The False Self and Feeling Fake, Phony, or like an Impostor (Codependent, Dysfunctional Family)

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@janethomas78]

"the degree to which we can be close and still push each other away, while being completely FAKE"...Being abandoned for years, after total betrayal and emotional abuse, "NOW" everything is supposed to be "JUST FINE!" and if you don't play their game, you are again shut out, disinvited and abandoned all over again?"... this does sum up a dysfunctional fake relationship with another. Stunning Validation never heard before! THANK YOU-

[@CK77460]

I agree with you! He articulated what I've been feeling for years but didn't have words for and honestly made to feel crazy by my family for feeling it too. Its like they actually believe we are close and guilt you if you feel differently. I don't like attending family functions because there is so much fakeness.

[@peacejoy8454]

Well stated....all of this !!

[@KK-gi3wt]

This was gold for me understanding why I feel so disconnected.

[@joincoffee9383]

@@CK77460 my in-laws family is like that. I saw it after a few visits. It’s so uncomfortable I can’t bear it.

[@joincoffee9383]

Cut them off. They sound toxic

[@RippleDrop.]

"Hey everyone, we are all FAKE!“ I would have loved to hear that in my family! 😂

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Right? Glad you liked this video. Since many of us didn't have these honest conversations with family, chances are we developed some attachment injuries. I recently created a course on attachment distress. I may have shared a link with you before. If you hadn't had a chance to check it out take The Attachment Distress Quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@earth2lana]

The wild part my family is aware that they’re dysfunctional but they go along in life because they have accepted it yet haven’t taken it upon themselves to change it

[@wingsly]

I am only 20 minutes into this important analysis of parent child and attachment issues and I am so impressed with the questions you ask about attention seeking and bonding that I had to say, WOW! Your probing and understanding of thus dynamic is helping me to heal from decades of being invisible to my family and the results that produces. Thank you Alan for sharing your wisdom. It is truly needed.

[@TurnYourMagicAllTheWayUp]

This was simply amazing. Thank you so much. I am 43 and sad it took me so long to see so much. Truly, thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Lindsay, thank you for the supportive words. This is a hard one to see. Many of us can relate. Good for you for participating in your healing and being open to awareness. I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

[@WisdomWithin999]

You have a serious ability to speak truth and make sense of this mess that so many of us experience in our lives. Thank you. I really feel like every video you make is a gift to me. Thank you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

This experience can feel really feel confusing. I hear you. Thank you for letting me know this content if impactful for you. Good for you reaching out for resources to find clarity. You're welcome.

[@easygii]

"You come from this legacy, this long lineage of people who are having children and creating families and everybody is training each other to ignore each other and to develop a false presentation, where we feel insecure to develop our real wants and needs, because they have not been welcomed.. so you get this group of people together who are essentially hiding themselves, dont have the skills to engage the other family members, but we gonna go through the motions like we are collectively connected, warm and care about each other. But what's missing is the emotional connection and there is mindlessness, emptiness that's gonna feel nauseous." I FELT THIS ALL MY LIFE and couldnt describe it, this is so validating. You are SO right. I've been on this journey with connecting to myself and my emotions and my inner worlds and only now I feel Im seeing people for who they really are and it's quite scary, but liberating experience.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Eva, I so hear you. Empathy to you that this was in your history. Many of can relate with having to navigate these difficult dynamics. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. You have good awareness, which is essential for healing to take place. We explore challenging old core beliefs and reality-testing in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. It's helpful to know there is support for learning how to heal and grow. The community is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. You're invited to continue your healing journey with us. We have a self-directed healing approach. Come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also you may be interested in a course I recently created that can help explain how these dynamics got set up. Relationships make more sense when we understand attachment distress. We have different ways we learn to cope with relationship stress - and this is regarding all the different relationships: family, partners, friends, etc. We can better understand ourselves and others by learning about the different attachment distress responses. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@mattlehnardt8035]

No more crumbs! Thanks Alan for your work and sharing it here, your video on gaslighting was my first introduction to what’s wrong in my life, you have an incredible talent for shining light into these wierd corners of human psyche and interaction where we really get stuck, you can paint the pictures so articulately that it unlocks shackles we can’t take off ourselves till we hear it spoken, you speak us out of those dark lost corners. Thank you!!! For my life back.

[@mcaldwell27]

I feel emotionally disconnected from reality. Something is off and I don't know how to change it. It feels like all of the color has been stripped from my life. I'm not unhappy but I'm also not happy.

[@marissalynn7810]

Same

[@leerobinson1952]

Same here brother your not alone

[@sd-11-11-sd]

EFT (tapping) helped reintegrate repressed emotions and experiences for me. Its easy and free to learn so worth considering.

[@donpeace894]

I understand completely. Just going thru the motions. Not feeling it. It's like you are watching your life from outside yourself. You came come out of this and be in the present. It's possible. I've done it somehow. Living outside of yourself is no way to live. Don't give up on yourself ever. Keep moving forward

[@ineffige]

@@sd-11-11-sd I know EFT but how do you adress something you are not aware of using this technique? I used it to calm myself down etc

[@acertree1980]

I totally get it and have done so much work on myself that it pains me to try and relate with my family and certain associates that simply don't have the capacity to be seen. I used to question myself because I kept imagining that I was being overly needy. No I see that I'm just a little more evolved. I'm patiently waiting to find my 'new tribe' but it can be very lonely at times. Thanks for your validation Alan. I am beginning to see that I'm not crazy 💛💙💛

[@peacejoy8454]

Acer Tree I ❤️ this!

[@goldielox1118]

Acer tree, me too!!! Thank you for your comment. It can be tough to be in the limbo zone when you’ve done the hard self work and you now know how necessary it is to be very selective of your “tribe”

[@NikkiShueMusic]

Omg I said the same thing at Christmas last year about how our family was fake relating...they all got upset and denied except for my brother in law..

[@nelikoeva4300]

There was no interaction, father was an alcoholic, only focused on emotionally abusing my mom, mom trying to survive emotionally the situation, grandma always attacking mom behind her back and creating fights between my parents and brother who basically ignored me to the extent that a friend of mine asked if he knew whether we are brother and sister. Then creating friendships only with people who were mean or cruel in one way another, first actual relationships I had in high school, then only toxic romantic relationships. Now I have some very sincere friendships, which I hold close and have a better relationship with my mom at age 27, cut tights with some people. I feel emotionally detached and isolated though. Like I can't connect with myself and I somehow forgot how to be included in the world and how to maintain relationships without fear. I am working with a psychologist who wants me to ask myself who I am. It's like I knew who I was but then buried it all, like all this freundliness, calmness, inspiration got hidden.

[@sd-11-11-sd]

That's a lot to process, I wish you well on your journey!!

[@onnen-tipu]

Pure utter gold, this video is an absolute mind-blower! Thank you!

[@Pimp-Master]

Really excellent video; I have an attachment to myself and my ego really strongly, but rarely to anybody out in "the real world." I had a family that pretended things were fine with really strong emotions not welcome. I had an over achiever phase and a super under-acheiver phase--I never felt relaxed, happy and grounded for most of my life.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm glad this one resonated. Many people can relate with these attachment injuries and never finding the ability to relax into themselves in relationship. Empathy to you. This is something we talk about in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. Also, we all have general way we cope with strong emotions or attachment distress. I realized I needed to create a course on this. You can learn more by taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz You might also be interested in checking out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@leerobinson1952]

Exactly the same here brother

[@evainbklyn]

Your insights are incredible Alan! You just described my family dynamic. Yes, it's all fake, like you say and nobody in my family recognizes it but me which includes the emotional and psychological abuse we've all been subjected to by one of our parents. I used to be confused and pained as to why I felt no closeness with my family members even though we spent so much time under the same roof and there was this requirement placed by my caregivers to be unquestioningly loyal to the family. After not being recognized emotionally by anyone in my family, I was left with no option but to cut all ties. It was too painful to continue this false relationship that I'm afraid was either never there or was damaged beyond repair.

[@pixie3458]

Excellent video. By giving examples you help us to work things out for ourselves. Without real examples, we can’t say whether we were close or not. We just felt we weren’t what our parents wanted, and caught in a bind …taught to be obedient but simultaneously expected to be popular, successful and able to stand up for ourselves.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video resonates. Thanks for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and explain them so they are accessible. If you like this video then you may also like taking part in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@clareunderwood6690]

This is so timely for me. There is so much material here to take in. I am very grateful for you doing what you are doing. Thank you.

[@phoenixd9679]

Thank you so much ! Really words or money can not pay you for this amazing explanation at list to me at this perfect timing in my life 🙏🏽💜

[@treecek]

This is the best explanation of the exact dysfunction of our family....This is so true of my family.I grew up in..something I am just realizing is the cause of my complete lack of "sense of self"...I have always felt "invisible"..and completely unable to even express what I feel. ..or know what I feel. I feel like our home was a literal insane asylum. There was no fighting or abuse, just no authentic connections at all... And on top of that, my mother did not bond with her babies. She was emotionally dead. It all has made a life of loneliness and confusion. ...and not even wanting to live....what's the point? I don't remember ever feeling acknowledged.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great insight. Your comment brings up empathy. I hope you noticing this is helpful for you.

[@treecek]

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you that does help.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

you're welcome

[@soblessed4844]

You are truly blessed with knowledge, empathy, and the skill of communicating clearly and effectively! You are saving lives and freeing the bondage of trauma. Thank you for sharing your gift and wisdom.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit. If the videos are helpful then you may also like taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@ecuadoreanbetty]

The crazy thing is that I UNDERSTAND everything you are saying! I can’t thank you enough Mr. Alan. You are a God sent to me at this point in my life.

[@ioanapreda]

Thank you Alan, and to all other people who've commented here, for this precious validation. 🙏 It was truly a crazy making environment.

[@stelladonnelly2832]

I remember my mother saying to me, ( I was an only child ) nice children are seen and not heard, don't answer back, don't contradict your mother etc etc. I know she meant well but I ever unfortunately, had a good relationship with her. She's passed now, but I can see her with compassion now. She would never have heard of any of this stuff.

[@susangrace5006]

You have a gift of genius in what you teach. God bless you

[@00008327]

Thank you for posting this video. It has been incredibly helpful in my understanding of family dynamics. You really hit the ball out of the park on this!

[@youdontknowme55517]

I really feel like I hit the gold mine to find you I have had a long journey at this point to even to be able to really appreciate and totally understand your teaching so depthful and well presenting not leaving any holes in your explanations.. I'm at awe really! Thank you so much for your help Alan :) I think it's really the most noblest thing a being can do on earth is help stopping emotional abuse and help understand we can heal ourselves and have a deeper meaningful genuine connection with each other even when we didn't had one in this life.

[@jessicay8928]

You arr brilliant and this is what sums up my entire life thus far at age 26. My dad, the perfectionist and people pleaser, sculpted me to be a perfectionist and made fun of and humiliated my true genuine self everytime it came out.

[@godheals8787]

Amazing video. Thank you so much. You articulate this so well❤

[@mariazichettella-caffrey7146]

Second time listening to this in the last 2 years. Thank you! It's so helpful and reaffirming.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad you are finding benefit. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer helpful content.

[@Mansions.]

So good. Excellent content. Appreciated alot. So good. We were told growing up. Children are to be seen and not heard.

[@sonibraun4971]

Alan, I want to thank you for this video. You have a such good deep understanding of this subject. I felt touched and significantly better after listening to your video.

[@adimeter]

You are nailing me, my parents & my upbringing. I am 73. Seems like a lot of years waisted. Thank you for your coaching.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad to hear you deeply resonated with this video. Many can relate with this pattern. Good for you allowing awareness. Thanks for your comment. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.

[@mikedebell2242]

That old thing of trying to fix the problems yourself... as a kid. Goes on and on and on...

[@LeafsIn2025]

Another excellent, thought-provoking, and relative video, Alan. Thank you.

[@mattlehnardt8035]

What do you think about the idea we cling to two things: 1, we want to go back to the places where we emotionally went off the rails and get it fixed, so life makes sense again/ self makes sense again; and 2, we try to recreate the energy of how we felt loved, and if it was unhealthy, we subconsciously trust ourselves or need our “boxes checked off” for how we can accept or believe we’re loved or loveabke- I.e. certain dynamics need to “happen ” for us to open our inner doors to believe or feel we can be loved, I.e. be abused, rejected, mistreated, like our closest caregivers did, cause even though it sucked it still felt like love, and we grew our “emotional fish tank” to FIT what we were getting by way of engagement, like fish grow to fit their tank, rather than get used to a healthy sized tank that should have been roomy and healthy enough for us to recognize one and accept and love us for us. We “Groundhog Day” our worst moments trying to relive it with others playing roles where things went wrong for us.

[@tracymartin5039]

Just listened to this... oh my gosh! this is all so true. My family never ever cared enough to know me. I was the good kid who did everything to help everyone else. I feel so lost and fake. This explains it all so well.

[@tanya2700]

This was/is me too 😢

[@Tuttifruit]

You are a gift Alan. Thank you for your work. 😊

[@bleuneptune]

your videos have been very eye opening to me. It has helped me to see the reality of myself instead of blaming on other people. I am very grateful. I hope to join the program someday I just cannot afford it now due to life circumstances... I want to live as myself for real. I am sick and tired of living in survival mode.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear the videos have been eye opening and helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, to follow-up on your interest of the community I thought I mention that the next 8-Week Cycle of the program starts Monday 5/3. You're welcome to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@tanickasinclair7035]

This is Jennifer Sinclair. I was in a fake family relationship my whole childhood. And I was seen as "bad" for so long when I was raised (because I constantly confronted and questioned my father when he was drunk) I grew up not caring if my mother and father didn't like my personality (although once I grew up, they respected it, weirdly enough). But, I discovered - as I got older, that my mother was and is fake to the Nth degree. She doesn't know how to be anything else. She, most likely grew up, never being seen. Ignored most of the time. So, she grew up "fake" - even faker than me. She makes things up instead of handling problems directly. Because of this, she and I don't even communicate anymore.

[@puma5471]

Alan, you’re really an amazing analyst! Thank you!

[@espressohype]

As a child of a fundamental religious family who has broken free from their cult religion, I felt like a completely misunderstood child. My childhood is only memories of religious brainwashing rather than my parents trying to understand me or accept me as a person. To date, now an adult, I have felt completely emotionally disconnected from my parents.

[@irene_in_progress]

Thank you for making this information accessible 😭✨

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad you find value in this information. Thanks for feedback. Please also share this video with friends who may like it.

[@rondae7121]

Wow!!! You hit that perfectly!!!

[@krish.5823]

Both characteristics have been part of my life. Now I just don't care what they think. Kinda.

[@ilenek.5428]

Yes, I'm Im one of the ones who was "cracked open". With no one to connect with. Makes so much sense.

[@KK-gi3wt]

Because of your video s I have been able to understand my self and situation with in my disfuncal family that I never understood how it effected my feelings of not being seen unless I am doing what others want and discarded when I speak about my feelings or needs. I like who I am and could not understand why I am not allowed to have à voice or feeling for my self.

[@kathygreenlee5108]

Wow, Alan, this says it all in our blended family. Please keep going. This is soooo important, so valuable. We are so worried about the he said she said, when it is everyone just living in a survival state. This is the deep stuff below the tip of the iceberg. This speaks to me so deeply. I can't tell you how thankful I am hearing this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[@amazinggrace4924]

Wish I could get a printout of these video's.

[@iamtheman7018]

I see this comment is a year old but maybe someone else is thinking the same thing. You can. Sort of. Turn on Closed captioning, Then select the little dots below the subscribe button and select "Transcript". From there you can copy and paste to a document of your choice.

[@Irishjay-gu5pb]

@@iamtheman7018 Wow!! Thank you so much for answering this question!!! I was actually just thinking that it would be wonderful to have a print out of this. Awesome! Thanks for sharing your knowledge!! Much appreciated! :)

[@TheMellsBells]

Iam Theman hmm I can’t find the transcript dots 😩

[@kenitcimm3467]

Yeah.....print out would be awesome! So confronting.

[@lewisforsyth1336]

Thank you so so so much. This resonates so hard. Been down a dark path of seeing Cluster B in all of us. But this makes so much sense

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome. Glad to hear this video resonates. Thank you for valuing my effort. It's good to keep talking about this. Identity feelings is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining in on our conversations. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@maryray6647]

pls more examples of key critical moments...and also more examples of how the inner child actually gets healed ..what does that look like in the long run ?? Ty

[@keira-leewellard1832]

I LOVE YOU ALAN ROBARGE!!

[@lacpt01]

Very enlightening yet there seems no solution when you are surrounded by disengaged family members. Wondering how to make it all better! There must be a way!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I hear you. So many of us can relate with having similar family dynamics. It can be challenging. Thanks for commenting. If you like this content and want to learn more about what drives these dynamics then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@robbyh1485]

thank you for these videos, they really do help, and inform us greatly!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Glad my work brings you benefit. Thanks for valuing my effort. If this content is helpful then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@merlisist]

OMG Alan Robarge!!! You are amazing!!!! Thank you friend. P.xx

[@crod8809]

This is life changing content! 😩

[@emine9313]

This is excellent informative learning and information. Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the feedback. Glad to hear this was informative. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.

[@merlisist]

I love your immense understanding, your amazing. Wisdom. P.x

[@emc4685]

Hey Alan, you mentioned Something about not being able to manufacture what you don't have. I might disagree with you on that. We live in world where people channel their creative powers into miracles and make something out of nothing. I feel this may be achieved through being mindful. I applaud your raising awareness of dysfunctional or pseudo relating, but I'm curious as to your personal belief about our potential as imperfect human beings to have near perfect reciprocal relationships where the ego is not at complete stake, where either person does not feel resentful or slighted and is entirely open and accepting and choosing. What we expect healthy relating to look like is somewhat idealized, to me, in a world where one tends to see so much dysfunction. Tis the ups and downs of norms of life on Earth, with people, I suppose. It can be very difficult for 2 healthy to even navigate their relationship with themselves, eachother or the rest of the world. Is this why you share your awareness and research about attachment, compassion and healthy relating? I applaud your belief and investment, in making the world a better place, by igniting self- awareness for each person at a time, who has benefited from your shared knowledge.

[@emotlotus8017]

damn why is it so hard to change

[@undefineddesign9792]

This was refreshing to listen to.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I'm happy you think so. Please help spread the word by sharing it with a friend/family member or through social media.

[@fadedones]

ive had depersonalization and dearelaization since the age of 7. ive looked high and low for a cure

[@NamasteDivineFem4]

I feel your pain. I've been stuck in that state since I was 12.

[@sahirasanchez5847]

Tee Cee I have DPDR it’s a nightmare I can’t wake from :(

[@rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid4488]

Magic mushrooms helped me. One trip.

[@realitywinner7582]

them Adoration chapels sure help .

[@irenageorgieva8011]

I did say to my family all the time that the family system was broken and that everybody was fake and that I felt dissonance and dissatisfaction in my relationships with them all my life and throughout all my childhood. As nothing changed I took to avoiding them and making my own friends with whom I did have limbic resonance and true emotional connection. I gather that’s what you’re advising? Why then I now have issues with intimate relationships re emotional connection, my partners don’t respond to emotional cues and are unavailable I have to yet again break ties with intimate partners and avoid them like I did with my family members and why do I suffer impostor syndrome as a parent even though I have limbic resonance and emotional connection with my child?! It’s true what you’re saying that because all my relatives are fake I lacked discernment later on

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great insights. I'm glad you connected with this video. Many can relate with feeling most challenged in intimate relationships. Intimacy and closeness are main areas that create anxiety. We have different self-protective behaviors that help us cope but also cause us to be emotionally unavailable. If you haven't already heard about it you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. To learn more take the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz The course is one response to how we might change these dynamics.

[@kenitcimm3467]

I need to listen to this often I think!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching, I'm glad this video was beneficial! Please feel free to share on other social media pages. And you're invited to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses quiz I created which is another great learning tool. Here's the link: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@user-yv1fh3fc8y]

Your best video Alan 😌

[@ioanapreda]

"We assume that we're close"... :( so true.

[@eldonscott9]

Wow. Thank you.

[@ewa11411]

Alan we love you.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind comment. Also, check out the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@MsRu08]

22:40 oh, thx. So fake vs authentic self are conceptual, not literal.

[@pixie3458]

Fantastic insights

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks! Glad you like this one. If you like this content then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in conversations. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@GoBrilliantly]

Thanks!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind donation.

[@MA-un1mj]

I have a very disappointing relationship with my only child. Does this apply to my situation too?

[@MaryLove-d5w]

Okay, when I’m with my guy I seem fine but alone I feel like a fake. What the hell is going on? I can be happy/enjoy being with him but then alone I feel like a fake. It’s not hard being with him, but yet I’m happy for him to go and be alone. In fact I prefer to be alone but then am I faking it being with him. I’m so confused. I literally don’t understand it? This has only happened after an abusive relationship. Need help to figure this out. Is it deep rooted in my childhood or my abusive relationship. I’ve no idea?

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Many of us can relate with this confusion. I remember when we mentioned this at the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you're not familiar with the Community take the relationship quiz www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@ems9392]

Generational fear of challenge and vulnerability lack of grieving stress to allow for growth and getting needs met so no one actually overly knows how to express love and support destroying mental and physical health.

[@mariag5201]

Good video, sometimes it's difficult for me to follow the pace of what you are saying because it's too much information...hehe thanks

[@kathygreenlee5108]

When you talk the the manipulative false self one creates to meet ones needs, can this be the root of a narcissistic personality disorder? I get that this happens subconsciously or perhaps unintentionally as a means for survival learned in dysfunctional families. However, do you believe that the person uses the false self because it is what works for them no matter the cost? i have a thousand thoughts going through my mind on this video. It is awsome. I am specifically talking about children who grow up and learn to manipulate parents through lying or guilt or feigning ill. After a certain age would someone not realize what they are doing is negatively affecting people? Or is this a personality disorder speaking?

[@xenatron9056]

Hello Kathy, it is interesting that you mention feigning ill....my relationship with my daughter is dysfunctional. Whenever I contact her she is 'sick'. I have come to be afraid to contact her because I am torn between she is lying to me to not speak to me, or that she is really sick and that somehow it is my fault....for giving her that body!!!!!!! I feel very distressed when it happens, I have so much guilt......I am pretty messed up but working through it.

[@krish.5823]

I just don't care anymore. Don't let me visit. I have done nothing wrong. I am so transparent because I can't be false. Do they can just shove it.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

resonate

[@kathygreenlee5108]

P.S. This speaks so much of both me and my husbands family of origin!!!

[@adimeter]

I think my husband are operating with a 1950’s system. Pitiful.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Good insight. I hear you.

[@nononouh]

23 47

[@worldofcats9611]

@ 13:17 min. Exactly what I tell ppl. We grew up as strangers in our family. We just never related. Every man for themselves. And it hurt! 🥲

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Empathy to you. Many of us can relate.

[@emc4685]

Hey Alan, you mentioned Something about not being able to manufacture what you don't have. I might disagree with you on that. We live in world where people channel their creative powers into miracles and make something out of nothing. I feel this may be achieved through being mindful. I applaud your raising awareness of dysfunctional or pseudo relating, but I'm curious as to your personal belief about our potential as imperfect human beings to have near perfect reciprocal relationships where the ego is not at complete stake, where either person does not feel resentful or slighted and is entirely open and accepting and choosing. What we expect healthy relating to look like is somewhat idealized, to me, in a world where one tends to see so much dysfunction. Tis the ups and downs of norms of life on Earth, with people, I suppose. It can be very difficult for 2 healthy to even navigate their relationship with themselves, eachother or the rest of the world. Is this why you share your awareness and research about attachment, compassion and healthy relating? I applaud your belief and investment, in making the world a better place, by igniting self- awareness for each person at a time, who has benefited from your shared knowledge.