Your Most Powerful Negotiation Tool: The Illusion of Control | FBI Negotiator Chris Voss | Big Think

Your Most Powerful Negotiation Tool: The Illusion of Control
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Negotiating is hard, and it's even harder when there is something you really want. The stakes are higher, and you may not know how to get the upper hand. Negotiating takes skill, it's something that a person needs to hone over time through practice, so they can carefully judge when to swoop in for a win and when to hold back. It's a delicate, instinctual art. But it can definitely be learned.
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CHRIS VOSS:
Chris Voss is the Founder and CEO of the Black Swan Group Ltd. He has used his many years of experience in international crisis and high stakes negotiations to develop a unique program and team that applies these globally proven techniques to the business world. Prior to 2008, Chris was the was the lead international kidnapping negotiator for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, as well as the FBI's hostage negotiation representative for the National Security Council's Hostage Working Group. During his government career he also represented the U.S. Government at two (2) international conferences sponsored by the G-8 as an expert in kidnapping. Prior to becoming the FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator, Christopher served as the lead Crisis Negotiator for the New York City Division of the FBI. Christopher was a member of the New York City Joint Terrorist Task Force for 14 years. He was the case agent on such cases as TERRSTOP (the Blind Sheikh Case - Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman), the TWA Flight 800 catastrophe and negotiated the surrender of the first hostage taker to give up in the Chase Manhattan bank robbery hostage taking.
During Chris's 24 year tenure in the Bureau, he was trained in the art of negotiation by not only the FBI, but Scotland Yard and Harvard Law School. He is also a recipient of the Attorney General's Award for Excellence in Law Enforcement and the FBI Agents Association Award for Distinguished and Exemplary Service. Chris currently teaches business negotiation in the MBA program as an adjunct professor at University of Southern California's Marshall School of Business and at Georgetown University's McDonough School of Business. He has taught business negotiation at Harvard University, guest lectured at The Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University, The IMD Business School in Lausanne, Switzerland and The Goethe School of Business in Frankfurt, Germany. Since 2009 Christopher has also worked with Insite Security as their Managing Director of the Kidnapping Resolution Practice.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Chris Voss: The secret to gaining the upper hand in negotiations is giving the other side the illusion of control. And the illusion of control is typically best given with either questions that begin with the words what or how. Well what and how should be the form of nearly any question where you're trying to gather information. And it's actually one of the ways we say no. The first and best way to say no to anyone is how am I supposed to do that? Now the other side actually has no idea as to the number of things you've done with them at the same time. You conveyed to them you have a problem. It's something that we also referred to as forced empathy because one of the reasons why we exercise tactical empathy is because we want the other side to see us fairly. We want them to see our position; we want them to see the issues we have; we want them to see the constraints that we have.
And when you say to somebody, "How am I supposed to do that?" You make them take a look at your situation before they respond. And they think about it in a number of different ways. And a number of different people I've coached through negotiations who have felt completely helpless, they felt completely taken hostage, in the one instance where a woman thought she was taken hostage to the future and she just wasn't getting paid. They called her up to give her more work and we taught her to say, trained her, counseled her to say, "How in my supposed to do that?" They thought about it for a while and they said, "You're right you can't."
I've noticed that response is not word for word directly responsive to her question, what they responded to was they felt like she said to them, I can't do this any more. I've reached my limit. And it's a way to establish a limit in a way that doesn't back the other side into a corner. You really want to be able to let out no a little bit at a time. And the first way to start letting ...
For the full transcript, check out bigthink.com/videos/chris-vos...

[@bigthink]

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[@tanay4300]

Give the other side the illusion of control... but how am I supposed to do that?

[@sarahszabo4323]

Ha lol. Illuminatiception.

[@daveballard8673]

Because I said so.

[@SnoozeTheRecluse]

because you have to

[@jnanakirti4993]

What?

[@MagicBoterham]

How am I supposed to know that?

[@jrfuentes2688]

So I used this exact strategy when buying a car here recently. The salesman had already prepositioned and told me that they weren’t going to budge even a dollar on this vehicle because they had people lined up to purchase it. Using thIs strategy of “how I’m I supposed to do that”, I was able to get a new windshield and 1000 off.

[@xPumaFangx]

I am learning alot from Chris Voss.

[@Democracy-is-non-negotiable]

I just came from a successful interview, the first things. what and how. where basis on questions i asked and it ended up playing out in a beneficial manor. wow! SCIENCE.

[@AD45]

Nice, now I'm gonna make that cashier feel like he's the mastermind and he'll give me those nice coupons

[@gwho]

Best big think video ever. Give me more from this guy on this topic

[@AndrewAttard78]

This was really good. More videos like this please.

[@90iatros]

This guy really helps me with my psychopathy condition.

[@90iatros]

or it's sarcasm...

[@ShammyLadoo]

Archer Sterling Are you mad sweetheart ?

[@Puffalupagus360]

+Archer Sterling fuckin high speed shit right there bro

[@90iatros]

LOL! You think so? Just don't like being trolled, me being a high level troll myself :D DANGER ZONE!

[@AngelVocal]

This sounds in character. I can almost hear Archer say it.

[@ka-ren9987]

great tip, thank you!

[@NoahNobody]

I would really like more concrete examples of this (How am I supposed to do that?). Like especially contract negotiations.

[@JennyB957]

Thanks Chris for the info and thanks Big Think for the shorter videos.😊

[@VultureCulture]

Chris Voss is amazing. Just finished your book, it was fantastic!

[@xapemanx]

this guy is my new idol

[@Jesseinabox]

Please put all of these voss videos into a playlist

[@sumtingwong8768]

om dumb dumb you can do it yourself lazy ass nigga

[@jimwalsh2001]

Love this...

[@939bb]

The problem with this is that often the person you're negotiating with is completely familiar with the tactic of asking "How am I supposed to do this?" (or their adviser is) and they immediately respond with, "because you have to if you want the deal," thus giving you the illusion that there is nothing left on the table.

[@nicka9666]

It makes no difference whether they know or not. If they state that there is nothing left on the table, then negotiations have ended and you walk away if it's not to your liking. To use that tactic, they have ended the possibility for further negotiation (which is bad for them if they have profitable room to move). They have just made you feel powerless, which as Chris said is exactly what you don't want to do in negotiation.

[@someperson2500]

BDoug i don't see your point... it still ends with us failing lol

[@immers2410]

Some Person only if you're committed to buying

[@reiloveable]

i loved this

[@kingjames4886]

one of the most powerful arguments is "ok, you go think about that and get back to me."

[@Flying_Scorpion]

Does this guy have a book? I want more of this.

[@johnpaulvavavlogs2348]

yes. and audio book

[@thebanaap]

Yes the book is called "Never split the difference".

[@ranevc]

This is actually his hidden agenda: to talk you into buying his book.

[@TheKitchenerLeslie]

@@ranevc I'm sorry... buy his book?

[@DaveE99]

@@ranevc and yet, I’ve read a lot on EQ, and thus far his was the best.

[@augustgreig9420]

They teach this in Taoism. The Tao te Ching says that in order to lead people you have to follow them.

[@wisdomdaily3889]

August Greig l don't think it's logical.

[@augustgreig9420]

So what What?

[@Almosteasyese]

Wisdom Daily That doesn't mean it isn't.

[@james1461]

The next time I purchase a new vehicle im just gonna keep telling the dealer, "How am I supposed to do that..?"

[@robertb1742]

Troy sir obviously you can't afford this car. Go look at some Hondas. Thanks for coming.

[@nebbie]

Does this apply to salary negotiations? And in what ways?

[@ManintheArmor]

The best way to oppress someone is to give a person the illusion of control and freedom. Ride their thoughts, create an echo chamber, and create a situation in which people can exercise self-affirmation in a way that makes them more open about their thoughts. After all, if there are no consequences to worry about, why bother lying? Why take the effort to think ahead when you can just lay it all out there for the world to see? "You're fucking invincible!," let it all go!

[@ColinWinter]

im gonna remix this guy foe reel!

[@Sewblon]

"How am I supposed to do that?" "That depends. What resources are at your disposal?" How do you respond?

[@elmerovero7528]

Not sure, could you help me out solving this problem. If so we can work together and help each other out?

[@cortster12]

Damn, I think I might actually buy his book. I am horrible with people, so manipulating them might help me out.

[@cortster12]

***** Pretty much the same thing.

[@dubbud74]

Anyone with half a brain will see through any attempt to manipulate them. Especially from someone whose social skills need help. Empathy rather than manipulation should be your goal ffs!

[@cortster12]

dubbud74 It was a joke about how social interaction is just unconscious manipulation.

[@dubbud74]

Well it came accross as sociopathic heh. In the internet no-one can see us wink.. ;) oh wait, there we go! I dont believe *all* social interaction is unconcious manipulation. Unless we're referring to manipulation as an intended positive and negative?

[@MrBeaux]

Knowing how to manipulate people can make you less susceptible to it if used against you, you don't have to use it yourself.

[@tejlas93]

What would be a good response when an employee who is not doing their job effectively uses the how do I do that to you, the employer?

[@kinngrimm]

So now that i know that and would encounter someone questioning me in such ways, i answer "You have to do that if you want that deal".

[@littlefishbigmountain]

I'm not sure 4:10 is so much a confirmation as a confirmation bias. Maybe the reason the real estate agent didn't give in anymore was because that card had already been played and the second time it lost its impact. It's not just in the cards you have; it's in how you play them Just saying. Great video, though. Big Think has got some great content

[@midiminion6580]

Caveat… these tactics only work on transactional events, like hostage negotiations but life rarely works that way. If you gain the upper hand in a negotiation it’s likely to come and bite you the second time around. Or people will just plain avoid you. Have you ever played a game where the other party just outclasses you in skill? You just stop playing the game. Treat people respectfully, clearly articulate your needs and wants, know when to walk away and you’ll likely go a long way.

[@sneakonproductionz]

Big fan of this guy, BUT I have used how am I supposed to do that and the counterpart just says I dunno thats your problem

[@bass9454]

buy his book guys

[@nofunallowed3382]

alright, now I know the inportance of creating the illusion of control. But how do I gain that illusion, and how do I use it? While working on a school project someone told me to do something because it wouldn't take much time. I asked why I was supposed to do it while he could do it too, and he replied with "because you have to". Having the formation how to gain and control the illusion of control would help avoiding those sticky situations

[@Bungaroosh]

Not WHY, but HOW. It's all the difference. WHY is confrontational. HOW is engaging.

[@Puffalupagus360]

He never gave us the "what" scenario and usage.

[@DissectingThoughts]

But how was he supposed to do that?

[@Puffalupagus360]

DisThoughts i see what you did there.

[@malayrojak]

Puffalupagus360 This is the funniest / cheekiest / wittiest chat I have read on KZbin in a while...

[@Hauptseite]

What was he supposed to say?

[@saumitrachakravarty]

First ask: What do you want me to do? Then ask: How am I supposed to do that? Makes sense now?

[@wilmerherrera1502]

de que trata este tema?

[@Volound]

0:56 "because one of the reasons why is cause" any single one of those four words would be sufficient on their own. this is a rare instance of a quadruple pleonasm.

[@greasyharold2653]

To be fair, not many people speak off the cuff without error.

[@ShammyLadoo]

because cause is why boom. not a quadruple pleonasm. mad brah ?

[@carlweiskott7623]

One of this man's strengths is he speaks like a 'normal' person using common idioms and phrases. His ideas are very uncommon

[@o0MRG0o]

Like... I can't be the only one who keeps hearing "...The best way to say no to any woman..." at 0:36, right?

[@angelalopez7704]

That's what I heard too!

[@HakuCell]

thanks for fixing the thumbnail!!

[@ari7610]

the like switch is a really good book on influencing ppl its written by an ex fbi agent

[@sanelb1147]

So when you trying to convince each other.. the first guy asks 'hoew am I supposed to do that?".. the second guy that wants to counter attack that move is answering the question with another question "so how am I supposed to answer that question?"?

[@__ant__24]

sanel b how am i supposed to know?

[@sufjanstevens7076]

"Tactical empathy"

[@EmperorsNewWardrobe]

Blast them with the empathy minigun then annihilate them with the loving kindness bazooka

[@randy4372]

Hes like a really intelligent old billy goat

[@janicemurphy7878]

People usually are easily con two people that have power pretty soon to have wealth and also promise something that they feel they would like to have however if you listen close enough you'll find out that you get what you're paying for one

[@kakashi76767]

Good to know, now the next time the Joker is holding people hostage and I am the first on the scene, and he screams "BRING ME BATMAN!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHA!A" i will ask "how am I supposed to do that?" before he kills me. Sweet!!!

[@bluecapone]

The AMV TOP 50 He'll probably tell you "With the bat signal, dumbass!" Just a guess 😂😂

[@secularraygon791]

Tonality

[@jamsjeggings2968]

How am I supposed to “find” a better paying Job when all well paying Jobs require at least 3 years of prior experience? I’m 23 and I’ve had 4 different Jobs, so what am i supposed to do to avoid poverty wages?

[@bobzone09]

This was interesting as fuck, and just confirmed a lot of the commentary they had on interrogation in Burn Notice lol.

[@Luis-fh8cv]

not gonna lie, I was expecting a guy in dark sun glasses with an earpiece and a full on men in black suit

[@burt591]

I'm gonna try to manipulate people using this tricks to see if it works

[@PiperStart]

A

[@michaelwinter742]

We aren't negotiating how you do something; we are negotiating what gets done. Would you like to adjourn while you get your affairs in order, or are you able to continue now?

[@nicka9666]

A ridiculous response. What gets done is entirely dependent on someone's ability to do it. Questioning their affairs is a presumptuous, nebulous, irrelevant and insulting. This is just the equivalent of saying "because you have to" while increasing the likelihood that they will just walk away from the deal (by showing stupidity, rudeness and arrogance). At the very least it has just raised the lowest point they will settle for, as they have now taken away the cost of dealing with this person from the perceived value of the deal.

[@michaelwinter742]

Nick A The response is no more ridiculous than the question.

[@pradaisfun9566]

What if the other side of the party totally ignore your concern?

[@TheKitchenerLeslie]

How are they supposed to do that?

[@eriktruchinskas3747]

huh I wonder if hes related to rich vos

[@onetwothree257]

"How am I shupposhed to do that? I'm a headliner!"

[@vipermad358]

What if the other guy saw this video, too?

[@Maltcider]

"How to be a Psychopath 101".

[@somethingetcetera3814]

Do you manipulate that child into stopping crying? Do you tell that customer service person how you really feel, or do you say what you say to try and get your way even if they'r driving you nuts? When you meet a potential mate, do you say things you think will impress them to try and help make them like you? When someone close to you is having a bad day and is cranky do you try to diffuse the situation or do you rile them up? Do you speak a rude cop who pulls you over and is being an asshole with the words that are really on your mind? We all manipulate all the time. That doesn't mean it's intrinsically bad.

[@gursimrankaur5493]

why do i think this person is reading from a teleprompter ?

[@somethingetcetera3814]

Because they probably are. Most professional looking KZbin videos that involve a monologue have a teleprompter involved.

[@marcosrayas1213]

How else is he supposed to present?

[@ClassPunkOnRumbleAndSubstack]

I lost a game in Payday 2 because they made Chriss Voss an AI.

[@a.h7460]

This advice won't work against a psychopath. Empathy is a mojor cog to this strategy. The majority are found running shit as cutthroat bosses, but psychopathic people are relatively rare

[@Almosteasyese]

Letmeopenyourthroat Actually feeding the Psychopath's ego would usually help, if they're also narcissistic it would absolutely be effective

[@TehPompkinHead]

lol i'm gonna use this on the next join god or go to hell commenter I find

[@Th3CoLoSSuS]

WHY IS HE ALWAYS LOOKING SIDEWAYS??

[@marcosrayas1213]

He is thinking in images.

[@midnightisnice]

So your saying to just fart constantly

[@terrythompson7535]

This is hilarious and absurd. "How am I supposed to do that?.." Really? Psychopaths do not care. They do not consider it their problem, and will expect you to meet their demands whether you are capable or not. They count on you to find away, or suffer the consequences. Perhaps this technique works on ordinary people, but I highly doubt it has any effect whatsoever on people who are scientifically and medically incapable of empathy.

[@terrythompson7535]

Perhaps you are correct, he may be a totally awesome investigator, but it doesn't matter how much skill you have if you are not authorized to investigate and prosecute the people who write your paycheck when they have broken the law. In this sense, the law exists only to preserve the sovereignty of the rulers

[@akawhut]

He never said this was about negotiating with psychopatchs

[@cortster12]

Most people are not psychopaths. Heck, most people who murder or rape are not psychopaths. This works on almost every single human on Earth, so how is this hilarious or absurd? If someone is a psychopath, then you use different methods.

[@tedlemoine5587]

Why are you limiting this hypothetical negotiation to psychopaths?

[@terrythompson7535]

How about because they are responsible for about 50% of all crime, and constitute much of the population of our prisons? If you're not aware of this, then you should do some research on psychopaths

[@katetaylor3582]

Wow. If you can't sleep just listen to this guy talk for awhile. Drink a red bull or something.