3 Secrets To Family Detachment (Secret One)

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2) FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment
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3 Secrets to Emotional Detachment :
Resolving unhealthy attachments in the past helps us become more detached from unhealthy relationships today. They are connected. The next two videos in this series Jerry Wise will present secret 2 and secret 3.
00:00 - Intro
03:53 - Loosen Old Unresolved Attachments
08:14 - 3 F's (Fears, Fantasies and Fights)
19:32 - Other’s Hurt, Anger, Reactivity is Baked into the Family System Emotional System
21:14 - Assuming by Others is Not Respect, it is Enmeshment
23:47 - Remember Chronic Anxiety is Always Lying-in Wait for a Trigger
List of recommended books to read: www.jerrywiserelationshipsyst...
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC as of this date has over 300+ videos on You Tube. He has 45 years of experience helping people become more self-differentiated, unstuck, and overcome the effects of their family of origin imprinting and emotional functioning. He uses a Bowen Family Systems approach to help coach those who are in recovery, healing from Codependency and other dysfunctional family-of-origin issues.
#detachment #emotionaldetachment #narcissism #secret #secrets
#invisible #feelinginvisible #narcissism #jerrywise #stages #stagesofresistance #resistance #courage #consistency #patience #self #boundaries #boundary
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#familyselfvsrealself #anxiety #reactivity #selfabandonment #selfdenial #selfpowerlessness #selfborrowing #selfhelp #self #beliefs #feelings #actions #emotionalprocess #maturity #dysfunctional #dysfunctionalfamily
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Special Thanks to ‪@DoctorRamani‬ , ‪@lisaaromano1‬ , ‪@SurvivingNarcissism‬ , ‪@patrickteahanofficial‬ , ‪@RICHARDGRANNON‬ , ‪@CrappyChildhoodFairy‬ thank you all your work!
If you would like to learn how to recover through learning to become more calm, learning detachment and self-differentiation ...contact Jerry Wise and his team.
To work with Jerry Wise or his staff contact him at
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
He and his team work with individuals, couples, and families and business and organizational leader to become strong self-differentiating people and leaders.
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Also all of his videos are on Spotify and Anchor.fm for online and offline listening. You can take them with you in your car or at work.
"Not How but When" by Jerry Wise
open.spotify.com/show/3DKjGLp...

[@jerrywise]

👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼 ➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ 🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@parklady4233]

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[@parklady4233]

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[@parklady4233]

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[@parklady4233]

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[@parklady4233]

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[@sagebay2803]

Oh man. I am 59 yrs old and this video just blew open my mind. This is exactly my family patterns. Everyone has to be together so much. You can't refuse to attend events, you are kept in a FOG of guilt and shame. Ugh. I had to go no-contact years ago...and I AM viewed as the bad guy. Wow. It never ends. Thanks for helping me.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for sharing and I'm glad it helped you ❤️

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I feel similar. Big family. Every is on a group text. Someone put me in it. I keep asking who put me in the group, and, please take me out. Nobody can respect or even tell me about it. So, I ended up blocking the ones who won't respect it, or ignore it. They don't own me, is how I feel. Strangely, nobody calls me now as I have blocked the text. But, this doesn't block their ability to call. I feel relief from the group text. But, it feels weird that i have to block them. I don't want to clock them, but i don't want to get unexpected texting. I have always been the one to stand on my own, stay peaceful, keep out of drama and support those who needs it. Love wolf, a bit estranged.

[@graemesutton2919]

I am 58 yo plus disabled. My parents are expecting me to care for them and likewise they seem to want to possess me. I have been independent of them since 17 yo and I am setting boundaries. The pushback is shocking

[@alyce6217]

Is that because the older members are still alive? Since my grandmothers and so many people have died the past 15 years my cousins and I feel we have no family. I try, as the oldest, to maintain connection to ones I’ve always really liked. But as a 53 year old it’s weird, I had a dysfunctional family that’s now dead and or spread out so much we don’t engage much. So I’m just curious about who in your family, at 58, keeps the weird family dynamic alive.

[@ccalexander1924]

@@alyce6217I’m in a similar situation. I have very little family because my dad was almost 20 years older than mom. A lot of his siblings ( all but one ) had passed. My mom went NC with her entire family at 19 ( I did meet her one sis one time ). All of my family is spread out in other states and I don’t really know any of them. I didn’t grow up with aunts , uncles , cousins etc. it was just me , mom , dad , 2 siblings. My father was a major alcoholic and my mom was extremely abusive physically and emotionally. I’m about to write a book but use different names bc my life has not been easy. When I was about 5 I can remember thinking I’m never going to have kids and bring them in a world like this. I thought my life was how everyone’s was bc I never been around a normal functioning family. My dad passed when I was 19. My mom expected me to take over and do everything for her that he did such as weekly grocery shopping for her , take her to all her dr appts , pretty much be her personal assistant. If I dared said no there were explosive arguments , I was blamed for her being hungry etc. mind you … my mom was not disabled. She still isn’t. She is in very good health and is able to be an Indrpendent adult and take care of herself. She chooses not to. She chooses to have her kids drive her everywhere . I have taken her to Dr appointments for YEARS , weekly grocery shopping , to bank , when she finally started working bc she had to I would often drive her to work and pick her up ( all while working full time myself , taking pager call , help my sister with her daughter ) I always felt like I had to take care of everyone ekee and put my needs on the back burner. If I ever said no to anything there were arguments , blame etc. so I moved out of state to get away from my family. I was gone maybe 5 years and it was the most peaceful 5 years I ever had. I started thinking my family is getting older and I don’t have much so maybe u should go back home and get a house etc. maybe they changed. Well I came back and nothing has changed. Infact , it may have gotten worse. I am done. I finally went NC on two family members ( mom and one sis ) for months then went very very LC where I haven’t seen them in little over a year and I rarely respond in a group text. I am looking at apartments and townhomes to move out of state sometime before this year ends. Thus has been the most peaceful year I have ever had in YEARS being away from two people. I do keep in touch with one sis ( I have 2) but I think long distance and LC works better for me. I will have to make friends and I will def come back home to visit them but at least 1-2 times a year is way better then every holiday , b day , Mother’s Day etc where there is nothing but arguing , talking of politics or having to hear them talk about whoever isn’t there. My family is exhausting. We all need therapy but none of them think so ( except my nice sis ). My nice sis said she only talk to other sis bc we don’t have any family. She didn’t have kids either. I don’t know what her plans are but I know what mine are. That’s to move away and be at peace

[@louisruffin6808]

To prevent the hurt from others, silence is the answer. If a fish kept its mouth shut, It would not have been dinner.

[@lovesings2us]

thank you 🐟🐟🐟 quiet fish are now my teachers🐟🐟🐟🐟

[@rochellecaffee3267]

Feeling “compelled” to accept a bad situation, or feeling “compelled” to “ love” someone abusive because you feel trapped with the abuser, gives one a hopeless feeling about the future.

[@antonellahuron496]

We're allowed to prioritise ourselves and disappoint.

[@jerrywise]

Not only that we are allowed. This is often very necessary for having a healthy relationship

[@MapleKlister]

"And we'll love you no matter what." Something I've never heard from my family.

[@jehannehardwick6311]

Words only ever said to my younger sister, never to me.

[@bereal6590]

Oh my mother says I will do anything for you. It's a trap and it's a lie. Translated as, so long as you act think and feel how I want you to AND 'anything' means, if I see fit so it makes me look good. Biggest lie my parents ever told and nd utter rubbish

[@louisruffin6808]

#7. Take back control they've stolen from you. And pray again.

[@lauriaktahi]

I went full throttle...I went car camping 7 years ago, and never returned. Its more enriching developing my own survival systems, than being trapped in Others systems. I dont have to Deal with ALL the trauma drama Every minute of the day anymore. My tbi needs peace and quiet.

[@Buffy1986.]

I have detached and gone no contact with my family about a year ago and recently with my father. This has been very good for me and my mental health. I’m 55 and spent so many years feeling like what is wrong with me, can’t do anything right, why don’t they love and support me, being the scapegoat, gaslit, etc. I have less anxiety and feel at peace and I’m not always ruminating about my relationships with them and worrying what’s going to happen next or worrying I’m going to say or do something wrong and how my family will take things when I feel like I’m just being normal. Or wondering “what just happened?” Or being told I’m the problem. So I’ve just basically isolated myself and no more problem me.

[@huynhh.1822]

I can’t wait, at the moment I’m going through what you mentioned. It’s insane, I’m pulling away and at the moment my mother is getting nasty. The more I back up the more controlling and victimized herself, at the moment I have to secretly record everything and slowly emotion detach myself from her bs and the family narc the enablers. Please pray for me.

[@ccalexander1924]

How is that going ? I’m in the same situation ! I have a very small family ( no kids ) I didn’t grow up with any aunts , uncles , cousins etc . It had always been my mom , dad ,2 siblings and that’s it. My mom and one sister have treated me like ish my entire life. I am now watching a ton of videos and reading books on narcissism and it has helped me greatly. I went NC for months on those two then very LC. I haven’t went to any family gatherings in a year . It had been the most peaceful year I have had in a very long time. I moved out of state years ago to get away from the two narcs but came back home thinking I have such small family I should try and see if everyone has matured and get along etc. well nothing has changed with those two. It has only gotten worse. My nice sis said she only puts up with mean sis bc our family is so small but she feels like mean sis is a distant cousin . Well I decided I’m not putting up with it anymore. It’s been just a little over a year and my mom’s b day is coming up and I decided it’s time for the talk. I’m going to meet her at a restaurant, bring her a gift and tell her I’m moving out of state. I’m moving about 9 hours away so we can still visit every once in awhile. But I’m done. Long distance relationship works best for me ! I’m def going yo keep in touch with my one sis and come by a few times a year to see her and maybe my mom but just not living close and putting up with the arguing if I ever say no ( I’m not allowed to say no or I get the blame and told I’m a bad child who should do more for mom ), no more being blamed for things I never did ( my mom has blamed me for things since birth that I never did ). One time she called my did on her b day and asked if I was there and when she said yes my mom said “ well I guess you won’t be getting that birthday cake I wanted to get you )! My mom blamed ME as the reason she didn’t get her a cake bc my mom expects me to drive her anywhere at her convenience! My mom never asked me. I had no idea she wanted to get her a cake but I was blamed for that. I was given the silent treatment on my birthday bc I told her no I couldn’t plan my own birthday day dinner in less then 24 hours with 10 people. Another time she gave me silent treatment bc I couldn’t bring her some corn. I was taking my cat to his cardiology appointments and had my own work contracts etc I was super busy but bc I told her no I can’t bring corn I got silent treatment ! My mom has been given me silent treatments since I was 6 if I wouldn’t play a board game ! The stories I have are insane ! So I hope you are doing well. It’s a hard adjustment but for years I always thought what am I doing that is so terrible to get silent treatments , blamed for things I never did , always told I’m the one with the bad attitude , I’m The black sheep of the family …. After watching these videos and reading books etc it has helped immensely! I know I’m the scapegoat. I know I was the enabler for years just taking it bc I didn’t want one more argument. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted it peaceful but no matter what I did there was never any peace. I’m almost 40 and it kind of upsets me that I feel I wasted so much of my time and life tip toeing around certain family just for sake of arguments. I wish I had learned all of this earlier in life like my niece has.

[@ccalexander1924]

@@huynhh.1822I hope you can stick to your boundaries ! I moved out of state years ago to get away from some family members and it was the most peaceful time. I came back thinking we are getting older , I don’t have much family , maybe they changed anx matured. Well they didn’t. They only got worse. I wish I never came back. I am planning moving out of state again just far enough where I only have to engage with them every few years. But this one year of NC and very LC has been amazing for my anxiety and mental heath. I haven’t had to be blamed for things I never did , I didn’t get any silent treatments bc I have a boundary , I haven’t had to deal with mg sis judgmental attitude. It’s been great. I’m finally going to have a sit down dinner with my mom to tell her I’m moving out of state. She doesn’t drive. She is able to. She refuses too. So I’m going to tell her she is welcome to see me with advanced notice but she will have to figure out how to get there. If she needs anything she can call me and I will do what I can for her but all of her blame games , silent treatments and expecting me ti be her personal assistant ends ! I will be living about 9 hours away . I did not go to any family gatherings for one year and I haven’t missed it one bit. I finally found peace with just my husband and animals and friends ( and my one nice sis and her husband who have been kind ). But I’m not sure where that leaves me and my one mean sis. I am not sure even being long distance from each other can repair our relationship. The damage has been done. I’m not sure if I even want to try to salvage that relationship

[@zbyszeks3657]

Great, clear. I love that "respect" issue. Having respect means perceiving another as EQUAL. Do not having respect, replacing it with expectations means perceiving another human being as INFERIOR. That's a little scary.

[@maggied.7596]

I changed my name, moved,and gave them nice nicknames to detach from narcissism. It was the only way to heal

[@Pera152]

"When does the debt end?" is a simple question that shines a light in a dark space in my head

[@s.s.8029]

I married a John, which nearly destroyed our marriage. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "family is everything, you need to get along." Help is just expected and rarely reciprocated. Too much excuse making and enabling. I am glad I was able to step away, even though it took time to stop feeling guilty. At one point I barely recognized myself in the mirror because of the abuse. I am glad that I woke up and realized how toxic this was to myself and my family.

[@davesiegal3592]

"Help" is when you give to someone without expecting reciprocation. "Assistance" is when there could be recompensation for time spent, a "business contract". That's why the government uses the term "assistance" and not "help". If the gov't determines you didn't deserve it, you'll have to pay it back.

[@sannajohanna5579]

Great introspection!

[@huynhh.1822]

Almost 2 yrs I’ve started pulling away, putting up boundaries, I have been called selfish, ungrateful, horrible person. Love your videos!!! ❤

[@GilbertFleming]

I really enjoyed this. It was a revelation to hear that these emotional guilt systems are baked into the system. My mother would constantly push my buttons, threaten to cut her wrists, but she was just trying to manipulate me to do what you wanted me to do

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I went extremely little contact with my family over 30 yrs ago! I made that decision & don't regret it at all. I thank GOD my fam wasn't there for me times I felt I needed them. I've been on my own so going no contact was easy & beneficial for me & my children!!!

[@Goldenheart2911]

Assuming by others is not respect, it is emmeshment. Understanding this is such a game changer and goes hand in hand with the guilt card. Until you dig deep and understand that this is not normal you just think this is how everyone lives and it's not. My whole family was one big emmeshment and I see how this was carrying over into my relationship with my kids. Detaching is difficult but necessary. Great video💛

[@sannajohanna5579]

Thank you! I think I just avoided being enmeshed and detached with one workmate of mine. I simply set my boundaries. I had promised him that he can plant her turnips on the piece of land I rented. Of course, I offered him only the place, I did not say that I would fertilice and take care of his part. But, it began that I took 5 hours time when we cleaned and removed the weeds from the land - from HIS place- with my tools on which I had invested my money. I carried the water from the river - not him. And even later, I started to feel that he just expected to use my tools- he did not invest anything so he had to know when I go there, to be able to use my tools because I did not leave them there - and also he did not take care of his plants. The ground was not good enough, he should have buy fertilises, sand, different kind of ground etc. to make the basement better for plants - he invested nothing. Then I took another 5 hours alone to make room for my plants, mold the ground first to improve it. Then I realised, that I am too late this season in anyway. (I live in the North of Europe and in August we have an autumn already). I have no time for planting and growing. Besides, the attitude of my workmate pissed me off really. I knew that this is the trigger, something from the past and now I must get over this before it is too late. I told him that he must take care of his plants. I have no energy, money or time to look after his plants, not even my own. I am going to close this case and stop planting this year. It was a good co-incidence that I must stop doing it, but also I noticed quite early what it is in his mind. I have experience! And never I have had good experiences about lending my tools to someone. They do not return them back or they destroy them and do not buy new ones. And I have used hundred of dollars (Euros here in Europe) to get them, and my soent time in the hardwarestores. So again, I was kind and offered a place to someone and without any guestion, he did nothing for himself but seemingly thought that “we” are the one - and I am the part of the one who does the heavy job and uses my money fo common good. Yak. I was so anxious and angry about this feeling. Unfortunately, I think that he’s codependent. He often bakes cakes and other stuff and brings them to the work and offers them (not sell), is all the time socialising and seeking attention in that way. I have looked at his actions and thought: When comes the point when he demands something back? Or, it comes like this, without words: “Because I bring in cakes (that I cannot even eat because I hate sugar) then I can use your tools, time and money in the garden.” No, it is not like that. Thank you about knowing about codependency and narcissism etc. It is so helpful. Some day you tell to yourself: I’ve got enough and I also know what is good for me and definetely not this kind of silent contracts that someone else does for you. Andyou can tell your pal: Take care about your stuff, I care about mine. Help is something else than this. This was not about helping anyone.

[@USAcit]

I love the, "do a little bit of it." That sounds like a refreshing non-stress way approach to changing me. One step at a time. Focus on me and change my negative patterns, thoughts and any behaviors that hurt me. I think detaching from toxic family members and toxic others Etc is the greatest step I can take to become a better person. Thank you sir.

[@pastelrose1042]

Just practiced this today during FOO Member "splitting" episode, and it helps SO MUCH with sudden intense anxiety when I'm triggered around Borderline FOO Members. I just have to keep loosening unresolve attachments the most, because choosing not to be defensive or reactive are old roles I've played for over 10 years (in the Family of Origin System) is very difficult ...but I'm gonna keep going because I've gotten a lot better in my recovery, so its well worth it. Thank you so much Jerry for all you do, and may God bless you 10 fold! 😊💜💚

[@tashasmith2245]

Wow this is a good video! I deal with chronic anxiety dealing with my mom and am learning to detach and be my own person without guilt.

[@rosel9785]

Me too!

[@marionsmith676]

Me too

[@northstar5919]

Omg yes. These people control siruations with rage, anger, shame, guilt and"you owe me". They are aware what they are doing. So its important not to owe them anything. In family you owe what you didnt ask for.

[@pavla2055]

Emotional detachment is a BIG hump to get over . It may have been made a little easier for me having being diagnosed with an attachment disorder related to CPTSD . Even after marriage when my mother decided I would be doing something or attending some event she would phone screaming at me as volume and force or tears and manipulation were what worked on me . Last second demands when told that I already have other plans were met with YOU DO NOT !!! NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to get out of this manipulation out of your life and claim a small space for your own light .

[@sherylbeamer7189]

Jerry thank you! No one gets to the heart of the matter concerning family systems like YOU do. Thank you so very much🙏🏼🥰

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome Sheryl, I'm glad my work resonates with you and helps you

[@thyallseeingeye]

“I want to change the pattern and change how we interact and I want it to include a self that's not going to feel comfortable for people who like it the other way” BOOM 💣 thank you so much.. This was so insightful.

[@birdie6916]

Fantastic! Thank you so much, Jerry. I definitely fall into the servitude category and being compliant despite my own unhappiness due to codependence etc. Really struggling with re-claiming my life after cancer, especially since my parents took care of me during that struggle. I feel like I owe them, and they often imply that I do. It's challenging, but I have gotten so much better at declaring self and setting/sticking to boundaries.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

this was so painful and difficult to watch, still need to watch it again to absorb. much appreciated Jerry as always for your amazing insights and work.

[@jerrywise]

You're very welcome Kareem. Keep up the good work

[@christinerobertson9596]

Such needed information- both sides of our families narcissistic- learning how to say no without the guilt. Hubs got a text from sister 3,000 miles away, " Mom is having 60th wedding anniv (dad is passed) brother and I are doing something real special for her. Could you please text Mom to wish her a Happy Anni?" Last week was Mom asking"Why aren't you visiting Dad's relatives?" It just doesn't stop.

[@suzesinger6762]

Aaah. X That all comes from....them not...meeting others needs in a healthy way - so they have to use you as the..... 'dumpster'. 😉😊😁😅

[@suzesinger6762]

Cooos....weeee....only feel worthy of....spending our lives and time around unsafe people - like we did in our childhood. BUT ! .... what is important is - not how we started - but how we FINISH. ♡♡

[@budogacha]

My children are narcissistic. I am hurting due to the bizarre distress how it exposes my vulnerabilities. .I know detachment works to save your sanity and self respect. I proudly reward myself daily/ weekly for being my best self if not ,you fall to pieces.reclaim your power.

[@chickadee317]

Narcissistic or alienated? I thought my son was a narcissist until I learned about alienated children.

[@JayBird227]

Ask yourself what you did wrong for them to become narcissist, most likely you maybe an empath, and both are the polar opposites of the same spectrum. Heal your empathy wounds and you won’t have a narcissist. Blaming doesn’t solve anything.

[@salguzman802]

It feels good to detach , like time I never had freed before until I could detach then I have so much good feeling free time , for more important things I really REALLY wanted to do😋💝😏😏 Thanks so much buddy for another phenomenal video🌹😏😏😎

[@kathleenm1567]

Looking forward to learning about how to do this, not only with family, but in work environments too.

[@jerrywise]

Anything said in the video can be applied to any relationship, also in the work place

[@Bloominglotus19]

Many workplaces resemble a narcissistic family - the same dynamics are in place. And most likely, you're playing the same role in the workplace as you played in the family

[@flowerchild89]

You're describing my ex inlaws to a T. Needless to say they were definitely one of the reasons I divorced their son. He was more loyal to them, even to this day at 48. It's pathetic. And weird. That family was waaaaaay over emeshed. The ex inlaws snap their fingers and he's there. He will never stand up to them.

[@more444store6]

Such great advice! Detachment is really the way to go.

[@Gemmarose9012]

Perfect timing, I need this!

[@jerrywise]

The video was recorded for you, I hope you allow others enjoy it too lol

[@lilithjesus7718]

s a m e , Gina ❣️

[@user-et6fw6zc3n]

Jerry you are amazing. These feelings come up so much when dating and your explanation is invaluable. Thank you so much!! 💓

[@jerrywise]

I’m glad it resonated, you are very welcome. And yes these are feelings that can come up a lot when dating

[@jeantuite-actress--imdb]

With friends too and sometimes work too

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Hi Jerry, such helpful information. Wondering if you would consider doing a video on when the client decides to move on or deal with their narcissist family differently but have children who were raised under the old rules and the kids have relationships (distant mostly) with the narcissistic family members. What does that look like and how do we deal with that healthfully with the kids (late teens) so its a positive juncture and not a harmful hurtful one.

[@dnk4559]

I really need a video on this too! Thank you for bringing it to his attention!

[@sannajohanna5579]

“When do we stop owing to (our parents)”? Never. My mom has said to me that I can never give back to them what they (my oarents) have given to me. I am forever under the burden of debt. My life is stolen.

[@franny5295]

Then accept that you can never pay it back and file bankruptcy. Or the emotional equivalent of it.

[@pastelrose1042]

Thanks!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful. Thank you for watching the video!

[@you8just]

Stop sacrificing yourself screw them all, they never loved you and just used you, you don't owe them jack shit, they chose to have you. lol

[@JayBird227]

Enablers calm their anxieties via enmeshment!

[@MarthaMcCrum]

Can’t wait!

[@catherinesinclair7727]

Just so sensible. Thank you 😊

[@sherika1977]

Back again this is on repeat!

[@darinsmith2458]

Really glad that I listened to this one. I might have to save this one too. When I was seeing a Therapist and we were working on Detachment I asked why can't I just shift the focus off of my mom and on to playing the guitar? It didn't seam to workout that well. Maybe I need to find a guitar with more emotions;)

[@mariadaquila7587]

This is excellent 😊😊😊

[@jennylynn82173]

Jerry, Thank you...!!!

[@Star-dj1kw]

good video ✅

[@ourglobalfamilyfarm]

spot on AGAIN Jerry! I am experiencing anxiety due to enmeshment with siblings who want some of the inheritance and making me feel guity for not giving them all the money they want me to give to them. When money is involved it makes the attachments even worse...Part of me feels like if I give the money they want then I can end the enmeshment and stop "owing" them. Part of me feels like I dont' need to pay them anymore money. However, I mentioned back in November that I was willing but now there are so many expenses on the house that I have the Life Estate Deed and right to live here after Mom's passing, that I feel I can't give them each (5 siblings) the amount of money I mentioned back in November. I wrote a check and a note to all 5 of them explaining that I can't give them the full amount of money. One brother has written back and asked for the rest of the money that I "committed to" (his words not mine). They don't feel it fair that I get to live in Mom's house with my husband as long as I want and that is why they want to even things up by me giving up some of the inheritance money to them. We each received the same amount of inheritance money but I am torn between wanting to give them some money but not the big chunk that they want me to pay them. They feel I owe them. I guess I felt I could make amends by giving them each a big chunk of my money but now I feel like I can't give away such a big chunk. I have to think of my future and expenses. Since I have the life estate deed I am responsible for the property taxes, homeowners insurance, maintenance and upkeep on the house. There will be big expenses in the future such as new roof, new decks, new windows, paint job, repair of rot, etc. I'm asking what I should do about this money issue. Will it help to give them the money they want to so that I can stop "owning them?" Or should I say that I am now not willing to part with the larger chunk of money because of the expenses? I did already try to state this fact but one brother has essentially demanded the remaining money. I am not under any legal obligation to pay them, but wondering if it is better to give them money so everyone (them and me) will be at peace. Peace is what I seek.

[@Belevaqua]

You know deep down inside what is fair…Peace be with you.

[@joanndeck4315]

I think your mother was a narc….leaving her children in such an unfair situation. We’re you the golden child? How really sad

[@fionameredith8787]

I hope you did not give them the additional money - and that you are at peace with that.

[@brennopecora7621]

Great to hear your voice! Great animations to go with it!

[@sherika1977]

You have been a Godsend for my: Mind, Body and Soul…

[@m17434]

You´re example of "John" is about me! Thank you, and more videos please.

[@BiruteNomedaStankuniene]

Thanks for video.

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome

[@jennylynn82173]

I am so eager to hear the next video!!! This one is awesome!!!

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it, the next video will be out next week

[@farrellhamann]

Thanks, eye-opening!

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@1234CDAB]

Super video!

[@jerrywise]

Thank you very much!

[@tanyakashyap6944]

Thank you Jerry ☺️🎯

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome Tanya ❤️

[@rachelwardell8969]

@ 5 min and can't wait to share this vid. Excellent work Jerry! Thankyou so much! 🤗☺💛🙏🙌👆😊 i can see this will be helpful to anyone already.

[@lclayton1330]

Really like your videos. Thanks for these! (Subscribed!)

[@jerrywise]

Glad you like my videos, welcome to the family!

[@whitneyv.8211]

First video I've seen from you and I like it very much!

[@jerrywise]

Welcome to the family Whitney!

[@TheMasterMackey]

Jerry my guy!

[@jerrywise]

❤️😊

[@PurpleSunshine23]

This was super helpful information. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@anitar2928]

I've missed your videos!

[@jerrywise]

Lots more to come, stay tuned

[@jmsolangi]

Jerry u're amazing

[@jerrywise]

Thank you, you are very kind

[@yveqeshy]

So glad u found your channel, your work is so poignant. I'll say it again, this work truly helps you transform your Interactions with other people. Especially for those who have alot of trauma from the families of origin, this work will truly change your life and perspective

[@Gigiyoungerme]

Thank you ,😃

[@jerrywise]

You're welcome!

[@berlinetta____2680]

Thanks Jerry, very helpful. :)

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you VERY MUCH for this video which was an eye opener for me. 👁🌞🦋

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@cynthiareedy5704]

Would love to do the 4 week course…(you offer great info)…but $1,999 is way out of my financial realm…darn.

[@jerrywise]

Hi Cynthia, please email about the workshop to discuss the pricing [e-mail]

[@MissNancy]

Jerry, you're clarifying many things for me ❤.

[@jerrywise]

So glad!

[@joemark4949]

YAY ANOTHER JERRY VIDEO!

[@jerrywise]

Glad to have you here Joe

[@joemark4949]

@@jerrywise glad to be here

[@DrPeterMarsh]

I really appreciate you’re expertise and insight

[@jerrywise]

Thank you very much!

[@helenquinn9444]

Thank you for your wise words. Adult children also manipulate in this way. The guilt trip goes both ways... If you let it!

[@MylonMoses]

Thank you Jerry! Thank you so much for this information!

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@ifyourepeatalieoftenenough8500]

Thank you for your advice. Try to do it. Get away from people. But cant get away from stalkers. They should leave me alone.

[@prettynatural1973]

Thank God for you. This explains everything..

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome, i'm glad it resonated ❤️

[@rosiewillford2212]

Hey Jerry I😁 listened to every word. And it made sense. And thank you for not blaming us the mom, As so many people do.

[@jerrywise]

I'm glad the video resonated with you Rosie

[@simplyixia3683]

Oh my god, your hypothetical John scenario was pretty much my exact situation, the only difference was I am not a doctor. The system was unchangeable so I ran away and went no contact. While it’s helped tremendously with my mental health, I feel like I have to justify my decision more to people. John’s dysfunctional family seems so tame compared to people who were locked in closets and starved as children. I feel like I have to advocate harder for myself that what I suffered was abuse of another kind.

[@johndeal4381]

My name is John! Thought you were talking about me until you said he was a doctor. I'm on disability for depression from all the gaslighting and stress from my father.

[@karenkasteler942]

Great video......I do pretty good but have a real problem with people's suffering.....could you please do a video on the "benefits, necessity," of suffering.....we're all subject to it....so it must be part of life's reality.

[@kathleenm1567]

QUESTION (also in chat): DO YOU HAVE ADVICE OR RECOMMENDATIONS THAT ARE UNIQUE FOR DETACHING IN WORK ENVIRONMENTS? I'm 58 yrs. old & have anxiety about confronting issues at the moment they occur, directly with the person involved, because I don't want to get triggered. When I seek help from the proper authorities on the job, it's futile. I've always been a team player, hard worker, & giving 100+%. The pressure builds up so much, that I react, which brings on unbearable shame & guilt. My last 5 jobs (since 2016) have ended after approximately 3.5 months.

[@jerrywise]

All of my videos can be applied to the workplace. The family environment and the family environment are both emotional systems and have similar emotional dynamics. In the future I might consider recording videos specifically for leadership, work & business

[@catherinesinclair7727]

@@jerrywise that would be amazing..much needed in the workplace..perhaps the begining of awakenings for some

[@OnlyOneName]

@@jerrywise I agree 100%, family environment and work environment is almost alike. We keep repeating the same family systems in work environment until we get the right tools (Thank you, Jerry) and change from within. I realised that I have had the same problems with my many "mothers" and fathers" in social environment since I left home. Once I learned something new about the problem, I stop repeating a pattern. I'm amazed by this correlation.

[@janeylynn5934]

I am 45, and still living with my parents. I have chronic health issues, which may be due in part to the stress of living a lifetime in a narcissistic family. Because of my health issues, I am unable to earn a decent income which would allow me to move out on my own. My parents chose my career path, which isn't a good fit for me, and I will never have the chance to heal. I've never met another person, anywhere in the world, who is in a similar situation to mine. I believe I'm truly the only one. (NOBODY is still trapped with their parents at age 45.)

[@sirrantsalott]

Get any job, start saving, and move out

[@janeylynn5934]

@@sirrantsalott Easier said than done. Not feeling well and having extra health expenses to pay for can make this pretty impossible.

[@Albatrosspro1]

I felt the same way until a couple years ago when I finally did something about it. You haven’t dug deep enough to find what is holding you there. Childhood PTSD is a possibility.

[@janeylynn5934]

@@Albatrosspro1 I'm sure that is right, but because I can't afford therapy, I'm not sure how to go about doing something about it.

[@eyeseeme3]

Although your situation must be difficult the only way to get out is to take ownership for your own future. And work on believing in yourself. Power to you 🙏🏽

[@fiftyshadesofgrey1991]

I am in this state right now. Even if pushing my abusive mother out of my physical space she still triggers in me negative response

[@rochellecaffee1417]

“The Borrower is Slave to the Lender.” (Proverbs in the Bible)🤨

[@zzc8505]

I know how important detachment is, I understand what its absence does to me and my relationships. But just HOW do you detach? -- I have not heard a clear answer from anyone yet. Are there some specific steps/actions/etc. that could be suggested for regular practice, for specific situations etc? Likewise, I know all too well how being stuck in the past affects my present precisely as described here. But the question that no one seems to give a clear answer to: how do you make peace with your past?... especially, if there is unresolved business of sorts which cannot be resolved the way that would give you satisfaction?... so, just how does one resolve one's past?... and what is one to do while in the process of that "resolving"?... and "accept it" does not cut it, that does not answer "how." So, are there specific steps and examples of how to "accept/resolve/make peace" with one's past?

[@anndixon4577]

I don’t know if this helps: My mother used to interject conversations at family gatherings with bizarre statements. I used to think, “Oh poor Mom, she needs attention”. I would ask her what she meant. This always resulted in her going off on an angry tangent. Now, when she makes a strange statement, I just say “oh” and go back to our conversation. So much better!

[@fiftyshadesofgrey1991]

John doesn’t have a trouble to be threatened with physical violence for simply saying “no”

[@louisruffin6808]

I'm not allowed to think for myself here.

[@rowenahaps8514]

Love your vids but they are always so quiet. Do you have a microphone?

[@rochellecaffee1417]

PLEASE KNOW THIS: Every suggestion I offer IS NOT a “COMMAND” TO SAY, OR DO, OR BELIEVE, WHAT I HAVE offered. YOU HAVE A CHOICE about every action, or belief YOU HAVE or DO. You are responsible for YOUR CHOICES, and no one else’s.

[@ccalexander1924]

The project with John and his dad sound like me and my mom. My mom refuses to drive. She can. Is perfectly healthy and able to but refuses. She demands that me or other sis drive her everywhere at her convenience. When I told her the bus goes toward her drs and bank and grocery store her excuse was “groceries are to heavy and I might get robbed “. When I told her clevelsnd has free rides for senior citizens to take them to dr appointments and back home and to grocery stores and home for free her excuse was “ I don’t want to get in car with strangers “. My mom had an excuse for everything. It’s always to windy outside or to hot or to cold as to why she won’t walk to the store that is a 2 min walk. Because she wants us to drive here everywhere. When I told her she is perfectly able to get her license and a car and drive herself to her appointments and grocery shopping her excuse is I don’t have money for a used car and insurance. I remind her how she gave 10,000 to my sis for her house down payment and I know she has the money she just said well I don’t want to. My mom ks the best manipulative person I know and she always blamed ME for anything that went wrong . In the bad daughter etc. unbelievable

[@KoolT]

ALANON program helped me a lot on this topic

[@rascallyrabbit]

someone said, healthy is attachment, unhealthy is trauma.

[@suzesinger6762]

HA ! .....the Demon - in - Law.....was trying to move ...pretty near us. They ended up about 8 miles nearer. I used to say to her, ' Ohhhh....near enough - but far enough away.' 😀😄😁😅🤣🤣

[@heidiuridge1584]

My life

[@julianal.573]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐

[@Anu-vr5qx]

🖤🌱

[@jerrywise]

❤️

[@KoolT]

21:29 assuming you will do something without asking.

[@talithakoum1965]

Maybe the parents are lonely like all aged people and want some company. That's why they don't want a worker. And as children don't care about parents now, especially if they are old, they ask for their presence by the mean of needs. But they would prefer not.

[@suzesinger6762]

Ohhhhh....... if we are enslaved to them- we neEEEVer...... S T O P ..... ' owing ' them.