Avoidant attachment: how to get close without losing freedom

#attachmentstyles #attachmenttrauma #selfcompassion #toxicrelationships #drruthannharpur #avoidantattachmentstyle #avoidantattachment #secureattachment #attachmentstyles #attachmenttrauma #
You might develop an avoidant attachment style if your experiences in relationships lead you to fear losing yourself in a relationship or being overwhelmed by the needs and emotions of another person.
The good news is that scientific evidence suggests that our attachment patterns do change over time and it is possible to nurture more secure relationships patterns even after major abuse and betrayal.
There are some practical ways you can start today in order to foster a more secure approach to relationships if you recognise yourself as someone with an avoidant attachment style.
If you'd like to learn more about attachment styles after abusive relationship then check out this video on "The truth about your attachment style after abuse":
• The truth about your a...
And if you'd like to find out how to overcome a more anxious attachment style, check out this video:
• HOPE for people with a...
******************************************************************************
FREE EXERCISE TO HELP YOU BUILD SELF COMPASSION AFTER ABUSE
If you'd like my help to start building self compassion after abuse click here:
ruth-ann-harpur.mykajabi.com/...
******************************************************************************

[@stjameshamat]

This is what I needed to hear. I get overwhelmed by other people's take on this topic. Yours seems so rational, encouraging and approachable. Thank you.

[@drruthannharpur]

You're welcome and thank you for this lovely feedback 🙏

[@amandaforrester7636]

I'm pretty sure I'm fearful avoidant. Different partners trigger an anxious or an avoidant reaction. It's odd because I have always thought of myself as anxious but I am starting to see avoidant tendencies.

[@johnkarl8921]

Brilliant message to a dismissive avoidant ❤I watched another of your videos earlier. I had to walk away from my dismissive avoidant after trying to get her to relate, communicate but she had high covert narcissist traits and absolutely nothing I did pleased her, giving her all the space she wanted didn't work.Being supportive and loving didn't work. Trying to talk about the difficulties in the relationship only created an angry , denial and blaming response. It was like she'd expect me to work harder and harder to please her . I'm sure she enjoyed the drama, the breakups, the fun of the chase and the push away again cycles. It attacks your self esteem and self identity . I left for good.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for watching and glad you were able to get out of a relationship with these dynamics.

[@laughia7311]

You're really good. So many self-help gurus are obviously just trying to meet the metrics of success. As such, they're just sensationalists. You are succinct and to the point, and don't clutter your advice with too many examples or too much information. You've nailed this problem and given practical advice without making people overthink it.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for this! What lovely feedback🙏

[@emilyb5557]

Transparency and context makes a big difference and is something avoidants dont naturally do when communicating decisions ahd plans.

[@drruthannharpur]

True! It's something people with avoidant tendencies may need to get better at if they want to enjoy better relationships! It can go a long way in helping a more anxious person feel cared about.

[@boospastlifedestiny3023]

Thank you so much for this informative video! Called me right out there sis 😀 I used to be an extreme anxious type, then swung to this end of the spectrum after a bad breakup + psychoanalysing my history... wondered why I had the urge to burn so many bridges in the past year or so! This helped me understand my tendencies, as well as tips for better communication (: keep going sis, you're doing some great work here!

[@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE]

I wanted my ex husband to hang out with his friends and go shooting or watch football but he started isolating himself with me. 😡 It's like they want to cling harder.

[@drruthannharpur]

The more you push away, the more some people will cling - it's not a good dynamic for either party tbh.

[@saharaofthedeep]

Idk I feel like I really do wanna share my own emotions and needs with others but they rarely show a willingness to listen, and that's why it's hard to open up, and it's hard to listen to the feelings of others because they don't take the time to listen to mine and they just want me to be a caretaking robot they can dump on. Not a flawed human with pain and insecurities. I push people away because they mistreat and devalue me and then I'm left feeling lonely and isolated over just having the most basic boundaries of autonomy. It's really not like how you're saying at all.

[@drruthannharpur]

Thank you for commenting and I'm sorry to hear your experiences. A short video like this can only give some general suggestions and pointers that people may find helpful. It certainly cannot apply to any and all situations. For any relationship to flourish, both people need to be willing to take care of each other. If one party isn't then it may not matter what you do.

[@emilyb5557]

Hi, it sounds like maybe your more in the fearful avoidant category. Trying to reach out and connect but feeling hurt and pushing away, so you push and pull. It's horrible and confusing. I've found Thais Gibson Personal development school videos on this so helpful and joined the community. It's totally changed things for me. Have a look at some of the FA videos see if they fit for you more than this one.

[@chrisanthemum7]

Right?!?! I was literally about to make a comment because I don't feel like my trauma came from anything but actually interacting with humans lol. My parents were total green flags for the most part. So it's really been hard to even identify myself in these videos when everything starts with the parents. But I'm clearly an avoidant. Is it not possible to just pop out this way? Because I feel like people have been draining me since I was like, in first grade.

[@drruthannharpur]

@@chrisanthemum7 There's some evidence that there's a genetic component to attachment style. An anxious or avoidant attachment style isn't a mental illness or pathological and attachment style isn't set in childhood. Our attachment patterns evolve throughout life. You might find this video interesting: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z3LKiaWapZh_m5o

[@Chaos468]

This is how I feel, or they aren’t respected in the end anyway and they blame you for them crossing those boundaries…

[@Misticaquantica]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@raisingarrows127_4]

I don't think any avoidance are clicking on these videos about relationships. I think people who have been rejected abused and neglected by avoidant attachments in relationships are clicking on these videos. My husband would never ever look into himself or try to be better or try to heal or try to be accountable or try to be more self-aware lol. Because he's been avoidance and he avoids accountability he avoids intimacy He avoids emotions he avoids responsibility He literally avoids everything.

[@fightswithspirits915]

All true. LDR ladies with NPD/BPD can get me in an LDR, but those aren't relationships. Those are games I got pulled into willingly. Dating a young lady now who is a promiscuous heroin addicted liar. It's interesting to observe. She stopped seeing other men the same week she had already been with 4 men. I told her to keep doing whatever she was doing. Later she said she is craving men again. I said go ahead and get men. Then she says she want to have sex with the separated husband. I tell her that's not so uncommon, go ahead. She stated at the beginning to not have expectations of her. That's narc talk for you will be brainwashed and compliant with full expectations to comply.

[@Fefe559]

U don’t need the music