6 Non Negotiables Dismissive Avoidants Must Learn To Become Secure | Core Wounds

[@roshalllambert]

I loveeeed these points!! and its totally worth it to do these things!! Another thing that can be added here is exposure work around vulnerability and learning to ask for help. Its empowering when you manage to do those! -1st comment

[@agivney]

Great points. Lately I have been doing a lot of internal work each, especially through journaling. I could not work out why I no longer wanted to do my hobbies as much, now I realise that I was using my hobbies and other distractions to regulate my emotions instead of actually processing them properly.

[@RAlexander]

At first I thought it was unusual that DA videos seem to get about twice as many views as AP videos. Then it occurred to me that APs are probably watching both ❤. Bless you all, you sweet, generous, caring APs, and all the brave DAs here that are trying to show up for them.

[@GeorgideMarne]

I noticed that too.. it can also be that AP's don't watch the videos about themselves. The comments tend to go in the direction "I"m here to understand why my partner/ex/spouse etc does or doesn't do this or that.". So it could be that people mostly watch their partner's attachment style video..

[@ronmexico8383]

I'm secure like 55% of the population. I'm here to learn about DA's since my wife is a DA. What I've seen in the comment sections over the past 4 years - AP's - very annoying, blame DA's for everything and never assume they were with a Secure partner - Secure - Best responses - DA's - very defensive, blame AP's for everything and never assume they were with a Secure partner The majority of us in the population are Secure and it's easier to fix a relationship with an AP, so the discovery of attachment styles probably doesn't take place in those relationships. DA's are harder to figure out so more people seek out information on how to repair their marriage/relationship, hence why DA videos get so many more views.

[@RAlexander]

@@ronmexico8383 Thanks for explaining your exact situation and calling up facts that could trigger shame and “I don’t belong” wounds in those that aren’t secure, myself included, in response to what was really meant to be a supportive message to those suffering through fears that you’ve never experienced. Very happy that you’re securely part of the majority of the population. Good luck to you.

[@BEAUPREx]

Im pretty sure da and fa videos gets more views its because of the mystery behind them, like we dont know their thoughts, why they are doing things they do, why they arent vulnerable, all of that creates mystery and it draw people in, but in the case of AP theres no mystery because they give everything, show everything of themself, tell every thoughts they have and also all they do is chase da and fa, thats why it gets not as many views as others. Da here

[@austinnguyen9107]

55% of population is definitely not secure. More like 5%

[@CommandoMaster]

DA want to feel understood, and appreciated for who they are. Don't criticize them, or shame them cuz that will cause them to shut down. Understand that it is hard for them to be vulnerable with u, and depend on u for anything. They close themselves off, and want to be independent in order to protect themselves from others.

[@howtosober]

All valid points. However, um, how about #7 RECIPROCATING? I understand DAs come by their stuff honestly and that they're traumatized people too, but no matter how much anyone of any other attachment style pours into DAs *they don't give anything back, ever.* And whenever they realize they're losing you and decide to throw a few crumbs your way, it's too little, too late. I fully support all DAs on this channel doing the work to heal themselves, but it doesn't do anything for their relationships with other people if they come out of the process still only focused on getting *their* needs met and expecting everyone else to accept their dismissiveness and self-centeredness as just "the way they are." It really takes away the motivation to invest in a relationship with a DA when you know you're never going to get anything out of it, no matter how much you give.

[@BenBethelAZ]

Agreed ... I think if you have a partner or ex with decent IQ and EQ you can share this... If like me you're already dismissed and discarded, then sure make an attempt to share to stand up for the injustice against your being... But do not expect anyone to return to you as it is a disservice to you. Know your worth, know you matter, find someone on your level and *start* the next relationship with this knowledge in your toolbox and have these conversations about your and their previous traumas and be prepared to have a relationship that is very adult with beautiful communication. This is one of the best KZbin channels that has ever existed.

[@MSG66]

My DA couldn't accept any deviation from my utter acceptance of his treatment of me. He dated other women because he wanted to put distance between us, because he couldn't handle us getting closer, but didn't tell me, because "one thing has nothing to do with the other." A compartmentalizer, for sure. He also was convinced I would eventually leave, "because everyone does" so he felt he needed to see other people to have someone else in line for when I inevitably left. He was private to the point of being secretive, because he felt he would lose himself if I knew too much about him. But, he wanted to know all about me, all the time. He breadcrumbed whenever our future came up, telling me "lets play it by ear, anything can happen, future is open." When I told him after two years that that wasn't quite enough info, he got angry and nasty and accused me of trying to control him. He refused to do anything with my friends or family, and spent all holiday and birthdays with his extended family, without me. Anytime I voiced any objection to any of this, I was told I was too critical, too demanding, and that he felt "unsafe." The sad truth is that he couldn't handle any relationship at that point that wasn't completely one sided in his favor. It was damaging to me and until I went into therapy, I didn't understand how much. I'm all for DA's needing love and acceptance but if they can't see honest, fair, input as anything but criticism, it just isn't going to work, and people will get hurt in the process.

[@TJay1S2G3J]

@alpha and @how to sober: You both said a whole word and more! I definitely experienced this with a DA. I realized I may indeed be a FA healing towards secure, mainly through my faith and from external support. About the DA, No matter how I stated things, used effective communication, such as "I-messages/statements," it was still an attack to him. He thought using such statements was only caring about me bc I kept using "I,", he didn't get using them avoided blaming him.. and no, I wasn't using an underhanded message either, I would be so mindful of how I wanted to say something to him that I wrote it down and still to no avail. I am really huge on communication(and teach ppl for living how to be effective as possible) and have been working on myself for years now to improve many parts of myself. I lost my cool with him however recently, which lead to guilt and shame because I had come so far and allowed myself to be triggered by his dismissive and avoidant bxs. I realized maybe it was still a part of me that needed healing that I missed bc I began bxing in ways I have never behaved or used to behave in, and honestly only when I dealt with a DA. I've had very healthy relationships with men after past failures(mostly bc I didn't always know what I wanted, etc.) and mostly because we reciprocated mutual respect, communication, etc. He honestly was the first man to ghost and try to play mind games and string me alone, but I was on to him which caused him to ghost and then reappear. Saddest part was that we never dated and had an unhealthy emotional bond which I tried to explain to him but was never heard. Needless to say, I sent him this channel and articles mainly bc he told me he wanted to start a school to teach women how to learn men so that they can be good wives. He said that men don't need to learn about women. I told him to add this to his curriculum. I promise I wasn't being passive-aggressive bc I've always shared things with him that I know, and he was always intrigued by my knowledge and resources. I definitely had my hopes up at some moment where I thought he could've been the one, but his bx lead to him sabotaging it and then at some point, we were both exhibiting sabotaging bxs. It was very stressful especially dealing with a man who I didn't pay any attention too at first but think I got bored or something and wasn't in the dating scene anymore and that's when I started "entertaining" him(he moved away and so this all happened from a distant abs wasn't consistently talking). It was almost like he was going after someone he knew he couldn't have and thought breadcrumbing and other bx were going to get him the woman he wanted. I'm sure he no longer idealize me after our last talk were I was so triggering I become so talkative and anxious that I lost all of my communication skills and patience. I forgave myself and just accepted that I can't be myself around him and don't trust to talk to him about anything without him getting offended or dismissing my feelings, etc. I told him, I know how to treat ppl well and communicate bc I've experienced it and other's have experienced it from me but it's very difficult with us. He told me, if he didn't bx that way today and if I'm talking about yesterday literally then I'm Living in the past and can't let stuff go. It was tiring and glad honestly that the last talk happened, probably needed to happen bc I couldn't deal with him not being honest with himself and his struggles all the while, I was being vulnerable more than I ever was with a me(stating my needs as he often asked or didn't ask me to do but never delivered) and still was pushed away and triggered. I'm happy it's all over and will continue my journey to fully healing and pray the same for everyone else as well. 🙏♥️

[@dejustomariel8305]

@howtosobber as a female DA, I can say that we can be very giving. Maybe not in the same way you want us to be. As a DA I am very giving in terms of material things such as gifts, buy things you like for free and acts of services. Unfortunately, in terms of time and affection we can be not so good at giving them because our time is very limited for us due to our hobbies, studies, work, busy schedule and well in my part ADHD. We can also be closed off due to our childhood where showing emotions is a sign of weakness and encourages us to be very independent.We may seem confident on the outside but on the inside we feel awful. We have thid narrative in our minds,"How can I give love if I don't and can't even love myself? How can I give you something I don't have?😢" We are so good with practicallity, good decision making skills and logic which makes us easy to find opportunities and money. That's why we can be very giving materially. But, the little love and emotions that we give, that's the only love that we have for ourselves. You can imagine a jar without anything inside. Yes, empty. That's how we feel. That's why it's so important to love ourselves first before entering a relationship because we can't give something we don't have.

[@Kynamagic90]

Understanding core wound’s Needs Boundaries How to regulate emotionally Communicating needs and boundaries Updating coping mechanisms or unhealthy behaviours

[@ferretapocalypse]

My DA did a 180. A month ago she told me she wasnt interested in anyone, and slammed the door shut. The last couple weeks I helped her with her PTSD and anxiety through convincing her to try a certain therapy. She said it worked wonders. She thanked me publicly on her social media, and now she alluded to meeting for a first time. Shes in another state. I never thought I would hear that from her. She was on a flight and we texted for like 5 hours which was a first as well. She even sent me money to go to therapy for my issues. iam like WTF is happening?

[@sarahstevenson8155]

Wow how did you convince? Congrats :)

[@ferretapocalypse]

@@sarahstevenson8155 I’m not holding my breath. I know they can go hot and cold. She’s Luke warm at the moment. She’s been really quiet. She flew to her house in Montana for some quiet. So I’m trying not to bug her and give her some space. To answer your question I don’t know lol. We’ve had ups and downs. She was always very secretive and closed to everyone including me. She started to open up a little. Telling me she’s depressed or having anxiety issues. Never to,d me that stuff before. I got her to try ketamine therapy and she said she’s feeling the best in a long time. I guess that made her start to rethink things with me.

[@cpaige3123]

Sounds encouraging, hopefully you both can continue on the path to healing. Which type of therapy did you suggest for her?

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

Many Das won't agree with me, but in my opinion the truth is they want to be loved and desired and chased..this gives them power but they don't want to do the same for you. You can say what you want but this is the truth, I hurted for years to accept it. I hope you will understand it sooner than me.

[@karenKristal]

I think one thing that gets overlooked, is that children who are enmeshed sometimes dont just come to conclusion they are bad or wrong - they are told. And not just told gently one time, sometimes screamed at for years by people who are bigger and stronger and have power over them. It does so much damage.

[@rawhunni]

Thank you

[@rosaiaruberto6588]

I am not sure if I am mostly DA or FA...

[@balancedlifematrix]

So, would someone who is DA say, they have "stuff" going on in their mind, maybe subconsciously, when they go into a room, play video games, drink and smoke weed? It almost feels like, there's a pull for my friends to do this some days but, I never know if he's ok and just in a habit of these things or if he's felling sad/lonely/lost, and just won't say anything about it bc...well......avoidant! Hoping to help! (:

[@Pr_20]

My DA partner does all the above. I think he thinks it’s soothing but I think it’s self sabotage. Im starting to think he drinks when he’s on his own in addition to being with me. Im not a drinker but I know when he’s knocking them back.

[@BEAUPREx]

Im a da, i use video games when theres something on my mind and dont want to confront it and just ŕepress, but i also play when im feeling fine but its different, i wont show it and if someone try to ask me i will say that im fine that im just playing because i dont want to be vulnerable, but my voice or body language isnt the same if im playing to repress or to play just to play

[@sarahstevenson8155]

My bf (we are on a break) does this. He smokes about two blunts a day and three on the weekends. I think it eradicates all emotions.

[@Pr_20]

@@sarahstevenson8155 yea it’s self sabotage. I hated it. We are now over as I saw no him working on himself. I need someone secure. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders

[@kate6pak]

I thought I was a da, but I just don't care at all about being accepted. I don't know that I ever did. How do I find out what category I fall under?

[@nardaone]

DAs tend to assume things about others. They think we have a cristal ball to read their minds. How can we know what you are with so little information.

[@jaclynh9343]

I noticed your FB page has a lot of judgmental + insensitive people. It def doesn't feel like a safe place so I left the group. Thought you may like to know so admin can do a better job of managing page.

[@trash3570]

Kinda how I feel in these comments sometimes as someone who displays some DA tendencies

[@nahomelion]

I mean the Facebook group is filled with people on their Journey to heal, so they’ll make mistakes. I typically don’t take that page seriously. The actual PDS website is where it’s at

[@deanna6742]

@@trash3570 As a fearful and dismissive avoidant (with a bit of secure) this is how I feel every time I open the comments of her youtube videos. Instead of it being an accepting space for avoidants, it's often filled with heartbroken exes just pointing fingers and villanising us

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We try our best to moderate comments and remove people who are being unkind and insensitive. As Nahom touched on, there are people who are hurting and sometimes project unhealed things inside of themselves outwards. That doesn't mean they will be allowed to do so without consequences. I will notify the moderation team to try harder to catch people violating community standards quicker.

[@GeorgideMarne]

@@deanna6742 As a former leaning DA (now secure), I just had this image of AP's (exes) as so caring and nice etc.. until I saw these comments and this completely healed my propensity to date AP's in the past :)). Now I know they're the kind of people that flatter you in person and talk bad (really bad) behind your back. That's not what a secure person would accept. 😉

[@StorytellingHeadshots]

Ugh... “funnels” are such creepy creepy things. I just LOVE Thias and all she brings to the world. I wish she wouldn’t embrace these trappings of the scammy pyramid based models of business that exploits.

[@dwermes]

I SSOOOOOO want to send this to my ex and show him that these were the reasons he broke up with me.

[@nahomelion]

He’ll break up with you again if you send it 😂DA’s hate this kind of stuff, so you have to present the points Thais mentioned from an intellectual perspective

[@archerwalker]

Just remember we can't do the work for someone else. It's kind that you want to share this with them and see them grow, but as someone else said, often those with strong Avoidant leanings are not in a place where they are willing or able to address this. If they are that's great. I've found personally, that bringing the focus back to myself and working to heal my own attachment style (previously AP) helped me heal/grow more, as opposed to trying to get partners to 'do the work' so that the relationship could rekindle and I would feel fine again. Often too, once we are more Secure, we may find we're no longer drawn to pursue or engage with people who aren't in a healthy attachment space also.

[@GeorgideMarne]

So you're perfect and innocent and he's the defective one? Maybe he just doesn't like you.

[@culalamola2]

@@GeorgideMarne your response is rude. This person is not saying she/he is perfect.

[@notoriousmf6157]

Thank goodness @@GeorgideMarne is here to tell everyone about their own relationships. DFC

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

For the DAs here, did anything change when you met someone secure that you can share your needs with?

[@walkertranger5746]

I’m not a DA but was with one for 7 years. I’m a secure attachment style. She shared things with me about after 6 months into the relationship , I didn’t recognize it as DA and BPD, because I was not that aware . Typically, They do not change until they want help. They need to deal with their trauma and issues head on and heal. We strong, faithful and loyal people are not their saviors. I’m still here for her even after the break up, because I believe love is action and not feeling. I know I can live without her , but she is disabled emotionally and spiritually and mentally when it comes to showing love and being selfLESS. I’m the constant rock she leans on and stable , solid ground for her. It’s not easy , as I have to put aside my wants and needs. That’s ok, I do the same for my children. Unconditional love comes at great expense to oneself. Hopefully, my da will continue to heal. Right now it’s been baby steps , but it’s movement forward(Not at my pace , but it’s movement).

[@pampj8501]

I am a FA on the road to SA and always thought, I would heal if I were with a Securely Attached person and the short answer is no. It’s not a magic fix all. It would definitely be helpful, but only if the person is actively doing the work to heal. In this point of my personal journey I feel like I would be able to learn from a SA and feel safe enough to be vulnerable and continue with healing. An unhealed person would not see the good in a SA. I am currently dating an Anxiously Attachedbwho will admit she has some traits, and is also trying to heal from her own trauma. It is very difficult to heal because we are constantly triggering each other. However, we have begun to recognize when we are exhibiting some our own unhealthy traits and have begun to set boundaries and express our needs in a healthy way. Sorry about the novel.

[@Tomezilla514]

Absolutely! But I had to realize I was a DA first and realize that I had never actually felt comfortable voicing my needs in past relationships, much less relying on someone else to meet them without feeling too uncomfortably vulnerable.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

This is what they want you to think, but they are avoidant and will stay avoidant with everyone unless they want to do the work.

[@ashleyb.8217]

Is there a course in PDS that focuses on communication? S.O.S. .

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We have the "Expressing your Needs: Scripts for Effective Communication". We also have a course designed to set and enforce boundaries. We have a 7-day free trial if you want to try either of them out for free! university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial

[@ashleyb.8217]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you

[@Taisiedoll]

I love IAT 🥲