*WORST* Fatherly Advice *EVER* ASMR

[@Xijor]

As someone who grew up with no father I will take this horrible advice with complete seriousness.

[@henry_rearden]

OOF

[@HopeLandis267]

Umm maybe find some other advice trust me.

[@jahaha748]

Same fr

[@imtiazmihad1850]

@@HopeLandis267 it's sarcasm, duh

[@HopeLandis267]

@@imtiazmihad1850 I'm not stupid...

[@embersmirage3896]

You somehow managed to start with Zoophilia and managed to imediately give worse advice. I am impressed Rift, truly a masterpiece.

[@bradyparisien3533]

This made me do at least 2 chuckles

[@nocturnal2284]

@@bradyparisien3533 hahah why do it

[@CWINDOWSsystem32]

To be fair, his advice on zoophilia is completely sound under his stipulations, those being legality and consent.

[@nocturnal2284]

@@CWINDOWSsystem32 probs maybe we’ll 😂uh fair enough

[@BlueDragon1504]

@@CWINDOWSsystem32 Exactly. He fixed it himself by adding the consent part. The main reason that beastiality is fucked up, even if it's legal where you live, is because animals are completely incapable of giving any form of consent or even comprehending what consent is.

[@AprilOlig]

"I sold 16 kids and made MAD bank" 😭 I laughed so hard I wasn't even sleepy anymore

[@Zenith-zx4sv]

me too bro, me too.

[@tripleskittlez]

Tstamp?

[@reformsora2068]

Around 7:05 is when the bit starts

[@galaxycatzzz]

@@tripleskittlez it’s at 7:20 :-)

[@bencallender5061]

Looks like he almost laughed too

[@PenleyIsLost]

The father we didn’t deserve but the father we needed.

[@Cheers_2_You]

so true 💙

[@benzinc582]

@@m0-m0597 unfortunately my father is the one up in the morb heavens. Dr Micheal Morbius. We must pray to the one true morber. And remember my friend. It’s always morbin time.

[@Millerofmac-rip]

nah i think i deserve a dad

[@PlasmaAsthmaOG]

@@dixienormus-6916 he morbed on us too hard

[@sadflix8754]

@@catherinemartin1957 no, you probably just morbed for the first time, it’s a very surreal feeling that only those who’ve morbed can understand

[@ridd4495]

I have never heard anyone say, “goodnow” but I feel as if I have been enlightened in the way and art of greeting someone

[@dirtbones3694]

I really hope this is your first ER video

[@the_manchovie1795]

@@catherinemartin1957 better than the marvel one

[@WaterDragonGames4]

Welcome to the Ephemeral Rift community. Goodnow.

[@3k166]

@@catherinemartin1957 facts

[@emmalynnr6310]

I had the same thought. I’m new here

[@justfornucs]

"Don't pay your taxes" - the best advice.

[@averagejoe8358]

If the taxman comes to the door, call the police immediately.

[@justfornucs]

@@averagejoe8358 lets be honest, cops would probably help the taxman

[@ffwast]

@@justfornucs he's just talking about making it a target rich environment.

[@anusmcgee4150]

@@justfornucs The cops would simply break down your front door and shoot you then lie to the media about it.

[@ffwast]

@@joltfungus4422 Tax evasion is always morally correct,you are the evil one here.

[@marrriiaa895]

“SPEND THAT SHIT BRUH” I felt that in my soul 🤣

[@spookmusic1271]

when does he say this i wanna hear it

[@spookmusic1271]

@@theh0pester929 thanks

[@dakotabrown8581]

Hearing uncle rift refer to making money as “mad bank” feels like me when I finally hit that mid life crisis stage.

[@andrewhilbert4790]

Came here to sleep, left so inspired i took every drug imaginable, dropped out of school, and procreated with 52 different species of animal! Never been more fulfilled in my life! Thanks dad 😎👍

[@cosmo1355]

This man really said “never let them know your next move”

[@PomadaGaming]

Lmao

[@zoebaggins90]

I would definitely take advice from a dad wearing a flamingo shirt.

[@Dan280974]

scp 173 is in the amount of likes in this comment

[@quantumblur_3145]

and thus, Florida came to be

[@dirankomorov]

Unfortunately as a security guard I often have to stay awake for over 24hrs (my record is 44hrs now) because my relief doesn't show up/calls off etc. To stay awake I recommend anything with phenylalanine (like diet Sunkist, some off-brand energy drinks), it works much better than caffeine for me.

[@echo8933]

I reccomend any of that and whatever placebo you can get. I don't have an overly demanding job, but I have two jobs and for a while didnt have a car, so I was regularly staying up for over two days. I can say whatever you use, you gotta BELIEVE that this drink or whatever is the thing that will get you through

[@julianfahrenschon3902]

As a landscaper, the one thing I can say human's need are spare penises and testicles. Usually hospitals have those in the outback medical dumpsters; feel free to explore!

[@CAPTTIGHT230]

Sorry you have to stay up so late...but also bad channel to type about staying up lol

[@HexFire03lmao]

Lawsuit time

[@dirankomorov]

@@HexFire03lmao not really, it's pretty standard across the security profession because of the worker shortages

[@kenzicore]

After hearing “your body, your choice” advice: Oh this can’t be the worst advice! After hearing “Production of Offspring” advice: You know what nevermind. Quit while I’m ahead

[@kiri7678]

I thought the title was a joke and Rift was gonna actually be serious. Nope.

[@roboticartist2793]

Gotta hear the rest before jumping off that cliff.... not literally

[@thatoneguy12ize]

Lol you fell for it too easily

[@anusmcgee4150]

This isn’t the airport, you don’t have to announce your departure

[@comeatmebro8120]

@@roboticartist2793 Or maybe literally if you want to. Your body, your choice

[@jbygrove3912]

This should be called “ephemeral rift tries to get cancelled for an hour”

[@kilgoretrout3]

Can't be canceled if you don't engage in social media and work by yourself

[@DDunc1020]

Shut up with that canceled brainwashed bullshit

[@mangoman1096]

Can’t be canceled if you sleep with and then drug anyone who tries to cancel you.

[@zeekhoron9546]

You know this comment really didn't age well

[@nicholas8690]

"you mean coitus?" - Dude Easily the most hilarious ASMR I've ever heard. Kinda hard to sleep when you're wiping away tears of laughter.

[@adelinepotter1661]

i still desperately need a fatherly hug from this man.

[@tb6516]

Same here man

[@Donut-pi2ti]

you said that four months ago, almost half a year, still need it?

[@fffboil]

@@Donut-pi2ti its been a year, do you think he still needs it?

[@fl0wfull]

16:10 That quote actually convinced me

[@grantelliott4283]

Uncle E, I want to thank you for helping me through these last 10 months. It’s been rough, but watching your videos always felt like I had a another friend with me in those tough times. I truly can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate the amount of time and effort you put into your videos. Thank you for the Laughs and Comfort you’ve brought me these last 3 years. Thank you Uncle E for your help ( P.S. I really love the cryptography videos and if you ever have the chance to update your Spotify playlists I know it would be greatly appreciated.)

[@schwoondoggle]

@Illgiveyourwifeanal To make you a man I know what's more sad, and it's you. It's you for trying (and failing) to make fun of this poor guy who's obviously had it rough recently. I'm sorry to the original commentor. I don't know what happened to you but I hope it's better now.

[@marshallgrabill9375]

@Illgiveyourwifeanal To make you a man Don't use words like whom when saying such stupid shit. My wife's waiting on you too don't be too long now

[@Strato-s]

@@schwoondoggle you made him delete his comment nice

[@schwoondoggle]

@@Strato-s lol

[@Taireyn]

7:20 “I made mad bank” Went into a quick midnight laughing fit there

[@latehateisme1632]

I feel like if I fall asleep to this, I’ll be a bad father when I have children!

[@theunicornzombie2138]

I don’t know what it is but this guy is somehow the most cool, serious and at the same time hilarious man I know and I just find myself smiling while watching most videos he’s posting from time to time. Rly aprecheate u ER

[@ethangrobb653]

I'm a new father to my newborn. She's 2 weeks old. Perfect timing for this video

[@meatballsander]

Congrats on the baby!

[@ladyjaz6817]

Congratulations 🥳 time flies with them take it all in

[@generic_tough_guy.4830]

She'll make a great paycheck.

[@Chris-sandlin]

@@generic_tough_guy.4830 Lmfao.

[@laughablefebruary14th]

sell her, according to father rift you’ll make mad bank

[@mrfrivolusfr8482]

I forgot the premise of the video until you got the the zoophilia and it completely blindsided me. Very funny and relaxing as usual.

[@Louinmaarse]

The « fornication » got me laughing so hard

[@evilcruel1112]

the father we wanted but never had

[@BJSSJ5]

I had a father

[@Millerofmac-rip]

didnt need to get personal

[@Donut-pi2ti]

@BJSSJ5 *had* a father

[@samgeorge1452]

It started with fairly okay advice so I kinda tuned out and then the zoophilia came and I nearly choked.

[@egalitarian-rex]

@Sam George, Same here! When he stipulated “with consent” I was slayed.

[@VirginHolyFire]

One father’s worst is another kids best …this is the best advice a foster kid like me has ever gotten from a dad‼️😊

[@ciprianpopa1503]

What about the other dads?

[@amided3816]

Oh no

[@GregLemons]

It’s so sad that Satan doesn’t care about his 9876th born… 😢 my heart goes out to you

[@quantumblur_3145]

​@@GregLemonspardon?

[@GregLemons]

@@quantumblur_3145 He used to have like satans child as his username and PFP I think, something along those lines but he changed it

[@pixlepizza3790]

The fact this video had some actualy good advice truly suprised me, the title undersold this video

[@balboatarandino]

This a video for BASED people

[@Mystery-ASMR]

Reminders for everyone 🤍 - stay hydrated - get enough sleep - be thankfull for everything - say I love you to your family - talk with your friends - do your homeworks - take a shower - and smile! :)

[@graysonofthewood3747]

Also don't forget to fornicate as much as possible (even with animals) and sell your children for profit. /s

[@thefelon8027]

You forgot one - commit genocide

[@TheWorhik]

If this were a real father i think you'd be happy he would get some milk

[@balboatarandino]

This world is so messed up that his advices are often based and unironically wise lmao

[@benzinc582]

Honestly at least he seems like a fun dad

[@PomadaGaming]

@@balboatarandino the ones in this video? No the rest go without saying

[@drageus9059]

Plot twist: we are looking at a robot programmed to play the role “father”. If you need advice, place a coin in his left thumb and he will start up, and after performing his monologue, he powers down to save up power through the day

[@bliss3599]

Lowkey wanna see a video of good fatherly advice now Edit: sorry to my 201st like, I stole 200th. Suck it lmao

[@cchasedownn]

Same

[@darkstar4315]

Me too

[@Taireyn]

I wanna see even worse advice

[@samuraienggine]

since his greatest worst asmr video ever i'm always thinking at the beginning of a new video "let's put on a fake smile to pretend we actually enjoying this shit" 😂 i will never forget that, i love it~ 🤘

[@personisme3556]

Thanks! This really helped me in many ways of life, which allowed me to eventually allowed me to travel through time and space indefinitely, so thank you very much!

[@cameronebeling3071]

9:09 Rift just casually looking down at what drugs he has with him to lift them off

[@KrakenMusti1]

あなたは私が知っている中で最も奇妙で、最もランダムで自然な人です。リフトありがとう！

[@brandonhoskins1394]

the fact that he doesn't force you but really convinces you into doing these things

[@brandonhoskins1394]

is awsome

[@dudeness53]

I never really met my birth father other then a couple talks on the phone and him in and out of my life when I was very young. You seem like you’d make a fun dad being that you are so educated and interesting. I have a step dad now and he is a great father figure for me being that I’m in my early 20’s and have many different issues. He doesn’t have first hand experience with a lot of it but he’s there and that’s all I want, it’s crazy how knowing that somebody really caring about you and loving you makes a difference. All the best uncle E

[@averagejoe8358]

Lol

[@Strato-s]

I'm glad you have a good father figure despite the circumstances

[@RichardDavidHodges]

we now need a shirt that says “the future is a scam” PLEASE

[@tigrex3622]

Now i can proudly say that ive met someone who gives worse advice than my uncle,and thats a LOT to say about a guy who recommended me to drop school and become a vtuber lol

[@Ben.N]

Tf your uncle a weeb?

[@janitorjerryreignkyan5101]

I mean ... If it works, it works

[@hughjanos3992]

based uncle

[@cooldude-mi9wz]

Unbased uncle

[@adderon]

Uncle Remus

[@lydialuvs]

ER: "you can have formication with however many people you'd like!" Me: "oh this advice isnt bad!" ER: "including animals" Me: "O" 🤣🤣

[@grayghost5636]

“Whether it be coffee, nutmeg, heroin…” That escalated quickly.

[@matthewloveridge9286]

“spend that shit bruh” 💀🤣

[@randylahey4019]

Things I never thought I’d hear ER say for $1000 please😂

[@Pyxis10]

I just got to that line when I read this. 😆

[@shigeo6525]

I will live by these advices until my dad returns with the milk

[@user-in4nr4cd5v]

do they comeback from the sky? btw,mine died😶

[@shigeo6525]

@@justanotherrandomaccount5920 i don't want no expired milk

[@startaster806]

I have covid and haven’t been able to see my dad for the past few weeks because of it so this is so nice even if it’s silly and unpractical advice :)

[@AWeirdLisa]

Aw, this is sweet. Hope you get well soon!!

[@viragogemini7403]

You are not boring in any way but you still manage to make us sleep. Now that's what I call skill!

[@justasnail2878]

I’m about to be a dad soon and I will be using all of this advice. Thank you Uncle E. well now great Uncle E.

[@fitchyyboi]

Good man. Congrats

[@RvsM69420]

Lmao old (jk congrats)

[@thecrow9362]

This video was so helpful, I was having a psychotic episode tonight and your voice is good and familiar and helped me calm down, thank you for all the videos Uncle E

[@veronicatorres87376]

Shit Germany hope shit gets better for you

[@firewarrior5828]

The best advice my Dad has ever given to me is how to not be like him.

[@Nikyukuro]

same

[@Strato-s]

I'm sorry to hear that man

[@RomasiaAsmr]

This is in my top three for favorite videos, ever. Literally so funny, this type of humor is straight gold. The seriousness in the presentation of the topics is so real, seriously well done 😂👏🏼 “Just sell your kids… I made mad bank.” “Living on the streets, that’s pretty much your goal” “Send them back with a letter, some hate mail”

[@McGuire40695]

20:25 "Bills were made to not be paid." Bud, just give me my money. I need to go start a ponzi scheme

[@alexmartinez5859]

This was obviously recorded on Opposite Day in the universe that it was recorded in, meaning that everything he’s saying is actually truthful.

[@miku_maui]

This was so funny when you said "spend that shit bruh" had me dead

[@SlizaButt]

Why does this seem like something I’d dream of while sleeping in school, not just from bad advice, but from the random “modern lingo”

[@trevorphilips7348]

One can't stress enough how important the consent for fornication is. A guy tried to 'sting' a bee without her consent, but instead he ended up stung by bees in a threesome. Don't be that guy.

[@D.J.JoeyGstyleVidz]

We all know what type of father he is really portraying perfectly.

[@psyqhopathic]

why is nobody talking about how he straight up said "Oh yeah have sex with animals idc lol"

[@kenny995]

I was almost asleep until I heard "even with animals", my eyes shot open!

[@Cannsanity-]

"my motto is, if you want to do drugs, do drugs" Hell yeah, thanks dad!

[@marinab106]

Ok, I was having a crappy day and thought I'd relax...🤣now my stomach hurts. Gold. 🌹👍

[@tannerkim_]

This is such great advice for a young fellar like myself

[@whoevencaresbra-5990]

Ikr I started having unprotected sex with everyone I meet while high on every drug 😂

[@benzinc582]

@@whoevencaresbra-5990 don’t forget if you accidentally get someone pregnant just simply sell the baby and buy more drugs

[@anilkumaradithya6115]

@@benzinc582 lmao 😂😂

[@scrubthedub69]

Coming back to this video piece by piece to listen to all the fatherly advice and tingly ASMR before I fall asleep every time

[@robynlynch4992]

I would totally let you be my dad lol! I love your humour and quirkiness 🤣💖 Btw, when are you going to be doing dark souls, blood borne etc again? I love the way you give the characters personalities and backgrounds, old corvus in a wheelchair from old yarnham is one of my favourites 🤣

[@ferytggtr]

Probably the only ASMRtist with a funny comment section.

[@ishikawa7077]

Probably some of the advice I've ever received

[@aidan4324]

This video is quite honestly outrageously comedic and just funny. I don't know how you have the mental integrity to say what you did without just braking down into laughter.

[@nocturne.nocturnal]

28:18 how you managed to say that while keeping a straight face is beyond me, that was hilarious

[@the_manchovie1795]

I have a math exam tomorrow but Uncle E's advice on "fuck school" has eased my anxiety very muchly

[@kiki3788]

“r word is just as bad as the n word” 💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥

[@Jesty.r]

Aged like milk

[@emilerhard4189]

Since my father never talked about these things I'll take these advices by heart. And his reasoning is also very logical. Thanks for the video🙏

[@Nscorpion5248]

TFW we have people today who genuinely hold this worldview

[@moreorless8711]

This was very comforting to me since I’m unable to see my dad in a daily like I used to do this helped me when I was missing him even if some of the advices made me chuckle

[@thelemon0001]

I've been sleeping through school plenty already, and I've never worked a day in my life. And I'm doing just fine! In all seriousness, yes that's all true. Because contrary to what they tell you, how important it is to get a job is entirely based on where you live. There are places where you simply don't need to and still live better than 99.999% of the world, purely because of the random circumstance of where you were born.

[@rickyjiggens2180]

People who are doing bad don't know that they're doing bad having no responsibilities and no reason to seek goals makes you worthless nobody enjoys being worthless you have a very very poorly thought-out opinion

[@thelemon0001]

I'm quite aware that it's not that simple. I live entirely on disability benefits, which where I live is the equivalent of slightly above minimum wage. But by comparison to something like the UK, it's quite wealthy. Though I am physically feeble--entirely because of my own life choices--and often quite depressed, I know fully well that it has literally nothing to do with genetics or abuse, but because of the fact that I simply have it too easy. In other words, my own conceited perspective on life is strained through the incredibly narrow view of someone who has never struggled in his life, and I am fully aware I have absolutely no right to proclaim what is or isn't easy about anything.

[@elizabethjohnson8662]

@@thelemon0001 I wonder if you're in therapy? I'm glad you're getting by, and I don't think you're worthless just because you're not contributing to society in traditional ways; there are lots of ways to be valuable to the people around you. Still, you don't sound happy with your life or yourself; I hope you're working on that.

[@rickyjiggens2180]

@@elizabethjohnson8662 wow you are a joke I didn't say anything about contributing to society people with brains like yours see a word you don't like such as worthless and your ability to understand information drops by about 75% it's genuinely pathetic like watching a rabbit get caught in a snare and then freaked out and jump all over the place

[@thelemon0001]

I tried it once, but unfortunately when you're on benefits you don't choose your therapist, you get it assigned to you by the state. Meaning he is a state employee, underpaid and indifferent. I wasn't going sit on a couch for 30 minutes a week listening to a guy quoting the therapist's manual at me and then not remember my name the next time. Sure I could just try a private therapist, but they charge you an arm and a leg. Ultimately I got over the majority of my mental issues after some years, by realizing that there is no real misery but my perception of it. I have enough money to eat well, I'm left well alone and I don't have to waste years of my life on the horrendous school system which up here is one of the worst in europe. I only lacked a reason to get up in the morning, and I got that now. So I'm fine really.

[@janitorjerryreignkyan5101]

3:06 Damn, I didn't know ER cursed. I like him even more now

[@benzinc582]

He cursed a lot on his podcast but he deleted those videos. Hopefully they return soon.

[@Brandon-tz5pn]

Perfect timing. I have a son that's gonna be born next month. Im taking notes.

[@grantelliott4283]

Congrats!

[@Brandon-tz5pn]

@@grantelliott4283 ty

[@masterbates342]

Congratulations

[@amided3816]

"If it ain't your first and you need some cash. Don't hesitate to throw that kid in the trash" or you can just sell the kid to make mad bank.

[@aforasmr807]

As someone with no father present during my childhood - this is the video i’ve been needing.

[@KamiakHD]

I was expecting ER to gift us the knowledge of nothing but an acquired gift is a good gift too

[@JoeMcShmoeTV]

16:05 @Ephemeral Rift is the funniest ASMR KZbinr I could think of.

[@jonaspen]

This feels like a bad Ron Swanson advice session, but it's good in it's own way

[@Sapphosroommate]

When there’s a niche video idea I know Mr.Rift will pull through

[@that_forest_fae]

I thought this was gonna be like "how to tie a tie" level of advice but damn

[@N0tCreat1ve34]

When he said “F*ck school” I FELT THAT 😂😔

[@Byzie2good]

can we get a best advice video?

[@SevenEllen]

That could be as sweet as it would be soothing, knowing Rift. ^_^

[@fire_starter3257]

My favorite line is "The future is a scam." Damn right it is.

[@luvuyojuta9721]

Did ER just advise me for straight one hour then at the ebd said I shouldn't take non of it. This man is genius 🤝😆

[@TrapperT]

Never new that Human trafficking was in fatherly advice but I'll roll with it

[@drakecarter1780]

Excellent examples of sarcasm and satire.

[@TheGamerfjortis]

KZbin autoplay started and I didnt check the video title, was quite surprised with what he was saying..

[@tothedark5384]

I hate how there are some people who would argue that this advice is actually good.

[@Se--Se]

Him talking about video games: "...even if it interrupts your sleep." Me watching this at 3 am: ah yes, indeed

[@SandwichLord42]

the politician line got me, ur shit is great man

[@bramblepaw59]

Any time I miss my dad I watch this video. I could just text him but this advice is probably better

[@ThisSplookii]

Alternate Title: Your dad tries to explain life without sounding stupid ASMR

[@maxzilla5354]

"spend that shit bruh" fucking blew me away holy shit

[@mclmrtn]

LMAO, as a father, I can't wait to listen to this later before bed.

[@kiryukazuma8089]

I listen to this every night on repeat in order to better mold myself into the peak father using this great advice!

[@dedowo4036]

Thanks for the advice! I'm already rich from selling all 14 of my kids. I also sold my wife!

[@dreamofyouandi]

Could you do an equivalent video to this where you give completely serious fatherly advice?

[@TheDamino]

Another ironically bad video that will undoubtedly become unironically a classic on this channel. This is the way

[@synyster_gaitas]

In the beggining I didn't see the "Worst" part in the title and was starting to become a little alarmed (to say the least) with your fatherly advise xD Thank god I finally saw the title, but that shit was hilarious xD