Harmony with Dismissive Avoidants in the Power Struggle Stage of Relationship

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[@carolyn4647]

It sounds like so much effort with very little reward, walking on eggshells and no guarantee your needs will ever be met. Always focused on keeping yourself in check.

[@practicaldreamyr]

This was precisely my experience with the DAs I've dated. Never again. In every case I ended up drained, heartbroken and lonely. It's a bad sign when you are having more connected conversations alone at home by yourself than with your partner.

[@annawucher3697]

@@practicaldreamyr so sad how precise this is.

[@At4rax]

Yup. People do not deserve the emotional strain and suffering some of these people (DAs) bring. Everyone has no fault in how they were brought up and their attachment style. But not wanting - or even finding deplorable - trying to change to a healthier emotional floor is 100% the person's fault, whatever their attachment style. Never again.

[@Toody49]

Your spot on. The DA that I know is the most stressful person to be around. I have to stop in midsentence to make sure that I am wording things just so to not bruise his ego. And that’s where I am right now feeling like I’m talking to an immature child. I have talked to children before that were more grown-up than DAs. I have expended too much energy trying to get this to work, but he never catches on and gaslights. He’s almost like a mixture of narcissism and DA. I bring up issues in the manner that are supposed to be healthy, and have been stated in this video, only to be met with the response, you think too much, that’s not what I said, I didn’t say that, why do you need to rely on a video to tell you what to do? Never mind the fact that he watches videos for self improvement. all the time, which doesn’t seem to work. Never once has he answered a question directly. I’ve asked for clarity of the relationship only to have that changed. He said we were like an old married couple, when I mentioned it a few months after he said it, he said we might be old, but we’re not married. And his power struggle seems to be not just as a part of the relationship, but to prove himself a man. I really think the only reason he’s here is because he gets to pretend to be man of the house to fill in the gap of his lost manhood over his divorce. If he was more concerned about me, he wouldn’t act like he was in charge of my own house. When he tries to implement ideas that I don’t like, he says well I know I’m a real estate agent. And I have to rebuke him with, but it’s my house. It doesn’t help that he has an addictive personality. He’s a salesman, but he can’t even use those skills to try to get along with me.

[@rachelswinehart9195]

​@@practicaldreamyr!a.😊

[@lunabella7216]

2:54 for beginning of explanation

[@jennifer9528]

4:53 - "I've seen individuals enter into this stage around the 8-month mark, and this is usually when it's a Fearful Avoidant and a Dismissive Avoidant in a relationship together. Symptoms of this stage are things like fighting more, feeling more disconnected, less intimacy, sometimes seeking attention outside of the relationship, but also feeling a little more comfortable around one another." Oh my God, this is spot on!! Exactly 8 months in, and he has spontaneously dropped the mask. I feel like he's testing me to see if I really am who I say I am. Breadcrumbs for a quick reference: Dismissive Avoidants 5:46 "need to feel like their autonomy and their independence are respected, seen, heard, and understood. They also need to feel like they are safe to be who they are in a relationship." 7:06 "Dismissive Avoidants want to know that they are not going to be disrespected in any way; they want to know that they're not going to be criticized or shamed in any way. And these are all the rights of passage that they need to sort of pass through this stage into the stability stage." The partner of a Dismissive Avoidant needs to effectively communicate their needs in a way that is non-critical: 6:31 "The more you can work your needs and your expectations into using language in a way that says, 'Hey, I'm not here to challenge or take anything away from your life; I'm here to develop healthy compromises and not necessarily enter into this one-sided situation or take anything from you in regards to your freedom,' the more this is communicated, the more smoothly you will move through these stages." A good way of conveying this message is: 6:25 "I don't want to make you feel trapped or confined in any way, but this is a need that I have. Do you think you'd be open to this need?" Whoa, Thais - that's breathtaking! I'm going to give this a shot and see how well it works...

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

I think it should be noted that while the partner of a DA has to a good schoolboy or schoolgirl according to what This has stated in a stage of the relationship and that schoolboy or schoolgirl is going to be judged by the DA on his or her behavior...but what was not mentioned is that in my case she disrespected me, she criticized me constantly, she cheated on me and betrayed.....but WE all have to cater to the DA and watch our p's and q's.. No mention of this in the video... That the coin has two sides

[@thepsychicbaddie]

Thank you for this! Literally all I needed from the video 💜

[@howtosober]

I mean, I guess if the DA has already completely healed their attachment style this could work, but otherwise it's not worth investing. Unless you just like being used and then discarded. We spent months building a friendship before getting involved, then a few months involved before moving in, but the second the DA moved in with me he turned the whole relationship into a nonstop competition and power struggle. I exhausted myself trying to collaborate and cooperate and all he wanted to do was compete and work against me. I'll never put that kind of effort into a DA again.

[@flexcapazitor1940]

OMG! This video really triggered me. (I mean in a good way, as far as making me aware of how I am). If my partner approached me with their “needs” as you suggest in the video, I would run so fast and so far, or worse yet explode! Just hearing the word NEED made me cringe. I never realized that until hearing it in this video. I don’t think I had my NEEDS met as a child, so I became DA of all my own needs. At the same time I had expectations to fulfill the needs of controlling parent, so I have a resentful relationship with NEEDS of other people, and associate it with neediness. The thought of expressing a need seems deplorable to me. At the same time, if someone came at me with their needs, I would feel squashed and pressured by the expectation of fulfilling that need. I have to go make sense of this now. I never realized how reactive I am to the idea of NEEDS until now. Maybe you could make a video about healthy needs. I thought they were all bad. Thanks for the great insight on this!

[@nataliaturner4845]

I am AA with a DA who is exactly how you were, except he doesn't even have the will to research his attachment style & try to have a better relationship with me & our son. I asked him about his lack of curiosity today about the damage his mother did to our own relationship/family dynamic (she's an overt narcissist & alcoholic and his dad was mostly absent) & also why he gets so viscerally upset & annoyed anytime I try to bring up our issues & that we should work on these things, and he very simply said "I just don't see the value in it" but caught himself right before he finished & tried to change his answer, and that's when it devolved into a fight, bc all I wanted was honesty & a window into his way of seeing things (bc growing up, my family also had DA tendencies & I never understood their aloofness & stoicism) and all he wanted to do was deflect & lay everything on me. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I've never had a real relationship with him (it's called a "fantasy relationship") and that I probably never will (like another commenter said, "I've been crying at a closed door that has nothing behind it" 🤦).

[@nataliaturner4845]

@@JamesTyreeII Exactly 🎯 What are we supposed to do w/people who honestly feel that wanting to connect at all = being needy? I give up 🤷

[@At4rax]

@@nataliaturner4845 I wish I knew these people actually existed so I wouldn't have lost so many years of my life with someone inherently unable to give and receive love and worse of all - someone that considers researching these themes and learning and trying to become healthier emotionally something deplorable.

[@jeremivogel3739]

Thank you so much! I'm in a relationship with a DA, and today I felt like we are one conversation away from breaking up. You helped me realise what is going on, and address this the best way possible. You very well might have saved this relationship!

[@dia606]

Felt this way for months. Got in a long-distance relationship just before the first pandemic lockdown and at so many points i just couldn’t figure out if i should pull the plug and do us both a favour.

[@quinntheqt4281]

Are DAs seeking these resources? Or are those interacting with DAs basically being trained/ conditioned in how to interact with the DA? How can DAs begin to take action and initiative toward their own healing if they are reluctant, avoidant, and possibly non responsive? At what point do DAs take responsibility? Not a judgmental or blaming question. Just an honest observation... where when how do they figure out that they need help and take the initiative to get it? Adapting one's own behavior, growing in understanding, & recognizing the relational deficiencies in others who aren't inclined to address it - isn't really fixing the problem. What is the solution? Are DAs open to implementing the necessary changes? HOW does that happen? What is the catalyst?

[@quinntheqt4281]

@@electricfishfan7159 I get it. I'm an SA. So the best thing for everyone is to assess relationship goals, attachment style, capacity, patterns, & personality on the front end for the purpose of discerning compatibility and suitability. But that would require honesty, empathy, & maturity. Why do people knowingly sabotage relationships? Being aware of one's flaws & defects is not enough when you still knowingly expose others to them. Cycles don't break until we break them. We all have the power to do that. The question to ask is do we have the courage and the stamina to do so. It'll be hard as hell but becoming the best version of yourself and truly knowing and being known and loved unapologetically & purely are worth it. The real issue/ enemy is FEAR.

[@quinntheqt4281]

@@JamesTyreeII Yes That's part of the self sabotaging behavior. Or they do preemptive strikes. They say "I will leave you hurt you dismiss you abandon you... First." But they actually abandon themselves. They injure themselves because love will persevere. Love hopes. Love actually tries. They abandon love and wonder why it remains elusive. They can't figure out why it remains elusive because they crave it. But some also refuse to see a therapist. Likely due to a fear of exposure. But you are already naked you're not hiding anything. You're "hiding" standing in a crowded room with your hands covering your eyes peeking through your fingers. Thinking to yourself "they can't see me." It's sad.

[@a.llewellyn]

@@electricfishfan7159 thank you for saying this..

[@davidrife1999]

@@electricfishfan7159 I think it’s disingenuous and manipulative for someone to present themselves as engaged and available for Years .. and then withdraw and become unavailable, deliberately hurtful and dismissive claiming they feel unsafe after spending all this time developing a ‘ deep ‘ ‘ intimate ‘ relationship with a partner they now in effect abandon, secure that their frustrated and unfulfilled partner has made a commitment and is loathe to hit the highway or bury their needs for respect and reciprocity

[@Leila-gc8py]

I’m in a relationship with a DA and I would honestly say it takes unconditional love for the person to be patient enough because you have the knowledge of this and they don’t. I feel like through my actions and the tools I have I can communicate to him in a way that makes both of us feel safe. If you provide that safety, a receptive DA will in turn be able to meet your needs bc they’re no longer concerned about their own survival. Honestly though, I had a want to understand his internal struggle because I sought out help for myself recognizing I had my own demons to deal with as well as shortcomings. And I want to use the resources and knowledge i have gained to become secure myself and in turn, help him want to reach that point with me. Patience, trying to understand them, as well as unconditional love between the two of you can be a catalyst for a DA to feel vulnerable enough to work on it with you and begin to meet your needs as well. I also feel like It might also depend on the DA and how avoidant they are. I’m an FA and we’ve been together for 3 years. We sometimes flip flop between stability and the power struggle phase still though. And also theyre not purposefully trying to hide this or manipulate you into thinking they’re something they aren’t, these are subconscious actions and emotions deeply tied to a traumatic childhood or one where needs weren’t met properly. Also, I feel like i just love him hard enough to put him before me. And that has resulted in him putting my needs first sometimes and wanting to reassure me at other points during conflict. DAs are not any less worth the time effort or patience than all the other attachments and DAs are definitely not hopeless, abusive, horrible people. They’re just misunderstood and deserve to be loved like everyone else.

[@mathews0618]

You have a genuine understanding of this stuff. Really impressed

[@ca8715]

It's almost like it's her job

[@SalivatingSteve]

She literally wrote a book on attachment styles.

[@torilyn7181]

What about when you've communicated your needs hundreds of times and they keep doing the hurtful things?? But they claim they love you.

[@TheKickasskatie]

Good luck getting a DA to write a list of their needs and having this wonderful exchange. This is good advice, but they won't do it

[@a.llewellyn]

..... a DA would have troubles with making that list because of traumas and experiences that were so profound the individual doesn't understand basic emotions and how they even feel or to ask someone to help them feel better... How could you be so negative towards that? ... To have not had the experiences as a child to know what love is ? How can you say something like that... You never see a DA in the comments defending or even attacking others and others attachment styles.. we are all hurt. we are all wounded. we all want the same thing.. no wonder they don't want to speak up or try and voice how they feel due to attitudes like yours - which are plenty. We need to be nicer to one another not bring them down even more.

[@TheKickasskatie]

@@a.llewellyn I've been with a DA for 3 years now. I love him and in his way I think he loves me. I've had so much compassion and patience with him since learning of this attachment style. That being said, it can be exhausting. I've tried everything I can to get through to him and I understand that there is a certain level I may never get to with him, but when it comes to basic things that hurt me, he understands and still does them. There is so much to love, but there is also a selfishness that can be hard to swallow. I'm not attacking DA's by saying they won't make that list. It's just a fact. Dealing with feelings, especially negative or complex ones is just to much.

[@a.llewellyn]

@@TheKickasskatie I'm sorry for what you have gone through.. and the pain you feel with all of that.. and I apologize for coming off so harsh. I'm a DA on the more extreme side with a very anxious partner. We made our lists of needs this morning and shared them with one another - it was my idea, and I won't lie.. I struggled with it a lot. But I'm proud of my list.. The pain of this push pull is killer.. I apologize for being personally triggered by your comment. I wish you nothing but the best. There are DAs out there understanding, learning and growing.. I'm working on my anxious partner with that. We all want the same thing ultimately. ❤️ I came here looking for support and found myself feeling like shit .. some of us will make that list.

[@TheKickasskatie]

@@a.llewellyn I'm sorry I didn't respect the fact that there is a spectrum to DA's. Not all are like mine. I'm really proud you had the courage to not only recognize your style, but work on it with your partner. Maybe your not as extreme as you think or maybe you've come a long way from it. I'm an anxious and dealing with my partner has just been difficult and I have no idea what to do with it. It sometimes feels like a brick wall that will never be moved, but that's my story. You are obviously proof that a DA can move in a positive direction . I wish you luck and love 💙

[@a.llewellyn]

@@TheKickasskatie thank you very much.. I really do appreciate you saying that. I hope your DA finds some understanding and healing.. That absolutely would be exhausting for you.. and I admire your patience and willingness to stick through it. I see your side and I'm sorry you are right to feel the way you do.. Things get better with time with a DA.. typically. If they feel supported and safe long enough eventually they tend to open up slowly.. not all, but some will. Thank you again, and I apologize for reacting how I did. I'm hopeful for you! Don't stick around if youyr hurting too much tho... You deserve more then that. I have come very very far, it took alot.. you made me realise that I'm not so extreme anymore.. and that feels really good. Thank you. Take care ❤️

[@Regina.Clarke]

Nail on the head with the DA and FA… my DA flip the switch then my FA self got triggered at the 8month mark. 🙃

[@23384linda]

Going through this with a DA👍 Been together 1,5 years, and what you describe is pretty much what's going on. Thanks for giving insight🙏

[@howtosober]

Thais has the best of intentions in her recommendations, but her advice in this video is to do a disproportionate amount of the emotional labor in the relationship- basically ALL of it- while the DA contributes next to nothing, throughout the *whole power struggle phase.* Her description of the DA's behavior in this phase is also one of being totally absent from the relationship most of the time. It's a setup for overgiving and resentment for even a secure person. I don't know who can sustain that or why on earth they would think it's worth it, but to me, it's not. In my experience, with DAs *the entire relationship* is nothing but a power struggle unless you give them their way all the time. The second they don't get their way, they're out. It's not worth it. We spent months building a friendship before getting involved, then a few months involved before moving in, but the second the DA moved in with me he turned the whole relationship into a nonstop competition and power struggle. I exhausted myself trying to collaborate and cooperate and all he wanted to do was compete and work against me. I'll never put that kind of effort into a DA again. I mean, I guess if the DA has already completely healed their attachment style these tips could work, but otherwise it's not worth investing. Unless you just like being used up and then discarded.

[@suras8984]

There's ppl who will waste years on a DA regardless. So they might as well be given the tools to help.

[@GMS919]

That’s exactly right. Completely agree on what you said about what should be the role of the other. What now? Are we now the all understanding, “oh they need space” and so on… And then what? You just wait around?

[@DPaulo-bd7iq]

This was gold! For me this was the missing piece of information that I needed. Though it won't unfortunately change his unwillingness to comit, it definitely brought me understanding. I was walking around in circles and totally clueless about this specific detail.

[@valentinanocross8677]

I agree with others I've read, your clarity on these styles and repeated reminders people need to do their work are what are going to keep relationships going.

[@Tracks777]

nice video

[@frederickwee]

It's really damn hard not to come forward towards dismissive avoidants without criticism when their unconscious beliefs basically rule them and they are not aware. When you do point them out, it comes of as an attack, they shutdown, when you ignore or let it slide, they shutdown. It's immensely frustrating. All while you yourself, secure or not are trying to even regulate your own emotions.

[@nannyboo9832]

Lol so true. I’m FA and my partner is DA. One year in it’s like a light switched. They no longer communicate consistently…. They withdrew and started to assert their autonomy in passive aggressive ways. I’m just giving space for now. But it’s quite anxiety inducing

[@cadilac949]

Love love love love this video. So informative. Love love my healing journey and the free tools that were “shown” to me. ❤️ as a dismissive avoidant knowing how bad and stubborn I can be, I can lead the way to a healing relationship. Thank you.

[@LA-xc4tc]

Watching these videos have really helped me understand DA.. I’m FA.. we both have wounds but looking into this content has really helped comprehend each other better. I understand him and his point of view better. We used to have a real disconnect in our ways of reaching for closeness.. mine was physical touch which he is uncomfortable with but dealt with it to make me happy.. his was asking me to do little stuff around the house for him which I thought was somewhat domineering, tedious, annoying, but as soon as I understood these for his way of sending bids of connection, and these are the things that make him feel cared for, loved, affectionate rather than the sake of convenience .. I could respond to his bids for connection in an affectionate way, and I get my needs for closeness met as well as him.. little things but very helpful to make life a little nicer and smoother..

[@CristinaaaMx]

Great video thank u so much

[@ablanco143]

This advice will not only be helpful for my husband and I. But for my relationship with my own son.

[@Please1ful]

Thank you!

[@kniveschow5754]

I feel like this video would be helpful but when I communicate my needs in the most respectful/polite way, it gets shut down or challenged. When I give any sort of feedback at all again, as nicely as possible, it's taken as I'm scolding or something. But when it's my time for criticism or feedback or anything just hurtful with no sugar coating, I'm too sensitive and never get the satisfaction of healed wounds. It's almost impossible to talk about anything I want to talk about. Is it a common thing for them to deny a lot as well? How can you work on things and grow together if I'm being told I'm the only one needing work? I understand that these tips will help them open up and be more comfortable with vulnerability but it's tiring being so forgiving and kind and not getting the same treatment back. I wish my DA had more self awareness and insight and wanted to fix their toxic Traits with me instead of me being there only one aware of all this and trying to fix it myself. Which I'm sure, isn't right and probably is enabling.

[@SK-no2pp]

Diane Delfino this sounds like a one sided relationship. Don’t beat yourself up for being “sensitive” when the other person really can’t and is wholly unable to give you what you want- which is to feel loved, cherished, seen and heard. Unless you’re very secure and require no validation, it’s hard to stay in a relationship with a DA. One person can’t do all the work and lead. Try to get to a more secure baseline and then date people who match what you want out of a relationship. I was very in love with a DA for 5 years- hot and cold. Ultimately, I was left with nothing. No real commitment, walking on eggshells, etc. now that I am secure and feel better, that dynamic has become unattractive to me. Your DA has to have self awareness and introspection. You can’t change or fix them. Wish you well ❤️

[@ronjakh]

I’m in the same situation and I know how frustrated you feel. I’ve been with my partner for almost six years now, and I am finally at the end of my rope. I am done trying after years of trying, working so hard, adapting and fighting for getting my needs met or even considered as significant. Some people just can’t or won’t meet our needs. My partner also makes me feel like I’m too sensitive, when in fact he is just very insensitive. Your feelings are valid and they are something you live and experience. Don’t shame yourself for them 💙

[@babysab8013]

My partener is DA and still listens to my concerns and I feel understood. You need to evaluate how much he cares. Deep down you know it

[@0Demiyah0]

I recognize that kind of behavior more from having dated someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. My DA partner gets spooked and a little defensive when I have a need I want to communicate, but he never accuses me of being too sensitive, never raises his voice, never lashes out. Rather; it confirms to him his inability to connect deeply with people, and it makes him question his worth. So even if he's DA, he's still empathic at the core. The men I have dated who were only ever defensive, retaliating, gaslighting, manipulating and dismissing, and never crossed the bridge for me, were men who had sociopathic/narcissistic tendencies. If this is a continuous issue for you in the relationship, re-evaluate what you're getting out of it, and whether it's worth continueing.

[@adrianatuscia707]

Diane Delfino you are so bang on this is exactly what went on for me in my rship....

[@paris_82]

Very informative.

[@pi2771]

The only person showing their true self in this phase is the da cause the ap is not allowed to have any kind of need. And if expresses a need no matter how good the ap communicates it, it wilk always be unheard.

[@cangrejitamiry]

I‘m on and off with my DA for 6 months now and we just got back together 4 weeks ago. I asked him a favor yesterday (emotional support) and he confirmed within 10 minutes. I am testing him, too, because I cannot not exist in my own relationship. But I am still not sure if it is worth it . Will it ever get better?

[@usmayadali]

How did it go?@@cangrejitamiry

[@cangrejitamiry]

@@usmayadali I am with someone rather healthy and normal now. I will never ever deal with a dismissive again.

[@TeeandEssYES]

This is so spot on to my situation to a T but my DA ended up pulling away and breaking it off. I wish I knew all this information 6 months ago!! How do I gently approach them after giving them time to reconcile?

[@bradenhosking9342]

This is treating the symptoms and not the cause. The DA advertised themselves as someone that desired and was capable of closeness, intimacy, prioritizing the relationship, effort, consideration , the ability to communicate, conflict resolution, and established a precedence on time spent together and after 2 years and a wedding, suddenly is incapable of meeting those relationship needs again. You said they look forward to this stage, which means they must know and if they did then the relationship in the beginning, that I have beat my head against the wall trying to get back for the last six years, was a lie.

[@JL-xt2io]

Agreed. Right there with you with the exact same experience. Mine was an 18 year journey where I’m left with the understanding that I never knew him at all. He sold himself as one thing, and it was all a façade. Being discarded (like I was absolutely nothing to him) after 18 years has been a difficult thing to understand. (It makes you feel ashamed.) No amount of acceptance and support was enough to fill in the hole he has within himself.

[@enarcmcfly]

Consistently communicating needs when they're consistently ignored really sucks

[@communityonline]

Informative. Thanks for sharing

[@ChilledOut]

I’m FA. My da broke up with me in the power struggle phase after our first conflict. He apologized that he wasn’t the man for me. I was in shock and said I agreed, but really I don’t and now my heart is broken 💔

[@chrissearcher3563]

I'm in this stage with a DA, so discouraged from everyone's comments.

[@poormanintexas]

9 months in exactly to the day.

[@motionmuse5684]

interesting. it's not that they dont care all a sudden - necessarily, they are just trying to get to the stability part faster and in one whole authentic piece.

[@Meli-ul9zt]

So im FA and he was DA. I was very with my anxious side in this relationship though. I would emotional dump a lot and I see how much i was at fault of him breaking up with me, i did not handle msot things well at all because we didbt have this information available to us at the time. You gave an example of how one should communicate rather than emotional dump. One issue we hsd was a lot of times he would tell me he was going to do something and then he would end up not doing it. Whether it was he was supposed to call me or text me or he said he was gonna come visit and then last minute not be able to come anymore. Yes no one is perfect but i reached the point where i had already brought it up so many times that there was no way for me to not be angry about it because it was very unfair to me. How should i have handled that? I felt i was being very neglected and even though i trusted him in general his words, his promises stopped meaning anything because he almost never went through with things he said. So yes i would emotional dump hard. Is there an in between? I dont want to lie and say im nit angry when i am and i know i have a right to be,

[@attheranch873]

Mel Ordonez I really relate to this.

[@SK-no2pp]

Diane Delfino this sounds like a one sided relationship. Don’t beat yourself up for being “sensitive” when the other person really can’t and is wholly unable to give you what you want- which is to feel loved, cherished, seen and heard. Unless you’re very secure and require no validation, it’s hard to stay in a relationship with a DA. One person can’t do all the work and lead. Try to get to a more secure baseline and then date people who match what you want out of a relationship. I was very in love with a DA for 5 years- hot and cold. Ultimately, I was left with nothing. No real commitment, walking on eggshells, etc. now that I am secure and feel better, that dynamic has become unattractive to me. Your DA has to have self awareness and introspection. You can’t change or fix them. Wish you well ❤️

[@sshuteandrew]

Just bc he’s DA it doesn’t mean he gets a pass for not showing up for you or not keeping his word. He still needs to respect your needs and show up for you. The way a DA is communicated with is best done with sensitivity since they may perceive it as criticism- but that doesn’t mean you don’t ask the questions and have a standard for yourself of what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

[@torilyn7181]

I'm going through exactly what you just described and my relationship may be over. I think we are actually both FA (we both took the test and that's what the test said) but he is definitely on the dismissive end and I'm definitely on the anxious end. He's been working out of town for over 3 months and can't seem to remember to call me. He's working and not supposed to be drinking, but he's been getting drunk and "forgetting" to call. I've told him at least once per week for over a year now that it's crucial to me that if he says he will call that he call. I think his repeated failure to do what he says has actually made me anxious, because I certainly have never been like this in any other relationship and it is scary AF. My last relationship was even with a narcissist who was terrible to me and I was NEVER like this. I hate it and right in the middle of a fight honestly would rather die than continue feeling so unimportant and manipulated. My body is on high alert all the time and my health is not doing well. If COVID wasn't a thing and if it were a normal year (this season has been the worst and he's been gone 2x longer than normal) then I feel like I would know exactly what to do, but because of those circumstances I'm questioning how much of this is even relevant going forward. Do we just need to put our heads down and push through, or is it always going to feel like someone high jacked my body and all I can do is feel pain? He says he loves me and wants to marry me (until I got overly furious with him tonight for going out drinking and not calling..... again! Now he says I'm crazy and doesn't know if he can marry me). I admit, I reacted disproportionately, if you only consider this one thing, but a ton of feathers still weighs a ton.

[@Meli-ul9zt]

@@torilyn7181 so I guess a lot has happened in those 8 months since I posted that comment. I don’t know if this will help you in any way or at least comfort you somehow. Well let’s just say I am in a much better place now and it has been a JOURNEY start to finish. So you two seem to still be together, that can be good and bad, I think deep down you know best. When my ex broke up with me a little over a year ago I was DEVESTATED. The ironic thing is I was at my breaking point in the relationship (as clearly he was as well) because we were fighting all the time and he was shut down and I was triggered 24/7. We were long distance. When we got to see eachother it was usually always a great time but towards the end of the relationship even in person we weren’t fully on the same page anymore. That’s when him saying he would do something and he ended up not doing it almost every time was at it’s worst. On the last night we had a minor argument and he said he would call me after helping his mom with something and before he went to sleep to talk about. I was like you’ll for sure call me? And he was like yeah I’m going to call you. Literally 30 min later he sent me a text saying goodnight i love you I’m really tired so I’m gonna go to bed. Lmao it’s funny now looking back but the moment I read that text wow I blew up. I freaked out. I started calling and he didn’t answer and I blew up his phone with angry texts and I remember I felt so emotionally exhausted so angry so unlike myself and I remember thinking there is no way I can go on like this, I have to break up with him. The next morning came and even though I felt exhausted in the relationship I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to break up with him. I was weak , I was in love, I couldn’t see myself losing him. Well he broke up with me later that day. It was really hard for him to do, I could see that clear as day. My point with that is that I remember what it felt like to feel triggered on high alert all the time. I was not myself, I had completely lost myself. It was horrible, and I’m sure he felt the same in a different way. We were both enabling our toxin behaviors. I NEVER will allow myself to be in that space again. I have worked so hard to move away from it and I’m still not even half way healed. Personally I feel like you both need to break up, take time off from eachother and find yourself again, heal yourself. But once again, you are the only one who knows what is best for you and maybe you both can make it work now. But honestly unless he is open to putting in work as well, don’t count on it. This is the first hurdle to get past and it is so hard for your brain to even process, you need to break up with him unless you know for a fact he is willing to work on himself as are you. It has taken me literally a year to get to the space I’m in now. It will be hard. Him and I are now close friends and there is a chance of romantinc reconnection. I have been learning a lot about his attachment style and my own and I will tell you the overall points I think could help. 1-You have to work on yourself. I’d say first give yourself time to do all that unhealthy comfort things that you need in a breakup at first, the only way to get partly over the breakup is to feel it completely. It will be miserable at first but once you move past that work on yourself. Work on your own attachment style and it will become easier once you are not triggered 24/7. 2- this will also take time, there’s no magic way, once you’ve been able to truly accept the breakup and you are working on yourself , if you and him remain friendly or you know you potentially want him and he also wants you then you have to let go. Let go of expectations, let go of the possible outcome. You have to let it happen if it’s meant to. If you are holding on too tightly to that then you are not healing. I literally just a month ago reached that point where I have completely let go and am open to either scenario even though I love him so much and I know he loves me and I hope we do end up. I’m completely fine if we don’t though. I want him but I don’t need him now. He is not working on himself actively. He still sometimes says he’s gonna do something and he doesn’t do it. When I let go of the hope of making him mine now, I let go of that also. When he does that, I don’t let it have a hold over me anymore. It still irritates me but I let it go, if he brings something up on the topic or if he seems a little more receptive on a certain day then I will remind him that I don’t appreciate plans changing last minute if it happens often but overall I’ve just let go. It’s a little different for DA’s but I think the principle still applies , it basically just doesn’t affect me the same way as before because I am not as FA as before. I know it has to do with him and not me. I respect my boundaries more now. And it’s too early to tell but it seems that in laying off he is subtly feeling less triggered and less likely to do that. ( once again that may be more of a DA dynamic) I am happy to be his friend rn. I am grateful for having in my life. He’s so special to me that I just want him as friend at the least. Right now I would not date him if he asked me because due to him not working on himself, I know I need to respect myself. But I will say I genuinely believe we will one day be together again although I am not unhealthily attached to that belief. Up until a month ago I was still trying here and there. Well now I’m fine with waiting and seeing what happens. I feel great now that I can breathe and not feel so negatively attached to everything he does that used to hurt me or bother me. My self love journey for the first time ever despite trying for years has skyrocketed. I have made so many advances. Basically make the end goal be to let go of the unhealthy attachment and see what can grow in its place. I may not have explained some things well, typing is not an easy form of expression for me lol. And sorry it was so long. But honestly this journey has been life changing for me and a year ago, even just a few months ago, I would not have believed I’d be where I am on my healing journey, my self love journey, and my journey with my ex. It feels impossible at times. But then you find yourself in the midst of it feeling refreshed and you realize you found yourself again. That is freedom. Im not even halfway there and I can’t even imagine if this feels so good what it will feel like further progressed. Honestly i don’t blame you if you don’t read this lol but if you do and somehow it helps you even just a little then I’m glad.

[@Goojie45]

I what r the 6 stages of a relationship please?

[@GMS919]

This seems I have to be smothering up and being the “one that understands” that they are like that. So I need to do all these things and accommodate the DA. So the question is what do they have to do on their side? What are their fears that have to overcome and so on? It’s feels like I’m smothering/accommodating them. And need to “comprehend them”

[@christiangonzalez4847]

damm this is a lot of work lol but I guess LOVE

[@kateseivwright9919]

How do you combine DA autonomy and independence with rising up two small children? He has all the freedom and time and I got everything else ... work, children, animals and house to look after, sleepless nights and silence whenever around him, my stress levels are through the roof for quite sometime now .... 🙈😟

[@senseijen8963]

This is what I am so scared of in settling with a DA. Since they value their freedom and independence more than anything, how can you raise a family together?

[@Dragonfighta]

@@senseijen8963that’s what I’m seriously wondering as well. My DA boyfriend would like to have 2 children as well and he can barely take care of his own life😅 on top of that unable of supporting me / mutually supporting each other. Seems like he got his family ideas out of a movie or tv show but hasn’t got the emotional awareness and capacity what it takes to raise children and to have a serious long term relationship…

[@michaelcolvin8702]

Mine left me in power struggle

[@Radianty_Ella]

Is there an equal video about what AP need at this stage?

[@jamesspence7569]

Is there a video for DA and AP dynamic specifically to this stage and how to move toward stability? Specifically for a DA/AP who are stuck in this stage after 20 yrs together and married with childrem

[@mytwosense5223]

Great question. 15years in and I'm stuck too

[@ShrimpPerr]

Mines hit this stage at 4 months 😳

[@peachofhat]

I feel like I'm already in this stage and we've only been dating for 3 and half months...my partner is Fearful Avoidant I think but more on the Avoidant side and I'm more on the Anxious side, we've both been through very different traumas and trying to have open conversations. Our communication is improving and we're definitely learning about each others needs but I feel like we barely had a honeymoon phase, maybe 2 weeks? Is that normal for people who've been through traumas to get to the power struggle stage faster? Or are we just trauma-bonding? I hope not :(

[@rumpsteak8277]

I feel the same. My ex and I were slightly long distance but couldnt see each other much due to covid so our honeymoon face seemed to only last about 3/4 months and then we entered the power struggle for next 5 months. It was a constant push/pull with us for months, I would ask to define the relationship he said he saw it going in a good direction but didnt want to rush. Wed have lovely dates and intimate conversations then hed blow cold on me until we had to have phonecalls to talk about what was happening because I was so upset with how distant and cold he was being. I always had to address the relationship issues, the only time he communicated it first was when he was dumping me, which he did 2 times, we got back together after the first. I was secure in the beginning and am secure in my friendships but he bought out such an anxiety in me by constantly blowing hot and cold and wed have these open, vulnerable conversation where he would say he wanted me to be his gf he just had baggage to work through and he wasnt ready yet. He just never got ready... He ended things out of the blue AGAIN and said he was in a bad place and wouldnt be a good boyfriend. Said he lost feelings for me a few weeks before and he shouldve communicated that to me but he never did and never bothered to. We spoke once more a week later and he was so cold on the phone and distant and made me feel like everything we had meant nothing to him which I found so hurtful as I thought we were creating a bond and connection. Watching all these videos let's me know hes dismissive and I always aimed to meet his needs and give him what he wanted but he could barely return the favour. Idk if it was because he didnt want to or because he just wasnt capable of giving me the kind if love and affection and compassion I gave him. I'm in week 4 of no contact and it still hurts, mostly the ending and how they make you feel like nothing mattered, they downplayed everything and their feelings as if he hadn't been opening up to me about his past and staring deep into my eyes all the time and being so caring with me at times. I'm in therapy now and am hopeful once I'm healed we can reach out and just discuss everything, I think covid made things a lot more difficult for us. What's the update with your situation?

[@elusiva9389]

@@rumpsteak8277 ugh...hope you are doing well. I am in almost tbe exact same spot, and still hoping he returns someday. He is FA leaning avoidant, so kind, but noncomittal. I am secure, like you, leaning preoccupied, mostly due to jis avoidance bringing that out. Long distance, and covid also in common. I could have written this. He keeps in touch, and we have gone no contact 2x, my doing, but he always still pops up, with comments on my page. Videos of his puppy i found for him. Comparing our dogs. We were great together when we were together. He said i was better in every way than all of his (avoidant) exes.So hard to give it up. Im starting to realize Im possibly just in a healthier place at the moment and he isnt ready. Breaks my heart, and im getting too old to put all my eggs in a broken basket.

[@rumpsteak8277]

@@elusiva9389 hey hope you're well too 🙂 I was doing okay, no contact for 3 months now, after out last phonecall I deleted him off fb immediately before he could do it first but kept him on insta and he did the same, never unfollowed me on insta (he also has his other ex from 2 years ago on there who he says he hates and cant stand ...). Anyway was in no contact, nothing from him silence. Then since 1st of March hes been watching my insta stories. Just silently popping up and watching. Nothing more. Not liking my posts or reacting to my stories just ... watching ... I cant read hide nor hare of it, I'm so confused. After hes ghosted me for him to suddenly pop up and be watching my stories is odd and I cant read it at all or what it means ... I was planning on reaching out this week anyway around the 3 month mark just to check in but I havent because of his watching and now I dont know what to do

[@vp5134]

What to do when you ask for something as simple as spending a bit more time together and they simply say it's too much and are done?

[@quinntheqt4281]

You let them go.

[@karennovosat5435]

DA’s sound like they are high maintenance

[@dannywholuv]

Can someone tell me word for word how to even talk about this stuff to a DA? Its so frustrating walking on Eggshells 😑

[@25sigmaa]

🎯🎯

[@kngarrett1]

Thais....I’m the DA(female) and my person (male) is the FA....have you experienced the FA saying things they really don’t mean to sabotage the relationship. That push pull is emotionally DRAINING the life out of me and I am currently no contact to protect me and learn more about this dynamic...ugh I just want to feel like someone genuinely cares for me and wants to be there for me...

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Sounds like protest behaviors most likely displayed by AP and FA to test their DA partner. It’s usually to see if the DA even cares . It’s not healthy but sometimes you literally have to test your DA bc they are so non communicative with how they feel abs where your stand in the relationship.

[@CleverElephantMedia]

9 months I’m a AA he’s a DA 🥴🥴🥴 it’s roooooouggh😩