The Dismissive Avoidant & Indirect Text Messages | Relationship Advice & The Dismissive Avoidant

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Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship
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In this video, we discuss why the dismissive avoidant sometimes will send an indirect text messages instead of expressing what they truly want to say. We'll cover strategies to open the communication with them. We will also discuss check-ins with yourself to make sure you get the clarity you need in your relationship.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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#DismissiveAvoidant #RelationshipAdvice #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #Love #Dating #Relationships #AttachmentStyles #UnderstandingTheDismissiveAvoidant #IndirectResponse #BoundariesInRelationships
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[@thevent8059]

I always say to my DA, “I’m okay with no, just tell me no” lol. Like it’s cool man I won’t die

[@roberttruman8444]

And do they say no?

[@thevent8059]

Robert lol he has some ways to go lol

[@roberttruman8444]

@@thevent8059 I understand.

[@SublimeSanchita]

lmfao literally... its ok bro, no one's gonna die.

[@ManuB3581]

Do they say no ??

[@winnieamar9368]

Open ended, ambiguous,vague,yes!! Extremely annoying. Thoroughly conflict avoidant. Very very triggering for me. I love clarity.

[@ashton1952]

Winnie Amar it's not meant to upset you at all but entirely the opposite, we learned from early on not to rock someone else's boat too much because it gets one yelled at, or worse. So it's about maintaining harmonious relationships

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@ashton1952 The wishy-washy behavior communicates the DA is not really looking forward to being with the other person. It's interpreted as weakness and lack of mental clarity.

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

For me it started getting me mad only once I started learning about what I need and deserve. I also know that the anger is my dissapointment that he couldn't communicate that he really want to go for me. Even after months he came back and he "played the same games". I gave him a closed question to so I finally would know his intentions and his answer was you could see it like that if you want to. WTF. And then he followed up with that he didn't want to bother ME by arguing. That projection.. And than turned it around that he was stalking me after 8 months of being blocked and messaging from a different number saying that if we would date he would still need a lot of time and take it very slow to decide if he even wanted a relationship. 🤡 I am just shocked how I wasn't repulsed by this from the beginning. Like he is the one that wanted me back how is he now already putting boundries without me even saying anything about giving him a chance. I mean he didn't learn anything from the reason I blocked him and he acted like he hadn't said everytime it was bad timing and he just needed a bit more time. After all that he somehow made it in 3 scentences as If I was the one reaching out bagging for a relationship and I was the one that needed to prove my worth. Man, I've had poems, flowers, loveletters, jewelry, dinners, boattrips and so on, men that showed up and lovebombed me and this guy that just keeps me at a distance showes up with this B.s. yes it is defenatly avoiding everything from vulnerability to accountability. This just happend btw and I am still in shock how I believed him before and now see through it all. Da's are the bare mimum lovers and that's defenatly not what I am going to work hard for.. cause that is what I would end up doing.. and I am pretty sure I would feel used and leave too.

[@luluthedoberman7490]

I think you'd be healthier off dating someone more secure. And also working on the attachment wounds where you said near the end you would put the work in to please him/prove your worth even though he wouldn't match that effort, it would lead to a one-way relationship where you're doing all the work. Highly recommend you do a deep dive with a therapist on how to heal the core wounds so you can spot and make healthier decisions based off your own needs in the future.

[@howtosober]

Indirectness is one of the top 3 things that drives me absolutely crazy, mainly because it feels exactly like the other two things: passive aggressiveness and/or lying by omission. I've reached the point where I have no more time to be led around by the nose by anyone. It's great that Thais is clear at the end, that it's not our job to enable indirectness, and that we have the right to respect our time and live on our timeline instead of waiting around on a DA to make up their minds. If only I had known and been practiced at that piece of the equation long before now, I'd probably have avoided many a hard shutdown after I've felt like I accommodated an indirect person for far too long and paid too high a cost.

[@sushisam3010]

It's so hard because you like the person and they treat you like rubbish and you don't understand anything. They abandon you and treat you unfairly and still blame you for their insecurities. almost three months of NC and I am extremely sad, especially when I see these videos. This person had told me that she liked me. It's so dangerous to play these games with others.

[@meeraraj0]

It drove me crazy and I tried speaking. He got soo mad and said he was only trying to help me

[@lisalee6501]

My last text to him «Hey, how are you? Would be fun catching up like you mentioned a few weeks ago, when are you available? 😊» Him: «Hey, i’m allright». I gave up even being a friend with this person because he would never answer and always made me feel like a burden or idiot when i wrote him 😅

[@TheCoffeeCat]

A half-assed reply like that one doesn't deserve a follow-up. You were right on letting that go!

[@lisalee6501]

Thanks 😊 , it was my last text ever sent and i’m glad i made that choice. And guess what, one time i was busy and for once i was the one giving a short but polite response and he complaint about it saying i didn’t seem interested. When about all our texts was me writing several questions and nice messages and only getting dismissive responses with no follow up questions back 😄

[@FM-zg5hz]

@@lisalee6501 What a damn hypocrite. DAs are not worth tolerating. All they care about is their needs while they disrespect other people.

[@kakashifight6907]

So does my son, make me feel like my worrying about him is ridiculous.

[@linnie14]

LOL. "Hey, I'm alright." OMG---they're all the same.

[@robertoflores4546]

After making plans, you can Count on them changing things up or pulling out or just ignoring you. Sometimes after showing up to find out they are doing something else and they were too scared to tell you anything about it.

[@MakeAmericagreatAgainEVH]

Yes

[@zengemini7656]

Or if they follow through they rush you out and say they have something else to tend to.

[@sofiabandarra6461]

😢 3:00 😢

[@beforetherainbow355]

Yep!! I was supposed to see him one night and he decided to go pick up some stuff he was buying on marketplace…. Didn’t even tell me he changed the plans and I sat around for 5 hours that night driving around in my car and parked in parking lots waiting for him to get done thinking he would see me then, but then he was too tired from moving all the stuff and unloading it.

[@beckym8245]

No texting for 2 days then said "hi", to which I said "hey there! Where have you been?" and they replied "I'm in the kitchen!". Totally annoying.

[@1224polo]

When i was dating her and we were chatting and i was asking her what she is doing she was replying: "i am eating" or "i am drinking tea" or "i am outside" 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️. So fucking annoing allright

[@susansacco7583]

😂

[@beforetherainbow355]

OMG yes!! And now they went no contact because I texted too much even though they weren’t answering me or responding to anything?? “This is starting to be more trouble than I need” is what he told me, and then told me not to talk to him again.

[@andreacottone1635]

At least it was only two days. I got two weeks 😅

[@arankagionetti2098]

They're fearful of rejection because they always been rejected! Who can handle this shit?

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

I have a DA friend that makes me feel so unimportant. She says she misses me and when I try to make plans, she won’t commit. It makes me feel crazy. But I am trusting her actions and not words. You cannot change people. Only yourself and I refuse to be disrespected.

[@DD-jb1lq]

I have gone through this too. With a friend that was like a sister. Best advice, find people who do show up for you. I watch these DA videos to remind me how I deserve more then this.

[@dclarke2179]

DAs don't really miss people. They will almost never tell someone they miss them.

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

@@DD-jb1lq I’m so sorry to hear this…I can relate! Me and this friend called each other sis.😔 it’s rough when you can’t count on family so your friends take that spot and then…you chose a DA!🤯

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

@@dclarke2179 I get that in a general understanding of DA but I believe each person has an individual manifestation of their traits. She is definitely a DA.

[@DD-jb1lq]

@@JuliaShalomJordan thank you for the very kind reply. I think we are all on a journey and just being aware of peoples attachment styles is so insightful. I try to be compassionate but also try to take care of myself and appreciate secure relationships/friendships so much more now.

[@Stukkeman]

A DA that isn’t demonstrating their commitment to doing the work IS NOT worth the time and effort.

[@TheGalilee416]

Friend, family, partner it doesn’t matter. If I get brushed off a second time I don’t reach out again. Was married to a DA for 20 years and after a lot of work thru PDS and my own therapist I set that boundary and will not deny myself or be disrespected like that again. If the reciprocity is not equal, move on.

[@ChelahMoore-tx5uu]

I did after 8months of loneliness.

[@roshalllambert]

I love the fact that her descriptions always target the root causes!

[@nadiacristelo936]

So good to see that my experience is understood by a professional and by others. He only communicates indirectly, no direct communication ever. Any direct approach and I get rejected strongly. It’s awful. I don’t know how you can connect like this!!

[@SK-no2pp]

You can’t connect with someone emotionally unavailable

[@yellowtheresunshine]

When I respond to the DA's text message and answer the question asked. I ask a question and NEVER receive a reply. The next round of messages completely ignores the previous, and around and 'round we go 🙄

[@healthyhippy4282]

Absolutely 💯

[@elizabethbandeen7869]

I feel seen. This is my experience too of a DA. X

[@leolady8114]

Oh boy is this spot on! I used to think it was funny and cute when I didn't get a direct response, via text or actual convo! Years later, it became annoying, esp when I was busy and needed a direct answer. We have since broken up but still are very friendly however I have realized the he is DA by being in PDS and watching all your videos yet I also faced the fact that this was not healthy for me or a healthy relationship full circle. Amazingly, when we broke up after I stated my feelings, he NEVER brought anything up and acted like we had been lifelong friends, all to avoid conflict of any kind. I am still shocked by this even though I do understand WHY he doesn't want the conflict do to his own self wounds! It almost seems like a DA will do anything, even pretend and ignore, in order to simply avoid conflict! Its a little baffling but my heart breaks knowing what they must feel inside!

[@shelleybarva3505]

I appreciate how you encourage the partners/former partners of DAs to think of themselves and not only the DA.That is so important. We can get caught inmagical thinking and ” if onlys” and “ potentials”

[@CommandoMaster]

Very hard to get DA to meet. They always flake/ghost, and give really random reasons. Sometimes they just don't feel like it.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Omg. So frustrating. So disheartening. Doesn't help trust. They wait so long when we need clarity about what to plan and expect.

[@wendydaniel1110]

D A individuals should partner up or marry therapist who can better understand their chaotic minds more than most people who would be very damaged from being deeply involved with them.

[@Scientology-The-Big-Lie]

And maybe they don’t have the courage to say no. They don’t want the connection with you, but they’d rather just go along. Upsetting you until you’re the one that calls it quits. I wonder about this.

[@rebeccaaprice]

Once you accept that they’re just full of shit, it makes life much easier. They feel bad when you buy their bs, because they can see it makes you feel bad, so just don’t buy it. Keep living your life, it makes them feel better.

[@csx9000]

Great video thank you - I think valuing your own time, being true to yourself, not walking on eggshells is so right. If they're not going to / be able to respond in an open and straightforward manner, then even if only for your own self-respect, be prepared to let it go. It's about going into these things with your eyes wide open. If a DA doesn't have the emotional tools to be able communicate clearly, then whoever's getting involved with them needs tools to differentiate these behaviours to protect themselves.

[@dave3952]

As a DA, I choose to just keep to myself. Many times I would go along with plans to satisfy the other person, when I’d not be interested in doing said plan. So now I just say no off the rip, not worried about how the other person may perceive me.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

But (and this is not confrontational, I'm just curious), how do you go on dates, when they have to be planned and communicated beforehand? Or anything else in life, really, that needs an appointment? How does it all work without making a plan and sticking to it?

[@dave3952]

@@TheCoffeeCat to make a long story short, I don’t go on dates. 10 year marriage ended beginning of this year. I’m not looking for relationships or friendship at the moment, just a lot of self reflection and learning to become secure. Other appointments ie, dentist, car repairs etc… I don’t look at them the same as with another person if that makes sense, there’s no emotional connection required for those.

[@stefaniaso8261]

@@s1hr1 great question, and thanks @dave for giving us a direct insight of his way of thinking. I gave up on my DA too after two years of trying hard.

[@coreoflife]

I don't honestly believe it is because you say no. I say no and I am not a DA. It is the way you approach relationship. When in one its each others best interests. I just stopped seeing a DA after 4 years. If what you are doing has a negative affect on your life and you keep rinsing and repeating and it keeps you from having a secure, loving, relationship then maybe just ponder your whys. It is not about saying no...it is all of the deactivating strategies, so sad and I do empathize with your pain.

[@SuperMiIk]

So true. I've been single for so long (and completely fine with it) to the point that it scares me (and others) but I think its much better than me unintentionally toying with someone's feelings

[@tammy6452]

You put it so clearly and with compassion.

[@jenniferbritton9610]

Such balanced and healthy advice as always 🙌🏻 thank you!

[@ColinHarvey78]

Great video. Very affirming for me about ways to communicate, being direct and listening to the other person. Great stuff!

[@differentyetsame]

Gosh thank you.. this has always been such a mind bender

[@natashaj9169]

Omg thank you so much I needed this so so much!!!!!!!

[@tj4787]

Hi Thais ♥️Thank you for clarifying it makes complete sense !

[@SF-pm1ov]

Really helpful insights, thanks!

[@mc2273CFU]

Thais, I've learned SO much from your videos and it has helped my healing from a very traumatic relationship with my ex-DA. I would really love it if you could do videos on 1) the DA and why they so often appear to others as very self-centered; 2) the different attachment styles and apologies (my DA never apologized even when he knew he was wrong and I'd be very interested to know how the different styles view apologies); and 3) can DAs actually be rather sensitive (not to criticism, but rather deeply feeling in general about people they care about). Mine seemed hyperattuned to me sometimes, even reading subtle shifts in tone in my texts, but often clueless about most other people's emotions. Thank you SO much for all you and your staff do - this is my favorite KZbin channel by far. It's helped me process the hurt so much more effectively and change the stories I tell myself about the pain I experienced.

[@tahirabruce477]

I would loveeee to know why they never apologize! Why is it so hard for them to do! Very self centered as well so tiring!

[@mc2273CFU]

@@tahirabruce477 Yes - so hurtful! I can't tell if it's shame-based, arrogance, or something else. Whatever the case, it's very painful and relationship-destroying.

[@evilzinabyssranger5695]

hes a narcisist. DA has a behavior thats high on narcisism. start to study it and take your own conclusions. And get aknowledge that narcisism is a spectrum so if he has not the personality disorder, he migh be a high score on it that makes him close or even oscilate to narcisism sometimes. its a complex question and you will be able to answer because you lived it more years than any therapist could by listening to him, even with him being straight honest and not hiding anything.

[@c.8899]

My ex DA would behave in texting exactly as you described....however, he always responded to his other female friends, and never ignored or kept them waiting for his texts. Only mine.

[@c.8899]

Thanks anyway, but this aspect of him was the least of his issues! I don't want him back!

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@c.8899 DA's are notorious for only treating well those who are not in their inner circle. Once you are accepted into their inner circle, you will be treated poorly as a DA mechanism of defense to keep you at arm's length.

[@c.8899]

@@ands1894 Thanks for the warning re spam.... DA's are classic textbook, aren't they? It's frightening the damage they do to their relationships and the ones they profess to love...

[@c.8899]

@@ands1894 🤣 loved that response! Well done for having the courage and fortitude to accept and move on... I'm doing the same!

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

Yes! Yes! He does that to me too

[@D_B6]

Great video-my patient was worried that by honoring his own schedule and responsibilities, he was pressuring his girlfriend by simply trying to set a time and date. Granted there were a few other considerations, but same basic principle!

[@anothercat9600]

DAs give these answers when they aren't clear about the instructions, I have found. "I'd love to see you on Saturday"/"Is it cafe X we go to Saturday?/"Would you like to pick me up at home, I'd love that" is what they want to hear for reminder, rather than "Are we seeing eachother this weekend?"/"So are we on for tomorrow?" So as female non-dismissive I still have to take some lead, or at least decide time so he can suggest place. At least before I've been brave enough to tell him how much I like it when he takes the lead and suggests time.

[@sally5256]

You just answered my burning question! Thank you. I have been afraid to ask to see the guy I’ve been dating for fear of rejection- I am fairly sure he is a DA. I am an anxiously attached partner. But, your suggestion to ask and let him know it’s for my own planning is very helpful. As a woman, I hear all the time that the men should be the ones to ask the woman out but I think with a DA, sometimes we have to do the asking or we won’t be asked. Thank you ❤

[@jimmorris7260]

Trust me, he’s not going to change. You’re setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak if you continue down that pathway

[@eminemstrash2021]

I'm a DA, also known as MBTI ENTJ. I can explain the inner workings of our minds. Firstly, 98% of our thoughts are rational. We dont tap into or get emotional often. In personality Typology, our emotional function is at the bottom, and IA considered our Inferior function. Attachment theory is a chicken or egg concept, it's possible we have low emotional bandwidth by nature and not nurture. Anyways, When we're required to access our emotions, you must understand that it's like getting in touch with a corner of our minds. I typically only notice my emotions when my body language and a general mood comes over my body, then I need to consciously look into myself to pinpoint what I might be feeling. It's not readily obvious. Sometimes I'm like oh, I'm feeling depressed, or lonely, or frustrated, or sorrowful, or I'm grieving something that happened....but unless I stop to recognize and validate those emotions, I can miss them. I mean completely miss them, and then a different emotional will come along and replace whatever vague feeling was beforen it. It's not a lack of empathy. If we understand where someones coming from rationally, we can actually connect to them very deeply, and experience deep emotions including great joy or sorrowful weeping, but usually not until we really understand what another person's experienced, and it has to be a genuinely happy or sad thing. Not some arbitrary, passing emotion like many people experience. Those "lesser" emotions will simply confuse us because we're simply not controlled or dictated by them, at all. My advice with a DA is that you're going to have to do the leg work on drawing emotions out, and this will go WAY better if you're actually a loyal and trustworthy person. If you're not, or if you're wishy washy, we'll smell your facade from a mile away, and you possess nothing for us to connect to: we will not connect to dishonest people, period. For those that get to know a DA for a long time, you'll find us quite compassionate and genuinely soft hearted, granted it's not a toxic DA or a false macho man boy. People speak negatively towards DA's without recognizing that it's our ability to be detached from emotional sway that makes us excellent leaders, decision makers, business owners, and crisis responders, not to mention the most objective and expansive abstract thought capacity of all types. We are, in essence, the most masculine. We're also the highest producers, and understand efficient processes and system optimization to a sophisticated degree. If you're looking for someone to hold your hand over spilled milk, it's better to go to your girlfriend. If you want a powerful, fiercely loyal, competent, intelligent, and dominant partner who does in fact lack the emotional bandwidth of most other personalities, then a DA is a good fit. I've been married for 17 years to my wife who's secure attached, and I'll admit she's helped me relax and trust more, but then again unlike most people these days, she's actually trustworthy.

[@hibiscushoney3759]

Truly appreciate your comment and insight. That makes sense. Thank you for clarifying these points

[@sairaphilip437]

Curious what is your definition of trustworthy?

[@eminemstrash2021]

@@sairaphilip437 committed, dependable, faithful, loyal.

[@kakashifight6907]

Bless you, it is nature in forcing some to perceive negligence rather than purely nurture where most readers presume the kid’s emotional needs were not met. Perhaps they were met fully but the child is one of three and expects his mother to leave the other two and come running to his highness.

[@julesD0222]

Actually, if you’ve been watching Thais for a while she asserts that everyone makes decisions based on emotions, but the DAs will then rationalize it, so it appears it was made from logic, not emotion

[@banshee3749]

Okay, i'm a DA and I never do that. I even dont take seriously these kind of answers. The minute i receive this message, i stop counting on this person for this situation.

[@Twighlight333]

Im an FA dealing with a DA and the way he asked me out on a date was quite funny, we were at the park he sat next to me but looking away and said and i quote " Id like to go out on a date, what restaurant would be nice?" Now i had a millions thoughts and feelings happen all at once, my first thought was is this man asking me to give him recommendations so he can take another girl???? But i kept it calm and gave him a few ideas, but eventually when i got home i just couldnt take it anymore and i asked him directly if he was asking ME out on this date or was he planning on taking someone else, he told me he was asking me out on a date 😅 so from now on i just ask more directly when i dont understand what hes trying to tell me, Or i already know his language and way of asking me for things, i also try to build a safe space for him to feel comfortable enough to be a little vulnerable, you have to act very " nonchalant around their ideas they dont like over dramatic expressions 😅

[@MJ-od5sh]

To try and win me back & test the waters , he dipped in by sending me a tik tok of a gorillas . Saying I saw this I know you love Gorillas. Instead of saying hi I miss you I want you back let’s sort this!

[@MO-ss5mj]

Runn

[@tucky3191]

Also helps me understand why my friend was so vague bc it was so frustrating when I couldn’t understand

[@edgreen8140]

They can't be direct. It's like don't waste my time. I will not die if you say no. Tend to be ambivalent and if they aren't working on themselves they are emotional phobic so I usually say what do you think instead of what do you feel. At the extreme narcissistic personality disorder. With a lot of fantasy. Triangulation of you w Mr Perfect ( who doesn't exist). Those who don't do the work are going to live quite unconsciously.

[@SerenityUnMasked]

I've been watching these videos for a few days pretty sure I finally figured out what's wrong. Well, this video seals it. Definitely, this is him. He's driving me crazy. I don't know how he feels 80% of the time.. 20% of the time I'm completely falling in love with him. I'm so confused.

[@jimmorris7260]

Save your heart and stop chasing…

[@alexchong213]

OMG been watching a lot of these DA videos and found the comments really helpful but all have extremely long stories, mainly from people who's suffered heart break

[@vtbhoward]

Was just going through this type of conflict. It's truly frustrating..... Wish the barriers were not there, in order to connect better.

[@sinceroamor]

Omg I’m loving this makes sense I’m lookup DA 6stages

[@coreoflife]

But when they want to disappear, no problem, right? Plans made, they have to know that would be upsetting to the other person...I have patience, but that is disrespectful.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

It is disrespectful. There's a point when their independence routine oversteps into disrespect for the other. They don't care, really. And if you tell them you felt disrespected, they will say you are trying to control them.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@Flagirl1985 It's so uncompromising, right? Almost as if they are terrified of assuming responsibility or of being assertive or demonstrating initiative.

[@kakashifight6907]

Very disrespectful especially if they are dealing with a parent

[@ConnieWobbles]

My sister does this frequently but she's more reactive attachment than pure dismissive. She enjoys fights and has even said that she likes a relationship with a 'bit of a tussle'. I believe she also has some narc traits, and not of the generic pop culture variety you see popularly banded about on social media by people who have never experienced narcissistic behaviour first hand. It's exhausting because it ends up making a small thing into a huge issue because she won't give any clear responses, even when it comes to simple things like what time she's collecting her son from my house or whether or not she wants me to give him dinner before he's collected. All answers are vague and after three or four gentle enquiries whilst stating I'm not trying to pressure her, and that I simply need to know what food I'm preparing or what time he has to be ready, she eventually gets impatient and snaps whilst still not answering the question she's been asked. She lacks any awareness of the fact that she's created this situation by avoiding actually answering the question. Even when after several attempts at the gentle non pressuring techniques I still have no answer, so I don't believe these techniques of being gentle and non pressuring always work. If you're dealing with someone self centred they won't recognise your boundaries or value your time. Often I get ignored as some sort of child like punishment to teach me a lesson for having needs of my own and having dared to make a demand of my own, so I'm deliberately ignored and left to guess. And I don't want my nephew to be blamed or punished for not being ready etc so I'm in a position of being forced to acquiesce to her expectations in order to avoid a row that may impact him. It's very manipulative.

[@mailill]

Sounds horrible! Have you tried saying. Unless you have other plans or tell me clearly that you disagree, which is totally ok of course, this is what I have planned for the day/evening: (And then just tell her your plans for dinner or taking your nephew somewhere and that you will be home so she can pick him up after this or that time)?

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Whew, that's a lot. I agree with the comment above, I'd just communicate clearly what I plan on doing and say: "if you need me to change anything let me know right now, later will be too late. Otherwise, I'll assume this is ok and proceed".

[@shortingthetrend]

My mother is a DA and her exaggerating is so OMG/WTF 😱.... She loves drama but tells you to stop crying if feelings are hurt. I lived on eggshells for 17yrs and when we were homeless she just abandoned me. Two weeks after asking me what I wanted from Carl's Jr I get a text "we moved to Florida". Oh, so she moved and two weeks later surprise! Also, "we bought the house a month ago, we just all didn't tell you"

[@uniquedavenport7232]

Sounds like a narcissist to me

[@NewyJon7787]

My ex put in a lot of effort to disrespect me and make me the bad guy. I feel no need to clear things up with anyone. Letting people be wrong about me is strength.

[@zengemini7656]

So exactly on point! I try to be respectful and say we are not on the same page but he keeps coming back. Cycles 🤦‍♀️🤬

[@wildewildestrawberries]

Thank you per always ♥️

[@thirstykayak246]

It’s a wonder these types don’t modify their behavior for the simple fact of looking around at reality, and seeing that respectful polite people are better liked in life. Just a random impression from a casual observer. 🤔

[@annas8308]

very helpful

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

Lots and lots and lots of patience, compassion. I feel that if you’re a younger person, looking for a future with a husband or wife, kids and a family, this experience is not for u.

[@katkatkat5]

Ain’t that the truth… especially when things are rocky or there was a previous fight.

[@user-j927]

Being this careful constantly about how we word things and what we say seems a bit unfair on the one trying to work with a DA, like the onus is on us constantly. Seems like a lot of effort and turning us into overthinkers, can you truly ever be your authentic self with a DA then, if true authenticity scares them away? "No pressure" does not apply to us, ever!?

[@barbaramascaro6899]

He sent me 2 gifts that said, "Love You", I figured if you feel it, say it! 🤷‍♀️

[@michirista]

My sister is an DA and you don't even know how I hate texting with her specially if is something important ughh 😡 I found my self texting her like 4 times in a same day about an important subject and she the 4 times ignore the subject and answer me with another completely different subject like "how do you see this bag,fancy right?" Oh god I just don't know how to ask in a way that she takes me seriously 😒

[@melinmove]

I've tried to clarify with a DA before and they said one thing but acted in another/changed their mind...

[@juliegalea7720]

I do that but still get left hanging with no firm reply

[@droflivelife]

My ex DA text me yesterday 30 days into no contact angry about a can of food I left there in the past.

[@cha9165]

All DA's do are the things to break your trust in them not the other way round.

[@gail9566]

Be kind to us. We've suffered enough.

[@CoddelSobers]

Be kind to others they have suffered too and continue to suffer with your types 🙃

[@gail9566]

@@CoddelSobers we don't need you.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Boohooo. We all suffered but dont hurt others and work on trauma.

[@tallyspears9717]

No message is the best message from them. They aren’t worth the time or energy.

[@cadilac949]

Does this also count words like suggesting something directly and then not even answering directly? It wasn’t a for sure plan but i was suggesting something that me and him should do and he completely ignored it or left me out of his statement…. Is that count as the same thing? Or ?

[@DeemMeBeautiful]

Smh I go through this every time I suggest we do anything

[@Alice30254]

Thais you always explain so much but then with avoidant exes you jump from signs hes interested to connection( clear conversation about past ) you never discuss if we should initiate or how to go about it. When its months after a breakup woth an avoidant is it a good idea to straight up ask if theyre thinking about wanting to try again?

[@chanellelove4548]

Would This Be The Same Concept From Someone Who’s FA? Im Not Sure If They Lean AP Or DA. I Go Through This Some Indirectness But Mostly Avoiding Questions And Changing The Subject. Im AP You Can Only Imagine How Frustrating And Triggering That Is

[@Be-Eva]

I wonder what is the best way to ask my DA-ex to meet and catch up? Hope to get an answer, but dont want to push him.

[@user-j927]

How can you not let this type of behaviour make you feel a certain way about yourself after a certain amount of time. Even a secure person would struggle - hence why they may choose to leave.

[@karakol86]

I agree. I couldn't put up with this.

[@roberttruman8444]

You can't in the long term. If the avoidant doesn't ever commit to growth and learning secure attachment, then a secure partner will always either walk away, or slowly become insecure.

[@DeemMeBeautiful]

My oh my I can relate to all of these comments!! Is it possible to heal your anxious attachment while dating a DA??

[@7HPDH]

no, run for the hills

[@TheGalilee416]

Nope. You will only frustrate yourself exponentially. Move on

[@joeglenn-hf5he]

Why would anyone choose to live there life, on someone else's terms, avoidance are utterly not worth dealing with

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

I'm in a relationship with a DA he doesn't want to give me compliments because he thinks I'll get a big head. He said " it's such a turn off when you fish for compliments". When I leave ( I'm a travel nurse) he misses me to pieces. However, as soon as I return he says he wants space. Such a mind fuck! When I bring up things and share how I'm feeling he feels I'm putting him down and he is a dick. And yes, I walk on eggshells.

[@kw9801]

I feel for you 😔

[@Gigi-dg9mu]

Crazy the guy i was with said the same thing "if I give you a compliment you will get a big head", that is emotional abuse by withdrawing normal connecting love with words. Its SICK. These men are broken and the longer you stay the more you will feel unloved and it will crush your spirit.

[@rebeccaaprice]

He’s full of shit and hates it if you buy it, he might act like he hates it if you didn’t buy it, but it actually is better for him if you don’t. Just roll your eyes and walk away. He’ll respect you more. Yeah you need some emotional support in that moment, but all he sees is the responsibility of making you feel better, and he is so scared that he would try and fail, that he would rather be the victim than face those odds.

[@tucky3191]

So thorough, easy to understand, and eloquently stated as always. Thank you so much

[@teresaadams7368]

How do I get my ex (da) to respond to my communications? We were the classic da/ap couple who got very close, he broke it off, and then repeated. He said a six month break and I confess I have done so much wrong: called and said the wrong things one night; wrote an apology letter; texted both neutral and longing texts. Is there a way to fix this? I love this man very much and I’m pretty sure he loved/loves me too. There are other factors, such as his health is not good. Thank you

[@r.bishop1127]

Same situation I have. I'm totally ignored now. Gutted. Mine came back 4x in 11 months. I think he is FA/da. I wish I had answers for both of us.

[@vp5134]

All the replies to my msgs were indirect n avoiding the serious questions. How to differentiate between someone who's DA vs someone who's simply not interested?

[@rebeccaaprice]

The DA is always interested- in power. So even if they’re not interested in you, will still be interested in the drug of feeling like they have control. A healthy person, if not interested, will simply tell you and let you go.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I full agree with the speak your truth & it's better to find out now if this relationship has any promise rather than going further into it. What do you all think? :)

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@Flagirl1985 Very nice :)

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@Flagirl1985 Exactly :)

[@ad6417]

Yep I do this. As an avoidant I interpret someone asking if we are still getting together as trying to cancel on me. If I'm vague and indirect they will reconfirm our plans without me having to look weak and needy by asking.

[@pinchecarlos11]

Hey thanks for this insight! I can totally see that actually. Nice to hear that perspective!:)

[@TheCoffeeCat]

I understand your point. But, let's say the other person never asks if you two are still meeting (and so you won't feel like they are trying to cancel). Do you ask? Or does nobody ask and the plan falls apart for lack of confirmation?

[@ad6417]

@@TheCoffeeCat I assume our plans are still on. I don't feel the need to confirm.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Interpret is the wrong word to use here. You assume. Admit that you have issues making negative assumptions about people without knowing how to communicate.

[@ad6417]

@@FM-zg5hz 😳

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

This is my sister, drives me crazy!

[@gutsandgrittv5076]

Well I don’t ask a man if we’re dating. So that’s out.

[@danwilliamson1846]

Yeh she delfects blame shifts cold heartless says she done with me i should move then blocks me 😔

[@mariar3136]

I get indirect posts communication

[@nellie6657]

Same here. It is often passive aggressive and fits our situation to a T. I’m too nervous to ask about it as I am scared he will say it’s not about you or our situation and I will appear to be making wrong assumptions. It’s a hard situation 😢

[@water2chick]

Omg the evasiveness 🤣🤣

[@jenniferpratt9567]

Your plugs in the middle of your videos have poor timing. Why not at the end. Almost 20% of this videos time was used for a plug.

[@potekechu]

Ok... should i get into this relationship or not? Will it be a waste of time if this person has avoidance issues? Is it fixable?

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Do not. They dont love and break your heart

[@Predictable1]

Do not do that to yourself, unless you really need another life lesson.

[@sifublack192]

As a DA, this behavior sounds ridiculous. Is this REALLY a thing cuz I've NEVER done this even when I was at my lowest points. 😂

[@maribethford7105]

Please speak slower, love your videos

[@judithd7236]

It's the most annoying thing they do.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

DA here. 👍.

[@fsfbart]

I think I have a secure attachment style. I also think you're super cute! Let's go get attached together 😄