11 reasons to cut off your parents from a licensed therapist

[@yolandaponkers1581]

When my mom began therapy last year and got into how her parents had treated her, her therapist told her that she should have ended contact with them both forty years ago. They are both gone now but this confirmation from a professional gave my mom the closure she needed and deserved

[@NUFAN1313]

I was estranged from my dad for ten years and then he died a few months ago. Everyone kept telling me I'd regret not having a relationship with him. Guess what? I don't. I regret giving him the privilege of having a relationship with me for as long as I did. I don't feel regret, I feel relief.

[@nineteenfortyeight]

Same. Big hugs. People sure like to make assumptions about other people's families eh?

[@Moraca101]

Same with me and my mother. My family thought my recent at the time near-death experience would make me sympathetic and come running back in my fear of dying without family. They didnt realize that Id *been* dying for a decade and Id already experienced dying near family and it was violent and abusive. I also experienced dying in solitude, and it was far nicer. Calmer. I found a significant amount of peace. It felt so nice to build back up from that by the time I saw them again and I relish rejecting their attempts to get back into my life. After all, they only need to apologize for their actions and attempt to show theyre trying, to earn my forgiveness. If they cant even do that most basic step, then they are no more than strangers anyways.

[@yolandaponkers1581]

I’m so sorry for the circumstances that followed his passing. I totally get how you feel. I haven’t spoken to my biological dad for literally half of my life for multiple reasons, all due to him, and he had a mutual friend reach out because he got diagnosed with a health problem that could have been terminal. He felt owed some sort of closure with me and the pressure was definitely there. I’m proud of myself for not budging. I did not reach out even once and I never even considered it because what is there to say? He is doing better now from what I’ve heard. I’m glad for him. I wouldn’t wish for him to be suffering the way he was. But, I’m sure deep down he understands why he went through the process alone.

[@naimavanswol6520]

same. except i felt nothing

[@Mychannel67-wh4tc]

There are thousands of comments written by estranged adult children, parents who are estranged are ignoring all of these comments. In my case my parent frequently gave me silent treatments (sulking) lasting for up to five years. The last time she threw a tantrum I made it final. Not all parents are emotionally stable. Not all parents have the capacity to love their children. Estrangement doesn’t happen in healthy relationships.

[@MMMNemesis]

Being in control is not the same as being close with someone, but a lot of these parents think that it is.

[@MisaKeiJune]

Estrangement saved my life, and i cannot stress enough how children will remember how you made them feel and how you treated them no matter HOW old they get.

[@Moraca101]

Estrangement got me to finally go to a doctor just in time to save my life. It took months, but as I neared the appointment that finally diagnosed me, I was fully and completely aware that if I hadnt moved out in that desperate escape, I would never have seen my 25th birthday. My family would have mocked me as unmanaged hypothyroidism rotted my body from the inside. For anyone who sees this with hypothyroidism, if it is caught early and you dont feel your body failing yet, you are probably ok as long as you listen to your Doc. My condition was left until I was actively in the final stages, and obviously would be very severe.

[@cristincarter1]

As a married person, I use my husband as an excuse to get out of things and the same goes for him. I wonder how many couples take the rap for the estrangement because their spouse needs an excuse not to have contact.

[@Ironorchids]

A lot! 😂

[@stevenhuntley8706]

Just wanna point out, letting people paint you out to be the bad guy so that you can protect someone is literally superhero behavior. These people are heros. They may not be superheros, but they are heros. 💪 💪

[@illuminautical72]

My long term partner and I have the same rule between us. If he doesn’t want to do family stuff bc of past events, he’s allowed to use my chronic illnesses as an excuse. I don’t feel good and he needs to take care of me 😂 My family is much better and is also good at respecting boundaries so I can just say I’m not up to coming today. Usually no pushback. ❤ but in past friendships, my partner always said to use him as a way to get out of anything if I wasn’t comfortable setting my own boundaries yet. ❤❤

[@Moraca101]

​@illuminautical72 hell yeah, same "I have to go check on my partner" is the ultimate get out of jail free card and I have given all my good friendships and my partner that excuse.

[@Reyairia]

"Divorce" - yeah I've heard plenty of stories of someone becoming estranged from their mother or father because the estranged parent cheated on the other parent and basically caused a major disruption in the child's life.

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

My experience with my parents divorce was it was finalized days before Christmas and I was 14 at the time. However I remember being thankful when I was 11 on Thanksgiving that my parents where together. That was a foreshadowing and a warning to my dad that he needs to do better. Even with the warning he couldn't or be target wouldn't make changes.so my dad stopped being Superman as I observed him dig in his heels and stay the same. I saw him infrequently much of my adult life, but 8 years ago I was 41 when the estrangement became real looked younger than my age, but I noted that for years it seemed my dad was reliving the separation and divorce times as he began treating me the same way I'd observed he treated my mom. That's inappropriate. That summer the year I went full no contact. He nearly died. He admitted it was premeditated Andi did all I could for him as long as I could, but unfortunately that took its toll on me. I'm disabled have a multitude of health problems. By the time I knew he was in the clear I was in a full on flare and could barely function myself. He asked and wanted me to come around and I needed a break. We saw each other probably once or twice a year and that was a week of visiting him in the hospital daily. For hours at a time. I felt like he did it to have a relationship with me, but that barely existed for about 20+ years.. The last time I talked to him he changed the subject when I asked him to work on fixing things with me so I hung up because I didn't really matter to him. He's given me so many inappropriate gifts and cards and then there's the conversations wed had. So many times he was inappropriate like when he bragged that he's a good dad because he paid child support comparing that he's a better dad than deadbeat dads that he had only heard about on the news but didn't actually know any deadbeat dads. His doing the bare minimum made him a good dad in his eyes that was brag worthy to him.. Additionally he's blown cigarette smoke directly into my face too many times to count.his actions where always rejecting me. Its a death by a thousand paper cuts all his actions. I got tired of being heartbroken and disappointed, but even in telling all this again I'm in tears. The most unforgivable thing though is he insisted on doing Christmas Eve with his family after the divorce and that meant he took away his family from me and my brother because we had a tradition of doing Christmas Eve with my moms family and he became so accustomed to that tradition he wanted to keep it meaning 14 year old me and my 12 year old brother had to make a choice so we chose the tradition we knew our whole life.

[@jamiehellyeah]

My therapist helped me explore pretty much every option beyond estrangement before I landed on going no contact. I'm trans and my parents don't use my chosen name, deadnamed me in my grandparents obituary, and constantly tried to get me to come back to their religion. Even then I tried to do anything I could to fix it before I realized it was wasted effort. You gotta prioritize your emotional health. When they say things like "kids drop their parents values," from my perspective, it's just another way of being homophobic/transphobic or at the very least being judgmental about people who don't follow their idea of a "traditional" life

[@NUFAN1313]

Your values aren't the problem here, but your parent's lack of values sure as hell is. Their love is obviously conditional and lacks even the most basic amount of respect. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and for exactly who you are. I'm proud of you for having the courage to protect your peace and go no contact. It's terrifying and hurts, but it's the most liberating thing you can do. This internet stranger is rooting for you.

[@randenes]

Two internet strangers ❤ how exciting! Good luck on your path. You are loved for choosing to live. You are safe now sunshine!

[@mgr9232]

Sorry your parents have been so poor in their treatment to you. Also, I fuckin love your pfp. Wish I could enlarge it and save it!

[@Captainn4t]

I find that typically in a situation where a toxic partner does push for estrangement from the person's family, the family care more about keeping things civil and safe for their kid's return, rather then feeding into the toxic person's lies by making a big fuss and announcing it to social media. Hence why you don't really hear stories about that situation as much. Meaning...typically if a parent is making a big deal out of it, they are less likely the innocent party.

[@fleacythesheepgirl]

“Going to to therapy has become so unstigmatized” SHE SAYS THIS LIKE IT’S BAD!?

[@rubycarr2124]

And id never think I’d be on a estranged parents binge but here we are. Entertaining commentary, insightful experience, and cute dog when he’s around

[@cheeborg]

I went no contact with my parents breifly a few years ago. It was the second time I did so for my father. Im thankful they each had more self awareness than the average estranged parents. They reflected on what I said and wanted to be in my life more than they wanted to be right, more than they wanted to be victims. Most often, the child has communicated the issue(s) and would like to have HEALTHY contact with their parents. Its up to their parents at that point to decide if they love their children more than they love themselves, and if they will work on themselves.

[@cheeborg]

"Breifly" here being about 3-6 months with my mother, and around 9 months with my father

[@RychaardRyder]

my mom caught me watching this and firmly told me I'm not allowed to cut her off ever, ok sure thing

[@tally551]

Omfg! You get the whole not over cleaning thing too! When i was in contact with my parents they would complain i didnt help out enough so I'd wash the dishes when over and then my mum would complain i didnt wipe down the sides and the cupboards and the cooker or take used tea bag tub out and the bins need taking out. Yet she wont tell me this stuff, so i have to remember that task list on top of my own tasks when i get home. Btw they also didn't bother to tell me i have ADHD.

[@Ironorchids]

My estrangement from both parents was partially because of money, if you want examples, Max. My mother just flat out stole my inheritance (amongst a whole host of other stuff) and I found out that my father lost power of attorney for my grandparents because he tried to write multiple siblings out of their will. He could have easily been disbarred for all the stuff he did as their attorney, if even half of it is true.

[@linpittsburgh2375]

“The person I committed crimes against don’t like me. WHYYYYYYYY”

[@KrystalLioness]

I'm with you on so many points. But every parent has become impatient and said something they've regretted. It's funny though, if you're genuine and present for your children then they tend to be forgiving if you lose it. I enjoy your content. Keep it up!

[@randenes]

Wow ❤(genuine and present) that's beautiful. Can you describe how you feel and show that? It sounds peaceful

[@Charliesreptiles]

But that´s exactly the point. Nobody goes NC just because they parent were impatient a couple of times. Or slapped them once. Or said something not nice a couple of times. To get somebody to do this monumental thing of cutting their own parents out of their lives, the parents must have have done a lot of bad things over a long period of time.

[@linpittsburgh2375]

Yes exactly! These parents talk like OHHH this one little event caused the break. No it didn’t. If your mom has a concussion and that makes her change her behavior and become snakey and mean, then you get worried and try to help her. That actually happens all the time-parents get dementia and become giant assholes and their kids sadly help them through this last stage of their lives because of the emotional connection built in the decades previous.

[@MonoKrohm_2020]

My dad had a meltdown and called all my brothers and myself stupid. Then refused to apologize the next day That kinda shit sticks with you

[@Charliesreptiles]

@@MonoKrohm_2020 totally. But if you are all NC with him today I kinda guess that this incident was not the one and only one from an otherwise loving and kind father? If it was, you probably aren´t NC, right?

[@sofiaohrberg7015]

The communication error point is EXACTLY why i had to distance myself from my dad. My stepmom has zero emotional regulation and could go off screaming at us kids anytime, never apologized and the dysfunction of our family still to this day to not talk about it. I got severe panic attacks from supressing so much of my own emotions and thoughts because i didnt want her to get angry at me and all I want now is peace. It felt overwhelming to "stand up to them" so instead i wrote a letter and asked for them to give me space to work on myself, go through therapy and heal.

[@Charliesreptiles]

And hardly any therapist would recommend going NC "just like that". They will be very sure that this is the only way you can heal before they say that. And she forgot "playing favourites".

[@charlesp.8555]

She strikes me as sincerely wanting families to get along rather than wanting the parents to be right.

[@spicyautist]

Here’s 11 people you can blame besides yourself… in case you’re allergic to accountability

[@birdieculture-2]

Guys, parental estrangement is OK, and its "normal". Who the heck would allow any, ANY RANDOM PERSON have full power or control over another human being? If you wouldn't allow that for pets, then it should not be allowed for human beings. Any random person deciding to create someone else and thats immediate equivalent to being qualified to educating / training another human? It immediately equates to them being correct all the time? Or that they should be respected or even obeyed completely? My mum for example, created me when she was just in her early 20s, and she actually honestly genuinely thought I should obey her totally. "I am your mum, therefore u should obey me, u should listen to me no matter what" - actual words, yet she didn't even know the world shes in, she didn't even do the checking / understanding herself. She was TOLD by someone maybe equally stupid about the world and bam, shes immediately qualified to tell another human (me) what to do? Come on! How are we supposed to take this seriously? Do u have any idea how many things shes been wrong, and till now still is? No fact checking, nothing, just "you should obey" ffs!

[@FernandaHernandez-ks1te]

She’s yelling in monotone Omg

[@horsegal1971]

Parental alienation is a thing. I'm a step mom. My step daughters were punished when they came to see us. Their mother was extremely abusive to them and was also abusive to their dad. The mom was a narcissist and was involved in a cult. She had a relationship with another man the entire time she was married to my now husband and the same relationship continued in her next marriage. The mom passed away.. We made peace right before she died. I now have a really good relationship with my step daughters now. They see the toxicity that was and now know a healthy relationship. If only my mother would try as hard as I did.. 😢

[@creamworks8798]

Your voice is very relaxing. Thanks for helping me through my own estrangement.

[@Mychannel67-wh4tc]

I monitored estranged parents & one openly commented that he “sidestepped” the issue his son has with parents, because he didn’t want to “rehash” the past. All Adults are the result of childhood & the past has to resolved, these estranged parents can’t go there so they disinherit & play victim.

[@lolalo6344]

these estranged parents remind me so much of people who say "I didnt agree to the break up, so we are still dating." like, you dont have to agree for someone to not want contact with you anymore

[@maryanne1830]

The thing is if your child is in an abusive relationship, your focus should be on how to be a safe and supportive person so that they can still have a relationship with you. Because victims of intimate partner violence often feel a lot of shame that they haven't left their partner, especially if you've seen how they're being treated. So that should be your focus - how to care for your child and be a safe and non-judgmental support. That should be your focus. If you are preoccupied with your own pain because you're abused child isn't talking to you then consider that your child has an abusive partner and an abusive parent.

[@mittenista]

Ah, yes. The real problem is that there isn't enough stigma around therapy 🙄

[@KittyScythe]

As tough as my relationship with my parents is, I really struggle with this stuff with my older siblings. I'm much younger than them, and so in some ways they were very "parentalized" and as a result feel the same kind of entitlement to have an opinion and be critical of my life--like a parent. I'm low contact with 2 (and with my parents) and completely cut off the 3rd sibling this past year. It's really hard and painful...

[@MonoKrohm_2020]

Low/no contact with all of my siblings as well. Not a fan, but that’s how it is

[@eveofthewood]

@20:25 My husband has a tendency to be controlling, but in his mind he's "helping." By trying to "help," he doesn't let me do things on my own. Sometimes I don't even want him to do the things he does, but he's "helping" so I can't get mad. It's infuriating.

[@GlorabellaJBrealm]

Sooo the family secret where my mother made me swear to never tell a soul is that my dad cheated on her. Womp womp.

[@DC71235]

I used to think that about my dad who worked all of the time. I thought he worked so hard for my sister and I But after he retired and would not even get lunch with me (because he thought that people would think he was on a date with me,..cringe) was hurtful. He could talk to my husband but avoid me. I finally woke up when he said something creepy to my daughter l. I am done putting him in a pedestal for being a work addict.

[@lizblock9593]

Regarding the issue of one post-divorce parent running down the other, I found it a little condescending that she didn't acknowledge that the adult child might clearly recognize the what the manipulating parent is doing. Like we're not stupid! I thought her video was pretty well balanced, nice to see.

[@kahare9565]

Plenty of kids swing back the other way as adults when they realize how much their parent manipulated them.

[@rollfaceonkeyboard]

I was the family secret, I was very ill as a child and it was the elephant in the room every single day of my life. I felt unwelcome everywhere. I went to a Christian school with a Christian family so it was a challenge to my faith from the devil. Specifically the secret was how I almost died 2 times. Both of them were due to medical neglect from my parents.

[@rollfaceonkeyboard]

This lady does present a pretty neutral perspective on this issue, I don't think it's bad or fantastic.

[@Maximmmino]

I try not to respond to too many comments Otherwise i respond to all of them So i go through and like them as I read But I'm sorry that you were forced to be a secret You deserved better

[@Luke-zv6bb]

Pretty much all the emerging literature in marriage counseling now is saying ur suppose to teach the healthy patterns and when the bad ones come up it’s gotta get called out, like if u can’t build the relationship without all the malicious adverse experiences like neglect, physical or sexual abuse, u are not building a relationship, this when u do those things u are ALREADY separated, the bond breaks, it’s impossible. Moving through the world understanding that can release so much of the shame we carry, what we can do is build new relationships with people but again that relationship doesn’t exist if that bond breaks u have to rebuild from the ground up and r(e)introduce each other when the time is right. Just understand with grief, that likely u never had that connection if u were being mistreated, and frankly, u don’t have to have hangups about what u did wrong, they chose not to have a relationship with u from the beginning, on purpose.

[@lightningmcqueen4202]

20:53 i need to hear that so bad dude you have no idea

[@Lei-AICPhD]

So, so, so Very Much Agree!!!

[@kahare9565]

Subscribed recently and it’s been really soothing to listen to your thoughts on the topic. I hope you’re finding the making of the content enjoyable since you got a bit pigeonholed. My father was an abusive narcissist (this isn’t pop psych it’s very much the case) and re: ‘money’ it is absolutely the parent who cares. My father was much more of a covert narcissist and he basically got off on getting praise for buying his kids wonderful things, and then holding that ‘generosity’ (that we often didn’t ask for) over our heads forever. He would constantly bring it up and demand thanks, it was quite gross. I think too often this isn’t seen for what it is, financial abuse, because it’s a parent not a partner.

[@quasidroid8389]

This probably isn't a good way to look at this, but the funniest thing about parental alienation in my situation was that both of my parents tried to do it constantly and the result is me, quite literally, telling them both I believe them equally and would be cutting them both off. Although to be fair, I didn't do this until I was 30 and fairly certain they both actually told the truth about each other. Turns out it's assholes all the way down! 😂

[@JewelApril13]

"their version" like it's a lie or some shit. Gen Xer's, and Boomers just can't take any blame can they, and enable one another. ugh

[@Jackqinunama]

My family secret: my uncle is adopted and he doesn’t know. …..

[@katiehutt8931]

I told my parents to not bother to leave me anything. their other kids can fight over whatever is left

[@haleyspence]

This lady seems like she knows her audience is those estranged parents, not the kids. which would definitely account for the word choices you had issues with, it's her meeting them where they're at. Like the issue with her implying a sexuality is a choice-- people who think that are so. far. gone. down that pipeline that saying "sexuality isn't a choice" is going to immediately make them shut down and stop listening. Getting them to stop rejecting the child for their sexuality is the first step towards them sucking less in a holistic sense. My biggest family secret: I might have a brother I've never met. At a funeral once, a younger man went up to my sister, introduced himself with our last name, and said he "just wanted to meet her" and then. fucking. left. the funeral hadn't even started. My sister and I are plotting to get my dad really intoxicated sometime (vices he already engages in quite legally) and see if we can get him to fess up to the story behind that incident.

[@Crysomandiaz]

I just hate when my parents are attached to a licensed therapist…

[@xenonsan3110]

So I actually have a real anecdote for the in-law concept where it's the child's problem and not the parents. I know someone who recently got married within the last year. His mom is a widow and has been happily living with her boyfriend of a decade for a while now. Ever since the son married his wife and moved out of the city they are in its like he's flipped a switch. He won't talk to her because he's convinced she's "living in sin" and wants her to marry him as a pre-requisite to reconciling their relationship. We are all pretty sure this is because of influences from his wife, his wife's family, and maybe the church they attend. Everyone who has met her boyfriend knows he's a pretty nice dude, totally opposite in personality of her late husband (not in a bad way)

[@SweetlySickening13]

My mother keeps lots of secrets. When my daughter was a year old I came over to my parents house to visit. I had a cat that I couldn't take with me because the rental we had didn't allow pets. Well, I was looking for my cat and turn to my father to ask where she was. Turns out my mother had her put to sleep without informing me and she wasn't going to inform me at all. The reason: She thought my cat pooped on the carpet.

[@mothboy420]

WHAT

[@Long_May_They_Raine]

Another longer video, loving that so much 💖🤧

[@laurablack8700]

Your content is really great, I’ve enjoyed it so much, thank you!

[@jasmindisney8787]

I can relate to that, i never say shit i don't mean in anger, i just say mean shit

[@linpittsburgh2375]

25:27 what is she talking about here? My parents and I share the same values in pretty much everything and we aren’t estranged. My parents are flawed humans who made mistakes but who, amazingly, did not hit me or berate me or emotionally abuse me about it. When these parents talk about making one mistake in a tough situation I think no, one mistake in a tough situation is my dad losing his cool and snapping “why are you being such a bitch” when I was a teenager and acting very bitchy. When it’s ONE mistake, ONE time (which is the case with my dad) then you forgive and put it in the past. When it’s one mistake on a long string of incidences of verbal abuse over decades, then you cut them off bc they are never going to change. Oh, and I don’t think my parents will leave me any money. If they do, it will be when I am eighty bc my mom was 20 when I was born and women in her family live to be 100. They didn’t help pay for college. They didn’t help me buy a house. They didn’t buy my love, they gave me actual love.

[@AuDHDVee]

9:51 Ahhhhh welp thanks for showing your true colors in the first couple minutes of the video, Lady. ETA: she wasn't as bad as I expected; but there were still a couple times where it felt a little off in a way i can't quite put my finger on. Like she was better than the others we've watched here, but I am not sure what to think about her after just one video from her so further investigation is warranted for me.

[@linpittsburgh2375]

Her language is subtly condescending to the adult children. She is not taking their complaints and concerns as seriously as the parents’. “They claim” versus “they say” for example. “Claim” has a connotation of trying to get something, or saying something is yours. You claim credit for leading a project at work. You claim an inheritance. “Say” is neutral, you aren’t trying to get anything. You are just telling facts. So she is very subtly saying the parents are making more sense and the kids are reaching for justifications.

[@dillchives]

I think a lot of it is that she's speaking FOR the adult children, but her reasoning for them seems pretty disingenuous and generally condescending. It's the same way the parents tell their children what they're actually thinking, instead of listening to what they're saying. Since her audience is the estranged parents, there is a lot of subtle phrasing and "wink, wink, you know what I'm saying" that they can use to still blame the children. I see so many comments from the parents about how the things their children say about them are "lies" and say, "Why should I apologize for things that didn't happen?", so if she throws out some off base reasons for estrangement, it soothes them into maintaining that it's not their fault. Then they can use the Joshua Coleman manipulation techniques (that she endorses) to force contact without feeling guilty. Plus there's a lot of third party blaming in most of what she does. Her comment sections are full of the parents, and she mostly only "loves" their comments. Also, whenever anyone starts their video or comment with something along the lines of, "I'm not talking about the TOXIC or ABUSIVE parents, of course" (1:40), it immediately screams that what you hear next is not going to be sincere or come from an honest place.

[@hellogoodbyegrl14]

As somebody who is no longer in contact with their sister and she has decided to no longer have contact with my mom as well, I’m just wondering if there’s anyone else out there who has watched so many of these videos and can’t even a little bit compare these moms to their own but still deal with estrangement?

[@roxyhart5692]

My brother has gone low contact with my mother and it breaks my heart, but I understand why. And I probably should too but I'm tightly wound, I think of her as one of my best friend but also one of my most hurtful people. Edit: and now she's talking about financial support and being in a tough spot. This past six months I've been on extended sick leave and my father has helped me majorly and it fucking breaks my heart too..

[@stevenhuntley8706]

I hate the blaming the partner and claiming it's because they sleep with you, it's effectively saying you're not talking to them not because they abused you and refuse consistently and repeatedly to be better, it's AKSHUALLY because you're just so horny that you'll cut out your family for some booty. It's just so openly disrespectful and people are surprised it doesn't work out for them.

[@laifairy]

I hate that she keeps saying "adult child" These 'children' are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, + and I find it very belittling to continue to call them 'children'. It feels on par with 'man child'. It feels like she's implying that they still have to have an 'actual adult' around. That they aren't fully mature or grown. Comment below on what you would prefer instead of 'adult child'

[@rubycarr2124]

First

[@katecrosby7890]

Third