5 Signs of a happy relationship you might MISS as a fearful avoidant

[@oceansoflorewi]

If you are bored and turned off by how kind they are- they are husband material. Especially if you find yourself having a hostile mean attitude and not sure why. Anytime I find a qualifying partner who wont abuse or neglect me- my mind will find ways to convince me they aren't attractive. Its insane...

[@taequility3655]

Oh wow... That part about always looking up or down on people destroyed me. I bursted out of crying, I just thought I'm some sort of narcissist that I look down on people or up so I'll feel insecure about myself

[@jasminearora767]

I strongly relate to all of these. Especially receiving love without having to earn it. I also felt my partner was too nice and he should "man up" and be more distant so that i will chase and work to get his love. But no, he just loved me. Your channel is a blessing Paulien because when I was going through these things I thought that I was broken or he was not right. You channel has helped me immensely. Looking forward to the course! Love, Jasmine

[@ra4798]

Wow I can relate, I still believe that I d really have to work for it.That is why I am delaying my marriage till now. That I am not good enough as I am now, that I perhaps need to get a phd, start a bussiness, get a job, to be seen as worthy, or once I become a successful author... I feel its strange if someone find me worthy as I am now.. And its such a core wound. And once in a relationship, I did worked for it and being a woman, I felt so resentful that I stopped talking completely to that person, because it was like I am trying to show my worth so hard, but all they did was reciprocate, but that was obviously not enough.

[@feralcruz2093]

Yes on a video about the notebook!!! It would be cool to have videos every now and then breaking down popular romantic movies

[@bbv5490]

Yes, please make a video about The Notebook!

[@zee-zm1io]

Ticked every box for the relationship I’m avoiding. Mostly being messy and vulnerable. I still can think of anything worse

[@Pheonix1111]

I actually knew about all of these signs, because they were the complete opposite of what I experienced growing up with my parents.

[@lindsayspratt9490]

So right on! Thank you for sharing and as always for your transparency! I would love to hear your take on The Notebook because you know an FA would love that story for all the wrong reasons. 😂

[@reneeyouness7071]

Hi dear I'm 36 years old , all my relationships failed from my part cz I have this fearful avoidant symptoms, they advise me to do the EMDR therapy...what do u think about it?

[@sunbeam9222]

😂

[@sunbeam9222]

So agree with this. I knew my FA wanted me to h in a way and do things for him that showed love. And I could have, it would have been easier for me and it would have been wonderful for a while but I also felt deep down it is manipulative and controlling and I would choose to give them space instead and allow them the time to work it out themselves. They took it as I do not care, in fact I cared a great deal. They broke up with me and probably still think I didn't care. I just wanted a healthy relationship with them.

[@Lleayhe]

Shouldn't it be a good thing when your partner encourages you to do something you want to do but you're a bit anxious about it? I haven't watched The Notebook, but if a partner or a friend tells me they want to, let's say, start painting and they feel insecure about it, why is it such a bad thing to support/help them? I'd absolutely offer to go with them to an art store and buy supplies, watch tutorials, etc. Sometimes it's life changing when a friend is there to not only give you support, but help you do things you're struggling with.

[@sheen0212]

Exactly I don’t see how that’s a bad thing, I mean relying on your partner for a bit of motivation is part of interdependence and merging your lives together!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Ofcourse that's fine, but what The Notebook portrays is that it's only love if someone steps in and pretty much does it all for you. It creates this image that only 'the one' can figure out what you really want and need, and it's only love if they don't just encourage you, but set everything up and pretty much take everything out of your hands. That's the difference. Ofcourse it's ok to be encouraging, but in the end it really is up to you to figure out what makes you happy. Movies like the Notebook create such unrealistic expectations, which leads to being way more unhappy than you need to be!

[@creepydani8]

The most challenging part for me is that I've never managed to be in a relationship until my current partner (I was always rejected by guys) and now I'm always questioning if what I'm experiencing is love or a good relationship because I have nothing to compare it to. I always wonder if there's more or if I'm making a grave mistake. I panic that I'm stuck in the relationship because I can't leave easily (because we built a mutually beneficial life and home). I'm terrified.

[@sunbeam9222]

Wow I d love to have what you have. You built something with someone and it's beneficial to both. If they're also kind, reliable and love you where's the issue? I don't think we need a component of comparison in relationships they're all unique and one can never know what really is going on in another relationship. The only one we need to care about imo is the one we are in right now. Wishing you all the very best x

[@academicrepository8972]

Thanks! How about passion WITH stability early on in a relationship? Is it impossible? Is an intense and consistent love impossible? What are your and Arjen’s zodiacs?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Absolutely possible! But it looks very different than what the fearful avoidant thinks, and it takes way different skills than the (not yet healed) fearful avoidant has :)

[@valeweathers]

"I can talk for hours about this" We're all listening. 🤗

[@Achelois7]

Ugh I soooo relate to the "receiving love without working for it" part. When I get that frome someone, it's like I can't even absorb that. I'm like what is that?

[@Shiro1987]

Going through it myself right now, I feel you girl..

[@Achelois7]

@@Shiro1987 I know we can make it. 💙 It has not been an easy one for me, but we should be patient with our wounds. Also, I recommend you to check out "personal development school" KZbin channel. It has been helping me lately. Hope it helps you too.

[@Shiro1987]

@@Achelois7 Thanks for the tip & good luck to you! 🙂 I'm so feed up whit feeling insecure & having to work so hard in every new love relationship,haha! I feel like I'm gonna burn myself out in them because I feel like I got to be so darn perfect all the time. I get confused when someone give so much. I feel like I need to give back more to deserve it & it stresses me out.. But as you say hopefully we're gonna get used to unconditional love eventially because that is what we both deserve. 💚

[@Achelois7]

@@Shiro1987 I feel you. I've grew up with perfectionist parents and also critical. I do know what you're going through. I definitely, one hundred percent suggest therapy. We all deserve to feel safe and happy. No one, literally no one is deserved to feel this constant up and down that we're dealing with. Also the channel that I mentioned, has some courses I guess for transforming the attachment style to secure. I haven't use them yet but I guess they are good. Check that out too. Wish you the absolute best Nezumi⭐💙

[@sheathomas727]

Love this video so much!!

[@SofieWiik-b9w]

What do you by ‘being messy together’? How?

[@lydia397]

Excellent video, thank you for sharing!

[@aamacphisto]

Great¡¡ could you do a video about how many times avoidant break up and come back to a relationship? when is the ideal moment to reach put after a break up. I have 3 ruptures with her in 1 year and wh have been together for 4.5 years. do they reach out? because I know they are afraid of reject so I think maybe the don't want to reach out. Thanks.

[@sunbeam9222]

If they're close to healing they get the opportunity to reflect, integrate and come back, if their mind is still prioritising fears and doubts and toxic thoughts they will stay away so don't worry life is working it out for you.

[@A123-s7j]

Dear Paulien, you said you released with EFT over 90% auf your trauma concerning the avoidant attachment style. But in which period? Like in a year or even faster? Thank you.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

No it definitely took longer than that, but that's really not relevant as much as you think. Because I had no idea it was the fearful avoidant attachment style for most of that time, and I had no idea what exactly to release!

[@andrisstamers8915]

I feel like a bit of leading in relationship from the male isnt that bad. Is it?

[@academicrepository8972]

Yes, I’m wondering too…

[@ninjamonkey508]

Someone please send this to my ex please 🥺

[@andythebro5811]

Yaaaaayyyy!

[@mahi1066]

Have you ever worried that you don't have enough friendship with your husband also? I worry that my partner doesn't rank "high enough" and if I make new friends our relationship will become "meaningless" :(

[@sanjanashivam4732]

this is me right now. how did you work on this?

[@valeweathers]

Hooray for August 4th!