10 Signs you have Pathological Demand Avoidance

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Happy world autism acceptance week! Here are 10 Traits of PDA (pathological demand avoidance), which is widely accepted as a profile of autism.
My Videos about Masking:
What masking feels like from the inside:
• But what does Masking ...
Me taking the masking quiz (the CAT-Q):
• How to Know if you're ...
Does EVERYONE Mask? Autistic Vs Introverted:
• Does EVERYONE Mask? | ...
00:00 Do you HATE being told what to do?
01:00 WHY pathological?
01:42 What is PDA?
03:08 Why are we like this?
04:08 The spectrum inside the spectrum
04:38 Masking PDA
05:06 What counts as a demand?
10:55 Using Social Strategies to Avoid Demands
14:30 PDA Meltdowns
15:07 Too social for autism?
18:07 Controlling?
19:40 Language delay?
20:07 Mood swings & Impulsivity?
21:53 Obsessions with people (21:57) - make doom sound louder
23:44 Enjoy fantasy & role play?
24:40 Autistic people aren't creative?
25:49 Novelty overriding demands
26:38 Issues with employment & school avoidance?
28:35 Your parents were judged
29:08 Can/should you get a diagnosis?
30:24 How do you cope?
33:25 What is masking?
DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
References:
Purple Ella Anxiety Video:
• Video
The PDA Society:
www.pdasociety.org.uk/
PDA & Employment:
www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-wi...
Study on Uncertainty and Demand Avoidance:
www.pdasociety.org.uk/resourc...
Sally Cat PDA's Video:
• How PDA avoidance feel...
*Books:
A Pale View of Hills (plz read this masterpiece):
amzn.to/3ZEfoUu
Steal like an Artist:
amzn.to/42XIlxw
*Books I'd Recommend about Autism:
Different not Less by Chloe Hayden (read if you want to cry):
amzn.to/40fKx2m
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg
*Links with a star are affiliate links. The channel will receive a small commission if you buy anything on Amazon after clicking through with this link. There's no extra cost to you and any money will go towards putting out more content. I'd love to post twice a week and put more time into research for these videos. Thank you so much - I really appreciate every like and comment!

[@imautisticnowwhat]

I've just posted a video with 12 tips for coping as a PDAer: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gKC7en2eo6t0mqs I also found a PDA test online!! Take it with me here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/joXHqZKliM9_eNU Not me posting 4.5 hours later than usual because I HAD to fix a typo. If there are any more, please don't tell me 👀 For some reason, I'm nervous about posting this one. I really hope it's helpful! If you'd like to know more about masking, you might enjoy these videos: What masking feels like from the inside: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fmXZlICNd5yZq7M Me taking the masking quiz (the CAT-Q): kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y4PKiqyfa7iajck Does EVERYONE Mask? Autistic Vs Introverted: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oX3UoZSbh7OArNU

[@aspidoscelistigris]

@@Avendesora Some of us might enjoy the 5000 word version. Just saying. 🙂

[@aspidoscelistigris]

Or, wait, should I demand that you not give us the 5000 word version?

[@rushiaskinnerwallace6175]

Thanks for posting it even though nervous. It’s really helpful.

[@amandasunshine2]

Somewhat irrelevant, you were a cute kid 😂

[@imautisticnowwhat]

@@Avendesora Only just saw this!! I always really appreciate your thoughtful comments - thank you so much!!

[@erikaarnold4780]

This is a weird one. I CANNOT TOLERATE people explaining things to me that I already know. It doesn’t just get on my nerves. I feel myself tense up, and it FEELS like a confrontation even though I know it’s not. It is one of the few behaviors that I have to really be present to control it. I usually will immediately cut the person off, letting them know I know. It is almost compulsive and it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to explain to ANYONE….EVER….ugh! 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@alysong5568]

Absolutely have the same issue. I can bite my tongue and moderate my response when it's people who don't know me, or when I'm in a training situation because logically I know they don't know me or my ability, but when it's people who know me or I work closely with.......I absolutely am unable to tolerate it.

[@wheatbread7651]

i’ve never related to something more. i feel guilty about it because people can sense how irritated i am when i cut them off, but like you said it really does feel like a hostile attack like they’re insulting my intelligence, though logically i know it’s not the case lol

[@TheRev142]

I am the same. It grates on me, like it’s a huge waste of my time. I also hate explaining things to people who think they understand but don’t. And defending myself against any accusation feels like yelling into a cyclone. I get incredibly anxious and angry, “Who are you to be entitled to me justifying myself?!”

[@sentientcardboarddumpster7900]

I have a strange reaction to being told a story more than once. It feels like torture. Also have a similar reaction to being the recipient of a rambling, branching story that you'll see 60+ years olds do, but you'll see it in almost any age group

[@MajorHomeless]

People like to explain things the other might already know to make sure both are on the same page, and avoid misunderstandings. Two people might hear one innocuous thing and get two different ideas from it...

[@captainmaim]

My therapist asked me "what do you want?" I replied, "I want it to be over with. Win, lose, pass, fail, over with and done. I don't want to be dead, I want everything to leave me alone."

[@j.k.6089]

I know what you mean.

[@graybot8064]

I feel this so much...

[@MelHS-gr4lv]

be careful with that ha and it is crazy sometimes with the bouncing book covers animated in video

[@starrywizdom]

"Ranulph’s sobs redoubled. ‘I want to get away! To get away!‘ he moaned. ‘Away? Away from where?’ and there was a touch of impatience in Master Nathaniel’s voice. ‘From…from things happening,‘ sobbed Ranulph. Master Nathaniel’s heart suddenly contracted; but he tried not to understand. ‘Things happening?’ he said in a voice that he endeavoured to make jocular. ‘I don’t think anything very much happens in Lud, does it?’ ‘All the things,’ moaned Ranulph, ‘summer and winter, and days and nights. All the things!’" from *Lud-in-the-Mist* by Hope Mirrlees

[@MelissaThompson432]

#7: Role play--- I read in some magazine, centuries ago as a teenager, that a good strategy for getting over nerves is to imagine a character who is good at doing the thing you're afraid of doing, and then go out and do the thing _as that character._ That way, you're not doing it, you're just the actor; it's the character that's doing the thing. It's amazing how much I've been able to do using that trick. I just realized in recent months that that's a rather extreme form of masking.

[@Vanity0666]

I used to do that until other people around me clocked what I was doing and started making fun of me for it

[@MelissaThompson432]

@@Vanity0666 oh, you've got to _believe_ it. You're not being LIKE Captain Marvel: you are Captain Marvel. Or, you know, pick the one that suits your needs. But BE them. Method act. If they catch you, you're being self-conscious. Otherwise they'll say, "I never knew you had this side to you...."

[@MelissaThompson432]

@@Vanity0666 and shame on them! They were raised better than that....

[@thunderlifestudios]

I do this to some extent. I will imagine a character usually of a media I like say I want to feel strong and confident but also friendly, I will imagine myself as Goku or if I want to feel competent and competitive I will imagine I'm Gojo.

[@iamcyno]

dude, when i was a kid i would go out and pretend I was someone I wasn't when I had to do literally anything I didn't want to do. i still do it sometimes.

[@thecrapartistx]

the saddest part of this for me is when I avoid my own art room. I sit on the couch listening to creepypastas, screaming at myself in my head "get up and go make something cool! go! go!! why are you sitting there? Go!" and then I just feel frozen.

[@niki.anddog]

The “I have to brush my teeth every day forever” thing bothered me a lot as a kid, too.

[@jimwilliams3816]

I managed to not brush my teeth a fair amount as a kid. Even now sometimes. Sometimes my brain thinks skipping flossing feels like some sort of special treat...

[@dariajohnson4439]

This is how I have been feeling about life since highschool. I have to get up and go to school or classes every day and if I'm not in school I'm will have to go to work every day until I'm how old....why. why do I have to spend my time on this earth working constantly?

[@lessevilnyarlathotep1595]

this was me about making my bed and folding and putting away clothes

[@bastienx3420]

@@dariajohnson4439 Yea sometimes it gets so bad for me that i want to die but i know that in a couple hours I will feel super happy and hyper and joyfull and all that and then my mum will tell me to stop being so... (???) and then i will be happy some more and then go to my room and cry.

[@dudabertoli8107]

I don't even bother doing this kind of things now as an adult lol

[@sprcow]

" I think we get used to disregarding our own discomfort" So much this! It took me like a year of therapy to realize I intellectually write off and minimize all of my own responses to things, because I know that they are irrational in many cases. The side effect of this, is that I never speak up in defense of my own needs anymore or pursue my own values in the face of opposition, because I can easily rationalize other people's positions.

[@1Hawkears1]

Holy shit exactly. Sometimes I get upset that I can't seem to make points the way others can, and also I get frustrated that no one seems to extend understanding to me the way I do for everyone else :(

[@roseac1921]

​@@1Hawkears1 same 😢

[@stefanisilva2493]

Finally someone has it too. This comment section feels so much like home that I can't even hahaha.

[@Robot62014]

Woww thiss Ive always felt and thought it in my mind that I can understand everyone but noone can understand me

[@djirukashi3992]

As an INTJ, this is the norm my g. So many idiots, you compensate by lowering your level of intelligence or response because they won't get it so you conserve your energy for future idiotic rebuttals by just choosing to not emotionally respond to what should get an irrational response back for how stupid it is.

[@AnnoyingNewsletters]

my area manager singled me out for taking my break at my station (instead of sandwiched into the petri dish of the break room), citing it as a safety issue, but didn't say anything to the next three employees who were also at their stations. My autism can't handle inconsistencies like that. 🤬 And that's why I'm rewatching this video 🙂 Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[@TheRev142]

I spent my entire childhood being yelled at for “refusing” to do what I was told. Now, whenever I’m in a demanding situation, like work, I’m in a constant state of anxiety. A day of work often leaves me exhausted. I still feel like I’m “bad” and afraid of being rejected for it, but I have to work to avoid other, harsher realities. This was a great video! And thanks for the tips about how you get things done. I’ve been doing the “Force myself into a schedule” bit for decades. I think it’s time to try something more freedom oriented. ❤

[@JungleEd17]

Apparently remote workers are following a new schedule. I read about it here: "Are You A Double Peak or Triple Peak Day Kind of Person?" I'm wondering if you've found something that works for you.

[@elinontheway1197]

At least half of these really resonated with me. You know when your colleague asks you to do something for them and something inside you stops you from doing it straight away, not because it's difficult or unpleasant, but because it has to be your decision to do it? If it's just a reaction to a demand, that takes your autonomy away. If you wait an hour and then do it of your own free will, your autonomy is preserved. But if they remind (nag) you during that waiting time, that sets the timer back to zero...That's what it feels like to me, and has done since childhood.

[@nothandon5991]

That happens to me sometimes as well, nice to know I’m not alone lol.

[@gabmatth]

OMG THIS EXACTLY

[@angelika9396]

Wow. My husband. In a nutshell.

[@nicoledoubleyou]

Omg that's me, I used to tell this to my mom all the time!

[@CosyKitty]

This happened a lot in my childhood when my mom would constantly nag for me to clean or wake up to school, in the end my room wasn't cleaned ever and I was always late. I even knew what it was and tried to explain to her that whenever you remind me I feel like I can't do it even when I was hyped about the "timer" running out

[@randomvrperson4967]

I kept thinking I wanted to get tested for autism, but I’m fairly social. I kept saying “I can’t be autistic, I’m good with people.” Then I found this video. I always thought I was lazy. Anytime anyone told me to do anything, clean your room, homework, anything, I just didn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. I think I might go talk to a therapist now lol.

[@dreamervanroom]

Therapists have been absolutely useless for me and terrible.

[@sr2291]

​@dreamervanroom Find a therapist who has more than a two year degree.

[@Lena-wo8cx]

​@@sr2291 therapists told me that only children have adhd and autism

[@abildamil]

​@@Lena-wo8cx Damn that's a big yikes

[@seanburke997]

​@@Lena-wo8cxWTF?!

[@RosaFriend]

That sense of justice, equality, and anti authoritarianism. Everything makes so much sense. I keep telling people that I've been a punk rocker since I was like 4 and now it all makes sense. I hate that sense of control that people have over me and over others. It's so deeply embedded in our society, and I've been trying to fight against it literally all my life.

[@Vanity0666]

It's tough to have a strong moral core in a cruel and unjust social clime.

[@camouldsn]

This has been me. The more I learn about politics, the more I just want less government and basically treat it like that weird uncle at a family event. Like, does he really have to be here?

[@nickandrews2255]

Facts However this feels like it is linked to having parents who committed injustices to us repeatedly as kids. Like they lied to us or betrayed our trust or emotionally invalidated us. The issue with this video is it lists plus diagnoses something I feel like does not need to be diagnosed I feel like we need to understand why as we are all victims here. This is crucial because it takes away the horrific self deprecating shame part of the situation. which allows space for natural levels of healing. If we know why we have these issues we realise that they are not our fault we realise we need to allocate space for us to not do something .... which allows us to keep or build our self esteem therefore slowly rebuilding our self trust plus heal to stop these things naturally. All the best cheers I hope you get the healing you deserve I hope we all do. Cheers @@Vanity0666

[@Nogodsnomasterz]

No gods, no masters.

[@tezismith8795]

@@Nogodsnomasterz gods are fine, and it's 'NO MASTERS ( _outside the bedroom_ )'

[@amanda83donuts]

OMG! I spent my whole life (almost 40 years) believing I was the only one like this. You have no idea the weight this video took off my shoulders and the anxiety it causes lol. Still trying to wrap my head around this. Thank you!

[@messagegoeshere741]

I had gotten into quilting recently and my mom took one look and said "you could sale those." Not shockingly, a few days later, my sister says her friend sales baby stuff at a booth "You could totally sale them there." Pushing me to take my beloved hobby amd turn it into a job. Sucked the joy right out of it, even as i was very clear about it being a hobby and not a job. Still love it, but i avoid it now.

[@MattNeisinger]

Totally get this. Would it help you if you didn't really care about any profit, rather that you are getting to share your joy with other people, and in return they are helping to fund your hobby? Sometimes it's all about how you spin it.

[@wildernessisland2573]

I've ruined hobbies this way too 😢

[@sachikawaii]

This!!!! Why can’t I just do something for fun

[@Maggies87]

Awww….that’s such a bummer to lose enthusiasm for a hobby, even though you know the “selling” ideas were well meant. I like the 1st comment about reframing the idea of selling. And you don’t have to sell anything if you don’ wish to… Best wishes 😊

[@Nabekukka]

Based on how you told the story, you're the one that turned it into a job in your mind. Your mom or your sister didn't push you to turn a hobby into a job, you did. They merely made an observation or a suggestion, because they both reached the same conclusion upon looking at your works and appreciated your skills that were on display in what you had made That observation and suggestion made by them was one that you could take and follow, or not. And even if you were to sell them, there's literally nothing forcing you to make it a job, you can still keep it as a hobby if that is what you want. I build, fix and clean computers, consoles and other devices as a hobby. I do it simply because I like it, and I have taken money or have been compensated otherwise for my efforts. But I haven't turned it into a job. Even if I were to do all of that more frequently, and make at least few hundred out of it every now and then, it still would not be a job, because it's an activity that I engage in whenever I can simply because I like doing it and if I have the resources, I do it whenever -I- want to do it, not whenever someone else wants / demands for it because my ability to sustain myself would hinge upon completing the tasks within a certain amount of time that I could then move on to work with the next task. Now, if there are some details or context missing from the story that you didn't include, such as how your mother and sister expressed those things, and if they really pushed you into doing it, as in kept repeatedly bringing it up, and saying that you should do it, then obviously that could change the whole thing. But if all they did was what you described initially, then you totally did this to yourself, all by yourself. And while you may have not outright thrown your mom and sis under the bus, you certainly gave them a tiny nudge by implying that they are responsible for you now avoiding doing something that you love to do, while they might not be guilty of the thing you accused them being guilty of at all.

[@colleenmcbride3656]

Does anyone else find it difficult to do things you enjoy when demand avoidance and executive functioning cause things to pile up? Like dishes, messes, teeth slippers, and laundry? Like, I'll have this breakthrough idea with a painting that I know how to get an effect and I want to squeeze out some paint and get working, but then I'll remember that I have dishes to do and that I need to eat and drink some water and all these other things to do and I just sit there cause I can't do dishes cause I'm in pain, so I can't eat anything cause all the dishes are dirty, so I can't get the energy to do something else physical so I just sit on the couch all day zoning out. I was always told "Responsibilities before fun" so now I can't do either and I don't know how to just stop it. I am Undiagnosed/possibly misdiagnosed

[@simonanardi4312]

Maybe try to do some fun and procrastinate the chores, it might give you some joy, energy and courage to switch over to some duty… Lots of Love! - could be ADHD, though, with its difficulties to make decisions 💖

[@Uffda.]

😭 this exact thing

[@OutOfShrimp]

Bonus round- you've let things go undone for so long that literally everything needs done now. Now your friends fade deeper into the shadows, neglected as all the others before them were. Hobbies collecting dust. Family grows concerned but of course they will soon disappear, too. Every moment of life is filled with buzzing panic. Welcome to the void.

[@CharStar654]

Yes this is definitely me! It did not really become apparent until I was at home alone during COVID. Before then I had always been gentle with myself about doing things, but I was in college and working full time with no social time. I laid on the couch and sat in a haze not able to do anything. It was a wild feeling

[@rachel8579]

That reminds me of the Enneatype 9 - it's like progress avoidance. But anyway, in response to your last sentence, it took me some years to go "eff it" and choose what's pleasurable first. This allowed me to devevlop some trust in myself that I'll get what's needed to be done as done. Then I found myself just spontaneously doing chores or what have you because I took the pressure off. It's almost like some part of me was resisting in an effort to get me to relax. I really think they taught us wrong. Human beings need pleasure, it gives us everything: inspiration, sanity, connection, life, a reason to live. I think it's in our best interest that Fun come before responsiblities. It can't happen all the time, but if it's my foundation at least, then I'm much better off.

[@brischock4644]

I thought everyone felt this when being told what to do. I’ve been asking my friends and they actually can’t relate to the feeling of dread and avoidance when someone tells you to do something. I have to feel like I’m the one pushing forward on something in order for it to get done in a timely manner. So wild

[@TheDoodleZone]

Watching this video just made me cry. You just helped me realize who I am and why I have so many problems with employment. Just yesterday my husband told me that I should do sit-ups. Before he had said anything I thought about doing situps. But just because he told me to, I couldn't.

[@justuscrickets]

This was an absolute hallmark of my young life: I'd willingly clean the entire house, top-to-bottom, but the mere fact of being asked or EXPECTED to do any ONE chore would make me flatly refuse to do any of it. Ask me to do something I'm already planning to do & suddenly I'm fiercely opposed to doing it. On principle. Hrmph!

[@KellenAdair]

It's somehow relates to being oppositional and defiant. And in an autonomous way. I'd say, more so with men It really clashed with narcissistic bros. Control freak Nazis!

[@Ilikeyoualot]

Same

[@necordektox879]

Absolutely same. I started cleaning my grandma's house when I was a kid because she's a bit of a hoarder and my mom asked me why I couldn't do that with my own room lol

[@miniboulanger0079]

I was surprised to hear about the receiving gifts part, as I didn't exepect it but it's very relatable. Does anyone also feel the same about giving gifts or cards? I like being generous with people and such, but around holidays, I hate the fact that it's expected of me, and it often leads to me avoiding it until it's too late, and then feeling terrible afterwards because I had nothing to give. By the way, thank you for your videos. They are both informative and entertaining, and it always somehow makes me feel safe listening to you.

[@tracik1277]

Yes, I feel the same. It’s the commercialised societal expectation that does my head in, so it’s coming in from all sides, trying to make you feel guilty, so that’s yet another demand lol. Not so long ago, my poor friend had no bed to sleep on and I offered to buy her one but she said no she would save up for one. A few weeks later, she phoned me and asked for me to give/lend (can’t remember) her the money and I felt cross and didn’t want to. There seemed such a big difference between me offering and her asking. I felt kind of angry/guilty/confused all at the same time.

[@jimwilliams3816]

Yes I dislike gifts because I’m no good at being effusive. Christmas with my folks was very low key, because we were all low affect about it, but with anyone else I feel very conscious that I don’t look grateful enough.

[@justuscrickets]

Argh, YES YES YES! I'm wildly generous on a spontaneous basis, but I DESPISE the expectation of giving & graciously receiving gifts according to some (to me) arbitrary declaration of an official occasion. Aside: my late grandfather used to have the most awesome habit of discreetly stashing a $20 bill or bit of cash in my coat pocket at holiday visits, which I wouldn't find until later.❤

[@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231]

Love giving gifts, if they're things I've made for that person, or found & know they'll like, not because it's a specific day or event. Hate receiving gifts & have since childhood: I'm crap at pretending to be grateful for the rubbish people buy me that I didn't want or need. I hate celebrating my birthday because it's a huge demand to be grateful for a whole day. I'd prefer if people just gave gifts when they really mean something, rather than for a socially forced "occasion".

[@tieragibbs3045]

I love giving gifts if I give myself a lot of time and the gifts feel special, but if I can't figure out what to get it causes issues

[@galaxyvictoriano9999]

"if youre super afraid that somethings gonna go wrong, maybe you'd rather just not do anything" wow look at that, a sentence that describes me lol

[@lifeasrini]

Omg the way you just described my son for 30 minutes 😳 He's been diagnosed with autism but this hasn't been mentioned yet .. Thank you so much for making this video 💐❣️

[@chinmeysway]

oh no. that pour kid. useless labels can really screw up young ppl.

[@lifeasrini]

@@chinmeysway I think I'll take my advice from those that can spell and construct real sentences, thanks ✌️

[@lunazeismann5253]

​​@@chinmeysway Labels can grant excess to proper accommodations for a child and help them succeed later on in life.

[@minacapella8319]

I feel like this has manifested way more for me as an adult than it ever was there as a kid.

[@Drstrange3000]

Same. It was quite a revelation.

[@HinataElyonToph]

Or possibly you just didn’t notice as a kid

[@freshnightmares]

we tend to mask how this effects us for a long time. i didn't think it was off because i figured everybody was swallowing an immense distaste for orders, when in reality i was forcing down the way it felt because i despise being seen as lazy over time as our demands build as adults, it becomes harder to hide it from yourself. in my experience, customers have triggered my pda much harder than anything ever had

[@Demonetization_Symbol]

Same

[@MattNeisinger]

I initially felt this way, as well. However, once I started analyzing my childhood, I began to see how this has been a part of me for a very long time. I rarely avoided going to school (unless I knew I could get away with it), but I always, ALWAYS avoided school work and homework. I was smart enough to be an A student... but what if I wasn't? What if I put in the effort and failed? I always did the bare minimum in school. Sometimes that would mean passing with a D because I didn't do any homework, but I could ace my exams. Because of this, I would usually fail classes like English or history because the exams usually represented the smallest portion of the final grade.

[@t3tsuyaguy1]

I try always to help my daughter understand the purpose behind her responsibilities. This allows her to reframe them as things she "gets" to to, rather than things she "has" to do. She "gets" to feel comfortable and healthy, rather than "having" to perform hygiene and cleaning tasks. She "gets" to learn and acquire new skills, rather than "having" to complete her homework.

[@BanControl]

i wish my parents had this approach, i would ask why certain things have to be done and was always met with "because i said so" or "dont talk back" when if they had just taken the slight effort and time to explain why it was important, i would have been much more enthusiastic and helpful.

[@Lunyaaaa]

Thanks for saying this, I think I have trained myself to think of demands this way. If someone wants me to do something and I don't understand why I have to do it, I have the worst time with it. I think that's why I struggled with school and homework that felt like a complete waste of time even though I did great in classes. And at work I've been lucky enough to have bosses that explain the full picture so it feels like I get to help with something useful, rather than being told I have to do it just because.

[@ApacheMagic]

Still sounds like pressure to me. But that’s pda.

[@JungleEd17]

How do I get my 5-year-old to use the toilet? He wants zero pressure, but then if he does go poop he's so proud and wants me to see it. His biggest fear seems to be trying and failing, which tells me I need to lighten up a bit.

[@pappatill28barn88]

​@@JungleEd17 Maybe tell him that he will grow up and become "strong" if he goes to toilet?

[@kcb1995]

This video is helping me understand that my PDA is why ive been avoiding therapy for ovdr ten years. I just KNOW how much work and expectation it creates for me and i dont want to do it! But I also KNOW just how much I NEED it.

[@madshorn5826]

Decide you won't do a single thing the therapist suggests - and then later tell your former self to go 🪛 itself ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

[@jessshreds]

THANK YOU FOR THIS. I have a late ASD diagnosis, have been in burnout for 4 years. I have now lost my career, and am unable to open post, listen to voicemails, open gifts, fill in forms, make food, get dressed, work anymore, shop, take praise, do my hobbies. I suffer with inertia, huge meltdowns, mood swings. I am very social and have often questioned my diagnosis because of this. I suffer with severe inertia and sometimes I can't speak. I can't cope with expectation or imagine things very well. I cannot and have never been able to cope with having a routine as I feel suffocated but am definitely autistic and this causes me a lot of discourse as we are supposed to adore routines. I would never go to school as a child, always quit jobs when they started going well. I always quit hobbies when they start going well, I can't attend events I've been looking forward to or go to hobbies I've been looking forward to, I get stuck in my car, have problems walking across thresholds sometimes. Everyone I know is muted on Whatsapp apart from my parents and all of my phone notifications are turned off. I often panic when people ask me how I am, I copy other people's mannerisms and accents and can't stop it. I also have a lack of respect for hierarchy which actually did me well working in a hospital. My team have started mentioning PDA, I have been unable to look it up or speak to them about it as it's a demand and yours is the first video I found and just THANK YOU. I think I will be able to speak to them about it now. What a brilliant video.

[@user-hb8fe8ch4g]

This video revolutionized my life. I'm not joking. After reading so many books on self-handicapping, procrastination and self sabotaging you turned the lights on. Thank you so much!

[@kathyadair8552]

Since you brought up procrastinating; if I have something I should be doing, some unpleasant Task. I'll find myself doing All sorts of other things, to keep avoiding.

[@joyful_tanya]

Me too.

[@wretchedrabbit]

dont forget to download your sheeple update

[@RobinTheBot]

​@@wretchedrabbit Wretch indeed... And ironically unoriginal with an insult that was old in 2003.

[@wretchedrabbit]

@@RobinTheBot really? never heard it before... so whatever you say i guess... i would love to see a source for that line being used in 2003 when dial up was still big and online interactions weren't.

[@kathymarshall220]

I super resonate with the idea of “tricking” my PDA. The way I do it is by creating a demand I’m more likely to avoid than the one I’m currently avoiding (eg, if I’m avoiding the washing up, I’ll put a load of laundry on, because I know that while I’m likely to move it to the dryer I’m also likely to avoid folding it and putting it away, and when it’s time to do it I’ll more than likely do the washing up to avoid sorting laundry) I’m basically manipulating myself to do chores. It doesn’t always work but it works enough to stop me from living in total chaos 😂

[@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231]

That's my life you've just described! I just spent the weekend mending clothes, because I had another demand I wanted to avoid!! Some of the clothes were sitting in the mending pile for well over a year... Somehow as long as *something* gets done, it alleviates the anxiety a bit as well as avoiding the original demand

[@madisondeines1546]

I just used not having my taxes done yet as a way to clean the whole house. I set my laptop and my W2 out on the table, looked at it for a moment...cleaned for 5 hours

[@kittykatpharuhs]

Literally all the time. ALLL the time

[@TheSoftestGirlYouKnow]

@@madisondeines1546 OH MY GOSH, hahaha I feel so seen!!!

[@creative2716]

@kathymars... That is so funny, only because I have done same (not realizing why I did so). I think I might laugh (or cry). But don't tell me which one to do, ok? Yep, I believe I need therapy now.

[@Lindsay-Makes-Videos]

Writing responses as I watch... I am autisticly comprehensive. 😂 - I agree 'pervasive drive for autonomy' is way closer to what it feels like internally. - Before I knew what PDA was I always called it my 'respect' button, which was a cross between demands and also gaslighting trauma responses. - People think I'm outspoken, but the truth is I had internal PDA. I felt ashamed of my reactions so I fought to control them. Like you said "we get used to disregarding our own discomfort." I'm now 3 years into the resulting burnout. 😫 - Still trying to overcome PDA shame. It's hard to like myself trained in a world where we're graded on our obedience. - The 'counter-acting laziness' you described... omg. A gut punch. Yes. Constantly overworking while also always feeling lazy. Big part of my burnout. - I just went through that same PC thing with my air conditioner 🤣 - GIFT REACTION DEMANDS. Okay. Seriously. Get out of my head. - My mom would do that thing where she just wouldn't respond when I spoke. 🤔 - Listing everything in this video I relate to is getting ridiculous at this point. Let's say D, all of the above. 😂 - "For you, there has been a buildup over time." Remember in Avengers when Bruce says "You want to know my secret? I'm always angry" and hulks out? I'll never relate to anything in a superhero movie more than that. 😅 - Regarding PDA creativity, I see where you're coming from, but I also see how our creativity might be "different" as far the emulation aspect is concerned. That would take longer to explain... - The anger I have about school... I don't even know where to begin. Less anger toward work because I mostly freelanced. - I've learned to accept that daily schedule won't work for me either. I've been acting naturally and observing myself and noticed that I tend to obsess over one project for about 4 days, then obsess over a different project for 4 days, and they come in cycles. If that idea helps anyone else, give it a shot! Thank you for making this video... PDA is tough to accept and seeing other people talk about it really helps me process it.

[@72Reshu]

I want to try the day cycle thing. It seems it would help.

[@Lindsay-Makes-Videos]

@@72Reshu I hope it does!

[@PLKinka]

I noticed the cycles thing but I attributed it to ADHD-like symptoms . I love routines but Im unable to enforce them. So I decided I need to work on making “randomized routine cards” colour coded to have some semblance of stability since I cycle through obsessions and sleep patterns. But, yeah, since I HAVE to do it, and I already spent time on planning what I need to do Im unable to do it. I hate that planning is needed to do anything well, bc I will almost certainly never do plan points. I never noticed that, but for me max engagement is also exactly 4 days.

[@rorbee]

So happy I stumbled upon this video. I've known for a while I'm quite averse to demands and being asked to do things (especially multiple things at once), with me being the only contributor. Always felt like I was just being an entitled and spoiled child, but there's just so much shame and self-consciousness associated with it. Knowing my own expectations alone are enough to sabotage productive and enjoyable things for myself, i've kinda given up and been drifting along for years, while trying to suppress the looming dread and anxiety. With increased stress comes an increased disconnect between my body and emotions and it's a whole mess. Hopefully this can be figured out. Thank you so much for the video!

[@ZarHakkar]

I discovered PDA a few months ago. The fucking relief I felt when I finally had a name to call this thing that has ruled my life for all these years. I mean, I did create a name for it before that, but something that others recognized. Hearing about your experience does make me wonder if I have a more extreme form of PDA brought about by the constant demands of parents and school for me to behave in a neurotypical manner. The name I came up with was The Block. Past a point, I just completely lock up and stop thinking. So the freeze response. Trying to push past this feeling results in the mental equivalent of the sensation of pulling out teeth. To get anything done, I often had to do very roundabout processes to try and "trick" the Block. It was exhausting. I've been done with school for a while, but now I'm in this limbo state. I'm in the US and there's always this constant pressure of "you gotta work to live" but I can't bring myself to even try to jump through the hoops and do the monkey dance that is expected of me, because I know it's gonna feel like my brain is being sandblasted, not only every day while I'm there but every night I end up sleeplessly dreading the upcoming day. Man... I really don't know what to do. ... It is funny though, one of the "arguments" I've heard a couple of times by boomer neurotypicals against either me or autistics is something along the lines of "What would you do without all this modern convenience? What would you do to survive 500 years ago?" And for me personally, I think I could have been a decent hunter. I can enjoy being in nature, have better perceptiveness and spacial navigation than most people, and could probably learn to use a bow and craft traps and snares without too much effort. But of course, it's a rhetorical question, they don't actually expect you to answer it. It's just something meant to point out and shame you for how "spoiled" and "lazy" you are.

[@Romanticoutlaw]

tbh it might feel more survivable living back then because people actually had some goddamn downtime, and communities pooled together to help their neighbors because they were neighbors. One of the first signs of civilization is healed femurs, because it means people were taking care of those in their group who maybe couldn't hunt or farm, who may have contributed in other ways within their abilities or who didn't need to at all in order to be a valued member of that society. Not that I'd give up modern luxuries if someone offered to send me back in time, but this notion that labor is the only way to justify your existence is a relatively modern one

[@gelfling]

There's a SKIP / PEP movement of gaining practical skills to inherit property. The ppl who do it still need a small income, but there are a lot of old folks who want to leave their homestead to somebody competent. If I was younger I would be doing that!

[@monicagodinez9913]

I think that the motivation to complete tasks like hunting or other survival tasks back then might have had to do with the fact that people did not have easy access to things that satisfy our primary needs as we do now. In psychology, there is something called a primary reinforcer that is used often in classical conditioning. This reinforcer is typically one associated with our basic physiological needs, such as food or water. In many psychological studies, it has been proven that animals are way more motivated to execute certain behaviors when they are motivated by these primary reinforcers in comparison to other reinforcers (such as praise). So my theory is that people back then were most likely super motivated to do these tasks because of this need to fulfill their physiological needs. Because society has industrialized and improved in so many technological ways, we now have easy access to these resources and, thus, have had our primary reinforcer removed. Our only reinforcers now are secondary ones (such as money, grades, praise, etc.). Without the primary reinforcer, our motivation has now lessened because we no longer directly rely on the completion of certain tasks for survival.

[@Authentistic-ism]

I hate being perceived because i'm irrationally afraid someone will notice a mistake and rush in to help and i DO NOT NEED HELP

[@GlitterC8k]

I have lost so many good opportunities because I felt like too much was expected of me. I think about what my life would be like if I weren't scared of failure. That life sounds better.

[@jessicest]

oh my god this is definitely ME. thank you so much so much so much. I'm 38 and I've fumbled through multiple ill-fitting diagnoses and medications that just didn't help me express how reticent i am to getting things done. this helps me so much, thank you 💖💜💖💜💖💜💖💜💖

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Thank you so so very much. I am incredibly glad you found the video helpful. You're the kindest 💛

[@alessazoe]

Oh. My. God. This explains SO. FREAKING. MUCH. about my life. I already assumed I am autistic, but still it didn’t feel real or adding up. But with this... wow, I’m so mindblown right now.

[@rhysdavidso.n]

❤❤❤❤

[@pipwhitefeather5768]

Me too!!! Revelations.

[@stackofcats8601]

Same!!

[@fh5926]

When I was in the military, PDA stood for Public Display of Affection. It was prohibited on base. I actually like detailed instructions. They make me feel secure. I hate being abitrarily ordered around or micromanaged.

[@beabzzbzz]

yes especially if it includes a reason to do the demand

[@tron.44]

Air Force vet here. I was thinking the same thing, and I do miss being given orders. It made life simple when everything was laid out for you, and you didn't have to think too hard. Just do what your superior told you to do. Had my article 15 moments as well, lol!

[@fh5926]

@@beabzzbzz In the Air Force they usually include a why and didn't get ticked off if you wanted to see the bigger picture. I think all the servces are moving to that model. Unless it was just busy work. Then you just did it.

[@TeddyLovesAxl]

Omg! I was also in the military and saw PDA and I was like wtf has THAT got to do with my autism!? Glad I’m not the only one who thought thst😂 🫡🇺🇸

[@TeddyLovesAxl]

@@tron.44 Navy vet here and I think a few of us vets are in the comments saying the same thing! 😂🇺🇸🫡

[@ashleynance7038]

This is the video that showed me I really could be autistic. So many of these characteristics you mention here threw me off the trail of learning this about myself because it's a very different presentation. But by the time I finished this video I was as close to sure as I expect I'll ever be. It's reframed my whole childhood and kind of took over my week, in mostly good ways. I'm grateful I didn't know sooner because I would have lived a different life knowing, but I'm ready now and grateful to more fully embrace myself and all the sides of me that are me. Thank you for doing this, it really changed my life, and now it's helping me to describe it to people in my life I feel safe sharing me with! :D

[@StellaIGuess]

I was writing a book very rapidly. Then I told my dad what I was doing and he said something like, "Hurry up and write it quickly so we can get it published." And then I dropped writing it quicker than a scalding hot potato.

[@emmalestrangeart1331]

I’m at a crisis point in my life and it feels like I’m going crazy because I can’t put my finger on why I’m feeling what I’m feeling… then along comes your video in my feed and everything resonates ❤

[@megnugget2631]

Same, having mixed feelings because it's great to relate and slowly figuring out what is wrong but at the same time NOOOOOOOOOO I HATE IT

[@joyful_tanya]

Yes, me too. 🥺

[@cabbage-soup]

oh god everything about this resonates with me so much xD my therapist told me that it was funny how i did a thing less the more she asked it of me. but i dont think i'm autistic because she said i wasn't. the more i want to do a thing, the more i expect myself to do a thing, the less it gets done. it's disconcerting because it's practically impossible to explain to others. they always end up telling me that i must not want it enough. i understand their reasoning, i understand wanting everyone to be in control of their own lives, and the desire to be able to explain others' experiences with one's own, but i wish people would listen to me when i say "i want things very badly, and yet i still cannot get them done. my inability to fully control my own actions terrifies and disturbs me."

[@kg6801]

I don't know what I've got, I'm in my 50s and have had a lifetime of struggles and not knowing what's wrong with me, but I can very much relate to what you're saying, it's incredibly frustrating fighting with yourself all the time over practically everything, no matter if you wanted to do it or enjoyed it or not. I've run myself into the ground over and over again and become increasingly dysfunctional. I hope things get better for you somehow.

[@annabelcleare138]

Yup. Me too. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD (combined type) but having watched this video, I definitely have PDA too. I’m almost 55 and can safely say it’s ruined my life.

[@thedanespeaks]

Get a second opinion! Get yourself to someone TRAINED. And self diagnosis is valid. The most incompetent and ableist and just plain ignorant people I've ever met were therapists.

[@katieoconnor120]

Hi! This comment really made me sob because I feel exactly the same and have never heard it from anyone else! I really hope one day we can be at peace x

[@mattjack3983]

@@thedanespeaks You know that the last sentence in your comment quite literally completely contradicts the advice you started your comment out with, right?

[@ReasonableGames]

This hit home so much. I always saw myself as an adult as a kid, but I also saw all adults as big children. Still do.

[@LOperatorium]

It's such a privilege to have videos of you as a child to trace back your memories. Thank you so much for sharing for those of us that might need pictures to try to remember their childhood ! Seeing you moving in front of your dollhouse without touching your dolls really brought back vivid memories. Thank you for all the videos it's so ressourceful

[@nothandon5991]

Oh my gosh, I really hate it when someone wants me to do something, but they ask indirectly, like despise it😂 if you want me to do something, just ask directly, otherwise half the time I’ll go out of my way not to do that thing. Can’t believe it’s an actual thing.

[@2nd2LastUnicorn]

Same!!! I don't mind being asked but I hate "do you wanna hand me that?" And other indirect ways of phrasing a request. Do i want to? Not particularly... Do I mind if I'm asked? Probably not.

[@fernlovebond]

You've just completely blown apart my notions about how I perceive and understand the world. I've been avoidant of demands all 47 years of my life; I've even used that term, and yet I've never heard of PDA until today. I've definitely crashed relationships to avoid the expectations of others. This is crazy for me to feel my whole perspective shift completely by learning this. It's incredible, kind of relieving; I'm sort of tearing up, tbh, because I've struggled to explain this whole problem to people and have been told over and over how I have to adjust to do things other ppl expect instead of accepting my own feelings and perspectives. Thank you for this. I'm so grateful.

[@DebraaBeee]

Right? Same here, I can't even describe what a shift in my whole outlook on life I'm experiencing right now!! Like everything finally makes sense!

[@amanda83donuts]

Same!!!! I’m finding the older I get the less I know about myself lol

[@violak5099]

"Anxiety driven need to stay in control" I don't think i need to hear more. I will watch the rest, eventually, but i am realizing i do not have the energy to watch something like this. This one sentence resonating so much already sent shivers down my spine. Not today. (I am not diagnosed for anything right now, but waiting for an aapointment with a therapist (first step))

[@Alyx-xo1wg]

ohh my god the claustrophobic feeling!!! i relate so much this makes so much sense! i get so panicky about demands. also i have this weird way of masking that i sometimes slip into, i call it "robot mode" where i externally become the exact opposite of pda, like if someone asks me to do something, even if theyre not actually demanding it, theyre just asking if i can help with something, i feel like a computer thats started a program that cant stop until its complete. a very frustrating example is a roommate will ask me to help them find something, so i help them look, and after a few minutes they give up, so normally id be able to take the cue that i can stop too, but the task isnt *complete* until the thing is found, so i *have* to keep trying. and it can go on for hours, and the only way out is if that person explicitly tells me that i should stop. sometimes it only works if they explicitly *demand* that i stop. and the entire time im internally panicking and feeling so fucking trapped but it feels like im physically unable to stop, and then i usually end up having a panic attack and thats when theyre like "oh u were still looking for that? stop dude i dont need it that bad" (sorry for the long ramble in ur comments thank u for making these videos!!!)

[@Rachel-xx5bk]

I’ll never forget as a small child when my Mum told me to flick a light switch on and I refused repeatedly until she walked over and did it for me, to which I responded to with a very teary tantrum. Don’t know why that little memory is so strong in my mind but this video makes it make sense

[@kalieris]

This is so very much me. Doesn’t matter if it’s an internal or external demand. I’m good about it for a couple of days, and then just stop. I need lots of unstructured time to feel ok.

[@cabbage-soup]

may i happen to ask how you tend to deal with it? i tend to stop everything too, but the unstructured time tends to make the unfinished demands even more demanding.

[@Theautisticenby]

TW: sh and mild trauma I have trauma surrounding severe depression and su*cide. I’m also autistic. When I was struggling with my mental health even more than I already am, it felt like I had no control over anything. Including myself. I have experienced these signs since really ever but before I knew I was autistic I just thought it all came up to my trauma but it makes even more sense now and thanks for validating me even more than you already do.

[@necordektox879]

Out of all the videos I've watched this one is the only one to make me cry. I relate so much to every single one. I look back on my childhood and wonder why I felt a desire to take control when the other kids were too rowdy and not following rules. And when you described vividly daydreaming about the toys instead of playing with them or wandering off alone and imagining playing with other kids instead of actually doing that. This one hurt a lot I feel like I've been seen for the first time.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

Also, my best hypothesis at the moment: PDA behavior is mostly mimicry of the adults, perhaps due to identifying with the adults. And what do the adults do? They go around telling other people what to do, and if you tell them what to do, they don't do it. And if you insist more strongly that they do something, they just resist it more strongly. Extrapolate that across contexts in the least helpful way you can think of: PDA.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

(Closely related to 16:50 in the video-my suspicion is that this is kind of a fundamental / causal factor.)

[@aspidoscelistigris]

As my mind continues wandering down various nearby paths-for me, at least, you could probably call it goal avoidance as easily as demand avoidance, the two seem like looking at different ends of the same thing. If you think of it as goal avoidance, though, that points toward a universal aversion to teleological thinking, which is certainly something I've noticed in myself.

[@jimwilliams3816]

It’s not mimicking adults because they give orders. That doesn’t jibe with the non hierarchical tendencies. ETA: I've had more time to think about this: I think for me the biggest factor was that as a child PDAer, I perceived adults as autonomous. Of course, when you grow up and realize that adults do NOT have full autonomy, you realize how screwed you are. But anyway, the need for autonomy, at least for me, came from the fearful avoidance. You don't feel you can rely on other people, so you have to be autonomous. It's not classical trauma, where you learn not to trust people because of the way THEY act. It's that your interactions go badly for you because of the way YOU interact to others. How others respond to you is not under your control, nor is the way you respond to them. That's scary and to be avoided at all costs. Which is why, before I realized I was PDA, I had become aware of an overwhelming sense of loneliness I've felt my whole life. Where it gets especially ugly is that frustration over lack of control can lead a PDAer to blame others for things that go wrong - Kristy Forbes just discussed this - and this starts resembling giving orders, which is upsetting to the PDAer doing it. The mental discordance just about drives you crazy. My mother succumbed to that in old age, and I’m struggling with it.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

I give myself orders all the time. And then I don't follow them, and then I feel bad about it. Suppose you were interpreting adults as modelling appropriate behavior. And suppose also that when you repeated aspects of that behavior-giving orders to others-you were chastised. What might your resulting mindset and behavior look like?

[@aspidoscelistigris]

That said, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if there are multiple ways to be PDA. To some extent we're putting names on behavior clusters and then assuming that the set of externally similar behaviors have similar neurological / psychological processes and origins. That probably kind of works sometimes, but the accuracy rate can't be all that high...

[@vickyymusic2038]

This is heavy. I think this is why I struggle with dating in this day and age. Expectations. And I used to convince people to do my class work for me in primary school, it's one of my mums favourite stories about me. I also can't cook food for friends when we do bring and share so it's joked that I'm the one who brings the crisps... but i literally panic about it so I just can't do it. I suspected PDA for a while but this has confirmed it for me. I was diagnosed ASD in January.

[@0744401]

I have had a traumatic gift receiving experience one time - specifically because was reacting negatively to the novelty of receiving surprise gifts for my birthday (I had been until then used to prepare a list of gifts I wanted with my parents and it was an early time receiving actual surprises) - and now I do what Freud would call a "Reactionary formation" every time I receive a gift, I engage "Performative gratitude" mode, where I do (what internally feels like) exagerated displays of grattitude. The trauma comes from having been scolded about my innappropriate display of ingratitude. Will never forget. It is what it is.

[@0744401]

One time, my step mom bought me a cookbook for christmas, my step brother said "so lucky" and so without missing a beat I asked him "do you want it? I don't want it at my house, it'll just be clutter, I don't cook from recipes" and as insulted as my step mom might have felt about this, I think she never knew half of it. I might as well have screamed "I hate you and I only tolerate you for my dad's sake" directly into her heart. The rudest I ever was on purpose to a person.

[@jessn.3851]

I practically despised Christmas and receiving gifts in general because of my mom. She got disappointed when I wasn't surprised or excited about the gifts, and by high school I just didn't want anything because I was so tired of it. I also didn't like receiving money from other family members, because then my mom demanded that I make thank you cards. Yes, from scratch. They even punished me for not finishing them fast enough one year, made me hate my own birthday, made me not want to be creative or show joy in anything that could be considered productive because they just would have asked me to do more. Hated playing piano because that's what my mom wanted and wouldn't let me quit. Told me I was ungrateful for a variety of things. Thankfully as an adult I have a lot more control over my life, no wonder I was tired all the time as a teenager.

[@bethaneyperks1457]

I feel like a lightbulb has just gone off for me. This was an awesome video. I feel overwhelmed by everything and hate people because they mean work. My daughter is the same and wont do anything I ask. I am so appreciative you made this!

[@rribbonss]

Thanks for making this video!! I definitely have PDA yeah… but apparently I’m not very typically autistic. I’m quite extreme on the demand avoidance. Like for a while I was pretty much doing nothing. For most of my life I’ve done none of the things I felt were most important to my progression towards where I want to end up, because I feel too much pressure to do those important things. I find it still difficult but easier to do things that just keep me going for now, like working in a job that has no positive impact on my future and just allows me to contribute a bit to our household expenses. It’s very disheartening realising that the more I realise that something is important; the harder it becomes for me to do it. I have to learn to stop zooming out and seeing the bigger picture so that I can unknowingly do useful things for my life 😅

[@tris5602]

One of my social strategies is offering to do something undesirable before I am asked. It makes no logical sense, but volunteering to do the thing I hate is less excruciating than being asked to do it. Also, I hate answering stupid questions or being forced into meaningless small talk. I work in customer service, and I hate when people ask how I'm doing when I answer the phone. You don't care about my answer, and I don't care to exchange pleasantries, please just get to the point. "Did you hear what I said?" or "What are you doing?" tend to make me immediately irate. I have better hearing than most people, and I'm moving to do the thing you asked, so WHY do I need to confirm? Why do I need to tell you what I'm doing when you can see it with your own eyes!? I had no idea there was a word for this, but I'm pretty sure this is THE thing that initially made my husband think I was autistic.

[@jimwilliams3816]

Well, small talk really is the spawn of the devil, so IMO you are simply being rational there, LOL! I recently heard that in certain countries, small talk is not a thing, which made me feel SO much better -- it's not some deeply ingrained human need that I can't cope with, it actually is just a vacuous social construct, popular in many places but not all.

[@OdinsSage]

Whenever my mom calls me she always asks "so what are you up to" first thing and I always give a very brief, honest answer then ask what she called for. This seems logical to me, but several times she's given me crap for not exchanging the expected preamble niceties. Why should I be expected to make small talk when I wasn't the one who initiated the call? It's never made sense to me, and it always puts me on edge.

[@DavidMelissaHope]

Holy crap. I've lived with many issues that I had strictly related to my life full of concussions and TBIs. The more I listen to others on the autistic scale, the more I realize.....I'm pretty autistic. Lol. Better to learn later in life than never. PDA has caused me such issues my entire life, unknown to me. It explains a lot about my past behaviors. Thank you for posting this and in such a gentle but direct manner. You can't imagine the brightness of the light bulb you helped me light up. I'm on the verge of tears. Again, thank you.

[@Mr3DBob]

I find your time travel video style, with snippets of video of your childhood is very illustrative. I'm learning more about myself and my sweetheart and my grandson, among others.

[@fighttheevilrobots3417]

I've never been diagnosed with ASD, but I am stunned that nearly every single one of these points fits me exactly. I was so "obsessed with people" that i studied Anthropology.

[@genera1013]

Same! I think it's why I love to draw. I want to understand what is going on with the human(or sometimes animal) body. Especially body language.

[@JupiterLight28]

Are you maybe also an INTP like me? I have loved studying people mostly because I wanted to pass myself off as normal and capable. I found that as a kid I thought everyone must be so smart and did things for specific reasons (projecting my Ti main onto everyone else) then later I find out I put way "too much" though into things so I studied how people relaxed in order to try to do things more free-flowing. I don't want to project my own experiences on you or anyone but I'm just kind of curious if it is a similar experience or another reason for studying people 🙂

[@KellenAdair]

​@@JupiterLight28an interesting thing to delve into. 🧐

[@august4132]

​@@JupiterLight28 im also an intp, thinking of pursuing sociology/psychology bc of my interest for how other people act!! im studying languages bc with masking i turned out to be skilled at copying people to try to match the vibes of the situation, which translated in a big ability to learn languages with enough repetition 😭

[@kaylagoold4053]

Wow, this is WILD. I feel like we're the same person. You just described my whole life. I've even called it my "rebel gene" that is like a light switch and gets triggered by any sort of demand. I've recently self-diagnosed, and now I'm in an obsessive rabbit hole of educating myself on ASD. So glad I found this video and your channel--it helps me feel normal and like I'm on the right path. Thank you!

[@celestehernandez2000]

9:18 I relate to this so much!! Getting praise for doing well feels like so much pressure. It has the opposite effect for me and makes me feel less motivated to avoid failure.

[@claudiobeachball]

About obsession with people, this one really hits home with me. When I was a teen, my special interest was professional hockey, and I had a huge interest in specific hockey players. Like looking for every interview they were in, finding obscure magazines, looking for their histories, and this was in the mid-1990s before the internet. I also wonder if limerence (unrequited “love” or romantic obsession with a specific person) is related to PDA. When I was younger this was a big problem for me.

[@tracik1277]

I absolutely detest getting ready to go out, I always get really anxious even before I start. I guess other stuff also plays into it like time deadlines and travel and social things in general, but getting ready I can be shaking too much to put my mascara on and things. The way you explained all this was excellent.

[@saml4004]

Unfortunately PDA is not recognized in the US (shocking….I know… 🙄) but I was diagnosed with severe ADHD and ODD as a kid, I now have a diagnosis of mild ADHD and Autism level 1 and I have to wonder if things would have been different if I had been a kid in a different time and/or place.

[@subdynoman]

It would be different, the further back you go, the more you are just a weirdo and a problem. Don't let others label you. Your just a flower in a field of corn

[@blondequijote]

Oppositional defiant disorder isbwhat adults call kids who are too smart to go along with their society bs like the rest of the kids.

[@marymurphy1429]

ODD is even more poorly named than PDA I think. Got diagnosed with being deviant and disobedient. Makes the child sound like a manipulative jerk who does bad things on purpose and makes the adults sound like angels for putting up with those kids. I'll give anything to say that in most situations the adult is the manipulative one and the child knows it, but why would you listen to them, they have I don't listen to people disorder and if they speak out against anyone it's just them showing symptoms of that disorder. Fun fact, did you know that white kids are more likely to get diagnosed with things like autism and ADHD while black kids are more likely to get diagnosed with ODD? I wonder if there's a reason for that 🤔🤔🤔 Sorry for ranting I'm just tired of the way disabled people of all ages are seen as less then and the way adults think they can control every aspect of a child's life

[@saml4004]

@@marymurphy1429 I agree 100%! Thankfully research is finding that more black kids are being identified as autistic, but I still have to wonder how many are being missed since the US doesn’t recognize PDA. I am a white female so I can’t speak to that for my experience, but I can say the only reason I was identified as ADHD is because I was extremely disruptive and behavioral as a child. But I do think my missed diagnosis was a result of time and place sadly.

[@jimwilliams3816]

I totally agree. Some adults can’t cope with the idea that any child could legit disagree with them on anything, or have any rights whatsoever, and yet these adults are apparentally not diagnosed with Narcissistic Authoritarian Fetish Disorder. Because obviously it’s impossible to be properly protect a child if you have to (gasp) explain your reasons for something instead of issuing ultimatums.

[@Applee10101]

You having the realization of the daily teeth brushing demand reminded me of the moment at 12 years old i realized I was gonna be responsible for changing period products through the day for a week every month for the rest of my life and it was such a terrible feeling

[@ReasonableGames]

I also wanted to say that I find it a lot easier to get myself to do things and pretend there isn't a demand if I'm alone. If I have to work in an office around other people that demand pressure builds up and it makes it hard for me to push past the anxiety to do work. It's the same with household chores - It's very easy for me to do them when I'm alone, but a lot more difficult with friends/family/wife around.

[@jimwilliams3816]

I already was quite sure I was PDA, but the part about kids thinking of themselves as adults was something I had not heard, and was jaw dropping for me. Somewhere around age 4 I announced to my parents that I should hereafter refer to them by their first names. I’ve never known why I did that. I concluded I was probably trying to mask as an adult to fit in, and I think that’s part of it. But I think what you said finally answers that question, and for that I am so grateful. I was more fearful avoidant than defiant in my...well, avoidance, and both my mother and I were/are fiercely overactive in our fight/flight. I see my mother as having been clearly PDA, though I still don’t know about autistic. I'm realizing from your deflection strategy description that my father (who I think was autistic, ADHD or both) had PDA traits too. I’m also non-hierarchical in the extreme. I used to call myself egalitarian. And my autistic traits are atypical in all the ways you listed. I thought it was largely the ADHD that attenuated my autistic traits (I’m diagnosed both, plus - duh - GAD). I'd been aware for a while that PDA is why I freeze in certain situations, as if from performance anxiety. But in the last day or two, it's finally become apparent to me that certain highly problematic ways in which I get frustrated and angry are because of things I react to as demands -- some are real demands, some are demands in my head. That's the trigger I've been searching for. Truth be told, I think PDA has done more damage to my life than any other disorder. So this video was a stunner that I didn’t expect. Thank you, and thanks for mentioning Purple Ella and Sally Cat!

[@talloncusack]

Do you remember around what part of the video they mention "kids thinking of themselves as adults"? I must have missed that, but the concept already sounds really familiar to my own experience, now that you mention it! Just wondering what exactly they said about it beyond the fact that it's atypical & actually considered a neurodivergent trait-one which is being associated with "PDA", in particular...?

[@jimwilliams3816]

It wasn’t where I thought it was, and I started to think I imagined it...but it’s under social issues, or “too social for autism,” about 16:50. I can see connections with autism, one trait I have is talking to everyone the same way regardless of context, and I’ve seen that talked about as an autistic trait here and elsewhere. But the adult part was a weird serendipitous thing to hear - you mean this odd thing I did shows up in a profile I know I have? The final piece for me is whether or not PDA is inextricably linked to autism, because if so then my mother was autistic. I could see it in my father but didn’t see it in her, but women get missed a lot.

[@talloncusack]

@@jimwilliams3816 thanks! And yeah…from what I’ve read, PDA is *linked* with autism, or the way that it manifests in some individuals- but at the same time it’s also distinct from that particular dx, being associated with various types of neurodivergence in general. It seems to be more of a behavioral pattern arising from certain coping mechanisms & potentially maladaptive habits amongst those with autism- amongst other ‘disorders’ (like ADHD, for example). So it’s a descriptor for this common archetype rather than a pathology of its own, if that makes sense 🤔🤷🏼‍♀️

[@jimwilliams3816]

@@talloncusack Thanks! Yes, I feel pretty sure there is some underlying physiology -- based on my own experience, my thought is dysautonomia/overactive fight or flight, which both my mother and I had/have -- I can definitely see how my mother influenced my hypervigilance, in that she taught me to fear the thing you do not see coming, probably because my father had an inattentive streak (I suspect AuDHD), and her own persistent fear response (worse than mine, I think) probably amplified parental terror about their child goofing and getting themselves killed. Based on one exchange when I was 20, my guess is she never realized how much I had the same fear response, and how thoroughly I took those lessons to heart. Other things we shared in common I can safely say were maladaptive, but they feel like things I didn't learn directly from her, we just had the same maladaptions. My guess here is that, just like overactive flight or flight, there are certain patterns/responses/coping strategies that, once you've got a particular predisposition, are more likely to express themselves a certain way than not, and they don't need to be taught. One thing I think applies to PDA is an over-strong fair/unfair reaction. I've read that the emotions associated with morality develop before the specific rationales for what's right and wrong, and after fear, I think this is the other root of my PDA; responsible for the angry parts as opposed to the avoidant parts. My situation is further complicated by the fact that my mother, whatever her guiding neurology, had executive functioning issues, as did my father. Certain of her behaviors closely resembled ADHD traits, but I'm not that inclined to think she had it. All three of us were low on dopamine, and I've known that for far longer than anything else. Traits...we all had traits. I know which but they don't line up cleanly.

[@73caddydaddy93]

OMG! I started the video thinking "I probably don't have this but I'll watch it anyway", towards the middle I was thinking "THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH ABOUT ME!", but when you mentioned vivid play I was absolutely gobsmacked! Not only was the phrase "vivid imagination" on multiple teacher's reports about me throughout elementary school, but my GI Joe play was elaborate enough to spawn a cinematic universe with all the character development and world building. I can't thank you enough for turning me onto this condition, this fills in a lot of blanks. Maybe PDA explains why I feel almost this brick wall when it comes to doing things I know I should be or needing to do but almost hit a force field with, like watering plants for example - I love plants and care for them, but sometimes I just hit this impassable block where it feels like if I try and do it my body almost shuts down out of protest. sorry for rambling, but this video made me realize a lot of things. I take pride in doing good work, but I'd rather crawl inside my own rear end than get a compliment. I don't like getting gifts because it makes me feel weird, like I better like it so I don't hurt the giver, and sometimes I almost get this weird thought in my head like "this gift sucks" even if I really like it in almost an unconscious self sabotaging reaction. I now understand why I've always seemed social but ultimately preferred solitude. edit: I made this comment about 3/4 of the way though the video because I was overwhelmed by how much the content made sense to my life, and after finishing the video the school/work avoidance thing is another huge revelation! So is the part about coming home from work and being completely drained and having nothing left to give anyone. thank you again so much for making this, not only did it explain a lot of what I've beengoing through my whole life, but the tips at the end are really helpful. Cheers

[@CharStar654]

ditto!! the plant bit is wild, but I stress about doing it and then in my brain I worry that they will be over watered or it is too late.

[@ijustdocomments6777]

Man I've known I had this for a while, didn't even know it was an autism thing, but never been so affirmed in a self-diagnosis before in my life. Now I get what all the kids talk about when they "feel seen".

[@annettecuningham494]

I relate so strongly to every one of your videos I've watched so far. I have NEVER felt understood before. I recently started listening to an audiobook about masked autism to understand my autistic son better. A couple minutes in, I was no longer listening for him. I was shocked to realize I was being described. I've been looking into it a lot and finding lots of things helpful. But I resonate so strongly with your experience in particular. It's like, wherever you are on the spectrum, I am sitting right there with you. Thank you for creating this content!! It's been so helpful!!

[@Con_blue]

I relate to everything once again. Especially the part where you show videos of you flapping your hands and imagining things instead of actually playing with the toys. I've always done that but was hiding it from others because i knew it wasn't "normal". You are so brave!

[@deedreamerify]

I've started doing specific kinds of paintings where it's quite a bit of paint on the canvas (think paint pour type things) where I feel there is no "perfect" to strive for, just fun patterns and colours I used to get frustrated and stuck when I painted because it had to be just right and I rarely felt that it was good enough

[@jaypressley]

Praise anxiety is SO REAL!!! I know what I'm capable of, but I also know that I'm not ALWAYS capable of my best. If others see what I *can* do, they become confused when I don't ALWAYS perform at my best.

[@TheGlenn8]

This does explain a lot for me. I'm autistic like everyone else in these comments (and like everyone else I will now write a personal blog about the) but I never heard of this and it describes me pretty well. Not perfectly of course, when it comes to jobs I actually kinda like jobs where I'm told what to do... Sometimes, maybe. I find that hard to pin down, I think it's more that I like having little responsibility. I love a job where if I don't do anything nobody will know and quite ironically I do those well. I don't have very clear memories of this in my childhood but as long as I recall I have hated school trips, vacations, sleep overs, and daytrips. Not really because I hate a change in routine but because then I'd be "stuck" away from home and wouldn't be in control. Now as an adult, especially recently, it's gotten stronger. I have a lot of trouble getting out of bed and tend to stay in it for a minimum of an hour and even plan around it. I have this general feeling of anxiety in days leading up to airsoft games with my friends even though I always end up having a great time. I still dislike vacations despite kinda wanting to go on one with my friends because I recognise that the memories I make with them there are precious. But worst of all I have a lot of trouble with my final internship... I hate it. And I do mean HATE it. I absolutely despise all these deadlines. Having to write a paper on it as well as having to do a presentation. I hate having to get up early, commute there, sit there for 8 hours, and commute back. I sit, work productively for 1 hour, and then spend the following 5 in an anxious dread before I consider if I should think of an excuse to go home early. I hate having to work at home too, going downstair, sitting at my work place, and having to pretend I'm being productive in front of my mother. That's why I quit this final internship. I just couldn't get it done. I hate how strangly happy I am with having given up. An feeling I am concerningly familiar with. I LOVE giving up. I adore it. Let me give up. Then I don't have to worry about meeting anyone's expectations anymore. Except that's not true and my parents and teachers are still cheering me on. Now I have to look for a new final internship and I already hate that. I hated the two previous internships too. I had a lot of trouble with both of them, finishing the papers on them LONG after I finished the actual internship. And what's after university for me? Work. I hope I won't have the same reaction to that as I did my internships. At least I won't have to write papers on it... But I am really afraid that I'm doomed to be miserable like that every second while I'm at work. Decades of anxiousness, staring at the clock, wanting to not be there. I have to be honest I am not happy about this personality trait. It is one of the things that has consistently been in my way, stopping myself from making memories with my friends, or getting in my way of being an independent adult and productive member of society. It's genuinely made me depressed... But it's a strange kind of depression. I don't feel lonely or like I am missing out (I know I said that stuff about making memories but weirdly that doesn't really eat me up inside). All my stress, anxiety, and frustration comes from what I think other people want from me and that I don't want to do any of that. My parents have been very supportive with my troubles with my internship, but I don't have the balls to tell them the core issue. That I straight up don't want to do it. I don't want to do my internship, I don't want to graduate, I don't want a job, I don't want to be an adult. I don't want responsibilities. And with that comes all the miscellaneous anxiety. The looming dread of becoming or even already being a weak and failed male. A man is supposed to be responsible, competitive, productive, and eager to rise up to any challenge. Not wish he could go back to being a carefree child. Not spend hours in fantasies and roleplays wishing to be someone else. Or my long fantasy of being a father eventually. How can I be a good parent if I hate responsibility this much? And where do I even find a girlfriend who'd want to do the same and how do I maintain a relationship like that when I despise dates and going out because that's a demand. If I get a job I won't be able to give up on it like an internship... There'd be huge financial consequences to that. I really hope someone reads all of it. It would mean a lot to me.

[@blueberrysweetener]

Wow... I just thought that I either didn't understand my ASD and ADHD or there was some other thing wrong. Or I'm just broken and have to work on myself to be a better person. But EVERY SINGLE POINT HERE APPLIED to me. For the first time in my life something actually explained what I feel and am going through. It's unbelievable that this one thing explains my whole life so perfectly. Thank you so much for making this video and explaining this so well. The examples from your life also helped visualize things and apply them to my own life. Thank you again. Soooooo so much!!!!

[@cassidylhd]

Couldn't have said it better myself. Exactly the same here.

[@panasado7886]

This video comes at a perfect time. I'm procrastinating on working on my portfolio now. I got fired recently, and I obviously have to find another job to eat. This demand feels like too much pressure, and I'm avoiding it so much. It's been a month and I haven't been doing what I should. I love my job, and I love being an artist, but the demand I feel with it now... I haven't been drawing at all! My psychologist said that being unemployed and having my cats depending on my income should be a motivator for me to find a job... And It's the contrary! I feel so much pressure. I'm a mess, a ball of anxiety lol It might be part of undiagnosed autism. I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, I know it may be my ADHD too. Life is so difficult lol

[@markmessi9020]

You got this bro I'm the same way 👍

[@user-gs1lz2pw9v]

Weed?

[@lisahyatt5673]

THANKYOU!!!!! as a teacher trying to help a student who struggles with suspected PDA this helps me understand even more!

[@imautisticnowwhat]

You're an incredible teacher! Thank YOU!!

[@Etoac]

Rarely had a description that fit me as well as this! Thanks so much!

[@Stormbrise]

I was laughing out loud at one point, because I thought you had gotten ahold of an unauthorized bibliography of me. I have all the signs of search for autonomy, that I will clean the freaking house instead of do something on my todo list. I never went to school, the more I was out the more I did not want to go back. Why go back when I could teach myself better and faster? IT was the little adult thing, my mother told me the story of me in head start when I was 4 years old, where the teachers told her I acted like a little professor. I am on a crusade myself to get rid of negative and derogatory descriptors for ASD and ADHD. I do not like words like pathological or morbid, etc. I want the psychologists who may be normal in their world to realize the normality in our world. There is no need for these clinical words that make us look as if we are lacking in something.

[@Tony-jn2rf]

The absolute worst for me was waking up early for school and for work. Even now I still absolutely despise the feeling of not getting enough sleep. I remember how when I was in primary school, I used to wake up and hate the fact that i would potentially be waking up feeling like this every morning for the rest of my life. I have been repremanded so many times for oversleeping I've even lost count, but I always make up for it by being one of those employees that bring in good money and that your clients know by name.

[@zaraandrews600]

The gift thing. I love getting gifts for people, but I hate it when my gran tells me I have to send a card for an occasion. I also don't see the point of people getting me stuff that I am not going to use. I am just like 'listen, if you don't want to bother to get to know me, then don't bother with a present'. I always used to get the same presents as my sister and it felt so half-assed.

[@alter4814]

Just found your content last night, and have really enjoyed your PDA videos. I had no idea this is what PDA was and I relate to it so much. This is crazy! What a journey of self discovery. This explains my constant burnout.

[@KS-gi9uv]

I have a student who is recently diagnosed ASD (Asperger’s, but I thought that was an outdated term, and ADHD) and matches this description precisely. This video is incredibly well articulated, thank you so much. I would like to learn more about how to connect with this child and help them succeed in my classroom

[@wakeupstylellc]

Wow you are amazing! I wish there was more info out there for teachers or parents to help us , help them thrive. ❤️

[@omargoodman2999]

ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) is an umbrella condition that incorporates a lot of formerly discrete conditions including Kanner's Syndrome (aka Classical Autism), Asperger's Syndrome (now called lvl 1 ASD), Rett Syndrome, and Childhood Disintegrative Disorder (CDD, aka Heller's Syndrome). There's also a "catch-all" diagnosis called Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), for individuals who either don't clearly fit into an established category, or exhibit enough symptoms to be considered Autistic, maybe associated with one of the other categories, but not *all* of them; in which case it can also be called _subthreshold autism._ In a lot of cases, people, especially those *with* the condition, tend to _prefer_ the label "Asperger's" because it's familiar, established, and clear; all the things that someone with it would gravitate towards. So it's no longer considered _diagnostic,_ but it's still used as an informal description.

[@LGrian]

Asperbergers is outdated. People just cling to it because they don’t want their kid to be “autistic” since they associate that with profoundly autistic non verbal kids. It’s just ableism.

[@rumplstiltztinkerstein]

@@omargoodman2999 Many people hate the term Asperger's though. Because he was associated with the Nazi party. He contributed in selecting "unfit" children for the gas chambers.

[@abbrah90]

aspergers is an outdated term as its named after the autistic nazi who invented the term after his own last name, so “high functioning” autistics like himself didnt get killed in the holocaust.

[@pianocat8273]

Nearly 60, undiagnosed and currently vacillating on whether to seek diagnosis. I came across the concept of PDA a few years ago and thought that it fit me pretty well. And indeed, most of what you say in your PDA video resonates deeply with me. Maybe I will look for that diagnosis...

[@joyful_tanya]

Hi there. I'm almost 60 too. Undiagnosed but I finally got an ADHD diagnosis 2 years ago but because I am on social security disability, I couldn't continue my therapy. Medicare alone doesn't cover a lot. So, I am not seeking a diagnosis at this point, but I know I have autism. I have a "hyperlexia" component. I taught myself to read before I was 3 years old. And 100% of my now adult children are on the spectrum. That should have been a clue. But currently I am struggling with being "frozen" and not able to tackle anything except "self stimming" through watching videos. I just wanted to say hello and that I can relate to your comment. Hugs!

[@wanderingpanic7429]

Omg I needed to watch this video! Thank you, makes so much sense of my entire life. I'm late diagnosed autistic but am still piecing it all together and the bits that don't go there or where. This video answers some of it. Or at least a new rabbit hole

[@angeldude101]

This video made me remember a common comment that I received in high school during my support class: "You're really good at coming up with excuses to not do something." I always felt bad when hearing this since I wouldn't realize it in the moment, but it became obvious when pointed out like that. I think that's a pretty clear example of "Using Social Strategies to Avoid Demands" in spite of believing myself to be bad at social strategies. I can also absolutely confirm that, at least for me, it's usually about the expectations and not trusting myself to not let the person giving the request down with a poor job. Due to my ADHD, I generally set very low expectations for myself or just generally don't get too upset if I don't finish something, because I _know_ that it will probably never get finished before getting bored or distracted. I might return to something in, like, a _year,_ but until then, it's not going anywhere and shouldn't _need_ to be done right now. When directly asked to do something, that coping strategy goes straight out the window and there are actual constraints on what I need to do by when, which causes a lot of extra stress.

[@tracik1277]

People pleasing as part of masking plays havoc with the PDA elements.

[@almondmilksoda]

It really does, especially when you have to force yourself to do things you don’t want to do (homework, chores, going to school, whatever) because other people expect it from you, and then you have no time or energy left at the end of the day for stuff you ACTUALLY want to do. Rinse and repeat this for 20+ years and you end up really lost when it comes to finding out who you actually are, or what you actually want to do in this lifetime

[@tracik1277]

@@almondmilksoda You are so right about all of that!

[@estephaniezapata4714]

woah… I’m actually going through this right now.. I feel like I lost touch of who I was. I’m rediscovering myself, some days are hard though

[@tarenmauga9582]

thank you so much for this. I was diagnosed late in life in my early 40s. Listening to this was painful in some ways, but so validating and affirming. It feels better knowing there are ways to give yourself grace and to be able to have the freedom we seek. I burned out a lot towards late adolescence and in my work life to the point that my health situation became dire. Thank you for getting this information out there. It's great because we can learn how to take better care of ourselves as a way to keep the freedom we so much want.

[@Diogenes_von_Sinope]

the ratio between the size of your iris, and the size/form your eyelids hugging your iris, is damn near perfection. together with the lighting setup, your eyes look like made out of porcellain.

[@karenbean271]

I appreciate that you mentioned that parents are sometimes judged. Even though I have had very positive experiences dealing with teachers, guidance counselors, and therapists who just want to help, they still tend to believe that the tried and true parenting strategies would work if I just applied them firmly and consistently. If only!😂

[@xariltngraxefan9m]

I would love if you made a whole video about how to cope with this! I'm diagnosed (late in life) with autism and struggle a lot with what I've been calling "executive function" problems, but that didn't quite fit -- this resonates a lot better! Examples in my life: I *love* knitting, it's one of my special interests. But if I "have to" finish the project for any reason, especially if that has a date attached, it's like I become allergic to that specific project. I'll still knit, but I'll cast on something else and convince myself that I'll finish it "really quick" and then I'll work up the demanding project. 😅 I don't give knits as birthday/Christmas gifts anymore. 😂😂😂

[@3Okami.the.werewolf97]

I cross-stitch sometimes (it's not consistent, sometimes I get hooked up on it and sometimes there's nothing I can think of I could make) and I have an unfinished "project" of FnaF pixel art picture (it's a pretty big size). When I started cross-stitching it I would do that for a couple of hours everyday. But then I stopped for some reason I don't quite remember and I can't bring myself to continue. I used a lot of threads already and I feel like I have to finish it or it would be a waste of materials, but I just can't do it if I don't feel like it and if I have to force myself. So it just...lies on the shelf... I don't know if I'll ever finish it. Edit: also yeah, making gifts is hard. I only did it twice and it took quite some time and was hard to do because I didn't feel motivated. I don't know if this whole thing is related to PDA, but your comment brought up this memory.

[@TimeTravelingCrystal]

i really appreciate you shining a spot light on this~ so relatable - and seriously, probably the ONLY thing that I can say points to me possibly having ASD. I've been "masking" very well, apparently.

[@KetsuekiRose]

I'm commenting here because I was just on the 14 signs one and you have 1,111 comments and I cannot ruin that number! But THANK YOU! The work you're doing with your videos is amazing, clear, and relatable! I don't think I would have even entertained having PDA if it had been a therapist telling me, but from you I can see that we are very similar in many ways and it feels like letting out a breath I'd not known I'd been holding!

[@ashannaredwolf8485]

I’m 39 and recently diagnosed, and I feel like every day I’m finding new information that blows my mind with its insight and connections to my childhood (and eventually adult) experiences. Today, it’s this video. I’m shook at how you basically described me as a child.

[@RhianKristen]

I would love a video on coping strategies if that's something you're up for. This fits me to a T. I have both Autism and ADHD, and that thing about realising I would have to brush my teeth - or dishes... - everyday for the rest of my life. I can't... I struggle so badly with this.

[@OdinsSage]

I have these moments occassional, have for as long as I can remember, where I think about those "you'll be doing them for the rest of your life" things, and I just have an absolute panic attack or existential crisis. Then I get into the spiral of "what's wrong with me, everyone else is doing this too, why am I so stupid/lazy/pathetic that I can't handle these basic things". And then I just shut down for the rest of that day/week. The struggle is real, my friend.

[@codycampbell4702]

@odinsage I feel that

[@FenjaWonderland]

oh my gosh!! Thank you so very much for this video!! This helps me so much in not seeing myself as a selfish, mean, dominating irritating person! Even though it obviously doesn't tell me how I could better deal with this issue of standing in my own way of success in anything and everything. But I did sent this to my father and my partner as I think you explain it so very well! Thank you!

[@woutflorian]

Wow this is all so very relatable, I never heard of this PDA and I thought I've heard them all, what a revelation! Thank you for sharing!

[@Rayowag]

my cptsd adhd self looking at this: "do I need to add another one to the list?" There is nothing more upsetting to me than finally getting around to doing some body care related task and the moment I get asked by my family member if that's what I'm about to do it takes 10x the energy to still follow through instead of not doing it simply because they mentioned it to me. Same with the gift thing you mentioned lol. And I never ever thought that PDA and my school attendance and anxiety for school back then might be connected wtf woah

[@Liloldliz]

I think there's a lot of crossover between executive dysfunction in cptsd, adhd and autism and this is part of it.

[@kelceyfirth]

I relate heavily to this, I have struggled with basic hygiene and cleaning my room since childhood, I enjoyed school and if homework wasn't set I would do extra work for class but if homework was set I would never do it. I love to crochet and make things for people, but if someone specifically asks me to make something for them I'm completely incapable even though I want to it makes me too stressed. Deadlines make me so anxious and I submit almost everything like 3 weeks late and get in trouble or don't end up doing it at all.

[@Portablesounds]

This is perfect timing for me. This last week I had so much anxiety that I couldnt enjoy anything, all over me not getting chores done. Ive been blaming it all on my ADHD, but I have a very long history of the exact PDA behaviors youve described. Look forwards to talking with my therapist about it!

[@TheOoberTooberJr]

Where was this video when I needed it!? This explains so much more about myself than I realized and nailed everything on the head.