262. Listen first (Conflict Resolution)

[@TheLoveChat]

Hello Friends - my link to get mental health counseling through "BetterHelp" is live: betterhelp.com/rory If you are looking to try mental health counseling but don't have insurance, or live in a part of the world where it is harder to do then this is your chance to get the help. I'm in talks with the company to interview one of their counselors so we can hear the opinions and thoughts of what a typical session is like, their thoughts on breakups and reconciliation with an EX, and much more. BetterHelp only employs licensed mental health professionals (State & board certified)! I am sponsored by BetterHelp - seems like a win-win.

[@robenlow3292]

I hear and see a lot from people seeking relationships that communication is the most important factor in a relationship but I don't think people really understand what that means. I know I didn't and I lost a great relationship. It's more than just having something to talk about and share but also this right here...listening. I think back on my recent relationship where I didn't listen...didn't hear how important certain things were to her and it bred contempt and resentment until she gave up. Lesson learned the hard way

[@TSBFORGE]

Same. After 18 years.

[@cherrybacon5154]

All I ever wanted from my Ex was to be acknowledged and heard. To know my thoughts and feelings were valued. That I mattered. Actions not promises. What I got were threats of cheating. Emotional abuse. Being used for money and belongings. Convenience. And the worst, sex. 🍒

[@everilliem3292]

Same here

[@petaakolarov135]

Working things out with my ex, after 4 months of 98% no contact

[@anja7787]

How? Who wronged who? How do you forgive? How do you not fear the past repeat of abandonment?

[@petaakolarov135]

@@anja7787 there wasnt abandonment, at the end it was fairly amicable.. the time apart was needed. Stay strong out there

[@lolpasta1353]

hey rori , another amazing video ! could you please make a video about how quarantine positivity or negatively affect no contact :)

[@natalitennis]

I am very happy that you are making videos for dating and all kinds of relationships ,Rory , not only for break ups! I stopped listening your videos , because I was starting thinking about my ex and this was stopping me from moving on! Thank you for your support and wise words! I am very grateful that you exist!

[@TheLoveChat]

I'm grateful for viewers like you!

[@schuylerwednesday4679]

Just got back with my LDR ex who broke up with me 8 months ago.the breakup became messy and I made many mistakes during no contact.i was having such a hard time throughout the breakup on top of the fact I am dealing with health problems.but now we agreed to take to give it a shot and take things slow.i was really surprised he wanted to fix things after he has been very mean and even cruel to me.he probably realized he didn't want to lose me.this is the type of videos that I need to be the part of a solution and to impart to him too.i am still getting used to our reconnection and it's not been easy.fingers crossed.

[@TheLoveChat]

Congratulations!

[@schuylerwednesday4679]

@@TheLoveChat I was not expecting this but this is even harder.i watched your previous videos connected with this topic and I applied it when I talked to him and shared this approach in hopefully making our communication and relationship better this time.i hope you make more future videos on the topic if you have more insights.i would love to know your opinion on having maturity than compatibility.thank you.

[@jonwright9266]

This gives me hope

[@schuylerwednesday4679]

@@jonwright9266 what's your story?

[@FlatEnough]

"This one 's gonna be important so sit the hell down, an listen closely" Good point, indeed many folk just listen out of habit and for comfort. Emotions run wild after breakups. Be mindful while listening, everyone. Take in the information.

[@deepikabali9199]

Problem with everyone is that they do not listen to understand, they listen to reply... I just listen to your logic and feel happy from inside!❤️❤️💞💞 Thank you Rory!

[@TheLoveChat]

Well said!!

[@tindplus3505]

I did this and I used to listen just to reply and slowly he lost interest in me and dumped me 😭

[@deepikabali9199]

@@tindplus3505 hey don't worry, there's always a time and room for improvement. You'll climb your ladder up soon don't be sad just work on yourself that's it.

[@rachelsymonds3313]

My 16 year relationship came to an end all because we couldn’t communicate effectively and both had to be right - wish I heard this sooner but I’m working on myself to ensure that I’m a better person for the future and for the benefit of my kids

[@PJ-wj7wv]

Another great video. Thank you. Keep up the good work!

[@TheLoveChat]

Thanks, will do!

[@charliemvrphy]

Shoot, I wasn’t listening... could you repeat that? Great video Rory! Awesome message 😅

[@baphometbby]

I wish I saw this last week. Now it’s over. He even said he thought we would be fine (after the poorly handled arguments) if I didn’t talk to him every day because he’s upset sometimes and neeeds to be alone. I didn’t give him enough space. He told me he felt it wasn’t working out a few days later. I was just trying to tell him he was making a bad decision and I understand his feelings but I thought it could be worked out. I said I would change. We broke up 3 days ago. I took it fine but the next day I tried to apologize again. And the next day I tried to tell him the arguments weren’t his fault and I was just upset. Now I’ve been in no contact for 2 days. He used to say that I was the only one he wanted to be with. Then he said I wasn’t who he thought I was in the course of a week. Could’ve been avoided.

[@petaakolarov135]

Thank you for the video man! Could you please make one on the love languages? I recently discovered how important those are and how they can help save a relationship

[@TheLoveChat]

Here you go: kzbin.info/www/bejne/q2TUeJ1se5lobLc

[@punpun2607]

This is very helpful Rory thankyou for legit content💖💖💖

[@TheLoveChat]

You're so welcome!

[@VermontV8]

The problem in communication is that people listen to respond, while the point is to listen to understand

[@cherrybacon5154]

What do you do when the person you're listening to won't listen to you? When they interrupt and finish your sentences for you. When they talk or shout over you? Through you? 🍒

[@DonMcClain2015]

Love the channel, Rory! Thanks for the guidance. I have a unique sitation, I think.....My ex was a former Swinger and in an Open Marraige previously. She had a hard time connecting emotionally, for obvious reasons. It was noticable. She lived "The Lifestyle" for 15 years with her ex. Its really hard to connect with her emotionally, and sex with her is almost robotic...like she is not there, disconnected. We dated for six months and she dumped me because I wanted more of a connection with her. And, she is now with someone else (no surprise). Any suggestions? Can you do a video on something like this? Thanks again!

[@Rose_Roblox233]

Thank you for this video! Could you please make a video for when the other person leaves you saying it’s because they are in depression and that they need time

[@laizalosabio4416]

My ex said the same

[@me0wkyu]

Thanks for keeping us sane during our breakups.. do you have contents on the substitute for face to face interactions when an ex reaches out, given that COVID has put some people on lockdown?

[@TheLoveChat]

Skype/Hangouts/Facetime all work!

[@me0wkyu]

@@TheLoveChat thank you! I might just be overthinking... But ill focus on me, moving forward. Be a better partner to my next man be it my ex or not.. thanks!!!

[@tindplus3505]

My ex used to say " listen to understand n don't listen to reply " this made me feel sad and guilty 😭😭😭😭. I lost him because of my behavior.

[@TheLoveChat]

No worries! Just something to work on for the future!

[@airickaw8791]

Starting no contact! Wish me luck. Literally 6 days ago my ex was planning a vacation with me, then 5 days ago she "can't give me what I deserve", 4 days ago I go to pickup my stuff and she tries to get me to be intimate. I turned her down and said that it doesn't sound like she knows what she want, and please call me if she does, but thanks for letting me move on. Unfortunately I accidentally butt dialed her today. She texted me asking if i wanted to talk. I told her sorry for the butt dial, of course I'd like to talk, because frankly I'm confused by her actions of the last few days, but I'll respect her space right now. She responded, "I don't think rehashing things right now would be good. I just want you to be happy".... now I'm going back into NC. Wish me luck

[@airickaw8791]

I've also checked and she hasn't removed the "in a relationship" title on FB, and continues to like my posts. Wtf. I wont be caddy and unfriend her. She can watch my progress from a distance!

[@annaserale9850]

hey rory can you make a video on how to handle the apology text from an ex

[@anja7787]

I have trouble forgiving. Even if they've asked for forgiveness and has not done anything for a few months, it is always going to be in the back of my mind that they will do xyz.

[@moongoddess2100]

During the last days of our relationship, I was going through a tough time but I never told my ex about it. It was partially because we were drifting apart but I never really tried telling him what was going on. This weighs down on consciousness even a year after the brkup and no contact. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. And have moved on but sometimes I wonder whether I should let him know or just let it be.

[@airickaw8791]

Leave it be since so much time has passed. He probably has forgiven you, and is a new person too

[@gerardbiagan]

I wish both me and my ex listened to one another. And even if she didn't I wish I had really reflected and listened. She wanted to work in the U.S., i did not agree. I gave in to my fear and anxiety. She did not make her true plans clear until the date of departure was a few months away

[@anahitakhormaee9351]

Hi I have a question me and my bf broke up 2 weeks ago because he told me that this relationship isn't anything special to him but he loves me and wants to communicate with me but I told him I don't want that and broke up and he said never text or call me again. I didn't contact him since then Do I have the chance of getting him back???

[@nationnat1025]

Is it true that women dumpers are less likely to come back than men? I mean, it's just what I've seen in forums online. Magnet of Success says that they will remember their ex bf's mistakes longer and will find it harder to forgive and forget. Sounds like the Fading Affect Bias doesn't really work on women if this is all true. Makes me feel like my situation is hopless given this and the postbreakup mistakes I've made

[@flower6186]

my ex is posting sad words on instagram and making it as his highlight stories, why is that?

[@freezyjahau2995]

Missing you ... Probably... Trying to bait you to talk to him... Unless he send you a message , call or direct contact ... Then don't fall for it... It boost their ego

[@flower6186]

FREEZY love mom and even if I did, I'll be left on read. And the quotes are about during a relationship, but me and him aren't in a relationship anymore so I know that could not be talking about me. But to put it as highlights, doesn't that mean something when he could've just... kept it.

[@freezyjahau2995]

How long have it been after your break up? People don't forget exes easily... Thats not how human behaviour goes as far as evidence shows.. So, social media is a way of communicating our emotions , but we often post to get attention... And social media is a fake world... We post in social media based on emotions mostly.... Do you get my point. He"s trying to grab your attention

[@flower6186]

FREEZY love mom I do understand. He could've just dmed me... We broke up 3 months ago. His birthday was a couple of days ago and I wished him and he replied but I left it unopened since I respect his decision and he initiated the break up.

[@Maxxie2095]

@@flower6186 That's a mistake, never wish your ex an happy birthday, you broke no contact with it. They kicked your out of their lives, why would you ever wish them anything ever agian. It only lets them know your still thinking about them while you should be moving on and working on yourself.

[@leaderrr7992]

I followed my ex on Instagram again during no contact has this decreased my chances I've been in contact for nearly two weeks but I stayed in contact for 2 after the breakup

[@me0wkyu]

Can u pls make a video about dreams? I just need to watch something to smack me out of overanalyzing/falsely interpreting my dreams...

[@rigreat4162]

My ex dumped me 6 months ago Suddenly he's talking Talking about my artwork And it's going on for like 2 weeks What's happening?

[@kalzara2533]

He's breadcrumb-ing you

[@freezyjahau2995]

He interested in you again ... But ... Act normal .... And if you want him back move slowly ....

[@anja7787]

Baiting you. Do not respond. He has to take accountability and ownership and make amends repeatedly.

[@rigreat4162]

Based on the replies I guess it's best to just keep the convos as short as possible

[@annaserale9850]

this is unrelated to the video but rory is right. listen to him. my ex contacted me to be friends only to make sure i didnt hate him and not for anything other than to soothe his guilt. i dont want him back ever. he is literal garbage fire and i deserve so much better than an asshole who dumped me over text? im too hot for that shit!! period

[@qwertty1239]

Should no contact be indefinite for all cases? 6.5 months NC but I don’t think she’s the type to take initiative to reach out as she doesn’t want to bother / hurt me after the dumping. Should I make a move?

[@OnFeature]

No, if she's so pridefull to not reach put even if she misses you, then she is not the right person for you

[@johnreyhernandez6540]

If she really cares for you, she will reach out.

[@qwertty1239]

What if she doesn’t want to hurt me and feels guilty?

[@OnFeature]

@@qwertty1239 id say the same.. Then she is not worth it.. If you really liked someone you would fight for them, not dump them and ignoere them for 7 months... She miight have a new guy and you will just look weak if you reach out.

[@kirikagreed9821]

Hi Im not sure if youve talked about this but could you talk about how the dumper gets a new so?? If youve already talked about this then disregard this comment haha. Love your videos, been listening to them recently.

[@chriscline7905]

Is it normal for my ex to still have so much anger toward me 8 months later? I did no contact, improved, put focus on myself, etc.......She is still so mad and refuses to even return my belongings or let me return our house keys. The longer this goes on and started watching Narc Survivor channel so Although Im not a psychologist, may actually be a narcissist?

[@TheLoveChat]

That is definitely not normal - can you get the police involved to get your items?

[@chriscline7905]

@@TheLoveChat I've tried killing her with kindness. Given her $8000 since November, gifts, empathetic, blaming myself. In return I was ghosted, smeared, lied to, future faked, and now won't return my belongings, my mail. One day will say "Don't contact me or it's harassment" then text me two days later asking for $1500? Blames me for everything wrong in her life & tells everyone I left her, used her, etc. Its like it's two different people, into motorcycles, tattoos, hunting, etc.....everything she hated for four years with me, very confusing to me and mentally ruined me

[@kalzara2533]

@@chriscline7905 oh my...i personally think you should stop lending her the money bcs if you do that she knows and feels that she can do wtv she pleases and you'd still be there at the end of the day to help her when she fucks up

[@freezyjahau2995]

Stop it ... Whaterver your doing ... You broke up.... Something end ... Breaks means an end ... So .... Basically .... You can do it ... And move on ... If you got that much money ... You can find a better girl

[@chriscline7905]

@@freezyjahau2995 She treated me good in relationship. I don't even want her back, I helped her because I loved her and didn't want her to struggle but never even received a thank you response. She can't even respond or give me my mail even. Also ghosted my 5 yr old who she loved without a word, our dog. She even put our 15yr old rescue to sleep without telling me or letting me see him. Then proceeded to tell me the dog never loved me anyways, very odd behavior from a mental health professional with a master's in psychology/social work

[@Kat74770]

Bro you really tricked me with the sponsor for a min, not gonna lie

[@TheLoveChat]

Gotcha!

[@reecewatson2]

I think you are an amazing person, you explain things in fantastic ways, and I would like you to know, I have named my bud-gee after you, thanks for listening 😉

[@TheLoveChat]

I'm honored!