Sex and the fearful avoidant attachment style

In this video I’m going to talk about sex and the fearful avoidant attachment style. Sex in intimate relationships is quite a big deal isn’t it? The having it, the not having it. As a fearful avoidant all of it can become even more confusing! Let’s dive in!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
READY TO TRULY HEAL?
The Healed & Happy online program is now OPEN:
healingthefearfulavoidant.com/
Heal your fearful avoidant attachment style
- Transform your life
- Feel better, calmer, happier
- Create deep and lasting relationships and connections
Healed and Happy is an online program through an app, in the form of a tailormade journey that takes you to unshakeable peace, deeper love, connection and safety.
Click the link to learn more and sign up: healingthefearfulavoidant.com/
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FREE HEALING CARDS: healingcards.ck.page/69c153a5b2
I'm always looking for ways to help you in your healing journey. These healing cards reveal what it looks and feels like to be healed. These are the affirmations that will make healing the fearful avoidant attachment style so much easier. You can use these as the background of your phone, or print them out and hang them anywhere.
Get them here: healingcards.ck.page/69c153a5b2
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT IS FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
• Understanding Fearful ...
HOW TO HEAL THE FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
• Healing Fearful Avoida...
THE ONE THING I DID TO HEAL
• The 1 thing I did to h...
SUBSCRIBE TO THIS CHANNEL
/ @paulientimmer-healing...
6 LESSER KNOWN CAUSES OF FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
• Fearful Avoidant Attac...
-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
00:30 Sex can pretty much go two ways: you’re hyper sexual or completely shut off
00:55 Having hypersexual tendencies
04:18 Being completely shut off
#fearfulavoidant #healingattachmentstyle #attachmentstyle #hypersexual #shutoff #sex #intimacy #paulientimmer

[@shannon2598]

On one hand, it’s been amazing to discover you and your work over the last week, but it’s almost too much to realise how utterly dysfunctional I’ve been. It’s also a relief to know that there’s an understandable mechanism that I can look at and try to unpick and heal from. Thanks for all the content and your kind and truly compassionate approach ❤❤

[@G00labek]

Truly, I was wondering for years what is wrong with my feelings. Desire towards toxic partners and sudden lack of it while safety relationship developed. Lot of therapists couldn't get the point and I was so anxious according to that. Often they said: Maybe you seek for another person? Maybe your pattern of choosing a partner is not actually yours? But nothing got better for years. And I KNEW something was wrong with my emotional life that my therapists couldn't understand somehow. Now I know. Literally since I'd found your channel I got new perspective and some intuitions, like the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together, but now I can clearly see the core of the problem. I have a strong intuition that what you are talking about fits my dilemmas perfectly; at last I can feel a click. Finally I feel there's someone who know that problem and understand it. Thank you! I feel calm each time after watching your videos. Something deep inside me strongly resonates with what you say. My only regret is that I did not know this content before my last relationship fell apart.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I'm so happy to hear the pieces of the puzzle begin to fit together. I'm so happy you are here :)

[@shannon2598]

Me too! 💖

[@Sssmokin420]

Holy shit me too

[@covidradio1387]

It is very insightful listening to you. As a fearful avoidant, in my 5th decade of life, I really want to heal and be capable to give and receive love. Thank you so much.

[@lauraboyes6345]

Spot on basically - I was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person - where the sex was good. And now - exactly as you said - a much more stable secure relationship where I have almost zero desire - and yes while I regard my partner as being mostly secure, I feel he has some issues around sex. And again what you said - I feel reluctant to rock the boat of what is stable. Sex is a hurtful traumatic topic and it just feels way too problematic - I can't manage my own insecurities around it never mind his as well.

[@refreshingtwist]

relateable

[@pahuljica7133]

Pauline, I was literally taking a shower thinking "I should write a comment to Pauline asking her to make a video on avoidants and sex, I'm sure she has much to say about this" and I see this today 😄♥️ How splendid! I haven't even watched the video yet, but I just had to leave this comment immediately ✨✨✨

[@Apollothekid]

I can’t explain how true the shi you’re saying is. I’m a man, just found out about all the attachment style shi. I was skeptical at first but the shi you say hits like a mac truck. I’m a Fearful Avoidant 😅. Um, yes I can say you are correct, from a male perspective it does happen with guys specifically on what you were saying with being emotional. I recently got out of a relationship and seeing my patterning how I crave intimacy, and once I get, I’m like okay and pull away. It’s like I want to have the control to turn it on and off. Like I was seeing this girl after I got out a relationship, and when were having sex it was very passionate and then after that I would pull away. And as time went on and she wanted to be closer still, the longer I was in that area when I didn’t want to be, I would have flash backs of just this “Doom state” is the best way I can describe it. Death. Like I was gonna die. And I see that now it’s cause I’m 100% scared of Deep Connection. I crave it but when I get it I run away. Before it was unconsciously happening now I got like hold myself I don’t f know. Thank you Paulien. 🙏🪽

[@aldorabarrow5829]

I feel this and it's good to hear a guys perspective. For me it's not death, it's being locked up in a prison cell with no way out. I see emotional attachment like being stuck in a cage rather than a beautiful thing 😶‍🌫

[@Deeegenerate]

​@@aldorabarrow5829 For me it's both, and my brain tries to find ways to rationalize it and tell me it's logical 😮‍💨

[@daniemotioninsound]

I can't believe how much I resonate with this. In college, we learned that this attachment style is caused by big traumas and I couldn't find myself in the causes. I was very, very confused throughout my life thinking I'm an anxious type. But now, I've been thinking I'm FA for some time and it all clicks for me. But I still don't get it how could I be this style if I wasn't abused in my household. I felt somewhat neglected, but other than that my family loves me and they didn't want to hurt me. Honestly it's still confusing, but at least I know which style I am. Thank you for the knowledge and experience you provide. I've been in a 3 year relationship, pretty healthy one, nad I have zero sexual desire, unlike before when I was with emotionally unavailable people. So this is pretty much spot on...

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Just in the past week, i came to the realization that i substitute extreme sensation in place of emotional connection that i say i want but also feels unavailable and confusing, messy, etc. And then i come across this video. When the student is ready, the teacher indeed appears!

[@refreshingtwist]

This is all very interesting stuff. I am a Fearful Avoidant and currently repulsed by sex and dating. I was, for several months, in a friends with benefits situation (for the first time in my life). At first, I didn't know if it would suit me. But, over time, I realized that it felt like a very safe situation to be in - because feelings were detached. But now, for the last month or so, I have been repulsed by sex and men in general and have told this friends with benefits guy that I'm just not into sex at the moment. He is kind and understanding and we have been refraining. I wonder if this detached form of sex has harmed my psyche. I now feel like a piece of meat. I long for love and a deep connection, but I'm also terrified of it. I also miss being intimate with someone I love. I think I have learned that this form of arrangement is not for me. It's all very interesting. Being an FA is so HARD.

[@glimlachinuitvoeringtv6297]

It is 😢

[@CrocPit]

I totally relate

[@j.enantiodromia3940]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a guy... and I completely relate. A certain "part" of me, doesn't even let me have sex any more, because of how disgusted and shallow I find sex has become. It isn't "true intimacy". It's just a disgusting lie. It makes me feel so angry, stupid and pathetic, because I believed that it meant someone loved me... Most people just love my body... and sex. Not me... 😮‍💨

[@refreshingtwist]

@j.enantiodromia3940 I'm sorry to hear that. I still feel the same way, too. Always second guessing why a man is talking to me. Is he just saying all the right things to get into bed with me? Probably. Therefore, I want nothing to do with it. Ah, I need therapy, for sure. I wish you healing as well. And I hope you find someone genuine in the future.

[@j.enantiodromia3940]

@@refreshingtwist I appreciate that! I've been going through therapy for a couple years, but I've actually been avoiding my attachment issues... I obviously am looking to feel and share similarities, so although I'm not looking to get in bed with you, I am in some way looking for intimacy and appreciate the openness and connection you've given me... ...so, maybe you're actually still okay. Maybe we are, because we have just changed what intimacy means to us. Intimacy and sex, aren't the same thing anymore, but they used to be, right? I want authentic, genuine, connection and intimacy. I don't see anything wrong with looking for it in other ways than sex and making sure that isn't all you are, to someone, sounds like a good idea! I think maybe the problem we have though, is our distaste and almost hate for sex. I mean, it's not sex that's the problem, right? My logical side knows that, but emotionally... I really can't shake the feeling, that most people really do make it all about the sexuality of a relationship rather than the intimacy. Even lying, in order to have sex... ...Hm, for an example: I really want to sleep naked with someone, way more than I want to have sex. That and...I'm kind of scared of losing myself, so I want to ease into sex, because the best sex, usually has you losing a bit of control, right? You have to feel safe for that and I'M WAY TOO UNSURE OF ME and distrusting of other people right now. ...Oh sorry... I'm rambling. I guess, I just want to let you know it's not an "all men" kind'a thing. Maybe it's a "most men" thing. I personally think it might be a "most people", kind'a thing, but... Don't lose hope. I really have felt my hope sliding away and if I can give you a little more to hold onto, I really would love that. I can't... Really do it for myself and well, there's a safe distance between me and you so, you can't really hurt me too bad, so... ...For what it's worth... I don't have to really know you, in order to say... I love you... and hope you get through this and find someone you can trust, to meet your needs... If you do find it, maybe you could let me know, yeah? I'd like to have some more hope too. 😅😖

[@SpaceCatize]

Wow Paulien, thank you! You approached the topic with a way i think is really inclusive, especially in the regard of the difference of sexual experiences / beliefs in people. It is a really hard thing to deal with, incredibly distressing when the thought of having sex with one´s partner creates a strong anxiety response. Your insight was helpful. Also, to anyone struggling with intimacy, my heart goes out to you. You don´t have to leave or break up.

[@jahray6300]

This is so me! I even went as far as identifying as demisexual because of how my sexual habits oscilate between being turned off from it and being hypersexual

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing your experience!❤

[@whaleyouwonder]

Wow yeah I did this too at one point

[@daniemotioninsound]

I thought I was asexual... But I still think I could be demisexual if I healed. But I won't know until I heal the attachment style though 😅

[@thomaspan6514]

This helps a lot. My FA used sex to get me. Now sex or even intimicy does not exist. I think my consistent love made it that way.

[@scasey0224]

I totally relate to this, my FA was the best lover I have ever known, for about 8 months....and then when the relationship became "secure" she completely flipped into being distant and passionless and super jealous of other women everywhere...I am trying to understand it, but it is completely opposite of how I view the world...I am afraid our "long term relationship" has a limited shelf life.

[@Jurana_music]

You seriously somehow go inside my mind for each video. Thank you!! Very helpful and explanatory!

[@refreshingtwist]

I believe I have a massive desire to be wanted sexually by men. That is where the majority of my self-worth has come throughout my adult life. I have come to this conclusion lately - and it has added to this overall feeling of just not wanting to be sexual with men at all anymore. I think I have finally found my self-respect. But I would argue that sex hits me on a core wound of "I'm not worthy", or "I'm not worthy of love". That is what is being triggered for me. And I desire so deeply to prove that I am worthy - through being hyper-sexual because that is what I believe men want, and I want to be wanted. If that all makes sense. However, I am on a journey lately to find my worth in other things, like self-respect and not in whether or not a guy wants to sleep with me.

[@jahray6300]

I hear you i relate 💙 this is my realization about myself too

[@j.enantiodromia3940]

Well, I'm a guy... and I'm not going to say your wrong about guys wanting sex, but most people do. Although, why do you think guys don't also get hit in that same wound!? Why do you think men want "hyper-sexual" women? You ever think, that men also want to feel worthy too? That's why the term "incel" hurts guys! That's why so many want to have big *cough* "parts". It's so they can prove their own utility and use, to YOU! What else are they useful for? Money? Well why do you think they work so hard to be at the top!? It's all for you... or it's all for the same reasons you do, what you do for them. Why do you think so many men can also hate women? It's for the same reasons you might start to hate men. It's just women always have simps (who they for some reason don't care about)... Who do men have? In the end, it doesn't matter because all humans are just dumb, needy, selfish animals and eventually, the sex "drug" wears off on some of us. Leading us to realize we're just using others and being used... 🎶 Sweet Dreams are made of these 🎶...Apparently. Certainly not my sweetest of dreams...🤨 Everyone is too lost in themselves to "love". At my core, I don't believe in love anymore. I couldn't have sex now, even if I wanted to, because as a male, there's a fairly crucial physiological response that DOESN'T maintain it's state anymore. I only had sex with two partners, with an 8 year gap, because of how much sex meant to me... But now sex is just a disgusting, shallow, self-satisfying lie! I wanted to be loved... But everyone else loves "feeling good", not me. If I don't make someone feel good, then I'm abandoned as quickly as you, my dear... It's the same shit. It doesn't matter what team your playing for. 😮‍💨

[@whaleyouwonder]

Wow I relate to you, sometimes I’ve felt like if I’m not hyper sexual my sexuality isn’t valid so I just shut off completely from myself. And what you mentioned with this seeking worthiness and validation, completely. It was almost like being hyper sexual would make me feel valid as a person but then I would get burnt out and then turn off completely and then wonder about my sexuality as a whole. Thank you for your comment, I’m going to continue to reflect because I deeply relate!

[@refreshingtwist]

@whaleyouwonder And every time someone likes/ comments on this - it gets me to reflect some more! Haha! Wishing you all the best!

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

SO resonant, like always!!🙌🏼💜 always want to hear more from you! You are such a blessing!!

[@SpicyLimon4723]

I don’t know why I feel rejected when my man doesn’t want to do sexual stuff but then when we do I feel like that’s all he cares about from me. And I know that is absolutely NOT true, it gives me anxiety overall and I want it to stop 😭 is that considered sexual shame? I don’t know what it is or how to fix it.

[@brumbybailey6599]

I think both of my parents were avoidant. They didn't like me randomly hugging them, there were very strict rules around touch. And it wasn't like I was a clingy kid either.

[@lizzzarduh]

Wow I found the hyper sexual part to be very true. To the point of it becoming an addiction.. it can be so powerful.

[@drewytruebeast]

This page has been super helpful for me

[@sakshic317]

Hi Paulien. Thank you for making this video. Your channel has really opened my eyes to why i struggle with all the things I've been struggling with. I haven't realised how shut off i have been and wondering what the issue really is.

[@Brian.Murphy]

Could you do a video on the crossover between FAs and Borderline Personality Disorder...seems there's a LOT of overlap or at least a strong potential connection.

[@love_kiwee]

extremely helpful for me and answers heaps of questions around my relationship choices and sexual desires from the past 10 years.... would love to hear even more about this topic!!!!

[@valeweathers]

Very good topic. Let's dive in.

[@andreahoyosl]

Wow me encanta este contenido. Tb lucho con mis tendencias de FA y escuchar estos consejos me ha ayudado mucho a entenderme mejor. Parecería que me describe a mí. Al fin alguien me entiende y ayuda❤

[@aamacphisto]

Awesome! I would like to hear more about the last part of the video. Why FA could say/think that a relationship of 4 years or more is great on sex but not in the other topics like love, holding hands, trip, go dinner etc (when the other part of the relationship definitely doesn’t think that at all and is surprise the FA think that suddenly)

[@TheColtonStreeter]

Sad that the ones who dont care recieve what they are wanting. (Love and affection and sex)

[@Nipponsuki]

Wow I've been dealing with both of these things at the same time. It has been so confusing.

[@franzisch9708]

Thanks so much for your channel it helps so much watching your videos!!!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you so much for being here!

[@POTSSociety]

The cuteness and the accent. 😊

[@alexistokarska9541]

I realised that for me It's this strange flip where I can relax in intimacy that's constant for a short time, like 3 days in a row, and then I'm just shutting down. Like completely, to the point when my boyfriend asks me whether something happened. I'm mire silent, out of place, my thoughts are wandering somewhere. It's kind of like vulnerability hangover where I'm open to kissing, touching, making out one time, but then I'm totally breaking the connection without intention to do so and I'm scared of that feeling of being disconnected. And of course I'm sometimes wondering if we're like kissing too much or touching too much, spending too much time doing all of this, is it normal? Should we stop? Should we withhold ourselves? I guess It's because I'm scared of it, of actually being more intimate and of the fact that I do like it, I do enjoy it.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing you experience, this is very valuable! It's also very common in FA. Understanding that this could come from being scared is already a good step, which you can explore more.❤

[@alexistokarska9541]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you Paulien! It's so good to know that what's happening to me is valid and normal and that's thanks to you and your good work!🩷

[@furleysbrain]

Btw ‘vulnerability hangover’ is a tremendous phrase!

[@Tam438]

So helpful! 🙏

[@mariannerobin9028]

Thank you soooo much for this

[@nanoekbos1009]

Super valuable, thank you!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

So happy to hear this! Thank you for being here❤

[@kevinbryllefamador948]

I'm dating a full-blown FA, I'd like to think I'm being a secured base in the relationship. But I am starting to feel insecure about my partner's lack of desire regarding sex and physical intimacy. Our connection is great, and we're both working towards becoming more secured, but I am starting to feel I'm not getting my sexual needs met. We have had numerous conversations about the topic, my FA just says: I'm not ready for that yet. We will get there. I'm starting to worry that what if we would never get there. I feel stuck in this area. How can I better approach the subject of sex to my FA? They know this is important to me in a relationship, and I know that them saying NO to it right now also comes with shame, guilt, and anger.

[@Kitaap]

If relationship was a spectrum, than secure attachment is on one end, and avoidance is on the other. Fearful avoidancy is on about 30% of the line, where anxious is in about 70% on the line. Secure is 100%. So you see that the FA has to make a major leap, an improvement of 200% to make it to secure. You should expect that it's a life long process. And ask yourself if you can be the right partner for such person.

[@aamacphisto]

Could you talk about FA and sex while in a breakup? And later they comeback with their partner. What do FA do while in a breakup? And maybe it’s important to add the “depression “ fact.

[@elizabeth__679]

I am SO glad I found your channel. I have always thought that I was anxious / avoidant, but turns out I'm FA. Bit of a rude shock... Can you please do a video for partners of those with FA? Maybe you could cover the basics / something that would help partners understand us a bit better... ?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I'm so happy you are here! Here you go: kzbin.info/www/bejne/apmWlJWvZriahaM

[@bidmajnun]

Made so much sense! how can you see it so clear like this?

[@cainalthea2604]

Its scary How accurate this was for my partner. I miss her so much…

[@petrahorzelenberg5410]

Yessss!!!! Finnaly 😇🥰🤗 thank you, dank je wel!!!

[@TheNokernok]

Please do more videos on this topic , with fokus on the part of wanting a partner but no sexual attraction

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you! I will look into this!

[@MostlyCloudy]

I used to be hypersexual. Then I did some healing and became an absolute prude. I'm working through that right now since I'm married and abstinence isn't part of the deal lol

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Wrote this down as a future video topic, since it is so common in Fearful Avoidants!

[@MostlyCloudy]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 AWESOME can't wait to see it

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Are Fearful Avoidants cheaters??

[@daryaqadernejad1231]

Greay video Im so glad if you answer my question When actually fearful avoident ends the relationship and never come back to that relashionship

[@sunbeam9222]

Omgoodness. This is surreal. You are 100% on point with all other videos describing my FA partner. I only watched this one because I thought ok let me find where it will not relate cos it's getting scary how textbook all the is a d I honestly thought sex is such a specific dynamic to each relationship I just cannot find it resonating much here. Well well, how wrong. First time me and FA were intimate was on first date. Huge attraction ended up in bed. I found the sex real nice but not mind-blowing. Apparently it was to him. I definitely have bit of an issue towards getting totally secure towards sex because of my upbringing. Not hugely tho and I usually relax with it as the relationship goes. But then once I was relaxing to relationship and therefore sex, FA starred telling me he can't relax into sex with me because he's afraid to hurt me, then he started blaming me for all kind of things I have never been blamed for when it comes to sex. He seemed very confused about the fact it went so well the first time and it's not working anymore now. And I am 99% sure my attitude and feelings and relation to sex were exactly the same then as it is now and nothing has changed on my part.

[@JD-dv9kc]

Six years with a fearful avoidant (i believe she is). I recently got into a big fight with her and being an anxious attached, she has shut down for the last three months. No emotions, she was submissive and sex life was amazing. I went to touch her and she blocked me and said it was her body. She won't hold my hand, texts go unanswered. Sleeping with clothes on, sleeping further away. As much as it hurts, it's time for her to go

[@anitayougotit885]

Thank you for this video! I healed already a lot. Through the past, but especially through watching your videos and integrating that! When it comes to sex, I notice with my partner that I still am afraid of rejection or of not being able to have this connection moment now. Sometimes I wait in the bed for him to wake up, even if I really feel like getting up already but I feel so strongly that I‘m afraid to have less connection through that. What also happens is that he is usually fastly ready for sex and I am more slow and need more time more touch. Also which kind of touch and which bodyparts and which not are always different. I notice it but sometimes it’s really hard for me to share that I‘m not ready for that touch yet. It is always beautiful and it comes with his best intention and love, but I think I‘m afraid that he things, I don’t want it, or then he wants to stop. It’s exactly like you said with this connection moment. But we connect without sex also completely. I think it might be a pattern from the past.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

That is such a common difference between men and women! It really is one big explorative adventure, figuring out what works for both of you. Thank you so much for commenting all this, so valuable.

[@aamacphisto]

I would like to hear what is for FA like after breaking up the relationship, more than 4 years, when the last days FA was happy and suddenly break up saying their partner doesn’t let them live like they want and the dumped is shocked about that because it is not true. FA have sex easily with other people? Do they get sad? Do they cry? Do they stalk social media? Do they reach out? Do they like seeing the partner post’s romantic stuff?

[@Danny_sunny_daze]

Every time my fa broke up with me she would sleep around She slept with 2 guys on the same day and then felt guilty and came over and slept with me. I didn't know untill she confided in me months later I'm still traumatised and processing it after we broke up again. And she wanted to stay friends with benefits And I finally said enough and cut all ties That was a month ago and I'm destroyed

[@melissarose2311]

So how do we fix this?! This resonates with me so much omg.

[@michaelsanchez8457]

So certain girls don't want sex if you are too available. This would seem to be the type where they prefer guys that don't like them.

[@reemsaif3105]

Is there any hope with healing that? I'm trying my best but dont see much hope because of the intensity of it.

[@fernfunk]

just clarifying: so if the s3x is great but the rest of relationship is full of bad communication it's another way of avoiding intimacy for the FA? just like not having s3x but having an otherwise ok relationship?

[@taap8519]

Big fan! Thank you for your videos! I truly believe you will save my marriage. Do you have a way of contacting you? Thank you again

[@littledevil8146]

Thanks for the video... ♥♥♥ It's very valuable. But how come they don't feel rejected by that emotionally unavailable person???

[@nyomansabun1136]

Is this valuable you asked!. Its me to a T. Unfort i had recently had this exact experience. Extremely painful to say the least. Thank you.

[@bk6131]

Ran through the vedios regarding sex. Quite confused what's healthy person behave after first time sex in the relationship?

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

Hey again! I've heard that some FAs and DAs lose all attraction to people as soon as there's a possibility of intimacy (I.e., before kissing, sex, anything). Is this true/possible?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It can definitely happen! Especially if there is a negative association around physical intimacy

[@julesclarke6140]

It is true for me or at least used to be. When intimacy begins, small touches like a caress on the hand or whatevs, I feel good, I'm okay, I want to spend time with that person but as soon as my body reacts with arousal or whatever it is, I feel really sick, like I'm about to pass out from fear, like I will puke and yet I want to be with them in that moment, I just don't want to feel attraction because it's rooted in my brain that attraction will make me weak, get me to turn my guard down and trust someone who'll hurt me deeply. And the days after these sensations appear, I gradually find reasons as to why the other person and I shouldn't mix, I become aloof when communicating until the other person gets tired and goes away, then I feel safe, alone. (And months after, I understand what happened and I feel guilt)

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

@@julesclarke6140 oh wow, so hard :( thanks so much for sharing!🙏

[@julesclarke6140]

@@Nicole-yx8ms You are very welcome. I get that sharing experiences like this and feelings can help people better understanding themselves or a partner, know that they're not alone, that they're not monsters for reacting this way

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

@@julesclarke6140 that's very beautiful of you! I agree that sharing is vital for healing💕🙏

[@listen9416]

Translation: stay away from a fearful avoidant

[@lorirobinson4665]

Can you do I video on why you keep attaching to the same kind of people and how you can pick a healthy person

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I talk about how to recognize a healthy/happy relationship in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/sHismImmecuCldE I wrote down 'why you keep attracting the same kind of people' as a future video topic!

[@PaulO-xh7sr]

damn. good explained me

[@NoName-zb1gm]

I know a nice woman who seems like a FA. I hope she didn't use sex. I hope she's better than that. It saddens me when people abuse their minds and bodies.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

❤

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

Sorry for the numerous messages! I keep thinking of so many questions related to this topic!! What does "shutting off" look and feel like for an FA during intimacy? Would this be "feeling nothing", bored, apathy, unattracted, numb, empty? Or something else? Also, can being FA affect our sexual fantasies as well? Such as thrning them "off", etc.? Such an intriguing and relevant topic for me. Thank you again Paulien!!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

All of what you describe can be shutting off!

[@mr.soundguy968]

This girl I've known who showed all the signs of being a fearful avoidant was a lioness in bed, but she didn't want me to kiss her... Just everything else, but not that :(

[@MahamSuhail]

Is that a DA or an AA, actually? I think I'm AA (Anxious/Fearful Avoidant) and I was shocked about the fact in my last situationship that he wouldn't wNna kiss. Later, when he did start kissing, he didn't wanna go deep like I wanted to. Also, he would like for me to pleasure him but he wouldn't do a few things I'd ask of him to do to please me, or he did so only after my insisting a few different times. What was that about now, I wonder! Werev new to me, such sexual patterns.

[@brumbybailey6599]

That's why I want to deal with my avoidance before I have a committed partner, and then wait until marriage so I feel safe.

[@marcybar4797]

I dont feel anything during the intercourse. I am completely numb. No libido, no sex desire, no orgasms, nothing. Dont know why?

[@asianooasia6719]

when i approach my avoidant woman, she is anxious and i have to stop. how can i have a sexual relation with her ?

[@tj4787]

Thank you very valuable! You explained the sexual dynamic of it my ex is a fearful avoidant a male he is hyper sexual to the point he broke up with me after 2.5 years !! But still has pursued me over the past 3 years ! We just had a date ! Exceptional sex ! He’s running again ! I’ve learned to give him space , but perhaps I need to confront the space !

[@MrMalum]

I suggest making the size of space an infinite amount

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@tj4787 They will break up with you over and over again!!!!

[@cashleysimone5361]

Do you think my ick for guys that talk sexually early on in dating is unwarranted? Like a guy jokingly asking for nudes or asking me to tell him what I like sexually…we haven’t even been on a date yet, just talking…

[@angelcoyote9802]

Your ick meter is completely valid.

[@brumbybailey6599]

Yeah, that's inappropriate and disrespectful of him.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

THAT'S JUST GROSS!!!!!

[@islamfares2172]

My ex girlfriend was fa am happy now thanks for a god

[@eppsislike]

6:30 is the moment i realized you're Dutch hehehe

[@redko79]

Real avoidant don't to the "sex" step Simply...

[@appleheaddefender]

With sexual things i immediately dissociate from the situation so theres no connection at all

[@oxymoron458]

1st

[@hello-zr9hv]

I have never felt so UNDERSTOOD!

[@Shane46587]

Seems like a lot of contradictions.

[@aritranaruto]

I don't feel anything during sex, even though I do sexual things. I just feel empty.

[@aritranaruto]

It feels completely technical.

[@aritranaruto]

I feel like I am doing it for approval and I feel guilty and ashamed for not feeling emotions while having sex.

[@aritranaruto]

It breaks my heart.

[@aritranaruto]

I am male, and I have a very hard time getting turned on or orgasming.

[@kknkkknk1]

You are so confusing me!

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Those types are not human. Leave 😂

[@diaoopshi4813]

oh mu god, thank god for you🥹🥹🥹🥹i thought there was something wrong with me sexually ... i have had so much trouble not enjoying it, shutting off, not leting myself feel relaxed . thank u thank u thank u