Why YOU Take Things Personally (and 4 Steps To Stop)

Taking things personally is very painful. Changing this habitual pattern can truly help you live a happier life. This 4 STEP PROCESS to change has actionable steps you can begin to implement today. Uncover the negative core belief underneath your tendency to take things personally. Understanding the key reason(s) that you take things personally can help you take the steps to change it.
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Disclaimer:
This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via KZbin, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

[@sneakerbabeful]

I was raised to take things personally. To take responsibility for everyone else's feelings. I was raised to assune if people were upset it was my fault.

[@petersantospago1966]

It's awful!!! I have to constantly be on top of myself about this...I literally have to say aloud to myself things like..."that's his problem, not mine"... "I don't have to be concerned about her problems."... "That's their issues not mine and I'm not being responsible for it.". Well you see... And I have to practice it every day... And over the past year I've gotten much better at not taking other people's stuff onto myself.... Try it. Good bless

[@mbd1_20]

I'm really going to practice this. The core belief that I'm not good enough I'm sure resonates to a lot of people. It triggered me when you said, 'what would this feel like if I did feel I am good enough?' I never thought to do that.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Awesome. Yes, a LOT of people feel this. So glad that question helped - I find it super useful!

[@homiekeen23]

Just asking that question breaks me down....

[@awesome_monke3902]

I'm 16yrs old trying to overcome this issue. That's pretty surprising because everyone here is mostly a mature adult in the same position as I am. Bettering myself is the most mature thing I could do. Thank you for making this video.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

How wonderful you are looking into these things while you are young! Awesome. Wishing you all the best! Barbara

[@LOVE_ALL_AROUND]

In my career for over 25 years. Anytime I had a narc boss, like I do currently, I end up in fight or flight stage, mostly flight and leave without practicing conflict resolution. I am at the point where I want to change because of the stress. I allow my boss to take up too much space in my head. I am a great employee and love my job. I am motivated to resolve this. Thank you for your content.

[@ViniBsb1973]

This vídeo is worth ten times the therapy I did my hole life

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for letting me know, AND I'm sorry to hear that your experiences with therapy weren't great!

[@user-zx7th7ji9g]

People laugh at my appearance in public all the time. And I get sad it it destroys my confidence I know I can’t control others but how do I control my self from feeling like this

[@user-qi2sf2fz2h]

Something that has worked for me is to think that I am too vanguardist for their taste. People make fun of your appearance because they dont understand. So, if they laugh, laugh with them. Its their ignorance whats funny, not how you look. I live in the tropics and love to wear many colors at once. People make fun of that but it makes ME feel energized and full of light. So, I can deal with a few laughs for it. I love laughing anyways!

[@_AllenParks]

"...this was in the days we were together with other people. I hope that returns someday soon."😄

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Truly!!

[@n.josifoska7630]

These videos about taking things personally came at the right time in my life. I feel like I finally know how to start working on myself and what to focus on. Thank you so much! Looking forward to the next video.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I'm so, so glad!

[@coolbreeze5683]

This is a great video. I also feel like people in general give the opinions of others too much power while not giving their own opinions enough power to themselves. This is tough to realize when you're younger but as you grow older, you reflect back on all of the instances where your own opinion and instincts were right and what many other people told you was incorrect. But we tended to believe other people over our own genuine beliefs. No one truly knows better than anyone else what the purpose and paths of our lives are so it's best to live in your own power.

[@katherinemarsh4621]

I'm really going to take this on board and practice what you have said. I had a work situation recently that I got really offended and took something a colleague did so personally that I took it to my manager - we had a good talk about it and he pointed out to me - kindly - that I do tend to take some things very personally and that in this particular situation this colleague was being professional and not actually attacking me personally - it made me really stop and think about my response and was a wake up call. I really do want to change and be kinder to myself and others - very glad I came across your channel - Thank You :)

[@RachelleKates]

Perfect timing!

[@stefaniasmanio5857]

Hi Barbara. What about always feeling guilty? Always and in any situation!? And feeling so meaningless… have a good week

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi Stefania: So sorry to hear if you are feeling this way... :(. guilt and meaninglessness can be tied to depression - not my specialty area. Therapists can often be very helpful for this.... Sending you health and healing :)

[@stefaniasmanio5857]

@@BarbaraHeffernan thank you so much. Spent quite a loto of time in some sorts of therapy… not very useful, indeed. Anyway, lot of people are struggling with worse problems..

[@rodelmar1]

Thanks so much, have a great month!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you! You too!

[@user-zt7ni5su3u]

Fabulous topic. Need to hear more about this. Thanks

[@curlypeleno1043]

thank you, it makes sense now.

[@HollandFamilyDothan]

So glad I stumbled on your channel. Please continue the great work! Very practical and to the point. Thank you!!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Awesome, thank you!

[@m0oshie8558]

I am very interested in hearing more of your ideas on how to work on my core.You make total sense to me,so that helps a lot.

[@joannwill9748]

Thinking about the core belief and reframing feels so much better. I was feeling really stuck on "I shouldn't be taking this personally"

[@SendItForward]

LOVE it, LOVE it, LOVE IT!!!!

[@mirian8613]

Thank you for this topic and resonated with me because I have been practicing self reflecting when someone say or do something that really shake me. By using the self reflecting, I come out with better understanding of myself and the other party most of the time. However, sometimes it takes time or unable to find the why but just knowing that there could be a possibility that there is something else that I need to explore and it is about me helps me. Thank you.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome! Glad it resonated

[@Mikeonmicrocaps]

Thank you. You are an Awesome Human Being

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you - that is very kind :)

[@TheDanielleMarsh]

Thank you Doctor! This is important

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome!

[@frankieromero2171]

right time right place thank you

[@smeemira8225]

Love your channel! So helpful

[@donnaquinlan6530]

Wow Love this approach thank you so much for your content I will be sharing this in the future

[@cassandratarentino3150]

you address this beautifully- thank u

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome! Thanks for your kind comment!

[@wanjiruolive]

thank you powerful video

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So glad to hear you felt it was powerful!!

[@nicolamacdonald6835]

Thank you so much for your fantastic work. Its great your trying to help people. God Bless you. Xx

[@lindacooper3464]

I just had an aha moment and you are right, it is important to me and how I reflect about myself. Thank you for making me realize.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You're so welcome! So glad you had an aha! moment!!

[@sll110]

your talking are exteemely helpful, my mom narcissist, I was groomed to be perfect target of evils, need to learn it

[@shawnaalbert9738]

Wow I admire all your work! And look forward to studying all your videos Thank you so so much Very much appreciated💐

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You're most welcome! And I appreciate your letting me know!

[@katrijndepuydt1355]

So grateful, waw this is such a good advice, thank you for putting this out by your work!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome! Thanks for letting me know it was helpful!

[@throtm4619]

Thank you

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You're welcome!

[@GodHelpMe369]

be with Jesus receive prayer BE EXPECTANT OF FRUIT Jesus Thank you for your faithfulness Jesus thank you for loving me Jesus thank you for creating me Jesus thank you for making me beautiful Jesus in your holy name I receive what you have prepared for me the enemy wants to create an atmosphere of fear, disappointment and hopelessness. Disagree with this vehemently by training your gaze on the One Who loves you! May God bless you and keep you May His face shine upon you and may the Mantle of the Blessed Mother surround You ✝

[@kidsplaymusic]

this is very good for me to get well and understand myself.

[@grainnehenry4766]

Thank you for coming into my life today I am at low end at this moment in time . After the first question I have felt at coming home .

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome, and I truly hope these videos are helpful for you. I wish you health and healing.

[@susunque2245]

Wow. After stumbling across your channell and watching a few videos..Im convinced your advice May help me deal with my RSD (1 of the many other emotional aspects I struggle with Daily, as a result of my add. Unfort Im a víctim of not being correctly until I was 48 yrs old. Gonna Subscribe and hope to work hard on your advice. Kudos to you for sharing tour knowledge! (still practicing 17 yrs later🤦‍♀️)👍👍👏👏👏

[@wlflwronline]

god bless you

[@user-gt9vx5xk8q]

It`s a nice video, thank you. What I keep thinking - we got screwed up in relationship, with our parents, and now when we are so used to our screwed up way of thinking, everybody says - here, do the questionnaire, read a book, listen to the lecture etc. - all solitary activities. And I am realizing, for me to be in a healthy relationship, and not necessarily romantic, maybe a support group, friends is much more healing than doing intellectual exercises by myself. There should be some research about it, right:) I know some say, do not get yourself involved in a relationship till you are healed, but honestly, I do not think it is possible without getting involved in healthier relationships.

[@suponglongkumer5393]

Very very helpful mam 🙏

[@marrylindaalipar5402]

GOD Help me to practice this.I really need this🙏

[@KC-wz8sb]

This is an excellent video. Helping me so much. Can't say that about too many videos but this one is just great and so helpful. Thank you so much!!!!!!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You're very welcome! And thank you for your kind feedback :). I truly hope itn helps!!

[@KC-wz8sb]

@@BarbaraHeffernan Hi Barbara! I've been watching alot of your videos and they are helping so much! Going through a breakup so the personalization is at an all high. But your content is helping me break it all down. Grateful for you! and your voice is very soothing too :)

[@M.Laluna]

Great video

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are welcome and thanks for letting me know!

[@anikajuneja]

Hello! Lovely video. I was wondering of you could also do a video on diunital and dichotomous cognition.

[@_AllenParks]

Thank you Barbara. This is VERY helpful! Pleasantly surprised about the third part! Also when are you planning to chat with us live? 🙂

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi Allen: Thanks for letting me know you'd like me to do a live! Which topics in particular are resonating with you now?

[@_AllenParks]

@@BarbaraHeffernan Thanks for reply. Please guide me through your channel, I can't seem to find a video about 'How to HEAL your core beliefs'. And if there's no specific video about that yet, I would love to have a couple of your advices. Thanks!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi: I try to address healing and solutions in each video to some extent. Often, to truly heal we do need outside help. EMDR therapy can be awesome. I also have a 6 month online program that directly addresses this kind of healing: www.awakenjoy.life/roadmap

[@parisparis808]

You dont deserve this, you deserve better than this world can give you tbh 🙏

[@bevhowell7665]

It’s causing real problems for me. In the work place as I am reactive I said , to the person “before we start the conversation , I take things personally, I don’t know why, I need to fix it, “ so we started the conversation, Context, is to correct a problem, It is not my fault , this is where I went, how come it’s just me , this is in the whole community I started to go down the rabbit hole, I said “ hold it, I’m sorry, can we go back on topic ,”. Even though I know , it’s like I automatically become defensive. I don’t like me for this how to lose friends and make Enemies ., this is why I’m here on your channel What your saying is light bulb moment ,.

[@erinm9445]

This is all wonderful advice and such a helpful step-by-step! However, I'm wondering what you think about situations where someone really does, objectively, treat you differently than they treat other people, and in a negative way? This happens all the time between people, and I struggle to see this as "it's not about me." Yes, it is definitely about the other person, but it is also about the way they treat you vs someone else, showing less respect, consideration, or affection. I also think that in these situations it is often somewhat about you in the sense that we have patterns that show up in our lives again and again because of our unconscious expectations of others, and the signals we put out about what kind of treatment we will and won't tolerate. So in that sense it is somewhat about us too. Not trying to argue your points, I'm trying to understand more deeply.

[@paulkinsella6536]

I think dealing with people takes a lot of skill. The world is a mix of all sorts. I agree that childhood experiences have a major impact on how we behave in later life. Friends of mine who are successful all have one thing in common, they don't care or are affected by what others think of them. They are insulated from criticism and negativity by an inner built confidence. They are positive to be around, and help you to build up your own confidence.

[@derycktrahair8108]

People- pleasing as a survival strategy. It never works cos we can't please everyone. It only takes one miserable So&so to upset me. But knowing that I'm a small part in the scheme of things takes away the pain of rejection. Often a jerk is more worried about what you think of Him.

[@lilabukvic4216]

We cant change us self and we cant change enviroment but we can be aware of what is going on inside us. When we bring attention it transform in magical way.

[@roses123ize]

Love the video on rumination, at it's mercy for a year or more after failed relationship last year. Very little exposure to these kind of penetrative ideas & Common sense approach here in the u k. Virtually impossible to find & benefit from this kind of help unless lots of money & chance meetings with competent non jaded professionals. Could have done with it years ago ! Thankyou 😊

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are welcome. Thank you for letting me know how important it is for you!

[@roses123ize]

@@BarbaraHeffernan so nice when receiving reply, best wishes - Martyn *

[@amyj.4992]

1. Dark Night of the Soul, observation of triggers. 2. Believe it, to achieve it. Challenge, my bias. 3. There is a such thing, as absorbing the woe o others. And others fears, will not be my fuss. Negative people, always trying to control someone else's narrative 4. When I feel good in myself, I think about who I was yesterday, and who I started off as on the morning of the same day. And remaining in that love, from the start of the day and holding the energy of that morning. *I took things personally, because I know I wouldn't come at others the way they feel comfortable coming for me. Then I have to catch myself, from projecting by reminding my mind certain things are not response worthy and some are. Pick and choose my battles, basically

[@Supershark83]

I know enough not to take most people's actions personally. However I can't reconcile the actions of my adult child , with whom I have been close for most of his life, who has made many statements lately that say he doesn't want to be around me and presents false excuses. Okay, lies. I'm crushed. He fluctuates between acting his typical self and then saying very painful rejecting things. If my reaction ( sadness) is about me, then it seems I have no right to question or broach an inquiry or discussion about this bewildering behavior.My solution is to withdraw because any action I take otherwise seems wrong. I seldom lack the motivation to look for a solution, but this predicament has me stumped.

[@HomeFrendsten]

Children experience narcsistc parents telling or doing anything intentionally and later figuring out ,violent behavior hurt children

[@luzzapata1575]

Please Barbara, how can I get a private session with you? I really need some body to talk and resolve my family situation. Thank you

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi Luz: Sorry for the delay! Information about working with me is here: www.awakenjoy.life/1-on-1-coaching. I only see a very small number of people for coaching 1:1. My online 6 month program might be very useful for you. Usually resolving these issues takes a fair amount of self reflection and time. The program walks you through this and has a whole section on boundaries :www.awakenjoy.life/roadmap

[@joshuatryon2320]

Thanks for this video, but I had an issue with it. I take things too personally, but it doesn't seem to come from a negative core belief, rather it comes from the distortion that I am above criticism. Does that make me a narcissist? What should I do?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

hmmm...I'm curious: If you are above criticism and you receive criticism, what does that mean about you?

[@joshuatryon2320]

I would think it means that I am, in fact, not without fault. But when I am being criticized, I always feel outraged at first. So I feel like my self concept is weak.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I often find it is helpful to work with "I am human and make mistakes." "I can make mistakes and still be a good person." It is a very high standard if we expect ourselves never to make mistakes...

[@MsSumandas]

Watch Fredrick Imbo Ted talk for

[@Lyrielonwind]

Maybe we should accept we are not good enough for people (a nobody else will be) who are toxic and be thankful they rejected us. Rejection is God's protection.

[@m.g5796]

could be very interesting to know how racism play a role in some way, I mean if you feel someone is being rude towards you, could be that ai am taking things personally or that I have been discriminated 🤨🤔

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes, racism plays a role. If someone is being rude because of another's race, it is because they are racist. It is not because of anything in particular about the person they are being rude to - does that make sense? If we realize it is about the other person, and not us, that doesn't make it ok, and there may be actions we would like to take, or need to take, or boundaries to set.

[@m.g5796]

@@BarbaraHeffernan thank you 🌟I love your videos you explain things in a way that is easier for me to understand , that is why I love them 💐

[@MareckiM-iy6go]

What this lady is talking about?

[@marthinazeferino6173]

Good video but you stop many times to promote other videos and topics. It breaks the line of thought. Not so good.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for the feedback!