You're Not Nice, You're Just Secretly Selfish

In this video, we learn the meaning of true kindness and niceness, selfishness, transactional mindsets, service mindsets, and overcoming feelings of not being appreciated, resentment, and misery.
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[@Rise876]

'The true test of character is what one does when no one is watching.' No thanks needed, no apprectiation, no payback. Being kind, in and of itself, feeds the soul❤

[@patriciamorgan2501]

I love that statement "being kind ...feeds the soul"

[@adelMN2]

it feeds nothing because the soul doesn't exist

[@Rise876]

@@adelMN2 I assume you're thinking of soul in the religious or spiritual sense. If you look at the dictionary definition of soul there are two meanings. One is "the spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal, regarded as immortal", and the other is "a person's moral or emotional nature or sense of identity".

[@mrnice7570]

An act of kindness, is it's own reward

[@Justineyedia]

Feeding the soul? Your doing it to feed your soul then. What if it takes a bite out of your soul? This is the point. "You get nothing, you lose, good day sir"🤣😉🙏

[@ARocketFromSpaceshipEarth]

I don’t think it is selfish to want a little reciprocation. Some will offer a simple thank you, some will reciprocate, and some will take advantage of you. Accept it, cut off those who take advantage, and focus on those who reciprocate.

[@goodtree6228]

Your right, here is the definition of selfish, so I don't think it falls into that: Selfish (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

[@ensuredvictory]

people wants a docile sheep. it is actually a fact that were all selfish. cynism.

[@realtalk4994]

I think you're half right. It's not necessarily selfish, but can be when the reciprocation is the reason for being kind in the first place.

[@PrettyRubbish]

Thank you. This is honestly a shit take.

[@PrettyRubbish]

​@@realtalk4994 it's a nuanced issue. Doing small good deeds for random others on a regular basis, no reciprocity is expected. But if you're regularly doing things for a friend, family member or lover and they don't do anything in return for you? It's obvious they are using you and you shouldnt let people do that. People need a healthy mix of selfishness and altruism. The ability to set healthy boundaries for yourself is essential.

[@joelhenry5489]

There's another aspect to this. Neurotic giving is a sign of low self-esteem. You give because you don't think people will value you otherwise. The irony is that people like this tend to attract "takers" who would not appreciate them otherwise, leading to a self-reinforcing cycle. Apart from changing to a service mindset, Lawrence also needs to work on himself to build self-esteem, establish boundaries, and find ways of developing a self image that is not so heavily dependent on the approval of others.

[@RegularOlSammy]

Agreed. This is very important too, and to label it as an 'aspect' of this phenomenon is probably correct as well. Personally, I do struggle with this side of things, and it has caused no end of personal grief, as well as some poor life choices. Thank you for writing this so succinctly, and I wish you well.

[@wraith501]

This is 100x better content than this video which spent 5 minutes on message that couldn’t go deep with it.

[@etherean369]

Great point!

[@thebelissima64]

I agree with you 100%. I had a narcissist monster of a mother and my low self-esteem was such that I was overly generous to a lot of people, which made me realize I was looking for validation. Indeed, it opened the door to opportunists and takers, including members of my own family. I had people cutting contact with me as soon as I stopped giving them gifts. The penny dropped and I decided to stop this behaviour for good. I feel so much better!

[@DawnshieId]

This is problematic because it makes Lawrence look like everything is his fault, and that no one else is doing anything wrong.

[@lovelight6973]

I think I've experienced some of this stuff before when I was younger. I just realized it was more my problem than anyone's. It also teaches you to really choose whether you want to do something or not. It also teaches you to say no. If you don't want to do something, then don't do it. Don't allow people or society force you into things.

[@who_we_are______5926]

Yea this is true. Growing up I remember getting so mad at myself when other people said things like "why are you so quiet" it made me so self conscious but also so bitter toward people. I have learned to accept that not everyone deserves my full presence so its best to stay quiet and reserved. I also realized that it isn't a weakness, it baffles me how there are some who fill the silence with such meaningless remarks just to avoid feeling the discomfort.

[@bryanutility9609]

I had a friend that always automatically agreed and would then weasel out at the last minute. I would have been fine, preferred he just be honest but he was too weak and always lied to be nice. I stopped being his friend.

[@kawrno5396]

Kindness is being nice without expecting anything in return.

[@MCADHD-rf5kl]

In short, a trait of suckers. We are all selfish to a lesser or a higher level. Deep down inside we are all awaiting to get something (literally anything) in return.

[@MiketheNerdRanger]

A wonderful trait that often gets exploited.

[@bryanutility9609]

@@MCADHD-rf5kl the highest action is its own reward.

[@GizmoMaltese]

That's the problem with this video. It creates this guy "Lawrence" who feels unappreciated but it doesn't create a realistic depiction of why he would feel unappreciated. A real scenario is Lawrence helps his friend move. Then when Lawrence needs help moving his friend can't be bothered. It's not about having a transactional mindset. It's about caring for people and believing they care about you too. If you're always giving to people who never give back then you're being used. Again, if you're doing charity work then you expect nothing in return. But if you give to people you care about that's an expression of your caring. So you would expect them to show they care about you too.

[@casuals.3.19]

If you are kind but you expect something you are setting yourself up for failure and that’ll drive you insane in a long enough time.

[@matttejada7381]

Dealing with other people is difficult because there's so much manipulation involved explicitly and implicitly.

[@Veilsau]

You seem like you've had a tough childhood... Were you too nice growing up and manipulated due to it?

[@kaninma7237]

Not helping someone who has helped you so much shows a high degree of ingratitude, and it Is bad for society. Kindness can be sincere and non-transactional and still lead to disappointment when you really need help and those you gave so freely to refuse to offer any.

[@JohnWick-bb9co]

It's my Birthday today.I was feeling resentful,sad and truly miserable.I felt like all the good things i do go underappreciated.I somehow subconsciously quantified the reciprocation i expected for each action.This video was made for me.A gift from god maybe?Thank you freedom of thought!

[@modernphil1049]

Thank you. I needed to see this video. Years earlier I used to detest people who helped expecting a return. Felt it was a wrong idea basically. But over the years people and even some psychological studies started to suggest that humans are inherently selfish and there was nothing wrong with a transactional help. But there needs to be rules in a transactional help. When i usually help people(i do it only when it doesn't cost me heavily), i do it without expecting anything and the receiver doesn't resent me if i dont help. But when the receiver expects you to help, it becomes transactional and he is bound to help you out in return. Transactional help is not a bad thing in itself but recently my close friend was helping me without me expecting anything of him. He kept on insinuating that i needed to help him out. I was guilty for a long time when i did not help him( thinking about it now, in transactional terms, he gave me peanuts and expected a yatch from me). I found that toxic. It was like transactional help was forced upon me without me asking for it. We are not on speaking terms anymore and i feel like a huge burden of guilt has been lifted from my shoulders.

[@xovibez9264]

Wow man, I’ve been doing this for months and struggling about not getting anything back from anyone. I felt so betrayed an hurt an almost gave up on friends and family. I’m so glad I seen this

[@oriantalist]

Novice: Do good with expectation of returns Intermediate: Do good with expectation of no returns Expert: Do good despite expectation of negative returns Wherever you fall on this spectrum, just find an excuse to do some good and brighten someone's day. 😊

[@wolfpytlak2786]

And always, do them only because it what your values encourage, but only try to do what you are able. After all, we are human, we should strive to be excelent people, with limitations and all.

[@oriantalist]

@@insiderperson18279 Here the returns represent the net cost incurred to the Good Samaritan (emotional, physical, financial, etc.) personally. Not a negative impact on society as such.

[@oriantalist]

@@insiderperson18279 I wouldn't categorize giving money to sex offenders as doing good 😂

[@rajkamallashkari]

I was an expert, regretting getting all the negative returns, for a year now. Not a good thing for mental health. Might make someone turn to the dark side.

[@oriantalist]

@@rajkamallashkari yup, that's a legit caveat of going 'expert'

[@ReynaSingh]

Society demands that we remain unconscious of our shadows, but in reality we need to face our demons. “How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole.” -Carl Jung

[@patriciamorgan2501]

❤ I want to learn more about Carl Jung's notion of Shadow. Any suggestions?

[@aa3ali4]

​​@@patriciamorgan2501wo of his great works : Man and his symbols + Four Archetypes . Have a great reading my great friend ❤

[@dreamelatte]

That's beautiful

[@MaryDunford]

It's true. If we don't acknowledge the parts we'd rather hide they can overtake the parts we're happy with. They shadow doesn't just go away if we pretend it doesn't exist. Lol

[@neptunianvibes]

Why must you have a shadow to be whole?

[@cafecafeliebe]

This is the articulation I need for my feeling. Just trying to be genuine, be myself. Thank you!

[@clusterstage]

I've always asked myself this: if thank you isn't enough, then what am I really after? This is my personal test to see if I'm doing altruism for the right reasons.

[@neptunianvibes]

If you’re even seeking acceptance or appreciation, you’re not altruistic. Even if it was as pure as seeking the joy of helping others, still not altruism. Without those benefits, would you still do it?

[@GizmoMaltese]

Altruism is detached. When I give food to a homeless I guy I don't expect anything in return. When I donate to charity or a gofund me I'm not expecting anything in return. But if you have a friend or a partner you are not detached from them. You're in a relationship not an altruistic charity. You care about them and you expect that they care about you. And their caring about you has to manifest itself in actions. Otherwise, you don't have a relationship.

[@SearchOfSelf]

I think this video is spot on. We should do nice things for others because it's the right thing to do, not because we want something in return. That's true kindness 🙏

[@neptunianvibes]

What happens when you don’t care about doing the right thing? What if that does nothing for you?

[@SearchOfSelf]

@@neptunianvibes Doing the proper thing may reward you in ways you don't realize yet. It will make you happy with who you are and help strengthen your relationships with others. And if someone is really against this idea, that's his choice. I think that people should not be judged for this, everyone has their own values and beliefs.

[@iannespatrus6956]

Personally, I find that the most important trait in life is balance. I do not agree with an irrestrictive view of doing good without expecting reciprocation. We also have to draw the line on what are acceptable expectations of a given person: one thing is to want them to do something for you, another thing is expecting they dont f*ck you over. If you are kind on a regular basis to someone and they betray you, IMO it is ok to feel angry. If you adopt this pattern of being good regardless of reciprocation, you could suffer when you find someone who wants to take advantage. The person will learn that they can do whatever and dont need to reciprocate. Everyone will be worse off.

[@KrisannaMarie]

Absolutely. If we keep giving freely with no expectation of a return we turn into a doormat and end up empty.

[@linaelui]

Facts honestly if i do something nice for someone and they can‘t even thank me i will probably not do it again. Doesn‘t have to do with reward but simply with respect.

[@GizmoMaltese]

I would go further and say if you don't expect something from a person then that person is not your friend. A friend is by definition someone you expect things from. You expect that they will try to help you if you need it. And they expect that you will try to help them. You expect that they will pick up the phone when you call them. Not every time but there is the expectation that they care about you. Expecting nothing is a kind of detachment.

[@tttesting]

As many things when it comes to personal growth, "selfish-ness" is often much more nuanced than people make it out to be. I think we often oversimplify people's actions as it's easier to understand and follow if it's black and white. You can do good by others, helping them in their needs and asks, because their thanks and appreciation brings a little more meaning to your day to day life. You can do your best within your capabilities to treat the people around you with kindness in hopes that one day you will be able to build a network of people who will support you in your time of need. I believe that you can do genuine good for another and find happiness in another's success while simultaneously finding ways to benefit yourself (e.g., meaning in your own life, building a stronger relationship with another, gaining experience in a task, etc). "Kindness" does not HAVE to be without even the smallest ounce of selfishness. I do agree that you should not "expect" a favor when you help someone. But simultaneously, it is important to note that you should not tolerate people that take advantage of your kindness - I don't see anything wrong with hoping for some reciprocation, however small, when you do some good and that it is okay to feel dissapointment with people in your life that only respond with ire or jealousy.

[@Dom-I-NATE]

You’re right and people that are not doing it with any expect for a reward that’s not true. The reward is actually them feeling good about doing it for others and that comes automatically so that means that doing things for others is actually selfish because it makes them feel good and that’s why they do it, but when it starts to make them feel bad/to make others feel bad too then they should do something else that is actually rewarding to everyone which is selfish and good. I love doing things for others and subconsciously. It makes me feel good and that’s why I do it.

[@JussBCoo]

Thank you for this video, I literally just seen my life and now know how to make a change with my mindset! Love the videos thanks again

[@taraldomland8657]

This is probably the best video I have ever seen. Or at least touched me the most. Since loosing my best friend I have wondered if I am a bad person or if she is. We all are selfish in different ways, and for me it will be hard to achieve selfishness. But truly, very good video. Makes me believe in some humans again

[@PaulTavaresEmpowerment]

Expecting something back in return is going to lead to resentment. A true act of kindness is where the giver expects nothing back in return..... if you do something from a space of love without expectation; the reward will come....when you least expect it...unfortunately now that I have said this...many will read and expect the reward to come....and of course...it will not!! Acts of kindness also give us a sense of living a fulfilled life at the end of it.

[@alexlovehall7796]

This is so real, I used to do this subconsciously and consciously because I never wanted to be mean, didn’t know boundaries, and thought that being nice was the only way to have friends and girlfriends As I’ve gotten older, started healing, learning about myself, and improving who I am, I’ve found that understanding who you are and what you wanna do and be known for is key

[@nigelkneale6809]

@@PettyMehdee totally agree. I think the choice of "service mindset" in the video, appears to infer that you should do nice things to everyone, all the time and don't ever expect anything back i.e. just let yourself be stepped on serf!!

[@TheYakkis]

@@PettyMehdee Somebody has been watching Jordan Peterson videos ;)

[@PettyMehdee]

@@TheYakkis hahaha his ideas and views have been resonating in me since 2018 :)

[@patriciamorgan2501]

​@@PettyMehdee are you by chance conflating being "nice" and being "subservient". Don't we have a choice always..to be nice or not ..and if we dont want to be nice we can/will have to face the consequences. Maybe the topic now is...do we have the courage to be un-nice when the situation calls for it.

[@patriciamorgan2501]

Sounds like you are innately kind. Some people aren't. Stay the way you are. Your intuitive nature will lead the way as you grow and it will guide you to be alert to individuals you are worthy of your sweet nature

[@gluteusmaximus5094]

with a service mindset the giving itself is reward enough.

[@synxcriptz]

I do nice things without inconveniencing myself. Hence, when no reward is given, I do not feel any form of resentment. Some people do nice things at the expense of their own welfare. Which is why they feel like they lost something when they do not receive any form of reward.

[@jindinging]

some people are like that. they sometimes stop doing their own thing to help others. I was like that, but I didn't expect anything in return necessarily, but there were times when I needed a helping hand and they made an excuse or even not being interested in what you say when you are not useful for them in the moment. but I confess that I had low self-esteem and unconsciously I did those things to force a friendship with certain people, so it was my fault. when you force things it NEVER works because when the relationship is genuine and organic, you will not be people pleaser (if you do, isnt true relationship), you do good things because you like them and they like you too. Lawrence is forcing things to be accepted and appreciated, maybe he doesnt feel connect with the group, so he thought that he will do all those things to make the group like him (or appreciate him).

[@trappart9209]

I thought I was a nice guy but in fact I was substituting true compassion with doing pleasant things to get something in return

[@Yusa_Beach]

It's not wrong to desire recognition, appreciation, or reciprocation. However if the expectation was in fact to do this for someone inorder to get something from them rather than doing it for their sake, then yeah you aren't being nice.

[@trappart9209]

@@Yusa_Beach it was hard for me to differentiate it, I was feeling neglected and not good enough as I am

[@ray-raypacheco276]

I'm so glad you could articulate this so well! I've tried to explain this very concept to people and fallen short! Thank you so much!

[@TheKhfan001]

This makes me conflicted and sad because reciprocal kindness should be the norm, especially from a family member or friends. I like doing nice things for people because it's the right thing to do... but every once in a while I do get the inkling "would this person do the same for me?" "Am I being taken advantage of for my kindness?"

[@mytruthbekind5793]

Respectfully, you don’t have to do nice things if you don’t want to because by doing them you are now placing a burden on them to essentially pay you back. It can create anxiety and stress in them and you wouldn’t know. Only do what makes you feel good without obligating them.

[@sethbieber5127]

Unless other people are feeling entitled to your above and beyond attitude. Then if he's feeling resentful, he should set boundaries about what he can and can not do.

[@genesessilva3429]

I am not "nice". And i have no shame to say. If there's one thing i learnt the hard way on life, is that you have no need to be nice. You simply do whatever you need to be "nice" to yourself and to those who do the same for you. Everyone else just stays on our lives because we offer something. Even family, in most cases. Experiment rejecting to do favors and you'll see. Every relationship, except mother and child (with a really loving mother) is based of interest. To accept that is just maturity.

[@daplayer1098]

Recently, what I am doing to pass on those feelings is perceive my good actions for other as an opportunity to reward myself somehow, the opportunity to serve others and in the process, the reward of feeling I'm closer to my best self. In the end, I'm doing it all for me

[@headphones2308]

As someone with apathy, I don’t care much about my life. I have no goals, no dreams, no drive, yet I understand that others do. Due to this I just do good to others since their lives have more substance and meaning than mine. I have no qualms sacrificing my life to save a stranger’s as they most likely have hopes and dreams for the future, while I do not. Thus their life is more worth saving than mine. Now I don’t see myself as a saint, far from it. There’s a difference between a child giving away their favorite toy, and a child giving away a toy they don’t care about. As I see my life as less meaningful and have less value than another’s, then I’m not making a heroic sacrifice, but merely taking a logical and pragmatic solution. I’m just flipping the switch on the trolley problem, to save the more valuable life, I just happened to be the guy on the tracks I switched the trolley’s course to. Thanks for reading my wall of text, here have a cookie 🍪

[@joannec2266]

When you don't look forward to a reward, you're releasing expectation. Let go of all expectation, do only when you feel like doing it, this way, you'll never feel under appreciated ever again.

[@jasoncarto]

Well, the hardest things for me never learns to stop doing things for other people, and do more things for myself.

[@uyenang1523]

This channel is truly valuable for anyone who wants freedom in thought

[@kumokingtv]

Great video. I've never really questioned my own sense of selfishness until I came upon this. It really helped put things in perspective as to why I do some of the things I do in life. Maybe more importantly, what I do them for as well.

[@RonTon89]

The beginning of this video hit home. I do SO MUCH for others, and no one ever reciprocates! It makes me miserable, and I actually just broke up with a girl last month bc of it. I dont expect a return for everything nice I do, but maybe my expectations line up with the 5:1 relationship rule. My giving starts out in a service mindset, but after multiple instances, it switches to transactional. In this particular example, I kept giving for months, and she never reciprocated anything of substance...like what was stopping her!? She was just a "taker" and I wish I didn't ignore the red flags that kept popping up.

[@etherean369]

I think if you still struggle to do this because of pessimism, trauma etc but want to get out of that cycle, just don't do nice things for some time; do them when the action is already a reward or do them with selfish pleasure/personal responsibility attached. For example in the last one, start a foundation for better education funding because you suffered from it. You're doing it because you KNOW the pain and want to change the narrative, are now abundant and the action itself is a reward. You will also avoid burn out or the risk of blindly doing good things that could be a symptom of low self esteem. It's better than giving charity to people just cause it's nice but you really don't care. And when you help others from a mindset of responsibility you always help because you know you're powerful enough to do so and the world is more balanced that way. It's truly selfless and done without expectations nor attachmemt to your own frelings. Of course that will also control how far you go because you'll only do what is within your means. Thank you so much for this video!!!!!!

[@hikagu2000]

I am the guys mentioned in this video. I am always nice to everyone. But in my mind, I always want that what I give must be equal to what I get. Someone start to become my close friend. But after that, if I realize they don't treat me nicely like I treated them. I start to feel unappreciated and cut off the relationship with them. I lost a friend! I know this is bad and I shouldn't do this. But the feeling keeps controlling me and make me do some insane actions 😟

[@Yusa_Beach]

That isn't a bad thing, you can't keep giving to someone who isn't even going to think about what you want/need.

[@Sk8x4x3v3r]

I also think some people are nice out of fear. To avoid confrontation

[@wjbt3]

*"I AM NOT NICE"*

[@warrenbradford2597]

So to be more kind, I have to transform my transactional mindset to a service mindset. I still need to be more selfish in life so I can focus more on my needs and wants. However, I need the service mindset to do good while expecting nothing in return. Either way, I will do whatever it takes to be a more joyful person. That is the most important thing for me to do.

[@tylerdeerey]

What a cool synchronicity, I read one verse from the Tao Te Ching this morning. Verse 8 which had to do with goodness. Let us instead be be satisfied with the good work we do, knowing that if we only ever "do right" just to receive a reward, then the "right-thing" done becomes selfish. Supreme goodness resembles water. It nourishes all things and gives without competition.

[@devanshnagar2973]

I m not even Secretly Selfish!!🤦🏻 That's why i worries too much for this work without anything happening i can even sacrifice my All happiness,desires, everything for people's Smile.....& I think i have any mental disease😓😞

[@thornadotrigger3073]

When it comes to morality Selfish people can succeed . Some think Selfishness is so bad to live life . God loves selfish people but the nature is absurd .

[@swiftsea6225]

I understand what this video is trying to say, but I slightly disagree. Of course someone should always give for the sake of helping someone feel better and good. But if you always give and everyone is ungrateful, it’s normal to feel sad or angry. I think this video has to take into account that everyone is human with emotions and flaws too.

[@LentilSoupGirl]

Used to be heavily fearful + anxiously attached and so i always focused on how no one gave me love and attention while i hyperfocused on anyone that'd listen to my badly regulated vents. I am active working on it now but it's really hard. I find myself waiting for people to text me, constantly checking and finding myself desperate to be in relationships with people so I'd feel validated and someone to "lean on" even tho someone just did the same to me and it was narcissistic nightmare. Oh god.

[@rinrincor5809]

Sometimes it gives you happiness and peace of mind when you give and its like fulfilling or done your duty as a human, or serve your purpose why you are created or been born… but on the other hand check first what really going to help them or else you are giving it wrong.

[@victorashul]

the idea is that if you want something in return, state it before the action

[@kaitlintolbert8038]

I sorta still have a transactional mindset admittedly, but only in the sense that I trust that Karma is viewing me positively sorta thing lol. And I really like the idea that the person im kind to will run off and do something nice for someone else. I like the idea that I might have a butterfly effect. Chaotic good I suppose lol. BUT if I hold the door for you and you don’t say thank you 😒 I didn’t do it cuz I owed it to you. I did it cuz I wanted to. Show me you recognize that. If that’s in a thank you, cool, if that’s with a smile or a nod, yay!! But nothing? That’s not very cash money of you lol

[@who_we_are______5926]

Karma is a fairytale

[@kaitlintolbert8038]

@@who_we_are______5926 oooooooh I like fairy tales. We all write our own stories. Karma is final editor

[@abby999]

i like where ur head's at & at the same time. i see something in ur logic that feels real and true and yet equally childlike and less mature than u could be. so to me it sounds like ur saying "i like being kind for its own sake. HOWEVER, if im being nice and going above and beyond to show grace and kindness to you, but you don't even say thank you? you don't even NOTICE??? show me you recognize how good i'm being!!" i heart you and i feel you, my parents never gave me the recognition i craved, so i find myself being frustrated in the same way. but we are not children anymore (at least, i'm not!😄) i too trust that the universe/life/karma views me well. but when i find myself feeling disappointed that others won't validate my pure intentions, or are otherwise unable to see them, that's my clear sign that i'm too invested in other's perceptions of me. that sense of pride in myself for being a good girl is not only my ego, it's also a whole complex that can be traced back to my childhood. like the expectations placed on me and stuff.

[@kaitlintolbert8038]

@@abby999 I definitely needed to hear this! Im on my journey of mending everything my parents got wrong lol. And yes! Im indulging my inner child at this stage in my life and embracing the process of learning that I am good, and me knowing that is good enough. I really love your response and the insight it can give me from someone who gets it and has learned from it too! Im gonna keep going and one day my first thought will be, “I hope they feel a little better later” and less “tehe I’m a good noodle” I’ll keep holding the door, and work instead on my response. Cuz that’s what I control. Thanks! ♥️

[@Davonroc]

@@kaitlintolbert8038 hey , i love this response to that person. Life is complex and we can only control what we can control to speak short. From what I’ve understood from my experience. God bless :)

[@calebroberts2179]

title already exposed me let’s see this video

[@rain9463]

Nah cause same I never felt I was nice but ppl keep saying that I am what they don’t know is that life is all about benefits

[@calebroberts2179]

@@rain9463 well it’s not even feeling as if you are nice it’s really just trying to fit into whatever mold other peoples opinions cast for you. atleadt for me i just had to realize i’m not nice all the time

[@rain9463]

@@calebroberts2179 that was well formulated you are so right its the same for me

[@PettyMehdee]

Could it be, OP lets out an evil laugh before bed every night knowing we think he is making self-help videos for us, but in reality, he is just roasting us in length xD

[@areejimranahmed7042]

This used to happen to me a lot. I had always had a transactional mindset, but then as I grew older, I started to realize how harsh the people are with others. I realized that humanity is dying and the deeds of kindness are nowhere to be found. I was enraged due to this. I started to hate people and decided to become someone who would bring back humanity. At this point I had already started to hate people, so the idea of expecting something or anything from them had already vanished away.

[@enigma6463]

If it's to do something for a random person then yea service mindset. Otherwise if it's friends or someone you know, it's better to limit to what you do for other. If other doesn't reciprocate often then it's best to keep yourself away from them. You need to be little selfish to be at peace.

[@yorkiedanMC]

I really want to be like this as a person. Really wonderful video !

[@aexmic]

“We all have the capacity to do selfish things for selfless reasons and selfless things for selfish reason.

[@reinaldomartinez13]

I feel like this is the true definition of "Nice". I know in the english language that "Kind" and "Nice" are synonymous. The issue however kindness is operating from selflessness. This is the true goal whereas niceness is superficial. You operate with the selfish mindset when we are nice and often become a doormat to others which results in more resentment. This can be seen with "Nice Guys", theyre nice to women with the expectation for something in return whether it be sex, relationships, etc. We have to be kind, fuck being nice.

[@YourThoughts.]

Thank you for this, I appreciate your selflessness and kindness in making these videos.

[@ShiNijuuAKL]

even when your good deeds are not transactional you are still being "selfish", you are doing those action because it makes you feel good in some way

[@supervelous]

reminds me of the youtubers who give away food, money, etc but on camera for their videos, thinking it makes them selfless - when the very act of them recording it makes it closer to selfish…

[@ninakore]

This is dumb. Do you think the same of the videos of ppl taking care of animals?

[@fanban2926]

@@ninakore of course

[@PettyMehdee]

That's actually a good comparison with the content of the video. I used to struggle with this dilemma but I believe the answer is there is a net positive result. So, it doesn't really matter if the KZbinrs doing the acts of good are selfless or selfish. Them doing acts of good should be received positively, on or off the camera. Who knows, maybe they do it off camera too.

[@Malicidal]

@@ninakore Yes. Especially when you see those videos of people selflessly removing shells from sea turtles and then only later on do you learn the ugly truth. Those same people actually glued those shells on those turtles and then filmed themselves removing them. Actually torturing those sea turtles. Multiple millions of views. Likes and comments praising them for their actions. KZbinrs filming themselves helping homeless people is no different. They are exploiting the people they are helping. They don't do it out of kindness, they do it for the rewards (views, likes, comments, and of course money). Exactly the message of this video.

[@anonphil]

Nice bait

[@jasminschmalzl847]

This doesn't work forerver tho. You need also people who not only take love from you but give it back as well. A saying goes: "happines is the only thing that multiplies if you split it". It's true that you make other people happy and yourself too. But for this to go on it is necessary that the one gives it, receives it to. And this means truly multiply. Love and generosity live from imitation. If only one person gives and gives and gives and gives it's just unfair. And unhealthy too. Especially if the people where you gave your time and effort also may be give out love, but give it to others they consider it "more worthy", especially because of artificial reason like looks, charisma, or because some people are more fun or interesting. People of who the think they get more output for their input. And thats also a transaction and thats also selfish. If not even more. Cause everyone deserves and needs love from the people in his environment and its not fair that others get more then they truly need and others get less or even noting at all. Also if people only work with the principe "I only give without reciving", the number of people who are generous and kind will ultimately increase. People will automatically get frustrated the more thime goes by and get more aphatetic and more selfish. People who have enough money and/or who have enough backup from loved ones can do that, because they have enough supplies (financial security and "soulfood") where they can take from to feed their own needs. But people who doesn't have and can not will soon or later wilter or become selfish. And thats just a fakt. Its not selfish to want love and support and encouragement and time from the people you love and who are important to you. Its just human. But it is selfish to exclude people from reciving those human necessarities.

[@yq2823]

There was a point in my life where I hated myself knowing I can willingly share and offer support to people especially to close ones. I even ask myself if I'm selfish enough expecting them at least asking me if I was okay when I got sick. Because I know deep in my heart I will do it for them. I know is not good to expect, but sometimes it hurts. It was even more painful when the time they got sick I can't stop myself to comfort them and I just brushed off what I felt before, like nothing happened. During those self-doubt I asked God why I was always like that, do I need to be like this all the time ? Do I need to change and have a bit of idgaf? He definitely answered me right away. In my mind, God said " Love is outpouring from you hence you need to share it to others. Don't worry about who will replenish and give you support, you know I will do that for you". From that moment I cried very hard.

[@rayiha172]

i needed this video thank you

[@jameshuckvale7685]

I know I’m selfish then I got 10 ducks , my favorite duck is the one I raised as a baby , the Alpha male ,he bites the shit out of me when I feed him mealworms. I do this because I love him and he fucks me up and I am so grateful. Because all my life I’ve thought like you speak of and I realized. I’m a selfish bastard. My duck Sunny taught me a valuable lesson on love .

[@diegovarela7203]

Thanks for the video!

[@Justineyedia]

Thus is probably the secret of manifestation of abundance. To give without expectation. We are not entitled to the fruit of our labor. We want with certainty that we will be rewarded. Just because we sow now doesn't mean we will reap now. Or at all. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

[@syzygy4365]

This is trash, we all know the glow from doing things for others is the real reward. People who are generous can start to feel worn out, and can start to feel like the people they've helped are ungrateful. This is more of a burn out than anything. The giver needs to set boundaries at that point. Not to be resentful, but to protect themselves from further burnout.

[@1snorelax]

Sometimes it's a dangerous mindset your unconsciously/consciously making other people feel obligated to help you the more you do for them so when the day comes that you need something they will do it no question asked big or small

[@dlloydy5356]

Nicely done agree with this completely

[@ardidsonriente2223]

What if the "reward" you seek is guiding people into certain specific behaviors they aren't interested in engage? What if the "reward" you seek is just peace by stopping conflict between people? What if the "reward" you seek is seeing other people happy? What if you already understand that "no good deed goes unpunished", but still feel miserable because of that knowledge?

[@abby999]

man...my screen says u posted this vid 5 hours ago and it has 555 likes. ain't no mistakes in this life.

[@zeromaru02]

I'm naturally kind Cause I've experienced not having anything in my childhood It's like I see my own self wanting it This change me and give me the ability to manage my desires

[@dogstick12]

don't be kind to only one person, be kind to all problems happen when we try to only be kind to only one person

[@DietChugg]

I think when both arrows point inward towards the mind that isn't transactional it is being a recipient. Transactional should be one arrow in and one arrow out. I'd also argue that transacional mindsets are actually a pretty healthy way to do things in many situations.

[@rjtmhy]

Thanks

[@milhouse8166]

I never had expectations but after a certain point it's like "come on". I don't do anything for anyone anymore and I've never been happier.

[@twilightincosmos]

yeah...if you dont want to do anything for others , thats okay.....but if we do something for others ,we can try keeping the service mindset to keep the unnecessary resentment at bay... :)

[@milhouse8166]

@@twilightincosmos Even after watching the video I'm not clear on what exactly a "service mindset" is.

[@Yusa_Beach]

​@@milhouse8166It means doing something for someone else's sake.

[@daejuanobrien1399]

This video was made exactly for me, i've started reflecting and this has helped.

[@who_we_are______5926]

More like this video was made and you just happen to find it.

[@daejuanobrien1399]

@@who_we_are______5926 I said exactly for me, not only for me, but it showed up in my suggested so it found me.

[@who_we_are______5926]

@@daejuanobrien1399 the algorithm showed it to you

[@manhattanvi]

No point in doing something nice if you expect something in return

[@cesarm3218]

Not if you're doing it out of a simple desire to help others, buuut there is definitely a point to it if it will help you achieve your goals. You know, good ol manipulation

[@christopherrannikko1372]

My immediate reaction is to rationalize the transactional mindset and that in turn makes me selfish.

[@Bbbuuusssttterrr]

Treat others as u would like to be treated - thats most religions in a nutshell. Because yes, everything is transactional. If a woman does anything for a man that treats her badly, she will be called an abused person. Because theres a simmetry expected in relationships. That solution u gave isnt a solution. To keep giving without expecting anything? Ok.. you be that person.. and ill take advantage of you. And ure gonna continue to feel bad, in the long term u even gonna develop low selfsteem and depression cause u know ure at the bottom of importance. U care about others thats why u do nice things for them, if nobody does anything nice for you, what does that mean? The problem is this kind of giver personality is usually also very indirect. And does not asks for what it wants. Thats what needs fixing, being vocal about ones wants, so u can gauge who is gonna be nice to you back and keep them in your life, or you can move on, before u build resentment

[@johanliebert1814]

Well tell me if I'm right or not, your comment is kinda negative. It's just tells me that you have hard time trusting people and making relationship with others, you don't get blend as easily as others do. You are implying on your comment that what if the other person is a dick, helping him will not do any good to you because he will never understand what you did to him. That's why he said that never expect anything from them and helping someone is your choice you aren't actually obliged to help them.

[@Bbbuuusssttterrr]

@@johanliebert1814 yea i have a hard time trusting people i guess. I make friends easily tho. Im saying opposites attract, and if ure a giver u probbably gonna have some takers in ur life, and its natural for u to resent that if u let that happen. So u shoudt let that happen. U should surround urself with people that wanna make u feel good, just as you wanna make them feel good. Thats not being selfish like the video says, thats being fair. But when u say i got trust issues is kinda funny cause the video says: "dont trust anyone to do nice things for u, u cant expect that, u should let go of that". No, i trust that if i pick the right people it will happen, i dont need to let go of that. With strangers, i agree with the video, for example, last year I was tryna buy beer, and the day before a new law was put in place in my country, to not sell anyone who didnt have an id. Im 27, ive always looked older so i told the cashier "hey, i didnt know i had to bring my id, u can see im an adult though, how about u sell it to me and next time i bring my id" and she was like no, even though she knew i was over 18. So i got mad and started arguing with her "so if a 90 yo woman without id comes here u wouldnt sell alcohol to her" "no i wouldnt" so i made a scene. Not because im an entitled person who thinks he should get special treatment, its just that I wouldve done that for her if i was in her shoes. I wouldve done that for a stranger. And i think that if more people were more understanding and giving we would all be happier so. I think im right to be mad. But also i realised i cant be expecting certain behaviour from people i dont know, not because I shouldnt, but because it could make me dissapointed and resentful, like i was that time. But with the people I pick to be in my life, i can choose to not have that problem

[@johanliebert1814]

@@Bbbuuusssttterrr I get it, what are you saying that you don't actually expect anything from strangers but with the people who are close to you because if you do something for them, then they should appreciate it and will owe you but the things is that you aren't actually the type of person who believes in an eye for an eye, that if you give something of some value you want same value in return. In realtion you actually help people and ask them for help when you need it without comparing that how much they helped you, the thing which matter is that they helped. The only thing I want to say now is " don't judge someone or anyone", I came to realised again and again that people don't actually think as much you & me thinks. There action doesn't works on thinking they just simply do it without giving a thought or thinking of consequences.

[@BKNeifert]

This is true. As the famous French Cynic said, "A virtue is most often only a vice in disguise." The point being, he was a Jansenist, who believed the Human Corruption is so deep, that it's imbedded in the Human Psyche and our only deliverance from it is Christ. That humans, by nature, are so purely evil, and that's why we need a redeemer. So, truthfully, there is an economics to Kindness, and Love, and Joy, but in the end, that's ultimately not the virtue we seek in ourselves. While it's true, that our deepest joys can be quite shallow, we pursue the perfection of that Joy, or the perfection of that Love, where it is no longer self seeking or self indulging. That's the ideal we strive for, but no one ever actually meets it. It's shameful, but any philosopher who's ever truly looked into themselves, or their own motives, will find nothing kind, nothing loving and nothing truly joyful in them. They'll find a shallow husk of a person, which they need Christ to fill. Everyone, at there best and core selves, are truly evil, and that's why we need Christ to save us.

[@suwa77]

You will always be repaid if you do something nice because of the snowball effect. If someone that directly helped you didn't do anything in return, don't worry. They will help someone one day, and the person who got the help will help someone else too. It will return to you at the end of the day, and what will you do? You should help again. A person that serves will always be served back.

[@iokhufu]

in most things i have experienced where i counted them as acts of kindness i did not feel the need for any thanks, but after a while, i think that it sure feels nice if i was appreciated, i did not really need or want a payback but i guess my real nature surfaces.

[@Samwhys]

The only expectations we should have from kindness are our happiness and us becoming less selfish.

[@LifeOdysseyMotivation]

The basic example of this is what happening in today's world like KZbinrs. Many are really doing good and helping other people on screen. And in return, they are expecting rewards through views, likes, and subscriptions because they monetize their videos.

[@jmancody94]

This one was hard to hear. But I needed it.

[@joyuk]

I think this video is far too black and white. There is a balance between being kind to others and feeling our efforts are being appreciated/ taken for granted. Most people are happy enough being appreciated some of the time and taken for granted some of the time, the red flag is feeling that you never seem to be appreciated by certain people no matter what you do. There can be quite a difference between someone saying thanks, and someone genuinely showing appreciation. If you feel unappreciated by someone it may be time to change your circle of friends and ask some probing questions about why you are choosing to concentrate on being around people that don’t appreciate what you do. If you feel you always do much more for others than they do for you, you might want to examine why you feel you have to do so much for others? Are you perhaps subconsciously seeking approval or love or attention ? Wanting to be appreciated and not taken for granted is a natural part of having good self esteem… but it’s all about balance.

[@am_i_blue]

"Man of superior virtue is not conscious of his virtue. Man of inferior virtue never looses sight of his virtue and in this process looses his virtue" -Lao Tzu

[@ws16-19]

I often wonder whether or not I do good deeds without demanding rewards because I already get some selfish amusement as a reward from my tendency to contradict this unfair world, so here is the question: am I a genuinely good person or just a selfish rebel who thinks that is a genuinely good person instead?

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

I already know that, thanks

[@tannerhalligan7529]

Ok but what if you do nice things for people, but then are treated poorly in return. Is it still selfish to feel unappreciated.

[@taivan9030]

We are naturally selfish. We have built to survive. Let's say Jack sacrificed his life for Rose. Jack is still selfish. Because he wanted to feel happiness for himself by sacrificing himself for Rose. If Rose was nobody to Jack, he wouldn't do that. So stop acting like you're a good person. Just be honest, make decision that benefits both of you.

[@francois-xaviermenage4531]

All the people use transaction mindset much more than this character! People never see when you give them genuinely! Moreover, it is perfectly normal to hope for some kind of recognition when we are kind with others, especialy when we just want people to avoid crossing the red-line (insults)! The border btw "transactional" and "kind" is not so clear in the real world!

[@AlexRider589]

This is stupid. You can't perform labor without pay. Reciprocity is a very reasonable expectation. Especially from friends who care about your well-being too.

[@wolverzor]

He didn't say it wasn't a reasonable expectation

[@buddhaneosiddhananda8499]

Living a selfish life won't lead to real happiness... we must study spirituality and meditate as well as serve... we must be wise...😇😇

[@I_Me_Mine]

I'm not _secretly_ selfish. I've proclaimed explicitly that I am selfish. If I love someone, I'll _selfishly_ be kind to them. But I acknowledge no duty to sacrifice my values for others, nor do I demand that others sacrifice for me. I would gladly help a stranger in a state of emergency, but I will not _live_ for anyone other than myself. “I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” ― Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_

[@ninakore]

Like people who believe they’re out in the world doing morally right things but they’ll threaten to hurt anyone who disagrees with them.

[@PettyMehdee]

Today we have more confused people than ever. Our options have astronomically increased after all. The people you're talking about, I believe their hearts are just misguided. I pray we all find peace and happiness within us.

[@Drogon_Visenya]

So when religious people commit a good deed in hopes of securing a place in paradise, they are actually doing a transaction lol😅

[@pablofranco3823]

This needs to have some boundaries though

[@Dom-I-NATE]

There is no action that is actually not selfish. There are only things that are mutually beneficial or things that hurt others and only help yourself either way it’s helping yourself. Giving money to charity people consider that is helping someone else and hurting themselves, but no losing that money does not hurt as much as it will make them feel great so they’ll do it because it’s net gain for themselves. This means that everybody who is altruistic can also be a narcissist, but no one will lab them that because someone who helped other people no one would see as a narcissist because no one can see that it’s actually helping themselves

[@Vital4422]

This reminds me of one of Jesus' teachings, "So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'" (Luke 17:10)

[@BULLTRONHERO]

This is one thing that concerns me about kids (myself included) growing up playing a lot of video games. I find myself defaulting to a transactional mindset sometimes, and it bothers me.

[@MaryDunford]

You noticed and you care. That makes you further ahead than a lot of people. Cheers!

[@BrianRanleh]

You shouldn’t. These so called « transactional mindset » is common sense