04 - Understanding Developmental Trauma - The Autonomy Survival Style

[@Dd94949]

I got so good at putting other's needs before my own that I stopped knowing who I was or what I needed. A few years have past now and I feel more in touch with myself and what I need, but I still struggle with "should I tell people?" There is a fear and doubt that if I say what I want, it won't go well. But at least this is much better than having no needs at all and no sense of self. Now I feel like I'm in a place where I can negotiate my needs with others, and their needs. That's what intimacy is. A recognition that we all should have needs and we should also all have boundaries. And the way we show up for each other is by honoring both at the same time - my needs and my boundaries, and your needs and your boundaries. But it takes a certain amount of self awareness for both people to show up in this way. The cool thing is that if one person starts to do this, sometimes it will be met by the other person, and then a reinforcing cycle of trust can begin (earned secure attachment).

[@Dd94949]

Last comment! A healthy relationship is one in which we can say what we want while at the same time, being ok with hearing "no". Permission to "ask" and to "say no" (or yes for that matter) are key. We meet each other's needs when we are able to, and when we can't, we meet our own needs. With this dynamic, we find balance. The problem happens when someone chronically doesn't meet our needs, or when we chronically don't meet our own needs. We need to pursue both independence and connection at the same time with heart and vigor in order to find a sense of wholeness. "I am me, but I am also we." It's both at the same time.

[@verfassungspatriot]

Beautifully put! 👍 When someone chronically doesn't meet our needs, there's still the possibility of getting compassion from them, if they recognize our disappointment. Which is a need in and of itself, but honestly felt compassion is some kind of a rescuer, when a need isn't met. ❤️ (sorry for my bad English, I hope you get my point)

[@colleenstudio]

Thank you Dr. May. I got a new therapist yesterday who mentioned that my autonomy was undermined. After 30 years in therapy that was a first. My immediate response was to Google and KZbin and I found YOU. THANK YOU. I have been frozen/stuck since 6th grade with moments of relief and your video definitely got me started thinking about all this and now how to get better. I had no idea this was the problem and I've been searching and searching. I really appreciated it!!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Oh wow! Glad to hear this video helped give you some insights! Thanks for sharing! 🙏❤️

[@colleenstudio]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 So I wanted to share a little more about it. I do a lot of this kind of work for myself for years in therapy, KZbin, whatever I can do. I always either feel like I'm either in cement or speeding around or not functioning well. It would slightly go away but would constantly show up when i tried to move ahead and I would sabotage my efforts. It got to the point that I couldn't move at all and I was in a complete financial and health ruin and couldn't move - like bad for several months and I was going to be evicted - UNTIL I saw this. I felt like I was doing it to myself but when I actually saw this video it helped me to see it as "outside" of myself and not as a character flaw which it was was the whole reason I couldn't move. I realized if it's something GOOD for me I've been conditioned to freeze and not move forward. Maybe if you did a series on how this goes with self sabotage it would resinate with others. I know I have a friend who is so clueless but calls it self sabotage and doesn't see it as what I see it now as I Do. Isn't the brain amazing! thanks again

[@Dd94949]

The narcissistic "extension of self" parent and "feels abandoned guilt inducing parent" make me think of overt and covert narcissism. In both cases they're putting their own needs ahead of the child, as opposed to seeking a balance of needs (or in the case of children, validating their needs while also retaining the ability to say "no in a loving way").

[@naomizmiti]

Thank you, this has been very helpful for me

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you 🙏

[@daniellee5413]

Thank you very much for this video :) You have exactly described my experience. I spend weeks and months in bed because I am unable to make choices. I have been meditating a lot for 6 years which makes me more aware but doesn't seem to change anything. I have no idea what I want to do. I have ideas and it doesn't take long before I start doubting them and thinking I should be doing something else. Basically my ongoing internal message is 'You're doing it wrong, you did that wrong, you're going to do it wrong.' I'm going to watch your 'identifying our needs' video now. I feel like that could maybe help. Thank you 🙏

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I hope these videos help give you some ideas about working on issues with indecision and doubt. Best of luck with everything. Let me know how things go! 🙏❤️

[@daniw.5481]

oMG, I was doubling over with tears and laughter at how accurate this all is (esp. the thing about asking for advice and then feeling even more pressure!) - I read the book years ago but this video was such a great reminder with lots of new insights. Thank you so much!

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks so much… I really appreciate your comments and glad the video gave you a few “aha” moments. 🙏💕

[@RevertofAllah]

Very well done and clear. Thank you.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you 🙏

[@rewakaur7375]

Thank you for the video Dr. May🤍

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

You’re welcome! Thanks for watching! 💕

[@davidbradley4305]

Excllent video ! very well summarized

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thanks, Dave!

[@Merzui-kg8ds]

Very confusing that the "new pattern" that is suggested on the "Projecting Pressure" slide does not indicate a new behavior for the autonomy person, but for the friend (whom we have no control over).

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Yes, I see your point. I guess the intermediary step for the person with the autonomy survival style would be to tell the other person what you would like from them, kind of like I hinted at that a little bit on one slide, where I wrote: “What should I do?” (OR tell the person you only want them to listen and be a sounding board rather than give advice.) But if I were to do it over, I would make that more specific.

[@lukabunic]

thank you , very clear...

[@TricaudaeStudio]

Here's the hardest part, though - what if the people you ask to be sounding boards just continue to give you advice, even if you tell them not to? My personally biggest issue is other people pushing their own agendas on to me even when I say 'no'. I have to interact with these people on a daily basis, and it is wearing me down to the bone. I just can't take the stress of being pushed by others, especially when I'm already so sensitive to it. I am trying my best to just get away and be able to live my authentic life independently. That's all that I really want ;_;.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

You raise an important point, and I’m sure others will relate. Might it help to share less with the people who keep giving you advice? Until you broaden your support system to include people who can engage in “agendaless listening,” is it better to share and get unwanted advice or to keep more to yourself?

[@TricaudaeStudio]

@@jennifermayph.d.2761 I really, deeply appreciate your kind reply. I do my best to keep my ways and thoughts safe from those who keep giving me advice, but even being in their presence can lead to unsolicited 'suggestions', and what is worse, they go back to the same behavior after a small while after asking them to keep their opinions to themselves. Unfortunately, I am in a situation where I am stuck with them in the same living scenario, and just knowing that they could 'suggest' something at any moment just curdles my insides from anxious responses (that lovely sense of pressure, of course). I have a bad tendency to avoid, and that does not do well with their 'nosy' tendencies. I am afraid to do anything that isn't to their 'standards' whenever in their company, and it is exhausting and retraumatizing from a childhood of inconsistent standards (fine one day, punishment the next for doing the same behavior under the same circumstances). I apologize for the rambling - this was not meant to be a dump, but is useful for context. I am trying to get a way out. Thank you so much for providing such useful resources.

[@fractalizedspiritz]

i’m in a weird conundrum because i feel like i’m a people pleaser while simultaneously being hyper direct, relatively rebellious & very stubborn. almost like, i’ll cut off my own tail.

[@fractalizedspiritz]

I reject my human body conceptually, but nourish is extremely well physically but also mentally & emotionally. but my worldviews, beliefs, ideologies, understandings, perceptions & perspectives hurt me pretty bad though. Definitely trauma related. the synthesis I’ve made of this world came from a really dark place and when I see the light, it makes me want to go into the absolute nothingness, which probably can’t even exists …

[@fractalizedspiritz]

i’m trying to find the part of me that wants to exist, but I can’t find her and she’s extremely quite. if she had her own heartbeat, its safe to say she feels almost dead.

[@fractalizedspiritz]

i think i’m going to send this to my therapist … thank you for all that you do

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Thank you for your incredibly articulate comments. I bet a lot of people will relate. Keep working with those different parts of yourself. They all hold a lot of wisdom and will eventually benefit from sharing it with each other and your Self. When parts communicate and work together, the whole system can become more harmonious. Best of luck in your healing journey. ❤️

[@missfeliss3628]

im more the type that doesnt give, but doesnt recieve or take either.... idk why people always assume people that dont take or recieve are these awesome givers lol

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Don’t worry about others’ assumptions. Just work towards understanding what makes you uniquely you.

[@kittydebs]

is this different than "codependency"? i am in counseling and my counselor diagnosed me with codepedency but my issue is more complex. Codependency seems oversimplified.

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Not really... if anything, the attunement style is closer to codependency. The anxious-ambivalent attachment style is also similar. (I have videos on both, if you're interested.) If you want to read up more on codependency to see if it fits, you can check out Melody Beattie's famous book, "Codependent No More" plus some 12 Step literature.

[@Dd94949]

I've read codependent no more and found it helpful. However, I think pia mellody may be a better source overall re: codependency and other intimacy/relationship issues. Pia mellody was a mentor to Terry real who is another fantastic resource on relationships (to self and other).

[@sylvie5894]

Wow, so you know IFS or parts work..... AND NARM?

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

Yes! And DBT, RO DBT, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Check out my channel to learn more for yourself. I have videos on all!

[@JP-fb4mv]

Dr May, do you have a website or Instagram?

[@jennifermayph.d.2761]

No, sorry. Just KZbin.