8569]

Thank you for asking. I am going to say yes. Not the way I thought! Sometimes better! Sometimes not. But since I finally understand I have no control over the situations I have decided to just learn what I can. And you?

[@quentinjohnson4477]

@@octaviakuransky8569 Sounds like your further along than me. I am right in the middle of chaos right now its so hard every single day. I'm realizing things about myself that I dont like so much. I have a cat which helps a lot but other than that I am alone which can be rough.

[@octaviakuransky8569]

I'm not further than you. It is very difficult right now. But I think that's a part of the process. Congratulations on beginning your journey to the truth. (By the way I realized what a self righteous know it all I am). Take care.

[@1972hermanoben]

I can imagine therapists, doctors, counsellors, friends and family of those you’re trying to reach cheering you on from 12:00 - really the best advice. While many of us who need to take it on board and apply it will come back with one of our thousand and one ready-to-go ‘yes, but’ ripostes, this is what we need to understand and remember whenever our ‘training’ kicks in. Thank you for the video. It’s not patronising, mollycoddling, excusatory nor packed with placatory waffle and it doesn’t take an hour to make a simple, clear point: in my opinion, it’s right on the money.

[@skooterboots2444]

He has a great point with that last part... If you believe so much in your maladaptive belief then be a good scientist, and do everything you can to prove that theory wrong to truly see whether it's right or not.

[@happysloth0679]

It really is liberating to find out self sabotage wasn't THE thing that was holding me back. Now I can focus on fixing those bad habits that are actually declining my life

[@Cliff_P]

When I had very bad panic attacks going out to the mall I thought to myself what's the worst thing that could happen, and I imagined myself debilitated (at first) and an ambulance called, and people concerned around me lol. And that it was not the end of the world maybe a litt le embarrassing but most importantly OK. It was ok if it happened in my mind. It did help ease the "fright" and helped me alot

[@Paul-im6hl]

Yezzzir I knew I was self sabotaging and I told myself “bring it on”!

[@mikecontos9423]

I discovered this chanel recently.. so great what you do sir. Speaks the truth, I havent had a good therapeutic experience before this. On this video's topic, I think addiction and compulsion definitely feels like self sabotage, when we slip-up or can't let it go.

[@pauladams1915]

My problem is that I don't think I deserve to be happy. Not that I'm a bad person, quite the opposite. People have taken advantage of me all my life, so when I do try to change and it doesn't work out I think "Oh well" and just give up. It's fair to say I hate my life

[@SibyllaCumana]

I hear you

[@CJ2K]

Change your internal world, keep hold of it. Don’t let outside world dictate your internal world

[@emil8679]

I heard one guy say once that he was continuously deatroying his life and he knew it. He said that he felt like he had had a piano hanging over his head his entire life, fearing it would squash him. Cutting the cord himself and letting it smash him at least made him feel in control. I think that is common if you listen to your thoughts too much. Take care of yourselves.

[@clockworkthoughts7830]

When I was young, I suffered from a lot of emotional abuse from someone who was probably a psychopath. Part of what makes healing hard is realizing that if what he told me were lies (that no one likes me, that I am stupid, etc.) then so much of my life is wasted on a lie. Maybe I didn't need to isolate myself and live apart from everyone else. If I am actually likable and capable of having relationships with other people, then most of my life was a waste of time. That's a tragedy that is very hard to stomach. It's much easier to just believe that I deserved all of these years of misery and loneliness, that there was no other way for thing to be.

[@lynnlytton8244]

I come from an abusive situation, and whenever I start into that "I wasted so much time on this! Where could I be today if I hadn't?" I have to wrench my thoughts away from that, and say firmly to myself, "Better late than never. I am not dead yet. I have time left, and I don't need to waste that, even if I did waste that time before." The hardest part is wrenching away my thoughts.

[@Kennykibble]

This is excelent. I radically self sabotaged a month ago, this has been very useful to undestand why

[@joeg3950]

Albeit I've done the observation of thoughts, behaviors, and action under a different rubric, it works, especially conducted over a long period of time. It's a practice that takes repeated and sustained effort. Many people don't do this, not only because it can be unpleasant/uncomfortable, but that it takes sustained effort over time. It's hard. Thanks for a good video.

[@yoonjinniecupcake]

1. Judging too early and doubting the potential >> When you are making attempts to get out a phase in life for eg picking a certain diet for weight management and when you don't see results after a certain period, you start doubting the efficiency of the diet and this may lead to you giving up on the diet and push you to your old unhealthy patterns. 2. Going to 10 from 0, hence burn out >> Making significant changes after no changes at all. Progress is meant to be slow and steady. Introducing big changes in life suddenly will eventually lead to burn out and hence giving up. 3. Setbacks are a part of your journey >> Setbacks could be both internal and external, and not every setback is a sabotage unless you are choosingly doing it to yourself.

[@carlae1590]

Thank you so much for defining exactly what self-sabotage means, that is immensely helpful! Now I can see that there are areas in my life where I am self-sabotaging, but I now know that other things that I was calling self-sabotage really aren't. I feel so relieved that I can really finally stop blaming and guilting myself! Thank you, Dr. Scott! ❤😊🎉

[@Stephanie-yr5du]

Thanks!

[@DrScottEilers]

Thank you!

[@JulieGriffith-t2f]

I was nodding my head through this whole video. So much resonated with me.

[@Swytched]

I fear my own potential at times, not even in an egotistical sense. Just all the responsibilities that would follow and the expectations I feel will drown me. So it's as if I freeze or get in the way of myself, especially when things improve. As of today (and this took a while) I've kinda got my mind set where the me that was in the way is now more curious to see what's past. Here's hoping.

[@mcadams518]

THIS exactly

[@brett2595]

This is exactly my problem. Its like one little glimmer and then I am stuck in a downward spiral.

[@OG_lesliedixon]

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to get this information and have been totally misunderstood. Wow. Thank you!

[@gugatena4990]

Gracias por este espacio para todos nosotros que convivimos con perosnas que padecen depresión…saludos cariñosos desde Merida Yucatan!

[@mi39471]

Some very important realizations for me while watching this video: I've lost trust in myself, and it's going to take some work to build myself back up, while at the same time believe that I'm worth it. Oh man, there's a lot of work ahead for me.

[@ralphjay1816]

Your videos are as if always talking about my whole life and me idont know why i am so comfortable listening to you always, we have many things in common Dr. Scott.

[@thesocialintrovertchronicles]

I am definitely self sabotaging over and over again 😢..... And am really so tired of that never ending cycle😑

[@ImmaCuteKitten]

I think I'm unconsciously self sabotaging. I think I'm a failure, and I don't deserve success, and every time I have an exam at university, a few weeks before I get so depressed by other factors and I can't study and I fail, reassuring my beliefs

[@ABC-gt4rd]

I feel this deep to my core

[@anordinaryfellow2832]

Relatable Id advise, try a Self-CBT (Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy) Embrace you emotions and thoughts and learn how to recognize them ( Whenever they pop up) and challenge those thoughts. Am I really a failure? Is this actual factual, objective truth or am I just bullshitting myself? I'd also advise you to learn how to love your self. I followed a few steps that actually helped me: Understanding your past self Having compassion/empathy for your past self Forgiving your past/ present self Only when you forgive your self and let go, you finally start to love yourself>> respect yourself>> being confident and having a good opinion about yourself. Its gonna take some time but its okay, one step at the time.

[@sherrieh2062]

I have anhedonia. I isolate in my room all day and night. I’ve had rounds of therapists that diagnosed me with MDD and am on antidepressants which haven’t been helping. The only time I come out of my house is when I have to get groceries. I’ve been this way since 2020. I have suicidal ideation more than I’d like to admit. I’ve gotten so used to this I can’t break the habit. My family doesn’t understand and it ruins our relationship. My husband has given up and just lets me sit in my room and cry hysterically. My kids and grandkids don’t get to be with me because I can’t seem to do anything else than sit in bed. Right now I just want to scream. I can’t self motivate. My physical body has weakened due to lack of activity. I feel it will never get better. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[@Maria-nl3px]

I am sorry

[@remildis]

I can relate to this, not all of it of course, but the isolation and not going out and sitting in bed all day. even though it can look kind of grim sometimes, I do believe that since we were brought here to this type of content we have the will to get better. At this point, at least personally, I don't think any motivation will come naturally, but with baby steps maybe we could create a new routine/habit. For example I have marked an hour a day in my calendar to be with my family, maybe thats an objective too grand, or maybe it's too small. Thing is, only experience will tell. We have to do stuff in order to readjust for what feels good for us. Maybe we could try going out of our rooms and just have a walk around the block one day and feel comfortable enough to do so. I believe in us, stranger!

[@mnunezx]

The very first example that you don't consider self-sabotage is EXACTLY my problem! Omg thank you for mentioning it. Where can I get more help or information with overcoming this?

[@TheeBratzDollxox]

This video just took an enormous sense of shame and internalized frustration for my shoulders. And I like…REALLY needed that ❤

[@sharonoddlyenough]

I lost a lot of weight quickly, and while I was enjoying the total change in my life that triggered it, I became suspicious that it would reverse. Thankfully, my weight has stabilized, but it took a couple months of maintaining to be certain that this new life is something I can keep.

[@saltiestsiren]

I have OCD and the self-sabotaging is a compulsion. The obsessions are like, being afraid of losing who I am because I identify very strongly with various traits that are either symptoms of my depression or that my mind attributes to my depression. I get angry and scared when it's implied that my thoughts and emotions aren't who I am or that they can't always be trusted. I have become unwilling to question my thoughts or give up emotional reasoning much of the time. And of course I'm conscious of all this. I'm going through ERP but it's been hard to figure out how to do ERP with these kinds of things. It's extremely complicated and meta. I have found very few anecdotes online of others who deal with this kind of thing, so I try to share mine wherever I can, like this. I've been at the bottom of the barrel, as you described it, for a very long time. I started feeling a bit depressed when I was 9 and saw a commercial for Cymbalta and was like "Oh, I get that." Then by 13-14 the anxiety/panic/depression started to hit like a train. It got really bad, really quickly. My environment was good but also had some major issues w/invalidation and just not getting along with my family. And now the rock bottom feels very comfortable but at the same time awful. I want to feel better but I also don't want to. And yeah re-hitting rock bottom once I've been doing good hurts so much! It's like whiplash. So I'd often rather stay safe and comfy down here in the darkness, y'know?

[@myrahendersonreynolds437]

Thank You, Dr Scott, I so wish I lived in Cedar Rapids Iowa. So much of what u say is very helpful.

[@andreapeters981]

Deep, deep, deep. But profound - as always. You are a life saver.

[@Shessobizzare]

I find myself going back to what was comfortable 😊

[@Openyoureyes737]

Identify your mental stories or thoughts and wake up to them. That’s it. They are just THOUGHTS. sound bites. You have to do this over and over again to sustain lasting change.

[@emilypeguero6060]

You are an angel, bless you! I’m buying your book from this one video, next paycheck

[@geekygal1073]

This is Golden. Dr Scott u r amazing. I am getting better

[@ManuelMoeGarcia]

This topic is so important, and this viewpoint and techniques for a better result are so fantastic. Thank you.

[@empathic.supernova]

Love the 7 👍🏻 28 minutes prior to airtime! Shows the love ❤️ Edit: make that 8!

[@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot]

Not the same thing # thoughts big. 2# action fast ty😅nice

[@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot]

🫰👎Truth. 🤜🤛ty 🤜🤛🙄⁉️🤨🤝 idk❓️what's app🚫🤒🧠

[@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot]

F

[@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot]

😌⏳️📚 ‼️🧠😃✏️🖍🎨

[@empathic.supernova]

​@@SueEllenSmith-ju4ot Wow! Wish I knew what you were saying. Lol

[@squashylove]

Sometimes I’m scared that I feel better that I stress over it and end up doing nothing so I don’t improve in the end. It’s like feeling okay means I’ve been faking my mental health problems especially because I’m probably on the more mild side of depression/anxiety so it feels like I’m overreacting…also bad coping habits make it harder to fix things because when I do feel really depressed that’s all I can do, and once I start getting better it feels more comfortable to keep retreating to those when I feel bad really similar to what you were describing in some ways but it’s also not really hitting it’s weird

[@lotushead_music]

Literally speaking about me. Good stuff dude. Had to sub

[@abdulc5726]

This video earned a subscribe

[@kvlt22]

Thank you so much, this video was everything I needed to hear

[@NetflixTopVideos]

Thank you that was valuable for me, in this at the moment. 🤲

[@stevielove4778]

Since when does self-sabotage have to be conscious? I think subconscious self-sabotage, or semi-conscious sabotage is far more common. Rarely do we consciously determine : “I’M GOING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING I HAVE WORKED FOR TOMORROW! Annnnd GO!” It’s far more subtle than that.

[@kgc0609]

For me, it is that "belief system contaminating the data" is always what hampers me from getting out of the pot hole. My negative attitude has already become part of myself, and the whole "data gathering process" will always involve myself interacting with the subject, which is in your analogy, equivalent to using an already contaminated apparatus for acquiring data. I at least am sure that this is not doable alone.

[@densedecisions4568]

1:44 2:17 My ability to stick to a plan(?) 2:41 I tend to relapse after adherence to my plans builds up. Like an AUC of waiting for delays X axis, and complexity Y 5:30 coincidentally said ahead of time. JNot necessarily for resolutions 6:03 Expenses for interesting days out, projects and such. 6:30 6:34 I came home wary of my decision fatigue. My legs have been real tired constantly. 7:27 I think I look forward/overhype needing to rest 7:55 9:10 Lmao I was slower to cook my breakfast before school one day. Felt 9:50 My Dad got confused trying to put off an alarm on my ipad. I figured out on the fly, being more used to being in a pinch on how to do things. 11:10 disagree. I force myself to be wary of "peak before crash", but it doesn't give me a return of having a protocol 13:18 interesting 13:53 I sat there feeling stupid tinkering, but it did provide some value in the end.

[@TJ-fd9iw]

I learned so much from this video! Thank you!

[@lisalasers]

between the autism and the IQ, i can connect with few, very few people. life is hard. but i’m not in the depths of depression right now, so i can see a future again. this video was incredibly interesting. i don’t seek happiness, i seek fulfillment. the world sucks. people suck. but as i age, i’ve taught myself to focus less in those truths.

[@dadada486]

My problem is self sabotaging also feels good. It feels you are in control. It feels you are your own agency. You don't allow others to have power over you. This feeling though feels so good, that self sabotaging becomes habitual. Even if I test my theory and it turns out I'm wrong, I'm not sure I want to be wrong. There is comfort in being bad if failing, because it doesn't cone with complexity nor expectation.

[@johnloftin2461]

I always enjoy your videos. I have OCD/ Bi Polar 1 and self sabotage is like an "art form" for me. I went on disability for it a few years ago. Lots of shame and self sabotage come with having to stop working. Keep up the good work.

[@Momocreme]

I think my issue throughout my self growth journey was questioning why I would say or do something which would allow me to be more conscious but it would also in turn lead me to fixating on it and overthinking resulting in me spiraling in a sense especially as someone who is extremely hard on themself.

[@Bearcub599]

Thank you for this candid video.

[@kathyneville9768]

Not cutting the zucchini right, that's what I experienced for years after leaving a household of criticism and constant blame. Finally on my own at 23, I was making dinner for a group of people, and all I could 'feel' is how do I cut the zucchini? I felt so ashamed and wrong, that I wouldn't be cutting the zucchini the way someone else would, my way was wrong. It took me years!!! to stop looking over my shoulder for the phantom of criticism; omg, just now as I am writing this, do I realize why, again for years, my left shoulder would always rise up; in fact, when I was taking horseback riding lessons, the instructor said, you need to stop raising that left shoulder. 😢; I worked for years and years to stop the cellular memory of 'cutting the zucchini wrong' and raising my left shoulder, which I still have to be aware of consciously. I am 77 now, and traumatic childhood adversity still hangs over me, dealing with all the issues, and yes, I always felt/feel that if I start to feel better, I wouldn't be able to relate to my self, it is uncomfortable feeling better and I do, well, metaphorically speaking, keep raising that left shoulder and cutting the zucchini wrong.

[@jonsalmon2352]

Thank you Sir, everything you say and every podcast thus far describes me exactly

[@rhondaphillips432]

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROGRAM❤❤❤❤😊😊😊😊😊

[@deborahbasel184]

I find comfort in being uncomfortable with my Depression. If that makes sense.

[@VeryStupid4547]

Makes total sense to me.

[@jahoytodiesforahoy4615]

Perfectly lucid, it's near game over when it's your 2nd skin

[@spaceboy5626]

In my case, i self sabotaged because theres a girl who i loved and was ready to devote my life to her. She cut me off and wanted me to move on... I didnt have much hope in us working anymore so i tried to givr up hope by self sabotaging so that i feel like i dont deserve to love her or to recieve her love... that way whenever shed interact with me, id habe the self prophecy of making it not work out... that was theory.. but then when she did interact with me, i actually had many chances to make it work out but because of my self sabotage i was on the path of pushing her away and our interactions ended with drama - which further encouraged me to self sabotage... this became a cycle and now i find it difficult to not self sabotage cz the things i self sabotage with are pleasurable things, and without the pleasure of those things my life feels empty and not so meaningful anyways, so ive turned more to the hedonistic lifestyle, chasing meaningless pleasures.... however ive been constantly trying to find meaning in my life... drive and purpose and passion... these things are lacking and im not sure how to get them

[@sixtoomanycats9769]

Thank you for breaking this down, now I realize I do some intentional and some unintentional self-sabotage. Very helpful. Also Dr Scott, I was thrown off because your calendar still says the 25th of July. Lol.

[@tommydrenn8967]

This resonates with me deeply

[@SandraG-e7f]

Alot of knowledge in this video. Many should listen

[@CMoore8539]

This makes a world of sense to me! I agree with you Dr. Ailers!!❤

[@thomchapman2352]

I love your videos , great content ,extreamly helpful , great voice which makes the info sink into my head

[@tplude1]

WOAH!!! This was very insightful!! ❤

[@Myrical32007]

NO FREAKIN WAY. I just thought about this. Like maybe I'm afriad to be happy???

[@andrewjaramillo]

Big fan. This video really opened my eyes to what I do. Thank you for breaking it down.🙏👍

[@Προκείμενον]

Those beliefs are theories. Helpful point!❤ It deflates them.