6 Signs It's NOT Real Love, It's Hoovering

[@Psych2go]

Disclaimer: Hoovering tendencies can be exhibited by anyone, but it does not automatically classify them as an abuser. It's crucial to consider the facts and intentions behind these actions. Hoovering is commonly used by abusers when they perceive their victim is trying to leave, which is why we made this video to raise awareness. Furthermore, this video does not suggest that all narcissists are abusers. Our objective is to provide information aimed at identifying unhealthy relationship behaviors.

[@AC-ni4gt]

I honestly can agree. It's happened to me more than once. Basically: it's really debilitating.

[@arjaymartin0701]

Guess not being everything I want

[@Nightf200]

Is there a video you guys have about social anxiety? I might need to watch out for that

[@Spacemonkeymojo]

Why would you make this video and assert this kind of thing about "hoovering" so strongly and then add a disclaimer in the comments like this? I don't think your video suggests that all people who "hoover" are narcissists either. You simply cannot make statements like this in absolute terms. Please focus on looking things objectively, all these new relationship advice coming out the past few years, e.g. hoovering, love bombing etc. are so one-sided against supposed "abusers". You really can't talk about all relationships as if someone who showers their new partner with attention and gifts are definitively a "love-bombing narcissist". Honestly I believe a lot of recent relationship advice is just trying to manipulate people to question their partner's intentions and you don't know, partners might actually have honest intentions. Not all relationships must have an abuser in them but your content makes it seem like they do.

[@merzunder]

In which time intervals should you normal text someone? Sometimes I write all my friends dayli and sometimes I'm just trying to get to my bed. Like when do you know if it's too frequently or when is it too much. I thought texting frequently was normal and I always felt bad for not doing it but now I'm just confused. Please I want to know

[@PomForCalm]

A narcissist making a promise is nothing but empty words. They’re like New Year’s resolutions…broken by the next day.

[@sandiletwala3001]

True. This is why I don't like making promises, instead I just try my best only

[@mdr8062]

Wow omg this is so deep… you’re so deep and mysterious like wow I’m honestly so in awe wow…

[@xuemma-pb7ys]

very true ,even one simple word they can not keep ….

[@AquaQuokka]

If your girl: - Makes a lot of noise - Is always doing the dirty work - Cleans around the house That's not your girl... That's a Hoover ONEPWR™ Emerge Complete Cordless Vacuum

[@taylormbp]

@@AquaQuokka 🤣✋️ I'm so sorry for laughing, I love this comment.

[@_ZO73M_]

What dirty thing? 🤨

[@Daikon-YT]

​@@_ZO73M_ cleaning dust around the house

[@Polza-sd1sm]

Ia koa ma olona boka masantoko ty ee 😂🤣😂🤣 Sora mafaiky kara diky 😂🤣😂

[@frobosama4857]

what..

[@helen_lucilfer]

Reminder: if you are watching this video, then you are slowly recovering and seeing the first signs! Keep going, you can do it!

[@taylormbp]

Thanks, I plan on showing my friend this video, and maybe it can help him see what he's doing and better improve himself, and even spot the difference.

[@shu7184]

I can't believe i still miss her after watching this:( thanks for the kind reminder, i hope everyone on my shoes or in a similar situation has a healthy recovering ❤️‍🩹

[@harmonetheanimationaddict4419]

Or I’m just curious.

[@Certez2]

Or was just interested what "hoovering" is, or missclicked it, or just got here randomly, or something else

[@nabuchodonosormcgalapatram6941]

Nah, it just popped in my recommandations, and I didn't know what hoovering meant...

[@naomilauzut92]

I feel so horrible, I had no idea . I'm so glad this video was released . Gonna work on myself

[@materioverda1655]

Hi, a psychiatrist told me once that when you recognize your own "toxic" behavior, it's either you can change your ways for the better or you're not an abuser at all and you you might just be in a dynamic that made you feel that you are an abuser. But it will take time and a lot of pain before you come back to your senses. God be with you...

[@naomilauzut92]

@@materioverda1655 thank you so much

[@bennekin]

I believe in you, I trust that u can now make the right choices

[@naomilauzut92]

@@bennekin thank you

[@aaronortiz1422]

​@@materioverda1655 I just changed my tactics so I can keep my girls in line

[@creativecurtains1354]

The hardest part in the pattern of the cycle is the discard. You find you have a big void in your life. You have given too much of yourself to one person. If you don’t fill the void, with self care, family and friends, hobbies, work, find your own likes and dislikes, then it’s so easy to accept “something” “anything” You can hear it, feel it, it’s not real, you are not going anywhere, you are sleepwalking, and finding old pathways of familiarity. Fill the void or to accept the void, is a life of tiptoeing around it, fearful of the abyss.

[@noobzito2]

Timestamp! -0:23 What is hoovering? -0:55 Empty promises -1:43 Nonstop contact -2:29 Over-the-top gestures of love -3:22 I'm crazy? You're the one being crazy! -4:09 But I need you... -5:04 Everything is fine

[@matefs]

Thank you

[@noobzito2]

@@matefs :)

[@catedi3679]

Most o the above with a childhood friend. Then I law. I don't want to go backward, iam simply not the person anymore. I have done work on me for the past 20 years.for what ? Most childhood early adult memories weren't even good with her anyway. Now I know I will remove myself from any social setting that may occur. We're 2 very different ppl regardless we know each other for 35 years.

[@WannabeAltruist]

I'm trying to think of what the opposites would be. If the relationship is up in the air and you want to give the optimal environment for you both to naturally come to healthy decisions: What do we look for in our partners? What do we examine in ourselves to make sure we are not engaging in problematic behavior? (This is assuming it's not an obviously abusive relationship and neither partner expressed a relevant boundary or final decision, etc.) 1) Empty Promises vs. Well thought out internal Commitments: I think in these situations we need to be really careful about making promises to another person. You're better off making a commitment to improve yourself without any external expectations. Optimality, don't even mention it if you want to improve. Just do it - and try to make sure it's sustainable - if you only change for a week you'll be back in the same situation before long. Maybe find a support group or a friend who will help hold you accountable. 2) Non-stop contact vs. giving space: It can be hard to get proper perspective without having time away to reflect. Don't try forcing conversation. Make sure that you are respecting eachothers boundaries. 3) Love Bombing vs. Moderate/sustainable Affection: If you're concerned about being Love bombed, you probably need to clarify your boundary to them and make sure that they're not overstepping it. For yourself, examine motivations, ensure you're not making covert contracts and expecting something in return. Nor overextending yourself or forcing the acts of kindness to a point that's obviously unsustainable and will breed resentment. Nor trying to get them to forget the challenges in the relationship - afterall covering a mouldy cake with sprinkles won't fix it. 4) Gas lighting vs. Empathetic Listening: I believe the traditional definition of this necessitates intent. However, I'll admit I've undermined a partner like this by accident before too. The key to avoiding accidentally hurting your loved ones this way - as I've found - is to commit to never calling them crazy or doubting their words - if they were legitimately delusional it probably wouldn't do any good anyways. And so far in 100% of my instances I just misunderstood what they were saying or forgot about the incident they brought up until they elaborated. Made them feel like their memories couldn't be trusted when I just needed to listen better. When we realized what was going on it was even harder for them to trust me. Far better to focus on active empathetic listening and reflection than risk that. 5) Guilt Tripping vs. Healthy Support Networks: I've been the victim this one mostly. Knowing how awful it is makes it easier to avoid. Mental health can take a huge hit during breakups. Make sure you're reaching out to friends, family, therapists, etc. In fact establishing those support networks proactively is even better. If I'm feeling.. y'know.. bad.. my (former)partner is the last person I'd tell. It's not good for either of you and in the long run it would not improve your relationship. It's coercive, you won't know if any reactions are genuine, and if you actually love them, you don't want to put them in that situation. 6) Everything is fine vs. It is what it is: acknowledge what the other person says and feels. If they're open to it, you can give your own perspective as well but don't ignore or invalidate them. Obviously at least one of you was not happy the way things were going. You can't fix that if you let it get swept into the rug. And lastly, if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, or worried you might be or become toxic - get out of that situation. The moment shall pass - it's not worth losing perspective and hurting someone you care about - even if it feels like they are making a mistake - when you love someone You must respect their their autonomy. Trust them to make their own mistakes. You are responsible for your own actions only. Anyone have feedback?

[@averagejane09]

"Everything is ok" tactic....that was a lightbulb. I instinctually knew it was a side-stepping tactic to get the relationship to resume without having to fix anything or address anything. So, my feelings are brushed aside, nothing is fixed and therefore will repeat in the near future. I am not sure if the person I am dealing with is in fact a narcissist, though he presents like one often. I can only say the relationship is unhealthy and he uses unhealthy behaviours. This being one of them. Thanks for this.

[@tripletflamesrainbowstarpeople]

This video opened my eyes. Someone who is trying to win me back is showing multiple signs of hoovering. I had no idea this would apply to me and this person!

[@averagejane09]

I am in the hoovering process too....

[@user-hl1ct3yh1r]

Stay strong, goodness will come out of patience.

[@cosmolosys]

Wow I didn't know faking being fine was part of this too. It's all coming together. Honestly the guilt tripping starts happening, and I block them, the person I thought was close to me becomes so threatening and scary to me, and they know where I live so it's really hard to feel safe in my own home. I hope I can forever recognize and prevent getting close to people like this.

[@gatorssbm]

Just be hesitant to offer too much too soon and dont treat everyone with respect unless theyve earned it or void it if youre sure they did something rude. These are signs narcissists look for to use people that have trouble enforcing boundaries.

[@averagejane09]

The everything is fine one was the lightbulb for me too. That is the glossing over to draw you back in without having to address anything...which means it will happen again. Can't fix what you won't acknowledge.

[@gerardodiezmartinezmedina2099]

It feels like real love is not avoiding at all cost problems or complications but working on them together by firstly recognizing them.

[@vini8562]

Man... I had so good times with my ex, now I see this videos and see what a mess we were together 💔

[@A55a551n]

Timestamps 1). Empty promises 0:55 2). Nonstop contact 1:43 3). Over-the-top gestures of love 2:28 4). I'm crazy? You're the one being crazy 3:21 5). But i need you 4:08 6). Everything is fine 5:03 Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙

[@Lilyium]

Thank you ❤

[@A55a551n]

@@Lilyium not a problem

[@mindyfree]

Hoovering-a love vacuum that sucks the joy right out of you! 🚫💘 Time to switch from 'Hoover' mode to 'Self-care' mode

[@Absolhunter251]

Hoovering is bad... Narcissists are bad, and relationships are bad with the bad people, everything is bad. It's rare to find a good person these days. 😢 I'm glad Im not going into another relationship after recovering from a narcissist. This video spoke everything I went through in my 2 year relationship of lies 💔 Thank you for this video... really thank you..

[@borko1581]

@@Absolhunter251 i believe there are alot decent people out there, but the wrong people are the most outstanding. and people who can't set boundaries are like a magnet for bad people. In my personal experience I noticed that I filtered good people out, because they felt unfamiliar, while abusive people were not only attracted to me, but I was also attracted to them. Breaking that pattern requires some extreme behavioral changes over a long period of time and alot of cleaning up in social circle. Basically creating space for new people to come while also becoming a new person.

[@GamerA.S6515]

Yea i needed this video to realise i was being manipulated by validation. It sucks because i am scared of it happening again

[@brain_respect_and_freedom]

Thank you. I've learnt a new English word👍 Hoovering is a type of emotional abuse in which a person engages in manipulative behaviors to “suck” or “hoover” (yes, like the vacuum brand) someone back into a toxic or abusive relationship with them.

[@GustavoRodriguez-ty5su]

After watching this video, now I can better analyze my own actions in my previous relationship. Now I feel way more sympathetic towards her and I’m happy that she broke up with me because now she’s free able to rediscover her happiness again. :) if her happiness includes my absence then so be it.

[@blakodesu3769]

Same here, I did some of these to a girl and we'll it didn't last, but now I'm glad and feel bad for how I acted. She is a really good person and deserves the best, I could've been so much better.

[@florencenkechi4157]

I been through this whirl wing of emotions with my narcissistic ex… everything you said was his pattern. Finally moved on and he hovered around for two years without being able to win me back because I moved on for good. Now he is also blocked for life

[@BlueEyedVibeChecker]

As a Brit I saw "hoovering" and thought, how does one mix up romance and cleaning?

[@typicallytalya]

They have different meaning

[@Dinhi-gq9rb]

Don't pretend, that's what your types do

[@Dinhi-gq9rb]

Don't pretend, that's what your types do!

[@Dinhi-gq9rb]

As an expert on Brit s, that is BS about your comment

[@BlueEyedVibeChecker]

@@Dinhi-gq9rb You like, got a bit of a stutter there bud?

[@XAEzl]

Some of these, though, can be common in a normal and healthy relationship. Constant attention and over-the-top gestures can be a good thing. Though, it's best to be careful

[@RecklessInspirer]

Right. Timing is everything.

[@WannabeAltruist]

Right. That's why I'm trying to think of what the opposites would be. If the relationship is up in the air and you want to give the optimal environment for you both to naturally come to good decisions, what would healthy/normal versions look like? What do we look for in our partners? What do we examine in ourselves to make sure we are not engaging in problematic behavior? (This is assuming it's not an obviously abusive relationship and neither partner expressed a relevant boundary or final decision, etc.) 1) Empty Promises vs. Well thought out internal Commitments: I think in these situations we need to be really careful about making promises to another person. You're better off making a commitment to improve yourself without any external expectations. Optimality, don't even mention it if you want to improve. Just do it - and try to make sure it's sustainable - if you only change for a week you'll be back in the same situation before long. Maybe find a support group or a friend who will help hold you accountable. 2) Non-stop contact vs. giving space: It can be hard to get proper perspective without having time away to reflect. Don't try forcing conversation. Make sure that you are respecting eachothers boundaries. 3) Love Bombing vs. Moderate/sustainable Affection: If you're concerned about being Love bombed, you probably need to clarify your boundary to them and make sure that they're not overstepping it. For yourself, examine motivations, ensure you're not making covert contracts and expecting something in return. Nor overextending yourself or forcing the acts of kindness to a point that's obviously unsustainable and will breed resentment. Nor trying to get them to forget the challenges in the relationship - afterall covering a mouldy cake with sprinkles won't fix it. 4) Gas lighting vs. Empathetic Listening: I believe the traditional definition of this necessitates intent. However, I'll admit I've undermined a partner like this by accident before too. The key to avoiding accidentally hurting your loved ones this way - as I've found - is to commit to never calling them crazy or doubting their words - if they were legitimately delusional it probably wouldn't do any good anyways. And so far in 100% of my instances I just misunderstood what they were saying or forgot about the incident they brought up until they elaborated. Made them feel like their memories couldn't be trusted when I just needed to listen better. When we realized what was going on it was even harder for them to trust me. Far better to focus on active empathetic listening and reflection than risk that. 5) Guilt Tripping vs. Healthy Support Networks: I've been the victim this one mostly. Knowing how awful it is makes it easier to avoid. Mental health can take a huge hit during breakups. Make sure you're reaching out to friends, family, therapists, etc. In fact establishing those support networks proactively is even better. If I'm feeling.. y'know.. bad.. my (former)partner is the last person I'd tell. It's not good for either of you and in the long run it would not improve your relationship. It's coercive, you won't know if any reactions are genuine, and if you actually love them, you don't want to put them in that situation. 6) Everything is fine vs. It is what it is: acknowledge what the other person says and feels. If they're open to it, you can give your own perspective as well but don't ignore or invalidate them. Obviously at least one of you was not happy the way things were going. You can't fix that if you let it get swept into the rug. And lastly, if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, or worried you might be or become toxic - get out of that situation. The moment shall pass - it's not worth losing perspective and hurting someone you care about - even if it feels like they are making a mistake - when you love someone You must respect their their autonomy. Trust them to make their own mistakes. You are responsible for your own actions only. Anyone have feedback?

[@mereru9681]

This channel always has the softest voices ❤

[@sunsme3243]

Took me so many years to accept that this was happening to me (barely a month ago after 10 years). Other than hoovering there was general emotional abuse. The "interesting" point though is that my ex has DPD (dependent personality disorder)... and they're typically victims in toxic relationship. Yet, she was the abuser (the big age gap was the power dynamic; I was much younger.). I had literally no friends other that this partner and when I tried to develop my social life she reacted abruptly and isolated me even more. She used every weakness I had against me for me to be with her and feel guilty about leaving her ( I was "the only one" that understood them blabla)... whilst I was having a terrible time in my own private life (mental and physical health, school, abuse from mother, and other things). Either way, this video came in the right moment. Keep up the good work!

[@oro4633]

if you dont want people to bring you down, then learn to leave those people

[@SuperBozz]

Bruce

[@Wii07ENTERTAINMENT]

I hate thinking that it is real love when it's not & is something else....

[@rashavchettri9213]

Happened to me... By a girl.. glad we are nt together anymore and my life never been so peaceful and happy... 😊

[@raraowl]

I was watching videos all morning on Narcissism. This was def meant for me. Good timing 😂

[@Psych2go]

We hope this video helped. did any of these signs resonate?

[@averagejane09]

Oh that is a tough phase when you are absorbing a lot of this info. Hang in there.

[@talonflame3128]

honestly i feel worried by watching this video that i was "hoovering". I feel like some of the things i did while i did not intentially do anything to try to manipulate and i did keep my word with everything i said.. I didnt break promises or have any empty promises, i live by promises and am very certain never to break them. I would constantly contact them as we were kinda falling apart but not with the intention of manipulating them, just because i really enjoyed the time i spent with them as we were friends for like 7 years and dating for 3. I would "love bomb" because i enjoyed seeing them happy and giving them gifts was a way to show how much i cared.. i dont think i did any gaslighting as i tried really hard not to do that. The "needing" them thing was because they were truly my only comfort in a very dark time of losing my best friend and i felt like spending time with them was the only time i didnt think about it and feel horrible due to it. I dont think i acted like "everything was fine" and i didnt pretend we were still together or anything but overall this video just has me feeling unsure about it all. I did really love them but i dont know if how i acted was unhealthy for them. I know that more context was probably needed to be able to tell, but was i unintentionally being manipulative...?

[@zachlayman4956]

I feel the same thing but I think in actuality if I'm able to fear doing this to someone and am able to reflect on myself with these that I did truly love them. Sometimes I think because I went through a lot of bad experiences I mistake my own love as hoovering and other people's acts of love as them trying to manipulate me. I always had to guard my heart because of a deep rooted pain so now I try and find bad intentions where they really don't exist. If you're not searching for the right answers, you wouldn't have watched this video... and if you were hoovering, I think you would've moved on long ago.

[@blakodesu3769]

I've just realized I was also kinda hoovering and I think you're in the right spot. If you consider that you may have acted wrong that means you could've done better, maybe it wasn't that bad as you may think it was, but definitely wasn't the optimal behavior. The first step is to realize it though so we're on a good path! Now we gotta work on ourselves.

[@briancho237]

Lot of the things mentioned in the video happens in normal relationships Buying gifts, contacting your loved one regularly, asking them what they are doing etc. are all extremely normal behavior I think this video does a bad job of explaining in depth that WHEN and WHY someone is doing this is more important than the action itself What they meant by 'love bombing' in the video is really when someone does nice things to others to make up for their bad behaviors

[@nm9412]

I found this video very helpful to understand my previous relationship. I went no contact 8 years ago. Everything mentioned here is exactly what happened.

[@Psych2go]

Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear that. Sending you lots of healing and love

[@July__248]

I’m watching this video because my mom is being hoovered but she doesn’t believe me when she got married to the guy after 8 years of him refusing to marry and now he treats her like nothing he no longer shower her with gifts only little bc he feels her pulling away then he texts less frequently and makes her feel like she’s crazy I knew this video would prove what I said but she’s still not convinced💀

[@taylormbp]

@July__248 I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that. But unfortunately, some people have to learn the hard way they just do. That's the reality of it. I mean, you can pull up with all the evidence you want, right? They still wouldn't listen. No matter what you or a friend or family member said, she still loves him, and maybe there is something she sees in him that others do not. I recommend couple counseling, and couple theraphy, it could be very beneficial. I don't want to seem like I'm prying or knowing what's going on in your life. I hope this helps.

[@July__248]

@@taylormbp I recommended the same thing to my mom because I know she wouldn’t pull away but they both said that therapy in general is for crazy people and that they won’t share anything to a stranger in a chair💀like I feel like I need therapy does that make me crazy idk but yep ig she has to learn the hard way🤷‍♀️

[@averagejane09]

@@July__248 Oh man. Tough to accept. People have to go on their own journey's. Your mom is for whatever reason not ready to leave this. The more you push her to, even if you are right, the harder it might be on your relationship to her and most importantly yourself. Possibly you could use someone to support you through watching this and help you sort through your feelings about it. So sorry. Maybe the best thing to do is to just take her out and have fun as much as possible to remind her of what feeling good is like, raise her vibes. Maybe she will eventually realize.

[@July__248]

@@averagejane09 yea I’ve understood this already and it has been hard to watch but it’s hard for me to try to spend time with her when it seems as if she prefers him over me so when I try to be with her she’s not happy but tired like I’m a problem but he has money so he can make her happy dispite his actions and it hurts me 😒

[@ItsDaHybrid]

She did each and every one of those things. It’s crazy how my mind just didn’t want to believe it till she crossed so many lines that I lost count.

[@vendi_woo_]

God I feel so bad… I had another fight with my best friend 2 days ago and I feel like ending the friendship after the many years we‘ve known each other… today I found this video and oh lord, this literally describes her so well…

[@Bucky_Winchester]

Oh my god. This described my last relationship absolutely in detail. Except he wasn't a narcissist, just a dumbass man-baby who needed everyone else to take care of him and caused his own problems, then had the nerve to complain the whole world was against him. It was everyone's fault but his own. He even followed me on a work trip bc he decided he didn't want to be alone and then, stood at the train station at night when we were picking our guests up from abroad 😢

[@malachiashley528]

What do you mean train station?

[@jessjess2325]

I recognized everything you say, it's a long process to strong enough 💪🏼 see the circle, trusted to yourself, intuïtie, self-love en watch for help. With the right people and therapy you will be beter and finding yourself back. And for the people said that for weaknesses woman....NO, Narcisme can happen everybody. The most intelligence intellectual, ampatic and kindness people is easy for them. You have a open heart to see the best in everything how badly it can be. Believe me you can do it, you can survive this, and becomes a stronger person that's love more and better, purely because you see the worst-case of life and person's

[@Polza-sd1sm]

Just block and leave ! And love yourself and your family ! 🤍🤍🤍 As as person asexual and aromantic and love vibing alone, I always do what makes me happy and never wasting my time for nonsense thing 😂😂😂! 🤍🤍

[@theshivrajroy]

this video sent me in deep self introspection ,am i hovering? are my behaviors of love hovering idk man

[@yousramahdy550]

It's likely not because these questions mean you care, and i don't think people with hoovering behaviors cares at all But you can always ask your partner or friend or whoever you love if they are comfortable with you if something you do bothers them or even show them this video and ask if they think it apply on you , it's ok Be genuine , open to feedback, and try to be the best version of yourself I believe that's what matters and makes one a good person

[@yousramahdy550]

Also, read the disclaimer by psych2go It's pinned

[@atin4353]

Love is when you have a deep care and concern for the well-being and happiness of the OTHER person. If it is selfish, it's not love. So ask yourself if you care more about that person's happiness or your own selfish wants/needs?

[@lykamaikalacsa2638]

This makes so much sense. I am happy that I recognize this signs early on. As a kid I am surrounded by entitled narcissists. And if you don't stand on you ground they will exhaust you. Often makes you feel that you are the odd one despite their obnoxious behaviour. Stay strong and always remember you can get help.

[@BamelaAnderson]

I've been trying to take a break from my mom because she just says stuff that causes me to feel bad mentally. So far she hasn't been able to handle it. Fishing for me to tell her shes a good mom when she never was. Left me alone with older men while she went and dated after my dad died... so i was going through losing my dad, AND going through puberty alone. Then when I turned 18 she got married to a controlling dude and all of a sudden i had a curfew and rules. So I left.

[@SilverSunStryker]

Hey I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm starting to realize my mom might be like this too. It's like she puts up with me just because we're related. I'm starting to think she doesn't care. I literally tried to tell her about my life and my injury and she just demeans me and says "you forgot how to ride a bike?" and doesn't really care about my life. But yeah maybe we should both take a break from our moms

[@oddball3264]

​@@SilverSunStrykerYeah my mom is also a narcissist. Why just yesterday I came home from my toxic job because I had to stay past my shift and I hated it. I told her about it and in the end all she told me was "you gotta man up and stop acting like a baby." 🤦‍♂️. Planning on going no contact once I move out

[@VANTAND]

- Well, of course I know him. He's me.

[@Ga61-n9f_her3]

Fck,this guilt kills us both then. 🥲

[@Pokemon.go1]

Idk I think I m doing the same thing with a guy Half part of me loves him and wants to get back with him while the other half of me wants to move on coz it believes both of us deserves better

[@sandiletwala3001]

I have never been in love and I don't want to experience it ever because this world is full of snakes and Demons that you can't trust. In my opinion stay single, grow, improve and and your life and be surrounded by loving and supportive family members

[@Polza-sd1sm]

Totally true ! As a asexual and aromantic person and love vibing alone, I always love SELF-LOVE and my family ! 🤍🤍🤍 The rest I don’t care !

[@sandiletwala3001]

@@Polza-sd1sm screw other people

[@freaxfilm]

😂 you must be 11 years old ❤

[@sandiletwala3001]

@@freaxfilm if you say so 😶

[@sambatrayujin]

I'm sure my parents are like this. My mother hit me, verbally and emotionally abused me my whole childhood; sometimes, she would gossip about me to my sisters. My father didn't show me love growing up, he was mostly distant and cold; and what he calls teaching was pretty much belittling us and comparing us to other people. Due to this long term abuse, my mental health deteriorated, I got depressed for the first time at 14, and have been in and out of depression until now (22), I've considered ending myself a few times, but thankfully, I resisted the temptation. I believe that if they genuinely loved me and didn't abuse me, I wouldn't be in this state right now. However, when I confronted them, I realized they didn't think they did anything wrong, and if they did, it wasn't major, and if it was major, it wasn't their fault, they just didn't know any better. I don't trust them because of what they did to me over and over again, but I still struggle to believe myself when I see them acting like nothing is wrong, and we should be on good terms. I often feel like my life isn't real and my childhood wasn't real and all the pain I felt in my chest every morning, and all the tears I cried and everything weren't real. I don't trust myself or my perception of reality. I suffered at their hand my whole childhood, and now, I'm wondering if I'm the villain in the situation. Help!!

[@LuvCroissant]

Sorry that you going through this ❤️‍🩹 Toxic, narcissistic parents just keep gaslighting children of their behaviors. Best thing is to cut them off, so that you may be independent, and joyful by doing things that you find interesting. Confrontation doesn't work with people who don't want to change, becuase their superiority complex tells them that they never do anything wrong to warrant to being called out. The most important thing is that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. And if no one right now does that, offer it in abundance to yourself. And to the people that love, and support you ❤

[@sambatrayujin]

@@LuvCroissant Thank you so much for your response. I really needed to hear what you said, especially the giving yourself the respect and kindness you deserve. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm trying! Thank you ^^

[@KittyCat790]

Me:*asks about my friends day because I care about them * Them: that’s narcissistic hoovering

[@sailorsallyrockinrarity2130]

My ex-husband breadcrumbed me for years and when I was leaving him, attempted to hoover me. He did five out of these six tactics during the divorce process. My life is SO much better without him in it. I'm engaged and living with my fiancé who actually wants to grow. I was stuck for nine years in a marriage where I had to pull the majority of the weight to make it work. I was tired and felt very unloved. The other thing too, is even if someone has all the right intentions with the huge changes they are going to make, those changes are NOT sustainable! Most people need to consistently change one or two smaller things at a time in order for real change to happen.

[@angel-no5sy]

I can feel my husband's fake hug a mile away.🎉😂😂😂🎉😂

[@andile9192]

This isn't normal to Speak, the worst spot is that it is a truth

[@dahlrjay63]

😢

[@LakeyRonin]

I was with a Narcissist and suffered lengthy and skillful manipulation through 2 seperate year long relationships with the same person with 6 months in between...but, after the final discard, it was I who was the one guilty of attenpting to hoover her. I was convinced she was in it this time and was so deceived...Id email her and use these tactics even if I genuinely meant them and wanted it for the right reasons.... How bonkers is that. Ive questioned for so long since if I was the Narc...but after long reflections, research, therapy and self work...Im not. But this video made me feel so strange.

[@sunnysingh3690]

there is no outward love. no thing and no one . only you are love.

[@RandomGamezJacob]

Thanks, now I'm a little more paranoid about future love 😀

[@Polza-sd1sm]

Not SELF-LOVE ! SELF-LOVE is the Key ! 🔑

[@Rockyroad321]

Thought this was gonna be a video about affection. Cuz I’ve learnt I’m not in Love, I just like the affection they give me and I still do cuz bro I haven’t had a hug by a woman other than my mom in years.

[@shadowheart077]

My ex had to constantly know where I was and what I was doing if I wasn’t talking to them, if I had to leave for a moment they had to know how long exactly in minutes or else they wouldn’t let me leave. They would tell me they would try to be better and then tell me that it was me who had to get better. I was trying to get better at being more direct like they asked but they would just get defensive every time I tried to set boundaries or brought up smt they did that hurt me. Sad thing is that I still love them

[@snarkysunshine]

He is hoovering me in another level of spiritual manipulation.. It turns out that all this time I was being energetically hoovered.. I though him as a twinflame.. After separation, he hoovered me.. Because empaths feel energy.. I thought it was twinflame energy.. Moreover, he used the tactic of inaction.. So I became more convinced that he was a twinflame runner.. Inaction is an action that chooses not to act.. To manipulate me to become anxious, feel a high sense of curiosity towards him, his lack of clarity made me feel like butterflies in my stomach, feel mystery of him, nervous but also excited.. I have known him for 8 years and I realized myself observing what was happening in me and him in this two years.. I was in so much grieving, unused my empathy and doing hermit mode for 2 years.. And understood what manipulative tactics he did to me.. Understandably, the feeling of guilt and inner criticism about me overthinking about him as a narcissist was actually my reactive abuse.. And walking on eggshells.. I need 2 year to sure and closuring him as a narcissistic..

[@chizucoan835]

0:08 me when i watched this video while having a 1year relationship with my gf and realizes:

[@miyu_444]

My partner told me that being sentimental and sensitive makes me a silly person and that is a stress for him because he would never cry for me. And that just like my menstrual cycle I am the only woman in the world who feels sensitive and sad and that his female friends are not like that. That i stress his live. I said many times i'm sorry like a stupid and he never accepted and still fault me. Do i block him?

[@gregoryc7926]

Your mental health is very important if you ask me. So with this, you can decide which aids your mental health in a good way and then you will know...

[@gracehui2212]

Block him, my ex also says I'm sensitive and pessimistic to communicate issues that's why he didn't want to approach me whenever issues did happen. Was upset he went to another girl to talk about it after I contacted him after the break up to settle doubts and he ghosted me, I was angry so I actually end up telling him everything that happened to me after the break up and the girl told him I was 'gaslighting' and 'brainwashing' him which made a huge controversy because that girl spread it in class. Regardless, a partner who fails to communicate because of their own painted image of you generally is also not better himself. Yes it's true that he may only trust other people enough to actually communicate to others but not you; it is no excuse when it comes to the need of communicating with the person directly no matter how uncomfortable they are. But if they fail at communication multiple times it's better not to accept them back no matter whether you still like him or not, because issues like this will never be resolved unless he is willing to communicate and someone who makes you question yourself and think it's your fault they left in the relationship is going to stress you out not him. You'll find someone who will truly love and care about you for who you are, do not continue to settle for someone who saw no value in you.

[@valerichy16_]

Don't think twice, block him!!

[@Mrlulatsch_official]

Why do I feel like , that people in the comments section are nicer than people I know ? 😭

[@gendoruwo6322]

it's because you don't really know the people in the comment section. like the saying "you should not meet your hero"

[@NarcSlayer912]

Oh okay because people be trying to make me feel like I'm “over reacting” 😂

[@idj123idj]

I’ve been dealing with a Hoover for 4 months. This person WILL not stop,. The timing of this video is crazy.. thank you!

[@flowd7451]

BLOCK & HEAL

[@WannabeAltruist]

I'm trying to think of what the opposites would be. If the relationship is up in the air and you want to give the optimal environment for you both to naturally come to healthy decisions: What do we look for in our partners? What do we examine in ourselves to make sure we are not engaging in problematic behavior? (This is assuming it's not an obviously abusive relationship and neither partner expressed a relevant boundary or final decision, etc.) 1) Empty Promises vs. Well thought out internal Commitments: I think in these situations we need to be really careful about making promises to another person. You're better off making a commitment to improve yourself without any external expectations. Optimality, don't even mention it if you want to improve. Just do it - and try to make sure it's sustainable - if you only change for a week you'll be back in the same situation before long. Maybe find a support group or a friend who will help hold you accountable. 2) Non-stop contact vs. giving space: It can be hard to get proper perspective without having time away to reflect. Don't try forcing conversation. Make sure that you are respecting eachothers boundaries. 3) Love Bombing vs. Moderate/sustainable Affection: If you're concerned about being Love bombed, you probably need to clarify your boundary to them and make sure that they're not overstepping it. For yourself, examine motivations, ensure you're not making covert contracts and expecting something in return. Nor overextending yourself or forcing the acts of kindness to a point that's obviously unsustainable and will breed resentment. Nor trying to get them to forget the challenges in the relationship - afterall covering a mouldy cake with sprinkles won't fix it. 4) Gas lighting vs. Empathetic Listening: I believe the traditional definition of this necessitates intent. However, I'll admit I've undermined a partner like this by accident before too. The key to avoiding accidentally hurting your loved ones this way - as I've found - is to commit to never calling them crazy or doubting their words - if they were legitimately delusional it probably wouldn't do any good anyways. And so far in 100% of my instances I just misunderstood what they were saying or forgot about the incident they brought up until they elaborated. Made them feel like their memories couldn't be trusted when I just needed to listen better. When we realized what was going on it was even harder for them to trust me. Far better to focus on active empathetic listening and reflection than risk that. 5) Guilt Tripping vs. Healthy Support Networks: I've been the victim this one mostly. Knowing how awful it is makes it easier to avoid. Mental health can take a huge hit during breakups. Make sure you're reaching out to friends, family, therapists, etc. In fact establishing those support networks proactively is even better. If I'm feeling.. y'know.. bad.. my (former)partner is the last person I'd tell. It's not good for either of you and in the long run it would not improve your relationship. It's coercive, you won't know if any reactions are genuine, and if you actually love them, you don't want to put them in that situation. 6) Everything is fine vs. It is what it is: acknowledge what the other person says and feels. If they're open to it, you can give your own perspective as well but don't ignore or invalidate them. Obviously at least one of you was not happy the way things were going. You can't fix that if you let it get swept into the rug. And lastly, if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, or worried you might be or become toxic - get out of that situation. The moment shall pass - it's not worth losing perspective and hurting someone you care about - even if it feels like they are making a mistake - when you love someone You must respect their their autonomy. Trust them to make their own mistakes. You are responsible for your own actions only. Anyone have feedback?

[@krulogestronist]

each time i see this guy the art style changes

[@gymrachel]

I allowed this to happen. I actually think he enjoyed pretending that he was keen to get bk with me. Avoid!

[@ash1130-_-_-]

This has happened to me once but instead of a relationship, it was one of my friends

[@KyleLennonPerrault]

This is a good video for borderline personality disorder, too me it shows of how much you are holding onto your abuser or parents habits to find healing, & all you are doing is creating a borderline self, which I feel personally shows off a lot of narcissistic traits, even though your intention isn’t the same as a narcissist, it can get very unhealthy having your shifted traits all visible, I’ve learned meditating or something spiritually higher helps root & ground your mind, cause if it wants to travel, I noticed it will.

[@arionie00]

Wow, crazy i recognized someone doing something similar to me, but had no idea what it was called. Glad i know what signs to look for.

[@cindymauck4047]

Before I knew this term I would tell my partner they were “Penguin-ing” me. Like how they huddle around their young and corral them. Feeling suffocated.

[@MikhaelAhava]

I might been hoovering myself without knowing.

[@BLAZE084]

Now. How does one distinguish between “hoovering” and “limerence”?

[@Fanears]

What if you have a legitimate want to change for the relationship but you lack the appathy to do so and you struggle to make the necessary changes?

[@RecklessInspirer]

It just sounds like a manipulative way of not respecting someone’s boundaries to me.

[@SuperBozz]

I normally suck at relationships But prefer to call it "dysoning"

[@RelationshipQandA]

This is very important, thank you for sharing.

[@laceybarbee5553]

I had a boss that hoovered. I caught on and started grey rocking.

[@Eloise-g6z]

Yeah but, I have a friend and she doesnt want me hanging out around others and I promise I wont but then I end up breaking my promise. I dont want our frienship to end. Am I hoovering?

[@officially_verified_0]

I Love Mam You Helped Me So Much To Read My Crush Body Language And I Knows She Loves Me Or Hate Me And This Is all BC Of You Thanks For The Help And Information You Give Every Day We Will Support You Until Die ♥️🔥🔥🔥

[@_ZO73M_]

How is the pinned comment 2 weeks ago ? If it's uploaded 32 minutes ago?!?

[@jennifersanni3248]

My ex narc, that I left almost a year ago, after a period of 3 months of ghosting and then 1 month of only corresponding with emojis and pictures, started the hoovering. After a few weeks, when I finally gave him a gift of words from deep inside of me, he ghosted me again. Been a week now. I don't think he will ever go away.

[@Nola5427]

When he comes back don' t even reply, keep ignoring him.

[@deadinfebruary]

jesus so many of these traits i remember my ex had

[@jovanelol19]

First hour gang?

[@vaishalinayak1815]

The point is my boyfriend just ghosted me and now i am hoovering over him unintentionally

[@paris8201]

I was watching a two people breaking up when this just dropped wth

[@lunarhalo5167]

I believe I am currently in an unhealthy and toxic relationship with my boyfriend..he keeps pulling me back when I want to move on.. and he always does things that he knows im not ok with..I just don't know how to get away from him..my mom says he reminds her a lot of my abusive father..

[@CODEXXPHOENIX]

At this point, I'm very confused and frustrated

[@apocritus2900]

I love how they reference memes

[@ellysetaylor5908]

I watched this just for fun. My bf is amazing and would never manipulate me. But my best friend on the other hand... I always thought it was a crazy coincidence that whenever I asked her for a few days of space (eg because I'm sick or it's finals week), it always seemed to coincide with some life/mental health crisis for her and she suddenly can't spare me for anything, not even for just a few days. And afterword I'm treated like the bad friend for abandoning her in her time of need. Might not be a coincidence.

[@4lessaturn315]

really needed this rn

[@Psych2go]

We hope this helps. Did this video remind you of someone?

[@Cosmatical]

0:49 getting this message from anyone or anything would be terrifiying (Edit: oh)

[@pipodedown1986]

When your alone in your bed at 3 am and get that message 😬😬😬😱😱

[@thed3rpson459]

Am I hoovering? My gf has been tired lately and hasn't texted as much as she normal has about a month ago. From yesterday and before I have been showing concern and care for her, but a while ago she said she seemed overwhelmed a bit (possibly love bombing). I could say a lot about how I'm always with her and that I love her but she mostly doesn't mention anything about it anymore. We go on calls and things seem okay, but she scares me as I'm emotionally attached and even the slightest things like this worry me. Do I need to give her more space or continue with how I am? Is there anything that can help? (There's other underlying things I could say but they are more personal)

[@gracehui2212]

Hoovering is generally communicating to your partner with the intention of gaining something from them using emotional manipulation. If your gf is dry texting you and claiming that she is overwhelmed, ask her if her avoidance is anything related to you. If she still refuses to say what is wrong or pretend nothing is wrong or continuing to distance and avoid, the relationship is in much deeper trouble. It is underlying signs that shows she is uninterested in the relationship, encourage her to speak up about the issues she face. Sit together and have a serious conversation, tell her to be honest. But also you yourself have to prepare emotionally and mentally what she will say, giving her too much space to be with her own peace meant she will think about the situation herself... Tell her to please communicate whatever is on her mind than to keep it to herself, show that you are worried that she keeps it to herself. There is no wrong in showing that you care and love her genuinely, it is not hoovering. Because the feelings are genuine and all you wanted was to ensure that she is doing well. Ask her whenever she is ready to talk, you will be there to listen and resolve it in a way that both partners will be happy from it.

[@thed3rpson459]

@@gracehui2212 Thank you, I'm talking with her now, I'll edit or leave another comment to see how it goes. This is extremely helpful.

[@cala4a_-_-_]

this is difficult, because I did this on accident and I feel so bad. I still wish I could be friends with him, maybe see him someday but i'm scared that he will feel this way about it :(. he is really a very funny guy and I wish from the bottom of my heart that we could be good friends.

[@mangantasy289]

My mother had BPD beyond other issues. I myself am mentally really messed up. (but in therapy. Since over a decade now) She did almost all of this to me for years. And since I really genuinely felt like (or sould I say "was raised to believe") that her wellbeing WAS INDEED my responsability, I could not break free from it. I managed to move out and live on my own (HUGE step, especially since she treatened me to commit suicide if I did. And I could not be sure if she was only bluffing) with long preparation and much much support from my psych.

[@Violet-dk4je]

Impeccable timing Thanks for the video ❤️

[@Psych2go]

Hope this helps! Did you relate to these signs?

[@oro4633]

alot of students do this college. when it comes with relationships for friends in school. learn to leave these kind of people alone.

[@cassielchrist]

Another great video. Thank you.

[@Psych2go]

We hope this helps. Did this video remind you of someone?

[@cassielchrist]

@@Psych2go It helps. The video reminded me of my ex's.

[@Xeer520]

Topic: Me: Ex-Bestfriend: Empty. Promises: Yes. Yes. Non stop Contact: Yes. Yes. Love Bombing: Yes. No(?) Gaslighting:No(?). Yes(?) I need you: Yes. Yes. Everything is Fine: No. Yes. What I’ve learned is that I’m a bad person It’s that Me and my ex always talked to each other non stop bc we both would insert ourselves for me was bc I’m insecure and I loved love bombing them with compliments or hang out constantly bc they always ranted to me and I felt that they were unsafe bc they mentioned thoughts of self harm, and I’m not sure if I have accidentally gaslit them but if I did I feel rlly bad and since me and them were so close I felt like I needed them bc I never rlly had anyone else who has wanted to be my friend and I think I just like clinging on to my friends which I don’t think that’s good and even after time and my ex broke off contact they sometimes pop in my life here and there and act if everything is fine and they insult me every chance they get even if I just happen to say hi to someone in a gc that they r also in but honestly I think I’m the bad person well the most toxic one and I need to fix myself.

[@Xeer520]

Srry for whoever reads this

[@chrtyhwrd]

Exploitative Hoovering can also be financial. My boyfriend has been unemployed for a year and makes me feel guilty if I want to leave. Like I owe him to stay because we been together a long time and he wouldn't do me like this 😑

[@2552644]

holy sht… all the example they provided for crisis was used by this one guy with me… he crashed his car, his pet died, suicide… wtf???

[@noonegirl]

I hate how there are all these new terms popping up that I haven't got a clue as to their meaning

[@vineythebest]

I hate every time that your videos get recommended in my feed. I feel very prayed upon and targeted rather than understood.

[@monalisa9272]

Same pinch 😢

[@garyh1572]

It's vacuuming. Hoover is a brand name.

[@Rosebud076]

2:11 But what if you're genuinely just a social person? Me, for example, I talk with my best friends nearly on a daily basis. We get on video calls frequently and go on walks together a lot. I personally just value quality time with people I care about. I love spending time with others.

[@sunsme3243]

it's reffered to insistent messages and demanding answers.

[@Rosebud076]

@@sunsme3243 Ohh ok. Sorry, that wasn't clear in the video.

[@jiimmyboi12]

But if the person you spend time with wants something more. It’s selfish to keep them around and better to cut ties at least for some time.

[@Rosebud076]

@@jiimmyboi12 So, does that mean if I have a friend that has small feelings for me or anyone in our friend group, that I have to just cut ties with them? What if a friend I have is really sensitive and would take something like that to heart?

[@jiimmyboi12]

@@Rosebud076 not really. I guess I mean if this person has told u how they felt about u and you’re still constantly seeking their friendship but nothing more.

[@frobosama4857]

asking someone how their day is going is manipulation, or asking for comfort and support when a family member or loved pet is dead or dying is also a tactic? is this for real? Some points I can perhaps see if its too much or extreme or just straight up lying, and if you've have already broken up, but those two i really dont see if your in a committed relationship... doesnt make sense

[@KaselynStar]

I agree w this. my mom passed in 2018 and my dad passed in 2019. I have narcissistic family members who just used my parents death to their benefit by using it to gain attention that they wanted from people. I don't believe this explanation was very good. if theres one thing I know about all this information online explaining different things, theres always a grey area for confusion because most details out there are not well explained. theres way more to it than what they explain and its not always the same for everyone. in my opinion, i've had to take most of this type of stuff with a grain of salt because it was honestly gaslighting my own experience, putting me back into a toxic relationship because i'd feel guilty thinking I was the one in the wrong, gaslighting my own experience, when in reality I was dealing w/ narcissistic toxic people, who thrive off of drama and controlling situations/narratives. one thing you need to know is that most toxic/narcissistic people do not question if they are the one being toxic. they may have texts to you freaking out saying this that worrying, but always remember, it is the intention behind it, it is most usually a controllll tactic. narcissistic people love to CONTROL their prey. it is never about love, or about you. it is about what they benefit by controlling you. it is always the intention behind it. I hope this helps someone.

[@deadchannelthebear4497]

This is why I broke up with my Girlfriend she Hoover's and plays with my mind leaving my angry, frustrated, and depressed.

[@sarahblunden4372]

Ex is Ex for a reason

[@freakcion1693]

So frequently contacting her, buying that gift and telling her I needed her was wrong 😢? I think "love" is a bit too complicated for me. I couldn't save us anyway.