5 Dating Boundaries For Anxious Preoccupieds To Find Lasting Love | Benefits Of Boundaries

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In this video, I talk about 5 dating boundaries required for anxious preoccupieds to set if they wish to find lasting love.
Ever feel like you have it all together except for when it comes to dating? Why do you think setting boundaries is necessary when connecting meaningfully?
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[@alanajoyal]

1- strong sense of identity. they’re not especially agreeable, have their own opinion, ideas. Know themselves, know what they like and don’t. You’re ok as an individual, and being different. The other won’t feel like they’re going to have to support you. 2- short dates. Da and fa will feel like you’re expecting a lot and want to distance. 3- aware of financial boundaries. ap might pay for things outside their comfort, this is a form of self abandonment, violates boundaries by overspending. Don’t make your worth about things. 4- vet the other. Don’t people please. Know what you’re looking for. Don’t just try to win them. 5- know your time boundaries. How you want to spend your time. How much time you want to spend with them. Do things that are comfortable and right for you.

[@sethtenrec]

1&4 seem very similar

[@A22208]

I am honoring myself and standing in MY TRUTH. So NO i will not accept your 1x/day text messages after work/AT 9PM or your excuses that you are too busy. That does not make me feel wanted or valued. Im in medicine and am constantly with patients. People look at their phones every 2 to 3 hrs. People make time for people they care about and want to be with. You have fear/da? Either talk about it or figure it out. Im not here to be toyed with with an amazing weekend one weekend and then gone the next. NO. Thats on you not on me but im here to help if you communicate. We are "exclusive but not bf/gf"? Fuck that. NO. I deserve to be honored and cherished just like you are. So NO. NO NO NO NO. I want someone interested in me and shows it and pursues it and omg im so glad i found you cuz i am worth it. Not constantly be judging me or looking for a way out or not communicating or being honest or build connection. NO. I refused to walk on eggshells or be in a relationship where i constantly feel abandoned and fearful that they are going to change their minds and leave. NO. My heart cant take it. It's too disregulating and wrecks my mind and nervous system. Gtfo out of my life

[@FrankM]

"Im in medicine and am constantly with patients. People look at their phones every 2 to 3 hrs. People make time for people they care about and want to be with." If you are with patients constantly, are you saying you can't look at your phone the whole day?

[@A22208]

@@FrankM im saying if i can make time, so can someone else. People can text at their lunch time or after work or connect in the evenings (early stages of dating). Ive dated teachers who cant look at their phones, and ceos who are in meetings, and they find time to connect 3-4x/day when it is the dating stage. It makes me feel like important to them and im on their mind

[@Katrica670]

@@A22208 what do you mean you are in medicine?

[@ninac7117]

That’s SO me! Everything you said here 👏🏼🎬

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

Thank you for this comment, I really needed to read this right now. I have been with what I now know is a DA person (I am AP) long distance for 7 months now. First 3 or 4 months were great (with some occasional "huh?" moments and red flags sprinkled in...) and then the past few months, he has been withdrawing from the relationship more and more while maintaining that everything is fine and that he loves me very much. Nowadays we don't talk nearly as much as we used to and he is usually with friends n stuff. He knows my anxious tendencies but he either doesn't care or doesn't have the capacity to care or it clashes with his viewpoint of the world because we can never seem to compromise. I don't think i'm a hard person to please at all but when I get inconsistent messages/love as you said, and one day we laugh and do stuff together and do sexual things and the next day theres no messages or I ask to do a quick call before bedtime (because I like to hear his voice and feel connected) and he immediately just says "tomorrow" and appears offline in that moment, thats just a slap in my face and makes me feel so terrible. And of course it drives my anxiety crazy because I can see hes still online on other online platforms so I then have to wonder whats really going on and just wish he would tell me things instead of getting them in bits and pieces. Hes constantly on his pc and phone so I know he gets my messages, I know he can make time for me if he wants, but as you said, its just randomly hot and cold and as a sensitive INFP person that is AP, and him being a blunt DA and an ENTJ, we are literally opposites and I know people will probably just say "move on then" but I love him so much, I just wish things could have worked out. This is like loving someone then slowly losing them to something over the course of a few months, its so painful

[@BrettWoodPiano]

I subscribed 4 months ago largely because of my FA ex. The breakup really has brought out my anxious side and this video really resonated with me! Fortunately I am in a spot where I can get the lifetime PDS membership...just signed up!

[@sophiafara5997]

Dear Thais, thank you so much for all the efforts you put into your school. This content is remarkable. You give us blueprints of what healthy looks like and this is so key because often there was no healthy model. This video in particular made me emotional, giving me lots of hope. Blessings to you and the entire community!

[@Katrica670]

@Sophia Fara awwww. I know I wish I knew this long time ago but it's weird when I did the quiz it says I'm predominantly secure, then anxious, however I am thinking back to the beginning of my 4 yr "relationship ", other 4 yr "relationship", and 5 yr "relationship. They all started out with me not caring (did healing work and not excited about having a bf) at that point I was probably secure FA. They were probably AP, me an FA, then I became an AP in the end. And 2 became a DA at the end of the 4 yrs, and 5 yrs, but the other 4 yr one was a DA within the 1st month and a half or so.

[@sophiafara5997]

@@Katrica670 It's so interesting isn't it how the dynamics can shift, I think it goes to show us that we are beautiful creations capable of experiencing the entire spectrum of emotions/behaviors and there are so many growth opportunities available to us. Thanks so much for sharing this :)

[@Katrica670]

@@sophiafara5997 you are so welcome please read the part in the brackets for better context.

[@bzarb14]

This is so tough for me .....I have had women say that I’m too agreeable. Look if you say we are going to eat seafood and jump out of planes well then no I’m not down for that but I like lots of things. If you say hey do you want to do this then yea 90% of the time I’m going to say yes....not because I want to kiss your butt, I just am that easy going. Who thought that would be annoying to people...now I say no just to say no...it’s kind of ridiculous.

[@zaria5785]

The thing that is most attractive is when a man can ask me questions about why I like that activity or how I got into it because there’s a shared conversation and it makes me feel like they’re getting to know me instead of just wanting an experience they can have with their guy friends or random people like on a Meetup group. So I think the more curiosity the better if asked in person as I’ve personally discovered that by text or over the phone it can sound like an interrogation. To clarify maybe the messaging that was being sent to you being “too agreeable” is that it may come off as desperation. Whereas saying “I just like spending time with you” it makes them feel special. Be prepared to be comfortable in who you are with others but communicating it is key. It shows self awareness and confidence. Hope that helps.

[@Sarafara7]

I was once turned off by a man who agreed to do everything I want to do. It did feel like he was trying to please me and I didn’t like it. Maybe you suggest a place to go next time? Or if your date suggests a place you can say “how about xyz?” I hope that helps. But also, if you are an easy going guy, that’s a good quality and you will find someone that meshes with you well. Don’t necessarily change yourself, but maybe experiment by doing something a bit different and see what happens.

[@Core.soul.frequency_]

You wouldn't get this feedback for being easygoing. This is feedback that they are not sensing a separate identity in you.

An amazing resource to combat people pleasing and refine your own identity is "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura. He talks about his failures in dating because of how agreeable he and also many other people pleasing topics. It's a wonderful audio workbook, it changed my life.

[@swinkie34]

We need to hook up! 😂

[@Freyasdragon]

Getting over the fear of not being excepted‼️‼️‼️ This.

[@michaelr3025]

That financial boundary is a good one to remember. I've been burned by that (nothing major but still a lesson learnt). With long early dates, I'd offer that if both happily engage, it can be OK. With a DA, my first date was 8 hours and the second one a week later similar. We simply enjoyed the time together and found a lot to talk about. It was only a lot later when the the DA started to feel overwhelmed. We have done many full day outings and enjoyed it - but now I know to regulate my AP intensity and give the DA a lot more space, also when we are out.

[@eloise3280]

Ugh, dating...and currently self sabotaging like this! Thank you for giving the boundaries and covering more than one life area! I appreciate how you bring it back to the self, so that action can be taken. Your experience and expertise is so valuable! 🙏

[@jerri2005]

You are being so helpful. I think I'm going to write down things I like, hobbies, music, etc so when people ask me, I have confidence in my responses

[@couch_philosoph3325]

I am an fa and i used to always be the one in relationships, hyperfocusing on my partners needs. I have now been more or less single for a year, loosly dating people, but not going out of my way. I feared that i was getting too cold. But i took the attachment quiz again. I got 69% secure. I can get very deep and volunerable with people. It's just that now my life and my peace and quit comes first.

[@daniellechikavanga2067]

Well done ! Hope to be like you soon

[@section9999]

Interesting. Has that helped you secure a meaningful long term relationship? I'm also a recovering FA but still very much an FA and i have zero interest in casual dating. Either I've found the right person or I haven't. I don't want to have to foster shallow relationships that aren't going to lead to anything. But then when i do encounter somebody I'm all in which always seems to blow up in my face. Do the shallow relationships make it easier to hold back? I'm still trying to understand this counter-intuitive idea of needing to hold back when you finally found what you were looking for.

[@anothercat9600]

Very grateful for this clip! I've been on both sides of this, but mostly the anxious side.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I think once someone feels the pain on a big level of people pleasing and not getting what they want, that helps them get back to who they really are. Thoughts? :)

[@sophiafara5997]

Yes, pain has led me to surrender destructive habits/mindsets.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@sophiafara5997 I hear you Sophia :)

[@erin9243]

Yes definitely. Sometimes that’s the ONLY thing that can inspire a positive change

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@erin9243 I agree Erin :)

[@HustleHabit]

I was just thinking this before I read your comment... Prolonged pain is more pain overall than just the short-term pain from a tough decision.

[@vandal280]

Number one about your sense of self just makes me think of the Runaway Bride where she changed the kind of eggs she liked based on who she was dating

[@rsamuels6969]

Lol my therapist told me to watch that movie just to see the part about the eggs!

[@jessicamorales2555]

Great advise! And somehow, there was a great improvement in the sound of this video, that I was able to fully follow through. English is not my mother's language and as much as I love Thais recommendations, I usually face challenges listening well. Thanks a lot for your generous advise.

[@gogohappygirl]

Something else you said in this video gave me a great idea for another video, though. Can you please do a video from the perspective of all the attachment styles as to the ideal length of a date in the different stages of a relationship?

[@1opticon]

Love your channel. Thanks for what you do.

[@russd3029]

Boundary 4 as it relates to trait variety from what we as AP's bring to the table. After all this time I had never seen the relationship dynamic from this perspective....🤯!! Thais, thank you so much. I've identified what I like about a DA but my AP side does what it does but this idea just opened this process for me as much as anything has.

[@H09800]

That’s great information and accurate.

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

It's so interesting cuz I was on the other side of this where the other person was people pleasing and not communicating their needs and boundaries were and then was filled with guilt if they had to cancel or whatnot and did not have the capacity to have the uncomfortable conversations and eventually we went from super hot to ghosting so... that's that. Unlike other times though, I realize this isn't a reflection of me but of their shortcomings and incapacity to handle mature conversations

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Did they ghost?

[@sebbo3863]

I try (and often fail) to think that its more a reflection of their current position in life, relative to their past experiences, and to some degree their personality or temperment. Its the current point they're at, in both learning about, and addressing their trauma, sense of self, self-esteem, maladaptive attachment styles, etc. it takes into consideration them as an individual, who has a history of experiences and feelings. Its more compassionate.

[@Stevie_jr]

This is so me I haven’t found the Queen I been dreaming of 😢

[@Michelle-qq4sd]

Loved it! 😊

[@karenhinton99]

What a great video!!

[@UFOtonight]

I think you only listed four boundaries here!

[@jesserhawkins]

Such a great video today, especially for an AP like me! 💁🏻‍♂️ So I just joined the school. What is the dating course titled? Can’t see to find it when I search for it.

[@rsamuels6969]

Not sure if you found it yet- but it’s in the webinar section! I had the same question! If you type in dating it will come right up

[@jesserhawkins]

@@rsamuels6969 Oh awesome! That helped me find it so thank you!

[@rsamuels6969]

@@jesserhawkins no problem! There’s actually another one today (I just got the email) on dating at 2pm EST!

[@00Ori999IyaOlohmayakun]

I have noticed I intimidate women they get the hint when they see me do my dance

[@anothercat9600]

Also I think us anxious women are afraid to ask him out for third date, so we plan, lose tonnes of energy, think, mindboggle to make him ask us out. Then we feel invested. Which is weird because on dates women are winners, in texting or early sex, men are the winners. Secure women probably just ask him out, no worries.

[@section9999]

Can you please make a video on the difference between people pleasing and wanting to be a good partner? It just seems like if you want to commit to somebody, then you commit to that person right? Trying to reconcile this idea that men don't want to commit with the fact that some of us do but that's seen as problematic too. How can I make it clear that this isn't something I do with anybody else. Maybe it comes off initially as not having boundaries or not believing in myself but if I've already vetted her I have no problem standing up to anybody that will threaten me or my potential partner from a "survival" standpoint. For anyone else its easy to draw hard lines in the sand but with your partner isn't it supposed to be like the two of you are a unit? Is that ride-or-die kind of thing just pure fantasy? I'm just trying to understand how to be acceptable as my authentic self which tends to be all or nothing and if I need to potentially lower my standards if they are unrealistic.

[@Katrica670]

@2:17 oh really? Some people seem to love agreeable people that agree with everything they think, and like everything they like. 👀🧐🤔

[@thehealingfairee]

Those people aren't healthy and it doesn't work in the long term

[@Katrica670]

@@thehealingfairee you're right! Think narcs! 😱🤢🤮😷🤒🤧

[@erin9243]

Yes , emotional predators love people like this !!

[@cryptointegrations9854]

I love you and you are my life and I love this video you are the best and I love you as you are always so sweet no matter what you do you are the best 🥰🤩😍😃❤️🫶😎😊👍😘☺️🤗

[@FrankM]

So if a 5 hour date is too long, then what would be a better length of time?

[@primerdimers]

Thais refers this in early dating with fa and da, 1-2h is sufficient imo

[@ASTROJJEN]

What does it mean if you are attracted to intensity at the beginning of a relationship?

[@Minimeowzilla]

I can't find the dating mastery course :/

[@sunflowerpower642]

This is becoming ridiculous. Unless I’m being harmed it’s asking too much for me to say no just to say it. We are becoming too self aware. Ppl have too many boundaries. People are too rigid. It’s not fluid. I hate this

[@savingsarah9456]

Ohhh number three nailed me hard. I'm learning not to do this anymore.

[@gogohappygirl]

Normally I love your videos, but I just have to say as someone who permanently walks with a limp, I didn’t appreciate the analogy of somebody limping as being a threat… Not a great analogy for those of us watching with disabilities. I absolutely get what you were trying to say, I just think you could’ve used a better analogy. Haha, yes I’m actually FA leaning AA and I fully realize my defective cour wound just got activated here. 🤣