Your Partner Is Depressed, What Do You Do?

[@CeruleanChurch]

I had a friend in the Air Force who was just miserable and neck deep in depression and it was just hard to watch. Eventually I took on some of the caring aspects that Dr. K is talking about, but the big thing was I forced him to go to the gym with me every day. We started lifting, started eating better, we started to focus on forms and what else we can do to work our muscles. Then he would go see the shrink on Fridays and we'd have a cheat meal that night and he'd talk to me about it and it would be lather rinse repeat every week. Really started to see him turn things around in his head and start living his best life.

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

Poggers. Both of you

[@gucci_flip_flops]

That's actually such a wonderful story. He had something nice to look forward to after therapy with a good friend who's helping. Good on you man

[@akonv3br]

How is he now?

[@OuzRev]

Why "Had" not "Have" 😭

[@4Y0P]

Homies like that is what we all should strive to be and have 💪🏻

[@scriptorpaulina]

I have horrific depression, but one of the best things I heard from my (old) thesis advisor was “the easy thing to do would be to stay in bed. So every day that you half-ass your writing, you show up to work, or you do just take a shower, you’re making me proud.” And actually, it gave me the activation to be able to work in my PhD thesis, actually do laundry (the hardest chore), and go to work even if it’s 3 PM. And it feels really nice to work hard.

[@indigopines]

I can second this, I learned it when I was depressed, and I currently struggle with executive dysfunction. If you do only what you are able to do, *that is something. That is worthwhile. That is okay.* It's hard because our brains hold up an image of what we "should" be able to manage, but frankly that image is bs, and with how much any of us struggle, what we manage to do is already wonderful.

[@mfour_themighty]

This guy... always posting videos on subjects at the exact moment I need them the most. Thanks Dr. K!

[@TheFrankDive]

for me it's 2 weeks too late

[@SuperChaosTTV]

fr!

[@godspeedhero3671]

It's all those third eye meditations surely.

[@alechennings4774]

@@TheFrankDive Idk what all your life entails but I hope everything works out for you and your loved ones

[@Nate-vk7gu]

@@TheFrankDive same

[@davagevorriose8046]

For anyone wondering, it's very difficult, but absolutely possible. We still struggle, but my wife has made a TON of progress; from a near shut-in unable to drive and anxious about everything, to facing down her fears, finishing a degree, driving to the next town, and teaching (during COVID!). It's absolutely possible, and worthwhile. Here's what I learned: 1 Little steps are good. They don't need to make huge leaps. 2 It's very hard to tell how much to push. Any push will result in arguments, so be ready. The stop point is where too much pushing leads to regression. Usually, the ideal amount of push is well short of the stop/regress point. They'll still push back. When the fights happen, *** check your ego ***, don't let the fight spin out of control. It's not about winning, it's about helping them take that next (small) step. 3 Not everything is a push. There are great ways to pull. For example: - Sex is a great motivator to get someone to go to bed, or come back to bed (and great for you too!). You know their turn-ons, have fun with it. - Help them start the next day in a better mood by engaging their senses (I practice this with our daughters all the time). * Make a show of stretching in bed; oh, it feels soo good, right? * Ask them about their dream, and tell them how weird yours was. * Complain about your how full your bladder feels and go to the bathroom, make sure they know you feel better (they'll be thinking of their own!). * Get some light on, especially sunlight if the sun is up; just not directly in their face. Streaming in from another room works well. * The smell of a fresh pot of coffee or a hot breakfast can set a mood. * Get some morning music on, something fun but not too loud, then sing along. * Hot showers can be a great motivator too. 4 Help them think about the things they love about their job. Ask them what about their day they're looking forward to, and what their plans are. 5 When they, or you come home for the day, ask them about their day. Get their attention, then give them yours *** and really listen ***. Ask questions about their stories. 6 Pull out old photos or scrap books once in a while and go over your old memories together. Make a plan to make some new memories (and take photos!). 7 Include them by asking them to go with you and asking for their help. Maybe it's to pick out that new pup, or maybe it's just grocery shopping ("you're better at picking out X/Y/Z than me!"), or a walk, or a weekend drive, or whatever their old hobbies were. Nature is great here, whether getting out of the city, going to a park down the street, or just watching the sunset outside. 8 Remind them of why you love them often. When they tell you it's not true (they'll say aren't actually beautiful, or brave, or strong, or whatever), remind them of all the ways you've witnessed it in the past and how much you admired them for that. 9 Before you go to bed (or entice them to bed!), prep for the next day. Even if it's as little as hanging a pair of underwear and pants in the bathroom, or getting the coffee pot ready, any prep the night before removes morning anxiety. 10 Keep a clean house. We're messy, but when the house is clean, or at least clean-ish, we feel better. 11 Last but not least, forgive yourself and your partner for failures. There will be a lot. That's fine. You're not a machine and you didn't marry one either. Remind them of that when they get down on themselves. We're all human, and we all love our significant others for their imperfections as much as for their strengths. For my wife and I it's been a many-year slog; in fact about a decade now, most of our time together as a couple. At times, it's been rough, sometimes very rough. It's also been 100% worth it. My wife is doing much better, and you know what? So am I. We're better for being together and making progress together. You can be too.

[@ohnotagain851]

Marry me. Haha. But really, that sounds really good, really supportive. Besides the one with the pushing until arguments. Like, I am really sensitive but I also get it. Man, hat down to you. I agree to it all.

[@kalindabracht8095]

Loved your comment. I suffered from a great anxiety crises at the end of 2019. My boyfriend, who lives with me, never doubted I'd be able to recover. Having someone have that kind of faith in you really makes a difference. I was able to eventually build my own confidence, and I have sucessfully recorvered. It's been almost 2 years I'm off medication!

[@anthonyaquino123]

This gave me so much hope. Thank you, I really needed to see this

[@deadinside8781]

Depressed person here, I so hope to find a partner like you. It'd be a dream.

[@JustSomeGuyWithAMustache886]

My girlfriend has clinical depression and I think I’ve been doing a great job at helping her get through each day but reading this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this great advice, I’ll be using it for sure!

[@fisyr]

As someone who lived with a depression for years, I have to say that the idea of requiring a depressed SO to be in the kitchen while you cook is an absolutely brilliant idea. It's an opportunity for the person to show that they care and it's a very low effort requirement.

[@W1HURI]

How did you overcome it?

[@fisyr]

@@W1HURI Well my main issue was that I was feeling very lonely and due to social anxiety issues I really had a hard time dating. Once I found a partner in my early thirties, things just sort of naturally improved for me a lot. I know it usually goes against the advice people give: not to expect mental health improvements from a relationship, but it did work for me. Of course I wouldn't be at this point if I didn't work on my social skills and managing my social anxiety.

[@SugarCubesRush]

Opposite for me personally I hated being in the kitchen when I felt like shit I was so tired so last thing I wanted was to stand around doing nothing

[@alexterieur8813]

@@fisyr this whole love yourself before wanting love from others is kinda bullshit, we all need love from other people and even though love is not a magic medicine it still helps tremendously to be truly loved

[@frozerus]

@@alexterieur8813 ur absolutely right. a lot of ppl don’t think they deserve love. by receiving love and care they haven’t gotten before is life changing

[@DaileyDoseOfJoseph]

"If I've got a dog, I've got to go for two walks a day." None of my family who's ever had a dog has ever followed this idea. The dog is just as depressed as the house, I think.

[@elijah5251]

make sure u get a active dog then. A breed of dog you know needs exercise

[@SuperChaosTTV]

@@elijah5251 yea - a malamute is not tolerating lazy behavior for longer than 8 hours 😂 they will literally harass you physically and verbally

[@hado33_]

this is the exact reason why i think keeping dogs as pets is kind of a fucked up thing, at least how society is now. . . most dogs are just trapped up inside all day. . in my ideal world, dogs would be free to roam around and there wouldnt be any cars to hit them in the street.

[@SuperChaosTTV]

@@hado33_ and to add onto that - walks only work for so long. If you aren’t stimulating their mind on other ways they’ll become depressed still even with walks. Gotta continue training them as well because they really enjoy that aspect.

[@thewingedpotato6463]

@@hado33_ Isn't it strange how it's only fucked up when it happens to animals, but when society does the same thing to everyone, it's perfectly acceptable?

[@ConnorKrohnicles]

One thing to be a little careful about is getting a pet. There are some people who are so affected by their depression who won't feel able to care for the pet and make things worse for both the animal and the person.

[@Frotu]

Sorry but I have to ask, where's your pfp from?

[@moom81]

@@Frotu it's a drawing of sly cooper

[@VimDoozy]

You might also get a difficult pet to raise, such as a fearful puppy, and your depression may worsen due to the increased stress and frustration. This is happening to me right now.

[@imasiontist653]

I think plants can work too. There's someone I know who has depression but who takes care of a lot of plants and I think it helps them. IDK that for sure though so take this with a grain of salt. Just thought I'd throw it out there

[@ameliasyifa4332]

I love my cats, but when they are suddenly eat not as much as they normally do, i'll start worry and freak out bcs once, my pet had died due to cat virus and it really really impacted me

[@deandickens2203]

I've had depression for most of my life. There was a period where I decided I would try to do everything within my own power to beat it. - Went for walks and went hiking. - Vitamin D supplement. - Conscious effort to be around friends. - Reach out to those friends when I was feeling down. - Read positive texts from friends and family when the negative thoughts came on. And tellingyself those negative thoughts were lies. - Eating right. - Drinking more water. - Playing less video games. - See a counselor. - Pray a lot. None of it worked. One time I went to see my counselor, and he told me he didn't know what to tell me because I was already doing everything he was going to recommend (and then some). The *only* thing that finally worked was medication. After just one dose on the first day I almost cried because of how not-sad I was. Medication was the only thing that made the dark cloud finally go away.

[@daniellek7536]

i feel like my SO is in a similar situation, where he's already doing everything right and it's not really working. He is afraid to go on medication because of the dependency though and I'm not very educated on it either so if you're comfortable sharing, how is medication sustainable in the long run? can you ever stop taking it and if so will depression come back or can you actually be completely cured after some time on medication? i really have no clue how it works so sorry for the ignorance

[@petergraywolf6671]

Depression is so much misunderstood thing.... i believe it truly matters WHY the depression started.... and there will be different treatment for different people (example: some might be turning depressive because of social interactions and social anxiety and isolation... and for them medication can be not helpful at all or semi helpful but might be helpful the things that you were doing) Glad you figured out what helps you

[@petergraywolf6671]

@@daniellek7536 he cant answer you because there are multiple and absolutely different (differently working) medications for depression. So one can only experiment with different medications (with the help of their psychologist and psychiatrist) Or trying things like specific herbal teas (mind you, those usually cant be taken while taking antidepression meds or anti anxiety meds... since some strong herbs have similar effect like the chemical medication and together it can create too strong effect) or even things like psychoactive mushrooms (only 1 or 2,3 doses are somehow able to ,,reset the brain" , there are medical studies since there is no known medication that would have so drastic effects even after taking it just once) Or weed, specially with specific strains (here i would suggest that being dependant on it and smoking it too often can increase depression.... but smoking it rarely, or only once or twice after whole day of work and being sober, has absolutely different effects) so here it is very speculative and yet can help incredibly in some cases. Mind you i was observing myself and other depressed people, plus doing tons of research for many years etc... I am not doctor , just an experimentator and lab rat :D But i have seen what helps me and others so doing suggestions in case it helps My last suggestion is... challenge your SO to do basically NOTHING for like a whole month !!!! It seems to me that some people are turning depressive after being overwhelmed, and they dont know how to stop ! So your SO almost not even doing chores (minimum of them), almost not doing shopping, not repairing house/car etc etc and just forcing himself to be lazy and passive might have incredible healing effects on him ! In the past as long as we were not bleeding too much, had where to sleep, had some warmth and dryness and some food and water, we could have afforded being lazy. But nowadays the time is different an we are constantly rushing somewhere and to do something...

[@petergraywolf6671]

@@daniellek7536 especially with your partner being so proactive type his (supposing it is him but gender doesnt matter here) it is possible that he doesnt know how to stop... i suggested stopping for a month but except that he can do research on Zen, Zen Meditation, Mindfullness meditation etc... i dont know enough about his situation but i am feeling that this might be the cure for him. Mindfullness / learning how to stop is not answer for everyone since every depression has different cause. But if i guessed the cause correctly, then the solution is relatively simple (afterall solutions tends to be ... and yet we could be searching for solution for many years with so little luck finding the correct one)

[@hazardousjazzgasm129]

Which meds?

[@karinaschulerferro3815]

ngl when i was a depressed teen i got a pet bird because i knew i had trouble taking care of myself and i wanted to work on it and i figured if it was another living thing I'd do it- but it ended up being a really bad idea because i actually wasn't able to take care of the bird /or/ myself and the poor bird had to suffer the neglect of a depressed teenager and i hated myself even more for it... ANYWAY dr k is absolutely spitting truth in this video just want to issue a little warning about the pet idea- animals are conscious and experience/witness life as much as we do and not projects to work on our mental health

[@godspeedhero3671]

Yeah, I think it varies from person to person.

[@Frotu]

What happened to the bird?

[@taylan7094]

What happened to the bird?

[@karinaschulerferro3815]

@@taylan7094 It died :( It was my fault- that bird could have lived the life it deserved if i had just owned up and realized i was never going to give it the proper care. i'll never live down the guilt, but I learned the lesson. I took pets seriously at the time too, i just didn't realize my love for an animal wouldn't be enough to get me to care properly for it. They are our responsibility and their entire lives are in our hands. I wish i could go back in time and leave that bird be and just try harder to get the help I needed instead of thinking the right conditions would turn me into the person i wanted to be. :(

[@mejra843]

@@karinaschulerferro3815 im so sorry that you went through that, but realize that now u know better and act on it :)

[@Alex-dw4wn]

I've been this guy. And It wasn't until I started approaching gaming as any other addiction that I saw improvements in my personal life. It's hard not falling back into that comfort and persevering through recovery. As a partner, this is one of the most difficult situations to be put in. For me, it wasn't until my partners left that I realized I had a problem. Sometimes that is all you can do, even if they have core abandonment wounds. It's not your responsibility to heal someone, nor is it their fault. It's one of those situations where there is no real positive outcome unless the mentally ill partner overcomes the hurdle of thier own addictions.

[@dukmccuck7390]

My friend I was about to post this almost exact same text. Much love to you! I need to ask tho is there light to be seen. I find myself rumminating for time to time about my stupid actions or decisions that felt good at the time but bad for the relationship.

[@Bokmoh]

@@ImAmirus obviously this guy is the only one *reallly* paying attention.

[@nevokrien95]

For me my mom tried to make me get out of bed and send me to learn in school. Thing is that was very emotionaly taxing, then she tried to do boundries with me and thats where it went to shit. See as a kid i have no option but to afree to the terms my mom gives me. So if she dosent let me stay at home i have to go outside. That ment i had no place which felt safe. I would walk i. The fields and be terfied of going home. That fear started a bunch of pretty terrible patterns that basicly make completing high-school impossible for me to this day. Now any way you look on this its a disaster. For my gaming addiction all it did is make it stronger. Since it was the only time that truly felt safe after i couldn't be outside. Plus its well known that limiting consumption externaly only make it worse. I didn't go to school and did have any energy to work on anything since all my day was spent finding a place where i m not under pressure. I am 21 now and still i have q very hard time doing basicly anything because of that fear of pleasure. As for my addiction as soon as i was presented with a better option of what to do and a place to stay and didn't have pressure on me i stopped playing only very recently returning to play in a healthy way

[@hengry2]

how do you get over the addiction of gaming when i dont find anything else to substitute that time for?

[@nevokrien95]

@@hengry2 i had that problem its very nastu since as long as you are addicted nothing else feels meaningful

[@AlsoNotSophia]

I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I still like to watch these videos so I know what to do if I ever find myself in these situations.

[@click004hd7]

Hopefully you never have to use the info

[@brattingprincess]

Yknow i watched for the SO. This shit is helpful for my sibling too.

[@Zazabazaa]

I have dysthymia (a type of mild, long term depression) and one of the things I found most frustrating was when people would comfort me and then get confused or upset when I wasn't perfectly fine after that. I don't need somebody to "fix" me, especially since it normally can't be "cured", most of the time you just figure out ways to manage it. So when it came to starting a relationship with my partner, who also has ADHD and a set of childhood issues like me, the first thing we established was our boundaries. The fact that we aren't there to save each other, that we will listen but there will be times when we need space and that's okay, that's an important boundary to set. Depression isn't something that only affects the mentally ill, and it can sneak up on anybody. So therefore everybody with a brain should treat their mental state with a good amount of care, having somebody with depression shouldn't be treated like you're caring for someone who is ill, you're not their nurse or service dog, it should be treated like you both have your own problems with needs that come from those problems, and some people's problems just happen to be heavier than others. How you deal with that is just by talking through boundaries, setting up systems of support where you are mentally and physically able to oblige, and making sure that both sides are getting the necessary support, not just the side that's in more pain.

[@vivvpprof]

Ultimately it's up to the partner to seek help and it's their responsibility to change. There's only so much you can do for them and if you can't stand it this way, you might need counseling yourself.

[@nezia4556]

This is completely true. Furthermore, it takes extreme strength and understanding from both sides in order to come out of it. I'm really sorry for everyone currently going through this and I hope you all make it 💖

[@Cc-bh3ye]

i guess it all depends on how much you care for the person you love.

[@kappaprimus]

That makes sense. But I've been living with someone who has been in and out of depression (not diagnosed but it is quite clear by now, suicidal tendencies, raging, days of doing nothing, binge eating, excessive drinking etc) for the past 5-6 years and despite constant efforts, requests and nudges, are unwilling to get counselled. And there are times when I feel understanding towards their issues, but at times I really can't stand them. And I think being uncomfortable with their depression is as important a feeling as being understanding towards them (for their sake), because this also to some extent seems to give them that minimal amount of motivation or purpose from time to time and makes them understand that wallowing in self pity doesn't really help. Maybe this doesn't stand true for others with different circumstances but that's how it has been for me. What do you guys think? Am I wrong in my reactions here? To express discomfort I just interact less or very curtly, and at my more understanding times, I am willing to have lengthy conversations to help them figure ways to understand their own feelings, or cheer them up, both which generally seem to temporarily better their conditions. Also, they do claim to be depressed themselves, and being from the medical bg, also claim to have mdp and bipolar.

[@pleasepaw]

@@kappaprimus By living do you mean a roommate, some relative or a relationship? I guess it's kinda different in each circumstance since there's a different bond and people usually act accordingly to that bond. Either way, personally I find your reactions to be completely normal but for you to want to sort of avoid them by not being around as much/avoiding them it also seems like you're not enjoying your time either. If that's happening in your own house then I guess in the long run it might even affect you on a deeper level. So for me this kind of relationship seems rather toxic but not to the extreme of course. From your comment it feels like you're only staying around because you care about them being better and that's why you try to have lengthy conversations with them but I suppose since it's been so long maybe it'd be best you try to make the first step and get professional help. After all it'd probably be better than waiting for a miracle to happen and them wanting your help after 6 years. Unless it doesn't really affect you to the extent I understood. I can't really say much more besides going into more depth about what I already said since I have some loop holes. Anyways, sorry for the long comment. I wish you both the best and hopefully they'll manage to get the help they need one way or another.

[@kappaprimus]

@@pleasepaw thank you for your time to read my long comment and for your opinion on this! Yes it's a relative, and well both the issues come from the fact that I live in India. 1. The families are always big and it isn't normal to live with only parents/partners/kids. 2. Counselling here, is looked so terribly at, that while I've suggested it countless times, not only are they unwilling, but literally everyone else in the family jumps to reject the idea too. Yeah I do understand things are toxic, and sometimes I do really wish they weren't living together but also I guess I more often wish they get better and stay as a member of the house. Maybe I should honestly introspect before trying to help anyone else haha. Anyway, thanks for the help!

[@Holy_ShihTzu]

PLEASE do one for couples where a partner has bipolar… 90% divorce rate for marriages where a spouse has bipolar because the illness is so hard on couples. Your input would be a great resource to the community for information and ideas on a topic that is largely neglected despite impacting many people.

[@Mangaluvr247]

The hardest part of a bipolar SO is when their feelings towards you seem to change during depression/mania :(

[@LieutenantSteel]

​@@Mangaluvr247 I can empathise with this, as my partner has PTSD and things that trigger episodes make me feel as though she treats me like an enemy/ one of her past abusers and it's hard for both of us. It always feels like no matter how good things are, one wrong thing can affect her and suddenly, all the progress and good parts of the relationship fall away- every motive I have is questioned, every action is because I want to hurt her, every thing I've said in anger or during arguments when I'm at my lowest gets brought back up and thrown back in my face. It's tough for sure.

[@Jay_00]

Probably a good topic. Especially everything going on with Kanye West.

[@petergraywolf6671]

@@LieutenantSteel i was dealing with this at both ends (being the one with PTSD , and being the partner towards the one with PTSD) try to remind yourself that he/she WILL see you as their abusor during the PTSD moments, it is basically like some theater where you play the role of the abusor since the PTSD is kinda like time freeze, and those horrific emotions memories and such are processed it is always lurking in there... so remind yourself that mostly it isnt about you, that you only triggered him/her and your only job is to prevent it from growing it into bigger fight and possibly even deepening this wound (making the trauma even bigger) , for example (depending on the situation of course) stopping or lessening the fight thru small kiss, hug, thru givimg them some chocolate or treat... basically showing love some way that your partner can understand and that can improove the PTSD fight also i suggest highly that (both you and your partner) keep written things what you love about each other.... like a reminder so that after fight (or even during it) you can remind yourself why are you together etc... since not just trauma but even regular fights and emotional disbalancce can surprsess our memories and we remember everything bad yet nothing good

[@Lozziarts]

@@LieutenantSteel For context this was my first relationship my ex was in a couple relationships before me and all of them triggered something even if was like mentioning a friend that had the same name as hers was a trigger, I supported her for as long as I could but I changed the ways that I acted to protect her and in the process I noticed that I was losing parts of me, I tried to convince her to just take a walk with me, watch something, play something but nothing worked, after all of that my depression kicked in again and when I said I needed to be alone to think and clear my mind she thought that I was breaking up with her, I think more clearly when I'm alone and she didn't need to sustain all that storm that was my brain. A couple weeks passed and she started to do somethings and get better but I wasn't getting better, and when it came to a point where she was okay..... She broke up with me because according to her "I wasn't giving my all" when I clearly was giving what I could in the situation, 1 week later I had a crisis and called her, she rejected the call and turned off the phone, 2am she sends a message saying just 'Hi' and I said I wanted to talk to her in person but she denied and said that WE would never exist anymore, another week later and she tells me that she is with someone else. That broke me, and she didn't care, I am now going to therapy because of this and she is, according to her words, "living her best moment" This was one month ago I'm better and focusing on myself She message me saying that times are getting difficult for her again, I just replied with "Well, good luck for u and I really hope u get through this"

[@martinsikula5562]

What a timing. Man. I just recovered from a 3 week mindfuckery episode. Basicly the same thing. My partner is depressed, is in a REALLY bad place and has been for way longer than i know her. I got into the relationship full of positivity, took absolute responsibility for everything and... and fell. I was full of determination to understand everything that was going on and to help at any cost. Sudenly everything changed, we stopped seeing each other, she responded to messages in completely different way, I got more desperate, started uncontrolably shaking, went running just to feel the pain when you are not breathing enough.. I was crumbling. Reached out to a psychologist, that helped a bit. My hearth was beating incredibly intensly, i was crying for days. The thing that helped me was to realize, that it is not my responsibility to save her, that i cant do it and that i have the right to walk away from the relationship. It calmed me down. I spoke with her few hours before this video came out and asked about everything i wanted and needed to know. I decided to stay. I feel happy right now. When I got home, this video came out. While it is not 100% aplicable to my situation, it still helped a lot. Thank you

[@ruzer391]

i got similar shit rn brother🫠🫠🫠

[@peterrose4340]

Man we’re living the same experience.

[@LunaBound]

I was really tearing myself up over being in a similar situation, too. He kept blaming depression for not making effort to see me, but I have depression too. We were both diagnosed with MDD. I still pushed through it to make time for him but he couldn't meet me halfway. I pushed through to see my therapist every week. Things ended pretty rough for other reasons entirely, but I'm trying to get over him and I didn't realize that this was something I was feeling guilty about. I had been wondering if maybe I had pushed him too hard, but I also felt unfairly treated because I was making all this effort to overcome my depression and change my situation and it seemed like he wasn't. This helped me understand that I wasn't being unfair, I was setting boundaries and that he wasn't putting in effort to keep the relationship. I had that conversation multiple times with him, I offered to work around his life. I gave him all of the freedom to decide which days he used to see me, but set the limit that I wanted to see him, even if it was just once every other week. The relationship didn't need to be long distance (it was just a 30 minute drive), but I had been giving up my needs to give him space to overcome those difficulties. I should have been more firm with those boundaries, I kept giving him passes because I understood what he was going through, but I was unhappy. That relationship went on for much longer than it should have.

[@deadinside8781]

Guilt is normal but you deserve to be happy. It's the kind of thing that people like us would still have to possess some subjectivity. Making a relationship work is one thing, depression is the other thing. The person has to accept the first and handle the second, because there's two people in a relationship, and the other person deserves to be happy (you). Like, if I was left because of my condition, it'll hurt but I understand he has to do what's right for him, I don't want to waste his time because I care about him. Hopefully I was only comforting, not hurtful.

[@belugorca]

I'm in pretty much the same situation right now. He's been going through a lot, and I've been trying to give him as much space and help as I can. I keep trying to set up a time to see him, but he keeps pushing it forward and only allows his other friends to come over sooner. I don't know. It's hard, and I feel like I should just wait until he feels better since he's having some issues at home.

[@sarahkatebambam6745]

i'm going through the same.. what if he's yelling at me and getting angry? he gets triggered when i do something he doesnt like.. he yells and blames me. I'm so exhausted.. i feel bad for wanting to leave while he's suffering but im starting to become depressed too and sick but all he cares about is himself and trying to fix himself.. i feel neglected, but he always use "im falling apart" and that i just need to be there as his support. But, what about me?

[@LunaBound]

@@sarahkatebambam6745 Speaking from experience, leave. I'm serious. After that relationship ended, I got into another, more toxic one. He would raise his voice and yell at me. I asked him to stop, and he made the excuse that he needed to let his emotions out and I was asking him to bottle up his feelings. Whenever I told him that his actions were hurting me, he'd play the victim, saying I was making him out to be "the bad guy." He gaslit me and made me doubt my own memories and reasoning. He insisted that he knew me better than I know myself, in order to take control over my life decisions too. Literally just the yelling part is awful. I asked him to speak with me like a partner, to respect me. Partners shouldn't be yelling at eachother. He didn't change. You can't make someone change or force them to love you and respect you. You need to do what's best for your health and leave if you believe this relationship is hurting you. You're not obligated to take care of him. Him "falling apart" is not your responsibility. You and your happiness are your responsibility. I got into a much healthier casual relationship after that. I finally experienced healthy communication. We never faught. Whenever there was anything bothering us, we'd bring it up and gave eachother a safe space to talk. I recently ended that relationship because I wanted something more serious, which the other person wasn't ready for. Part of learning to love yourself is choosing yourself, and making the hard decision to walk away from something that's hurting you. These things hurt, and it takes time to heal, but you'll be okay.

[@phantomkate6]

​@@sarahkatebambam6745Jeez. I hope you got out by now? There's no adequate excuse for someone to treat you like that, even if their own circumstances are unfortunate.

[@TheDhammaHub]

This might sound hard, but oftentimes it is good just to be there, accepting, and not doing anything otherwise

[@MoltarTheGreat]

True, but this is extremely hard to do unless you are rather detached from the person where seeing them suffer has no effect on you. As well, you will be missing out on another healthier relationship with either another person or just being yourself and single, since you can't really rely on the person as a partner nor get too attached to them. Objectively, if you love and do not want to give up on them, support without doing anything, but if you are ready to move on, you should. Plus it is not uncommon that the result of the action of leaving them will be a catalyst of positive change (I have seen it happen and have been on both ends)

[@fendroca]

@@MoltarTheGreat kjknnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnjnnmnnnnnnnnnnjvbb to

[@letsreadtextbook1687]

Maybe as friend/roomate, it is still possible. But as romantic partner, by definition it is impossible to be that detached.

[@MoltarTheGreat]

@@letsreadtextbook1687 Correct. I see the "if you love them and do not wish to give up on them, then remain detached" as an optional state that eventually leads to you leaving and moving on, since as you said, it is not possible to remain so detached from someone who you see as a romantic partner. You will either fail to remain detached (i.e. stay out of obligation, guilt, or worry and hence suffer "caregiver burnout") or be so detached that you correctly decide to move on. This is under the assumption that the partner is continuing to spiral with no sign of recovery.

[@TheDhammaHub]

@@letsreadtextbook1687 I don't say that you should be detached. I say that it is sometimes best not to _act_ - the compassion/affection are still there

[@AhamkaraMommy]

I realize watching this I've been suffering caregiver burnout almost my entire life due to my bad habit of trying to "do my best" to make other people feel comfortable around me, never thought for a moment it'd actually be a studied and named subject.

[@EvilNeonETC]

This dual diagnosis idea is interesting. As one problem is easier to solve with a solid plan, a two or more particulate group of problems could be stopping you from solving any one specific problem. I'll keep that in mind.

[@alejoqc9540]

When he proposes hypothetical conversations, he maintains an incredible balance with words wich keeps the message clear at all times. Now, that is a skill I'm looking to develop more. It allows you to communicate stuff without feeling guilty, nor making the other person think something you don't intend them to.

[@BlackXxScopez]

I was in the position of helping my significant other with depression/suicidal thoughts and urges about 1.5 years ago. They shut themselves in and didn't talk about their issues to anyone until they told me and a couple of their friends. The relationship started after I learned about their feelings because I realized how much I cared about them. My goal was to dig them out of the pit that they were in. Some people think that it is a bad idea to start a relationship with a depressed person which I don't get. I get so much fulfillment with helping someone going through something like that. I gave them my unconditional love and tried to show how much I cared about them. I talked about philosophy where they were arguing about the pointlessness of life and why suicide is an option for them, and I was arguing about why life is worth living. They saw a therapist and took some medications before finding a medication that worked for them. About 8 months after the beginning, they moved out of their parents house to move in with me, got a job, and recently we got a cat. They told me that they no longer experience many suicidal thoughts (the occasional one slips through but they're both less frequent by far and less serious), and that they are a lot happier. The specter of depression no longer haunts us and now the worst things I have to worry about are petty and mundane in comparison.

[@tyleryams6613]

The dual diagnosis is something I’ve struggled with because of my depression and weed I recently quit smoking and finally found meds that work and it’s like a miracle

[@santiagoperez2094]

Yes, and this is true for activities also, porn can take a functional adhd and make a deadbeat out of him. Something i wish i was told earlier is that daily "small" things like mouth breathing are what change the course of life, and not the "big score"

[@skeletoninyourbody9896]

@@santiagoperez2094 yeah porn can fuck up people so much i wish it was talked about more. It just changed your whole brain function and even things like what you want in a partner etc. its so scary

[@dolcemusica5173]

What meds?

[@anosa97]

@@tyleryams6613 I wish my bf sees your comment and gets encouraged by it. He's struggling with depression and smoking weed. I'm trying my best to support him without rushing him into anything but deep in my heart I wish I could take his hand and do whatever it takes to make him feel better and alive. I'm starting to feel like I'm depressed too and being drained into the same whole with him because I have nothing to do to change his life unless he wants to.

[@ascended8174]

I wish I had this video 2 years ago when I was still in an LDR. My then-GF was incredibly compassionate about my mental illness but I wasn't the best at handling it yet so, as Dr. K had pointed out, I got incredibly hopeless and suicidal whenever she told me that things were getting hard and I realise that I was being a burden on her when I should've been making her happy. It got to the point where she would lie to me about several things and just pretend like things were all ok with her when they weren't, which is my fault for making her feel that she can't be honest anymore in fear of my mental illness taking over. Things are a bit better for me now, but the pain and void is still there as well as the regret of not treating her better when we were together

[@_DarkMatterCore_]

Feel you, bro.

[@hei0919]

i am in an LDR relationship with someone seriously depressed... at the same time i am also having depression and its really hard. He tends to withdraw and sleep a lot and not be able to spend time with me anymore (harder since we dont have the same time zone and i often have to wait til afternoon for him to wake up on normal days, but just recently, he wakes up on my sleep time which is already late afternoon on his time zone). Being someone who's love language is quality time, and has fear of abandonment, it is really hard for me now. Sometimes he is too tired to talk or spend time with me and spends more time gaming. It hurts me a lot and i dont know what to do anymore.

[@bigsmoke4568]

This comment hits way to close to home for me. Getting rid of that guilt is something that only time can heal. I hope you find peace one day.

[@lillysmith4168]

I needed this, thank you

[@jamescanjuggle]

❤️

[@pikaprisma7290]

I'm only at the start of the video but I would like to share my own experiences with being in the same situation as this guy. I think the hardest thing for me to deal with was the fact it all felt fake. You get this continuous wash of dread and regret. You want to better yourself but it's just so overwhelming that you don't know where to start. I was actually living with a friend and their family for a while after attempting to end my life. They took things slow, helped me move out by guiding me through the path to success. I found a lovely home with some amazing housemates, and I've just felt so much better ever since. I found having someone there to guide me into getting my life back on track was the best thing they could've done. I'm extremely grateful for their support and so glad I'm where I am today.

[@Railgun3rd]

I am a depression survivor and I basically have my friend to thank for getting me through it. Because while the people around me my mum and dad and the doctors and everyone tried forcing the change nessecairy my friend never did that. He was such a champ cuz he knew I like playing games with friends and that I had a hard time quitting if I was playing with friends. So what he did was he just quit playing earlier than usual forcing me to quit as well. That helped me so much with my sleep schedule and not overdoing my gaming. Also fascinatingly enough. The doctors basically encouraged my parents to buy me a pc. My computer was in a different part of the country then so we never had an opportunity to get one and my parents asked "so should he stop playing video games" to which the doctors said. "No not at all in fact go get his computer here to the hospital. Video games are a huge part of his life and social interaction. He needs it." This was a bit of a shock for me. From what I've heard hospitals tend to restrict phone and computer usage but not here.

[@el_mal_de_ojo]

"You have the responsibility of learning how to do things that you don't feel like doing" is possibly the most important mindset 'nugget' in this. This is the one single realisation that I made that contributed the most to my ability to tackle my depression. A lot of life is going to be you doing things you don't necessarily want to do, but you do them anyway because you HAVE to.

[@js72634]

I really appreciate it Dr K's Middle ground approach. Acknowledging that in some communities you're going to be told to dump the person ASAP and you deserve better etc etc and on The other extreme yes, patience support be a good person etc. My boyfriend is depressed. It's obvious to me but he doesn't even use that word. He also has an extremely emotionally abusive and mesh relationship with his mother who's been living with him his entire life. And he's struggling to make ends meet and keep things afloat. I'm about at my wit's end. And yes it's true I feel so horribly guilty if I think of leaving him. Because it's not his fault that his mom did this to him. I put myself in his shoes and sincerely doubt I could have or would have done any better if a parent started putting the kind of pressure she put on him on me at age 18. Yeah... Holding him responsible. At least gently. I'm starting to work on that. Instead of being angry at his mother and blaming her, recognizing he's 40 years old and he's continuing the behavior. He's not seeking help... And, I see how hard it would be for him to do this. It's so hard to heal when you're still in the abusive relationship when you're still being abused at least in my experience. I have mental health challenges myself that don't make any of this any easier.

[@mrdee2454]

She is a dream women. But what she is doing will create learned helplessness making him worse and severely damaging her own mental health by dealing with his condition every day. She needs to really reevaluate this relationship and see if he will make any move toward recovery or I fear for her future. That sinking ship will sink her as well and that is not fair

[@flawlix]

My spouse and I both struggle with depression, so this video is good for both of us.

[@heathershuler759]

Mine and I also struggle with depression. My heart goes out tobyou both. Im in this situation and i ask "are my standard to high because my depression wont let me be happy" Sucks. Cause id like to think him changing would help. Cause i feel the caregiver burn out... but have been calling it my own depression.

[@tuome1]

Same here. I live with depression for 25 years now, he - for like 12 (though we both were dignosed just few years ago), we're married for over 16. Good thing we only sporadically have downs together, but on the other hand - when I'm better I have no time to recover and rest (well, we both do not), both bc of him getting down and the fact we have a kid with disabilities and the other one with ASD U_U.

[@insertnamehere5452]

One thing I wish no one else do is getting mad at your partner just because they’re depressed and telling them to “just be happy” and to “stop being so emotional” isn’t going to help either. I lost my best friend because his girlfriend would belittle his feelings and depression that he just took his own life.

[@Hannahtehbanana]

Thank you for this video. Boundaries are so extremely important, because waiting for too long can really damage one’s own mental health quite severely. Around a few years ago I was in this same situation. I waited for so long and spent so much time taking care of the person, talking down their depression literally everyday that I started to lose sight of who I was. It was a really scary time, I almost felt like the identity I tried making for myself in college wasn’t even there anymore. I literally lived, breathed and ate the relationship and this dudes depression (and I’m not sure why because only after the relationship did I realize he was emotionally abusive & manipulative, but I digress). I really hope people who are in a similar situation see this video and have enough respect for themselves to break it off when things become unhealthy- god knows I didn’t.

[@Densoro]

I should reflect on this. I've been depressed for _years._ The worsening of it centered around the death of my stepdad, my family's subsequent homelessness, and my mom going on oxygen as a result of the poor living conditions. Through it all, I've been trying to make it in a new job every couple of years while taking care of my mom so I don't lose her too. Then this pandemic happened. I can't hold down work because no matter how hard I try, I always fail to meet my bosses' expectations. I bust my ass so hard I've been having stress-induced seizures. Last time that happened, it was because I was in an abusive relationship. Maybe I still am. My mom invalidates all my efforts _while I'm busting my ass to keep her safe_ and starts fights when I forget about the dishes. She's developed an obsession with cleanliness, and if I set something in the wrong place, she goes thermonuclear. My friends keep begging me to leave, but we're signed together on the mortgage because none of us can afford house payments on our own. idk who'd take care of the cats if I left. I don't trust her with them. It's all just so...fucking much. I want to see my friends but the closest ones are 300 miles away. So I just play Warframe, hoping I'll flip a switch and feel relaxed enough to do anything else with my life.

[@foedeer]

❤

[@adrian_n]

my ex recently left me a few months ago, thank you for this video. it really helped. i can’t really help her because it’s her decision to get help herself.

[@alienhominidboy]

exact same thing happened to me back in november. I still talk and check in on them atleast once or twice a week though. Should I move on and give them space or should I stick around and support them? edit: nvm I should have just watched the video. You sharing your similar experience comforts me though

[@adrian_n]

Juanflip thank you aswell!! glad to know others are also going through this too :)

[@adrian_n]

Juanflip if you wanna talk about it lmk! im down to listen

[@Luis-md4mb]

Adrian, in the end did she actually did get help herself? Or is she still the same? or do you guys just lost contact with one another and is oblivious to each others lives.

[@godspeedhero3671]

This is so insanely helpful today of all days. Thank so much, Dr. K. That said, I honestly in hindsight feel that I may have had depression MUCH longer than I previously thought and way before I was diagnosed. I think the period of my life where things started to get so bad that I ended up getting diagnosed started when behavioral activation stopped working for me. It seems like there's sometimes, for whatever reason, circumstances where a persons tasks reach some type of "impossible" mode where they can only ever be able to rise to the occasion when the stakes are very high or they have some other very LARGE motivating force either on par with "life or death" or near that level. It can really feel like trying to convince yourself to run inside a burning building.

[@kevinthepokemonmaste]

I just had a conversation about this with my girlfriend last night. The timing of this video is impeccable. Thank you DR. K

[@kyraex4414]

Same

[@blazehawkins2759]

Your timing is nothing but impeccable. Thank you!

[@tiffanytruong7697]

Such a compassionate analysis of the situation for both sides. I know a lot of people are in this situation in varying degrees and are so conflicted on what to do or think.

[@natesalaa6810]

i needed this video more than anything. i’ve been experiencing the caregiver burnout for so long and feeling guilt for it but this made me feel less alone, my girlfriend has clinical depression and we’ve been dating for a year and a half as well and it’s never gotten better even through treatment, and she’s had it even before we started dating as well. this video was exactly what i needed, i cant even thank you enough for sharing this information with the world. thank you so much!

[@inpropagation]

Update?

[@rodiquart]

Me and my ex were both the depressed one for 7 years, we both fit the description from this video. Somehow, the simple fact we had each other enabled us to climb and get a little bit better every year. Having only one partner who is depressed now seems easy and extremely hopeful. Yes, it’s a very demanding and slow process, but with that in mind, a commitment can be made to see it through to the end no matter what.

[@benedictsforester7045]

This is so fkin helpful I can't even. Thank you so much for making these videos, I have never gotten so much useful advice anywhere, even from other therapists. Truly thank you.

[@nikkyk4839]

This made me want to hug my friend /ex-bf. (this might become a long story 😅) I've been battling with depression and anxiety for years and I've met him during a good phase. Then my depression came back and I knew that it was hard for him too. I tried my best but nothing really got better until we got to a breaking point where our relationship was at stake. 2 months before our 2 year anniversary, I finally got diagnosed with adhd, which was the root cause for all the other problems I had. I started going to therapy and taking medication for the adhd and depression and things started to change, not clear if it was for the better but there was change. While trying to find the perfect balance of medication and surviving through university and exams + pandemic, I hit multiple low points in the following 3 months. The strain from taking a break for a month and then my fluctuating mental health was taking a toll on him and we ended up breaking up a few days before christmas. The breakup was messy and emotional but we decided to stay friends and keep in touch at least once a week. I got him to go see a therapist for himself because he was dealing with a lot of his own issues that also caused problems in our relationship (not talking about things, lying, etc.). We had our ups and downs for some time but in general our friendship became better and things improved by a lot and we were on the level of best friends again. We went to dinner after a big fight (I was the one angry and hurt) and had a serious talk about our relationship. He knew that I was open to give it a second chance if things started to improve and we both worked on our mental health. In the end, we decided to have a trial period as friends with benefits (I know it sounds bad but we both missed physical affection and were not ready to get it from someone else) and if everything was going in the right direction, we would try dating again after a few months. It's going really well now, both of us are improving on our communication and mental health and supporting each other on our journeys. Things are definitely better than they used to be and we're both happy and curious what the future holds.

[@patiakreles]

I have learned with years to support without getting involved. You are always the first person to take care of, in my opinion people need to share their needs in an asertive way

[@tessfromtheu.s256]

Oh know for me, my dad crying and saying he was scared for me. I could see anguish in his eyes, for me that was a good way to set boundaries because it encouraged me to hate myself less to get up. My dad expressing just seeing me smile would make him feel good. Gave me hope to get better and just get up and walk outside for 20 minutes. Some days that's all I could do.

[@tykubs22]

These videos always come when you need them the most. What you guys do on this channel is absolutely amazing. You're impact on the world is infinite

[@faiflowright01]

Awesome video. Thanks doc. As one on the "caregiving" side, I've understood everything about it. I've been with my girlfriend for over 4 years now and I've also been running low on patience. All her previous relationships were extremely toxic that it's destroyed her self-respect, well-being, and loving herself. I've been helping her rebuild that but I'm actually not sure if I unconsciously took full responsibility or I'm doing the right thing of going at it together hand-in-hand. But after watching this video, I think I have a clearer picture on how to proceed.

[@kierlak]

Having been battling depression myself for several years and finally seeing improvement I would suggest to motivate your other half to get curious what is driving the illness. Asking why is he playing WoW (which in this case is a distraction/addiction) is not gonna get him anywhere whereas asking what's the pain that he is avoiding can start the ball rolling. If he's doing talking therapy it's vital to work towards better understanding of the underlying causes of the depression rather than working on the surface. I have been in IFS therapy for a few months and already feeling positive results. Reading books about trauma and IFS helped me a lot too. (If you're in a relationship I would highly recommend You are The One You've been waiting for by R C Schwartz). Good luck 👍

[@LOL2000AdventureTime]

I wish I found this video last December instead. Then she'd still be here with me, laughing, feeling, existing. Depression is not a joke.

[@YewJackOSRS]

I think I've seen this on a smaller scale too in relationships. Hard to find that balance of support vs taking responsibility sometimes.

[@bobcat360]

This channel has helped me balance my thoughts/improve my everyday thinking so much. It's like attending mini therapy sessions! Thank you Dr. K!

[@weabae5910]

I told myself i could sacrifice my happiness and well being for their sake and that they could change over time if they wanted to and if i helped them. SO btw of 5-6 years cant even keep track anymore. We did have a time early on maybe a couple months in where i wanted out because i could see the massive undertaking and sacrifice they would be to be with but ultimately i couldn’t bring myself to abandon them, they would’ve had no one else in this world. Unfortunately it has been extremely rough i was very persistent positive and easygoing no matter what for 4 years. Eventually I completely cracked major depressive episodes and forgetting who i even was. Finally i had to draw the line for myself and them after a dark age of 2 years. i had to make it clear that if evident baby steps goals change could not happen near immediately i would have to look to separate. At the same time i have been and still am demanding change from myself slowly recovering from the depression, living healthier and holding my standards a bit higher every day. To struggle is to live and if you abandon your struggle you are no more than a breathing corpse. No matter how dark and bleak and impossible it gets as long as your heart is beating you can again chose to pick up that struggle. In the end it may not be the right choice but it is the only choice. I hope everyone a brighter tomorrow

[@kzbernabeu3674]

Around 27 years of dealing with on-and-off-again depression, AND complex BPD, I will say that training yourself, holding yourself to "doing things you don't Feel like" is of extreme critical importance. It gives you capacity. It empowers you. And it's a lot of work truthfully....but it is a gift you reach out and take for yourself, to be able to know you have the will power, and mettle, to fight through deep pain. Choosing to love when you don't feel it, and Acting on it. Even if it's most importantly, and first of all, to yourself. You'll still feel pain, but there's solace, peace, calm, and empowerment with it that you nurture, that you can begin to TRUST

[@RonstoOSRS]

As a man who has been going through depression for a majority of my life, the dual diagnosis idea fits me perfectly. Almost a triple diagnosis+ in my case... But this hits hard because I was in a similar situation to this poster's boyfriend, and recently had a 5 year relationship end because I didn't do enough. Hits really hard being in the place of irreversible damage after losing the relationship

[@reinux]

I've been on both sides of this. Second time I was depressed, so I knew I was jeopardizing everything, especially because she was going through stuff too, but I just couldn't solve my own problems in time to make myself useful to her. It's so hard.

[@HansHammertime]

Interesting that you mention there should be more research on caregiver burnout, cause I’m working on an intervention strategy for that in my university!

[@aldrinvendt8524]

I had no idea how much I needed this video. My roommate has been diagnosed with bipolar since before we roomed together. About a year and a half a go he stopped taking his medication and things spiraled out of control rapidly. About a year ago it hit a breaking point and he was in and out of the psych ward 3 times in 2 months. His parents didn't seem to care, and went on vacation. His wife (not sure what was going on there, I didn't even know he was married until this all blew up. I think it was a green card marriage) wouldn't help more than once a week. and non of our mutual friends really wanted to help either, so I felt like it was all up to me. It was bad. He hadn't had a job for over a year thanks to COVID, and bills were getting tough to pay, but he would go out and make $50 purchases EVERY day (watches, cologne, etc). He bought a new phone for no reason. He invited a random homeless person into our apartment at 5 in the morning. He hopped into a random white van without knowing the driver, and I had to tail it for the next half hour. He flushed his new meds down the toilet. He was paranoid as hell, thinking he was constantly being watched. He freaked out about the weirdest things like seeing mail with his name on it and me driving behind a person with a 6 in their license plate (he crashed his car so I was his ride everywhere) both sent him into a panic. He would fight (not physically, although it was close sometimes) every time I would try and get him to return something he couldn't afford, or told the homeless person to leave, or told him to take his meds. He never paid me back for the replacement meds. He never apologized for his behavior. He never said thank you. He was my friend, co-worker, and roommate, but after three months, I'd had enough. I'd built up so much resentment towards him, that it wasn't really a friendship anymore. Him walking into the room was enough to aggravate me, and eventually he picked up on the hint and moved back with his parents. I haven't heard from him since figuring out the leasing stuff over 6 months ago. But watching this video was super helpful and relatable. I didn't handle it perfectly, but I think it validated a lot of the feelings I had during and after the process. I don't think I ever forgave myself for being resentful towards him. Patience is one of the things I think I'm best at, and I'd finally found my limit. But I did what I could to try and get him to help himself, and when he no longer did his part to maintain the friendship, I ended it. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad for that...

[@beric0bartman]

I recently separated with a girlfriend of 7 years, we got together really young, but we had a good thing going(or so i thought) At times it was rough, but i've never known anything else in my life then rough patches. I only realised about a year ago that i was actually despressed, and not just a sad trash human all the time for no reason, it was really hard to seek help, but she helped me take the first steps. I've been on waiting lists for months now, being sent to and fro by different organizations and it's been very difficult doing this without her. But i understand now that our relationship was not healthy, even though I loved her more then anything in the world I can see that it was not a good thing for her and not fair to expect from anyone either.

[@ninafitzgeraldgraham5360]

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 yrs and he's been depressed more than 7 or 8 yrs. When we started going out I struggled a lot with feeling too responsible for his emotions and there was definitely a level of co-dependency for the first year. Thankfully however I think we got past that and worked our way towards a healthier balance. Even with healthy communication and better relationship structure the symptoms of his mental illness, such as low sex drive and low levels of self care, are taking a toll romantically and I don't know what to do. I love him so much

[@TheGlenerd2]

I was in a similar situation of my ex for 1 and half yrs. She suffered from bipolar, ocd and substance abuse. And I felt the same way as you. Sometimes, you have to draw the line. So that's what I did eventually. I loved her very much, but seeing herself cut herself, take opiates, complusively smoke weed, I couldn't take it anymore. You can only enable it, and encourage them to get help but at the end of the day they need to get help for themselves. And with my ex, I had no hope unfortunately. It was a tough decision but you need to do whats best for you if its causing you to burnout. I was miserable, and only after a couple weeks of breaking up with her, I feel free and so much better. But every situation is different, so just talk to friends, family, anyone and see what they have to say.

[@JuiceTubes]

“We see a neurochemical imbalance in depression” first class in grad school I asked if there’s any way to detect a mental disorder physically or besides a questionnaire and the teacher said no. Love to see a source on this. And I know we can kinda detect schizophrenia most mortem with an autopsy, I’m talking when the patient is still alive.

[@lyde73]

This was absolutely impressive! The video started with me thinking "Wow that is such a shitty situation I have no idea what I could do in their place" and gradually had me realize how great your profession really is

[@undefinederror40404]

Just throwing this out there, also to save this thought for myself: From observation on myself and my peers, it seems to me like it's possible to become addicted to background sound, in the sense of playing streams, podcasts, entire shows or just music albums. Sometimes it is a relatively good coping mechanism or method of motivation, but I see that some people become unable to not have background sound and it starts to negatively affect their productivity and sleep... hm.

[@justinfarias255]

Wish this video came out a few years ago, my last relationship ended because we both had depression for our own reasons.. Just now climbing out of it. Learned so much here, thanks as always.

[@VimDoozy]

I was surprised that Dr. K described clinical depression as being a disorder that typically only lasts for about a year, and then goes away. He would know of Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia), which is chronic depression that persists for at least two years. I myself have been depressed for over a decade. It now feels as though being depressed and miserable are aspects of my personality. You can definitely be depressed for a very long time, and I don't see why you couldn't be depressed for your entire adult life. If the depression doesn't become too acute, such that it takes you out, you can still keep soldiering on; necessity and a faint whiff of hope afford surprising mileage, but you'll be in for an utterly exhausting and unrewarding ride.

[@kolacao8134]

Yeah...is like people is talking of depression like is a thing that last months or a year unless that is a special type

[@Hirotechnics]

This is very informative, and while I want to be furious that your first assessment was that the gaming habit is the problem, I have to admit that you are most likely correct; I'm a gamer and love video games myself, so seeing people attack it hurts me when it's something that I myself love so much. Keep making great content, I personally loved this video.

[@Netbase2000]

This dual diagnosis explaination makes total sence in my situation. I'm never feeling good and constantly try to leave reality

[@actpianocover6329]

Oh my gooooooodddddd this video is the best timing for me. My partner keeps having suicidal thoughts and seeing that title feels like a big help since idk how to deal with it. Hvnt watch the entire vid rn but i know this gonna help me. Edit: ok...the case was quite different with mine but there are definitely some infos that can help with my situation. Thanks so much Dr. K

[@luckypeanut9943]

Comfort is the largest obstacle we must overcome before we can improve ourselves, relationships are the easiest excuse for comfort we can have

[@lilaluna8922]

For me it's the other way around. I'm the one being depressed and I would like to figure out what to tell my boyfriend on what he can do. It seems to be so upsetting to him to see me like this and even more upsetting if I have a very bad day and do not only struggle to all the things I should do but literally can't do anything. He always tries to push me to at least go for a walk with him and most times I do but sometimes I can't. I don't want him to be responsible for me and I do as much household as I am capable of. Most days this ends up in him doing about 3/4 of the work which makes me feel bad. It's so unfair towards him. The worst thing is, he is constantly asking me what he can do and I just don't know. I try telling him, that him just being there makes things way better but he doesn't seem to believe me since he can't see me when he is not around and he "can't do anything". Any advice on what to tell him, to make those times easier for him?

[@emiknapheide1817]

Well I am on the other side and what I need is some kind of hope. I know that is probably hard for a depressed person to give, but that can also just be hope in form of little things.

[@lilaluna8922]

What would give you hope?

[@emiknapheide1817]

@@lilaluna8922 Well in my case it would be something I know he is able to do that shows me he still cares about me. Or just giving life signals that he is still there. Like what Dr. K. said, if he is willing to do the thing he is able to do, that kinda gives me hope. In my case it's like writing me. Or in Dr K. case it would be being present in the kitchen with me. I don't know why exactly that would give me hope but it feels like we are in this together and not everything is lost. The person I love is still there. It is the illness that is debilitating, but not completely. Maybe also just being clear about what is going on reduces anxiety. I think I panic sometimes and want to help badly which stresses him. Like I don't want him to lie and say everything is okay. Just little steps in the right direction are calming already. And that can be just being honest.

[@schmumlauf]

Recovering people pleaser here - I watched this video to study for my next relationship, and I ended up hearing what I needed to hear from my last relationship. The shame from lacking infinite patience is so real. One of my go-to lines for when I'm seeing-red-and-dressing-someone-down is "Even a saint has finite patience and I am NOT a saint!" But I haven't said that in 2 years.

[@Gabster1990]

There is only so much a person can do. The depressed partner would Def need to seek a therapist.

[@vladislavkaras491]

Thank you for great video, Dr. K. Even though original stream was in january, you still found it and published it. Very great and detailed explained. Especially part, about responsibility, and taking care of someone's wellbeing. Thank you once again!

[@Chr0meHeart]

this is what im doing with my boyfriend as this is bscly the situation hes in and while things are tough, he helps me with one thing every day and i make sure to show him my appreciation and its always a good, happy moment for us. im going to start making him take me on walks a few times a week as well and see how that goes. we could both use it tbh and i should probably be a little more assertive on helping him reach his recovery goals. he became very agoraphobic after a lot of traumatic things happened to us in 2021, so forcing him out more often without making him really interact with the public right away could be beneficial i think.

[@chilanya]

Wait, normal depression lasts only a year?! what the actual f!!!? I am finding out once again I was never helped properly with my depression that lasted for 25 years.

[@Lazzil]

He mentions something about dual diagnosis. Make sure that when you focus on your depression that you also focus on the underlying issue that extends your depression.

[@vermiliondodo]

This video gave me insight into my own relationship and really helped me. Thank you, this was a great discussion.

[@cjboyo]

Omg this video is literally exactly what I needed today. The youtube algorithm is great sometimes. Also I IMMEDIATELY guessed you were a psychologist not a therapist. The vibe is very diff

[@mintee8638]

I find the idea of 'dopamine detox' (you can search for that term, though I think a better description is 'dopamine reset' or 'dopamine fatigue detox') to be a useful mindset that can help identify a cause, assuming this is the problem.

[@Licoolo]

I was in a bad state several years ago. 2 things that helped me get out of the funk: Exercise and reframing perspectives. What you can’t change on the inside, try changing on the outside. Incorporating incidental walking and light running into my day to day routine gave me the mental clarity to rethink about life circumstances. After that it was working hard to change mental focus - from internal states (this is how I feel) to external states (this is what I can do; this is how I can contribute). Learning to dissociate from emotions was a great help in taking back control of my life. The motivation to change has to come from within. To those dealing with depressed partners, don’t indulge their emotions. Give them a glimpse of what hope looks like, provide a non judgemental space for your partner to be their worse selves, and cheer them on for every tiny milestone they overcome. ❤

[@doorto6152]

That behavioral activation stuff he says around 28:00 is basically what my therapist said to me regarding my family's ability to support me. After the counselling session, my mom said, "She basically told you what we've been telling you" and I responded, "Yeah but she said it better." Which I said jokingly, but the fact it was coming from the counselor helped a lot. Because my parents would say that with frustration and other emotions. And I would hear those emotions over the practical advice.

[@luck2767]

Started watching this video in trying to see what my partner needed to do to help guide me through this and ended learning about the dual diagnostic issue and now its starting to make sense why throughout these past three years getting over my depression hasn't really worked. i haven't been working at both issues at a time. thanks again for opening my eyes dr.k

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

The hard part is where (exactly) to draw the figurative line(s)... What makes it hard is that it's NOT their fault, but (as has been said before) it's STILL their responsibility... At some point, on some level, you HAVE TO ADMIT that you are mortal. You have limits, no matter how great or noble your intentions. A dead hero doesn't save a god damn thing... SO there comes a point where you must take your OWN mental and physical well being seriously enough to get out of a toxic situation... You're not going to save someone from themselves... It doesn't work. No matter how hard or fast you run, nor how far you can get with them, there THEY are, and they'll ALWAYS be there with themselves, so it's a fool's errand to try to rescue someone from themselves... You can't save everybody... AND it's a terrible strain to sweat and work and agonize over them the whole time, while you WATCH them deteriorate. Nobody should put themselves through that, so you have to set the boundaries somewhere at some point. You HAVE to be able to protect and preserve yourself at the very least, otherwise, you're going to lose your heart and spirit to their disorder... Remember, it's THEIR condition, not yours. THEY must work on their part to manage the problem... AND while it's okay for you to look out for them, there HAS to be progress... Otherwise, you're just getting the piss taken out of you for nothing and no good reason. ;o)

[@kyokoyumi]

This is me and my fiance. Except we've been together 10 years now somehow lol I also have ADHD and GAD which doesn't help but I've gotten therapy and I'm on meds and I think I feel better? I've got a job now too so I'm getting somewhere and I think it makes her happy to see my progress no matter how slow it is. So anyone with a partner like me, don't blame yourself if they still can't accpet your kindness and love. It takes time to trust and believe especially when the voices in your head are always telling you that there's no way what you're saying can be true. Trust what they're saying. They really do love you and they really do see something great in you. You just have to see it in yourself.

[@Praecantetia]

this is the first time I heard that clinical depression ends after a year. That sounds.. nuts

[@zaclovesschool2273]

Glad she cares enough to say all of that and be considerate. In my life, people have just left without a word or not bothered at all.

[@podpoe]

im the depressed/anxious partner in my own relationship. my partner is struggling with wanting to help me but not knowing how. thanks for this vid

[@clonerstive]

Very relevant. My partner and i both suffer from mental health issues and this will help me be receiving of, and giving of, productive support

[@nmks4126]

People in chat saying they would leave him have never truly loved someone apperantly.

[@goatgillin8283]

Ive felt like shit since i was like 9. there was a time where id skip school, sleep during the day go days without showering and just play video games all night. im glad i quit doing all that and i definitely feel better than back then but its not enough. i can function properly now i get up when i need to, shower everyday, eating healthy since ive been dealing with this for like 10 years but i just constantly feel like shit. it hasn't gotten better since then and i dont think it ever will. i feel like ive tried everything. i quit playing video games for a couple years, took on new hobbies, going outside everyday, went out of my comfort zone to make new friends, ive never drank or done drugs. most of my friends notice that i always seem down and are always trying to do something about it. sure i have those days where i feel good about myself but its like 1 day every other month. ive lost multiple friends from taking my anger and frustrations out on them when i dont mean to since it just builds up. ive apologized and some forgave me and some did not. i dont know how to let it out properly. talking to myself usually helps me get through the day because i cant really talk about this with someone i know. i dont know what to do anymore. sorry if none of this makes any sense i wanted to let it out a bit since that usually helps me feel a little bit better about myself. and the fact that its anonymous makes it easier.

[@gysst]

Talking with someone about it, better regularly, really can easen the burden a bit. Especially for people who tend to keep everything inside themselves and have trouble expressing feelings Hope you will find something that makes you feel better!

[@frogperhapsyes6152]

Ofc this video comes out AFTER my partner w depression broke up w me.

[@eterofworlds6867]

What an amazing video. The last 10-15 minutes of this video Dr. K was just rattling off amazing nuggets of knowledge and advice. Glad I caught this one.

[@rasmachris94]

This is going to sound horrible. But to the reddit poster - get out. I'm a depressed man myself, but you dont have a relationship you have a co-dependent relationship where you're assuming the responsibility for his mental health. You're playing therapist to a depressed man whose problems you are taking on as baggage. It's fine to be there for people who are depressed, offer support and suggestions. But if they dont do anything actively about it - going to an actual therapist and run the work themselves you wont see any results. This will leave you frustrated, exhausted and potentially depressed if you're predisposed. And if YOU become depressed things spiral out of control. There is one thing I've never done and that's blame someone else for my mental situation when I'm not doing the work to resolve the problem. You are not responsible for anyone's mental health whether you're single, in a relationship, married or otherwise. They are.

[@jamesgentry13]

So many people give up easily on their partnes who have mental illness

[@heatherclark2701]

Lol at the people thinking one year is long. I've been the partner trying to make things work for 10 years... we've agreed to give it one more year to make it work at this point, but he's still seemingly not taking responsibility for even simple chores. There have been good times, but no discipline for the things he doesn't want to do...

[@SadFace201]

it sounds like he never took it seriously because you stuck with him for 10 years.

[@pocketsoup8338]

One year is not exactly short, it's not a competition. If nothing has changed in 10 years, this really doesnt sound healthy for either of you tbh

[@heatherclark2701]

@@pocketsoup8338 yeah not trying to make it a competition, more so just amused at the people that were in the live chat thinking it was unusual the partner even stayed for a whole year like this. Many factors keep you in the relationship- your partner promises to try medicine and needs time for it to work or they need to try many different medicines. They try therapy. They improve from an extreme low and things are better for a while. Not to mention my situation was long distance for many years and living together drastically changes things. There are just many factors most who haven't been in this position aren't aware of

[@manuelfsm]

I can't stress enough how much this video helps me

[@madnesso5882]

Thank you for this. My brother has been having a lot of seizures for a few months now (he's had them before but they were rare). He can no longer drive and recently started collage, so he feels like a burden. We both struggle with deppresion so I can only give him emotional support when my head is above the water. I often wonder if I enable his depression, as he only seems to take care of himself when I walk out for a bit. He, like me, has alway had suicidal thoughts, though, so leaving him is scary. Also, on a side note, I did not realize that the rythem with depression was a commen thing. I usually spend about 4 months below the baseline and 2 months above it, though.

[@anmedina1017]

t/w :slight mention of s**cid* Before I was officially diagnosed with depression, I had one of the worst depressive periods in my life, to the point that everything in my mind and body was debilitating, and I had suicidal thoughts almost every day. Just after a few fights, my ex became emotionally unavailable (we were in LDR); they'd rather play video games than have a simple conversation with me. I was always supportive of their hobbies, and I never asked for time & attention until then (when I really needed them). With a fucked up brain like mine, I made the wrong decision of not verbalizing my emotions to them anymore because it was apparent that I was taking away from their joy/safe place (video games and other hobbies). Like my depression was reeking out of me and travelling through the screen. Fast forward a couple weeks later, they wanted to break up with the typical "it's not you, it's me" bs. Also saying they were 'too tired to love anymore'. Another few weeks later, I find out that they were actually emotionally cheating on me from the start. So yeah, depression sucks the life of both of you, but it shouldn't be an excuse to cheat. That's just my take.

[@tme98]

But what if you don't have any addictions? I've been diagnosed with Recurrent depressive disorder, been in therapy for years and I am on medication. Therapy has worked, I'm almost never suicidal anymore. But I still struggle, and i'm unable to work. I go to the gym, I play the piano and I read - that's the limit of my life. I've been in jobs and I have been able to work for some time but it exhausts me to the point where I feel like ending my life again. So I'm unable to do more! It's not a substance abuse problem, because I don't abuse any substances. I don't even feel like playing games most of the time because I lack motivation and meaning to do so.

[@EnergizingBane]

Sounds similar to me minus the therapy and that specific diagnosis. Working was so demoralizing for me, especially in a warehouse haha

[@moramie84]

I do not know your skills, but if you are able to go self employed and take on short projects that might help you. Then you could dictate the deadlines you can take work for yourself, instead of an employer. That might help your motivation. You could work get done in shorter periods and not get exhausted. I apologize if I misunderstood your condition.

[@tme98]

@@moramie84 No need to apologize Mora, thank you for your advice! I have a problem in that regard, the moment something becomes monetary or I have to do it to make money I struggle. I also have something called "Avoidant personality disorder" and it makes me a sort of perfectionistic, which means I hold so high of a standard for my work that I get too much anxiety to actually produce. This in combination with my recurrent depression makes it very hard to function. I've met this issue in work several times, and I've tried homeschooling it's the same thing - If I study on my own (with no school) I can literally do so much! but the moment I have a deadline, and I "have" to do it, I break down into pieces.

[@kkokay4]

If you find you cant work, then you need to find work doing something you actually enjoy. When I was doing construction I absolutely hated my life. But now that Im a professional animator im much happier and fulfilled. It wasnt easy but it was worth it, and I still have days I dont enjoy but thats normal. Maybe you could be a music teacher? or a fitness coach. Ive also struggled with depression my whole life and I hope you get better! Oh also in regards to your reply about being a perfectionist. I too have been a perfectionist most of my life, and Ive come to realize, perfectionists never get good. The person who makes 10 mediocre projects improves at a much faster rate than the person who makes 1 "perfect" project. Dont be so hard on yourself when making things, instead recognize that you did something, and that alone is worth celebrating. Then do it again. Its a pretty amazing feeling when you get out of the perfectionist mindsight and focus more on the growth and how it will affect your furture. hope this helps :)

[@tme98]

@@kkokay4 Thanks a lot Patrick, that's a nice insight! I really hope I'll find the work. I really crave the feeling of mastery without the shame of failure, I want to be able to fail without it feeling like my world is collapsing! I will take this time I have "off" to try and hone my skills, even if it is passive and without a clear "professional" direction. I think I need to ease a bit on the pressure in order to actually feel if I can progress, if that makes sense. Perhaps one day I'll be able to comfortably live life like you! that's a goal.

[@oskarvnz]

This post hit to close to home. I’m the one dealing with depression and my girlfriend now wife has also been affected by it and it has also affected our relationship. Even the talking a break from college hit too close as I also took a year break because of my mental health.

[@morganfryer4831]

oh when i was depressed mine just dumped me :/

[@AllMagnus]

shes not my s/o anymore but I do hope she gets better

[@nezia4556]

According to my ex, you leave them, have sex with your best friend one day later that your boyfriend was scared of for months because he constantly saw them hang out and tell your ex partner all about it and how much better the sex was in order to hurt him as much as possible. Works wonder if you want them to never find a partner after you thanks to the immense trauma that this causes!

[@willburz220]

bruh u got cheated on it happens get over it

[@Denis-ij2lc]

@@willburz220 he didnt just get cheated on he got fucking blasted

[@GroundbreakGames]

Well to be fair being worried constantly that she was going to cheat on you with your friend is probably what ended up causing it to happen. If you don't trust someone, you should have gotten out that the moment you realized it. Either she was a shit gf from the word get or your constant mistrust and paranoia just caused her so much resentment she lashed out by making it actually come true which is common for faithful people who are constantly accused of cheating or wanting to cheat. They usually end up doing it since they have already been accused of it anyways.

[@TheShizzlemop]

@@willburz220 you're mean. and that doesnt help.

[@enthiegavoir5955]

@@willburz220 no one bother with this user, they're just a troll who thinks they're the next Norm MacDonald by being worse than useless, any response will just waste your time.