5 Traits of High-Functioning Codependency (Is This You?) - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Do you identify with any of these signs? Which ones? I'm curious to know! Don't forget to download the guide for tips on how to begin shifting your behavior and how you relate to others: www.terricole.com/5-traits-of-high-functioning-codependency-guide

[@leanneb9111]

This was totally me. Identify with all of it!. Sacrificed myself constantly to help accomodate others. Needed to be needed ( i needed help too but noone saw it as I was always pretending to be ok jack.).I even gave every cent of my life savings to my brother who was living in an expensive city with high rents and i paid towards the rent for years so he could keep up with the joneses. Nobody's fault but mine. Thankfully after decades of therapy i stick to my side of the street. Im no longer angry .p.s my turnaround came with my menopause.Thank you ❤for an excellent teaching.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️❤️ And way to go on all of those amazing shifts!!

[@richardyeo9332]

I’m grateful that I can recognize HFC traits in myself these days… very helpful thank you Terri. I can detach with love (for myself too!) these days! ❤🙏🏼

[@terri_cole]

Amazing, Richard 🙌🙌🙌

[@zz3097]

“There’s no curing it” this was actually comforting to hear. I find I resolve these traits in one area of life only to transfer them to another. I relate to all signs Looking forward to recovery 💛

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it resonated ❤️ thank you for sharing!

[@LadySunflower-52]

You nailed it with this episode Terri! The part about hitting the wall from over giving/peri/menopause was exactly what happened to me and led me to your work. As women in the US and in religious circles we really are cultured to self- abandon and over give. Thank you for the gift of your work.❤

[@leslierisan7603]

Menopause is the great crap filter😂

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and yes! Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@denisebarber2288]

Hi Terri. Denise Talarico here from Hackensack High. Love your podcasts!! You look great.

[@sherristevens305]

This is Day #2 of me being out in the world after listening to and learning from a bunch of your HFC videos! IT IS SO EXCITING and FUN and RESTORATIVE! I actually ask questions now instead of giving solutions!!!! What a concept!!! Thank you Terri!!!!

[@PaigeSquared]

You are probably blowing minds!! 🎉😂 I have a few people who I know will NOT ask me a question even if their own wellbeing relies on it. It is quite interesting for me, to watch how they work around it. Your life is about to be way easier!

[@terri_cole]

I love your enthusiasm, Sherri ❤️❤️ Woohoo! I'm so glad my videos are helping! Asking expansive questions is huge and can really help us stay on our side of the street.

[@compose-yourlife1]

Hi Teri, I'm new here, and at 60 years old I'm just founding out that my mother has very high traits of narcissistic behavior. Of all the people I've listened to on KZbin, you are the one I most relate to, so a Huge thank you, Im feeling hopeful. ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad to hear you're feeling hopeful 💕💕

[@AK-zj2qk]

This is so me. It feels so good to know that I am not alone. Somewhere last year I discovered I was codependent and started working on it. Its been difficult to come across acknowledgement of such struggles, let alone help for it. I came across you on the Diary of An Empath podcast and got a copy of your Boundary Boss book. I literally got to the section on HFC yesterday, and was amazed that such an exact description of me existed. And then I saw this video and I was like wow! Thank you for what you’re doing! ❤

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad my work is coming to you at the exact right time you needed it ❤️❤️ Thank you for sharing, and you are SO not alone!

[@AK-zj2qk]

@@terri_cole❤❤❤

[@bridgetbrown8123]

I hit the wall in perimenopause and lost many old friends. I swung so far to the opposite of nice that people left me for good. 😢I was and still am in disbelief that they didn’t have compassion. A bigger truth is that for 50 years I didn’t have compassion for myself and did the over functioning nice person thing so well that i scared people when i flipped out. I am learning to accept myself because the other way was never enough. No more sucking it up; no more driving in their lane. Hard lessons but ultimately for my growth. Thank you for your videos as i feel less alone and more hopeful.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion. Thank you for sharing 💕

[@PaigeSquared]

LOVE the book title, by the way! Many of us believed the lie, that we were too much.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@marleyofficialmedia]

Teri, I love your playfulness when you explain these dynamics. Thanks for your work.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@amymcdaniel2935]

❤ been doing boundaries. It's been really hard but I'm doing it! ❤ thank you Teri Cole

[@terri_cole]

You got this, Amy 🙌🙌

[@elkejack8247]

Right on point Terri about hitting the wall.

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated ❤️

[@katherinejimenez4956]

I can totally relate, and seem to have reached a point of no return via knowing better, and now doing better. And by the way, your hair looks lovely Ms.Terri👌

[@terri_cole]

I am cheering you on, Katherine ❤️ And thanks!

[@CMackenzie-e5u]

I definitely tick every one of those criteria. Every single one you mentioned actually. I also noticed that in my very late thirties and right through my forties now, things have been reaching a crescendo where something has seriously got to change. I literally don’t know where the lines are between caring and wanting to help someone and when to step back because I’m overdoing it. It’s so ingrained within me to be this way that I almost don’t even know how to do things differently but I know I need to. I’m very glad I’ll have a copy of your new book with me in 4 weeks. I know I’m going to find the content so incredibly valuable.

[@terri_cole]

I see you and feel you on this ❤️❤️ Did you catch last week's podcast episode? I detail where the line is between caring/just being nice and being controlling (because that's what it is). It's here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pJ2Yeq2rn9mBi8U Some helpful shortcuts: "Is this my side of the street? Or the other person's side? Am I robbing them of their sovereignty? Of their right to make decisions and be the hero of their own story? Am I inserting myself as their solution? Did they ask for my help? What do THEY think they should do?" If someone does ask for your help, you can always check with them to see how they specifically want to be supported. I do go more in-depth in the book, though, so glad to hear you've pre-ordered ❤️

[@dejethegr888]

Im so grateful God exposed me to your interviews that helped me to realize that I have been a HFC for my almost 27 years of living. I’m officially in recovery. thank you.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad you're here and in recovery, too ❤️❤️ Cheering you on!

[@VeganTrove]

Great information. Thank you 🥰

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️

[@elizabethwood1221]

Hi Terri, thanks very much for this episode. Very helpful. I have Boundary Boss in audio, hardback, and ebook. Obviously, I am a fan! I have two comments/questions in response to today's post: 1) do you ever treat folks with ADHD? I am an English teacher and in scholarly work, we consider "intersectionality." I am not sure I have seen intersectionality/impact of dual diagnoses w/r/t codependency. Some of the challenges faced in ADHD play right into codependency--focus on the immediate thing (others' problems), difficulty organizing (disordered boundaries), etc. In some ways, codependent behavior is a day at the beach if you have ADHD--your whole life can be organized around others' crises so you don't have to try to organize yourself or look at your own issues! 2) It is striking that the vast majority of people who engage in dialogue on this topic are women. If I could describe the ideal woman in the Irish catholic neighborhood I grew up in during the late 1960s/70s, it would be sacrificing body, mind, and soul for others. With culture even now reinforcing codependent behaviors in women and girls, how can we be strong without being considered one of those other kinds of women (ie bitchy, selfish)? Thanks again for all of your work, peace,

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for this comment and your questions, Elizabeth! (And for being a fan of my work ❤️) I do not specifically treat folks with ADHD, but very much relate to "your whole life can be organized around others' crises so you don't have to try to organize yourself or look at your own issues." For sure, in my early life, my HFC tendencies let me off the hook because I was so busy focusing on others I didn't have to focus on my own issues! I definitely agree with your second point, too- many of us were raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents. But I think there's a misconception that setting boundaries makes us bitchy or selfish. We can set boundaries with love, when appropriate. I'm actually answering a question like this in next week's podcast, but having gone through Boundary Boss, I think you'll know my answer! Boundaries are a bridge to deeper intimacy in our relationships. They protect us and the people we love. There's nothing selfish about that. ❤️ Unfortunately, we cannot control how others perceive us, or how they receive our boundaries, even if we're gentle about it. That's just not our side of the street!

[@elizabethwood1221]

@@terri_cole What can I say to that? You are AWESOME--a gift. Thank you so much for your work, xo

[@terri_cole]

💕💕

[@t_nels]

No, more like I am out of equation. If I wanted to help I was thwarted. My adult children are just starting to see me as a person with their own likes and dislikes. Do I have a right to those things, even my own opinions? Yes, I believe I do. My situation wasn't where I was pre marriage, in that I had career goals. I became a sidecar again, instead of my own driver. Any urgency I feel now is to support my children and grandchildren when asked is IF it is out of duty because of what has happened. I've always valued each of my children and their differences. I've have stayed quiet about things because I felt it wasn't my place. I feel like life is the best teacher and I feel bad that some of us have to learn the hard way. I shut down because of the harsh control and the backhandedness I was experiencing.

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕 Thank you for sharing.

[@and.she_Vegas]

I’m at the no f..ks to give phase, and I like it🥂

[@terri_cole]

Right on!! 🙌🙌🙌

[@Shanshanmoon]

I needed this video thank you so much 🎉Ms Terri

[@terri_cole]

So glad it resonated 💕

[@rebeccajones8628]

I am very guilty of this and I need to stop it. My family trained me to jump to help others. I went out with a guy enmeshed with his mom. Attracted like moth to flame, until I had enough of her toxic meddling ways.(His too).

[@terri_cole]

I see you, Rebecca ❤️ So many of us were trained to be this way from an early age!

[@JazzieVisser]

Thank you for the truth

[@pascalsimonskoufos8066]

Hey Teri, can you let us know where to get the book in Europe ? Thanks, love your work.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for asking! It usually comes out in other countries slightly after it debuts in the US. I recommend checking the Amazon listing for your country as it'll say when the book is due out there. ❤️

[@AshleyCummingsYoga]

🙏

[@terri_cole]

💕

[@dianapaloma3102]

I fit all the things you’ve described. needed this. Can’t wait to get the new book. Will it be on Audible ? I feel like I’m dying inside physically and emotionally. Upon menopause as you mentioned, I really hit bottom. I had to take early retirement after 30 years of teaching. I was getting my health back and taking better care. Then my mom had a major stroke. Since then I haven’t been able to get balance. I don’t know how not to run to the call to action. She’s in assisted living but I still oversee. Like this last weekend she was taken to ER in ambulance and admitted to hospital. If I don’t micromanage her care. Who will ? Medical system is broken. Health care providers are spread too thin. I’m trying to see big pic and deal only with the immediate tasks at hand. It’s hard to know what of all this she could be doing herself. I’m in therapy. I’m suffering. I’m so sad and wiped out. Thanks for your support. Bless you. 🙏❤️

[@terri_cole]

Yes, I recorded an audio version! I am witnessing you with SO much compassion and sending love and strength your way ❤️ I understand- when my mother was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of the pandemic it was incredibly difficult for me to step back. (And I had three sisters who could help out and did.) Crises like this have a way of shining a huge spotlight on HFC tendencies. So glad to hear you're in therapy and I hope my videos can bring you some comfort until the book is out. I would also encourage you to take time for yourself, even if it's seconds here and there. You are worth it. ❤️

[@dianapaloma3102]

Thank you. Your videos are wonderful. Thanks for being you. ❤️🙏

[@dianapaloma3102]

I agree with what you said “ Crises like this have a way of shining a huge spotlight on HFC tendencies. ” This is sooo true. As painful as it is, i’m going to take this as a blessing and opportunity to heal and finally release some of these unhealthy tendencies. Thank you for sharing your story about your mom and I’m sorry it went through that. I have one brother and I’ve felt bad because I lash out at him for not putting in the same effort I do. Then I hate myself for attacking him. Yesterday he said something that hit home, but it’s hard to accept. He said what you do is not sustainable and he’s right. Thanks again for all you do. Take good care of yourself. You are loved.❤️🙏

[@dianapaloma3102]

What you said -I would also encourage you to take time for yourself, even if it's seconds here and there. You are worth it. ❤️ IS VERY HELPFUL. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad I could be helpful here 💕 and I am cheering you on along this journey!

[@pamstrauss520]

Heard you on Dr Morgan’s Podcast.

[@terri_cole]

Glad you found your way here ❤️

[@stacieprewitt4012]

Stacie

[@terri_cole]

Welcome to my channel, Stacie ❤️

[@monicar2070]

Thank you for a great episod. Every time I talk with somebody at phone I am the person who says that er have to say good bye so They can Eat or What they planning. Do you have an idea About that? Greetings from sweden

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for watching ❤️ Are you asking about how to end a phone conversation with grace? You could say something like, "It was so great chatting with you, I have to run now, but let's catch up soon! I'll message you." If not, please elaborate as I want to make sure I answer you properly!

[@monicar2070]

@@terri_cole I feel that it sounds like I always says goodbye so they can do what they need. It is bettet that I say that I need to eat or that I Want to take a Wall. I am not respondible for their dat😊

[@terri_cole]

I think what's important might be tuning in to how you feel about it. Do you actually want to end the conversation when you do? Or does it feel like you should? What if you asked the other person, "I want to be respectful of your time. When might you need to go?"

[@evamussio7533]

😊❤🎉

[@Singleredrose]

Me

[@terri_cole]

I see you ❤️