#466

What’s it like for a man to lose the person at the very center of his life - his wife? Maybe you know firsthand, because you’ve lost a spouse yourself. Or maybe you know a friend or family member who’s a widower, and have wondered what he’s going through and how to help him. Or maybe you’re just curious about what this journey is like, should you, heaven forbid, become a widower one day yourself.
No matter which group you fall into, we could all benefit from understanding more about the journey widower’s take through loss, grief, and the effort to establish a new life.
Here today to walk us through this process is Herb Knoll, who lost his wife himself and has dedicated his life to helping his fellow widowers. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network which provides free advice and resources to men who’ve lost their spouses, and the author of the book The Widower’s Journey. Today on the show, we discuss Herb’s own experience of becoming a widower, how and why he found that there were few resources available specifically focused on helping men deal with the loss of their wives, and how that catalyzed him into creating such resources himself. We then get into the different issues widowers face, including loneliness, isolation, depression, a decline in their own physical health, and poor decision making, and how and why these issues can manifest themselves differently in men than women. Herb also shares tips on what family and friends can do to support a widower in the months after his spouse dies. We then discuss what dating and marriage is like for a widower, including when the time is right to start dating again and how to handle a second marriage with kids, both financially and psychologically.
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[@sarahkennedy1481]

I would never want a widower to forget his wife or remove all traces. I would expect him to love us both.

[@johnkeith2450]

Obviously you've never experienced being seen and treated as 2nd best.

[@sarahkennedy1481]

Life is complex. Few decent people. Most just go for looks soo shallow.

[@kirkb2286]

I lost my wife of 32 years 1 week ago…I can tell you as far as I’m concerned there is no way I’ll be able to “forget “ her ! However the only way I will ever remarry would be because I am committed and love my new wife. She would not be second best.

[@MomJeans2]

Lost my wife on the 15th at 37. Randomly searched "widower" and found this. Just ordered the book.

[@Wookinpanub235]

Has the book been helpful?

[@SophisticatedBob]

Just bought the book. Looking forward to reading it. Lost my wife to a 16 year battle with brain cancer, the last year of which I was her fulltime caregiver. You'd think there was enough time to do everything, say everything, and there was some of that. But no, it's still a total shock to the system.

[@markbeede1416]

I totally relate... something I've struggled with for these last eight years; this is the first video and talk in real terms I have found from a man's perspective. I'm sure much of this video women may also relate to, but for me, it has been so good to find someone who speaks to my reality of widowerhood, especially at my age and present place in life.

[@InAuOb]

I lost my wife after 50 years of marriage. She was my high school sweetheart. We had just moved to a new small town when her health took a serious downturn. I was a EMT in the past - could always turn off emotions... until now. It's hard to find words to describe the emptiness & pain.

[@Wookinpanub235]

How are you doing Brother? I have a very similar story and it has been 4 months since she passed. My Daughter just had her third baby the other day on my Wife’s birthday which was very special as it was the first birthday without my wife oir anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. Very hard month for me. Haven’t talked to any professional counselors because I’m stubborn and don’t feel real comfortable talking to strangers but I’m not getting any help from family or the friends I still have left other than “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” Which to me means “Good luck pal, and don’t bother me cause I have my own problems.”

[@adriennevanstaden9460]

2 and a half years widow and my heart goes out to widowers....woman go on easier but the loss is loss....man or woman....Those who have not experienced this loss has no clue what one goes through.....love all the talks on these 2 subjects.

[@cindysmith4893]

I recently started dating a widower who lost his wife of 37 years to cancer 4 years ago. This was very helpful in understanding what he has gone thru emotionally and how I can be supportive and empathetic in our realtionship.

[@kirkb2286]

I lost my wife one week ago today and believe it or not someone has already told me to find another partner. Absolutely unbelievable…….

[@Wookinpanub235]

I thought the same thing but Im at week 2 myself and really wishjng for the gentle company of a Woman if only to talk and get to know eachother. These quiet , lonely nights are rough for someone who has always had a companion.

[@robertfreestone414]

I completely understand. I tell people that the vows don't say "next" after " 'til death do you part". And this is the ONLY widower discussion on KZbin.

[@anthonyrobert9050]

Going on 3 years as a widower, the first 2 years was hell... I ran, drowned myself in booze and drugs. I thank you for this, shows me I don't have to do this alone.

[@wizardofahhhs759]

I'm running the same race right now.

[@richardthomas2653]

My wife passed away on 1/2/2024 in our home from a heart attack. I witnessed her last breath. The regrets and guilt are overwhelming, I am so lonely but only for her. God bless my wife Marcy, i miss her so much.

[@dodgeman338]

I'm sorry to hear that sir how old was she

[@richardthomas2653]

Thank you dodgeman, she was 65 we were married for 44 years. She was a Type 1 diabetic for 62 years, she never gave up.

[@Wookinpanub235]

How you doing man? The PTSD from these events are no joke. It at the 4 month mark and I thought it was getting better until it wasn’t. Everyone disappears and even good friends ghost you. It sucks.

[@wizardofahhhs759]

I am a widower of only 2 months. My attitude MAY change years from now but I had the best, if I ever decide to date/marry again the next woman has some mighty big shoes to fill.

[@Wookinpanub235]

Any luck with the ladies? I’m sure you have some stories about your interactions while trying to rediscover yourself as I have. For the most part all the action I’ve had has been turning down desperate single moms , un attractive divorced coworkers that my Wife worked with , getting weird smiles and stares from ladies at grocery stores and comments from aggressive college girls. Also had a couple conversations with some single women my age that i had lots in common with bit too bad they weren’t attractive at all. One was very overweight and the other was grossly skinny and just wasn’t very attractive but her personality was incredible.

[@wizardofahhhs759]

@@Wookinpanub235 Same. I get plenty of looks but like you said, they're unattractive and I'm really not interested in women my age mainly because they have kids and other baggage like ex husbands and boyfriends. Honestly I haven't really been looking but there are plenty of divorced and single women looking for a man to fix their problems. I'm just not interested in any of that.

[@Wookinpanub235]

@@wizardofahhhs759 Yeah…same here 100%. I have several divorced black females customers of mine that want my ass so bad but theres only one I would consider because shes attractive, professional, has a great job but I like her ex husband too much as they werent divorced when I first met them and he and I hit it off immediately as he was former military and starting to get into guns and suprisingly didnt know too much about them so I gave him some good info on how to set up his rig. Don’t need him coming after me….lol.

[@Finnswife3]

As a widow, 16 mos, I found this to be an interesting perspective. Much I already knew but if nothing else, it helped to reaffirm what the guys are going through.

[@ohforthelove74]

Good LORD. I have to order this book. I'm three months into this and he already nailed several things. I'm not being self abusive but the silence thing, my god. I had Sam the cooking guy on all day yesterday for EXACTLY the reason he stated, zero drama/emotional manipulation. If I didn't have a dog to distract me and make me smile I think I'd be in really bad shape. I don't know how people do this without an animal. Also I'd point out when I searched for videos relating specifically to being a widower about 98 percent of the result were for women dating a widower, not for men. Really gross titles too. "Dating a widower? How to get him to COMMIT!"

[@danielboshears6474]

It’s a very helpful book, and went a long way toward helping me after I lost my wife of 31 years at the age of 58 to Early Onset Alzheimer’s. I’m 16 months into this unwanted journey…What he says about isolation is absolutely true…it’s horribly corrosive, and should be avoided at all costs.

[@madmoe4]

I lost my wife of 36 years 3 weeks ago to ovarian cancer. I knew it was coming but it didn’t help. I was there when she died, I’m glad I was but I wish I wasn’t. I’ll never be able to unsee that event and it haunts me.

[@Wookinpanub235]

Same here. The thing that gets me through is the fact that she is no longer feeling that pain and she is definitely being rewarded far greater than I can ever imagine.

[@madmoe4]

@@Wookinpanub235 I agree, and that is what helps me in my grief.

[@Wookinpanub235]

@@madmoe4 Yeah. The empty house and rainy day really got me down today. Ive been thinking about a woman my wife told me I should marry when she passes. At the time I didnt want to hear it but today I was wishing that lady would have shown up at my doorstep.

[@cynthiataylor8609]

I am a therapist and I was looking for resources for gentleman. There aren't many. This podcast spoke to me. I hope it speaks to him. Men and woman are not the same...

[@pietrosergeant2426]

What do you mean??

[@dwaynedonald2939]

Hello Cynthia

[@geraldofsanko]

So informative to me ,80 year old widower , married for 48 years

[@tharanmanning7868]

I'm also a widower I lost my wife 5 years ago to renal disease due to diabetes and my wife was on dialysis for 12 years and we had a good marriage we were married for 23 years and I did my best taking care of her.

[@jj.1412]

Estate Planning @44:20 "70% of Americans have less than 10K" to fall back on in times of crisis- financial literacy is not well taught here in North America. Losing a partner, especially right now, can put you in a dire situation. From my struggling young widow perspective- do plan for the worst. Enjoyed the podcast. Glad to hear your services are free, amazing.

[@Wookinpanub235]

Interesting video. I made a heartfelt comment here 2 weeks after my wife died, not one reply in 4 months. Great interview, probably the best Ive heard yet but it’s obvious this channel needs more exposure and tending from the OP. Not even one comment saying damn dude , you’re among Brothers here.

[@carolsambury7023]

Wow found this blog so interesting …… thanks for posting am sure many widowers will find this helpful

[@Yenski]

Wonderful interview. Thank you.

[@freedom7146]

Here is a fact, Bearevement care is not a Healthcare issue. Most of the time you have to seek out grief support groups in your own communities.

[@minimcewen]

Thank you for this information. I lost my wife of 30 years last month unexpectedly. I'm getting the book tonight.

[@redrzr56]

Prepare yourself, things will get very difficult soon. The first 30 days were a blurr. The second 30 days, the reality begins to set in. The third 30 days get very dark. I'm at 105 days. Reach out, we're all in this together guys.

[@adriennevanstaden9460]

So happy to hear talks for men too.

[@ericjennings5041]

Great content, being a widower for just 3 months, thanks

[@redrzr56]

You doing OK?

[@nikk94boiboi43]

Lost my wife last month we were married for 7 years and I can't stand being lonely I hate it I try to just keep busy taking extra shifts and everything just trying not to think about it. I'm only 28. I have a lot of ups and downs some days good some days bad.

[@thomaspurvey]

Spot On with Everything.

[@robertfreestone414]

Not sure how my sentiment will be received, but my commitment to my late wife (7-30-23) will never end because its symbol, the wedding ring, is a circle, which never ends.

[@juliekawuba2093]

This is an eye opening discussion for me. I've never imagined widowers get any emotional issues. God forgive me. I've been widowed for 7 years but I devote lots of time to visiting widows in their deepest grief. I've never visited a widower! In my mind, I keep thinking he only needs to marry a young lady and move on. Now I know better.

[@CICMCB]

Please help me understand why would you think about widowers not having similar grief issues as a widow?

[@sarahkennedy1481]

Sorry to hear. Lovely attitude

[@lenandcindypresley....4830]

We all have your book widowers journey in our men's grief group. 20 + guys mostly 60 years old or so. Very good book. I've also mentioned your book on my utube channel. " my widowers journey by len presley" Thank you you helping all of us...God bless...🙏🕊

[@markhaselkorn2929]

I lost my wife in September 2024. She slowly died over a 10 year period of MSA. I was with her until her last breath. I have 4 children all over 40 and one son living 800 miles away is angry that I have a woman in my life. He will not talk to me. I am 80 in good health and my lady friend is healthy and 61. I’m happy and have no guilt or regrets. I’m sad that my son is angry with me

[@bdalen]

I retired at 70 years old in September of 2018 My wife died in October of that year. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in December of that year. In October of 2020 I had a quadruple bypass surgery. Now I am 73 years old and so confused about what I should do with the next 10 to 15 years (or longer). I don’t know how to be alone! I have a Harley Davidson and don’t even ride anymore.

[@bdalen]

I think it is important to know that my wife had MS for the 42 years that we were married so I was a caregiver for the last 20 years of our marriage.

[@justjoy7194]

I have the same problem, took care of my Husband of 35 years, for the past five years from cancer, than covid took him away from me, I'm almost 69 and no one to cook and take care of, it's so hard to be alone, I am very sorry for your lost.

[@majortree]

@@bdalen I understand, Robert. I lost my wife in 2016 after she struggled 32 years with MS. She required intensive caregiving the last 15 years or so. Her life ended, the caregiving ended. Even though it's been 6 years now, I still feel like I'm fumbling round in a dark room. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you're doing okay.

[@vmax1399]

Get back on the bike if you can similar situation to yourself just a boy 69 I also ride a Harley one I've got is the bobber with drag bars I love it because it's like riding a vintage bike, just tried taking out thing over 85 mph the tries to kill you even if you clean it change the oil also if you do more than hundred miles it wants to break your back or have I just gone soft .I had a wonderful wife 47 years very ill the last 8 bed bound the last 4 years I'm proud to say I was able to take care of her. I don't know also what to do I guess I've got to try and fix myself because I'm still in bits normally to make yourself useful you first have to be useful to yourself I'm also worried about my son's thinking that well and it's a bit soon isn't it but in terms of a physical marriage that stopped about years 10 ago because when people really ill not decent have to have any relations where she had no desire because of infirmity we still loved each other Then you've got will Mr Johnson wake up again he's been asleep for a while I also had a heart attack but mine was milder than yours no I just had two stents then you have to consider yourself what happens if your new love becomes infirmed also how long will it take to bond.My wife was my girlfriend for 4 years and then we got married total of 52 years I wouldn't be comfortable just flicking about date here take there dating a couple of women and making a choice ..Wouldn't want that being done the same to me no wonder you're confused so am I. All things considering probably looks like keeping the Harley getting a dog I'm leave the sleeping Mr Johnson sleeping going to be less complicated that way. Don't go to church l pray every day I thank the lord Jesus for granted My Prayer and let him my wife Slip Away gently after many years terrible pain .I think anyone in this situation needs to be kind to yourself.l do a few press ups each day and run up a hill. It is possible to build up slowly. Good luck.

[@wendysullivan1909]

I lost my husband 15 months ago,took care of him the last 10 years. Was waiting for a heat transplant.covid did him in.but I will say, when you can do what you love doing because that is what they would want you to do. You are left behind but are still in this world. I learned one thing I am alone but not lonely if I can get up each day I made it.thanks world I'm still here. Not perfect,but here.😊

[@sarahkennedy1481]

Amazing married men cannot cope whereas single women have to do all and cope and yet when mentioning they want to be married told they have God and all they need....I am confused.😢

[@sarahkennedy1481]

I personally find it astounding that men after the loss of their wife should be seen to move on. After splitting-up with a boyfriend of 7 years I grieved 4 years and after 5 years about a year.

[@paularodriguez9068]

Im all olone 84 year old no baddy talk to me im women.

[@Ice_wolf2k]

How am I the only one that commented

[@TankExplosion22]

Because he used to make good content, and now he makes...this.

[@yellowballoon4143]

@@TankExplosion22 This is great content, apart of being a true man. This is no joke and I am thankful that he did this and shared it with his followers.

[@TankExplosion22]

@@yellowballoon4143 in all fairness I guess I should point out that I didn't watch the video. He certainly doesn't reach nearly as many people as he used to, and not everyone survives the jump to a podcast. I personally like his old content, as I have too many podcasts to listen to now.

[@oMAJIK216]

Hi anyone know what the Facebook page for men only is?

[@justjoy7194]

@@oMAJIK216 Widows or Widowers - Home | Facebook I found that link for you, good luck now.

[@ParisianThinker]

Very immature widower with children. Obviously he is ignorant of what lawyers can do for him in a living trust. No one wants your problems you are responsible for solving yourself.

[@johndodd6492]

Didn't watch all the video - it seemed to be just a protracted advertisement for his book. Perhaps that's why nobody much commented.

[@CalvinGomes]

Doesn't sound like you did. It was good.