Dismissive Avoidant: The Best Strategy to Re-Attract a Dismissive Avoidant | Coach Court

[@donkndave7811]

Best advice to get an ex- Dismissive Avoidant back? Don't. Move on to a secure, health person. There are 7 billion people in this world. All you need is the right one.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Yessir. 7.8 billion, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

[@emmanuelzagadat1788]

Thank you! ....I was waiting for someone to finally bring that up. I've tried to get back with my DA ex girlfriend. It's impossible to get back with them especially if they're level of attraction drops. You will jump through more hoops than a circus.

[@Sp-ck5es]

@@emmanuelzagadat1788 Leave them alone....Most of them, only wants to deal with you, when its convenient for them....They "LOVE", to be re-engaged with gifts....Objects that don't talk back....Leave them alone ...Let them soothe with someone else....Save yourself and the stress...

[@emmanuelzagadat1788]

@@Sp-ck5es Thanks...great point

[@saudlukmanofficial3793]

@@IamCoachCourt fuuck😭

[@lesliegivens5325]

I appreciate these videos because every time I feel weak and desire to call my "avoidant" ex, I watch these videos and am reminded how much work it takes to be with him and am so exhausted by the thought that I don't want to call anymore. 😂

[@komatsu8169]

Keep going, you will heal with time

[@petrpulchart8010]

How are you doing Leslie? What happened? Just curious as I am going through similar situation :)

[@lesliegivens5325]

@@petrpulchart8010 I backslided 😂 we got back together and basically moved in together, like immediately, after not speaking for a month, and we just broke up again about a month ago, after I lashed out at him for his avoidant behavior, which was absolutely getting on my nerves while we were living together. I'm disappointed because I hoped he would be the one, and dating again just seems exhausting, but after that experience of living with him, I realized the thought of being with him for the rest of my life seemed like a sentence rather than a blessing.

[@petrpulchart8010]

@@lesliegivens5325 thank you for the response! I had a similar experience in a sense that we started hanging out again after separating for a while and ended up going for a weekend to a cottage together. There I realized how preoccupied she is with herself and how little space and care she has for me... Was time to move on and invest the energy into someone who cares and deserves it the most - me :) Dating seemed daunting until I realized that there are so many possibilities and so much love within and now i am very excited about the love that is coming my way :) I wish you all the best and tons of self love! Petr

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@lesliegivens5325 Did you contact him or did he contact you?

[@busyazn]

Thank you! 4:49 Turtle analogy. When they feel unsafe, they retreat into their shell. Be patient. Give them time to work it out by themselves. 6:05 Be light and humorous. 7:15 No pressure on them to reconnect. Let them come to you.

[@warmhart2034]

Agree💯🙏😊 Even better, just become friends with them😃

[@MelissaElene]

But then how long is too long ?

[@busyazn]

@@MelissaElene tbh, I gave him about 6-7 months but during that time I dated, focused on my goals, exercised, vacationed, spent time with family, etc. Don't focus on them. Focus on yourself. You may meet somebody else if you give them a chance. Also, do you really want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? Ask yourself lots of questions and self reflect. If they reach out, give them a chance if you want but with guidelines. Good luck!

[@12345678abracadabra]

A reminder to the heartbroken that this should not be an excuse for you to pursue someone who's bad for me, even if you love them. If they change, great. But don't wait for the change. Make the choice to pursue when they demonstrate it. Look out for yourself first

[@sarahbright5231]

Unless they are doing something to heal I would t recommend re attracting. You’ll only find yourself being ghosted again and the pain that goes with it.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Sarah Bright Absolutely Sarah. Great advice

[@oliverjordan695]

Like jada augie entanglement pinkett smith healing?:)))

[@Porter5habazz]

@@oliverjordan695 🤣

[@Magnoliasdiary]

100% agree, the emotional rollercoaster and pain it's not worth it, I'm not saying they're bad but they are responsible for getting better so unless they're doing their job, stay away, your mental and emotional health goes first.

[@Katrica670]

@@Magnoliasdiary agreed!

[@alwaysaccurate8725]

Haha a couple of Months.. Secure attachment here and I am dating and living my life. The DA can catch me if they can.😆😆😆. If you are a DA please seek therapy and healing. Your partner, your children doNOT deserve it. Seek healing before dating

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

I aspire to be like you lol. I agree

[@jjc2323]

Exactly

[@HustleHabit]

Your name is appropriate lol

[@kathyh.648]

You are right in some way. But sometimes you get to know a great person who is still on their path on healing from ie childhood trauma, and you fall in love with them. They are still deserving of love even if they have not healed all the way. And if I did not have triggers left from my own history, it would not be too hard for me to wait a couple month…. So I still have some healing to do myself and I am worthy of love as well. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, but that does not devalue a good person. And why would you dismiss a good person as if they had no value, just because some struggles are ahead? No way.

[@petrpulchart8010]

@@kathyh.648 Well said! Give love and growth a chance

[@natalie651]

Loving this comment section. Here's to a healthy lovely 2022 and having relationships with people who want to be in a good relationship, communicate, love, be open, and take beautiful risks.

[@IamCoachCourt]

I’ll toast to THAT! Lol Happy New Year Natalie!

[@vintagelillady1800]

The sad thing is, I didn't know I was a DA till I dated a DA myself. It was like looking in a mirror and I didn't like how he made me feel, I felt so unsure around him and didn't know if he genuinely liked me or was just too afraid of getting too close. He was a good person but not a good romantic partner. I cut things off with him even though I had strong feelings for him because I was in a constant state on anxiety and I just wanted my peace back. I decided to do some research on emotional unavailable men and stumbled upon attachment styles which I then was enlightened that he and I were both DA. I'm excited to educate myself more and hopefully to become secure attachment and to finally get the love that I've always wanted.

[@IamCoachCourt]

You got this Laura!

[@vintagelillady1800]

@@IamCoachCourt Thank you so much! 🙏

[@vintagelillady1800]

@@komatsu8169 At the time I had never heard of attachment styles and noticed that I had traits of a DA and thought I was one but with more research now I know I'm an FA, a combination of anxiety and dismissive attachment styles

[@vintagelillady1800]

@@komatsu8169 It's a struggle lol, ever since I found out at had that attachment style I took a break from dating and started therapy. Me and him went on a date and I hadn't heard from him till 3 days later and he's ghosted me before for 5 months so when he texted me after the 3rd day I told him I needed to cut things off and wished him well, he of course didn't respond and haven't heard from him since. It's been about 2 months. But I'm so glad that I stayed strong and put my mental health first. It's hard to deal with the uncertainty I understand but sometimes it hurts more to hold on than to let go

[@vintagelillady1800]

@@komatsu8169 Yes damaging indeed and it causes long term damage too. You got this, choose yourself! There's a lot of good KZbin videos to help heal and attract healthy love. You are your greatest investment🤗🤍🙏

[@Cher1124]

It’s not worth it- just move on and find a securely attached person- otherwise you’ll be standing with your hands out with no reciprocity. .. and here we go again!

[@r25012501]

None of this goes into the fact that the Dismissive Avoidant's own behaviors can be reasons for why the relationship was damaged in the 1st place, it's placing all the fault on the anxious preoccupied sometimes you need to see that the DA's habits of the silent treatment, stonewalling, cheating, lying, keeping secrets, selectively addressing topics of questions rather than resolving, constantly judging or belittling anothers need are forms of abuse and toxic.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Those are more than just Avoidant tendencies

[@r25012501]

@@IamCoachCourt they are very much behaviours of a DA, perhaps not all but even seeking needs through another they know is unavailable in that way "cheating with married people" as a way to push others away an self sabotage their relationship.

[@fleecejohnson6939]

Yep

[@taqouiacardwell7762]

I think that's called a narcissist

[@retributionangel5078]

@@taqouiacardwell7762 Narcs dont hide. They wouldn´t miss a chance for someone to admire them and their big ego. Also they wouldn´t stonewall. They look for conflict and a chance to put you down.

[@MM-ql5ji]

They always want u around to only kick u away and make u feel lonely...

[@sassygal4727]

Omg...yes! What the heck... can't get close

[@NikkaKriss]

It’s a never ending cycle. It’s really not worth your time, mental health and inner peace 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@comeagyn]

But they will make time to make everyone else a priority and rub it in your face AND expect you to understand why you're last on the to do list.

[@ronni81231]

Don’t do any of these things if it means sacrificing your needs or not sticking to your boundaries. Seems almost impossible when it comes to dating certain DA’s.

[@daniellestaley9432]

After recently breaking up w a DA I was involved with for a little over a year, as much as I love him as a person, why would I go back to someone that has so much damage? You have to love yourself FIRST. Let people go down the river with love and compassion, and wish them well on their journey.

[@adoptioncorner1984]

That is such a positive thing to say. My heart is breaking that he could just block me and not care anymore

[@mjc21706]

Well said

[@roblotomy]

I pushed her away by just trying to see her.. She avoided me for 2 months.. Chasing her would be a waste. DAs aren't worth it

[@Lenc324]

Every time I get anxious and want to reach out to my DA I watch this video and it helps me pull back.

[@IamCoachCourt]

That’s great to hear

[@yasedky]

Any updates!! Did you reach out yet ?! Or you chose to move away It's been a month since you posted your comment

[@adnanbulbul9543]

Any update?

[@Lenc324]

Yes we did reconnect, but it’s a constant struggle.

[@adnanbulbul9543]

@@Lenc324 Can you give us some details of your relationship? Like how many months you guyz dated And how long did it took for her to come back

[@annemme]

I have a fairly secure attachment today, but with anxious tendencies. He brought them all back. Let it go with a DA. You'll never know if he's just DA or if he has AWFUL emotional problems, he might even be narcissistic. They are never clear and this does not allow you to start peacefully again, you will always feel bad. A secure person does not want this kind of companion. He came back to me 4 times, I didn't chase; always took 3 weeks or a month and a half, going on he brought out the worst of himself more and more. I was drained, drained, in a bubble, couldn't see myself anymore. Forget about them. If you wonder if the point is not to chase a DA... you are deluding yourself. They come back, but they give you a sledgehammer harder than the last one. Never chased... returned? never changed as well.

[@sage2181]

Nail on the head when you said a secure person does not want this. After five months of getting so little bit giving so much I hit block and removed them completely from my life. The emotional work they need to do in therapy is immense and anyone who wants to pursue this needs to resolve their own issues and self esteem. Self respect starts by letting these people go. Mine wasn't even a bad person. But they were ok with taking a lot and giving almost nothing back.

[@sittowardi6781]

Avoidants should be forced to walk around with a big red flag above their heads so the rest of us actual humans can be warned to steer clear away from trying and failing to love them.

[@fleecejohnson6939]

These people are technically narcissist

[@femmefatale7344]

😂😂😂😂

[@boom33joelmtz85]

Savage😊

[@smokingcrab2290]

For real. They're too damaged to even be in a relationship. They're so selfish. The minute you dont give them exactly what they want, they put you in the fucking dungeon

[@sxcibarco]

@@smokingcrab2290 for real I get a time out just for asking for basic needs

[@michelleh2598]

I have completely changed how I interact with the DA male I’ve been on and off involved with. I used to chase. I almost always contacted first. I’m done with that. He never wanted to have a real relationship. I finally straight out said to him that it won’t work for me anymore unless he’s interested in being more serious. I didn’t think I’d hear back again. I don’t contact him at all now. Strange thing is he shows up texting me now every couple weeks or so. Just light, superficial texts, not asking to get together. I respond in a kind and friendly way. Standing my ground though. I won’t accept crumbs anymore! Trying to practice more self love. Thanks for video Coach!😀

[@IamCoachCourt]

Michelle H Thanks for sharing Michelle!!

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Every couple of weeks or so is still crumbs 😒 dont settle for that!

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Texting every couple of weeks or so are still crumbs 😒 dont settle for that!

[@chimps7777777]

Same here...

[@jeahluna2385]

This should be taught in schools. So we are aware what attachment styles we have and work on the trauma that we have to develop healthy relationships

[@tavstephens6081]

Why should we jump through hoops to win them back, just for the DA to continue to ignore and disregarded us, and not meet any of our needs? I would imagine the DA would behave worse not better if the AP is doing all the chasing especially if they have not done any inner work.🤷🏽‍♀️

[@terryhutchings7701]

Just came across this video. My best advice, run from these guys! The DA is all charming and attentive in the beginning, then the ghosting starts. You will beat yourself up over what you did wrong. You did NOTHING wrong. These guys will suck the life right out of you. Run from them. You cannot help them, only a serious commitment to therapy will change them. Not your problem! Life is too short for their BS.

[@sage2181]

This a million percent! Run! Pursuing these types should be a sign that WE need therapy! Folks should have higher self regard than to pursue people who want to give you so little. These are narcissistic people who can't get out of their own way. Find someone healthy or pastimes or friends!

[@Sufiisfujaifjed]

You’re right. So attentive in the beginning and than boom a ghost appears because they didn’t like something. Usually the word NO makes them unmask themselves quickly!

[@sassygal4727]

Omg yeah....ghosted out of nowhere

[@Mav3rik28]

This is exactly what happened to me. Thank you for your words.

[@CA-de1kb]

Yep! Three months of fun times, laughter, affection, sweetness, and thoughtfulness… even some vulnerable conversations and getting more intimate emotionally and physically, though we never had intercourse. He wanted me to meet his family, including his sons who said, “Don’t screw this up, Dad.” Talked about taking trips together, bought a Keurig and my favorite coffee (he’s not a coffee drinker), even got a script for Viagra (he’s 58 and gone through serious weight loss). Lots of “Thank you for coming into my life” and “Don’t hurt me” comments. Spent time together four days in a row over a holiday weekend, things got a little more physical…and bam! Called and said he “didn’t know how to do this closeness but I’ll call you.” I didn’t contact him again. Fourteen weeks later I get a text saying he didn’t handle our relationship well, not to think he’s a horrible person, and to allow him to apologize sometime. Textbook DA who reels you in and then puts up the stop sign when you get too close. I lean AP but am becoming secure…have studied attachment now and done A LOT of work on myself. All I wanted to do was love him, but he wouldn’t let me. I can’t do it again… and again…and again…which is generally what it is with a DA. I will be much more discerning in the future. Maybe that was his parting gift to me.

[@mollysfamily914]

"You get no brownie points for the previous relationship, no matter how lomg you were together. The courtship has to start all over again and you have to attract them the same way you did before" absolutely f***king genius. Omg 100%. I needed to hear this. I've been stuck not knowing if we're automatically in a relationship again and if I should act all normal and casual, or if I should treat it as entirely new and treat him like a new fun date. Omg. Omg my world just turned around. This is going to change my life.

[@beefbelly]

how did it go

[@universaltruth2025]

I met my husband when I was young. I didn’t know anything about trauma or attachment styles and didn’t realise I was AA/FA and he was DA. I had become anxious about finding someone to date and was worried no one would be attracted to me or my personality. I grew up with a very critical father, a narcissistic brother and DA mother and had low self esteem. I had arrived at the unwise decision that it was easy to get a man to fall in love - it was just a simple formula of looking cute, acting cute, being funny, having sex of course, flirting, basically just love bombing them. I didn’t know about that term either I thought I had just figured out what you had to do to attract a man. So sure enough my husband was attracted to those things and I was to what I saw in him - I saw him as the perfect life partner. But I basically obliterated my real personality in the process. I wasn’t showing the real me which really was a very watered down version of all those things - plus I’m also a really deep thinker and need a lot of intellectual conversation to stay interested. Well my husband turned out to be DA (like my family were hence why he seemed so normal to me) and he never wanted to talk about anything deep & meaningful, he hates deep & meaningful, but by the time we both figured these things out we were both quite committed. But also both did not understand anything about psychology and attachment styles and really couldn’t understand why we weren’t happy a lot of the time. We are still together and not happy but if we did split up I would definitely miss him, I’d miss his company and the sense of safety he gives me. But if I wanted to get back together there is absolutely no way I could pretend to treat it as a first date. Turn on the charm etc. I just couldn’t do it. No more love bombing for me. If they are not attracted to the real you now - they’ll never be attracted to the real you.

[@buckeyeman7631]

If they don't get counseling, alone at first, then with you later on then don't bother about strategies to re-attract them...let them stay gone unless you are a glutton for unfair punishment and have the esteem of a door mat....then by all means chase them.

[@leslieleah5464]

The advice I needed to hear😭. Nicely said

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Thanks for this harsh but tough and truthful love. I needed it

[@DougLevy]

Thanks!

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thank you Doug!

[@Natgpooh]

This channel has been a God send to me. I have known that my partner has been a severe DA for the last 2 years, but I never knew completely how to connect with him or grow our bond without him running away.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thank you Natalie ☺️

[@1limitless156]

Why would you want to re-attract someone who can't fully love you in a healthy way????

[@ruggedlifejewelry]

because you're married *facepalm*

[@1limitless156]

@@ruggedlifejewelry why would you marry someone that can't fully love you?

[@roweme]

Here's the bind... I can only be that 'light and humorous' person they're attracted to if I've been away from them and their hot/cold tendencies. Even after years of self-work, my patience for this inconsistent behaviour hasn't increased - it's just changed from being triggering to annoying, and it's not something I want from any close connection in my life.

[@IamCoachCourt]

I agree. It’s very triggering

[@sabajahangir1588]

So is there a possibility that even if you heal yourself from anxious to secure patters they can trigger you back? I was doing well before him. But my anxious got triggerd after some progress in our relationship. He was never sure and i became triggered over time. Could that happen again?

[@roweme]

@@sabajahangir1588 I think sometimes it's that we trigger ourselves back. By choosing/ staying with a partner who demonstrates or communicates clear signs of uncertainty, I feel we abandon ourselves and what we truly want (a certain, loving partner). Self-abandonment has a deeper reach in me than my perception of others abandoning me, even if I'm in a place of feeling well- healed.

[@sabajahangir1588]

@rowrow3909 that hurts. Its the same for me. So, pursuing him again after a few months can create similar results despite being more careful? What about forming better boundaries?

[@roweme]

@@sabajahangir1588 Only you know what's right for you, but I think healthier boundaries could only be a positive thing? I guess for me it's helped to identify the threshold of self-abandonment for me (what does it look like when I self- abandon - my behaviors, thoughts, and how it feels - and what is motivating me to self abandon) then forming a strong boundary round this.

[@rheamickens9132]

When you said “work on you!” Find out why you need to be in this unhealthy dynamic in the first place…” Wow. Reading these comments I wasn’t expecting to read that. It spoke directly to me. I admit that it’s been comforting to know that this is an actual thing, that I’m not so horrible that this person that claims they love me keeps pushing me away. But it’s still not an excuse to keep putting myself through this psychological torture. And that’s exactly what I need is to figure out what is going on with me that I can’t seem to stop relentlessly pursuing..(don’t like to say chase 😆) Thank you for making me realize this and thank you for educating me on this attachment style. It really has been enlightening.

[@adoptioncorner1984]

Been there, going through it now after 3 years. It's hard to let go and see that it's unhealthy when you have given everything. 😢

[@sage2181]

I had to cut mine off completely. Block them from contact. They were so unhealthy with tons of excuses and pushing and pulling. Even when I asked if they had abandonment issues which they confirmed and gave them patience and so much time...when did MY needs and wants get to begin? After five months I set a month boundary if they didn't take the actions they claimed they would I was done. When there was excuse after excuse I finally blocked them and peaced out. Working now on why I would settle for breadcrumbs instead of spending more time with friends or looking for someone in a healthier place. Nothing good comes from these relationships.

[@jasonparrilla]

Great advice! I'm two weeks into a no contract phase... Suggested by me although when i brought it up she says she was going to initiate the no contact practice as well. So we're both on the sane page. 5yrs married i moved out. Watching videos seeing the things she said before our split make sense. The zero attraction sexually spiritually etc etc. I see now it's her attachment style and not me... Thank God for your videos cause my self worth shot down BIG-TIME I do empathize with her childhood now and fingers crossed hopefully we can reconnect. I'm working on my anxious style now building my confidence and seeing my reasons for being so dependent. My patterns are real and I'm facing my shortcomings daily. If it's God's plan all will be well. It'll take time but i know she's worth waiting for. In the meantime I'm growing in body mind and spirit. And I'm prepared to accept whatever the shall be in regress to the long term outcome. Thank you coach thumbs up to you!!

[@mollyhardy4550]

Thanks!

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thank you Molly ❤️

[@kellychristiansen7953]

You're the best! Sooooo accurate and frankly relieving..even though being on the receiving end of a deactivation is no picnic, ,.. it is so helpful to have a clear understanding now!

[@r.bishop1127]

I've been watching your videos. My DA came back. Took a month. He opened up a lot. I hope we make good progress now.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Good to hear!

[@r.bishop1127]

He lasted 3 months and bolted again ☹

[@jvdshow]

@@r.bishop1127 why?

[@r.bishop1127]

@@jvdshow it's what he does.

[@geywhdgskdb]

​@@r.bishop1127 what's the situation now ?

[@oliverjordan695]

Step back with a smile. U r his prize. Evolve focus on you. Da will show undirect effort or he belongs to the streets/world.

[@IamCoachCourt]

You ARE the prize!

[@Katrica670]

@Oliver Jordan huh?

[@cherisew]

This is gold. Short, sweet, and simple. If you have been dealing with a DA, you know they are indirect about many things. That’s definitely a tell-tell sign that they want to go fwd.

[@MissSarahGM]

I love this post. this made me smile! Yes they are indirect : would imply their feelings but he never said it. He used his dog, saying when I'll be gone, his dog will cry.

[@ad6417]

Dismissive avoidant women are at high risk to be ensnared by narcissistic men because their way of relating doesn't trigger our engulfment fears. So we actually feel comfortable with them initially. It wasn't until I understood avoiding attachment style that I could rid myself of my attraction to narcissists.

[@vanessalanier1306]

Thank you for this- married a DA it is truly eye opening Definitely at wits end #9monthsin

[@lmart16]

Idk how you go from NC to keeping it fun and light convo. Tips on this in a script would be beneficial.

[@manda-panda]

U never contact them. When they contact u then keep it light hearted. Detachment is the key to the law of attraction.

[@chickletmonstah]

I contacted mine and she was elated. She’s too proud to reach out first. Anyway I made it heavy and now she’s running a bit. So yes, please keep it light! Also flirt! Be funny! Get the feeling of starting over but doing it right.

[@bbm2116]

​@@chickletmonstah been looking for this comment, I now feel better as I contacted my AP, I missed him so much it was the first time after a loooooong 3 months of NC and 3 texts in these 3 months, 2 were swiftly responded to one was never responded but the call was really appreciated as if it was long awaited for but planning to keep quiet until he feels like himself again .

[@majickmeg]

What logical reason is there to reattach with a DA anyway? It's always cat and mouse... always.

[@SpicyLunarDust]

Yeah see, I agree with a lot of what is said. But I don’t agree that if you’ve been dumped or discarded that you should pursue or reach out in any regard. They should come to you when they’re ready. Over pursuing and smothering was likely at least one of the causes of what happened.

[@pennysam3245]

Exactly!

[@jadegarner3357]

Exactly!! I agree!! I’ve been ghosted 4 times by him & he’s been ghosted two times by me. I’m accepting at this point that it’s just not meant to be & if it is, I’m in therapy & he would need to be in therapy too which is highly unlikely to occur.

[@grendelsmama2302]

Leave them to their miserable lives...you can honestly find better in a pet rock. Even one person in the comment section kinda explained her/his thought process... they see affection, trust and vulnerability as weak. It’s pure immaturity that THEY need to address. Not your monkey... not your show. Leave. Them. Alone....

[@wisdomofcoach6544]

Don't let anyone come between you and your love, you can actually earn their love and make it too deep for the ocean to be jealous.

[@wisdomofcoach6544]

M e s s a g e h I m n o w

[@wisdomofcoach6544]

+1 (2 0 4 ) 8 0 8 2 2 3 4

[@sherryvan4627]

Lol @pet rock

[@stormvet3806]

Well said

[@beachgazer2269]

Can you do a video about on and off relationship with a dismissive avoidant? I have been in an on and off relationship with a dismissive avoidant for 3 years. Once we get close again he runs

[@fishstickbio594]

Beach Gazer .... I truly recommend you to google DSM and learn all the mental disorders in it .... or this is a sign that they just want to use you ..

[@pujapanday8286]

How are you doing now? Is your ex w you?

[@Katrica670]

@@fishstickbio594 DSM? Or did you mean DM?

[@alexandrachirila1917]

he ghosts or says to breakup or someth?

[@GorgonzolaChedda]

There is a difference between dismissive avoidance and commitment avoidance. Sometimes they correlate. But as a DA, commitment is not what I avoid, it's committing to the "wrong person". An errant but deep-seeded belief that people are never who they say they are so I keep them at a distance until I am sure they are consistant with their words and actions. That who we are together equals a safe place. I am working on not being so rigid with this. Sounds like your partner is either commitment avoidant or too rigid and has work to do. You can't do the work for him. But you can present the opportunity by approaching him about how you feel about the on again off again (gently, DA's cringe away from any perceived criticism) and if he is into you just rigid he might take the opportunity to grow together. But who knows. I wish you the best.

[@toledosan]

It's definitely a two way street, I'm more than happy to re-court n restart, but not if it'll just repeat the toxic spiral. My time n energy is important, if I choose you, I choose you. Thanks for the video n the insight 🙏 🙏 🙏

[@IamCoachCourt]

🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@nicolecuschieri8661]

I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. We were madly in love and got engaged. He’s always been scared of relationships and thinks of himself as a lone wolf. I’ve always given him space and freedom and it worked ok for me too. Suddenly after a fight, which we rarely have, he just left me even though I know he loves me like crazy. He said he felt caged and needed to be alone and that he’d been feeling caged for a while and ignored it. He broke my heart to pieces and we stopped contact. Now he reached out and we agreed that we felt we have lost a best friend and we have agreed to meet and hang out as friends. He shows all the signs of a dismissive avoidant. He’s very loving and emotional but when he feels threatened he runs for the hills and it takes time to coax him back out. I guess that is what is happening now and I feel emotionally drained but I will see what happens and if we do get back together, if he is open to working on whatever unresolved trauma he has been carrying his whole life. Thank you for your channel it is very helpful X

[@jaime15012]

My avoidant and I were together 6yrs. He blocked me and unblocked me 168x in a year lmao but oddly I knew that was why I was special to him. He’s my best friend now and I’m constantly telling him to go hook up with other ppl. I tell him I’m dating as well. Seems like the more I do that the more loyal and close we get. Avoidants are basically backwards

[@trulia8119]

Mine has blocked & unblocked me so much that I have lost count. I never know why Im blocked but it’s apparent that I offended him in some way & he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. He never wants to have conversations.

[@joyhustles]

@@trulia8119 Hello ....how is your relationship so far with him.....

[@trulia8119]

@@joyhustles still not having conversations. Gives the silent treatment. I haven’t been blocked anymore. We were better for about 4 months then he was “triggered “, I suppose. I am getting burned out. He pulls away.

[@joyhustles]

@@trulia8119 Give it time dear ...I have come to know DAs process things slowly they value their space so much ....meanwhile don't forget yourself pamper yourself love yourself even more ....

[@1111fairy]

Why on earth would you count how many times he blocked you? That might be the problem.

[@Anime_kitten]

Holy crap now Ik it was so hard thank god it’s over! He pushed me to far!! Now I’m secure in my attachment and waiting for the right choice at the right time

[@amberriley7633]

Are DA’s more compatible & comfortable with other DA’s? I don’t understand why I have to sacrifice my values and wants for someone who doesn’t compromise with me at all

[@melodyblasich7953]

So they hold all the strings. They won’t meet us but we need to be on standby…important decisions are at stake. They’re uncomfortable with receiving love which ironically creates conflict. Done that. Your insight is very accurate. I’m not prepared to be on permanent standby when they won’t meet in the middle and they’re causing serious problems.

[@vrieskip]

I struggle with the advice being said by many, that the best way is to move on… I’m not sure if my ex is a FA or DA. But I was her first long term partner, she was my best friend but there was some distance. I know she won’t easily reconnect with someone else, if ever. But anxious as I am, I couldn’t deal with the space. She moved from her home abroad to live with me and we got a dog, I know she cared and loved me - just within the boundaries of her avoidant attachment style. I “move on” and happily proof to me and her I am not the one she painted me as at the end, but I can’t give up on the idea of reconnecting with someone I felt so close to.

[@steel128]

I'm in the same boat, I feel your pain. Head over heels for me 8 months straight, then out of nowhere breaks up with me over switching our days to get together. She probably thought in her FA mind that I was going to break up with her or something, because I couldn't get together a day or two earlier. I tried to get her back, but she just told me to not contact her anymore unless it's important. I've been in a lot of pain over it the past month, but I keep reminding myself that if we did get back together, she'd probably just do something similar to this again months down the road. Probably better off moving on as much as it hurts

[@maxhope7691]

I am in the same situation dude! It seems like there are more male DA than female DA, yeah?

[@joethompson9001]

I love you man you are so awesomely positive and authentic mate. Honestly though I reckon don’t try to re attract DA’s they are toxic! They very rarely ever change! The DA turtles come out of shells sometimes but they ALWAYS go back in at some point it’s so sad 🙏

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks for compliment Joe, I appreciate you being here! 🙏🏾

[@DeeneMuada]

im an avoidant and i got into a secure state with rhodiola rosea (5%salidrosides), SAMe and Lithium Oratate.

[@kimberleyann51]

Great video!! Im counting the weeks until I can reach out. I truly loved this man.

[@dp2849]

Don’t wait. Go live your life in that time. ❤️

[@seemu2927]

Go to therapy and find someone secure

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

If you’re counting the weeks you really missed the point.

[@steel128]

Move on, because you will get back together with them only to do the same thing to you a few months later

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

@@steel128 this is the answer

[@nakeishahenry9261]

Just love yourself and say no to the DA. Period

[@sassygal4727]

Solid advice😊

[@One_Of_One.1]

Why would you want somebody like this back?

[@yastilan9422]

Your videos are absolutely fantastic and are really helping me right now. Thank you!

[@IamCoachCourt]

🙏🏾🙏🏾 thank you

[@iraqitarot5277]

Man if I found this video in any value?... so far your videos are the most valuable thing i found on KZbin

[@IamCoachCourt]

That really means a lot Iraqi, thank you! 🙏🏾

[@JSMN_DAILY]

Shoutout to all the Dismissive avoidant people that are working on the attachment styles! Everyone deserves love ❤️

[@expectabundance4886]

Why would you re attract a dismissive avoidant!? Glutton for punishment?

[@Katrica670]

@Expect Abundance 🤣🤣🤣🤣😂but not funny though. 😥😥😓😓

[@SelfImageStylist]

Who, in their right mind, would want to?

[@IamCoachCourt]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/f4qZmKR7bJJ_Y7c

[@idaliak5194]

Why tiptoe around what sounds like a grown toddler? Sounds like one narcissistic attachment style.

[@Lee-rq9do]

Glad I found you. You’re logic is intuitive. Thx

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks a lot Lee!

[@shanefitzpatrick1406]

If you are someone who doesn't mentally think they can empathise and listen a DA out, I wouldn't stay. Work on yourself and be the strength you need. As an AO it's hard to be dynamic at times because you just want to give. I highly recommend not reaching out within the first two weeks, they will get highly agitated and run further. I value my DA and I'm waiting for her to reach out.

[@HustleHabit]

Did she reach out?

[@LeCarla]

Why? Why someone would do that? It hurts, yes! But the pain will go away. Give yourself a chance to be happy

[@junelee5975]

Thank you. This is a great video at a perfect timing for me. But i dont know why we dont get points for what we have dome for DA in the past. Because you are right, I have noticed this pattern. They dont seem to care at all how much I have done for them

[@IamCoachCourt]

Usually because they take pride in being self sufficient and can’t find value in something you’ve done for them because they most likely never asked for it.

[@junelee5975]

Coach Court thank you so much and you are absolutely right. You really have great knowledge about DA attachment style. It’s me who kept giving because he never asked but kind of gave me idea he might want/need them. If someone asked something from me it would turn me off. It is this quality that he never asked anything from me that made me give more to him. Thank you

[@dclarke2179]

The level of attraction drops, so anything done before matters but not as much. Have to start over.

[@Katrica670]

@@dclarke2179 huh?

[@schylerjohnson9216]

@@IamCoachCourt yea and that’s fucking low lol

[@Dreamsareareality]

Oh yes you know your stuff. Great information.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thanks Dreams!!

[@ashab3722]

Very good guidance coach.. I too need to work On myself to heal the neediness to be in such a relationship

[@IamCoachCourt]

Absolutely! Happy healing 🙏🏾

[@shannonkendrick865]

Wow I’m very enlightened thank you .. I take it I’m dealing with someone who is this way I will better know how to handle the situation if there is another meeting .. space is good I think but when you don’t understand it’s hard to disconnect

[@DreamwalkerFilms]

I hate the comments on these videos. It always just turns into a free-for-all assault on how terrible of people all DAs are and how they should be avoided like sickness. Here's my contrary opinion: everyone deserves to be loved by someone who wants to understand them. People with handicaps are just as worthy of being loved as anyone. Yes, I am trying to get MY avoidant back. She is a wonderful, full-hearted person with a disability founded by trauma and fear. I'm enough of a man to identify that, and be willing and accepting of the challenges it may bring to open the heart of a beautiful soul who wants to be better. Choose love.

[@victorfred1992]

Honestly why even Bother. It's Better to find someone who makes it easier to have a connection.

[@sittowardi6781]

Why would anyone ruin their lives and waste another precious day trying to re-attract an avoidant ex? Jesus help them.

[@wambuialice957]

cheering your show from Norway. new subscriber

[@DominickM.]

Coach court is s good dude!

[@IamCoachCourt]

Good talking brother. Until next time 🙏🏾

[@bensen7075]

Hi coach, my DA broke up with me a month ago and I've been so hurt, I feel like I need proper closure. Please respond 😔. I wish I could afford a coaching session. So we had a fight and he withdrew, I couldn't take it and ended up saying he makes me want to cheat(I still feel bad). That was it. He completely switched off his emotions and it felt like I was begging a wall. I just went no contact after a week . He started to stalk me last week and he reached out to me. We had a talk today and he sounded so cold and distant, he said he left cause he didn't wanna hurt himself. I wonder how he has such an ability to turn off emotions when we were so madly in love. It was a 10 month relationship btw. He also seemed angry at me for going no contact, said it's too late to sort things out. I'm in shatters right now, I want him from the core of my heart. He said he loves me but he feels better off alone. We bade each other farewell, with him still sounding angry and cold. He said he couldn't forgive me. Should I go no contact again, and what are the steps I should take? I'm a fearful avoidant btw😔

[@tequilabumbum4373]

Hey I hope you feel better by now. Im not a coach, but Im an FA, and my last bf was DA so I can give you some advice. I understand you might love him, but DAs are so hard to deal with, that I dont know if its worth it honestly... if they are not willing to work on themselves, its hard that it will go anywhere. Im telling you think from experience, I was going back and forth with my guy for 2years. Its always the same, Im always the one loosing the battle at the end. Please take care of your soul ❤️

[@bellabong8862]

I agree with Smrda Mudic's advice 100%. It was 3 yrs for me of anxious pain. I'm FA as well. I still think of him but I know nothing would be different if we got back together, and I'd soon want to break up with him again out of frustration and hurt from his not wanting to move the relationship forward. He is attached to me, but won't commit. Well, never again. I have to focus now on becoming secure myself and only being with another secure partner who is dying to marry me and makes no bones about it.

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

Honey, I’m 3 years in. Supposed to move i. Together this tuesday and he broke up with me, and told me he didnT even think I was attractive… it’s not worth it. I know you feel hurt but as an FA you are “addicted” to this and just… don’t become like me. If they don’t work on themselves it’s never going to change.

[@quickklap2112]

I know this is hard. I felt the exact same need for closure when my ex broke up with med. I would recommend Matthew Hussey for you. Closure is so overrated. “Disinterest is closure” and “if someone doesnt want you, that is closure” Stay strong!

[@tracisayhi]

One way I know that he doesn't love me is that when he comes home in a bad mood, seeing me doesn't change it. He cannot separate me from his bad mood.

[@phoenixrising8007]

Interesting, You have to start back at square one ☝️ Clean slate If You can’t pick up where ya left off how do you address the issues that caused the distance between you in the first place? 🧐

[@IamCoachCourt]

Yes. You can bring up the issues once they you sense that they feel safe with you again. I’ve even seen DA’s bring up the issues first

[@shaldass4964]

What is the sense in trying to understand why they are the way they are when they make absolutely nnnooooo attempt to remotely see why they are the way they are, to acknowledge their DA traits and how it affects the dynamics of the relationship...ugh i have been wondering if it is even worth it.

[@mollysfamily914]

God this is SO FUCKING ENLIGHTENING!!!!!! King. Bless. You.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Bless You Molly

[@seangilshannon8939]

Thank you. My wife (soon to be Ex) is the poster child of DA. I'm not not quite the poster child of Anxious, but I'm in that bucket. 30 years of marriage and 3 kids. I really want to do a de-coupling therapy so tat we can be at peace with each other. She refuses to do a thing. I get that DA's are the last to go there. What might encourage her to own her side and be a good person?

[@seangilshannon8939]

Everyone I've talked to says "Nothing". Accept is and try to move on.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Unfortunately if she’s not willing to even attempt to meet you in the middle, it’s an impossible task

[@kimmichaud4064]

Don't bother it's a neverending cycle even if you reatract them they run again it just goes on forever with no end in sight

[@jorgemariscal8804]

That was awsome!!!

[@terencehennegan1439]

Great video 👍

[@IamCoachCourt]

Thank you. Please subscribe to the channel if you’re not 🙏🏾

[@emmanuelzagadat1788]

Hey coach I really feel that some ex's who are DA low key enjoy the power when their ex's reach out to them. That's what they're used to. Isn't it much better to allow the ex with DA to come to you at their own pace/time, instead of reaching out first?

[@laluna424]

I always feel that all DA'S are low key, power n control hungry. What do u think?

[@anapetela3509]

@@laluna424 I'm a DA female. Honestly, it's not about control. On the contrary, if I sense that you're easily manipulated (controlled) it's a sign of weakness. I'd rather end the relationship than manipulate/control the person.

[@YesPlease1]

@@anapetela3509 It's different for everyone. I dated a female DA who had no problem manipulating out interactions within the relationship. I sensed that she got off on it. There was a lot of evidence by the way she lived that she's driven by power, money, status, image rather than genuine human connection. I stuck around long enough to give her a chance to warmed up by my kindness and generosity and efforts to create genuine human connection, and show that she was capable of it herself, but she remained calculating, distant, and manipulative throughout. She didn't treat me to a single date. The relationship ended when she broke an agreement we made and jeopardized my health, and wouldn't accept responsibility for it when I confronted her about it. My experience is that DA is an insecure attachment style that will sabotage their relationships unintentionally (or intentionally) until they do the work to become secure.

[@adoptioncorner1984]

@@anapetela3509 is that fair? Why does it have to be weakness why can't it be being nice and trying to show the DA your feelings 😔

[@jamesgraves9858]

Yeah they love having the power. Ask them and they'll deny it but it gradually suffocates you into servitude

[@inhop2443]

Half this comment section shouldnt be dating _anybody_

[@IamCoachCourt]

Hahaha

[@moonstar1126]

great turtle 🐢 analogy especially when dealing with avoidant species 😂

[@cfnaround1585]

I still want her back because of the love she showed me when she was able, when I wasn’t pushing her away

[@beverlygarcia6475]

I left my avoidant I love him because he wasn't being truthful on certain things that I would ask him so if you were the one to initiate the breakup what do you do do you have to be the one to reach out even though that what they did was wrong I have been gone no contact for some almost 4 weeks now

[@babyj6711]

seeing comments saying to leave the DA makes me sad. I have a baby with a DA and I don’t want to give up. I just found out about attachment styles and it has helped so much. I’m doing more research because I want to know how to ease into my DA understanding that he is DA

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

Ha,ha,ha good luck! 😂🤣😂🤣

[@zackedward9956]

My gf broke up with me because I was saying some weird stuff to her, like you are not a priority and gym is a priority. I was not giving her too much time recently for the last 4 months, telling her that I was moving out and then She decided to end it, and now I regret everything. I want to do whatever it takes to make her happy and get her back. She was deeply in love with me ONE of my biggest mistakes was she wanted to meet my parents and I did not let that happen for 4 years I have never been loved by someone like her. advice what to do

[@Tj-dd9ws]

Love your advice ♥️

[@durian1345]

Yes back away so far you can’t contact them anymore 😊

[@lunasmama84]

My husband (a dismissive-avoidant) and I have been together for most of 13 years. This past year he had gone into his turtle shell after losing his favorite job, and as usual I allowed him to have his space. After almost exactly a year of him hiding in his shell, he had an emotional affair (he ended it after two weeks). We are still together and working through our issues, I want to stay together, we have a family and we love each other, I would love more advice on keeping him attracted and interested without letting him go so far that he strays... I don't think he will again, after almost losing me this time, I would be shocked, although I was incredibly shocked that it happened in the first place.

[@dillonmason4503]

All the comments I find just so selfish (DA not worth it, I need what's best for me, me, me). I also had the displeasure of being wooed dismissive attachment. She kind of led me on then pulled back hard. At first I thought she was just an awful heartless person. But after learning about MBTI Personalities (she's infj) and now attachment styles I can safely say with confidence I won't be put off by her behavior but I want to be there for her as a friend. I won't try to change her, I just want to alieve her pain now because I know what it's like being an anxious-style (INFP).

[@chickletmonstah]

I’m in the same boat but I’m an FA (infp) leaning anxious with her (DA, infj) I think this may help with dealing with your dynamics. Been binge watching the DA stuff. Also, it’ll help if you can also work on being secure. All the best. kzbin.info/www/bejne/apCaq6uInq2kac0

[@warwicknewman9192]

Love the video coach court all the way from Australia.

[@IamCoachCourt]

warwick newman 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾Thank you Warwick! Greetings

[@swapnasapien.7347]

I was dating a DA and he went cold when I tried to be close with him. Then I went into no contact. After around 2 weeks, he called me all on a sudden at night. He told me he remembered me after getting drunk. we had a casual talk. After that he is again silent. I m hoping that I would be able to get back. But this situation really sucks.

[@teresaolofson8059]

isnt it unhealthy to be involved with a dismissive avoidant? shouldn't we be with people who are available and dont avoid you and dismiss you?

[@IamCoachCourt]

That’s a really simplistic question. There are really good qualities that come along with avoidants

[@sassygal4727]

Agreed

[@fbbWaddell]

What if he stopped responding but didn't break up with u? I sent him birthday texts and a picture. Then, waited 4 days and sent him a message that i'm here when he wants to reach out. After zero response for nearly a month, he responded. Thanked me for the birthday messages and picture, told me he was having a hard time right now and apologized. My dad told me he was being polite, tell him to let me know when he wants to talk and leave him alone.but i think there is more to it than that. Should i wait a couple months to reach out or wait a few days and ask him how he's doing.

[@sriramprarmy]

How do I make her regret loosing me? People say success is the best revenge and People will miss you when you are looking good and doing good! Is this true?

[@joewk2660]

My Avoidant ex called me after almost a year of break up. She wondered why I had moved on so quickly to marry another woman.

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

😂🤣😂🤣😂

[@kategillette9791]

I am dating an avoidant things were going so well then he said he needed a breather . It’s been a month and he hasn’t reached out but he has responded to all of my texts and they were only holiday texts. Do I continue to pull away and give him space?

[@reesespieces450]

So if you an AP got anxious with the distance/dissmissiveness then ended it with the DA but regret as after you got to understand their attachment style can you reach out straight away as you ended things or still got to wait?

[@Katrica670]

@Net Net I wonder. 🤔

[@reesespieces450]

@@Katrica670lol well.. I didn't wait. I reached out and they responded straight away. Now we are back and things are flowing :)) so just reach out girl (maybe not valentines day though)?? Lol

[@steel128]

If you did the breaking up, it's your job to reach out. But with a DA, if they did the breaking up, it's still pretty much your job to reach out haha, but in this case months later

[@DenerWerb]

@@reesespieces450 was your DA a male or female?

[@reesespieces450]

@@DenerWerb hey male

[@LovingMe732]

I really would love for things. To go further with my DA. But he pulled away from me again. Slowly getting communication back. But this is mentally draining. It’s sad loving someone. While carrying the fear. That a DA will not allow you. To fully express and shower them with love. Because of their tendency to take flight.

[@christinadehaut5310]

Thank You coach ! 🌟🌸🎉

[@IamCoachCourt]

You’re welcome!

[@stephenmiller3256]

In a sense......is this a different way of healing from a person who is stonewalling you?