Top 10 Signs You Have An Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style | Thais Gibson & Attachment Styles

[@tucky3191]

Thank you so much for reminding us that this is a trauma response and not a weakness in character. So helpful

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad this was helpful for you :)

[@dannycolwell8028]

I wish I could vent and get advice from this woman for 3 hours in person 😂

[@brookelight2090]

I found once you like someone, the attachment starts to kick in. The relationship doesn’t have to go into full blossom, which is hot and cold trauma bond, APs are already hooked. Even it’s in the early stage, once avoidant leave, I’m devastated.

[@MZSINCE89]

I relate to every single point and I can confidently say It is exhaustinggggg being this way.

[@Sarafara7]

I used to think my intuition is excellent - turns out I’m just hyper vigilant about signs that someone is pulling away. This hurts me so much when dating cause it’s like I almost wait for them to pull away, it’s expected. It really sucks. I wanna heal quickly cause this isn’t fun lol but I know it’s going to take time :/

[@joansandeen9443]

Absolutly the most helpful information i have ever received totally explaining how i act and interpret things in life. I wish id discovered this information sooner now that i am older. Thais is so knowldgeable and explains my attachment style so well. Its encouraging to know that this AP style can be changed. Being an AP is so emotionally painful in dealing with treasured people in my life. Thank you so much, Thais! What a blessing you are to so many.

[@lenaedstrom6834]

I hope there will be a corresponding video for the secure attachment style - to know what to aim for. ☺️

[@amethystap5053]

I'm so glad I found this video because this sounds like me.😭 It's so great learning that this is all a trauma response that can be relearned and not a character flaw. This has been a major struggle with me and my partner.

[@ZhengSW]

This is a great summary video for everyone who is an AP that hasn't watched any of Thais's other AP videos. It's so painful to realize that our attachment style stems from bad parenting. It's so hard to not resent your parents for not being there for you. I think that's why it's so important to not have a child if you're not going to be there for them.

[@brookelight2090]

I feel your pain. It would be beneficial if Thais could explain attachment style towards parenting.

[@ZhengSW]

@@brookelight2090 With every bit of knowledge I gained from attachment theory, I link it back to how my parents treated me while they were raising me. It makes perfect sense how I became an AP. At least we know how to properly parent children after we heal from our attachment trauma.

[@frappalina]

true but let's remember that parents are just human and they often have to deal with their own trauma. we are all wounded and often some of us don't have the chance to heal before having children... nowadays there is a lot of mental health awareness but at the time of our parents it was different. i feel like to be alive even though i was not raised in the best circumstances :)

[@zaria5785]

I agree it is a great summary video. The best healing for me happened when I took a child development course. I wanted to be a teacher but didn’t know what age group. So I started with an intro class and it was the best gift because I truly learned how parenting affects children and managed to forgive my parents for their ignorance and their own limited time in building a strong bond with me because my country was in the middle of a war. They were in survival mode and the best they could do for their children was find safety. But as adults we have come to build that bond I was seeking as a child, teen, young adult who needed attention, affection and direction.

[@michaelr3025]

I feel way too exposed! So many of these points hit directly home, to the bulls eye. While in the last few months I've stabilised as a much more secure, the AP triggers shake it every now and then (latest this afternoon). It's really sad to realise how it all stems first from our experiences through the childhood and - for me - from adult relationships, too. Lot of tears, disappointments, forgiveness, and huge amount of re-parenting has gone into this year and will go on for loooooong...

[@EdinamDean]

Thank you for this video. Every step described me to a scary precision level.

[@Sodapoppy147]

Hi Thais, can you please talk about the difference between introverted APs and extroverted APs? Thank you for all the work you do!

[@briellegatenby3850]

wow everything listed i have, so nice to hear that others have this too, thank you and love how you say it's from trauma not a weakness

[@MyHeadHurts32]

I love watching your videos. You are very calming and it's easy to connect to you

[@edgreen8140]

You should do a video on narcissistic triangulation. People may be secure but feel like ap in that situation.

[@yellowlavenders]

This! It took me nearly two years to realise I was actually quite secure (with some insecure traits) because the narcissistic triangulation was so insidious and less often talked about.

[@a.r.8954]

It was two people with narcissistic tendencies that turned me from nearly secure with some FA tendencies to an absolutely anxious mess with PTSD, so yes this is a very real phenomenon. Manipulation and abuse can absolutely damage even the strongest psyche.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Should I really bother with all this, when my dog loves me unconditionally ???

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Thank you Thais. It sounds like im definitely AP,but also FA & possibly some others. Im pretty sure ill be joining your school in the near future. You are a hugely good thing a blessing. I can't think of too much more important for me then to try deeply understand the knowledge you are sharing & teaching.

[@cloudslady3400]

As someone who was Ap...i would say that you picked up the "clinging" trauma response cause it worked!...you saw that being needy is a useful way to get your needs met my parents used to set those intense rules and when i cling more and more they finally give in and meet my needs so that made me think "if someone is rejecting me...clinging will work" but after i fell in love with a da person and all these clinging strategies did not work and only made things worse i changed forever...so i guess finding the reason why clinging is harmful and addressing some of the situations where being overly needy and codependent got you in trouble is a very crucial exercise!....

[@henrikandreason7261]

Really dislike being an AP. But it has gotten better through the years but it is hard work with a lot of reprogramming, but I have learnt that working out and exercising is first and foremost the best option, along with journaling. Then hobbies after that.

[@roshalllambert]

I loved this series!

[@lmac0003]

This is me to a T. I am shocked snd have so much hope, especially since I’m in somatic therapy releasing trauma.

[@angelanoah8198]

At the end of the video, you mentioned that Anxious Preoccupied style usually attract emotionally unavailable people. Can you explain this a bit more? Thank you!!

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

The exclusion one hits me... I am an AP and my girlfriend left me for my best friend in 2017, they started doing more things together while I was at work and then just left me. And before I got together with my current DA partner (didn't know what attachment theory was before then), I was supposed to hang out with him and a mutual friend that I also introduced him to, I guess they also liked each other and it turns out they abandoned me for a few hours to do something sexual with each other. The three of us did experiment a couple times with being open to that type of stuff together but I guess they wanted to do something together and they just left me in the dark about it and even though I had the feeling in the back of my mind that something like that was happening (it was absolutely horrible and I felt abandoned and also jealous but I also just had no idea what was happening), the next day my current partner told me they just did some stuff together. I never really let it go because I hold on to things but its in the past now and I told my partner I still think about it sometimes and he said he didn't mean to hurt me, it was before we got together but there is a time and a place for it and doing it right before I was supposed to be with them and also leaving me out really hurt... And yet I told him I liked him, we had a great relationship during the honey moon phase, and now hes withdrawn completely and its liked I watched someone I love die in front of my eyes. In reality I know I am seeing the real him now, and I also know how badly my anxious tendencies can come out. Its been a painful learning experience. Maybe one day I will becomes more secure and find a secure person if the stress doesn't kill me. I'm almost 30 and I am bisexual

[@MOON-pe4jm]

I believe I'm anxious preoccupied but I don't activate. I deactivate. Because I been in very toxic relationships and I learned hiding my emotions and creating space is safer for me.

[@brookelight2090]

Are you turning into FA if you deactive?

[@nightfury4333]

Can u be a mix of anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant?

[@royrobins8458]

Thank you for the work you have done. Constructive feedback: perhaps you could slow down in your communication and allow for a pause in between ideas. You may want to listen to how many “UM” filler words you tend to use. I offer this in a kind and caring way.

[@benjaminpilgrim5448]

Thank you so much for your channel 🙏

[@Tam438]

Thanks Thais 🙏

[@RRthee1]

I didn’t realize there are different types of APs.

[@brookelight2090]

I’m AP and it is always near death experience whenever someone leave me. I managed to not chase after but I still devastated inside. There is no cure.

[@TimMillernapavalleyfilmworks]

I’m so sorry Brooke 😢

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

I go through the same thing brooke. The worst part is that its very real but people make light of it or tell you to chill out, they don't know its a serious horrible feeling and that they can do a few key things to help out a lot. There are people out there that do care and will work with you, we just have to find the right people I guess and also have coping strategies to help. I have found that breathing in slowly, holding it in for 7 or 8 seconds and then exhaling slowly a few times does actually help the raw anxious feeling in my chest go away, but its different for everyone

[@grcooley]

One thing I wish all of you KZbin coachs would so is make a video of definitions. You use terms and words that people like me dont know what they mean. For example I keep hearing this word "abandonment". I have no idea what that means so I have to stop your video and go look it up. I realize many do know what I means. So that is why I say make a definition video of all these clinical terms all of you coaches throw around like we all know what they mean. Put the link below in each video. Not all of us have 50 years of therapy training. Thanks

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

Why should other pulling away not make the anxious more anxious ? I mean it can make anyone feel uncomfortable. All deserve consistency from their primary romantic partner.

[@julesD0222]

I agree. Isn’t consistency important in any relationship? She’s great and I’ve completed several of her courses, but I find that most of the advice in her videos relates to how the AP should change in some way to accommodate the avoidant types. She used to be FA, so I’m not sure if it’s perhaps an unconscious bias.

[@adamwood87]

@RavishingTwinkle Yes, consistency is important, but Thais never said it wasn't - if you're saying otherwise, please supply your evidence. The point Thais is making - and has always made - is the difference of how an AP reacts versus how an SA reacts to situations. Anyone can be hurt by a bad relationship, it's how the person handles that situation that reflects their attachment trauma.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

A disconnect or perceived disconnect I believe makes any style take notice, even secure attached. I believe the difference is if you continue to be in a relationship that doesn't match what you're looking for, or you choose to have a relationship with someone that matches more what you're looking for. What do you think?

[@firedraggon]

@ Jules D 10 key signs Dismissive. 25:14 Fearful 19:15 Anxious 12:53 Maybe, or maybe she thinks AP’s are the least wounded.

[@brookelight2090]

@@julesD0222 you got it. Thais is great but she tend to sugar coating avoidant behavior and misleading AP or secure to continue to invest, which just prolong the pain and healing process for the receiving end. the more people in pain the more potential patients she could have? This could not be Thais’s intention but the line is blurry

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

When people running an AP pattern feels let down in a relationship, do you find they act more explosive like really outwardly upset, or do they usually not express their upset that way?

[@mayur1397]

I showed outwardly upset

[@a.r.8954]

Most APs utilize 'protest behaviours' outwardly, but there are some who protest quietly if they have traumas or challenges around vulnerability/open communication. I'm a little like that when I'm in my anxious zone (I'm fearful avoidant): I used to associate having needs with shame, so I would never double text/call/be annoyed with the person etc.

[@a.r.8954]

Now I'm wondering if AP men engage in quiet protest behaviours a lot because of masculinity socialization----an unwillingness to show their anxiety in relationships even when they feel it.