Ask A Therapist: How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

[@LoisNeggers]

I have recently realised that I shouldn't just give, give, give. I am allowed to ask for something back. And if someone is not able to give I shouldn't either. There needs to be a middle ground. And I am so glad to finally have found people where I do not need to fear them leaving me. And I do not have to cling onto them, because I know that they will care even if I don't give, give, give. And it is such a relief and everything Jonathan said in the video resonates with this. And I hope this can help people. Thank you Jonathan!

[@barbelarmbroster6524]

Welcome to the club! We are worthy! of respect and attunement! 🤗🥰

[@MelchVagquest]

8:43 I loved this quote about fear of drowning in a sea of loneliness. I added it to my Notes

[@trinaq]

Thanks, Jonathan. I've been afraid to pursue relationships in the past, as I fear getting hurt, but I'm gradually trying to put myself out there.

[@MendedLight]

Love that you are showing that strength and resilience! It is difficult to pick ourselves up and keep going when we know we have been hurt before, but I love that you are out there trying. What has been most helpful in encouraging yourself to hold that resilience? 💜🌿

[@jessicapinto3817]

Thebonly thing I would do differently is replace "loving yourself" to "accepting yourself" because I get the impression from people who don't love themselves, don't know what love is. It's too vague/ambiguous a term to make it a goal. I learned to accept my forgetfulness, I learned to accept my insecurities. I also fot diagnosed with ADHD, but the CBT we did was more focussed on my severe insecurity, rather my ADHD as most symptoms resolved itself with this method.

[@linzermusik]

I read the person's question differently. I thought they were saying that they struggle because they expect other people to do things to make them feel better about themselves, and that they want to stop this reassurance-seeking behavior. How would you address that question? Thanks for the great videos!

[@isaac_paech]

Hey Jonathan, I was the one who asked the first question you answered. Thanks so much for including it in this video! Feeling as though I don't deserve to have my needs met was partially fueled by the poor reception of a close friend's reaction to me expressing those needs to them and instead of meeting those needs they accused me of asking for too much of them. You can probably see how easy it was for me to feel like it was my fault for putting myself first, but you mentioned an important point that that reaction is a reflection of them not me.

[@MendedLight]

Isaac, thank you for submitting the question! I'm sorry to hear you went through an experience like that, but I am so glad my answer was able to help even just a little bit. Keep shining!

[@pinkitten1712]

Can’t wait for avoidant

[@xEllieRose]

You have no idea how topical this is for my life. I'm able to draw boundaries with those not close to me no problem but when it comes to my needs being met with my closer relationships I just assume it'll be too much for them to do, it won't be done in the way it'd need it to, so I figure it's not worth it. I do suffer with depression as well and I know I don't like myself simply because I don't want to exist. I've just been taking it one day at a time for 10 years trying to navigate these feelings and trying to get past these hurdles.

[@NobodyListensToCasandra]

Absolutely awesome advice!

[@MendedLight]

Glad it was helpful! 💜

[@oikawasmilkbread6742]

Great timing

[@MendedLight]

Thanks! Hope it's helpful! 💜🌿

[@juliazollinger8941]

Tetris-I hope this catches on. In therapy today we were looking for a different word to describe boundaries that didn’t sound so rejectiony/bossy. I think calling it Tetris would focus more on bringing people closer together while giving people the space that they individually need. Boundaries are about allowing people to be closer.

[@tanadarko6991]

I've been on a very intensive journey towards self-acceptance. Not quite ready to work on self-love ... it was hard enough to work on self-acceptance! With a therapist! It's weird how difficult it is. For ages an affirmation felt like I was having acid thrown on me.

[@kongspeaks4778]

I always choose my self-worth over chasing people who aren't reciprocating. I have great boundaries. I always let go in a mature and respectful way...but I still struggle with sadness and anger about it for a long time. I don't know, does this imply I'm not as secure as I thought I am?

[@soulstealer82]

i'm 42 and still have a fear of abandonment which is why i try not to get close to anyone anymore

[@bowtiesrcoolmonksrnot3272]

Do you have any advice for becoming okay on your own long term?

[@EdenSLucf]

I am recovering from this, but took me a long time. I gave up so much, that trust is lost.

[@brianhotaling5849]

Why are your bookcases empty???

[@SaucyJTD]

Based on the videos, I'm thinking it's a newer space still. They don't strike me as people who just blindly fill bookcases, so I'm willing to bet that they're slowly finding books to put back there 😊.

[@pibavalente]

Is it possible to have an anxious attachment style without it being related to inconsistency from caretakers? And how aboyt the people pleasing aspect? I usually identify myself ad anxiously attached, but definitely fo not relate to thise two

[@pibavalente]

Oh you definitely answered the first one already

[@paximilian4037]

Is there a difference between anxiety and anxious attachment or are they related?

[@Alina-dw2lg]

I am searching for the people who when I give them love reciprocate (c)