Why The Dismissive Avoidant 'Ghosts' Others | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video I'll talk about the dismissive avoidant, and why they might 'ghost' people.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@sshuteandrew]

Unless your DA partner is self-aware and doing the work, be prepared for a world of emotional abuse. That’s how they operate.

[@ambivalent5842]

If they " abuse " then it is the other person's responsibility to accept it or not...are we not here to learn?

[@leahsamaniego4507]

Clearly you didn’t watch the video 🙄

[@drsaarahnisajuman9135]

this is true. silent treatment, shutting down, withdrawing, ignoring messages knowing you are upset/hurt, it is way to take your power away and control and it is silent treatment emotional abuse. ghosting is unacceptable in a committed relationship a form of disrespect and is emotional abuse. it induces a trauma bond and coddling, making allowances and explanations for their behaviour reinforces it. if they are self aware they should be working towards secure. research shows the first 6 months of a relationship you will see signs of emotional abuse,, the next 6 months it escalates and if nothing changes by 1 1/2 years into the relationship (by you changing your approach and a reasonable person usually changes their reaction) then it is a cycle of how the relationship will always be. it is destructive to the other partner's self esteem and a lot of DAs are covert narcissists.

[@LionionKR]

@@leahsamaniego4507 No one has the responsibility to babysit yall destroying relationship after relationship.

[@zlinqx]

​​​​@@LionionKRYou sound hella bitter dude. She never even said she was avoidant. If you can't deal with avoidant behavioral patterns, stop seeking them out. It's not their fault they are that way, just like it's not anxious people's fault that they are the way they are. In order to get into these toxic loops it takes two insecure people enabling each other. Getting into a relationship where neither can comfortably meet the other's needs. It's on both people. Either do the work until you are secure enough to give it a shot without being resentful, or (easier option); find someone closer to you on the spectrum. Simple as that. No need to shit on all avoidants

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

Please don’t ghost; if you are overwhelmed just say so. Anxious people tend to spiral by the confusion and then that pushes the DA away further. But they don’t understand how hurtful and painful it is to do so. Even just in friendships

[@tammytaylor6239]

@@haihai5293 😢

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

Am there at the moment in a friendship. One day they said they don't want to blow off the friendship and they want to make a concious effort to check in a little more often, the next... is ghosting for 3+ weeks now, no matter what I try. I came to understand it's not about me and does not even mean they don't love me anymore in a friendship way but that I maybe just came too close, but that doesn't reduce the pain. Still hoping they come back, even though I probably shouldn't put anything on that. It's been a year since you commented, so I hope you could get closure and have healed by now. All the best to you and thank you for not making me feel as akward, because I saw there are other people just putting a lot of feelings into a non-romantic relationship.

[@isabelkloberdanz6329]

To be fair an AP spiraling is not the responsibility of the DA. It’s their problem that they’re that obsessive. It’s no one else’s responsibility to coddle an anxiously attached adult who thinks and acts like a child.

[@nitacollins3645]

@@isabelkloberdanz6329 Did you not see the part about it being painful to be ghosted. How do you react when in pain?cold as ice? every single person acts like a child. Youre right though its not to responsibility of the DA to care about the craziness they cause in other people.

[@stevensantora2976]

Exactly, I couldn't agree more.

[@bellybabe17]

I believe more times than not many of us know certain relationships are not for us and we can’t love someone into their growth. It’s going to happen on their own time and we don’t have to wait for it. I’ve also found that the best closure comes from a meeting with self rather than the other person. Rarely are other’s actions personal.

[@khanf7085]

Wow, insightful and deep

[@PennyJackson123]

Very well said.

[@Xxsimply.catgrassxX]

@StyledByMel I love this and totally agree. Thank you for sharing. In the past I struggled to not take things personally and now I understand how much authoritarian parenting violated that natural growth pattern. My understanding now is reframed by this: Guilt and shame are not helpful for living authentically. I can deepen into the wisdom of healthy detachment and only I can give myself closure.

[@akuasalaam490]

My goodness... Well said...

[@jellyrcw12]

"I believe more times than not many of us know certain relationships are not for us and we can’t love someone into their growth." WOW I clicked on this video and your comment was the very first one I saw and it's SO true!!

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Just to add one more thing, Matthew Hussey says it best: "You have your reasons, but I have my reality [experience]. And what *I'M* interested in is my reality [experience]." In other words, who GAF about the DA's reasons. Being constantly dismissed, invalidated, and used is a reality I don't have time for.

[@GirlPower342]

Interesting. Have you used this with a DA? If so what was their response?? Thx

[@onnol917]

@@GirlPower342 they shut down because they feel like they can't match up to the needs of others or are overwhelmed by the confrontation

[@howtosober]

As far as I can see, the only real relationship match for a DA is another DA. Then they can avoid each other together, spend their time independently scrolling their phones in the same room, admire how independent their partner is, never feel any vulnerability or lack of 'space,' and center their all conversations around agreeing on how nobody else is 'together' enough. Then, when they lose interest, they can ghost each other and neither of them will care. Being with an unhealed DA if you're anything else is an absolutely futile endeavor. I'm glad channels like PDS provide compassionate content for the ones that are genuinely committed to healing and showing up better in relationships. Most DAs self-identify as secure and just judge everyone else. Getting to the point of at least acknowledging there's a problem is rare.

[@AngelofHogwarts]

I mean where's the lie at? lol.

[@zoezen8580]

This was absolutely brilliant. Been dealing with the ex DA for too long now and that comical image has brightened my day. I have too much self worth to keep going around this merry-go-round. If I hadn’t done the work in myself, I’d probably be in a corner somewhere rocking 😂. Enough is enough. You can’t love someone enough to make them emotionally healthy. Thank for making me laugh OUT LOUD. God bless you xx

[@linomolina7855]

Simple answer, lock em' up in a mental health facility. Problem solved. Society has no obligation to put up with their being a coward, and cowards should never be respected. 💪🏽🤌🏽🤘🏽

[@jillwalden7347]

@@linomolina7855Coward is exactly right.

[@marinajones2309]

Spot on ! I agree. That sounds like a match made in heaven. As a partner of a DA - if they don't want to do the work - walk away. There is no other way.

[@selenadiaz2665]

I never know when they are ghosting or if they are just deactivating... Ghosting to me is permanent. When they deactivate...they come back. That is what leaves even a secure...anxious

[@seemu2927]

Think thats called zombying - when they go but come back

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Yeah, from now on I'm just going with the assumption that if they disappear they're not coming back and cutting my losses. If they show up again I just tell them they missed their chance. It's not my problem they have unhealed attachment trauma. They can go fix that shit with someone else.

[@warmhart2034]

So true...

[@85Pesticat]

@@Revolution-tl5wo yesss hahaha. I actually think I am quite secure. I have a lot of secure and open behaviours in relationships. I'm used to partners being similar. So... All I wanted was the actual reason. Ironically, people close to me know I'm really good with self-criticism... So if he'd brought that, I'd have known, and moved on. Ffs. 🤣 I'm glad Thais explains this. But what an absolute waste of time a DA is. It's ridiculous.

[@claudiagurke6954]

I know. I’m very confused and even when I tell him you ghosted me, he says no. So I never know how long is “ghosted”

[@vp5134]

@Thais why should we wish the DA all the best when we're ourselves badly hurt by their behaviour? And why tell them we're not upset when ghosting to us feels like profound disrespect?

[@BGivka]

Yes!!! What's worse than being treated like that, is not realizing WHY OR WHAT is going on.. being ghosted, without warning, is brutal and painful..

[@isabellenadeau6668]

In these situations, I have decided to focus on myself...and honnestly, his distance had helped me become more secure with time. I'm working on not taking his behaviour personal and sharing my thoughts, feelings and needs in the simplest way once he comes back. I'm learning and that's what's important...not so much the outcome. Feeling more and more in control of my life and my state of beeing...tous my hapiness.

[@sushisam3010]

​@@isabellenadeau6668Are you still in a relationship with the DA?

[@Awakened.for.good1967]

Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is a constant one step up and two steps back.

[@razvanyke]

Give him/her space and show compassion and it will only be steps up, guaranteed.

[@Awakened.for.good1967]

@@razvanyke For over a year that's what I did, I gave her all the room in the world, when we were together on a date or hanging out it was bliss, we never had a bad moment. The better time we had the longer in between we would see each other (sometimes weeks at a time) but I would just let her be and let her come to me when she was ready. Finally she broke up with me because we were "getting too serious". I've never been broken up with after never having one uncomfortable moment together.

[@razvanyke]

@@Awakened.for.good1967 Hi Todd, sorry for that, it does sound painful especially when things go well then this. After doing this story for one year, I find it hard to believe that "getting serious" was out of the way, your best bet is to wish her the best and not follow up. If she is a DA, will regret leaving something good and will get back to you with breadcrumbs, if she was simply not mature/interested will respect you more for holding up for yourself.

[@parkerdixon3028]

todd borden I’m in the same boat as you ... anyone reading this please if you are involved with a dismissive avoidant , run

[@razvanyke]

@@parkerdixon3028 could not agree more, as a DA I say that if you are with a FA, run.

[@DD-jb1lq]

So they are basically selfish, inconsiderate and highly self focused humans...this is helpful to learn how to spot them and avoid them maybe. But it's difficult in friendships to manage people like this.

[@colinc5531]

This is too much work smh...dealing with a DA...geesh, send these type of ppl to a clinic for some help....its like pandering to a grown ass adult....get some help to deal with ur emotions...if not , all DAs should stay single and stop dragging these poor souls into ur abyss of hell smhh....

[@abundanceflow7042]

Agreed

[@thelovely1553]

Exactly

[@JoeTheBroken]

As a DA myself Im happy to stay single.. relationships are evil

[@toscadonna]

They’re evil, spoilt brat monsters who live their whole lives thinking of themselves only. Nobody needs to understand them. We just need to shun them and shut the door forever when they pull their selfish nonsense. If everyone shut the door on them every time they pulled this wicked ghosting crap, they’d be forced to either stay alone or look inwards. Leave them alone as soon as they ghost you. Let the dead sleep in the graves they dug for themselves.

[@KayWeezy]

Please no negative comments on people who have experienced trauma(s) in their lives that you may know nothing about. Please try to understand DAs are people who likely don't know what their actions are doing or why they are doing them. Positive vibes only please and thank you!

[@toscadonna]

Kevin I’ve experienced so much trauma in my life, and I’d still never treat someone like these jerks do. Positive vibes are bullshit. You’re negative by trying to shut me up. But you don’t care, do you? You just feel sorry for the abusers.

[@KayWeezy]

@@toscadonna I'm sorry that you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life. That hurts my heart to read that and I wish you peace and love. I'm not trying to shut you up and I am sorry if I came off that way. I'm politely asking for understanding that issues within DAs and people in general are not all black and white. That while a DA or someone in general has hurt you, has traumatized you, doesn't mean it's okay to repeatedly bad mouth a group of people and lump everyone together. The comments you've posted on here have been really negative towards DAs and have been extremely hurtful to us, especially those on their journeys to better themselves and stop the bad behaviors that are subconsciously ingrained within us. Many of us come to these videos to continue our journey and break down those walls we've put up to protect us so that we aren't hurting people like we have in the past. Is every DA at the point of improving themselves? No. That still doesn't give one the right to eviscerate someone who we know has the issues DAs have, the lack of awareness that they have them, and the inability to correct them without assistance. I feel sorry for individuals who do bad things with no awareness that they're doing it BUT truly want to work on themselves. I do care. I care more than you know.

[@Pr_20]

As an AP leaning secure I put my reality before my feelings first. If I get ghosted it’s more their issues than mine. It’s a sign you got away instead of getting into something they will never show up for. I get on with my goals in life because that’s more important

[@ceecee328]

An an AP learning & approaching becoming secure, I’m guessing it’s easy for you to say this if you haven’t already fallen in love with the DA & invested every part of you for over 2 years?

[@jillainenewman1358]

My avoidant ghosted me six weeks ago. The pain is so intense I'm surprised it hasn't killed me.

[@sandrae2319]

I know the feeling, it hurts so much. Stay strong love

[@pvtruestmusic]

Same . We gone be ok tho

[@Abellephoto]

It leaves a whole in the stomach. It cuts the breath out me. I lose weight and I lose sleep. This is the second consecutive relationship where this has happened.

[@jillainenewman1358]

@@Abellephoto it's brutal, isn't it? I can't imagine the lack of conscience that allows someone to ghost in a relationship.

[@Abellephoto]

@@jillainenewman1358 : It is brutal and leaves you with not only mourning, but self-esteem and self-doubt issues. This is the second time it happens this decade. I went 5 years before embarking on this relationship. And this time, it wasn't until 2 years in that signs of this showed up. So I had no clue. I must be attracting this to myself. Life is so short. I wish I'd seen it earlier.

[@nicolegiles1034]

I can’t be in a relationship with people like that,I feel like I’m the parent it’s too much draining energy.

[@robertlopez6092]

People are inconsiderate. I lose faith in humanity every time.

[@EH_888]

In certain situations, it is likely better to employ an indefinite no-contact rule with your ex after you have been ghosted- especially if can be confirmed that they have not had a nervous breakdown, are in a coma, etc. Most people do not think highly of a person who walked out on them, in fact, the reverse of this is more often true. No one should have to fib in order to receive closure and wanting their input that badly places too much control in their hands. You can give yourself closure by MOVING ON. It will burn for a while, but you will pull through. Time will make sure of that. It's almost never fruitful to contact one who who has ghosted you. You'll often not get the closure that you seek, and, in addition to that, you may be met with criticism or a narrative that projects you to be the enemy. Save yourself the heartache, employ indefinite no-contact, seek therapy if needed to cope with the pain, and accept that bo answer that they give would be good enough to quell your heartache. You'll likely have to be the source of validation for yourself.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Agreed! Someone who doesn’t respect you enough to not ghost you won’t respect you enough to give you any answers. I’d rather disappear completely and let them fester in their own karma. And if they ever contact me again, I still have my dignity in tact and they’ll never hear from me again.

[@andrewvo8395]

You don’t need to reach out to the DA for closure. Do you noticed that you got ghosted? THAT is your closure. If they wanted to reach out to you out of respect, they would have. Please don’t open up old scars.

[@nitacollins3645]

No by all means do! They need confrontation to grow as human beings. Lets not coddle the DAs but help them learn whats a propper way to treat others.

[@fbbWaddell]

I do need closure. I actually need to be told that u r not coming back. My dad would leave and not reach out fpr years at a time and then pop in and hang out and disappear again. I have been wired from childhood to wait for people to come back. I need to be told that ur gone for good.

[@stormvet3806]

The best thing to do is get the hell away from them before they drive you insane. I ended up in therapy after a two-year DA relationship then a terrible breakup. Confusion and emotional pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[@MTG9878]

3 times in 6 years always every 2 years between January- April. I honestly think she scared herself by asking me a question about marriage less than a month later. We had a blowout and done! Blocked ghosted.

[@bill8425]

Wonderful relationship while it lasted, but the the breakup was worst experience of my life. No discussion, no explanation, ghosting and cold as ice.

[@daniellegage9888]

Last time my DA disappeared, I sent him a message similar to the script in this video. He responded quickly saying that he didn't want to let me go. I stayed, now here we are 3 months later and he has done it again, I am sending another message like the one before, not holding my breath because I can't go back when I am constantly scared he is gonna disappear without warning.

[@Whatevermancer]

How'd that go

[@mrreddington777]

Man just avoid these types of people. Life is already too difficult to have the patience to deal with someone with all of these issues. I’m not a life trainer and if they don’t get help for themselves professionally then don’t come calling.

[@catombomb3003]

How nice of her to say to be kind to us DAs in the comment section :')

[@grayhalf1854]

DAs are the best! 😀

[@bradhoward2893]

The truth is DA's are crazy period. They aren't worth your time and will make you miserable for no reason. Find a mentally capable person that has the ability to actually love.

[@brennam954]

9/10 they will leave you anyway, so why bother.

[@emilycross8994]

I literally tried everything in the script BEFORE I saw this video and still got no response. Dating is DA is wildly, insanely frustrating, particularly for an FA.

[@Mia199603]

Dating an FA for a DA is frustrating and scary. There are two people in this relationship and both have fears, needs and feelings. DAs are so scared and scarred that they often choose to stop trying to fulfill their desires and dreams and that's just tragic, this isn't living. FAs just keep blaming DAs like their actions are not hurting them the most, for FAs everything is personal and everything is about them, they take up all of the space that DAs so desperately need to feel safe. This is making them retreat even more so I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here.

[@Mia199603]

And most importantly - DAs behaviors affect your dating life. FAs behaviors affect more aspects of life of DAs. For example an FA boss is a nightmare for a DA, extremely toxic relationship and their livelihood depends on it.

[@kangaroorider7688]

Had similar experience - also using those 3 parts mentioned in the script and receiving no answer. Funny enough, by chance I run into the person some 2 months later, had an actual conversation until... they ghosted me again :D At this point it's just ridiculous bordering on funny.

[@AceOfWands895]

@@Mia199603 I think FAs feel the same about DAs...that everything is personal and all about them. Thats what I felt about my DA until I found out about attachment styles. Thats when I opened my eyes and realized that we are all hurt people unintentionally hurting people. An exhausting cycle for both. In terms of the job, I feel as an FA I show up at work more as a dismissive. The FA is both AP and DA in a way. And at work there arent really any real triggers. I think I worked at a place once in my whole life where I was emotionally triggered in an anxious way. But all I did was write a very long emotional email and complained to HR.

[@lool1575]

as for a DA its hard to be with a FA...

[@GeorgideMarne]

I was a DA until recently and I haven't ghosted someone since I was 18 ! More than 20 years.. That's just immaturity.

[@underdawgtv4300]

Yay! Glad you overcame it🧚🏽‍♀️!!!

[@gabriellecjt]

Must admit, when I read your post, the first thing that came to mind is "that's a perfectly typical DA stance" 😂

[@1chienandalou]

Yes, I agree so much. This is not just DA. Ghosting is so immature, although I’ve experienced it from someone not long ago. 47 going on 17...

[@sarauniyaGH]

Congratulations! How were you able to overcome it??

[@NicoleLam]

wooo!!!!

[@soaringdavis8202]

Thias, I appreciate your videos, you are a wealth of wisdom & knowledge. Everyone wants to feel valued and affirmed, not just DA's. How can it be expected of the confused, bewildered ghostee to affirm someone who has (seemingly) treated them as so easily expendable? The point in the script where the ghostee is to say "I'm not upset" usually is not true. It's usually disingenuous & it invalidates the feelings most associated with being ghosted for the majority of people who use that term. In most people's pain, saying I enjoyed the interaction requires a level of maturity & human respect that even the DA themselves seems to lack- hence the act of ghosting. The admiration to say "I think highly of you", may have been the case, for most however, that tends to end immediately with the act of being ghosted by the human you once thought so highly of. Being ghosted leaves a person not knowing WHAT to feel- especially when they have made themselves vulnerable in the relationship, that is why ghosting is so confusing to most people. Also in reality, you would be hard pressed to find a person who has been treated as such, willing to train the ghoster with such gracious parting words like "this is what I need/ or would like from you." If the DA ghoster cared about the needs of the other party to the level that you are expressing in the script, the DA would not have ghosted. I laughed at your script because it read exactly like my last text. I indeed enjoyed our time together and think highly of him as he often expressed he did up to the disappearence. I didn't need a response- however, correct me if I'm wrong- I'm hearing you say, this is why they do what they do. All the other attachment styles need to bypass their own trama- including the reinforced trama of the ghoster and mature up to this point if they want closure? Please help me understand. It is coming across as learning how to navigate in the DA's world instead of allowing the DA to move on, calling them to as high a level of personal responsibility as they often expect from others. Wouldn't the ghostee's time be better spent working on building a healed & healthy self?

[@elle381]

I wish I could hit like more than once. I was unable to articulate how the script made me feel and I assumed it was my AP tendencies just flaring up again. Beautifully said.

[@enarcmcfly]

That's what's coming up for me. I am indeed not upset that it isn't a good fit. But my opinion of someone after they ghosted me... is not good. This is the second time! We had an agreement about not doing this again when we reconnected and I only extended that grace bc I'm willing to buy the "extenuating circumstances" story exactly once... So yeah. Regardless of how hard and scary life is for the DA, there comes a certain point where they need to be aware and appreciate how much someone is holding space for their needs and reciprocate by considering seriously the most minimal of requests within the relationship... Especially when it comes to how it ends. God knows I heard the stories of how they'd been wronged enough times to know that THEY KNOW this isn't okay

[@SK-no2pp]

enarcmcfly it’s all about their needs and wants. They can’t see beyond themselves and their fear

[@prismismmusic]

I don't think the scripts are intended to be repeated verbatim - they are presented more as a collection of potential ideas you could make use of, designed to point people towards a more compassionate view of the situation and towards the kind of approaches that are most likely to be well received given the core wounds a DA-presenting person is likely to be contending with. In the end it comes down to what you hope to achieve through the communication in the first place. No one should ever compromise their authenticity to get to that point, so if saying "I'm not upset" is disingenuous for you, don't say it - even if they respond to that in the most ideal way, it will only breed resentment if you disrespect yourself by witholding your true expression and any 'resolution' will feel empty, because it's a connection to a false persona that isn't your authentic self. If your goal is to communicate to the DA everything they did wrong, how they hurt you and why you don't think they are deserving of grace or good will - go for it, just don't expect a response. You may be very correct and insightful to point those things out - but given their nature is it going to be helpful to be critical? It's important to have strong boundaries and show yourself respect through what you are willing to accept, but if the connection has no future are you really helping anyone to be vengeful? Is your resistance to approaching the situation with a kind of radical compassion coming from a place of wanting mutual growth & happiness for everyone, or because you want to settle a score? What do you lose by prioritising kindness, given that you are already going to move on away from this person? I think above all it's important to be very clear about what you want before making any kind of attempt at communication in this situation - clearly what you want is very different to the goals Thais is trying to help people achieve with this approach. I know very well how painful it can be to feel devalued & disrespected in relationship with a DA - they can act in service of their own inner turmoil to the point of creating pain and hurt in others, and it sucks. But do you want to let that pain control you and drop down to their level by acting in service of your own inner turmoil to breed further pain in them, or stay centred in yourself and close out the situation by representing the kind of integrity & compassion that defines a healthy connection to you? I agree that it's not good to coddle them and be an enabler for their dysfunction, but this isn't a game of tit-for-tat - and it's entirely possible that seeing someone leave with kindness and compassion, but still leave, may be the only way for the DA to begin to see that the problem was the result of their behaviour and not them being defective as a person. To be fair I don't think you're suggesting any kind of aggression, it seems like you have a very grounded, healthy & respectful perspective and your justifications make perfect sense. Unfortunately I think it's necessary to concede that you do have to navigate in the DA's world to some degree if your intent is to help them grow and heal, as you do with any other person, and the path to calling a DA to a higher level of personal responsibility is a difficult & complex procedure. Despite your very reasonable arguments, it's unlikely that firing them directly at a DA is going to be helpful for them. I hope you don't read this as being argumentative or combative in any way - I generally agree with you but I guess I'm just trying to challenge some of your ideas to tease out the angles you may not have in your perspective that could help join the dots for you. From my interpretation I think the blindspot you may have is that you have a very black-and-white view of the DA's intent & values (their behaviour indicates a lack of respect/maturity, they wouldn't ghost if they cared about the other person's needs, etc). The behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, but one of the biggest things I've learned from this channel is that the DA's good intent is often obscured by the ways they react to the competing needs problem they deal with internally. A DA can care deeply about someone from a place of authentic loving respect and want only the best for that person, and yet completely betray all of that because the act of feeling that loving connection is so threatening to their subconscious defense mechanisms that their good will is completely overridden by their need for 'safety'. It creates a cycle that seems like a horrible experience to embody, and it would seem that it is so painful that they learn to become emotionally numb to it, forming distorted perceptions of interpersonal connection that internally justify the ways they push others away. Empathising with that doesn't mean you have to tolerate the behaviour. But still you have the choice to see the wounded, loving person underneath the armor that just wants connection like everyone else, and extend some consideration and compassion to their unique struggle while still upholding your own boundaries and self-respect. So while it may seem like a bizarre, unwarranted reaction to be willing to extend admiration, grace and kindness to someone in this situation through the searing pain they have triggered within you, it's not necessarily supposed to make sense to you. They do not see the world as you do, and so the ideas that make sense to you may seem like another language to them. At the end of the day, you're responsible for your feelings and your happiness, and life is bigger than this one person who ghosted you - it's best to pursue whatever brings you peace and resolution, and sometimes that comes through unexpected means. I think this kind of radical compassion is worth trying, at the least - it's hard to know if it'll 'work' but you can't expect to change people, if you continue to feel so much resistance to the idea perhaps it's worth assessing what your expectations are.

[@soaringdavis8202]

@@prismismmusic I appreciate your point of view- it's what makes the world go around. YES INDEED, EVERYONE needs kindness. You can't make someone love you and why would anyone want to try & force that? That is a problem in itself. I practice showing people grace & respect whether I agree or not, however, taking up space in someone's life who is willing to create & hold space for them should be treated with respect also. Let's not pretend that ghosting is a "mildly" uncomfortable experience. Most ghostees are taken by surprise & seriously hurt. That is not the kindness you speak of. You acknowledged and DISMISSED with logic precisely my point, the pain in the comments, the pain in her other video comments caused by this mal-adapted coping strategy. Emotional Pain is not always purely logical- neither is infactuation, or love for that matter. The DA (NOT ALL- but in her examples) is self preserving, however in the infatuation stage are usually quite charming & pursue their person of interest. They don't behave logically for people who can't see past their own script & are prone to disconnect when vulnerability is triggered. How logical is it to pursue relationship & intimacy without vulnerability on both sides? DA's don't usually date or marry other DA's-because of their attatchment style, neither would play out the attachment part of their script- but they need that part to play out the trigger/disconnect part of their schema. At the point of being ghosted, the ghostee no doubt (in most cases) is also self preserving. The majority of them also having insecure attachment styles, mal-adaptive strategies & self work they need to do, will not feel like extending the affirming, non emotional stance Ms. Thias mentions. A person in pain would ask, "Where was my affirmation & kindness from the ghoster?" To speak to the idea of kindness, many HAVE said in the comments in several video comments, multiple times over, that they HAVE bypassed their own pain & confusion & tried to show the kindness you speak of (with no reciprocity) & have thereby created unknowingly a reinforcement of the DA's schema, which in some cases ended up played out multiple times- which is even more unhealthy/damaging than ghosting itself. Ms. Thias always says the majority of DA's who do this really don't mean to hurt the other person, (I actually believe that)-they just need non-judgmental clarity- but, disconnect & dismiss when someone assigns responsibly of the DA's action to the reaction of pain. Should one be emotionally intelligent enough to split the action from the person & say, "The action made me feel like this", in the DA's schema, they refuse to hear that also- (Depending on where they are on the DA spectrum) The script IDEA (in this video) is asking the average ghosted person who IS confused, hurt, angry or doesn't know what to feel to be inauthentic to self in order to hopefully get a last response/answer for closure- which in that case is attempted manipulation & more often than not doesn't guarantee a truthful response or a response at all. That also puts too much power in another person's hands for your own healing. You shouldn't put the responsibility of your healing into the hands of those who hurt you-whether it was intentional or not. That can cause more pain to said ghostee. You can seperate the person from their actions, genuinely forgive them, & move on w/o their participation. MOST (not all) ghostees don't hate their ghoster, they are just disappointed because the DID think highly of them. It is a public forum so mine is just one lowly opinion- there is a problem with normalizing ghosting regardless of attachment style- I just think it's sad to have such a casual attitude about it as if everybody is of THAT mindset or should be because they are. As you have aptly said, we ARE NOT all the same, we also don't process life the same way. True kindness would be for ALL attachment styles to RESPECTFULLY hold space for other human beings- (especially in relationships)- Ghosting does not promote that. So I asked Ms. Thias to further explain- others in the comments question this as well.

[@katharina1439]

Dear DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT🚩 If you wanna end it...Please copy and paste this text and send it to the person you are dating. There is NOTHING more damaging than ghosting a FA or AA! Ignorance hurts more than any words you can say. 😭 After a lot of contemplation I've come to the conclusion that it would be best if we don't see each other again. I'm very sorry if this hurts your feelings. That was never my intention. Please accept my decision and the fact that I don't wanna talk about it. You're a great person and I wish you all the best for the future.

[@user-yv1fh3fc8y]

minus ‘you’re a great person’ of your sample dear John letter if they played you like a fiddle.

[@AceOfWands895]

From the videos Ive learned its up to the FA and AA to learn to respond more securely by understanding its not about them and not to be attached to the outcome. All types of insecure attachers hurt people...not more than the others. In any given circumstance, both ppl are responsible for communication breakdown. Its up to each to own their part and work on themselves.

[@GTX260M]

Via a text!?? A text?? That's probably worse. Like, why even bother dating in the first place?

[@lmart16]

The FA in me questions that double space lol. The DA never wants to talk about anything. Never send this if you've been dating and you only just recently started having sex bc a girl won't "just accept" that decision.

[@howtosober]

I'm not a DA but that's actually a great script. I'd be like "Well... ok then." if I received that.

[@ashleycarucci]

I'm anxious attached and I'm fighting the urge to apologize to my DA for getting hurt when he broke up with me. The co-dependent thought patterns even after being dismissed is astounding.

[@sandrae2319]

Don’t do it! You will regret it, promise

[@austinnguyen9107]

Thais has pointed out in the past that if we're considering going back into a relationship where the other person gave up and isn't doing the work, then we have some healing to do as well.

[@JenniferSFrancisco]

Girrrrrl

[@taracheng7024]

if you really did something objectively hurtful, then i do not see an issue to apologize. But if you did not, and you suppose he was hurt, then i do not see any sense to apologize.

[@benf1111]

I hear you. I laid down boundaries and lovingly explained all the ways my DA ex's actions hurt people after she started breadcrumbing me With love yous after months of no contact ...and I have been sitting here wanting to sooth her pain even though she's ghosting after receiving said message. It's been eye opening in regards to my patterns.

[@QHG415]

I’m a strong DA in most of my relationships who has a tendency to ghost people (which I feel really bad about) and you explained the thought process perfectly. The fears simply take over the deeper I get into a friendship, usually happening as a result of not feeling like I can trust the person to meet my needs or truly care about me, even if I’m the one who inadvertently does this to myself by not expressing myself, my needs, and being myself in the first place. It’s like I’m anticipating a problem coming to a peak, yet I’m the one who always creates the problem through my own actions, and then I feel so much inner tension that I back out completely and ghost the people for weeks or even months. I’m in the process of working on it and I know I will overcome this attachment style. Thanks Thais :)

[@claracummings7959]

This but also when I do finally express needs which is terrifying to do and they are not met it reaffirms those beliefs of them not being able to meet the need or not caring about me. Very painful process.

[@QHG415]

@@claracummings7959 I absolutely agree with that . I strongly relate to that part as well.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

It actually is incredibly damaging so thank you for working in yourself x

[@corinnefisher166]

I wish my husband could/would read your comment Beautiful-you seem to be expressing yourself well- wishing you the best on your journey

[@happyonline2007xxx]

Curious...why do DA's chase others in the beginning and show interest though if they know their fears will come true eventually ?

[@NateThomas1000]

Dating a DA the last 6 months was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life. Yep… got ghosted

[@thepuffin-ss9ln]

Me too. After 5 yrs

[@pamk4117]

I said exactly that when my DA ghosted me (I enjoyed our time together, I know we are different but I thought we were good opposites, I would like to say goodbye) he responded with the angriest text! Said that my text was passive aggressive manipulative bs. What? Some people are wounded beyond reason...

[@letmeseemm]

Ha... that's exactly what he said. "I don't owe you anything" it was the most hurtful statement I'd ever heard from someone I was trying to love.

[@aurinkobay7118]

tech speaking he is right but then question of hurt comes into play.

[@letmeseemm]

@@aurinkobay7118 he was right and I decided I didn't want to be with someone that would be so hurtful and not offer an explanation for his actions

[@jessicapeng6212]

My ex said this exact same sentence in Chinese. This is just international.

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

So basically, trip all the wires early in the dating phase to filter out the DAs and find someone with a more healthy attachment style. Sweet, that's what I'm going with. No patience or time for being dismissed in relationships anymore. As for the script, it's great if all you did was date a few times, but it's not nearly enough for me after investing my whole self into a relationship for 1+ years where we lived together, shared pets, and then he just dipped. I'm resentful AF and not getting to express my real feelings so they have to deal with the consequences is just more emotional labor after already doing all the emotional labor. All I can say is I'm done with DAs.

[@Whatevermancer]

I hear that. I do think Thais' well-meaning 'everyone is different and hurt but healing' thing has its place and yet leaves even more of us invalidated, in the course of trying to validate the half-assed struggling of full-assed trauma survivors. It's getting very old in the AT world, being asked to empathize *only* and be welcoming *only* towards the people who literally won't stop treating you or anyone else like shit and drowning out AT communities with arguments and revealing just how illegitimate they think the experiences of others they impact are. Anyone thinking DAs and APs have equal interest, ownership or effort in healing their attachment trauma is from another planet. Measure it. We'll wait.

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

@@Whatevermancer Yeah, I stopped following this and other channels after I learned enough not to get involved with another DA again. I don't want advice on how to make it work. The DAs need to start putting the effort into their own damn relationships instead of expecting their partners to carry the load and then shitting all over them on their way out the door. Thais seems like a sweet and knowledgeable woman, but her brand of fawning and kowtowing to the poor little DA while taking crumbs in return is not for me.

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

@@Whatevermancer Just to add one more thing, Matthew Hussey says it best: "You have your reasons, but I have my reality [experience]. And what *I'M* interested in is my reality [experience]." In other words, who GAF about the DA's reasons. Being constantly dismissed, invalidated, and used is a reality I don't have time for.

[@riyajacob2909]

​@@Revolution-tl5wo,same ....ditto.Done with DA's.

[@donmartin6251]

These people are not worth our time. It's knowingly selfish and they never change. If they are that immature and disrespectful in how they act, then you're not losing anyone worth keeping.

[@jonathanberkley6626]

My relationship with a D.A. ended in December of 2019, it was abrupt and followed by uncompromised no-contact status since the break-up date. I miss and love her dearly, and wrestle still with my deep desire to simply know that she is safe, sound, and happy. - Jonathan

[@Ikaros23]

sjekk out the "Zeigarnik effect". The brain often think in " storys" and that a story has a logical end with closeure. But reality is that life is not straight line " logic". The impartant thing to know is that YOU are safe sound and healthy ( obsession of others is not healthy). This may sound dark, but we humans dont ever know the depths of others, and not even of our own personality and mind/feelings. Change is " natures nature", and it is important to just move on. This i meen literal. Moving your body and " walking" makes the emotions and the mind a new space to evolve. Give your self a date to how long you can ruminate on the past, and after that it is over. It`s ok to feel on pain and suffering and the past for a time, but after that its time to move on. You can only controll your self and never others. And you controll our your own mind and feelings is also to some extent limited, but it is 100% your responsibillity. Own it!

[@parkerdixon3028]

Exact same thing happened to me stay strong man

[@emmaleach9641]

Same thing happened to me too that's a final discard isn't it

[@taracheng7024]

she is totally fine (unless she has some serious health issues). focus on your own healing.

[@shanti888]

You are a kind and caring person….

[@Christian-v4c6d]

This attachment style in particular sounds like a lot of work.

[@robertl4824]

Any non-SA probably is.

[@rebeccacarraway480]

Oh it is…trust me…

[@LikeToWatch77]

Senpai noticed me!

[@DD-jb1lq]

Agree this one is the most difficult to keep happy or even just have a healthy relationship with.

[@austinnguyen9107]

Way more than just work, a true DA is the definition of toxic and emotionally manipulative relationship. Though if it's early on and their trauma wounds haven't been activated yet, then they're great to be with, but very superficial

[@nathalie5238]

Whatever someones attachment style is ghosting is just not done!!! What is so hard to tell someone: you’re a great person, I just don’t feel what I need/want to love forward, wising you the best?!? Ghosting is just immature, I had a DA of 50, being CEO ghosting me, really 😳I called him out in a mature way, not accusing though pointing out he should be adult! I don’t care about his past relationships, I am not all those people from his past. All people in this mindset go to self fulfilling prophecies. They fear something (often drama) and ghost... which does attract drama! Wake up guys!!! Man up you’ll see your fears are just in your head 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@KristineBette]

How did he respond when you called him out? Mine is also in his 50s, and has been ghosting me for a week right after saying he’d get back to me within the end of said week to arrange our fourth date.

[@valeriaamore4710]

The boy I was dating probably Avodiant ghosted me after few months of dating ,And ofcourse on the beggining he was so romantic ,passionate…but when I started showing my emotions a lot he started to pushing me away And we met 3 weeks after he ghosted only because I texted him wishes for Birthday And that I really want to know What happend.He literally told me being so nervous,not in nice way That he don’t feel this and he started screaming „You are not like a girlfriend ,you are like a friend!!!Not to romantic relation!!!” He was so cold and nasty😰 You can say in nice way that you don’t feel something and say sorry that you showed so much hope for relationship ,because he was not acting like a friend before so I think this is typical avodiant behaviour who is afraid of his emotions and committment.Ghosting And then saying something like that in really indelicate way is so sick in my opinion.

[@missjk00]

I just connected with a DA. We had a deeply intimate afternoon together and he said he's never felt that with anyone. I was like... yeah, it was pretty great. Then he ignores me for 10 days. I imagine he has a vulnerability hangover. As beautiful as our connection was, i have no tolerance for that behavior. I'm not about to have a conversation where i cater it to his sensitive, unaware ego. Instead i choose to write an open hearted letter, wishing him well. ❤

[@priscillarodrigues7599]

How did it go?

[@amymcclelland310]

The DA liked the chase, wants what he/she can't have as it feels safer. Until healed..the DA will only want you if you turn your back.

[@sade9425]

You’re doing a great work Thais. May your purpose and success continue to flourish greatly!

[@cellzuniverse2332]

I think I tripped her fear wire when I shared my boundaries and standards....

[@enarcmcfly]

Same

[@julivictoria4501]

@@Invisibility397 painfully true, in too many cases

[@jlgotera1]

hell i tripped too many of his "fear wires" apparently, but he always comes back.. I am open minded and happy to discuss why, what and how this makes you react this way, he didn't want to take that into account and value my prescence. not to just spill everything out, but just to have an open minded relationship to be friends first and not a relationship.its like he is scared of me..i can''t help you with what you want out of me, if you cannot basically communicate what you want out of yourself. wish them well!! they will appreciate it down the road :)

[@resueah7257]

@@Invisibility397 there's a huge difference, with some stark overlaps

[@wilbur111]

​@@Invisibility397 I dated an NPD for years, my DA felt healthy by contrast - she was just lovely to be with, whereas the NPD was horrendous. But it was just as painful when each left. I wanted my DA to be NPD so I could resent her and move on... but none of the NPD videos match her. The DA ones do. The two are different. Or maybe NPD is just much, much further along the scale.

[@robertl4824]

Not all people or DAs are the same! You need to be able to spot the ones that are willing to work and better themselves.

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 2:34

[@miathyra]

Thank you so much. I've followed this script and given them as much reassurance and control as possible but so many DAs have continued to leave me on read. I've dealt with this dynamic my whole life (I'm an FA) and I'm tired of wasting my tears on people who don't care. By the way, could you do this series on friendships and business relationships as well? And maybe family? 🙏

[@KayWeezy]

I'm sorry you've gone through such negative experiences with DAs. As a DA I can assure you if the ones in your life truly knew the manner in which they acted AND wanted to be better, they would so upset with themselves in how they treated you. I'm sorry and I wish you nothing but positivity going forward

[@isabellenadeau6668]

Oh they care...they just have a hard time expression it.

[@sakutaro3musik486]

Never let a DA into your life they will destroy you

[@antinea21]

in something like a relationship with DA now for two years, at first thought he was borderline, then narcissistic personality disorder, now DA due to Thais clarifications that have helped me a lot to understand him better and not judge him or criticise him in a negative way. She has helped me show understanding and compassion and look at him positively, unlike other youtube psychotherapists/ psychiatrists , and i now realise that he has been a projection of my inner hidden traumas and he has given me ,without being aware, an opportunity to work on myself and become more independent and stronger as i was the AP type. now i feel much better about myself so this relationship , whatever it leads to , has been a great schooling experience to evolve as a human being and i can only be grateful. thank you Thais for the greatly supporting and insightful videos!! i watch you every night! 🙏🙏😊😊😊

[@junebug9348]

Same I have learned so much about me through my DA.

[@robertl4824]

DAs often feel that a relationship is too much work, have low self esteem and have a lower ability to read the desire for closeness from their other. They need more obvious and more frequent signs that they are valued than SAs.

[@sansadrake4133]

Signs such as? I think the person who ghosted me may have been a DA. Not a 100%. He said he wanted to meet, i agreed (didnt set an actual date), i assume he wanted me to pick a place as he said he would come to my area. But then i didnt call or text for nearly three weeks regarding the meeting. But neither did he 😂😂. I finally reached out and he ignored all my calls n texts, even after i apologised and said i was busy. Who ignores someone after being so enthusiastic about meeting. I mean he brought it up, not me.

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@sansadrake4133 They have very low self esteem and they are insecure. If they feel rejected they will not move forward because it feels unsafe to them. Even if the rejection is all in their head. There’s nothing you can do to convince them they’re not being rejected. Don’t reach out anymore or they will take more space.

[@sansadrake4133]

@@FM-zg5hz oh i haven't its been three months😂. Maybe im wrong though because doesnt a DA start acting up only when the relationship progresses? As in when things start getting serious, but hes doing all of the weirdness before we've even met properly. And at the beginning they're meant to be really interested

[@sansadrake4133]

@@FM-zg5hz Yeah. Well hes the one who kept bringing up how he wants to settle down/get married etc, as in hes dating seriously. And hes usually the one who mentions us meeting up all the time, and i did agree to it, but then i kind of didnt say anything for a few weeks since i got busy or distracted. Maybe im coming across like im playing games or uninterested or something.

[@little_miss_muffet]

It feels so validating to see others say this, as this was my experience with my DA ex. At the time I was so confused and hurt to be told he felt perpetually “kept at arms length”, that our communication styles “misfired” off one another, and he often felt “like a rejected child whose mother doesn’t meet its needs”. I was absolutely craving affection and reassurance from him and he turned it around on me! WTF?! I had always been secure, but I left that relationship highly anxious. Never again.

[@toner8956]

I did this with a DA because I wanted him to see how much I cared for him, in the hopes that he will change his mind or make me feel better. A message like this is ONLY going to make you seem like a "cool girl" who isn't bothered by anything. Ghosting is one of the most commonly talked about (and frowned upon) concept in dating. Everyone knows better. The DA's should not be positively reinforced for ghosting...they should not receive special treatment. People of all attachment styles and issues HAVE to break out of their shell to date. We are are ALL putting ourselves out there when we go dating...some of us have to get rid of our body issues, social anxiety, etc. Since Anxious Preoccupied specifically attract DA's the most, and the AP is rejected and likely to feel the effects more...the emphasis should be for the AP to send a message to the DA to get closure. After all, the AP was dumped and is hurt MUCH MORE than the DA, and the dumper.

[@merricmellow4935]

I agree, the AP is the most hurt

[@vp5134]

I totally agree. It hurts badly

[@joeglenn9021]

Just cut them out of your life, ghosting is disrespectful and cowardly, avoidants do not deserve a special set of rules

[@konvict451]

Facts

[@nitacollins3645]

@@joeglenn9021 They dont realize it's going to hurt you. They're thinking of their own needs in the moment.

[@hopoutside]

Best for me not to say anything to DA I know since I do not believe they care. These labels don’t always apply...it’s an oversimplification, imo

[@uniquemind3838]

I dont agree to this final closure sentence...it is reinforcing of negative behaviour...and thanking the DA for being a coward and lacking integrity

[@emilycross8994]

I agree. We have the right to say “You really hurt me when you did that.” By not even saying hat it totally lets them off the hook for their insensitive behavior.

[@beesnaps1]

I’m thinking the same. I’m angry at the person who ghosted me (2wks today). How can I lie to myself and say I’m not mad at him for ghosting me? Does NOT make sense at all.

[@jlgotera1]

very well put.. exactly what i say to my DA everytime we break up.. if he will pay someone twice a week to discuss in depth about his da problems, why "ghost" or run away when I am here to tell you for free?!??!?!?

[@wilbur111]

What you're basically saying/showing to them is, "I can love you and treat you respectfully despite the pain your behaviour is causing me. Despite how I feel right now, I am being kind to you ... and I'm asking you to be the same". If you treat the negatively, then you're just being to them like they're being to you. They feel justified and you'll feel justified. But you'll both be feeling justified in being horrid to each other. Wouldn't you rather they were kind? Wouldn't you rather they were strong and were able to hold on to those memories of how much they loved just days before and that they treated you according to those feelings instead? Then you'll have to show them how.

[@wilbur111]

Also, what you're really trying to do is just get a closure conversation. You're trying to get them to feel safe enough to talk to you so you can get your needs fulfilled. It feels horrible to just be abandoned but a conversation will heal that. So you're kind to them, to show them how to be kind to you, so you can be kind to each other... and then part with a warmth inside you both.

[@MisuZama]

Thanks to the channel I feel I am moving slowly to being Secure from being a hopeless FA. I have battled with a DA and the change in my attachment style has actually been amazing for our dating. He is opening up and because I am not as unpredictable he is trusting me more and trusting our connection more. As the stronger partner in the relationship, I have allowed myself time to understand him, and it's changed how I see him. Thanks Thais

[@PennyJackson123]

Ndu25 I can relate. It is truly beautiful once you figure it out. I am so so so grateful for this channel. I worked on myself and that affected the entire dynamic for the both of us. He is trusting the process and becoming more secure in the relationship which is only paying off on both ends.

[@sakutaro3musik486]

So how did he fuck up? It always ends with the DA leaving

[@MrESPINOSA88]

DAs shouldn't date if they haven't work on themselves first( as per everyone, but specially them), they destroy people left and right without any repercussions.

[@soulburning2000]

Dismissivrs can leave you resting while they rebound to the next bed. Disgusting people...sorry my tturh.not sorry...while you cry for months....fthem

[@CommandoMaster]

So annoying/frustrating to deal with a DA. Ghosts u then maybe comes back like nothing happened.

[@johnkarl8921]

I've had 20 years of experience with a dismissive avoidant woman who also has covert narcissistic traits. I've tried everything to make things work including giving her all the space she wanted. It's been an extremely painful experience even affecting my physical and mental health . They alternate between pulling you in and pushing you away which in my opinion is emotional and mental abuse. Recently following a particularly infantile angry outburst after spending my day helping her I walked away. She sent a lame apology text saying she was tired that day. I ignored it as to accept such a lame apology is only condoning the behaviour. She has ghosted me for not replying. Why do these people expect special treatment? If they don't want relationships why lead us on. There should be remote islands for them to be happily far from people who seek meaningful relationships.

[@theo8261]

You can’t love a neuosis away. Do not wish to change them better for give them love cuz it’s not gonna happen. Healing happens only when they’re willing to associate with their own emotions and trauma.

[@Calbizzle]

I want to be nice but this sounds psychopathic. I’d rather someone be firm & kind, but honest when leaving the relationship. The whole thought process seems kinda weak. Not the kind of person you’d want to be in a relationship when the boat starts to go down a little in life. Conflict happens, there’s no need for there to be a shouting match. Just be considerate but firm. People can take it. Ghosting makes people’s mind wander too much. They are all about themselves though. I have no clue why they date or ask people out in the first place.

[@brennam954]

For the same reason they ghost. They're selfish and lack empathy. Barely a difference between them and NPDs.

[@ShaunBennetFauntleroy]

Thank you so much for asking people to be nice to us (DAs). Before I found PDS I watched a lot of other videos with counselors who talked about DAs so negatively that I just felt horrible and completely unlovable. Your kindness, positivity, and belief that we can improve is a breath of fresh air and really healing.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We're all at different stages in our healing jounrey and each attachment stytle has its own pros and cons. The more we learn why, the more we can empathize with others and decide if the relationship will work for us or not.- PDS team member

[@a.llewellyn]

I love this post.. I feel the same way and can relate soo much.. ahh thank you for sharing. ❤️ the more and more I learn about this, I can't believe how powerful and life changing this all is. I can remember when it clicked for me the first time.. like Holy Shit 🤯. I swear the world stood still for a moment . ❤️ Nice to hear I'm not alone and other people feel this way. Take care.

[@simmonsrenesha]

I'm curious how would a da react to this script?

[@ShaunBennetFauntleroy]

@@simmonsrenesha I can't say for sure because this is a hypothetical question, but I think I would respond very well to it. I generally respond very well when people are able to articulate their needs and boundaries without getting too emotional. And of course, I'm working towards healing and aware that I'm a DA, so another DA on a different place in the spectrum may react differently.

[@simmonsrenesha]

Thanks for your insight

[@ThePronounI]

See, I present very anxious or fearful avoidant (I hate being left on read, being ignored and being yo-yod) but I don't need a goodbye or explanation text when ghosting or being ghosted. The ghosting in itself is already clear enough communication. Ghosting = I don't want to talk to you and that's all I need. I make my own closure.

[@ThePronounI]

Also to be clear, I only ghost when fed up. Constantly leaving me on read then coming back a week or weeks later, repeatedly. At that point, I'm fed up. It's not my responsibility to tell you why it's hurting me, especially not when you're past 30. I'm not your mom and not your teacher. It might be an unhealthy mentality to treat someone with the same disrespect they treat you but at the end of the day it's the only thing that cures my anxiety and stops the yo-yo effect of trying to be in communication with a DA.

[@nathalie5238]

NVC is the best way to communicate whatever someone’s attachment. I did with a DA and he did reply within 5 min. I definitely cannot pick up a relationship back with someone who cannot communicate and ghost.... At least I hope he learned something for the next person he’ll connect with. Though tired of teaching people, need to find someone who can communicate.

[@DC-bp8sx]

What’s Nvc?

[@Dlovesyou1]

@@DC-bp8sx non violent communication

[@nvh682]

the burden of being super mindful/respectful about DA's behavior and them telling them "you are a great person but it is not a match" is always on our shoulders. We have to juggle everything, they do nothing. They simply do not care and then we should do the work for them. I don't get it.

[@dalinplaisier6791]

it usually literally is nothing personal, DA's just detach when they are not ready to be committed, to anyone. This is an automatic fear response

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Functionally, being with a DA feels absolutely no different as the partner (or ex-partner) than being with a pathological narcissist. Even though dismissive-avoidant attachment and narcissism are totally different things and motivated by different pathologies, the experience of them is almost exactly the same. Ultimately, it's not worth investing in either of them because of how utterly self-consumed they are. My relationship with my DA ex was dominated by his needs and competing against me to get his needs met over meeting mine. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. I worked so hard to cooperate and collaborate, and all he wanted was to compete. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.

[@Sharon490]

Not caring and not knowing how to show they care are two different things. When fear of something is overwhelming, it’s easier to shutdown. Particularly with people like ur self who then take it even more personally and resent doing what you can to help. Stop feeling entitled to a response and a working relationship with a da. Walk away urself if you need to. I’m an FA leaning heavily DA and most of my friends, exes, and my favorite sibling are all FAs leaning DA and DAs. I have one friend I would describe as secure and one who is definitely an AP but legit a lovely human who is married to one of my DA best friends. Every last one of them is a kind person who wants to do their best but struggles to communicate it at times. The people in my life I find the most emotionally exhausting are the two very heavily leaning AP FAs in my life. The constant need for validation and reassurance, the guilt tripping protest behaviors, etc… all of it makes me want to scream. I see their behavior as childish and immature and when I see the constant hate on DAs I feel automatically triggered in the same way. You guys don’t understand the level of entitlement you are showing that are driving away DAs. I’m not saying there aren’t assholes in every attachment style, but an attachment style isn’t connected to level of being a jerk. And most of the APs belittling all DAs are jerks for that and for not owning your own need for validation from external sources instead of within yourself. I’m not saying this without compassion because I lean heavily AP when I am struggling with outside stressors at a high level. But that feeling of ‘I am not enough’ and ‘I can’t trust him’ about a guy I’ve always known at my core would never purposely hurt me and had always been beyond protective of me, made me think, wait a second why am I suddenly thinking that? And led me on a journey to learning about attachment styles. I realized I was struggling with the fear of loss of abandonment due to being abandoned by my family during a very hard time currently and the thought of losing him too triggered my AP side. Except HE cannot be the sole source of my feeling of safety and wholeness. And thank goodness I’d been working on myself for years to the point when this guy came back I could recognize my own toxic thinking.

[@wave8867]

@@dalinplaisier6791 Everybody has fears, that doesn't mean a person lacks respect or empathy. It's so simple to just say: "Hey, I need my space right now and need time to focus on myself. Please understand." Ghosting is disgusting, it shows a lack of respect for the other person who was reaching out.

[@Soporificat]

@@Revolution-tl5wo Really interesting point. I was raised by an NPD, and then I married one. I no longer tolerate NPDs, and as I'm getting healthier myself I see that now I am attracting DAs, BUT it feels so similar.

[@warcraft13mage]

Anxiety will make you blame yourself and apologize for these people's shitty behavior. It's brutal

[@audreymeehan3235]

My DA ghosts after making plans to see me, after coming back after a year to explain his last ghosting and to tell me he really likes me. I guess he’s not ready for a relationship, I get that out of reading bt the lines on our 4 hour convo. 😭 I love him still. I feel like he’s my male counterpart but this is so rocky

[@robertl4824]

Have you told him this? If so and he isn't ready to work on himself move on.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

Unless he is willing to work with you please get out. I have empathy and compassion but when it starts to consume your life…. Sadly walk away

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@marziehmortezazadeh7827]

They are emotionally irresponsible !

[@BD-og3yb]

I'm honestly disappointed by this advice because there's a very high chance that no one actually feels this way after being ghosted by anyone - very few people are going to think highly of anyone who operates like a DA in relationships at the end of the day and very few will genuinely feel unbothered. I personally am more content to leave my unread messages (that they had said they were going to respond to) unread for an eternity instead of swooping in and doing their emotional labour for them - which has been their unfair expectation of me the entire time I've known them.

[@retrovelcro]

What a tough situation. I wish my ex DA could see past her own trauma just as I had done on my side. Easier said than done. But I was there totally ready to communicate and explained in full how I could meet her needs. Sigh.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

Ive done so much work on myself in the hope of reconciling

[@firstladyqueen5985]

Funny he is the one who initiated no secrets between us in the early days but then went to his secretive/hiding personality. Then over time I realised he is dismissive avoidant.

[@julivictoria4501]

Same here. glad u said it made me realize he did the same. 8yrs wasted

[@austinnguyen9107]

Only thinking about themselves and would rather hurt the one that cares about them the most than take accountability

[@85Pesticat]

I think that's what toxic people do. My DA kept telling me he'd never abandon me. I didn't ask him to say that, of course.

[@Dunitagin93]

Yes, you’ve explained the attachment style perfectly and it’s understood that these folks were victims at some point, however, understanding the reasons for someone just cutting you off is hardly justifiable in any case. Despite their issues they CONTINUE to visit pain and suffering by ghosting, making the other partner responsible for the outcome.

[@kakashifight6907]

They were not necessarily victims. It suffices that some genetic wiring in their brain got them to think they neglected. It’s all about perceptions of realities rather than the realities themselves.

[@caucasianafrican1435]

As a DA, I'd never ghost a girlfriend without at least saying what happened (i.e. Something scared the hell out of me.)

[@LollaSahar3402]

@caucasianafrican1435 I ended my relationship with my Da because of compromise etc since I broke up with him 3 months ago answers my stories on Instagram and texts me but always ghost me after why? I'm so confused!

[@melissavelazquez419]

These types of people are just evil.

[@nope-vx4in]

I would rather die than send something like this

[@alstonkendra9]

I am a dismissive avoidance type person to the T and phrase would definitely get me to open up or to reconsider. Thank you.

[@punkofmudd]

What if you send a similar message to a DA who instead took it as a threat and blocked you?

[@alstonkendra9]

@@punkofmudd Wait on them patiently because what ever you do is going to seem like your trying to maneuver or manipulate them. Give them time and space and speak kindly of them to everyone they know. And if you see them be friendly and approachable. Keep the conversation light.

[@punkofmudd]

@@alstonkendra9 thanks so much! Would it be okay to reach out and explain after a few months or just leave him be?

[@alstonkendra9]

@@punkofmudd leave him be I see you like him a lot. Work on building yourself up and becoming your best self. This will make your energy magnetic. It will make you more desirable to him. He will come back, but release your expectations of when he will come back. Good luck.

[@LollaSahar3402]

@alstonkendra9 Hey, why does my DA answers my Instagram story or text me and then ghost me why? I'm so confused.

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

Sorry but you keep saying “be nice to the DA”. For 2 years I have religiously watched your videos, listened (even kept notes on my phone of what he said) and put myself through so much pain because I believed in him. I saw growth and loved him so deeply, and he helped me to be a better person too. But now he turned around, told me he was “never in love with me”. This also literally came 5 days after confirming with him we were gonna move in together, and he wanted it so I went through a whole process to sign us up and then he just stabs me in the back and drops me like a disposable tissue. I feel worthless, my trust in people is shaken, and this person is just ripped away from me. And of course, everything is my fault. Hence, I feel like they just want someone to stomp on over and over again. Mind you we were getting secure and he was telling everyone how good our relationship was. And then he said he lied and “come on you should’ve known that”.. i guess I’m dumb for taking someone serious??

[@bella____________9690]

Completely agree with you. Thais’ videos are helpful but the relationship will never work since your DA partner isn’t working on themselves. Best to cut your losses and run the other way!

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

@@bella____________9690 thank you. I just feel so... disgusted?? If I am anything, it’s “nice to the DA”. But I feel constantly blamed for everything and only praised for things as a sidenote when shit hits the fan. It’s so hard because I do know where all this comes from, that he is in pain etc etc, but how the fuck can I count on someone that lies and then blames me for believing the lies? I thought that’s what trust is about? Also I have no idea what he means if you tell me “I love you, you’re amazing, bht I’m not IN LOVE” like seriously I feel so dumb because if there is attraction, friendship and deep love then isn’t that romantic love?? I’m seriously thinking I’m insane or something

[@rashiagrawal1426]

I have met amazing DA's. Eventhough your experience might be bad with one just don't take that in your future relationships ❤️

[@cameranserrano1263]

@@RainIsMakingARainbow I don't think DA's have the market cornered on being assholes. Sometimes an asshole is just an asshole no matter the attachment style. I'm dating a guy who is a DA and he couldn't be nicer to me

[@RainIsMakingARainbow]

@@rashiagrawal1426 I thought he was an amazing DA. But he clearly cannot see it himself or is punishing me for believing in him. I was getting secure and felt safe only to be betrayed like this. Then how am I ever going to trust again? He ruined my chances of ever being trusting.

[@AngelofHogwarts]

I haven't felt this kind of pain before. Got ghosted by my DA who I was talking to for 4+ months. Out of NOWHERE. We didn't have any fights or friction or issues. He just vanished and then orbited me by watching my stories...even after I told him that it's okay to be transparent and tell me that you don't see more than friendship in the cards for us. That straightforwardness would be completely okay and we'd continue to be on good terms as friends. But no reply to any of my follow-up texts or voice note. Initially I was concerned for his safety but when he started orbiting, I was thinking 'Bruv what the heck are you doing?! Why haven't you blocked me yet?'. Maybe he could resonate with my hurt and suffering but he sure didn't care enough or felt comfortable enough to even reach out to apologize and just bury the hatchet. It's EXCRUCIATING. I would wake up with my head spinning and when I went biking, I'd feel nauseous and want to vomit on the pavement when my thoughts would catch up to me and I'd realize that I was discarded like a toy -- abruptly and without a second thought. I'm an Anxious Preoccupied and this stuff effects me intensely. I invested emotion, time, and energy and held him in high regard. I was even okay w/ doing the heavy lifting on the emotional front and being the only one that was being emotionally transparent, available, and vulnerable and asking if we're on the same page, etc. But none of it seemed to matter. He just got up and left.

[@GTX260M]

In summary - screw DAs and FAs. Not worth the hustle, time. Focus on yourself to get a secure type

[@DRadhesive]

I wish I knew of this months ago, she’s a DA from what I have read. Engaged 6 months ago, I was so happy but she started to be awkward and starting to bicker. 3 months this went on for until the last month was on, off, on, off........then the split....devastated to be honest. I just didn’t understand, now after seeing these videos I think I do. On a personal note I’m looking into myself and realised I’m probably an AA.

[@manuelsanchezdeinigo3959]

Today marks exactly One year since me and my ex broke up. I was angry for awhile but I am thankful for the relationship because now I now about attachment styles. They need to make this a requirement in every grade: Kindergarten on up to PHD. This is cutting edge and I’m thankful to be learning. Excellent job Thais and all glory to YaHWeH YESHUA Elohim Amen 🙏

[@konvict451]

Why does everything have to be catered to the DA when they cause so much pain and soul crushing experiences? Now we have to tippy toe in the comment section just like we do in these emotionally and mentally exhausting relationships they create....nah

[@LeeChrissy]

Listen, coming from someone who has been through the emotional rollercoaster of the DA experience, one thing I will say is they're still human beings. I'm a FA and I've been pretty messy and all over the place myself. I would likely never date another FA unless they leaned more avoidant (so I can have space) and were doing the work on themselves. The worst relationship I've had is with an AP. He gave me no space, was controlling and wouldn't leave me alone. My point is just because I've had bad experiences with all 3 attachment styles doesn't mean I have the mindset that every AP, FA and DA are out to hurt you and so many people come on here to air out their grievances about how horrible DA's are and there are actually great DA's in this community trying to learn. I said to a friend the other night that out of every relationship I've ever had, being with my ex DA was the best yet most heartbreaking experience I've ever had. I walked away from him again in May and recently started taking the PDS courses. The biggest thing I've learned so far is that I was so resentful because I was breaking my own boundaries to make him comfortable. The thing is, that's on me, not him. Had I been more secure I would know how to have these conversations with him and walk away if my boundaries were being crossed. I think personal responsibility goes a long way. AP's and FA's can be emotionally volatile and that's not okay either. My DA never pulled that shit. He shut down because he's unhealed and I chose to leave and work on myself.

[@claudemacaluso9896]

Theirs no reason to feel remorse for these peaple they go through liife destroying peaple lives . What about that counselor that’s acceptable because they have deep rooted issues? It took me 6 mths to get over the destruction of my mind and heart from this person ..To find out she was cheating on me all along YOU peaple have no idea what that experience is like and the damag it incurred to me . I wish them misery in life call me cold hearted I don’t care she wasn’t their in the depression she caused.

[@JoeTheBroken]

Yes blame us all cuz u chose a bimbo. Really shows ur maturity ahahaha

[@janicehernandez7714]

So DA came back and I did the script asking about going slow but did he want a long term relationship in the future. He said 100% . I then asked with me and again 100% because of the openness, honesty, and communication. We then had the most amazing vulnerable night that was so beautiful. Next day a couple texts both of us saying thank you for a beautiful night. Then he ghosted me. We both a year ago agreed not to ghost.

[@GewoonEvelien]

Wow, so sad to read. 😔 Did you hear from him in the past 2 weeks? My boyfriend ghosted me 6 weeks ago, out of nowhere. 4,5 years relationship. Meanwhile, he's posting things on Instagram. How can people do this? 😔💔

[@melc8388]

@@GewoonEvelien this is so sad :(

[@marcd2743]

Never trust a DA.

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

@@GewoonEvelien So sorry to read that. Have you heard from him? Hope you got friends around you to support you through this. I'm ghosted out of an 8 month friendship atm , can't even think of the pain this is caused after 4,5 years of a romantic relationship.

[@GewoonEvelien]

@@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648 Hey Linda! He got back in contact since the beginning of December. But it is not easy at all. Every time I try to talk about what happened all those months, why he did something like that, he just says:"I don't know" and he completely shuts down. So I have soooo many questions in my head, and zero answers. And in the past month, he has been ignoring me again for days or even a week. So I know nothing has changed, and I am afraid that he will ghost me again. I try to be so understanding and loving, but in the meantime I have to keep my boundaries. Most difficult thing I have ever done. Sending you sooo much love. I know what pain ghosting causes. And there is really nothing you can do about it, but wait. This whole thing has traumatised me so much. 😕

[@rensraj]

AA with a DA for 1.5 yrs now. He is definitely emotionally involved but has never said ILY. I know he feels it but shows only through loving and intimate actions, never words. He is having difficulty sleeping at night and I know from your vids thats because emotional attachment but haven't told him that. He now said to me that I should leave him since hes not good for me. He also said hes going to be very busy with work and wont be able to spend time as much. When i asked he was breaking up with me he said no but that he wont have much time to meet regularly and that if i wanted to see other people then he will be happy for me. I love him so much but im so helpless i really dont know what to do or hoe to make him stay. I know for sure he loves me alot too but its hard to tell if all i have to go on his actions. But his words are pushing me away. Its very confusing, pls can you advise Thais 😪🙏

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

With everything you said, I believe Thais addresses this here and I invite you to watch this video kzbin.info/www/bejne/ZmaYmYimnLJgrLM

[@twinflamechaser10010]

Hi Renu 💕 Here’s a biig hug from another Indian girl 🤗.. I can feel your pain.. Do watch the video suggested by Thais👍🏻Thais videos are like an user manual 🙊 Never mind DA’s words & never ever mind their reasoning for their actions/decisions. DA don’t express what goes inside them. In my opinion, pls self introspect if he really loves you & can you accept him the way he is; can you give it time... If yes, show him your firm belief in the strength of ur bond. & clearly say it- I am not going anywhere. {Trust me he needs to hear that more than anything else. It will neither lower your self esteem but boost it.} & that There’s nothing such as good or bad, we both have pluses & minuses....& If at anytime, we have complaints about anything, we will address it together. The "we" language is powerful. Show him your confident sensible feminine side (loving but not chasing), he won’t be able to leave you. Good luck 💕

[@toscadonna]

Renu Raj Go date other men and give him the pain he’s asking you to. He’s not busy with work. He’s working on another girl. He literally told you he doesn’t care about you when he said to go off with another man. That’s not what a man who loves you does. Dump him, and never look back. He doesn’t say I love you, because he doesn’t feel that way. You deserve so much better. Hell, being alone is better than being with a man like this.

[@PennyJackson123]

Why do you need him to say I love you? My partner of nearly 2 years and I never use that expression, because it is unnecessary. I think the best thing for you is to work on accepting your DA the way he is as an individual, and not place your own expectations and perception of how to love someone onto him. You know he loves you, so that means he has displayed that to you on multiple occasions through behaviors and confirmed that he deeply cares about you, which should outweigh saying the words out loud. Try to find a balance if you can. Write a list of all the things he does that makes you happy, what behaviors that he does that are consistent and reassuring to you. And look at that list whenever you feel doubtful.

[@Kdaley48]

Thank You so much for this video Thais. I’m not sure if He was a DA but based on my personal analysis I would think he primarily was. I’m an AA. However you hit some nails directly on the head... after 2 years of battling that situation I finally have closure. Thank You.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy this helped Kadeisha - PDS team member

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

It’s horrible isn’t it?

[@shelby9088]

I might use a variation of this script on a DA I was really crushing on and scared away, if I ever get the nerve. I’ll report back what happens!

[@nompumelelo_skhosana]

Dont do it! Just move on and get some else. Its painful dealing with these people.

[@angelab8137]

Going through something similar right now. Lol How'd it turn out for you if you don't mind me asking?

[@shelby9088]

I ended up not doing it…what happened was, I called him one day to catch up and I left a voicemail. Afterwards I felt ignored because he did not call back. I was reactive and hurt at the time so I severed the friendship. Months later I apologized but we have not talked at all since then.

[@angelab8137]

@@shelby9088That's rough, I'm really sorry to hear that happened. :( Hopefully future relationships work out better and you can get the closeness you want. I wish you the best and happy healing 💜

[@selmatheviking488]

One technique i use to open up more to close people is that i say a leading sentence which has to be followed. for example: me: i wouldn't say i'm in the best mood... person: why, what's wrong? me: i've been feeling awful lately. and so on....

[@BlackMagnolia]

Thanks for so much clarity so I don't nag or bug the man I'm lovey dovey toward

[@anhangamirim453]

Let me give you our FA-DA love story up-date. After 6 months living together (due to the Pandemie), we are now girl-friend and boy friend, officially

[@austinnguyen9107]

Update? Bc deactivating strategies come up 6 months - 1year. And then it's hell

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@roveism]

Everybody is on a journey, except DA’s will trip you up and step on you to get ahead on theirs.

[@ImTerio]

Nothing personal my guy 😁 don’t take it to heart

[@Gmantrini]

U have to really love a dismissive a they r a lot of work

[@kathleenburns4850]

Yup.

[@jesseburgener442]

I did the message thing with my on/off DA girlfriend (and one of my best friends) of the past three years when she ghosted me after I revealed how strongly I felt about her and never heard back; I never was insisting that she share those feelings, just that she acknowledged them and give me closure so we could walk away on good terms. The saddest thing is realizing that all the happiness and good will you've built up/shared over the years can just be thrown away when they get too uncomfortable, it makes you wonder whether or not the person you once knew was ever really who you thought they were, and that's why it's so hard to let go. Btw, I say this with full respect to DAs who are willing to acknowledge and work on themselves! It's easy for comments sections about DAs to turn into a bashing session by people who have been burned by them in the past, but as an AA style who is working on his own insecurities, I support anyone who is willing to take the steps to better themselves.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

Serious unless all of you are clinical psychologists you really have no place labeling other ppl’s DAs even your own as Narcissists. NPD and BPD are both extremely rare. NPD only effects 0.5-3.3% of the general population and it takes extensive amount of psychotherapy to diagnose someone as a Narcissist. I understand that DAs can have a lot of narcissistic maladaptive tendencies but that does not make them a narcissist and you labeling them that way when you DO NOT have the credentials to do so is extremely harmful for DAs that do want to work on themselves. You are very likely here watching these videos because you yourself have an anxious attachment anyway. You bring your own toxic dynamics into your relationships as well. DAs do not inherently deserve less compassion than the rest of us. It’s about an individual’s actions and their willingness to work on themselves. This is coming from an FA

[@dclarke2179]

Well said. I guess it's much easier to blame the DA, than to understand that some people grow in their own time.

[@yuristeaparty]

Exactly. I notice this all over the Internet right now, where people call themselves empaths and anyone who has caused them pain/an ex, narcissists. It’s exhausting to read, and disheartening for those who might not know their attachment style yet and don’t understand why they feel unsafe and can’t commit. It’s quite literally the opposite of empathy to be throwing the term narcissist around where it doesn’t belong.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@@dclarke2179 when you are in pain accountability is hard. I know how they feel because before I found Thais I was railing my DA for how she treats me but I also have to understand as an FA that does feel what she feels in relationships too how I tried to rush her growth and how my protest behaviors made the situation worse. The thing is the anxious have been feeling stuck in a codependent cycle with the DA for much longer than either of them of have been doing intense work like this and I’m sure they had to interpret the DAs lack of communication on their own for so long that that feeling of being taken advantage of is hard to push back because the DA indignantly moves at their own pace and the anxious has been going through the relationship with very poor boundaries established so it really feels like a slap in the face when the DA doesn’t do the work at the rate the anxious is.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@@yuristeaparty SERIOUSLY I hate seeing how much people call themselves empaths now. I just want to be a brat and jump in those comments to tell them it has do with their attachment issues and few few boundaries not because they actually have psychic healer abilities.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@nataliaestrella8609 lol

[@amati7940]

Can someone please explain why DAs turn nasty or cold? Together for 4 years, left me with no solid reason. Told me he loved me. Now being cruel in his messages. It’s one thing to leave people who love you, it’s another to stick the knife in and twist it.

[@robertl4824]

He's either not a DA (narcissistic?) or he is pushing you away (maybe FA?)

[@amati7940]

@@robertl4824 definitely avoidant. Didn’t consider fearful as he ticks all the boxes for dismissive.. I’ll look into that. Thank you!

[@SK-no2pp]

Sounds like idealization then devaluation

[@pareehassan9877]

Thank you for this topic, and great introduction. Manner should always be the norm and we should not accept certain behaviour just because someone has a certain attachment style unless they are working and progressing

[@matthewwallace9380]

Does someone here have a success story where their DA partner actually did decide to go to therapy, face their own problems, do the work, and change into a secure?

[@condwiramurstally]

DAs are the least likely to seek therepy on their own but if you know one tell them about attachment, Thais has even a video how to adress this issue to a DA.

[@emilycross8994]

... crickets...

[@SilverGirlAu]

How can you encourage DAs to actually do the work of looking at their pattern? I get it that they may not feel the same feelings about being dismissed - but their actions impact others... my DA hubby walked out 2 yrs ago after 3 yrs of marriage 9yrs total together... devastated me and daughter and no real explanations as to what happened... but refuses to look at anything I send him about DA attachment style and some of the underlying issues...

[@toscadonna]

Hemp for Health - Q Aus Change yourself. You should be disgusted by his behavior and not ever want to take him back. What is it about you that makes you want to accept a man back into your life who broke you and your daughter’s heart? What kind of mother begs a man to come back? What kind of example is that for your child? Be weak and suck up to a man who abandoned you? Jeez. Think a little. What you do in this situation will effect your child for life. Show her what a strong woman who loves herself would do-even if you obviously don’t love yourself by accepting this behavior. Pretend you do so that your daughter doesn’t end up modeling door mat behavior in the future.

[@KayWeezy]

H 4 H, I am so sorry to "hear" this. I'm a DA male who has been on his journey of bettering himself once I became aware of my attachment style AND knew that was not the person/partner I want to be. I can only try and put myself in your husband's shoes in terms of my comment, which may not be how he's thinking. Prior to hearing about the DA style, I didn't think I had any issues that needed addressing relationship wise. I equated my life success (medical degree from a prestigious university, great job, etc.) to mean that everything else in my life was just as much of a success, including how I acted in relationships. And because of that, any issues that came up in a relationship that weren't along the lines of a partner being unfaithful or a pathological liar weren't being caused by my actions. If your husband feels like how I would have felt, he may not think he's contributing to the issue or is a giant contributor to it, and likely had some painful trigger that was activated (subconsciously) that turned on his fight or flight response. Most of the time, us DAs will choose to run away as opposed to stay ground and fight/show up for our relationships. I truly hope this helps you and I wish you nothing but positive vibes for you and your daughter.

[@firstladyqueen5985]

I have noticed that the dismissive avoidant loves being the most manipulative, aloof, distant type that is the most selfish aka has the most narcissistic tendency. Why is that @Thais Gibson?

[@robertl4824]

DAs are usually also passive-aggressive and self-centered. not necessarily narcissistic.

[@wilbur111]

What you're basically saying/showing to them is, "I can love you and treat you respectfully despite the pain your behaviour is causing me. ... Despite how I feel right now, I am being kind to you ... and I'm asking you to be the same". If you treat them negatively, then you're just being to them like they're being to you. They feel justified and you'll feel justified. But you'll both be feeling justified in being horrid to each other. Wouldn't you rather they were kind? Wouldn't you rather they were strong and were able to hold on to those memories of how much they loved you just days before and that they treated you according to those feelings instead? Well then, you'll have to show them how.

[@loverofbeautifulthings]

You are so very good at understanding DAs and helping those of us who love them. Thank you with all of my heart!!

[@timeyinenemigin6361]

Hi Thais, first of all, you're a rockstar!!! My relationship has been on the rocks for a while and I feel like I'm finally getting things together because of your videos. I have one problem though, I'm an Anxious Preoccupied trying hard to become more secure but my DA partner cheated on me so it's harder for me to get self validation mostly now that we're taking a break. I do know that most of my fears are irrational but they seem to now be backed by an extra break in trust. I really love this person but feel like I'm being played literally every morning when I wake up. Today is our first day apart on what seems like its gonna be a sixty day break, I'm taking your advice from other videos and am working towards becoming more secure with myself but I'm afraid I'll become too secure and detach from my partner (and I have a good reason to), what would you advice that I'd do?

[@dclarke2179]

Do the work on yourself, and if or when you detach from your partner. Use that opportunity to find someone that is right for you and won't cheat on you.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/pmTRla17gcmaZ7M

[@timeyinenemigin6361]

@@dclarke2179 Yeah we did break up. I'm not really looking for anyone right now but thanks for the advice.

[@gogohappygirl]

How long would you suggest waiting till sending a DA this message? At what point does deactivating become ghosting?

[@kathleenburns4850]

Day 17 for me. He is indigent in prison serving two stacked life sentences…nobody else on the outside is in touch with him. He feels nobody is better than me. Yay; does wonders for the self esteem.

[@solshinesista4148]

Thank you for the content-rich videos. I just got my membership, and super psyched to enjoy my investment! Thank you Thais 💜

[@desertbluesplaylist7550]

I don't think highly of anyone who ghosts anyone

[@johnnycassell4338]

It took me ten years to find out my baby's momma is a Dismissive Avoidant. Do not recommend. Hopeless, traumatic and exhausting.