How To Bypass A Dismissive Avoidant's Defenses In Order To Connect! (Part 2)

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How can you bypass a dismissive avoidant's defenses in order to connect?
In this 5 part webinar based series, Thais walks us through bypassing the core wounds of the dismissive avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidants).
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:03:42 - Sharing Needs | Avoiding Shame
00:07:41 - Conflict | Trauma Response
00:09:57 - Feeling Trapped
00:12:25 - Positive Reinforcement | Vulnerability Wound
00:13:57 - Validate Their Emotions
00:16:55 - Fear Opening Up
00:17:44 - Lifetime Offer
00:18:14 - Sensitive to Helplessness or Powerless
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Let us know what has worked for you in getting closer to someone you know who is DA ❤

[@gregorystinette8271]

Ha, ha, that's a good one. I'm an " FA" & my last girlfriend was a "DA " ; now its just me and my dog & I'm much happier.

[@katalinmcewan]

Leaving. 😂 I tried everything I read and watched for over a year, even did the PDS course. Wish I had never wasted my time and money!

[@rachelfredell3056]

Honestly this series has helped me so much. Just understanding that his need for alone time is not about me. I had a big aha moment the other day when I realized he needs to be alone to be creative. It made me feel so much better and he has been so sweet and affectionate since I truly started to understand his needs and also to nurture mine. We both are about 50% secure and I’m getting a lot of support in therapy. Hugs to everyone ❤️

[@writergirlkzoo]

Patience, acceptance, and communication have been the cornerstone for me. I’m an FA who leans avoidant, so I understand where my DA is coming from. It was hard at first because we both avoided convos about our relationship that were difficult and uncomfortable, but with time and some hard truth light bulb moments that we didn’t run from, it became easier and we slowly grew. We’re still working on it and it’s hard (we’re long distance) and really out of both our comfort zones, but he’s the best partner I’ve ever had. We get each other. I think FAs are the best partners for DAs. Someone secure wouldn’t put up with either of us and would have left ages ago lol! Your videos have helped me understand more about myself our relationship, thank you! ❤️

[@gregorystinette8271]

@@writergirlkzoo / I concur, my friend

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

As much as I love and miss my DA ex, I understand something now. The issue was never really about them, it’s been about me. Because when given the choice between a HEALTHY, MUTUAL, relationship that someone pours into me just as equally. I’ve always been drawn to the unavailable. So IM pretty damn unavailable then lol.. I think this speaks true for all of us. For those of us still holding onto hope and trying to learn, and heal, and communicate. EVERYTHING to search and acquire the love and connection we so desperately try to get from a DA. We abandon ourselves.. Feeding the cycle. ASK YOURSELF THIS “ Why do I feel I have to try so hard and carry everything for a crumb of intimacy? When a partner is out there, DYING to love us..” YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THE MINIMUM! DA’s deserve love too. But love is a Verb. You have to participate. And we ALL have to heal ourselves..

[@emilyb5557]

Love is a verb. This! I'm trying to walk away from a DA...hard because he wasn't a DA always or much much less but I tough times he shifts full DA and I'm watching yrs of my life gone & full of rollercoaster of distress n confusion.

[@gregwriezener9693]

Thank you! @nobama123ful

[@efuucdgbjiddvhi]

Best comment ever

[@riyajacob2909]

Well said 🌸💟🌼

[@Make1984FictionAgain]

You're on the right path. Well done!!

[@rachelfredell3056]

The hard part is wrapping my mind around him being so sensitive to criticism, but he is also the most critical person I’ve ever met! Why?

[@stepheniekinsey6311]

I agree. This might be s subconscious strategy to avoid attachment by flsw finding. If a person finds flaws or hyoercrotical then they can find a reason not to attach because thst was unsafe. Thais mentions this in a couple of videos

[@ronmexico8383]

Been married 11 years to a DA wife They will criticize you but if you critique them they can't handle it Tell them you like it when they do "this or that" for you, then they stop doing it. etc. DA's are really cool early in a relationship that's what draws us in. They seem really secure. But once they go full blown DA anything and everything you do is wrong in their eyes (Choice A, B or C - wrong, wrong, wrong).

[@katalinmcewan]

@@ronmexico8383 I have noticed that also. I said that to the one I knew that I could do no right.

[@kittykaty33]

So interesting. I know a DA type and it’s a total nightmare!

[@Lolipop8686]

@@ronmexico8383 May I ask how you managed to hold on for 11 years? I was able to be in the relationship for only 8 months and feel still guilty that I should have been more patient and that probably I could have help him to get to a more secure place (I am mostly secure attached).

[@Mashomemadesoap]

Been married to a DA for 34 years. If I could do it over I would have quit 34 yrs ago. My advise, run! It’s too hard and it HURTS! Run run run away

[@vosk6481]

😢

[@Saylessdomore109]

Damn

[@vuyopapiyana]

That’s deep

[@yippierb]

Me too 33 yrs

[@lauraoliver525]

Sad but very true!

[@MIMIDSH]

Dating a DA was once the worst experience of my life. But then I healed my own anxious attachment and view him differently. I see him as someone hurt, fearful, and yearning for the unconditional love he's never had. Being a calm, patient, consistent, non-judgemental person in his life is making me a better person.

[@JD-dv9kc]

How did you heal your anxious attachment

[@MIMIDSH]

@@JD-dv9kc I healed using a combination of meditation, sleep hypnosis, exercise/self-care, prayer, self-concept work, Rumi Oracle deck, Neville Goddard study, practicing detachment, a daily gratitude journal, and manifesting. As things flowed together, I'd gravitate toward something new. It's been a journey.

[@gokuwufei99]

Yes!! Thank you, I see my DA ex the same way after I took the year long journey to become more secure instead of anxious. She is so sweet and deserving of a beautiful love just as wonderful as she has the potential to be. I'm thankful she allows me to share how we've hurt each other in our differences, and as we remain friends she often cries when we talk openly about our attachment styles. Her birthday was last week and I bought her a book on healing DA trauma. She knows how much I deeply loved her the 3 years we were together but she can't experience love or that feeling the way I do. As I've followed Thais's advice in approaching her and how to have deeper conversations without her feeling judged or criticized....she's been reaching out a lot more lately than ever just to say hi and catch up. I think she feels my loss as I'm now in a relationship with someone else, but that's ok as long as she uses that loss to heal herself so she can be with someone and meet them in a good space and find love. Won't be with me, but I truly care. ❤

[@MIMIDSH]

@@gokuwufei99 I love your story. Thanks for sharing

[@JessforR]

After being in a long-term relationship with a DA, I find the attachment style a complete turn off, but I think it means I’m healing

[@alchemicalsoul]

Being involved with an avoidant can facilitate your own progress to secure. Allow the dismantling of your own ego, and learn Eastern concepts of compassionate non-attachment and meditation to calm your nervous system. Meditation will bring clarity and help you let go of your false self that seeks validation. When we learn to be present, we actually learn that we are best to meet our own needs. It allows the other person to feel safe in your presence, and potentially learn to meet their own needs. We are going to have to create more unconventional relationships like living apart until we balance out. Commitment will look like the person deactivating, but returning more quickly. You'll have focused on your own projects and growth. They will observe your growth and feel less triggered. When you get together, there will be more wuality engagement. The goal is secure and balanced relationships for everyone at some point. We all have trauma to transcend.

[@niksans9649]

This. Thank you

[@Radianty_Ella]

❤

[@nicolabrittain3101]

you could always just find someone secure

[@alchemicalsoul]

@@nicolabrittain3101 I stated that one can become secure themselves. It's never about the other person.

[@melindanaumovic8124]

That's exactly what happened to me.

[@mdmcpherson8574]

I tried communicating with positive reinforcement and ended up feeling hugely insecure and anxious because he acted like it was so foreign and didn’t know how to respond , basically my healthy communication triggered his anxiety and left me on read often because DAs just don’t know what to say. It made me feel like he just thought I was crazy and dramatic

[@orangeflowerlove]

I did the same and I was called by my DA ex being crazy and demanding too much. I can totally relate

[@mdmcpherson8574]

@@orangeflowerlove another thing I was made to feel is that he’s too busy to care, like why are you bothering me with all this stuff. Always felt like a bother/unprioritized… it was a real mindf*ck but led me to discover I’m an FA.

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

Yep, I can relate.

[@shawndevoid9813]

I don’t know what to say or may not act appropriately when given a compliment, positive reinforcement, etc, but I’m doing better with this as I’m more aware with Thais. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t hear it or appreciate it, though. I just didn’t know how to respond at the time.

[@mdmcpherson8574]

@@shawndevoid9813 that’s awesome keep up the good work!

[@annegeorge6667]

I see a lot of people talking smack about a DA in the comment section. As a person who is a DA, let me just say we fight our demons every day. I try very hard to change my behavior and to show empathy. I observe others and implement actions in my life. But sometimes the smallest things that someone does or says make me feel like I'm losing control of my whole life. I've come to realise that life flip flops and that's scary as hell. Too happy? Wait till something bad happens. He wants more attention?.. what if he's gonna leave me, is it a good idea to give him time?...I am scared of heartbreak, of loss of giving and not receiving. It would absolutely BREAK me if i love someone who was using me. So i tell them im not interested. I push them away and at times i think wtf am i doing and i give them attention. Then they become closer which terrifies me. Their expectations terrify me. What if i LOVE them and then they see what i can give and its not enough and they leave me??..the stupid mental gymnastics for EVERYTHING is exhausting.

[@abes2758]

I’m so sorry it feels this way, I think something to remember though is we all are Terrified of heartbreak …literally every single attachment style. No one wants to fall hard and then have someone leave, why do you think I’m anxious attachment/ FA It’s my biggest fear also. As someone who dated a DA I can honestly say I have space (which for me was hard) but I tried everything, but you are right even the slightest ‘We had such a great night the other night, I’d love to see you more’ had me on the receiving end of a text telling me I’m expecting too much and shut me down. I honestly didn’t know what I had done. I do empathise with you I do, I didn’t know what was going on initially until I stumbled across these videos then I was able to be more mindful but no matter what I did or didn’t do it almost felt as though there was no right. I still care deeply about him but what I can say is if I could detach from relationships as quickly as a DA I almost envy them for that alone, because the other side is super painful.

[@justsomeguy5417]

I am so very in love with a DA. People just don't understand. I'm so sorry. There's so much pain under that attachment style and finding somewhere/someone safe is so hard! I hope you have some healthy love in your life

[@kjshow4173]

I love my DA ex. I've just learned of this attachment style. I'm learning more every day. Bless you.

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

All that worrying you have as a DA creates more worry, which leads to more worry - it's never ending. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to try your best to program your subconscious mind that not everyone is out there to hurt you.

[@kjshow4173]

I love my DA ex. Even if she is terrified or frustrated with me. EVERYONE DESERVES LOVE AND RESPECT. DA'S included.

[@courtneyblasiol1621]

I had a DA stonewall me for two days because I told him I appreciated something he did. He said that’s not how people act normally and it legitimately made him angry at me.

[@trollhunter3944]

Isn't that crazy? Yet DAs on here will tell you your comments hurt their feelings.

[@mdmcpherson8574]

Sometimes they don’t know how to receive or respond to healthy communication, and they don’t trust it and it leaves you walking on eggshells, so dysfunctional

[@Katrica670]

@@mdmcpherson8574 I know about the eggshells.

[@0Demiyah0]

It sounds like they felt embarrassed and did not know how to process.

[@katalinmcewan]

😱😱😱😂😂😂 The best thing I ever did was blocking and avoiding the DA. He made my life living hell for over a year. I tried everything, it was time to let go. I feel so much happier!

[@samanthaattridge852]

I have definitely grown, before I would've been all over this video, today I don't even want to know because I'm not going down that route again.

[@beckichaplin1974]

After dating a while, my ex DA asked why I am estranged from my family but told me very little about his besides saying he, "had a perfectly normal childhood". Everything he did tell me did indeed sound very "normal". I told him about mine and being a scapegoat in the family... it made me cry a little and he just stared at me, said I wasn't a scapegoat with the examples I had given but that I was just abused and asked why I was crying. 😳 I've made a very conscious effort to heal relationship attachment issues (I never knew what I was but if I had to wager a guess, I would say AP). I have taken the attachment style quiz here and score secure when I think of an ideal partner but when I think of him, I score secure but leaning anxious (80/20). It's a terrible feeling to be in a relationship with an unhealed person. I know I've been the unhealed person so I do know everyone can do it but they have to WANT to. My ex DA has no desire to change. I will always love him and that makes it very sad. 💔

[@trollhunter3944]

I will always care about my dismissive avoidant ex; she is a good woman. However, for a relationship, there are too many road blocks to navigate through. Relationships are already difficult enough. Good luck to everyone out there.

[@iuinshine5213]

Same here ... I am however fearful avoidant and when I noticed that he is dissmisive I wasn't confident that our relationship could work out at that time... I wished to take a step back and go to friendship, work on our trust first and learn the proper way of communicating our needs and boundaries, so we build a healthy relationship. My approach was maybe misinterpreted by him. Long story short .... I was ignored but I still messaged occasionally congratulated when there were holidays in hope he would share his side or at least vent out on me... instead I just constantly was stone walled and blocked. Now I know that I just pushed him more into a corner eventhough I really tought at that time I was behaving the proper way. I am ok with being blocked it didn't effected me as much as I thought it would... I have faith in him and have no idea where it's coming from. Maybe because I learned about myself more and got aware of my inner problems trough him. At this point all I want is really just have heart to heart conversation without the constant push and pull or struggles who has the control.

[@iuinshine5213]

@trollhunter3944 🙈 sorry now I am just venting out on a stranger because I could relate to what you wrote a little bit. 🌻 Hope your ex finds happiness, so do you! We all deserve it. It's refreshing to see comments that don't just demonize DA and have respect for their ex

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

How do you know she's a good woman?

[@trollhunter3944]

@@dr.jenniferma3914 Because I saw the way she treated her family, my family, friends, and strangers. I determined that she is a good woman, just not so good at romantic relationships; specifically when it involves communication.

[@trollhunter3944]

@@sunbeam9222 Thank you! Definitely!

[@jhlfsc]

I think what would be really helpful would be to put out a video clearly explaining the differences between a DA and a narcissist because I feel like many people get the wrong idea here about DA's in general.

[@riyajacob2909]

She has a video on that.

[@suzannelaffoon3311]

What is it called?

[@rosephillips6547]

Please run from these people . I was with one and he's charming , he will provide for you but you better not question or make him feel his character is under attack. He went and brought a house behind my back and set up a dinner date with our friends to disclose to me. Mind you I have a house of my own but when I questioned him why would he do that without including me , he got some mad told me he needs a break and went silent on me. He also told our friends I should have shout my mouth and just been happy for him. SMDH He pops back up when his feelings was regulated like nothing happen . I have a secure attachment and I sent that ass right back to his house.

[@psychoninja81]

Mine bought a cabin and registered it only in his name and then told me I could never come near it. We have kids and a house together. Needless to say, that was the beginning of the end. We have been together 13 yrs and I have never even seen his finances.

[@MagickCat861]

And if you’ve watch part 1 and part 2 of these videos and are doing these things and nothing is happening then recognise that it is nothing to do with you - it is them and then not being ready or willing to work through their discomfort or put the effort in. It’s going to be different for each DA but if a significant time period has passed and nothing is happening then you need to leave for put yourself first. Don’t get to the point where you pour all yourself into them and you don’t get poured into and you end up on empty because it is really hard to get yourself back from that. Also it is important to recognise for yourself at what point it becomes an abusive situation for you to stay. Things like stonewalling that is intentional and to a point that it is neglect for you. If you get to a point where you beg for even 30 minutes a day together (in a situation where you live with them) and they won’t give you that - then you need to recognise you’re not being appreciated or cared for and that you are better off to leave for you and you alone. If you’ve given so much energy, time and consideration to this and they are not showing up for you then you need to leave. The point of this comment isn’t to shame or criticise DAs, this is a message to those dating DAs who are desperately trying to save the relationship or connect with them but leaving themselves behind to a point that you’re then accepting abuse. This is not what will happen in all relationships with a DA but it can happen in some - this comment is relevant to those ones. To any DA who is working on themselves congratulations we see you we acknowledge you and we appreciate you, thank you for being willing to do this despite the discomfort that can happen especially in the beginning of working on yourself. It is not easy and majority of FA and AA will acknowledge that also.

[@UnacceptableTee]

💯! I have to point of burnout. That’s on me. Even in therapy; my DA is extremely slow at the taking advice from therapist if at all. Did couples therapy for 2.5 years; therapist suggested he see someone else as he wasn’t willing to do the work. I continued with the same therapist for a while and once I started to have radical acceptance that he’s not going to meet even the basic needs despite years of communication and just respect for our relationship; ( betrayals ; lies; secrets). Even general conversation is difficult. Can really only talk about weather; or dinner. That’s about it. Once I started taking care of myself ; stopped making him a priority; things really became clear for me. He finally started therapy again elsewhere; as I think he knew things were so low and non existent for so long; I basically had to tell him this isn’t the kind of relationship I’m interested in having. The therapist seems great; he makes suggestions to him; unfortunately my DA chooses to not do what he suggests. Avoiding everything; even getting to therapy again; so unfortunate because the disconnect had gone far too long. Sad but this is the reality.

[@MagickCat861]

@@UnacceptableTee I’m sorry that happened. So heartbreaking but I’m glad you found your worth. I can see how him going to therapy would of made you think well he is going that’s something right. But then we realise we are clutching at straws if there is no change happening. Mine refused therapy, I still can’t believe that I stayed for so long.

[@UnacceptableTee]

@@MagickCat861 I’m sorry for you as well; it’s heartbreaking. I can’t believe I have stayed so long either. When I look at my childhood; I understand why. He finally went to therapy because I finally listened and accepted my anxiety with being physically intimate with him. Acknowledging my body is anxious for a reason ; that’s really because I don’t trust him. How can I be intimate with someone I don’t trust? No wonder I was anxious with that. I felt like an object. Interesting how he was willing to go because that became an issue. Not the betrayals; lies ; fights ; dependency to alcohol. It was me no longer feeling safe to be intimate. 🙄 Sending you love and hugs for ❤️‍🩹 healing. 💛🌻

[@MagickCat861]

@@UnacceptableTee mine didn’t even go to therapy. He refused to go to couples therapy also. I stayed because I was clinging on to a hope that wasn’t there. I’ve only just realised he was likely a neglectful narcissist and not just DA. Coming to that realisation has made it a little easier - that sense of certainty and closure of the right decision to walk away. We had gotten stuck in a trauma bond because I had tried to break it off a couple of times before I finally left so that didn’t help. Sending love and support, I hope things get better and you find someone who is more suited for you 💙💙

[@gregorystinette8271]

Once upon a time, my "DA" girlfriend revealed to me that she didn't consider herself a lovable person; my response was: you seem perfectly lovable to me ; I think that statement really tripped her up inside.

[@SchmerzUndFeuer]

......and then she resented you for saying that, lol.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

I told mine she deserves to be loved. She told me I am "a sweetheart for sure" and then dumped me.

[@gregorystinette8271]

@@wisconsinfarmer4742 lol, I did the same but told her that if she could not reciprocate, I am history.

[@twixie__5651]

so da hate being complimented? especially when they feel down and think lowly of themselves??! i used to compliment my da bf. i didnt know they hated that😢

[@khungwenya2267]

The only thing that you can for a DA is to love from a distance.

[@scarlet132011]

yes. thats the conclusion it seems that i am also arriving at. 😔💔

[@Mississippian]

DA vocabulary: Uh- No Humph - yes Aargh - No No- ask me differently I guess - yes Don't do that- don't do that I haven't been here - tell me you want to go here Are you hungry- Ask me to take you out That's a good place - ask me to take you there Did you want xyz? - I want to give you xyz It's too early for that- ask me later It is hot/cold/windy/rainy today- are you sure you want to spend time together? Are you really going to do that?- I don't approve That's nice- I approve Time to nap- we've spent too many hours together This is why actions work better than words with avoidants. Over time, non verbal cues like glancing, pointing, body language or even just how you call each other's name is enough to know what is needed.

[@Mississippian]

But they do show directly through their actions. And that matters more to me personally so I don't care for the self- protective conversations.

[@shawndevoid9813]

I appreciate your comment. It sounds exactly like me (and my mother)! When I got out in the world and joined my husband’s family, I couldn’t believe how outspoken they were. I thought it was an East Coast/French Canadian thing! I still think people from the NE are a bit more direct than folks from the Midwest, though.

[@Meg.1122]

Is it only me? Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to keep working on my attachment (FA)? I don't know what is but I find this endearing for some reason 😂... I'm going save this for later. Thanks for it ^^

[@Mississippian]

But I find it endearing too, which is why I posted it. Love looks different to different people as long as it's meeting your needs and building the life you dream of, it's fair.

[@kalifornia4745]

Let’s see.. what worked with my DA with high narcissistic tendencies… saying nothing, never voicing any feelings, making my life revolve around hers, never saying if she hurt my feelings, never asking her to go out of her way for me. Being her housewife, letting her devalue me, gaslight me and have zero empathy for my feelings and never questioning her daily communication with friends that she knew had feelings for her when she knew it was disrespectful to our relationship because she needed that kind of validation. if I did all of these things, she was happy as a clam. I kept saying that I wanted to have regular conversations about our relationship and she literally responded to me by saying that she finds talking about the relationship unnecessary and that she believes in just doing the relationship. So, we are no longer together. That’s how it was for me. Painful, fruitless, heartbreaking, but I learned a ton about myself.

[@danisash2750]

This sounds so similar. My husband stopped intimacy and communication with me 6 months ago. He would and still tells me to just focus on myself when I ask him about us. Now, I'm scared to bring it up but he continues to come and go as he pleases. Sometimes not coming home to sleep at all. He hasn't showered in our home in 3 months. He would leave for days at a time come back and act like nothing. I know I need to do something but as an anxious attachment person I'm taking this really hard.

[@karinteeples9715]

@@danisash2750He has you exactly where he wants you. Frozen, fearful to ask for connection and as long as you stay in that state he’ll be fine. He will not ever initiate connection or an apology etc. choose you. This was my marriage to an DA and he did the exact same neglect. He would work 12 hours daily and I was never to call him,I could text and he might respond with an emoji or 2. He would come home, be critical of me or my performance in tasks, and that was all the communication I would receive. Daily. He never had any insight that this was destructive behavior and causing me pain. Never. It was nuts. I hope you choose you. You are worthy. 💯❤️

[@MK-416]

My girl has childhood trauma and was raped a few times and she has mostly all guy friends and her bestfriend is a guy.... I feel that she starts a fight with me outta nowhere and says don't come back and then starts to disrespect me and put me down emotionally.... she all of a sudden wants nothing to do with me and ghosts me while I'm the only one trying to make things work and she's ignoring me and avoiding me and she keeps kicking me out and now it's a toxic cycle she then projects onto me like I'm the one who's toxic and wanted to pick a fight with her and. She doesn't got time 4 that and she got better things to do and other people worthy of her time and she doesn't care about me or my feelings and is cold and one sided with her words

[@MK-416]

What do I do

[@windysmith7367]

@kalifornia4745 so sorry to hear you went through this. I broke up with my ex after finding out he was secretly talking to a former girlfriend and giving her money. He gaslit me over it and refused to see it as disrespectful.

[@lauren95531]

I love seeing Thais laughing 💖

[@brianhill6842]

I try to tell him what I appreciate and what I need …he says “I don’t need to hear it, it’s irrelevant at this point.” I always thought that people just told eachother what they enjoyed about one another. Whenever I do try to thank him or let him know I appreciate his effort (like sending me a birthday gift) he was like “why do you have to make it awkward?” Nothing I say is ever received and it just makes me nervous.

[@shawndevoid9813]

If he’s not aware of his attachment style or ready to make changes yet, that’s a pretty common response (I’m a DA). We’re uncomfortable with basically anything emotional. I think these will work great for somebody working on themselves (like me), but I needed a frame of reference first (attachment style). If he’s not aware (like I was for a long time), then that is the response you will probably get. Also, just because he says that, doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it later and appreciate it. He probably does and just doesn’t tell you (like I used to do!).

[@brianhill6842]

@@shawndevoid9813 well that was back in November. My birthday is November 5 and he sent me something on December 12. I just wanted to appreciate it and he created an argument out of it. The entire situation is complicated because it appears I ended up in a long distance situationship. When I got home he insisted nothing had to change, why does it have to be all or nothing, we could still have more experiences. That was five months ago. I tried to tell him I couldn’t remain friends and just be another “friend” on his social media that is never interacted with. Here we are. If I try to ask about another visit he either yells or won’t give me a direct answer. Keeps telling me if I stopped talking about it, it could change but the more I ask, the more he just doesn’t want to do it. It’s been the most confusing (and hurtful) experience I’ve ever had. I’ve tried to talk about attachment but he just scoffs and says I’m sure anything you’ve read says to stay away from me.

[@madhuryamaa]

​@@shawndevoid9813 how can we open up dialogue about attachment styles? How did you come to this point?

[@Meg.1122]

​@@shawndevoid9813 I'm curious to know your healing process. What was the thing/situation that made you want to work on yourself?

[@TheBeautifulShutin]

It sounds abusive to me. I don’t fully know your situation but if someone spoke to me like that I don’t think I would want to be around them.

[@haileyscomet35]

i’m in a relationship with a DA now and have been watching these videos to learn about how he operates and what i can do to help grow the relationship, move forward, lessen the hurt i seem to attract from his reactions to most things i do. so am coming to the conclusion that he is almost like a small child and if I want to be with him I will have to premeditate and think out EVERY. LITTLE. INTERACTION. WORDS ETC and I thought my trying now was over the top. I’m burnt out from just every day existing with this man and am suffering from cassandra syndrome if not cotsd from less than a year with him. I don’t think I have the energy and strength to do what will be required of me to stay.

[@Lolipop8686]

I feel like even if you do everything right, you do everything on their terms, whatever... they will then change those terms or create a situation to sabotage the relationship until either you or them cannot take it anymore and has to leave the relationship.

[@UnacceptableTee]

@@Lolipop8686 💯

[@UnacceptableTee]

CPTSD for me with this one. Trying to recover again from having it from past marriage is tough. Trying to build resilience from another burnout. This relationship taught me so much though. Even though it is by far the most painful; it’s taught me to learn boundaries; self love; self care; and that I matter. Huge revelation so he’s been my greatest teacher. Now just trying to build strength ; stamina; and my adrenals ; to move forward. Hugs to you ❤️

[@pure-pisces9980]

Same!! As an AP it's excruciating & hang on & on losing myself.....my nervous system is through the roof!!!

[@pure-pisces9980]

@@Lolipop8686 spot on!! Torcher!!

[@Badmomsclub]

I’m definitely a FA! I’m doing a deep dive into myself and why my DA triggers me constantly! I had no clue why I reacted so strongly and over the top! 😢. I’m starting to understand now! Thank you

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

My DA is a workaholic, but we have a long distance relationship and every time I am at his living place he makes time for us ( sometimes 1-2 days fully). I said to him, I appreciate he makes this time for us… he was so happy I recognise it and thankful for it.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

Dismissive -secure.

[@windysmith7367]

Some are workaholics and perfectionists. I have yet to see one make romantic relationships a top priority.

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

Good luck when you want more than a couple of days

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

@@CryptoTaurusMoon their injuries preclude them from doing anything for anyone. "Reciprocity? What's that!"

[@Betinhaac]

A long distance relatiomship is their safety blanket, their shield, their excuse to not having to deal with it all the time.

[@Badmomsclub]

Yes! I didn’t know that I couldn’t be direct about my feelings with my DA. He shut it down immediately in the beginning. I’m extremely empathic and read the room as it wasn’t safe to share with him at that point. Now we’re 3 years into the relationship and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and working on getting the tools to build something solid with him. ❤

[@Chris_Myers.]

I’ve had a strongly DA person go into what appeared to be a negative spiral of resentment towards me over several weeks, all without saying a single word to me about what they felt was wrong. I can’t properly act in safe ways unless they tell me what is making them feel unsafe. How can I communicate to them that I am not the actual source of them feeling unsafe when they do that?

[@nitacollins3645]

whatever you can think of that is the worst-case scenario of what you could be doing to DA is what they think.

[@TheBeautifulShutin]

This person sounds like they are emotionally abusing you.

[@sansadrake4133]

Maybe you are though. Maybe you did something or said something

[@daniellebures2195]

I’m severely struggling with my relationship with my DA. We’ve made so much progress because of these videos and I’m grateful for that. He is keeping secrets and it’s causing a lot of tension in our relationship. It’s breaking any trust we have left quickly and I feel like my fearful avoidance is ready to run. I don’t know what to do.

[@UnacceptableTee]

Mine always has and continues despite years of therapy and boundaries. Too much hurt and betrayals on many topics to continue any longer. 9 year relationship; found out 5 years in and have tried everything. I have never experienced this type of pain and loneliness in a relationship and I was married to a diagnosed sociopath ( found out at end of marriage). This relationship with diagnosed extremely strong DA/ fa; Has been incredibly eye opening and he’s been my greatest teacher. Time to move on and forward.

[@pure-pisces9980]

I hear u....This is HUGE for me also....& as an AP it's so triggering/crippling!!! 😢

[@katt7370]

@@UnacceptableTee I’m sooooo relieved to hear you say this as I’ve been suffering for 13 years because of my DA husband and now I know I’m not crazy!

[@katt7370]

@@pure-pisces9980 exactly!!!!!

[@UnacceptableTee]

@@katt7370 sending you love 💕

[@marciabravo7483]

Thais, I can’t stop repeating how amazing you and your knowledge are! You are helping me so much as an AP to approach and handle situations with my sweet DA. Without you things would probably be so difficult. I am definitely becoming more secure as I walk this path and learn how to meet a lot of my needs while my DA builds trust and navigates his own fears and challenges. The patterns that you describe are so on point that I just start laughing and wondering how you can know so much! Lots of love and gratitude❤

[@smonaful]

We're only responsible for how we feel and for putting what we want into relationships. The rest is not. Know the difference.

[@Being_Water]

They feel like telling you their needs/sharing their emotions is weakness. That hurt to hear from my wife. But after doing all the research I’ve done on DAs since finding out she is one, it makes sense. I know her childhood traumas. And I love her so much that I’ll never give up on her or us. She is entitled to feel how she feels about things I’ve done, even if I thought what I did was SUPER small. But after going into therapy myself, I’ve come to realize that I can let her be entitled to her feelings and validate her feelings without giving up my own feelings. Sometimes the conversation just needs to be in separate parts. Because spilling all of it on them in one sit down is overwhelming to them. As an FA, I feel the shock immediately when she tells me things, but for her, my DA, it seems like a conversation swells up in her head like a water balloon until it finally pops and she either shuts down completely and pulls further away or she cries a bit and the convo goes well…ish. Spreading the tougher convos out over 2 or 3 days definitely helps.

[@HustleHabit]

I appreciate the grounded tone of this video. It's good to present both sides of a situation to find equilibrium. Life can be both simple and complex.

[@banshee3749]

As a lot of people said before me, the compliments can be also felt awkward to us, DAs. If someone makes a really big deal and wants to talk widely about my "marvellous" deed, I feel extremely awkward. I rather hear just a simple: "Oh, that was really nice. Anyways... (let's go to the next topic.". But I'm working on myself and my emotions, and feel less and less awkward every day. :)

[@Meg.1122]

Good for you. Can I ask you a question? Well, second question😅. What was the thing/situation that made you want to change and work on your attachment? My attachment is FA btw

[@banshee3749]

@@Meg.1122 I have always been interested in self développement but I somehow lost myself in the previous long term relationship. When we broke up some years ago, I took à time for myself to explore. On one point KZbin suggested me PDS, I solved thé test and found out im à DA. I read and watched videos and saw it makes sense.

[@veronicabarron]

@banshee I’m an FA trying to make sense of a breakup with a DA - and I’m wondering about this very thing you mentioned! My ex was often just as you described when I tried to compliment or admire him or do nice things for him - kind of cool, like “oh thanks, moving on” so I could never tell whether he cared or not. But he also told me as we were breaking up that he could never tell if I really liked him or appreciated the things he did for me - which I had been working so hard to show him all along! It was really painful to hear, because I had tried to use many different love languages to hear. Wondering if you have any insights to share from your own experiences - were you able to feel appreciated and loved on the inside, even though you didn’t express much externally? Or is that one of the challenges that comes with DA patterns, in your experience?

[@banshee3749]

@@veronicabarron Hm, it's hard to say. I was aware all the time that I wasn't expressing my emotions and my previous partner was frustrated about it a lot. He did express a lot his affection, but the problem was his duality (or even bi-polarity) one time he was expressing affection and other time he was yelling at me and even shaming me, and saying we should never be together, that I am a mistake etc. when things weren't like they should be for his own selfish good. Slowly and progressivelly I stopped accepting his affection when it was present.

[@sassygal4727]

Omg. Yea. This guy I have been knowing almost seems to hate compliments. I found it weird initially but now I just understand it more....

[@chrishegarty219]

Im seeing this a week too late. I was dating a DA who lives 45 minutes away. We've been dating 5 months, talking all day every day and connecting deeply. It's been amazing. I mentioned commitment/exclusivity last weekend, and she closed off/flat refused, i didn't know how to take it.. belived she must be seeing other guys.. so I wanted a definite answer at the time. It completely crushed me the way she's just backed away. Pretty emotional doesn't justify it. 2 days into non-contact, we left on a good note, so im hoping the time away can make her reevaluate. Thank you for uploading these videos, im working my way through them to fully understand the fear of "exclusively?" She has, which is completely alien to me

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

any update?

[@Katrica670]

That makes sooo much sense, if you give them positive reinforcement, it helps to counteract their deep (defective/shameful/I am bad at my core) core wounds!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad this resonated with you! ❤

[@shawndevoid9813]

As a DA, I can personally attest that I respond very well to positive reinforcement. If you’re constantly being told how everything you do is wrong, but don’t know how to do it right, it’s very soul-crushing.

[@Katrica670]

@@shawndevoid9813 awww that's sooo sweet! Nice to know! Awewww.

[@nicholastracy4915]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thanks for your content, really helps.

[@MissCleo]

Wow😮 11:00 blew my mind....that is the exact dialogue that should have came out of my mouth but ghosted him instead 😢

[@lianavibes]

Always great info. Love the included laughs too 💯

[@cinemaria]

Thank you so much Thais! Always so helpful ❤. Could you make a video about DA different behaviors between friends relationship and romantic relationships? If there is any! Thank you!

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@PrettiestGemini]

How do I make a DA break up with me? I’ve tried telling him that I’m done but he’s relentless. Then when I open up again and put in effort he pulls away. I’m exhausted.

[@roshalllambert]

I loved this webinar! I am glad you are sharing clips from it!

[@Kertgaferg]

As a CEO, and having experienced a strong DA first hand in a situation that almost got me killed due to their stubbornness and inability to know their own limitations and ask for help, I think understanding your employees attachment style is crucial. You'll immediately be able to call them on their BS, understand how they'll respond to issues and be able to deal with it.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Good to know they need more positive reinforcement! I can give that. I need to give more acknowledgement and appreciation.

[@kazao4403]

Bypass by running for the hills 🏃‍♀️ 😂

[@cappygurl]

🤣🤣🤣

[@Brinaweenahwoo]

[@helenherrera7111]

😂

[@riyajacob2909]

😂😂😂...Run in the opposite direction...😂😂😂

[@hunnyb1308]

FACTS!!!!

[@Whatevermancer]

Thank you for the disclaimer(s), Thais

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Thanks

[@tj4787]

Thank you so much for your valuable information , valuable knowledge and support ! 🙏🏾♥️

[@gregorystinette8271]

Wow, this lady is amazing.

[@justsomeguy5417]

Yes i had to learn the criticism thing with my husband. He would stop hearing me saying I wanted more of his time and eventually come back with "well i guess you should just find someone else.! I'm not good enough!" And i had to tell him "no! I want MORE of you!"

[@DailyExercises.1]

👍 nice

[@phoenixroseastrology769]

I'm FA leaning secure and would love for someone to try to help solve a given problem I come to them with, to me it shows an extra layer of caring and I am absolutely baffled when so many people balk at the offer to troubleshoot. Thanks for your insight into this!

[@rhokesh4391]

Apropos praise: Am I the only one who gets *nervous* when praised (too much, but it can sometimes just be ANY praise AT ALL)? It's a feeling like I just completed a level in a computer game, now there's fireworks going off on the screen, and I know the next level is going to be so much harder and I'll be failing spectacularly. Only the game is life and I can't turn it off...

[@joycejones5881]

This is an excellent analogy. My ex did this, and I never understood why.🎉 Thank you.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

My DA praises me sometimes. I take it that she is trying to emerge.

[@andreatorluemke4982]

I learn so much from you about effective communication Thais! Love hearing you laugh and be connected too. So many of us were not modeled effective communication or working through conflicts. This has helped me so much with clients and with healing my heart...

[@jazmynegrace577]

How do you end a conversation with a dismissive avoidant when you feel overwhelmed, without offending them? Seems like every time I try and end a conversation, they shutdown. And it's not that I didn't want to hear them talk I just feel like I'm too full and I can't take anything else in..

[@originalmix2546]

move on to some one who is emotionally mature instead....for your own sake

[@Twighlight333]

Dealing with a DA and listening to this video I say the DAs are very, very sensitive and fragile and it might explain why they are the most emotional avoidant… “if I hardly make any connections with others then I won’t be criticized as much, if I get my own needs met on my own then again no one can criticize me ect” as a FA leaning avoidant myself I can understand that feeling.. in my case I’m such a ppl pleaser when someone is emotionally hurting that I put my own needs aside to the point I self exhaust myself and I cut everyone off emotionally and I say to myself maybe if I never make a friend again or get into a relationship ect ect I will never feel exhausted again… so I keep closing myself up from making any connections in fear or being emotionally taken advantage of. And because of this I can come off as cold hearted and emotionless

[@writergirlkzoo]

I could have written this. It’s so draining, I’m sorry you’ve been through this too

[@prettypoodle26]

Thank you for sharing. As a person who was dating a DA, Thais' videos are helpful but it also helps to hear directly from avoidant people what's going on inside of them.

[@ashton1952]

@twilight I don't know about fragile, I think we're the strongest of all the avoidants, we don't like to cause a problem to others and so we deal with our own stuff. People going excessively emotional blabbing their problems it's like a foreign language and we don't know how to fix it, so it makes us feel as if we're failing our partner somehow, then the fixing.. when someone knows they're defective then the partner points out even more defects about ourselves to focus on and the entire load just gets a bit much. So we withdraw instead of hurting our partner with aggression and critizism. Partner usually can't understand that though and the cycle continues...

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Great awareness for both DA and FA. To unlearn and relearn. Oh yeah DA does not like it and I realize that now how helpless and stressed and pressured my former DA close one felt.

[@adamfindlay7091]

Time is an interesting point w/ DAs,: it like their gold. Don't rush me. If you're as fast as everyone else you must be an idiot too. Etc. Well, seems insecure. Time is different for everyone. Can you really judge an another by how assertive or swift they are to getting somewhere. Are we supposed to get lost in the desert on the way to the Grand Canyon just because they want to take their time? Let's circle around a few more times cuz I don't want to get there, really....

[@lyzamoonshow]

This is hands down the best video about this topic. Thankyou. The criticism thing hit home. I could never understand why everything I said translated as criticism to him.

[@leilacarvalho409]

Lol I broke up with my DA today because i recently expressed how I love when he communicates with me and he stopped all together… So when he reached out I left it like that now hes stalking me and begging me to respond. In my mind I feel like he set the rules now he has to handle it like a man…. Whatever damage I have that attracted me to him im fixing so i never date someone like him again

[@ZephyrBallard]

I'm a DA. I think I read these comments more as an act of pain shopping / self harm more than anything lol.

[@whizkidd2227]

Lol true, makes me feel like I'm incapable of being loved, but then I remember that love comes in many shapes and one of those shapes are for me. Don't worry those shapes(comments) aren't for you. Just keep working on your self and figuring what shapes you fit with😊

[@user-vb6zf1om5t]

But you cannot see the pain and hurt behind the person who is commenting, like I see a lots of comments on DA not receiving gifts or compliments, I mean all u have to do is SMILE and be THANKFUL, grateful You can definitely improve ur communication, by just acknowledging the Efforts, bcoz who else will make efforts, they make coz they LOVE YOU, I am not saying it to you personally, but one has to constantly grow and learn in life, especially for people who are important to you, like I'm myself LEARNING COOKING, DAs can just learn better communication, better Tone, these little gestures, saying I love you, or giving flower won't cost my, it will just need a big Heart ❤️

[@ishajain8379]

Msg from an AP , if you are a DA, actively working on yourself, then these comments aren't for you. These are by hurt people (understandably so), for their DAs who didn't work on themselves and left them deeply scarred just because they were scared of love.

[@JessforR]

I started talking to a DM (or at least an avoidant) and it’s honestly such a turn off. I don’t feel cared for and don’t want to pursue it anymore. There are a lot of single DA out there, I guess I just need to avoid them all 😅

[@maureenponderosa1904]

Thank you for this - interesting. I could see how these tips would be helpful in relating to a DA. Could you do a video (maybe you already have?) on how to (more proactively?) work with DAs on their core wounds that are causing their defensiveness in the first place? I'm seeing a lot of how to manage a DA's defense mechanisms, but any tips on how to gently approach a DA with helpful observations so we, as a team, and with their partner's support, can start healing themselves and the partner of the DA can feel like there's some accountability and grass roots level progress being made? Not being a therapist to the DA, but as the closest person to the DA, partners are in a unique position to see things others, and maybe the DA themselves, might miss or not have great insight on. Is there a way for partners to address DAs with this?

[@alchemicalsoul]

As a therapist I struggle with DAs. In my personal life, I struggle with DAs. It's best to focus on your shadow work. Set boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate. Assertively express needs, and determine if the deactivation strategy and withdrawal of the other person is something you can accept long term. The real question is can you accept them as they are even if they never change. Then you set a goal and achieve it whether to remain or move on to have a healthy relationship with yourself and a life you share with someone healthily attached to self. That's all we got.

[@droflivelife]

I feel so sad for my ex, even though I'll probably never get over her, I know she will struggle to ever have a true relationship. But we can't just do all the work.

[@Katrica670]

How can they feel helpless and powerless when they are THE Most independent and reject interdependence?! 😱😱

[@Sarafara7]

Maybe they feel this way within relationships?

[@shawndevoid9813]

As a DA, I feel like if I’m too dependent on someone else (relationships) my needs won’t get met. I can only trust myself to meet them. I literally used to give this advice to others! My emotional needs weren’t met as an infant, so I had to learn to calm myself. If this is the only way you know how to regulate yourself, then you’ll need a lot of alone time to regulate your nervous system. You’re afraid to ask others for anything, because they might say no or reject you and that would hurt too much. We do have feelings you know. Just because it’s not your programming doesn’t make me less of a person or mean I don’t have feelings. I just don’t know how to express them like others do. I’m sorry if I came off as preachy or angry. I’m just feeling a little emotionally dysregulated.

[@Katrica670]

@@shawndevoid9813 hi hru? I didn't mention anything about feelings, but maybe you became triggered, as ppl do? But yeah on another note I find certain ppl do sct like they got no feelings. Eg. DA's. I only wondered how a DA can actually feel powerless and helpless when they pretty much want no one's help, as per one of their symptoms of their attachment style. Awwww that sucks being ignored and neglected as a bshy. 😭

[@Katrica670]

@@Sarafara7 oh.

[@shawndevoid9813]

@@Katrica670 i realize I didn’t answer the question very well. I know you didn’t, that’s why I apologized. I was a bit triggered reading most of the other comments and I am sorry I took it out on you. You didn’t say anything wrong and were just seeking to understand. Being dependent on others leaves us feeling helpless, as we couldn’t rely on others in our upbringing (parents), so we learned to only rely on ourselves. Asking us to depend on another (or have another depend on us), feels very threatening and helpless. I hope I clarified so that you could understand. As an example, I was in pretty bad shape a few years ago (my nervous system was completely shot due to emotional overload that I wasn’t capable of handling at the time). In addition to so many health problems, my digestive system completely stopped working and I was starving to death. The scariest part for me was having to depend on other people. I really couldn’t do anything for myself and had to ask my mother or my husband for everything (the two scariest people in the world for me to ask something from)! I would actually wait until my parents went for a walk to try get the little food I could digest, as I didn’t want to ask them for it and I didn’t want them to see me not do something right in the kitchen. That’s how afraid I was of asking for help and being criticized. For a frame of reference of how weak I was at the time, I could only use small plastic bowls and cups as regular dishes were too heavy. And I still wouldn’t ask for help. I’d stay in the same clothes for weeks at a time because I couldn’t ask my mom to do a load of laundry for me. I didn’t attend my own college graduation, as I was too afraid to ask my parents to come (didn’t want to waste their time). There are so many more examples I’ve thought of since starting this course, but I hope these give you an idea of what she means by helpless feeling.

[@dr.bonscott3962]

My DA needs to teach me how to love myself & I need to teach her how to love others. Its challenging to love yourself when your needs & emotions are constantly disregarded as nonsensical.

[@replaygeorge]

All this sounds like such hard work, like walking on egg shels, really. I made many connections because a good friend of mine, who I know for many years, seems to fit the description. And it's like you can never know for sure where you stand with them, it's like their way or no way, because any slight attempt to address some issues, they take as criticism, and back off or even lash out, even though on the outside they have this strong self esteem image, almost like a narcissist. And they are very social and fun, but when you want to get close, they'll pull back, sometimes like you say, they can open quite a lot, but if you try to ask a bit further, they will back off. What's odd it's their social behavior which makes you think they are all over the place (social and chatty), but actually it's a cover for all those core wounds you mention, because they get offended or scared so easy, it's confusing. I find exhausting to take so many precautions. I think each needs to be aware to some degree of their issues, and make a bit of effort to take in consideration that others have needs too, even in a very common place like work. Imagine working with a colleague like this, having to give some feedback, but also wanting to help that person to fit in and be part of a successful team.

[@MrVaunorage]

Its sounds to me that they are really hard to date ...

[@gusti2wire]

I was trying so hard to understand my DA ex and 2 years later... I give up. Forget them. They are not worth the squeeze.

[@ontheoutsidelookingin275]

They had "Love" demonstrated to them by two unsatisfied partners who avoided fights by avoiding each other.

[@kimberlyhovis5864]

I wish I had known about this stuff 20 years ago. It's better late than never, though.

[@shawndevoid9813]

I do have a question for Thais, or anybody out there. Where is part I? I can’t find it anywhere and would like to watch myself (as a DA) and also send to my husband. This is one of the best and most practical videos you’ve done for DA’s Thais, thank you! 🤗

[@Mississippian]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/jISVp6yffNCGo5Y&feature=shares

[@focusrelentlessly8829]

Here's the link ; kzbin.info/www/bejne/jISVp6yffNCGo5Y

[@craggshistory2085]

I really wish I’d known about attachment styles a couple of months ago. As a FA with AP (by looks of it) and I think having being involved with a DA…I wish I’d known a lot of this.

[@inyadreams948]

Fa real I wouldn't avoided them

[@trinaija]

I wished I learned this stuff a year ago.

[@damalewis9277]

So much work to get nothing in return. What's the point?

[@vosk6481]

To drain yourself and just be discarded once they’ve used up all your energy.

[@NoName-zb1gm]

It's shame you'd think one of the reason the walls are there is because no one accepted them for who they were and didn't try to change them. Now someone chooses them and wants to love them and they still can't find peace and happiness. This is sounding like the woman I like with each video.

[@m7m850]

How would you suggest communicating when a DA return after they backed away for a couple of weeks/months.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

I look at it as they are not clueless and because they value self reliance, they probably value straight talk governed by rules of ethical speaking.

[@priscillaallen5276]

I feel strongly for a DA who ended the relationship when it was getting too close for his comfort. The man suffers deeply... is a clinical depressive. My heart bleeds for him. Would it really just push him away if I tried to hug him? I haven't dared to try.

[@drivesanoldcar]

Find a DA who PROVIDES physical security and physical needs. It will make it easier to put up with them. HOWEVER as the woman says, don't complain. DA will take it as a failure to provide. They will try harder but in the end they were already trying so they will rationalize that what they have isn't enough and drift away. If the DA is cool they will appreciate you from afar and wish you well.

[@Katrica670]

@10:49 it's funny he asked me what are we like 2/3 weeks, or a month of knowing me! 👀🧐🤔😱

[@ralucamera6574]

It’s their way only! Or out from relationships. They do not like open communication, or they take it personally.

[@hellobye4984]

How do I tell my DA Long distance relationship that I want to talk to him over the phone when he just won’t

[@ellien875]

I validated his feelings after three exchanges then I proceeded to ask him if I could tell him something important. He said yes. Then I sent him a paragraph of the honest truth advice using the Sandwhich method. He responded back really well but now after your video, I’m thinking making that made him distrust me again because I gave advice and weren’t present with him. Can any DA confirm if this was ok or not?

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

It is hard to know when positive reinforcement is effective. Mine said she is not an unfeeling lump of human flesh, listed all of our positive attributes, and then dumped me on a fabricated future scenario where we might disagree.

[@Badmomsclub]

Yes! My DA boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has said that all the time! His common phrase is . “You’re coming at me!” Me: confused…”no Babe… I just want to talk about this!” Him: “. You’re attacking me.. 😢. Now that I’ve been watching your videos I’m seeing all the signs! I’m a FA/ AA…. And a Pisces… idk if that has anything to do with this either 😂… but I am the oldest daughter of 2 deaf parents… forced to care for them and all of my younger siblings. I’m in a dA relationship… I’m super confused because I’m a very communicative person!! He shuts down immediately…. Runs away…. Me being FA.. I run after him! I’m learning a lot with these videos… I’m learning my own AS… and that I have CPTSD/ ADHD. I had no idea about all of this… I had asked him about our relationship early on and he freaked out and said “ nope../ I’m not talking about this”! Lol😂. I had no idea this triggered him! It’s 3 years later../ I get him now/.. learning my trauma and his! Had taught me a lot

[@martine5716]

I'm about to go and watch the webinar, but I have a question on fault finding. I noticed my DA started fault finding, but they weren't even real faults. For example I have a shared driveway where all our rubbish bins are kept, I'd been seeing him for 12 months and all of a sudden he commented sarcastically, "have you got enough bins?" Because he'd been narky I didn't tell him it was a shared driveway in the nicest tone, which wouldn't have helped the cause. But anyway, 2 weeks later the communication dropped off, he said he was just busy, then out of the blue I got the, "I don't think we should see each other anymore". He went into complete deactivation and won't speak at all. This has happened 3 times in 3 years, unfortunately I've only just discovered attachment theory😢❤️

[@damalewis9277]

Sweetie, what are you getting out of this? Three times in three years. Don't give him a 4th chance to hurt you. Move on. Wish I had. Gave mine a 3rd chance, married him, and he ruined my life.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yes get out of it because there is a pattern with them a cycle you're going to end up really broken 💔 I know I'm recovering from the same thing it's sad that people treat us like thus when all we trying to do is love them.

[@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572]

How do you positively reinforce -literally - nothing? Zero (0). I have lovingly communicated my needs & boundaries in regard to a romantic trip we were planning. Basically, i was going to have to pay for the airfare & hotel (i.e., he has roommates). I asked for dates that worked better for my schedule & budget, but he was insistent for his way. I expressed that it was feeling one -sided and my need to see some effort in planning the romantic trip since i was literally spending so much money and sacrificing so much. I told him that I couldn't buy the non-refundable ticket w/o him showing some effort. A whole week later, nothing. The scheduled trip is 3 weeks away and prices have increased. I have to cancel.

[@gregwriezener9693]

Can you do a video on why DAs breakup over text?

[@nomakeupcutie]

They don't like confrontation

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Avoidance of conflict. Avoidance of any and all perceived difficulty.

[@ruthr8990]

Why do I want someone like this?

[@jeanmm6823]

Well can someone explain when I give positive reinforcement, DAs have done the opposite? 🤔🥴

[@theawakeningplanet2186]

Oh no!! I know i need to run for the hills..but...I am drawn in...DA are a pain in the butt...maybe the juice isn't worth the squeeze...

[@johnnycassell4338]

How to bypass Area 51's defenses in order to take cool pictures.

[@damalewis9277]

Bingo.

[@jenaya_laila2442]

😂🤣😂

[@inyadreams948]

Im so exhausted literally tip toeing

[@Katrica670]

@12:46 not even SA's? 😱

[@jerushajaffery5070]

Hi, thank you so much for your videos. But can you also make videos about marriage couples? I’m an AP and my husband is a DA. We’ve been separated for 4 months, mainly because of our attachment style. How do we handle this or what to do next? :(

[@jared8019]

So many people are bitter and immature with what they are commenting. Instead of listening and understanding how they are approaching things wrong, they would rather talk negatively about a DA because of their differences. If you can’t learn to understand that DA’s operate in essentially a logical state and many make the mistake of taking an emotional approach to them, you are a major part of why things went wrong.

[@alexblainelayter7703]

You're not wrong about the emotional resentment in the comments. But what most DAs don't understand about themselves is that their every action is driven by emotion. They rationalise, they argue, they analyse but in the end most of their actions are driven and dominated by fear. The key to becoming secure is understanding that emotions are giving us cues about our mental and emotional wellbeing but they are not in themselves scary or to be avoided, they are to be paid attention to. APs have their own issues around emotional intimacy but it would be wrong to call one attachment style inherently emotional and the other logical. They are two sides of the same coin, in my view.

[@HustleHabit]

@@alexblainelayter7703 I agree. Well put.

[@jonm.678]

Exactly. I’m just discovering attachment theory and finally understanding that I’m a DA- but everyone seems really hostile to DAs. I’m just trying to navigate this space. I just started therapy. Not to say the criticisms are wrong because I’ve experienced a lot of them. However, I feel like people vastly overlook why DAs are DAs- we didn’t choose to just be like this. Granted, it’s no one else’s responsibility to deal with us. But a little patience goes a long way.

[@efuucdgbjiddvhi]

I will quickly say to take an all or 🚫 thing approach never ends well. All emotion or all logic Will never be an intelligent approach. So please don't ask anyone to do that. Behaving in such a way is screaming personality disorder.

[@corihardy22]

Facts!!!! Agreed! All these comments sound like children having temper tantrums because they aren’t getting their way. Awwww you’re mad because mommy or daddy didn’t like the poorly colored picture you made at school? 😢

[@tatianan4637]

Sounds so hopeless…

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

It mostly is.

[@Malariaman]

I swear there are so many people here looking at these videos so that they can 1: armchair diagnose the people in their lives with attachment styles and 2 to use this information to vet any potential partners that enter into ther lives. And im not speaking out of pocket , just read the comments. It's really sad and kind of ridiculous, and i would wager that half the people here need to work on themselves and exqmine theor own shit instead of judging potential mates

[@martine5716]

I'm an FA who's studying psychology so you can only imagine my reaction to, "Don't solve their problems for them." 🤯🤯🤯❤️

[@gala2103]

same as an AP 😅🤪

[@thebanjodiva]

90% of the time the DA’s excuse for not trying to meet someone’s needs is that they don’t know what to do, then when you tell them what to do to meet your needs, you are ignored, dismissed., silenced. These people are every bit as impossible as narcissists.

[@simonthewatchguy6073]

100% true. I asked my ex for more love, intimacy, to plan ahead for our future. Got told "i'm busy" or "I need to save money if we are going to be together" or "I don't know how". It was like talking to a child. I love her but it cost me my sanity.

[@joannemcclelland5271]

My DA blew off my birthday. (Not forgot. Blew off. ) I told him he needed to make it up to me or it would cause me to go mad with resentment. He said he would. Nothing. I followed up on it twice. My birthday was 2 months ago. Nothing.

[@Katrica670]

@8:41- 9:00 that's funny the DA I been dating for over 4 yrs had parents fighting in the house, his mom and her siblings fighting badly, lotsa holding grudges/giving the cold shoulder/shutting their realtives out of their lives...👀🧐🤔

[@bornthisway3360]

Edited to say I'm FA with decades of work These comments and especially the comments on the FA's videos seem like a sounding board for people who have not done their own work with greiving or letting go of hurt. They have found validation to hold on to it and it's evident how deep their wounds are. We are each a whole person and have our own journeys. If your choice is not to stay, if you are being hurt then be proactive in your own journey seek out with intention the solutions. All of these attchments are not perfect. Why wish them the worse on your way out or after? Why put them in a box of punishment? Who are we to say what someone deserves in these scenarios? And aren't APs, DA's and FA's already paying a price for something they never asked for? As much as you feel traumatized and pain they do aswell. For all of these types of attachments that are here are doing the work. Give them credit for showing up! It takes a crap ton of courage to face what we've done or who we are and definitely how it has impacted our lives and loved ones. If your using these resources to prove how wronged you were and to wish punishment ask yourselves not what they need to do but what you need to do. Everyone has choices to make ... choosing what brings you peace and harmony is more important then shoulding on others. Don't waste your time on journeys that have nothing to do with you if you have left you are no longer involved with them. Whatever will be will be for them. It takes hard work for us loved ones make the effort to support them and even more effort for them to put in the work. If they don't do the work make your choices for you alone.