252. The Argument for Arguing

[@markozatezalo9892]

U should make a video about signs that you are healing properly (or not healing)✌️

[@TheLoveChat]

Great topic idea!

[@РуменКовачев-р2е]

Great one!

[@alzedi98]

damn this a good one!

[@AUmarcus]

I'd sure like to know about that...

[@chasesebastian3064]

Marko Zatezalo yes!!!!

[@stevenpavia3647]

Rory - you’ve carried me through a bad breakup- now this video speaks to me as I try to save the next one. Thank you very much!

[@ashleyoverthinkslots]

what if my partner always gets defensive and refuses to change when I'm communicating "I'm hurt by your words/actions/attitude", it seems like a lost cause

[@JamieFacts]

Hi Rori, loved the video. Can you perhaps make a follow up video on how we can do healthy arguing when in long distance? When you're not able to hold your partner's hand, have the mirror etc, what can be done as an alternative?

[@Jordantzd]

James Everett same! LDR arguments

[@puffypopify]

I think Jordan peterson talked about this. He said something along the lines of you want a partner that you can contend with in the long term but not so much that you tear them completely apart so that if a huge problem arises unrelated to your relationship but still affects the life of you and your partner that you can actually work through it together as a team because the basis of trust and communication is there between you.

[@gaddaitherage8204]

Like you said, listening is huge, because often times the argument is a manifestation from a different but related matter. It’s buried in there somewhere, and it is important to listen between the lines to figure out what the argument is really about. Anyways, Rory it is real cool when you also do this type of videos on dating and healthy relationships. I know ex-back videos probably get more clicks, but I know you will explore more contents like this. Keep it up!

[@mamoud6648]

I don't see it as arguing, I see it as understanding the other person.

[@johnnyb4181]

This is extremely helpful I wish I had this information years ago because reflecting back I was unhealthy but this puts it into a good perspective I feel like this is something everyone should hear because not a lot of people think about how they argue myself included.

[@geronimoventi6914]

Hey, Rory. First of all, thanks again for another great addition to a wonderful resource. From the male to female direction, Corey Wayne says any guy that argues with a woman simply doesn't understand women. How can you avoid being a doormat and building resentment, but instead communicate your thoughts, beliefs, concerns, opinions, needs, and values without fighting? I don't consider every discussion consisting of some conflict a fight or even an argument, but I would like to resolve it as a team versus the problem instead of us against eachother as you said. How can people integrate these two schools of thought about conflict resolution in balance to avoid fights, but also effectively communicate clearly without being a doormat. Arguments certainly will happen, even if rarely, and done well by both partners. It doesn't mean avoid arguing as the man at all cost, or to fight like animals either. How can people maintain clear boundaries but stay reasonable and understanding in disagreements, or potentially conflict. Conflict isn't bad. Oil and water are in conflict but are a team in any salad dressing. I just wonder how Corey Wayne believes you should never argue with a woman as a man. That seems extreme

[@chevy2583]

Great as always. Looking forward for my coaching with you on May 28.

[@JawJawWarWar]

Hey Rory, how would you advise continuing no contact with a co-worker? Your videos are great man, cheers for all the inspiration! Almost at the 7 week mark, and finally starting to sort out major issues in my life, so thanks for being a big help mate.

[@hadessini449]

Hi Rory, could you do a video of the situation where the one that has been dumped has regulary arguments inside his head with his ex?

[@1CAG]

This is gold! Thank you Rory! Pulse

[@Joe-dt7wp]

Something I would like to know that you could possibly make a video about is how the 'dumper experience' will vary in current COVID times. How will being stuck in the house, alone with their thoughts, only having family for company affect them? Thanks

[@Elmaffo2008]

My ex ended it because arguing was to much for her. What now?

[@scootdoot5347]

Let it go nd move on

[@punpun2607]

Rory upload another video about cheating please thankyouu this video is helpful as always

[@TheLoveChat]

I'll look into this!

[@omgitsarjun]

Important Question for those of us who have just been dumped/going through a recent break-up. With COVID-19 and everyone on lockdown, what is our move if our ex reaches out? We can't schedule a meet up, or really get out there to do as many interesting things/experiences as we would normally as we're confined to our homes. I'm working on myself the best I can: body, soul and mind but there are limiting factors as mentioned above and this is a unique experience. Whats the plan here Rory!? Thanks for all you do.

[@schuylerwednesday4679]

Thank you for this very interesting and useful topic that can be applied outside of a romantic relationship.Please make a video on vulnerability and broken trust and broken words and promises.I initially held myself pretty well and was solidly independent when my recent ex and I were in the initial stage of the relationship.he wanted me to rely on him and consistently kept his words and when the time came that I finally believed him he and I already let my guard down that's when he ended stuff.but those were not the reason for the breakup.so if you have other insights on broken trust and vulnerability,those would be great topics.with this video now it cemented my thoughts on one of the things my ex and I lacked and should have done but seeing and knowing how he is now especially to me I realized I am not solely to blame for the relationship demise cuz even if I try to have a productive conversation he just refuses and holds on to his ego.shows how he clearly lacks proper and effective communication.so that's one of the reasons I've been doing no contact cuz it's useless getting even a decent conversation with him and I'm gonna keep going.

[@cherrybacon5154]

What do you do when your partner stonewalls you and won't even talk to try and resolve the issues? 🍒

[@cherrybacon5154]

How do you cope with your partner constantly being moody and snapping at you over the least thing? I handled it calmly but then after drinking, I flipped out at him big time. I thought his reasons for being like this was because he was cheating on me. How do I get past this? 🍒

[@onyxnobl3]

My ex broke up with me a few months ago without giving a reason and pretty much slowly distancing. She would like my posts on IG then started blocking me everywhere her friends did the same. I heard from a friend that she still loved and thought about getting back together eventually but didn't want to unblock me. One day I ask a mutual friend how she was doing (reason: epidemic), that same night my ex texted me threatening to sue me for stalking her and added that she didn't love me and wants nothing to do with me and she's blocked since. Did I do something wrong here cause more than hurt I'm confused. What would be the cause of an emotional 180?

[@marielchavez6337]

My ldr ex argued to the point he insulted me and things just went rocky. It was through text but after the breakup he said he has major feelings for me still and we was willing to be friends after time passes. Is there still hope we can get back together?

[@devilcwesker5980]

love chat, I have a strong feeling about the topic of cheating, and lately my ex(whos already in a relationship with someone else, they are already facebook official) we have been texting and im very flirty by nature so the conversations are not just friendship related and I found out she was going out with someone. She has lied to him by telling him, I was just an old friend of hers or someone she knew in high school. So the guy is really in love with her and thinks shes the perfect one, when in reality Ive been in the background the entire time, like she dates him to make me jelous ect. That doesnt bother me but what does is seeing someone in love with something fake.

[@gaddaitherage8204]

Devil C Wesker I once had a gf from 15 years ago who had a stalker ex bf, but she still strings the poor guy along. Once we were heading out the door and he was around the corner. He came up to me and enthusiastically shook my hands. Turned out she told him I’m her cousin. He finally put two and two together and confronted me outside her door the next week. It was ugly and tbh I felt for the guy. Nowadays I would sometimes joke that I’d rather be the lover than the boyfriend. The former is about fantasy and adventure, while the latter gets all the mundane errands. But jokes aside, be careful of your situation. She is doing it to her man now, but she can easily do this to you in the future. I ended things with my ex 15 years ago because the relationship eventually turned sour and I ended it to remain sane. Turned out she repeated the pattern with her next couple of bfs.

[@devilcwesker5980]

@@gaddaitherage8204 Funny thing is, same here she was 16 also had a stalker much older them her and he was already married. It turned sour and I broke up with her. I return after 3 months so see what happend to her and she lied about having a partner. Im not being cheated on but nor am I stalking her. She wants to talk to me in private ;). The guy shes with is the one being cheated on as he tinks shes a good girl, he already spammed his facebook account with pics of her and him.After me doing the deed I going to tell her to tell him the thruth but, im not going to be back with her shes shit. But I dont like seeing a guy beeing cheated on

[@devilcwesker5980]

@@gaddaitherage8204 certainly reply, i would really lile to know ur thoughts

[@gaddaitherage8204]

Devil C Wesker I didn’t realize she’s that young. 16 is too early to start this type of behavior (if ever). You are right to let her go and leave the situation. Thing is, in most situation, even if there is no proof, your gut is usually right. Trust it. As much as I’d like to give people benefit of a doubt, people don’t often change and someone with a spotty history is hard to take seriously. There are so many people out there and someone damaged like that is definitely not worth it.

[@devilcwesker5980]

@@gaddaitherage8204 i mean we are 19 now but yeah, I had that gut feeling about it and it was constant trouble about it as she would avoid the question. Our last date was about to solve such problem and she revealed it and I told her to stop contacting him and she said maybe(=no) so thats the moment I knew nothing could be done. I have another strong gut feeling that shes doing the samething with the new guy but now the background is me. Yeah man as u said shes damaged, she was almost a keeper, im about to date someone new after this thing with my ex is over

[@studentofthegame-stg1178]

Boundaries are important

[@geoffreycarroll5351]

Rory what about true needs vs conditional love needs? My ex left me for living at home to save money in my 30s vs wasting it on an apartment. She communicated that she wouldn’t stay if I didn’t move out. That’s not a need, but for her it was a dealbreaker. 2 years and 2 breakups over something dumb imo

[@stephenkeating7714]

Hi Rory, I hope you are good! I just bumped into my ex girlfriend on tinder and I am shaking like a leaf! I swiped right. Should I have? I'm surprised you havent done a video on this. I'm kind of annoyed with myself as its 2 years since break up, but I can,t help how I feel Stephen

[@loubnaaitbelkacem8650]

How can I help on Patreon?

[@TheLoveChat]

On Patreon you get exclusive episodes, livestreams with a much smaller group of people, and a free copy of my book. If you would like to support just visit www.patreon.com/thelovechat

[@loubnaaitbelkacem8650]

Thank you, well do!

[@heytechno4347]

Rory, can you make a video. How to handle your ex gf who keep reach out everytime you goin no contact. I don’t want her back and move on but at the same time I don’t want to burn the bridge? The reason is everytime she reach out to me, I’ll be addicted to her!

[@Centrifuze]

I'm thinking about purchasing a Skype session, but before I do, I'm curious... Do you feel confident in talking about BPD?

[@TheLoveChat]

While I can (and sometimes do) coach situations involving BPD it is no substitute for working with your local mental health professional!

[@niallwalters8201]

Hey, recently out of no contact as my ex has started messaging me again, but only to say they’re in a relationship? Should I go back into no contact and ignore them as they are constantly reaching out every few days to see how I’m doing (I’ve explained I find it difficult being just friends and I am still replying just for the sake) just confused and want to know the best course of action :)

[@chasesebastian3064]

Niall Walters thats pretty narcissistic! I would move away from that

[@alzedi98]

I think a "harsh truths" topic might be good. As in "You need to hear this now" type of information: The relationship IS over the moment they chose to walk away Friendship is NOT an option (in applicable cases of course) Take the hint Etc. etc. etc.

[@TheLoveChat]

I'll consider this. There is a time, place, and way to say all this. Many people struggle with hearing this type of bluntness.

[@alzedi98]

​@@TheLoveChat of course! I didn't mean "lay it all on the table now -reality slap to the face-" kind of way. I'm sure you'll find a way not be harsh on it.

[@alzedi98]

@@TheLoveChat btw I want to take this opportunity to personally thank you. Your videos helped a lot and pulled me out of a strong and dangerous depression. I'm even inclined to say you and DG stopped me from taking my own life. I'm happy yo say I got over it and I am now happy with a new partner in my healthiest relationship so far, good work opportunities, better grades in college and more confident than ever before. So thanks a ton for that! Sending you love and best wishes from Mexico

[@donkndave7811]

We never argued. She just ended it and left. DA and I got too close (I think, idk because she didn't talk to me.).

[@chloebignell9674]

Hey Rory, my ex watches my all my stories on Instagram but doesn’t follow me. I don’t like thinking too much about it but would you say this is a good sign?

[@TheLoveChat]

Hard to say! Certainly not a bad sign but I would be very careful about trying to make it mean something! Temper your expectations!

[@chloebignell9674]

The Love Chat cheers Rory it’s weird I’m kinda over it already I just find the behaviour strange

[@genesebelius4466]

Love this video. I am going to get my wife to watch it with me.

[@lols5851]

Rory.... During my no contact period, I have been posting alot of funny memes on my social media. Did I break my no contact? I mean, I can't stop my freedom of laughing because of my ex. lol Some of my friends suggested me that this will push your ex away even more. Is it true? So Did I break my no contact?😁

[@Ptolemy336VV]

ya dammit. I had a 11 year long relationship, that was for the mass majority part incredible and always solvent, always kind, always good-willing, always growing into eachother. And always giving eachother the benefit of the doubt. Arguing always made us come closer. And THEN I had a 5 months long relationship, of which 4 months where incredible, and then 2 discussions, where I was sticking to an argument and to certain values of mine, and this girl, didn't listen, didn't want to reason, and was incredibly stubborn. And then? 4 weeks straight her spiraling into negativity. She went from being over the clouds with me to blame gaming, not listening, avoiding me, not wanting to talk, more and more avoidant, her opinion as her truth, full on assumptions blanketing our relationship, projecting, and being very judgmental, while she says she never judges... irony. Like ultimately she broke up with me, saying we don't have harmony, (and thus Im not harmonic), that im drama (when noone ever in my life, including my 11 year long past relationship), and that she doesn't see us being together. when she is the one who never ever mentioned an issue constructively, but rather as a bill on a plate that is fixed and unchangeable. I stood for this relationship like a rock, did my all to reason with her but she didn't want to, or would say: I don't know. Or "that's your truth, my opinion is my truth" to every single thing. When she simply didn't had counter arguments to things she was lying about. In any case. And then she has a horrible ex apparently and somehow she is unwilling, intolerant of wanting to fix anything, and so on.

[@Ptolemy336VV]

And then when I listen to this video, "stop avoiding the argument". O well. Noone is perfect. However. I see a distinction between having had 2 arguments where we both made choices (without knowing how we would react to eachother) that could have been better. But that would just easily be solved when we would talk about it. That never happened. And those are very normal things that can happen between people. And that is also not consistently and consciously doing the same thing over and over, because then it's on purpose. And that is a big difference with how she consistenly for weeks completely was unable to be reasoned with, and for weeks being in this negative spiral, and for weeks no willingness or pro-active to solve anything. And that is something I have a bigger problem with. That she literally gave this relationship zero chance to solve anything. Not a single chance. While in a relationship, like in my past 11 year long relationship, you talk, you discuss constructively, you make little mistakes, but you forgive eachother and always give the benefit of the doubt, you are both goodwilling and loving. And hence you have a really wonderful relationship for many years. But not with this girl. And yet Im focusing on the things I could have done better, when I have never heard a single thing from what she could have done better.

[@scootdoot5347]

It was another dude behind the scenes or as they say a friend

[@rush5183]

1st