Fearful Avoidant Attachment: 5 Reasons For Feeling Tension In Healthy Relationships | HealingFa.com

[@ilovelearning6529]

as a secured person, it’s disheartening to know someone you like keep thinking about 100 reasons why they should not be with you vs I am thinking about 100 reasons why I should be with them.

[@sunbeam9222]

Exactly. I m secure and only good thoughts about them, no anger, so when they " lash out" , reject me and decide I m now their enemy it can feel quite lonely cos I still view them as my lover, in my team, I focus on resolution for us both, they act as if I want to eat them alive.

[@fatatabata]

@@sunbeam9222 It's a big good sign ! They have been activated (emotionally) because they start FEELING love towards you ! Whenere love is activated, fears are activated as well. It's a sign of rhe "mask" starting to fall, the harmour starting to crack. Not it's time for you both to start a very SLOW healing journey where short, lovely exposures to each other are taking place. Fearful avoidants

[@selecter99]

So far, you are the best resource I’ve found to articulate and address this attachment style. Very helpful and relatable. Thank you for your work

[@atfritz]

Agreed!

[@lke4907]

The tension is so stressful to me. It is everyday throughout the day. So so upsetting. I was single and alone for 9 years so I was "safe" and now I'm in a relationship (the first serious healthy relationship of my life), and I can barely handle it and navigate it. I am working on healing while in this relationship. I just found out I am an FA. I was in denial my entire life. How sad I feel. Yet happy to have found the love I craved, desired, and need!!!

[@kaybennett5324]

I can very much related to this given I've found someone after 15 years who lights me up inside.. But the tension is intense!

[@destaniehugs67]

it is a self fulfilling prophesy. im always waiting for him to hurt me, leave me, or reject me. in doing so, I am not being open and loving, causing him to pull back then make me think "ah ha. i knew this would happen." when im really causing it all myself. so confusing but I'm happy I have people to relate to.

[@cha9165]

Yes! I hope you are ok

[@destaniehugs67]

@@cha9165 yes i am still with him and i feel more love each and everyday. On anti anxiety medicine and started therapy! Theres hope❤️❤️❤️

[@dooorthvader]

“you are afraid to feel safe” you’ve described what I’ve been trying to understand about myself. I’m gaining so much from you on my healing journey, thank you!

[@tayyisa]

I've never felt so understood. Can't believe you just put everything I go through into words

[@mer-ced-es]

Omg finally a channel for FAs specifically. I discovered I'm FA exactly one year ago. I'm delighted to meet other people struggling with this. P.S. You are sooooo beautiful! P.P.S. YESS the FA tension is so real. Nervous system always on edge..

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Ohh now I'm crying. This is EXACTLY why I started this channel, just for FAs. Im so looking forward to making this the community we all want and long for. So happy you are here! Let me know if there's anything you want me to cover in a video!

[@mer-ced-es]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you are so nice! You're Dutch, right? I'm from Germany 🙋🏼‍♀️ I am super interested in other FA's perspective

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Love this, I'll put healing enmeshment trauma on the list! I am Dutch, that's right! Hi neighbour! :) So happy you are here.

[@mer-ced-es]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 💐💐💐

[@day-dreamer1313]

Yusss with the nervous system! Same for me. 😔

[@OBNfull1000]

Constantly looking for perfection is really messing with my relationship. I tell myself the exact story you explained. Feeling bad I don't like my partner all the time, thinking maybe I don't like them enough, feeling like I should break up, not wanting to and then feeling bad I'm holding them there by not breaking up.

[@plescanbianca1297]

I absolutely relate! And I'm so scared they'll find someone that they deserve and not someone confused like me, which we'll make me believe even harder that I'm not good enough! I hope we can both heal from this :>

[@sunbeam9222]

I know understand why my FA would get so triggered when I said I felt confused by their behaviour. To me it was a neutral thing to say and we'd talk and clear up the confusion and that would be it, I have zero intention to break up, it was normal to me to feel confused at times and communication sorts that out. But he would panic and be harsh and I was omg is there nothing I am allowed to express here 🙈

[@kosar388]

20:06 same here i am so tense and my doubt about how i feel about them makes me even more tense and afraid to hurt them and show myself . I have even trouble explaining my feelings that are confused and they see the real me which is so unsure . I want them but i dont want them at the same time .

[@onewayticket2148]

The greyzone you talked about is so true. I’ll say loving words to my partner that don’t lower my walls or shows any vulnerability but I want them to show me vulnerability always. I want them to give love always at a constant rate so that I could decide how much to give at any moment. If I ever sense them being off in any way I get mad internally and distance myself just because I don’t want to break the ice and be vulnerable. I hate this push and pull. I wonder if my partner has any fault in this too or if it’s just me.

[@lpsensei522]

Key things to accept : *You cannot change another person, only yourself. * Healing starts from loving yourself unconditionally no matter what. * Forgive anyone and everyone who hurt you. * Forgive yourself for Overgiving and trying to seek validation from other people in relationships and letting yourself be hurt by someone outside you. * Always be in gratitude that you know a core wound now and have an opportunity to heal from it. * First you learn to love yourself and fill your cup and then start filling other's cup from that place of love. ❤

[@reneeleighkaraoke]

Thankgod for your channel. I'm working through this currently and it is so painful and TERRIFYING.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I see you. It is so scary, which means you are SO BRAVE. Do not underestimate that. I'm so happy you are here!

[@sb7674]

Finding this video feels like a thousand pounds has been lifted off my chest. I am so grateful that you have shared your experiences😭🙏

[@KingTridentsTribe]

I just found your channel, and I’ve watched a couple of your videos. You’re doing such a great job explaining the FA perspective, which I am very curious and interested in learning. I have a video request; How can a partner of a FA be supportive when the FA uses distancing strategies or stonewalls. Keep up the great work, and you’ve earned a sub from me! I send you much Healing, Love, and Light!✌🏼❤️😊

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you so much, I will definitely put that on the list! That is a great request.

[@morehn]

They can identify it when they see it and address it extremely directly and compassionately and the fa may feel safe discussing the issue

[@wayne8445]

I agree; she explains things so directly and compassionately (typical FA threat 😊). It makes the most apparent sense to me.

[@mariea.1015]

Hi Paulien! Thank you so much for everything you are doing. I have 2 questions that maybe you can address in a video? 1. How do you tell your partner you have all this ROCD/fearful avoidant thoughts? Like I’m always scared he will call it quits if I tell him I have those intrusive thoughts about him and the relationship. 2. Why is it that during the worst down times of ROCD/fearful avoidant the thoughts seems sooooo real??? It feels like they are the absolute truth, and almost like the good moments never existed it’s crazy. How did you deal with that? Thank you so much ! It’s so great to finally have someone to relate to!

[@sharonjumba4648]

Hi Mariea, sharing with my boyfriend has allowed him to offer me support. All this feels so real because it's a flashback, we emotionally go back to those moments that we felt unsafe and helpless. I hope you're growing in security.

[@petrahorzelenberg5410]

I bursted into tears on 4.one 😥 I felt sooo sory for my man to ever had to feel this way 💔 he told me this in our first month of dating (we know each other since middle school, started dating almost four years ago), when he voiced his concerns about us starting something more serious, than anyway eventually I will find out how he really is and will leave him. And he is trying to proof it to me ever since, in almost any possible way 🥴😇 but, I'm stubborn, determined to show him exactly the opposite. That my love for him isn't conditional, have nothing to do whit his behaviour and can't be harmed by it. That even when I don't like how he acts, I still love him, just the way he is. He is just amaizing man, when he let himself be who he is, when he lower his guard down (in few moments he even put it down for a bit, just with me 💕) but we are both working on ourselves and on us together and he is slowly getting to like himself and he is becoming even greater man. It is soo hard for me sometimes, especially with having anxiously preoccupied attachment style and his way for calming down are triggers for me, but is it so worthted. We are getting stronger and stronger, cause we always had this connection, like we see each others souls, like we known each other for ever, ... it is so strong that when we went out, partying, strangers was coming to us, telling us how great we are together, how we radiate our chemistry, asking us how we do it, how long we are together and so on. And when it is hard for me, I can manage it by seing how much even more hurt must he than feel, to even act this way. And I know that the only thing that can make him believe in me not going anywhere is just that. I never leave him 🥰

[@petrahorzelenberg5410]

And the quiz confirmed my anxious attachment style 😊

[@lizzzarduh]

This is so beautiful to read ❤ hoping for the best for you

[@CynthiaWithLove]

Thats great but you need to have conditions honey. No love is unconditional except God's love. You're needs must be met also.

[@cristinastefan2504]

Finally…i”m so grateful for this…i”ve been trying so hard to understand…this is so helpful…

[@sharkbite6577]

Can you please make a video about friends knowing our partner as a fearful avoidant I am so afraid of my friends not approving of my boyfriend that it causes me to wanna break up so when ever my friends invite me to places with my partner I always go alone because it’s easier and I don’t have to stress about what my partner will do or say.

[@DD-ic1bd]

This is an excellent, detailed analysis of FA feelings, the "fear brain".. is very insightful and helpful! FA's need to get good at discerning real vs imagined threats. There are many real red flags and real threats.. people we need to avoid relationships with.. keep vigilant and stay clear of those people!!

[@sylvievachon1020]

Wow this hit me 100% ..im in a healthy relationship and I struggle with letting them see me because they will see my darker side of being a fearful avoidant and he won't want me. And your right my fear brain says if someone so sweet can't love me then who will?

[@CP-so6sc]

Do you have a video or planning one about the dynamics when two FAs date? Sometimes it feels too chaotic and unhealthy even when both doing the work.

[@day-dreamer1313]

This is me right now. I'm starting to feel like I should end my relationship but I can't tell if it's b/c I'm genuinely unhappy and we may not be compatible, or if it's my FA attachment style rearing its ugly head and causing trouble as he'snot really done anything wrong. It's so hard. I want to love and be loved but am afraid of getting hurt so I'm always looking for, and finding, the negative. And then I get exhausted and want out. 😔 Thanks so much for this video!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Ugh I see you, this is really hard and so exhausting. One question I always ask my girls that might help: what do you think about him and the relationship when you are relaxed and in a 'sober' state? Sober means you are not triggered, your fearbrain isn't on a rampage. Those are the moments you can trust. So when there are moments that you do like him, and you can see a future together, its ok to trust those when you are in a 'drunk' state (where your fearsystem is activated and everything feels like a threat). Does that help?

[@day-dreamer1313]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 it does yes, thank you! It's a good way to look at it. 💜

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 I actually don't feel like I have any "sober" states anymore.. just constant unattraction, "I don't want this", trigger, etc. It makes me doubt that he could be right for me.

[@SweetSerenadeXyWem]

Hey Paulien. I'm actually Dutch and saw the Dutch channel before this one haha but glad I also found this one. Through your Dutch channel I realised that I definitely relate to this attachment style. I have a relationship with a guy since a short while and before we became official I also watched your video's because I really struggled with the fact that I didn't feel those butterflies I thought I had to feel to make it official (the only reason why I'm a bit happy with not feeling the butterflies is that my eyes were still open to the possibilty of a red flag. He's just such a good guy though and we match well). Partly thanks to you, I decided to make it official anyway. Although I'm still stressed sometimes, your video's helped me see things from a different perspective and helped me calm down a bit. While watching this video I just teared up. I suddenly realised I am so incredibly scared to let him see every part of me (because I fear the rejection so much). And the part about perfection: the whole relationship is good and healthy, but it stresses me out sometimes that I don't feel those butterflies yet. So when anything happens that could mean that I have to put an end to it (like a short comment from just one person) I just panic. Anyway your video's help me calm down a bit and make me feel understood, so thank you. I'll keep binge watching them haha.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

So happy you're here! En zoo herkenbaar wat je schrijft. Dat had ik kunnen schrijven 10 jaar geleden :)

[@Kittyququmber]

Any comments on how when the FA interacts with their caregiver who remains manipulative and harmful and pushing the FA’s partner away giving the FA that they ARE suddenly being important to this manipulative caregiver??? How does this influence the FA and his/her partner?

[@MntRprznt]

Ths funny how that translates to other forms of life. I had that shit activating when I got my last car - as you go on with those, you keep upgrading to better and better ones. The last one was the most expensive, best condition ever, so since I got it I was just waiting for something to break down, to fail, to prove it wasnt worth spending that money on it, and when it finally happened [30e belt I swapped out myself], i felt a relief. C razy.

[@livedeliciously]

It's terrible realizing that so much of this applies to me. I feel utterly broken now.

[@Foeipoes]

I'm so happy I found your channel 😭

[@abundantlife888]

You are a life saver. Thank you for giving me hope.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here

[@jaredvaughan1665]

The best video series by far on this attachment. And I've seen many.

[@freedomtownn]

Is someone sending you my brain transcripts? Omg, the accuracy. Wow.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Haha it's weird right? Here you are thinking you are the only one having these thoughts, and then it turns out there are so many others!

[@joannalenau1870]

This channel is absolutely changing my life. Thank you.

[@jjhviolin]

Pauline, can you share any books on this topic?

[@zlataput7334]

ily. thank u so much for ur help.

[@gabrielnevile4109]

Everything you've mentioned are so confusing yet I understand it perfectly.

[@freemind7388]

Paulien how does an FA react if a partner out of the blue txts them "bye" what fealing do they get????

[@sharonjumba4648]

It must be confusing.

[@yfoog]

Why are you asking? 🤨

[@nunyaok]

This really hit me to the point that I was tearing up regarding how really every single type of relationship in my life feels to me. I have been trying to tell myself for years that I am worthy of love but it really does not stick honestly

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Ah I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You deserve genuine, safe, supporting and nourishing relationships around you. When something doesn't stick, there's usually an important enough reason for our fearbrain to hold on, and maybe a healing modality that's missing to actually let go of the underlying fear. I we say to ourselves that we are worthy of love, but underneath that we are very scared, we won't let that integrate into our subconscious. You are not doing it wrong, you might just be missing some things to make it stick

[@destaniehugs67]

yes to everything.

[@luist3756]

Thank you so much 🙏

[@carl5764]

OMG, you are so helpful - thank you so much ❤❤❤

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Happy to have you here❤

[@alexandrahernandez886]

Thank you for your videos. I watched all of them and the exercise in your healing fearful avoidant attachment style was so rejuvenating and I was able to feel myself release trauma! How often should I do the exercise?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I am SO happy for you! You really can do it as often as feels comfortable for you. If you want a bit of a guideline: 15 minutes a day will definitely help a lot!

[@alexandrahernandez886]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you!