5 Signs It's Trauma Bonding NOT Love

When one has suffered or is suffering from unhealed trauma, it can be easy to get ourselves into unhealthy relationship patterns. If you're someone who gets stuck in unhealthy or toxic relationship dating patterns, or if you're finding you're codependent in relationships or struggle with codependency, it may have something to do with trauma bonding. So if you're stuck asking yourself is it love or obsession or is it love or infatuation, these may be indicators that your relationship could have some unhealed trauma present in it. Let's move on from toxic and unhealthy relationship patterns and dating cycles so that we can really find real healthy loving relationships. Let me know the stories of your unhealthy or toxic relationships in the comments, or times that you thought you were in love but it was really obsession or trauma bonding or codependency that was present in your relationships below.
What are trauma bonds? Let's talk all about it: • 5 Common Reasons for T...
Want more information on trauma bonding? Here are 6 signs of trauma bonding from Psych2go: • 6 Signs of Trauma Bonding
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[@Katimorton]

Want to know more about trauma bonds? Here are the 5 reasons we suffer from trauma bonds + abusive relationships: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j2HckGybqb-jsKc

[@paulmiller6647]

Kati Morton I'm beyond the least part of caring.

[@zoniahill2587]

Hey Kati! I real enjoy your videos. However I will like to connect trauma bonding with regards to sexual grooming. Using a teacher as an example. Most of videos about relationships. What if you didn't have a relationship with the person. Except teacher/student. However the trauma happened when the person heard you told about their affection was being shared and then trip on the school compound. Then lied in a teacher/ parent meaning. Thereafter they treathen you after seeing you going to the guidance counsellor.

[@inevski]

"Trauma bonding is characterised by loss of self" and it's also survival, wasn't it identified in hostage situations

[@nehemilia5033]

Trauma bonding means you want the relationship to continue at any cost

[@Purplejersey702]

I agree

[@wendeezy456]

Yes, that part.

[@BraatyB]

I completely agree

[@hugocrabb9465]

Is this unhealthy? I believe the tolerability in relationships these days is low. People used to get married and work through whatever came up. Now everything has to be perfect… No wonder we’re not as coupled up? What has created this desire to have the perfect relationship?

[@Ninsidhe]

@@hugocrabb9465 that’s not what is being spoken to here- trauma bonding will have you still trying to ‘work through’ (a euphemism for IGNORE) *serious red flags* that are a neon sign indicating the relationship is _not_ healthy. There is a difference between two healthy, emotionally intelligent and self responsible adults working through a difficult patch and the situation that is almost always, ENTIRELY ‘difficult patch’ with a few lonely petunias thrown in.

[@kyliejones8827]

The Fallacy of Sunk Cost springs to mind. This is the avoidance of leaving a relationship that you've invested a great deal of time, energy and resources in. Plus, there's also a shared history and shared memories. It's incredibly difficult to end such a relationship.

[@clv603]

For me it became easier when I had the revelation the person I thought I was in love with never existed. I fell in love with the idea of her, a complete fantasy of her reinforced by the person she sold me in the beginning of the relationship that I couldn't ever seem to get back.

[@neo_7864]

I think the trauma bonding victim does not feel Sunk cost at all. I think they are just afraid, that is, if they leave the abuser, something bad will happen to them and they will feel bad and obligated.

[@JonathanB138]

​You aren't responsible for other people's feelings and reactions.

[@benf1111]

I was juat using the sunk cost fallacy recently too.

[@joshangout9609]

God, is it ever hard. I have 32 years into mine.

[@_just_TK]

I’d love to see a video on trauma bonding with a job. The constant cycle of love/hate and feeling like you are solely responsible for making your work place function and intense guilt at the thought to leaving. Also, finding your identity in your work and thinking you’ll be lost if you ever switch careers.

[@nikkimckay860]

TK. Hello it's been a very long time sence I seen your name here hope you are well and doing ok 🙂

[@dizzyowl76]

Omg….this was me. It took a chronic illness to force me to finally let go. Actually It was about 2 years after I had to leave before I started to heal. I think this would be a great idea for a video.

[@NatashaCreatesThings]

Yessssssss

[@aliciadelasmaravilla]

Yess! This was totally me at my old job. I was a teacher and felt so guilty to leave. It was such a toxic environment but only stayed for the kids because I didn’t want to let them down. Once I left, I felt a huge lift off my shoulders. Now I have a job that I love.

[@fabianvillarreal8236]

Gaslight. Gatekeeper. Girlboss. 🫠🫠🫠

[@LesleySASMR]

Thank you for this video. I spent 6 years in a trauma bond and was months away from marrying my abuser. Going to therapy and learning that it was abuse really shattered my worldview. Help is out there, stay strong.

[@nicktravis6230]

If only if only......

[@macywilson8127]

Same

[@neo_7864]

thank god, you were not married yet. hope you get what you need.

[@Holmes89]

I had 3 years, you never know until you know. Hope everything turned out well for you. I think I evolved from being the abused to both abusing each other in the relationship

[@tiptapkey]

I had a person try to force me to trauma bond with them, but I didn't know that was what was happening. They made me feel really bad about being hesitant about not feeling what they felt all the time, being codependent, etc. They basically implied I was a sociopath who had no empathy and that I wasn't even trying with the relationship, but all I wanted to do was continue being my own person. What a mindfuck.

[@timnoseworthy4623]

You just literally described my relationship lol

[@jnx63256]

God. I relate

[@cloverfields6339]

wow thats literally how ive been feeling lately 😅💔

[@CollectiveConsciousness1111]

In a trauma filled world, this is more important than ever. Value & love yourself💚

[@Katimorton]

🫶

[@snappycattimesten]

5:02 Thank you Katie for reminding us what a loving relationship includes.

[@Katimorton]

🫶🫶🫶

[@CheleBadoo]

This is my entire childhood with my mentally-ill and addicted mother. She neglected my brother and I, covertly sexually abused me and physically abused him. She would behave erratically and then repeat the same sob story about how she was molested and therefore is not responsible for her actions. She would gaslight me for hours, nearly every day until I moved out at 19. She would tell me that she never wanted kids, as if I wasn't her child. If I asked her for help doing something like making food, she would say "just do whatever you'd do if I were dead." When she was angry, she would say "I wish I could go back to jail because it's better that living here!" She claims she was a good mom because she didn't kill us herself. She never hugged us or said I love you. She never consoled us when we were upset or got hurt. Instead, she would shame us and repeated tell others about what happened. She would say things like "I'll kill you" or "get over here before I kill you." She would growl, snarl and gnash her teeth while invoking a deep demonic voice. She did horrible things to my brother like strangle him, lift him by his hair, kick him in the ass or fake punch really close to his face. She had me convinced that he deserved it and even had me abusing him in her stead. I thought everything she said was the truth until I met my first friend at 12. Until then, I was a captive in my own home, completely brainwashed and utterly isolated. I wet the bed every night until then. I still have a relationship with her, but I have gone "gray rock" and have worked on grieving the person I wanted her to be. I understand that she can't see me as anything but an extension of herself and she will never want to know the real me.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

i understand your pain . 10 years of foster care .. ❤ i only see my mum once a month flr dinner and nothing more ..

[@romeowandrainbow1040]

I hope you are much happier now and have found peace No one deserves this childhood I want to give you a hug from England to wherever you are 🤍🤍🤍

[@Valir15]

Thats sad 😞

[@marismith2416]

😢 I am sooo sorry to hear about you & your brother's childhood experience. No child should ever experience those things. I send you a virtual hug 🫂. You are an amazing human being to have survived that. I pray that your life is much better than it used to be. I pray that you are blessed and well taken care of by now. Even if it's by means of self-love. May God be with you 🙏🏼 ✨️ 💛🤍🧡

[@ShaneBlackheart]

My situation isn't a romantic one, but my mom fits this. Just yesterday, I was telling a friend how despite being abused by my parents, I felt like I had to be the kid to show love to them because they're aging and trying to chill out. My brothers want nothing to do with them, hence feeling like I have to be the one. And they have gaslit me regularly to think the abuse didn't happen, or I was somehow difficult too and they tell me to just get over it. The gaslighting was so bad my whole life I have severe OCD and memory problems. I feel like I've created a trauma bond with my mom especially since I'm always trying to keep the peace, and I feel like I am one person around her and truly myself to everyone else. I feel extreme guilt any time I try to cut my parents out of my life. I'm publishing a memoir-like book soon, and honestly, maybe I should just cut them out before the worst happens again (they've found my memoir writing before and my counselor and I got threatened and, of course, gaslit again). I need to stop thinking that just because they're being nice now doesn't erase all the trauma and C-PTSD they caused. Thanks for the video, Kati. You always seem to talk about stuff on the day that I need to hear it.

[@Phor0phor]

I can relate so much to this. Hugs. I know how mentally exhausting this is. The fact that you’re writing about this is great.

[@purvamandlik4696]

Shane, story of my family. They will never get better, only worse. Get out of there. Put your self first. For healing from narcissistic abuse: 1. Understand what actually happened 2. Put distance between them and you - physically, emotionally, financially, every way 3. Live in defiance of their rules for you. I promise you, life is so much better on the other side. Please don't waste precious years. ❤️

[@tbonemalone3407]

Please really consider going No Contact with your parents. I know it’s difficult and the guilt can be really hard at first, but you will experience a freedom that you have never known! Trust me, I know from experience. It’s so crazy to think that these people who are supposed to love and protect you, just do not. They only love themselves and they will protect only their OWN interests, especially at the cost of others. Please take care of yourself . Best wishes and love to you. 💜💜💜

[@Shines-On]

Wow Shane, I hate that you are going through that but so glad to know that I’m not alone!!! Yes, the guilt, especially because they are aging. I had to go No Contact and it is breaking my heart!!! But I also have found some peace in knowing I’m not going to get a phone call from one of them (mainly my mother) because I blocked all of them. And I live a long way from them. But yeah, the guilt can be all consuming some days and all I do is cry. It sucks.

[@Helen-oh1no]

I have had problems with my mother. I do not see her very often. I still see her though. I have found this is a fairly good solution.

[@luluhen72]

I'VE LIVED ALL THIS FOR 18 MONTHS, I finally walked away...Thank u God for a Brighter Future., 💖🙏

[@trinaq]

Thank you for outlining all of these signs, Kati. They can be difficult to differ from actual love, but as long as you notice these red flags, you can protect yourself from harm's way.

[@Katimorton]

🫶🫶

[@TheSatyrical]

"Oh, trauma bonding, that sounds pretty wholesome to connect to people who have trauma like you. I guess you could maybe confuse that with love" "Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment that we can form with our abuser" "oh no..."

[@brittanystorm420]

I also thought trauma bonding was literally bonding over similar traumas, not this type of abusive relationship. I really wish it had a different name. 😅

[@C.L.G._Artisa]

This original comment is literally me. Just got corrected by a friend today & then watched this video. Yes, I wish it could have a different name. It seems a lot of people misunderstand this thing...

[@kenionovais7217]

Great video, Kati Thankfully I'm an introvert, so I always been able to draw myself away from my abusive narcissistic mother and gaslighting sisters. I hope other people, who are not as lucky as I am for being more emotionally independent, to learn to work their emotions out in order to detach themselves from those not so charming vampires.

[@cynthiaewing6584]

Fantastic video explaining the trauma bond! Everyone dealing with a narcissist, should hear this video, and save it to reference often!

[@tammymansfield4859]

Thank you for this video. This is absolutely what I was going through. Absolutely everything fits him dramatically

[@riyapotter]

I have points 1,2,3,5 in my marriage. Luckily I realized that about couple months ago and started rethinking the relationship. My partner is trying to repeat the "I won't do it again" and sympathy seeking currently but I can clearly see it for the manipulation it is. The more I worked in therapy over my bond with my parents though, the more I saw unhealthy patterns in my husband. If anyone is stuck in trauma bond with their romantic partner and are going in circles in therapy, from my experience I'd suggest first working on your relationship with your primary caregivers as a child. Thank you for another insightful video Kati

[@kyleemeg2171]

My first (and so far only) relationship was a trauma bond, when I was only 16. My father was emotionally and verbally abusive, so when my first bf was also abusive, I thought it was normal. It felt familiar, my father was like that so it must’ve been love. I was in the relationship for 2 years. Finally, I reported him after he strangled me 4 times, spit in my face, punched me in the gut, etc. My advice for anyone in a situation like this, LEAVE!!! Some people don’t have the chance to become a survivor, they lose their lives as a victim.

[@cliffordkeith8437]

Great video! I’m an army chaplain, and will be using this video to help couples see their trauma bonds. The video is concise and we’ll presented for an a audience that has not understood this dynamic.

[@nikkimckay860]

Kati Morton. Another good and helpful interesting video and as always plenty of advice about Trauma bonding and also explaining codependency to add I have often felt I'm nothing without a relationship all my relationship s never worked out

[@iamgoddessoflove]

If you’re giving your all and it’s not enough, then you’re probably giving it to the wrong person. 💙KZbinr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

[@kylieshaye6562]

Well said 💘

[@kylieshaye6562]

Your channel looks very helpful I'm going to subscribe!

[@ashley684]

Thank you for this

[@stephaniecordova236]

I needed to hear this thank you Katie and everything you continue to do 🙏

[@BestMoviesInLessTime]

Oh wow, now we are able to differentiate the difference between trauma bonding and love, great content!

[@deside4952]

Thank you, Kati! Your videos are so helpful...

[@leannesmith1207]

Thank you . I appreciate your content so much

[@renplusus]

Interesting! Thank you for making these videos. They are so helpful for people.

[@Katimorton]

Thank you so much 🫶

[@cbleman]

This video made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm nearly 50 and this has been my entire adult relationship experience. I don't know anything else. My mom did it, and now every relationship, I essentially find her again. Now I feel it's too late to even try to enjoy life. I have nothing left. They took literally everything.

[@Quacksonf1lms]

I hear you. Nearly 40 and my experience of life has been the same as you’ve just said down to I have nothing left. Take care of yourself, value yourself and give yourself the love you’ve never received the best you can 💚

[@clintonnagy1662]

Wow, wow and WOW !!! Your exact words are mine "right now."We living a parallel lives my friend. I'm stuck in limbo and question my existence.

[@maggieo1683]

My therapist said me and my ex best friend had a trauma bond. A lot of people say a trauma bond only happens where there's abuse involved, and I wouldn't necessarily call this relationship abusive. I'd call it codependent and (unintentionally) manipulative, and a little controlling. But I never felt like I was sexually or physically abused. For a while I thought she was emotionally abusive but I'm not so sure that's what it was. There's a lot to it, hard to explain in one comment. I'll just say in my mind, a loving, and more importantly, healthy relationship (a relationship can be loving but not healthy) includes freedom, well thought out trust, and respect on both sides. Also something my therapist pointed out is to pay attention to how you feel hanging out with someone- do you feel drained, or do you feel rejeuvinated? Every time I stopped hanging out with this old friend, I felt very depleted. Something to pay attention to.

[@inightflight712]

The thing is that is easier said than done. To get up and leave? Why is it hard? We sometimes wait until we literally had enough. And that we don’t just care anymore to leave.

[@elizabethbed649]

Thank you Kati, it helps me to understand my previous relationship

[@Katimorton]

🫶🫶🫶

[@KittyKatt_Luna80s]

Exactly like this. Thank you Kati.

[@edwardianspice1]

Thanks so much Kati. Love your videos xx

[@PatriciaSadriWriter]

Thank you for making this video

[@happybergner9832]

Thank you Katie❤️

[@Katimorton]

Thank you 🫶

[@vite1968]

I ended up on antidepresants from 3 years of narcissistic abuse, that i mistakengly though was love. Its been 40 days of no contact and Im still very sad about it.. empty and devastated by the loss of "love" of my life.

[@vite1968]

Thank you Kati, your videos really helped me on my way to healing.. Im seeking therapist and there is a lot of improovement.. you are doing a great service to the world, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@ebenfredclarissa]

Great video .. also I really like the way you are doing your hair ( I know off topic) but it really suits you ! Thanks for all the great vids

[@SheSooWaavvyy]

So much you touched on honestly almost everything you said I could agree or recall some type of interaction with my "fiance "😢 I know I need to take our daughter and leave him alone for good. He will literally call me names verbally abusing me, cause arguments, Blame me for things I didn't do and then tell me calm down and that he loves me SMH... I sincerely pray we make it out alive and I pray that everybody who's in an abusive relationship can find strength within to leave safely

[@Lamkins._.]

so interesting thx Katie have a good day

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you, Kati

[@jjaredzz]

Thank you for this video. I feel like colloquially people have been misusing the term and idea of trauma bonding.

[@2okaycola]

Have you ever had a baby & called your mother to tell her about it [in spite of incest allegations she admitted then denied] to only hear about her life? Yeah same

[@jessicajohnston5693]

Thank you! I have PTSD and it is either I trust them too much or not at all... This helps me to know who I should invest my time in.

[@serenity8839]

Yep i try too explain this too people who say "its been 9 years why are you not over your ex" as too why i cant date people, but too explain im over them as a person but not the words they used people just dont understand that, which i understand it is hard even for me to grasp haha. Weird living with PTSD

[@AskKory]

Thank you for this I spent the last 5 years of relationship dealing with stuff like this and the last 2 years mentally healing. And now that I'm doing so much better I see so vividly the people I care about in my life that are dealing with the same thing. This was perfect and I shared to like 4 people today HAHA. I love everything you post its been a huge help and I thank you for keeping up what you do its amazing and reaches so many more people then you think it might. :D Love your content will always be a follower.

[@Katimorton]

Thank you for the kind words and for sharing! I'm glad to hear that you are on a path of mental wellness :) Keep being awesome Kory!

[@AskKory]

@@Katimorton Yeah Im in the best place mentally then I have in prob my whole life. Spent the last 2 years healing and making myself know that I'm not in survival mode anymore like I have been my whole life. Its weird crazy scary and amazing all at the same time. I Love everything you put out and the attention you put to your community. Im huge into marketing and business just in general. and I have a small suggestion while I have you lol. Check out making a discord for your community I think its one of the best ways to build a solid community these days and really can be a great central station for your biggest fans to stay up to date with your content as well as speaking to like minded people that also love your content. Thats my suggestion while I had the applebox for a few moments LOL have an amazing day and thanks for everything.

[@H.P.Blavatsky]

Trying to end a bad relationship. We’re both in the wrong. I’m tempted to send this to him but I think the first step towards ending it for good is to not even bother. His number is blocked. It’s staying that way.

[@brandonhubbard4114]

IM TRIGGERED ps. Love you and almost everything you do. Other than dragging yourself through the mud you were born into. Keep breaking those generational curses! Love Love you

[@mackfam9798]

love you thanks for sharing

[@Katimorton]

🫶🫶🫶

[@fluffyclouds555]

If you’re in a trauma bond and each person is in therapy and working on self awareness, can things move to a healthy place?

[@kencoleman5007]

That reminds me particularly of my father experiences were a combination of really great, and really horrible. Even as a child, I saw it as him trying to balance a scale with good deeds.

[@CCSweetandUnique]

❤❤❤❤❤Thank you so much for this informative video 💕. I knew I needed to talk to someone but not who love. You possibly just saved me, frfr, on soooo many levels. You don't even know!!! God bless you, through Jesus' name! ❤❤❤❤❤❤ You are amazing. Subscribed! 🙏🏿

[@johnypanta6208]

I think I am still experiencing PTSD from narcissistic abuse. In this case it was my ex-best friend. (Emphasis on the "ex"). We were friends for years, we were more than brothers, until I ended it. My therapist diagnosed trauma after the relationship ended, and it took nearly two years of therapy to do so. Now I'm in a space where I try to break patterns and move on. I have a boss who is extremely manipulative, authoritarian and disorganized and I'm trying to quit my job at the moment. He already has driven 4 people to quit with his behaviour.

[@meganjones1326]

My mum doesn't believe my mental health, eating, emotional, trauma, sleep, coping mechanisms and more, are real, true. My dad abandoned me when I was 16, it happened after he realized I was selfharming, he told me before he broke our relationship to shatters, " that if I don't stop selfharming he will disown me " he is in my life yet I HATE how he makes me feel.

[@nicktravis6230]

I was married to a narcissist. Trauma bond relationship of 5 years. 3 kids and 2 psych hospital stays (me and her) child services involvement.... I realized I was fucked up from it when I felt numb being loved by family......If I didn't make the choice to find real help I would've not been here. I'm also writing an autobiography about all this. Keep pushing.

[@RainRemnant]

Kati if it's possible could you make another video about BDD? I've been following your channel for a year trying to work on my BPD and anxiety before therapy started, it actually starts in a few weeks and had a re-diagnose, still have BPD as I expected but also got a new diagnose of BDD. I wasn't sure if I had it, felt recognizable hearing other people's stories but always thought "but they are not ugly they are pretty but I really do look like a monster". I did see 2 of your videos about BDD and again, very recognizable... Thank you so much for what you do! 💖

[@jennyrbaker]

Ending a friendship with a gaslighter was the best decision I've ever made. I sent him a short, neutral e-mail, waited for a reply, and then blocked him everywhere without responding to him. He'd constantly make me question my memory. If I called him out on it, he'd either mock me or dismiss me. He'd get so angry whenever I mentioned talking to other friends, but he'd freely talk about meeting different friends for dinner. Twice, he bragged to me that he thought he was a great liar. That still gives me the chills. I bought a gaslighting workbook that's helped me a lot.

[@justinslife727]

After watching this, i realized one of my ex’s from years ago, had this, not with me but with her ex boyfriend and she still kept him around and was friends with him, and she would say how he did all of these horrible things to her, and I never understood why she would want to have someone like that in her life and it got me so mad, now I know thanks Kati

[@2wheelsarefun73]

Did she ever go back to him?

[@preetijodhana]

Thank you so much

[@j3ssk447]

Thank you!

[@gaurs230]

Yes this is exactly how I felt honestly for a really long time especially when my friends

[@kayellejay9608]

I dealt with this with my brother. When we both went to therapy and stopped complaining about abusive parents all the time, we started to grow apart. It was like we didn't have anything in common anymore.

[@Wet-plants]

Thats not what a trauma bond is. Common misconception. A trauma bond i between an abuser and their victim. You’re describing about bonding over mutual trauma, but that’s not what the phrase trauma bond actually refers to.

[@aubreysnyder338]

It took a few years but I finally had to accept my best friend of nine years was a trauma bond. We were always platonic but partners that I did have told me how uncomfortable my friend made them. And then so many unnecessary fights where I tried to defend my friend. But she showed her true colors at the end anyway.

[@caseyshultz2424]

you should do a video analyzing the characters of euphoria. so many of us are teens and young adults and would love to hear your thoughts

[@ElGreco1541]

Can a relationship ever move from a trauma bond to actual love with interpersonal respect as its focus?

[@maggieo1683]

I don't think so. I think in a trauma bonded relationship, it's always best to leave. Both sides can get separate therapy or whatever help necessary, but I think after trauma, it's just not worth trying to fix the relationship itself. Better to find someone new who gives you freedom and respect who you can trust. That's my personal opinion. Also want to add that a relationship can be loving but not healthy. Love is not all people should look for in relationships.

[@ConnorDRyan]

my last relationship went from love to a tramua bond over time. It's basically impossible to get it back to love.

[@sarahazzolini1425]

Merci pour ta vidéo

[@Daz02]

Off topic from your video, but what's your opinion on online therapy is it worth it or should one seeking out in person session?

[@dubtoons4640]

Thank you

[@Blazestalker100]

wooow. just wow! i realized everything now.

[@stevenkovler5133]

Katie I do not know if you will see my message , but my trauma bond has been unbreakable. I left her went no contact fir six weeks. She was physical abusing me, claiming it was a response to me emotionally hurting her. Anyway after 7 weeks no contact she enticed me to hook up with her. Then I started helping her $$ wise. She would push pull me , love me not love me. We were having weeklybs33gs. Now I am so trauma bonded to her. I am so afraid to let her go. I know I have to but I just can not. Even my coach is now yelling at me ! Ugh! Ugh! I was never trauma bonded ! This is crazy we have only benn married three years and known each other 3.5 years !

[@luluhen72]

The family isolation was unreal, the waking up the next day and saying that did not happened., Alcoholic, Liar...Bad with Money. Constant I Love I Love, then turn around and cus me out‼️

[@TheTialalande]

Good video

[@maddisonrose9876]

found this after bonding to one of my traffickers and a couple clients after being kidnapped and sold and worked. I miss them, the traffickers. and the clients. I found a couple after rehab and they are terrible people. 😅 still miss them tho.

[@intellectualesemv]

In my situation, I think both of us had similar traumas and we were hurting each other from those states. So not necessarily that there was one "good person" and one abuser.

[@RY-fe3rt]

Well explained! As heinous as this kind of abuser is, I still find myself pitying them (and their kids) for functioning this way. Why don't they realize how miserable they are... or do they and just ignore it even as they throttle the life out of all their relationships before smugly claiming they weren't meant to be? I don't know which is worse! Being that way must feel like having a constant migraine. OMG do I need therapy?! 😂🤣

[@inoshishi8]

I have a friend with CPTSD that has a trauma bond with her mom. She hides what she can and never told her about it. She's afraid to lose her despite everything esp as her mom changed over time for the better.

[@Dd94949]

Hi Kati. I hope you'll respond to this, if possible. As an LMFT, what is your take on the trauma bond from and anxious-avoidant, pursuer-withdrawer perspective? I'm interested in the idea that preoccupied attachment and avoidant attachment are 2 sides of the same coin (versions of narcissism, disorders of the self). In EFT therapy, the goal is to externalize "the cycle" in which neither person's needs are being met. Couldn't one argue that a trauma bond is just an insecure attachment cycle left to fester? Where both people become highly reactive to each other through repeated moments of disconnection? I think this is what I believe. I'm not sure I believe there is always one partner who is much more abusing than the other. When we talk about emotional abuse (versus more obvious types of abuse) couldn't it be argued that in any insecure relationship, both partners are suffering equally? Just for different reasons? Thanks for sharing your knowledge!

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

Kati please stop reading my mind lol

[@Katimorton]

😳

[@lizzieschuch2800]

Just wanted to add that you could both be harming each other accidentally in ways you don't see BC of gender differences (love and respect) or things like avoidant vs anxious attachment and you could both be trauma bonded by the unintentional 'abuse'. This was my situation with my ex and we were on and off for 14 years.

[@lizzieschuch2800]

But neither of us asked the other not to see their own family.

[@wrinklesandsprinkles]

Hi Kati!👋🏼 How are you doing? Are you ok? Just thinking of you❣️

[@BruceJC75]

My recent ex is trauma bonded to her narcissistically abusive ex husband. It made her extremely avoidant and she discarded me a couple months ago. It still hurts like hell.

[@MrJeanpaul1988]

5. my familie was really the problem (cptsd in hindsight) and gaslighting is described as reminding of them forgetting stuff as a problem.. She did forget freaking alot daily.. happy that relation is over but i do still love her even after all the shit we did to eachother.. its the dynamic, respect, fear and events.. so yes its a traumabond but Geoffrey Setiawan YT channel could really help to see thinks in a healtier way and fix your relationship even alone

[@TheSeppentoni]

I would have needed that video 10 years ago. goddamn

[@will_Iam61]

Finding a trauma therapist that understands the codependent/narcissist relationship has been really hard. I have been through 4 therapists and only one understood what it is, but was unwilling to help, due to being unable to get the narcissist in to talk to him. I'm trying the online service Better Help, but I am becoming convinced she doesn't have a clue either. If you have any suggestions for an online counseling service, please let me know.

[@rainbow3065]

I don't the apologies or the love bombing. Just the abuse and then acting like nothing happened the next day or days later between silent treatment or walking away from teying to talk. All emotional abuse. Finding it hard to walk away as I'm feeling incredibly guilty by the thought of leaving tkem on their own. I'm not isolated in any way or don't feel in any way that I'm responsible. I'm just struggling with the idea of walking away from what I know isn't healthy....

[@MystearicaClaws]

This is why I'm single. I have never had a healthy relationship and anytime someone is healthy with me I don't trust it, and am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[@TFC9119]

Hello Kati, some of my bf friends are sleeping around and even ask him out to see other girls and have other bad influences on him, how should I address these concern with him or what should I do? As you said we shouldn’t isolate our partner from friends or family. Thank you.

[@Trivski]

Pretty sure i had this with a girl i was seeing, as she said she had trauma bonded before. Was really naive and didnt know what it meant, i thought it was just connecting and having empathy for past trauma but damn was i wrong. The mind fuck this girl would ensue in my brain was indescribable, but felt so fucking bad for what happened to her and hated the state i would leave her in if i left when i wanted. I still feel bad lol i pretty sure she has ptsd from everything she went through and probably more but. The moment it was over, even though i definitely stayed to long, was she would just refuse to get help that she needed and relied on me to just stay with her "until" she got better. no no no. So red flag if someone said they had done it before

[@auntihooha]

One caveat regarding someone saying that they don't want you to see your family (if this was the ONLY thing they did): if that someone had observed some toxic, nasty stuff that people were doing to you but it was so 'normal' to you that you never even noticed, that would be completely different. But they may not communicate it to you in a way that makes you see it or believe it- or they might be too embarrassed to even describe what they saw. A lifetime of ass-grabbing, for example, by male members of the group, that I, for example, never noticed until it was pointed out to me by a date I brought to a family gathering --always consider what people say, and use your logic and experience to discover the truth. Having stated that; Don't let ANYONE tell you who you can or cannot see!

[@soumayab101]

Hey Kati! I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about a year now! And I’m thinking I have social anxiety disorder, and I really wanna talk to the school counselor but I don’t know what to say? I’ve started school about a month ago and every morning I’m a,ways almost miss the bus cause I take so long to get ready and keep stressing about how I look and I always feel like ever will judge me. And today I had a presentation and kept stressing and felt sick! And I always get anxious around people! So what should I say to the coupler?? Thanks😊

[@jaydubbelyoo]

Yep. Ticked every box

[@joerudy5180]

How would you differ between seperation/ abandonment issues and trauma bonding.

[@neo_7864]

huh, i thought it is just the abusing, but there is a term so specific that now i understand my situation...but yeah, after acknowledge this facts, I still feel that i couldnt leave her...that i afraid something would happened to her.

[@cassandrawalsh8498]

love your shirt you look stunning

[@marythomson767]

Wow!!! Sounds just like mine!!

[@JOYSHAYS-gm6vl]

I may be saying this because I'm struggling, but is there any way to help them realize what they are doing and maybe they eventually change..? Or is it a never ending cycle?

[@chrisvanuden]

Bedankt

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

I'm not into trauma bonds. Been there done that. I'm into money bonds though...let's hold together to make lots of money.

[@kritikasingh2008]

My bestfriend is attached to my due to trauma bond..I want break it ..i don't know how to make him realise that it's not working between us ..I am the one always hurting him

[@shannanohtsuka7784]

How does trauma bonding affect the children of the adults with the bond?

[@yehyeh5066]

Would love you to do a talk on FND? 😊

[@Shindai]

Wow, has my love life sucked :P Only ever had one partner that doesn't feature any of these, and that's only because I was still too messed up from recently breaking up with one so I broke up with him after two months.

[@gaurs230]

Yes exactly is they always try to isolate us