01 - Understanding Developmental Trauma - The Connection Survival Style

[@Merzui-kg8ds]

This hour video was like a year of therapy condensed. Dr May's generosity astonishes me.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Awh, thanks, Merzui! 🙏💕

[@roximama]

As someone with a pretty damn wonky stack of pennies that somehow defies gravity, I have to tell you that you nailed it. My survival tactic was to disassociate from my feelings and go head first and head strong wherever life took me. I'm 54 now and I cried when I watched this. A breast cancer diagnosis in 2020 led to a double mastectomy, hysterectomy, thyroid removal and the discovery an undetected birth defect in my spine (that will leave me disabled for the rest of my life) forced me to stop and REALLY look at myself for the first time ever. I couldn't bury myself in work to hide from myself anymore. I buried myself in spirituality though, lol. Funny thing is, if someone is truly spiritual they HAVE to face these parts of themselves because this is called chakra clearing. So, now when the memories come up I let myself feel them. I nurture and parent my inner child/ego because that's what should have happened years ago. I say parent because you also have to tell your inner child that one donut is enough or it's time to go outside and play in nature to get some exercise rather than wallow in memories all the time. If you don't acknowledge and comfort that part of yourself your stack of pennies will eventually fall. Thank you for making me cry and reminding me of how far I've come. I also want to let others know that you CAN straighten your penny stack. It doesn't have to be wonky forever. ❤

[@roximama]

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure the health issues on top of the pandemic hit my stack of pennies like a tornado so I'm building a new, much more stable stack now.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about some of the suffering you've experienced, medically and emotionally. But I'm glad this video was able to help you at least in some small way. Wishing you healing and many blessings

[@yasminazab4892]

Thank you so much for the clarity you afford us to be more aware of the core causes of our issues and how to heel them ❤❤

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much! Glad to help! 🙏❤️

[@pauline9490]

Thank you for this video. Itˋs such a relief, especially the nameless fear thing. How many times have I been asked by my therapist what I'm afraid of and what I imagine could happen. I couldn't say it, it was always so vague. And it was so frustrating not to be understood and not get any help. I am so incredibly grateful for this video.🙏

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Glad to hear! 🙏

[@Stopnormalizingviolence]

I just listened to this for the 3rd or 4th time. It's so relatable, and a lot to process. You pack so much helpful material in your videos and I'm very grateful to you for making these. Thank you Dr. May. 🙏

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Awh, thanks so much! Glad to help! 🙏✨

[@lechatleblanc]

i literally gave up on the entire world of psychology until i found this channel....none of it seemed to apply to me or offer me any help until u explained it ! thank u... i didnt even know i was so mentally ill until finding u. i thot i was just normal, and this was just life and it couldnt be any better .

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Awh, wow… I’m glad you didn’t give up and found some info that captured your experience! There is always room for us to learn, grow, and build a better life. I wish the best for you in your journey. ❤️

[@june29378]

I think you're a great lecturer and I like the straightforward and informative approach. I felt so seen and it almost made me uncomfortable despite being continents and screens away haha. Thank you for the resources and ideas at the end. Most of the time people don't give such guidance. I researched and made my own list, but this allowed me to see what I was missing and gave me some new resources and what to ask to focus on in therapy when I can try therapy again. Very helpful.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much! I appreciate your kind words and feedback. 🙏❤️

[@clarezhao1841]

Thank you much Dr.May, your sharing and teaching has greatly enriched my trauma work and ED work.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

So glad to hear! Thanks for letting me know. 👍🏻💕

[@mestephanie6076]

Nameless dread. This really resonates with me. My life is reasonably secure with full-time employment, a secure marriage, financial stability, dreams and goals set both individually and with my husband that we are working towards, and family that is trying... yet I cannot escape a feeling of fear. I've just started taking Effexor - two months in - and even still the underlying fear - cannot breathe into happiness - feeling safe - is not there.... I exercise every day and eat a reasonably healthy diet (no fish and meat) and do not drink or take drugs - still the feeling of fear will not let me settle into a relaxed state of well-being. I listen to the Calm app every day - seeping in the messages of mindfulness - yet fear still clings in my chest. A deep unsettling within me... that finds it difficult to attach to my life that I have so much to be grateful for. My mind also clings to constant hypervigilance - hyperarousal (?) - finding something to warn me about. If it's not one thing (once that thing it was warning me about isn't a problem) - it then finds something else to worry and constantly think about. So difficult to settle. It is like my mind is addicted to worry - always on the lookout for a problem to protect me from. I'm not sure how this ties into my BPD and HPD diagnoses, but it is there - this nameless dread. I am going to ask my therapist about it in our next session. Maybe I am mistaken and what I am experiencing is something else, but nameless dread truly seems to fit. Thank you again, Dr. May. You know your stuff and I am so grateful for these videos and sharing your knowledge.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks Stephanie! I'm glad this video helped you to better understand your experience. ❤

[@mestephanie6076]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 There is a lot of truth in how healing - moving towards living an authentic life - is like peeling back layers - and doesn't happen overnight.... one step at a time... one day at a time... one moment at a time.... then one step forward and five steps back to put another step forward, again... 🌼💛☀🌻

[@Be1More]

thank you. you pull together a lot of therapy understanding.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

You’re very welcome! 🙏

[@lindaksf]

I watched the whole thing. So so good!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much! ❤️🙏

[@AlexandraClements]

Incredibly informative and validating - thank you.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much! Glad it was helpful! 🙏

[@zhshsG7]

As per your tip, I watched the video, and I have to say it resonates heavily. I am undergoing therapy too for the past 6 months and this hits right at home. Thank you for posting such an extensive research on youtube.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Glad it was helpful. I appreciate you letting me know. Best of luck in your therapy and personal journey.

[@dylanmaxey2531]

Thank you for this, you taught simply the weirdness of being a preemie, 7 months with a cleft palate-feeding issues, in 1963 when touch was not a consideration to most medical systems. The prevailing thought was what happened to a child before age 5yo the child will not remember or be affected by things. I joked that my infancy taught me to just shut down, ignore future trauma events. That reaction was atypical for many with PTSD, took my until age 54 to finally receive a cPTSD dx due how innate my hiding reactions from the world while maintaining the social, happy mask.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

I’m sorry to hear about your early developmental traumas. Shutting down is certainly a logical and sometimes life-saving strategy that many people develop. I hope some of your insights will be helpful in your healing. ❤️‍🩹

[@dylanmaxey2531]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Honestly your video has helped! I'm recent to the VA system, which puts the community based treatments available to shame, using the information you taught allowed me to talk with my providers who ordered an in-depth psych eval to determine best treatment options after a highly unexpected negative reaction to an in-patient treatment program.. In past I minimized the pre-verbal incidents but the innate drive for spiritual life sited made me laugh in recognition because I was always seeking deeper spiritual paths and was a postulate to become a Carmelite nun when my mental issues overwhelmed me (learned I am highly dissociative also-yikes). This made me feel less *odd* and gives me a way to understand myself, self advocate and to work with my treatment team within the VA mental health system offered within my Vet Hospital.

[@NoxiousWhat]

That penny analogy is interesting; I use the same one with a tree. The earlier you "nudge" a tree, the more likely it is that the tree ends up skewing in a certain direction, with risk of it breaking.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Cool. I like that one too!

[@kated9853]

Fantastic Phenomenal!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Awh, thank you 🙏

[@AnthonyL0401]

Wow, I am like 5 minutes in and I already heard something that blew my mind. And I have studied this for a while as a means of self-help. 5:00 Hyperaroused vs Hypoaroused. I have never heard this distinction, but I have struggled with the phenomenon for my whole conscious life. Vacillating back and forth, each side leading me to different behavior patters and focuses. One moment I am about controlling everything, other moments I am about being at peace with life as a means of controlling. lol

[@annaf9821]

I love your videos! They have helped me more than anything else (including therapy from professionals). Thank you very much for your clear and well explained information ❤❤❤

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much! You made my day! I'm so glad that my videos have been helpful to you. Many blessings. 🙏💓

[@daniw.5481]

This is such an amazing overview to help get clarity on what's what and where to go from there. Thank you, truly - I wish you'd be available for practice sessions!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much! Glad it helped! 🙏💕

[@edinam5464]

So much knowledge, thank you ❣️

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you 🙏

[@elsewherehouse]

33:33 - 33:43! ALMOST VERBATIM! When I heard these things, my eyes started leaking! I have thought these thoughts to often to number!!!!

[@davidbradley4305]

Great job !

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you 🙏 😊

[@damevic8011]

Doctor, I want to tell you thank you. I have to learn this before I look for a partner.. so I can learn myself!! Thank you!!!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

You're welcome! Best of luck with your own healing and future relationships. 💕

[@Noob10983]

Interesting. Good video 😊

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you 🙏

[@anitat9727]

Thank you so much

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

You’re welcome! 🙏

[@isabellerivest4557]

Thank you, this helps so much!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks! Glad to hear!

[@interstellar3.14]

just wanna thank you for your consistently amazing and well informed content.....that said i've tried to watch this video probably 25x and only made it all the way thru once.....which was a long time ago....have tried to rewatch it probably 2 dozen times and cant get past 10 min without dissociating into the void or switching (i'm part of a DID system) and then i blackout and come back 15 min later with 0 clue what you said. would be funny if it wasnt sad. ADHD isnt helping me out here one bit either (and yes they can and do co-occur sometimes.) suffice it to say i am pretty sure consistently failing to follow this video due to dissociating right around the "hated babies" section if not sooner......yea i think this pretty much pegs our system. the following video is very accurate too.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Hi there, thanks for watching. Would it help to start the video somewhere after the triggering part or to maybe watch small bite sized parts at a time (then maybe take a break and watch something pleasant)? Maybe that will make it more tolerable so that you can stay present and avoid being overwhelmed.

[@interstellar3.14]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 i keep thinking that exact thing but yea.. stupid stubborn headmate(s) keep insisting we "should" be able to watch it all the way thru if we did that one time.... and just was stubborn & refused to let me skip anything. And im well im in the same brain and thus equally damn stubborn. Lol. So ima try telling them straight up that you said it was okay to do that. And idk....see what happens. I guess if we werent so stubborn in here we wouldnt still be alive at 40.....so its got its good points. Thanks for writing back! =) its freaking amazing when someone actually gives a damn about the humans they make the content for. Including the systems

[@happygucci5094]

Just a suggestion Dr.- Throwing out the term “rape” is deeply triggering for some of us that are survivors of sexual violence/assault. Please bear this in mind. Thank you. I am thankful for the detailed breakdown of these concepts.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you for your feedback. I apologize if I inadvertently triggered you. Do you have a suggestion for another way to reference the topic in a less triggering way?

[@happygucci5094]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Using terms like sexual assault or victims/ perpetrators of sexual violence. Thank you for the response- to hear the word “ rape” is really hard to listen to.

[@jeffdunmore5283]

How do you parent a 15 years old child with connection survival style when as his mother, I also have this survival style….being 52, I’ve starting initialing work with somatic experiencing relating to attachment trauma. I’ve done a lifetime of self reflection and get messages from the universe or my intuition that has eased the feeling of being in the trenches of the depths of the abyss. I am also empathic and I realize that my own internal work towards balance and inner peace will be key in being able to model trust and connection with others in a titrated healthy way.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Hi there, Thanks for writing. There is no simple answer to your question, but I think you've taken a really positive step by starting somatic experiencing therapy, which can be really helpful. I'm admittedly not a big expert on parenting. But in general, I'd say that the more you work on yourself, the better you can be at being there for your son in an effective and healthy way. And if you have the same issue (and he's aware of it as well), maybe it would be a positive connecting experience to work on building coping skills and resources together. And since I don't know you, so I can be off in this recommendation (and you can let me know if I am and clarify your concern). But one thought I had based on your note is to work on establishing a greater somatic sense of boundaries. It can be a blessing to be open to intuition and the spiritual realm, but people who are too open in those areas (often self-described as "empaths") sometimes struggle with boundaries in relationships (including parent-child relationships), tending to let in too much (which can create the angst of feeling everyone else's feelings), rescue, and caretake (thinking that if others feel better, I'll feel better). It might also be hard to sort out which emotions and needs belong to you and which belong to the other person, which can lead to conflict. If you find a way to be more solid within yourself and more clearly able to tell when you want connection and when you need alone time, the better you will be at being able to communicate your need for closeness and distance clearly. (When we're less clear, we tend to act out in more extreme ways to bring people close or push them away.) You can work on this with your therapist, but if you want additional resources, I also have a sensorimotor psychotherapy video series on my channel, and one of the videos is "SP - 19 - a somatic sense of boundaries," which offers some techniques on how to do this. Another related video is in the "5 developmental movements and their psychological significance" series about the "pushing" skill. Again, let me know if I'm on target or totally off base... If I got it wrong, let me know, and I'll try again! Dr. May

[@juliekull]

Interesting information about compromised energetic boundaries. Wondering if persons with HSP tend to have compromised energetic boundaries?

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Great observation… and yes, I would agree that highly sensitive people would tend to have compromised energetic boundaries. 👍🏻

[@gwho]

having the background dread is hell on earth.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Yes, it can be.

[@Dd94949]

Nameless dread = I did not receive a secure attachment in infancy ie. A consistent sense from my caregiver that the world is a benevolent and safe place, so I unconsciously carry with me "implicit physiological memory" that I need to feel unsafe in the world to protect myself. However, we live in a modern society where we are not actually constantly under threat (Saber tooth tigers are extinct), so I will "invent" a fear of elevators for myself so I don't feel crazy. Because otherwise, I would feel a sense of dread without cause, and experience myself as crazy. Meanwhile, it's that I am a social animal, living in a social world, but my early experiences taught me not to trust or rely others. And in so doing I may also have internalized a sense that I can't trust or rely on myself either. ie. life is a frightening experience, not a benevolent one.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Good insights, Dan! 🙏💕

[@Dd94949]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I was diagnosed with social anxiety in my early 20s. My therapist gave me a book about it. "Dying of embarassment". It helped, but it didn't unpack any of this childhood stuff. I'm not sure I could have taken it in then...but this idea of intergenerational trauma and the passing down of a "state of mind" regarding attachment is so profound. My grandparents, all 4 of them, were pretty messed up. My mom and dad, did not have a solid foundation to walk on. I was lucky. My parents walked, and tripped, and fell sometimes, maybe often, but they managed to walk. It's actually amazing considering what they lived through. But doing this work of unpacking "what i didn't get" in childhood, how can I give that to myself now?, how can I seek it from a partner?, and just how essential a decent relationship with our emotions is to our well being, is priceless. I do wonder, what if a different book was put in my hands at 22? Or 2 books instead of 1? I'm 15 years and 2 more bad relationships in the future now. But oh well...we learn when we learn. Can't change it. Need to stay open.

[@Dd94949]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 have you done any videos on fragmentation and IFS work? It seems like you have really good knowledge. I'm interested in this work, but it also seems like a lot!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

I have a few on "parts." One is called "Parts of Self," and it was based on Janina Fisher's work. The other is "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 'Parts of Self'," which was based on something I found in a schema therapy book. I have since studied IFS a lot more, but I haven't made a video specifically on their concepts--although I like them a lot.

[@lechatleblanc]

lol pre occupied with my weight, nose and fluffy hair here lolllll... not kidding... these are three complaints i have, and my razor thin ankles which make my calves look enormous from behind lol

[@elsewherehouse]

Is there an audiobook available about the Connection Survival Style ?

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

I just looked on Amazon and there are audio books through Audible for the Healing Developmental Trauma book (which has a chapter on the connection survival style) and the newest book by the same author called The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma.

[@elsewherehouse]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Thanks. Do you have any suggestions for those that are 'stuck' in this style/type? Few things are 'relatable', but this really really resonates.

[@elsewherehouse]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Please continue making videos! It's great that you're sharing this!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

There are lots of things that could help, although the kinds of things I'd suggest would be tailored to the individual who I'd be working with. If you'd want to ask a more specific question relating to yourself, you can email me at [e-mail], and I'll get back to you with a few ideas.

[@elsewherehouse]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 Are you on Facebook Messenger by any chance

[@gwho]

these four survival styles just sound like different names for the four attachment styles. are they not?

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

There are similarities, but they are pretty distinct and can help add to your understanding of yourself and others. That’s why I chose to do a separate series on the developmental trauma styles to supplement my series on the 4 attachment styles.

[@iuliia8051]

I am Ukrainian and I was just talking to my mom about my grandma, who’s a child of war (term used in Ukraine for kids born before or during the war) and my great grandmother, who was a child of war too (she survived 2 wars and the famine). My great grandma somehow managed to maintain her mental health for 86 years but my grandma had extreme paranoia that ended in schizophrenia. My generation had it ‘fun’ too with the USSR falling apart, major default, revolutions, Chernobyl and now, war again. I am 35 and I have MS. It’s not such a common disease but somehow I know quite a few people who have it as well. I feel so sorry for current generation and the next 3-4 generations because what war does to a person’s mentality and psyche is so horribly destructive, and I’ve met these three generations and I’m 4th and now history is repeating itself. It’s constant fear.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you for sharing your experience. You and your family have sure been through a lot of hardships and traumas through the generations. I wish you much peace and healing. 💕

[@ESOTERISMOYREALIDADES53]

I sense this a s HSP-we feel others energy-

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Yeah, it seems related to the “highly sensitive person” concept for sure.

[@Troy-ol5fk]

Please add chapters

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Yes, if I get a chance!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

I will if I get a chance!

[@jeffdunmore5283]

Jeff is my husband…his account

[@carolgerber6375]

This was stressful just listening to it. The inflection and tone of voice and drama cause me to not listen after about 5 minutes.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks?

[@BeastModeMusic.Guitar]

awesome series... thank you!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks 🙏