#3 Cycle of Insecurely Attached Relationships (Codependency & Love Addiction) Part 3

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@lindaespinoza3026]

This is the stuff that should be taught in junior high.

[@leahsimmonds9086]

I agree. Going teach my daughter and son what a healthy and secure partner is

[@cthornton523]

I have 5th & 7th grade boys. We talk about this.

[@amyhines0953]

Right!?!?

[@kiwiisawesome6554]

I totally agree this information is so valuable. It all is making sense to me..finally I am understanding myself. If i was taught this in school, I would not have suffered so much.

[@rebeccajones8628]

@@lightinthedusk So true. You can teach it like a subject in school, but the root of it is the home dynamics that set this in motion.

[@fringbabyross4718]

I literally can’t believe how real and shockingly true this is. AP male here and was with an FA woman. The sex and validation and intensity was crazy in the beginning. Then suddenly she was like a deer in the headlights and wouldn’t even hold my hand. It was absolutely shocking when she would put a body pillow between us. It was so painful. She was like a drug and the withdrawal was horrific. I realize now I needed the sex to feel connected, safe, and validated. The closer I tried to get the more she pushed me away. I finally walked away but man the grief and loneliness is epic. Thank you so much for these videos Alan !!!

[@jauntydopamine4752]

You are a psychotherapist internet legend. I've shared your video channel with my daughter who just turned 18 and she is sharing it with all of her friends. The hope is that these young people can enter into a healthy relationship and not suffer to the extent others have. I've been talking to other parents who are also introducing their teenagers to attachment theory. We've been asking our kids to take a rather well-known free online personality attachment theory assessment which takes about 20 minutes in order to see if they are securely attached or not, and we are guiding them right into therapy if it says anything other than securely attached. This should be taught in high schools right alongside CBT, and EQ. Thank you for putting yourself out there for all of us.

[@sweet_pea1188]

jaunty dopamine do you have a link for the free personality quiz ?

[@bethseacord5949]

I watched all these videos BEFORE I got in a relationship and still managed to do about 90% of what is described!

[@kelebeksky]

OMG 😧

[@tashilongthorp2295]

I love how you expressed a sense of humour or lightness at the end of the video. It adds perspective of a different kind, and especially the idea of "spiralling into hell together." Thank you so much for your help, Alan.

[@jessicachicke6560]

So far, you have my relationships on point. As I go through each one and since I’ve been starting my self-growth journey, I’ve learned more about myself. Also, what I will and won’t allow and what to look for in potential partners in the future. Thank you for being so wonderful ♥️

[@suzannem8265]

Alan, how do you do it? I’ve always known that I achieved my greatest intimacy during sex and I knew it was not the real intimacy I longed for, but the revelation about how spectacular the sex was and how it relates to my attachment well pretty frickin profound! Thank you!

[@ibelieveintrees]

But wait, it gets worse! Haha.. I think many people are spiraling on their own. Constructive and purposeful spiraling can't be that much worse and it leads you to a (hopefully) more honest place and understanding of ourselves and others. Thanks for the words!

[@BeccsGrace]

I really appreciate these videos for free on youtube. They really help to fill the gap with learning and understanding between paid therapy sessions. It helps to continuously work through it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You might be interested in my free Healthy Relating Checklist. You can get it here alanrobarge.com/checklist and I also have a donation page if you feel like supporting the ongoing development and production of these videos! www.alanrobarge.com/donate

[@amyhines0953]

So freeing to address mybown denial so it doesn't have to be all about the other person, but gives me tools to work on ME & forgive them for something WE co-created. Thank you for helping us get clarity!!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this is helpful!

[@SelfLoveU]

I like the term true intimacy, authenticity because there is a definite difference between fake intimacy and real intimacy. I would like to dig into that topic.

[@karingoers3785]

You are amazing!! And I really enjoy the sense of levity you bring to this.

[@NikkoYM]

Agree! imagine all the buckets of collective tears shed from everyone just in this thread (and, including Alan, I think as well). Some levity is called for ...! :-D

[@shutitdown656]

I think I'll just give up on relationships from now on.

[@NonyaSmith]

Precisely what I was just thinking.

[@mamasworldview]

Yep. Thinking the same.

[@aussiehillbilly]

Agree.. Its a nightmare

[@angelicat270]

Ditto times four

[@UranijaZeus]

I agree. Too complicated for us.

[@BXLrules]

Thank you for accompanying me in the downwards spiral.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you.

[@Talinn28]

Beautiful content. This is something I have stopped doing and man does it change the game for me. I now treat sex as a last part of weather or not I want to pursue a relationship. It felt good to hear it and understand while understanding what I have been rewiring and that I am on the right frickin path. Much ❤ to everyone out there

[@taraleightaracumming6726]

❤ I want to be a better partner, I grew up with abuse, arguments and violence. All my adult relationships have suffered. I want to change my behavior. Thank you 🙏 you are helping me.

[@ladyofthewoods2448]

Hahaha light hearted humorous ending, Alan! Enjoyed that! Loll Laughter heals they say. Sometimes it is good to push back that Eeyore in us. 😁

[@rebeccajones8628]

Your videos are so valuable. My relation ships 'have sucked'. You are so right !!

[@mjw1111]

laughing... the advert that came up before this video was for the match app.

[@audreyannaobrion178]

Such a great series! This is how I've operated. I see that now. I am definitely and humbly working on this. Self awareness and humility is key.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this resonates. Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work. For more content like this you may be interested in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@dansamazingchannel5135]

This guy is the best.

[@peachesandscream99]

I said "Oh my God" out loud multiple times during this video...wow. Describes my last relationship to a T. So helpful, thank you.

[@janethomas78]

In the worst cases people are dysfunctional and dangerous. The most functional can focus on what they are doing and be interested in doing a good job while being thoughtful in communication. They are good listeners and are a good example to others. They can engage others without over criticizing and damaging them through name calling and so on.

[@Yzandros666]

you totally missed the point : you are also responsible for this situation, and you are not the "functional one" who will change the other.

[@NonChannel0]

I do not understand your word salad

[@janethomas78]

@@NonChannel0 your name is word salad, I think you are confused.

[@rilloig9614]

Thank you Alan for your knowledge and insight. You are a blessing to the world.

[@Melissa-kw1sl]

rillo ig

[@tequilabumbum4373]

I noticed that I give so much importance to sex to feel the intimacy that isnt really there.. You are spot on Alan, Im amazed!

[@stepzu6101]

You see right through me. I'm learning so much. TY.

[@zionrose007]

You have literally been a life saver for me. #Breakingcycles

[@dalboueyful]

Sheer perfection!! Forensically accurate!! I love you Alan!!

[@broGabiza]

Fast sex is a very important point. Thanks so much for your series👍👍

[@nanettecostanza537]

Genius information and insight.

[@YWFilmProductions]

Alan is truly changing the future. Whoa....... Light at the end of the very muddy, rugged, and what feels like an unbearable tunnel is available to us all. I actually believe healing is possible. What the fuck :)

[@fringbabyross4718]

This is exactly what happened with the sex. I thought I found my life partner. It was all amazing in the beginning then suddenly she would sleep with a body pillow between us. I figured out it was fearful avoidance and I was absolutely triggered and crushed at this point. Hard being an AP attached male. I definitely co-created all this. When I felt her pulling away I pursued the sex because it comforted my anxiety and then I felt calmed. This is all so real. Spot on Alan

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video spoke to you.

[@kelebeksky]

Alan you are the very best!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate you valuing my effort. Since you like the content you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@yo_mama_lifts5905]

"we are spiraling into hell"...... lololol

[@Bird_Lady_Jen]

😂

[@Trailblazers323]

My fav part

[@NikkoYM]

good thing it's "we" and not just 1 of us! maybe all of us in hell can build some kind of ladder and crawl the hell out!

[@felisasolares7311]

Thank you so much Alan

[@00008327]

Mindblown...you just described my last relationship!

[@sundaylass6828]

This informative, hard to hear and yet hilariously spot on. Job well done good Sir 👏

[@jartotable]

Been enjoying these series. I'm from the UK 🇬🇧 and a few sayings come to mind that our mum's used to say: You see what you want to see. Don't lose yourself just because you found a somebody. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Insecure women give sex to get love.

[@nyssa1049]

Thank you so much for all your videos. They're so helpful! I have a question to help me clarify this video. I'm currently in a huge downward, dysfunctional spiral with a very close friend of 8 years. Since it's a friendship, sex isn't part of it. However, I noticed a similar pattern as you were talking, with regard to other things the two of us used to share. My friend and I had a lot of routine behaviors that I used to use to gauge the temperature of the friendship when I was concerned that he was pulling away (I'm anxiously attached, which I understand now thanks to a good counselor). So can friendships have a similar pattern of rationalizing, even though sex isn't involved? Thanks again for your videos! They've really been helping me through my crisis.

[@Trailblazers323]

nyssa1049 Yes

[@booksboardsbich]

Hell yay!!!☄️🌪🎉Thank you Alan as always very helpful

[@gillian260]

My god, this is definitely my life

[@emiliobertrandbungegonzale9961]

Hi, i feel sometimes i rush on the healing work as a way of managing the uncertainity of not knowing where the relationship repair is going.

[@juliascorey999]

Love love this

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad my work brings value.

[@juliascorey999]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma immensely

[@ceebd8554]

This Is Me Now. (Even tho i heard this a year ago!) Hope to spiral out of hell, soon. Ty, Alan, for helping my rational brain accept; Waiting for my reptilian brain to catch up, & give him up.

[@psycherevival2762]

Hey Alan! These are not on a playlist on your channel. Would love to see that!

[@Hiraya198]

Thank you Alan!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome! We talk more on this topic in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check up out: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@ketherwhale6126]

Oxytocin is pretty powerful too. So yes, people want to rush the bond.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Good awareness. It can be helpful knowing what is driving us. There are different patterns that sometimes take over us. If you like this video then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@A.JayWeber]

Alan where you AT! HOLY FUCK ...Preach!

[@magicm6653]

Its like this man is in my head lol, I can relate to EVERYTHING omg

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Magic M Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@mike569112]

Thanks for this.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You are welcome Mike

[@azureknight777]

OK. I can see that I have in fact subconsciously tried to drive the sex aspect to cover up a lack of emotional intimacy. I see what you're saying. However, I think you are also (probably inadvertently) propping up a somewhat puritanical or at least idealized view of sex as if to say that only "truly" emotionally intimate sex between long term committed partners is valid. Clearly it's unhealthy if sex is being used as a cover in this way, but sometimes sex can just be "Hey, I like you. I find you attractive. Let's have a nice time together." And of course that has risks an can go badly, as can anything. Also, I don't think it means that once you realize that sex has been problematic in this way that it absolutely must be stopped until the intimacy is perfected. It might be necessary or better for some situations, but it doesn't absolutely mean that every way of sexually relating has instantly become unhealthy.

[@Trailblazers323]

Lekim Nines You missed every key point in the video

[@laurencuthbert414]

No, I agree with you. I don't like how sex is framed in this video...

[@roxy7255]

Since watching all your videos, 2 years of therapy and leaving my dysfunctional relationship a year ago I get really triggered by family members in equally dysfunctional relationships but in complete denial looping round and round. I don’t know why this makes me feel so angry?

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for engaging with this content. I see this sparked reflection for you. I hear you about it being angering seeing the patterns repeat with your family members. I wonder if reflecting like this is helpful for you. Also, since you resonate with this content, I thought I'd share that these are the type of connections we talk about in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. And some members have been there for over four years. You may like joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@potato32salad]

Do u have a podcast?

[@HisaLight2mypath]

I was I a dysfunctional relationship with an emotionally unavailable person. We was together for a few two years. I became addicted to the sex. and when he withdrew sex I got very aggressive and took it as a rejection and started acting crazy Is the documents available please?

[@manmosa1129]

Can a true relationship be realized if intensity backs down?

[@smcgrane13]

Is it possible to fix this sort of relationship if both people realize and want to fix it

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

smcgrane, We explore the "how" in the online membership community I created. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@dawnacoxon3111]

I love you. Sorry to jump in like that lol but you’re pretty hard not to love 🤣❤️

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind comment. If you love the videos then you might also love the Improve Your Relationships Community where we engage with this content together. Come check it out if you haven't already: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, if you'd like to support the continuation of video creation then consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a donation. You can donate here: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.

[@KeeMcGhee]

Thank you

[@gailinglis3194]

The truth hurts.... that was me... 28 years ago, when I married my husband in 1993... oooops.... he’s just left me for a 29 year old😥.... how do I not do it again?

[@dawnacoxon3111]

Don’t rush!!!! Being alone has its perks!!!! And when you meet someone don’t try to fill that void. Fill it ahead of time by fulfilling your own needs. ❤️❤️❤️ hope you’ve been healing!

[@annamaria9899]

I recognized this pattern in previous relationship and the last iné I tried to slow everything down, interesting was that in the beginning I was extremely attracted bodíly to my ex boyfriend and when I started to slow it down and know each other, first of all it was very difficult and it took great amount of will to keep it slow and second after some tíme I have noticed that this obsesive urge to have sex subsided as we knew each other more, it kind of turned to normal need for sex but anyone I broke up with him so in the end we did not even had sex 😃, if I woul listen to the urgency of my body in the beginning I dont know where would I be, probably again in that viscous cycle

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I can tell this video sparked reflection. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[@beatrixbrennan1545]

Also another great reason to not have sex until you're married. You only pollute true intimacy when you rush sex

[@Sv-Coach409]

👍❤

[@emiliobertrandbungegonzale9961]

Hi, i feel sometimes i rush on the healing work as a way of managing the uncertainity of not knowing where the relationship repair is going.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for watching my video and engaging in my content. I hear that you rush the healing work in order to cope with uncertainty. This isn't uncommon - as humans, especially humans who have experience attachment injuries, it can be difficult for us to sit with uncertainty and put our focus on repairing in the presence. Many of us have experienced such similar feelings; you're not alone in this. I want to invite you to join my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. I believe it would benefit you to focus on healing with the encouragement of others who understand your feelings and experiences. Uncertainty doesn't have to be anxiety-inducing, and healing doesn't need to be rushed. It is a slow process, a slow journey, but one that is worth every step. Consider joining in the conversation and giving your healing the time and effort it truly deserves. www.alanrobarge.com/community