THIS Is Why Avoidant Attachment Styles End Up in SHORT Term Relationships

[@jason8708]

That's a losers mentality to always give into your fears and never push through and overcome roadblocks thats a natural part of life. You're not a loser for having fears and anxiety That's human natural You're a loser when you refuse to face your fears and overcome odds.

[@RitaP41]

And a Coward.

[@Jenishabadoo]

@@RitaP41totally agree

[@AliValentine143]

Completely agree that for me grasping my development and healing, confronting, and mastering my fears is important. I know of some good people that have made a fairly successful (for themselves and their standards) life and will likely never be motivated to do the work. They weren't the right person for my own values, life needs, and relationship wants but I'd guess he'll keep sliding into older age, dating without pain to himself, never being in any particular state or country for too long, and be just fine, feel just fine about his transient lifestyle and love life.

[@Bookooky]

No point if overcoming those fears doesn't have a reward. Commitment and connection is perceived like walking on an active volcano.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Facing and overcoming fears takes strength, and it can be life-changing to push past those roadblocks. Thank you for your empowering words!

[@lebo3027]

Take it from me. RUN.

[@mepulley7913]

No. SPRINT AWAY!

[@RitaP41]

Best way to get DAs to change is to Not entertain them by getting into "casual" situationships.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

Situationships can turn into relationships if you hold your boundaries and the DA wants it enough.

[@Ievasliog]

@@Warrior_Princess_1111Sure it can if DA also keeps the boundaries of other person and wants to work on attachment issues. If not - it’s waste of time.

[@RitaP41]

@@Warrior_Princess_1111 if you think that being "at the mercy of" another is a way to live... I think we can do better.

[@Merit_Liege]

If a DA/FA is out there getting the majority of their needs met through casual relationships, what incentive is there to EVER work on overcoming the core wounds?

[@Allforoneandoneforallll]

@@Merit_Liege this a great question. We cannot make others change nor incentivize anyone to change. People change is and when they want to.

[@WrittenMysteries]

most DAs ultimately fail to meet their own needs forever. they think of settling down to have children.

[@carolewendling5340]

@@Merit_Liege damn, great question :/

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

I'd say like any other attachment style they might need to feel enough pain before they are incentivized to work on themselves. We can ask the same for AP's or anxious leaning FA's. Why do you keep going for unavailable people and when will you learn to stop doing this? It's easier to sit on the outside and blame the other person. That way we don't have to take accountability or self-reflect. But like an avoidant, anxious people run to the next person rather than pause and work on themselves. Rinse and repeat.

[@whiggygirl]

@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life completely agree. I'm FA and I guess anxious-leaning (though I really am not sure of that part) but I only ever go for emotionally unavailable men. Anyone emotionally available makes me feel ill. The last DA I just recently broke up from a situationship, I have learnt sssssoooooo much from. In terms of who I am, how I am, what I definitely do NOT want, and what I do. Even though it breaks my heart that yet again this was another lesson, when I wanted it so badly to finally be love, as we had a connection that I've never known in my life, and he made me feel so seen, and cherished and safe (until the times he then didn't). It's really been a catalyst for me to change, and I've spent months and months looking at things. Self reflecting. I keep choosing DA's because I'm also commitment-phobic. It sucks but I am hoping I can change, and using strategies to do so. Also I will avoid any signs of DA men like the plague, in future!

[@asalvamd5633]

There is nothing normal about a DA's actions. It took me a long time to recognize my recent ex partner. It is not normal to print pictures, put them in a frame and never put them up- because that is their hard stop. It is not normal to do things that are sweet and constant and EXPECT the partner to not fall in love and handle her own emotions, be autonomous, etc. It is not normal to roll out the calendar at first- imagine rolling out a scroll, only to later tell you to make your own plans? It is not normal to be unable to express feelings. All his actions were leading me to believe I was going nuts since I had never encountered such a person. Curiosity led me to learn about attachment styles. I now know I have a FAAS. He has DAAS. Leaving someone I deeply love has been very hard. But every time he shut down, it gave me the opportunity to work on my self awareness, strengths and future plans. Why on earth, a late 40's grown smart man, knowing about this topic does not care to work on his emotional quotient is beyond me. But I now realize I am my project. He is his own project. Self work is a practice. Love and light to all.

[@mepulley7913]

I completely understand what you're writing about. I have a theory that the DA loves to collect pictures. Why? It presents what they had while always giving them the belief they control being wanted, but rejecting you.

[@asalvamd5633]

@mepulley7913 if the pics are displayed, it signifies, "that's it, we are an item". Too much for them🙄

[@mepulley7913]

@@asalvamd5633 - Yes, sadly it does.

[@lmfisher650]

I went into a committed monogamous relationship with i now know is an avoidant and he back peddled out of the relationship at 6 months after discussing originally before we got together, the status of the relationship. He wanted to be single again and dumped me after going cold. He isn't looking for anything atm, just delved into work. He loved me and I'm the second he ever loved so i guess it scared him. He told me he 'lost feelings', couldn't give me what i wanted or deserved, was too overwhelmed, wanted to concentrate on his mental health and kids etc. Those are the excuses he used. I do hope he comes back. It's been 7wks.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That sounds heartbreaking. It’s natural to hold out hope, and it takes strength to cope with the ups and downs of attachment challenges. Wishing you all the best as you work through this 💜

[@Allforoneandoneforallll]

Communication is key. I’ve been in love with a DA for the past 4 years and have finally learned to listen and believe him by reading between the lines. His behavior shows he isn’t ready and doesn’t know when or if he’ll be ready for a relationship with me. I’m responsible for my own choice to continue to “wait” it out despite him not offering me what I want and am seeking. I love him and want him to be happy and I love me even more and want me to be happy. I’m a recovering FA and have done the work to become secure. Vulnerability is still terrifying but I push through it and can state my boundaries in the moment and explain what the trigger is when relating to others.

[@miradl7968]

Hello from another recovering FA who is waiting for their DA to decide for the relationship :)

[@RitaP41]

He just doesn't like you enough to commit. And you sticking around regardless is part of the reason why. Harsh, but true.

[@pizzelle2]

Yeah you’re right that you’re responsible for your choice to stay, the problem is that you’re not actually stopping to think about what it says about you that you’d choose to stay in a dynamic like that for FOUR YEARS. You need serious therapy.

[@Allforoneandoneforallll]

@RitaP41 I’ve dated others. I’ve enjoyed being single. And also learned a great deal about him and me alike over the time and through distance. You’re entitled to your perspective even if it’s harsh.

[@Allforoneandoneforallll]

@@pizzelle2 thanks for your perspective and I know myself well. I have dated others and I have enjoyed being single for the 4 years while speaking to him on occasion. I view you as making gross assumptions with very little context so I’ll leave you to it.

[@marcusflint3168]

I am an anxious attachment style and have realised the love of my life recently is a dismissive avoidant. We've had cylces of her pushing away but this time it was final. It was like the rug has been pulled on my life and my heart smeared on the wall. I'm willing to get the help to become secure but unfortunately she isn't willing to put in the work. We were engaged, share a child, stepchildren and a house. 5 years of building a family and something special and she's just completely closed herself off to me. Stonewalling me. Utterly devastating. Best thing I can do is become secure in myself and hopefully in time she will come around and put in the work. If not then at least in the future when I'm eventually ready I'll be more adapted to deal with my own emotions. 5 years for a dismissive avoidant to last with an anxious attachment just in my own mind reaffirms that when we work we really work and bring out the best qualities in each other. 95% of the time its all love. However when she turns off its cold and spiteful. And she isn't as willing as I am to get the help 😢

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

The more secure you show up, the better the relationship will be. That's in my experience, so hopefully the same applies to your situation. ❤

[@Ievasliog]

@@The_Whimsical_AvoidantDA will sabotage relationships also with secure person, because secure partner exactly will trigger DA wounds. And secure actually won’t stay long with DA or accept them back if they didn’t work on themselves anyway.

[@marcusflint3168]

@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life thank you for the advice. As hard as it is. I feel heartbroken but the best I can do is work on myself. Show up for the kids and be supportive. If she still doesn't want to get back with me or work on herself after seeing the changes I have made (after admitting she needs help but doesn't want it) then at least I am setting myself up to be healthier and better prepared for future relationships as much as I can't think about that now!

[@marcusflint3168]

​@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life yes I'm hoping I can become more secure in myself. As much as this has heartbroken me and it stings right now. Her wall is up. So the best thing I can do is show up for the kids and get the help I need, look after myself. Keep training etc. Hopefully she'll realise what she's missing and maybe even seek the help she's admitted she needs. As right now she's shut down therapy with me. And if for some reason this doesn't work at least I can prepare myself to move on as much as it pains me to say. I don't want to lose my family.

[@AM-wq2cz]

I appreciate his honesty from the beginning of a relationship re what he is looking for & then following up again later. The clarity. The lack of communication & clarity around this is the issue imo

[@RitaP41]

Great insight about FAs starting to feel rocky as soon as there's commitment/Honeymoon stage because it gets Real.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

As an FA, I definitely second that!

[@jurgenwehner3607]

My Ex ended it with her rebound as soon as he started to discuss marriage

[@mepulley7913]

“Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick.” ― Hippocrates

[@vickyvickram7317]

this video literally came in the perfect moment in my life, love you

[@katrinabernal4271]

The "pick me's" want to be committed. But also DAs use that fact that they "told you" but they LOVE allll the benefits of a relationship without having one. Its crap. Thank goodness I'm Secure, and just cut ties. DAs are injured, but also too much Drama! Not worth it. So if you're in this situation, be strong enough to WALK AWAY. No one is worth feeling unworthy over, and DAs do that to you. You ARE valuable, but DAs dont even value THEMSELVES. So there is no "winning" or "picking you" over anyone else. Move on and find someone who wants to put EQUAL effort and emotions in. And just a reminder, great sex does Not equal a great relationship or a DAs desire to be in a relationship. Just let go. If they ever heal their trauma, they'll come find you.

[@cecilang9721]

It’s not hurtful when you follow through on exactly what you said! That is totally swallowing blame for something that is their fault! That is just terrible. That’s like someone coming to your house and you saying, my house is not for sale. But here have a coffee and hang out for a bit, but just to be clear I’m not selling. And then they say two months later, I want to buy your house!, and you say NO. And then they are disappointed and you feel guilty. Do NOT feel guilty. Wtf is this about wasting time. If your goal is to buy a house don’t waste time hanging out looking inside a house that isn’t for sale! And to turn that around and blame the person being hospitable, and guilt them, that’s despicable. I’m an FA with a DA who is adamantly against moving in, marriage or public commitment. Maybe it’s personal that he doesn’t want to do those things with me and he commits to the next woman. Will I be upset? Yeah. Because I wanted that. But it’s not because he lied or misled me. And I am too old to have kids so I don’t feel I’m wasting my time spending lovely beautiful happy times with somebody I deeply care for who treats me kindly and with gentle care for my core childhood wounds.He has terrible wounds too so I understand why he cannot ever have a “regular” relationship. But what we have isn’t “casual” either. Both of us feel a pain that we cannot have a complete life together. There are enmeshed families with substance abuse involved. But when it ends, it will “end well” because there is no secret unspoken agenda or expectations. There is respect for each other’s words. We are adults, not children. Say what you mean and mean what you say. When it comes to relationships, that is the best policy. For DAs out there, don’t give up hope.There are people who will meet you where you are as long as you are not a cruel person and you make some compromises. Every relationship requires compromise. I totally give him the girlfriend experience. He gives me the daddy experience. It’s fine. With his help I have confronted so much of my childhood trauma and feel better mentally than I ever have in my life. There are no guarantees in life and in dating or even in marriage. Even if he leaves or finds someone more suitable for his family, I’m ok with that. I want him to have a good life with or without me. This is a stage of our lives where we provide a lot of value and support to each other. It’s been over a year.

[@tarkov_6]

Pretty easy to leave when you realize there is no difference anyways if you do...

[@Jenny0U812]

This was great one!! It’s so helpful when you have someone come in and share their stories after they have done the work. If you could have more of these, that would be awesome.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for the feedback! Hearing firsthand stories from people who have done the work is so impactful. We’ll definitely keep this in mind for future content!

[@AlphaPhysioPelvicHealth]

I absolutely 'love' how DAs go on Miranda Law: hey,casual,no feeling,don't get attached. But hey,let's go out,lets go travel,lets netflix and chill,lets do expeiment with sex....but remember,no feelings,no commitment. These days it's called 'setting clarity and boundary',in my language it is still called ol'good manipulation! But hey,we live and we learn. This shit doesn't work for anyone but DAs,and sunce they don't date each other as not efforts are exibited whatsoever,they don't eliminate each other from dating market. Stay vigilant,my friends! Thank you for the video!

[@katrinabernal4271]

So do you think that DAs will purposely bow out of plans at the last minute to put the relationship back into "casual"? Like, they are making sure their partner knows it's not serious by no-showing or canceling last minute on plans?

[@kellyzagem7573]

I dont think most dismissive avoidants last more than a few months into a relationship.. unless they found themselves with someone with no self worth or another DA .. isnt DA another term for Friends with benefits?

[@mepulley7913]

I'd agree. Its a great situation ship for them to be involved with.

[@mikedenver5341]

"End up" and "wanting" are two different things. My experience is the average guy has so little options in women we just take what we can get.

[@AliValentine143]

52:41 As an FA I can be there for other's pain, emotions, problems BUT it adds anxiety that I'm not doing it right, that I'm not saying the right things, that I might say or do something to make it harder for them. Also if they expect me to go into the details of my pain, my tough time, they're going to have to find a way to ask for it because it's not easy for me to open up vulnerably when I'm in the hardest part of it.

[@MaryL5295]

Well this is good information.

[@keyhansaldjoughi9613]

DA are the weakest people I have come across

[@carolewendling5340]

Agree.

[@tarkov_6]

Definitely some of the most selfish people.

[@WrittenMysteries]

DAs often carry trauma that would terrify you

[@carolewendling5340]

@ I also agree with that… :/

[@Weismant81]

We have to consider the lack of example that they have had. I will not accept his behaviors, but they are learned from the generations before him. Forgiveness goes a long way!

[@atiyehatiyeh8322]

I have a childhood friend who's live with this so-called girlfriend for 15 years. He said he won't leave her because she's got an illness. Before that he was married so he's not one of those who wants the short-term relationship

[@sharoncollier2750]

Do FA's always have short term relationships?

[@Jenny0U812]

Good question

[@miradl7968]

I'm an FA and I never had short term relationships. And I never cheated

[@mc2273CFU]

No, I'm an FA and have been in 2 relationships - one that lasted 4 years and my current relationship (marriage) that is 20 years and counting.

[@sharoncollier2750]

Thanks - I’m going to talk to my therapist about it, but I really think I fit into FA. But I’ve always had long term myself

[@mc2273CFU]

@@sharoncollier2750 Yes, same regarding relationships. But the way I show up in relationships is definitely textbook FA. Makes for some serious ups and downs, but thankfully my husband is secure so he takes it in stride.

[@PaigeYesLee]

Thank You Thais 😊🙏

[@stephanrocksyou]

I have a question. Went through a 3 year relationship, on and off with a FA, (although I didn’t know she one over the years) She left and jumped into another relationship for the last 8 months. She calls and txts complaining about her current relationship, and tells me how I am better in some ways than her current boyfriend. I don’t respond to a lot of her txts and calls, but she still calls. Should I just never respond , or txt her to stop calling, or call her and ask why she still calling?

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

I wouldn't bother with her. She sounds like she has a shit ton of healing to do. Talking badly about a partner is a no no, esp to an ex. I'm a FA and I wouldn't do that. You're better off not responding. Good luck.

[@stephanrocksyou]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant she’s an odd one. Called me 5 times over 6 month period, saying she’s ending things, then goes back to him because he loves her.just a couple weeks ago, she called and thanked me how talking to me me makes her feel good. Called a few more times the next couple of days, then she disappears. I think she never heals from each relationship, then jumps right into another, cause they make her feel happy. She loves validation. I stopped giving it to her. I think she’ll spend her whole life looking for happiness in the wrong ways. SMH

[@WrittenMysteries]

this one didn’t resonate for me. I keep my distance on day one so the short-term thing won’t start. people who make the cut tend to stay in my circle for many years.

[@jurgenwehner3607]

It’s telling that my Ex always used the words‘circle’ and ‘inner circle’ - the latter mostly made of people she paid like accountants, lawyers etc. People I have never met in 7 years, regularly a ‘date’ was accepted by her that was brought to her through these ‘trusted’ people. I never made it into her inner circle.

[@RitaP41]

Pure Users

[@kellyzagem7573]

Also realize this is a really good looking guy .. sorry but of course he can get multiple partners .. also where they live is a factor.. big city .. more options!!

[@Faith-sr8zw]

Should I send this to my ex lol??

[@Daniellemarie10]

Lol 😂 I think that as well however if they are not willing to do any work, it will not have any effect on them it just depends on the type of avoidant they are ❤

[@sushmitasutradhar4880]

Hmn

[@gregoryritchie7852]

"Pay to have a perfect girlfriend experience" - enter artificial intelligence.

[@mepulley7913]

That would be the perfect "relationship" for a DA. They can come and go whenever they feel like it. Because that is basically what they want. To have ties when its convenient to them.

[@RaMlal-pb7zv]

if you're seeing this comment, it might be a sign to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio ❤️