60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 29/33 - C-PTSD Ace Test

[@thinkingallowed1st]

I feel compassion for my childhood thanks to you Tim Fletcher. My sons are un their 20s i hope i can help them undo what i have unconsciously put them through

[@macgirl1231]

TIM FLETCHER has helped the CPTSD community so very much ! He shines a guiding light on factors that shaped our reactions to things. He gives stepping stones for healing

[@SJuneau]

Tim, You truly are on the level of Gabor Matte for me. Thank you x 1 million for all of your honest and hard work. It has helped me immensely and it appears tons of others as well. You are also assisting a scapegoat (me) in helping properly raise my 2 daughters the way I missed out on. I love the mindfulness parenting I get to bring to my two girls. Thank you again!

[@ashleystevens4733]

Finally someone who understands these painful issues.👍💗🙏

[@Phoenix_Arise_J]

Scoring high/yes to the majority of the questions is difficult to digest/accept. It’s like you already know but only now you come to understand it! Very eye opening questions, thank you 🙏🏻

[@rebeccaconn389]

Very eye opening … so much of these unhealthy family dynamics were in my church and Christian school … lots of “under the radar” abuse between those institutions. Not done intentionally … but definitely done. I was so stressed out as a young 2nd grader in school (because everything was bad and a punishable offense) that I had chronic tension headaches in school and I was sick all the time.

[@kevinbissinger]

THANK YOU FOR FINALLY MAKING PLAYLISTS!!!!!!!!

[@CarrieSwanson-d4t]

I really appreciate the expanded list of questions. I would only add two more: 1) did you have a sibling who was mentally or psychologically ill to the point of being dangerous to other siblings (think 'We Have to Talk about Kevin' ill), and who dominated all your parents' attention (because the sibling was constantly e.g. setting fires, destroying the house or property of neighbors, stealing money from the parents, getting arrested for violent crimes/stealing/drug abuse, abusing and terrifying siblings and parents); and 2) Were you shamed for being (what would these days be called) being 'gender non-conforming'. This was a huge source of shame for so many of us (Mr. Fletcher had a question about whether one's parents said they wished you were a different sex. But I mean being mocked or shamed for wanting to wear certain clothing, forced to wear clothing that you didn't want to wear, mocked for wanting to play 'the wrong games' or with 'the wrong toys', having 'too deep a voice', not 'walking like a girl/boy', etc., etc.

[@reneemoore6249]

I finished my 5th step today with my sponsor. What a relief!!! I worked so hard on this. It was hard because I tried to be perfect. Turns out, it wasn't a surprise. Nothing was. I made it into such a big deal. I have such relief. Please do the work trusting God to help you. Keep going!!! You can do it!

[@boxelder9167]

Good job! It’s not necessary to do it perfectly because we go back and do the steps again and again. Each time we get a clearer understanding. It’s likely impossible for us to recall everything and we accumulate more inventory that has to be processed as time goes on.

[@slavenanikolova6260]

Please tell me how do you feel Renee during or if you have completed your Lift course. I am curious, did you have cold feet and wanting to run away, as that is what I am feeling now, not even tested the water...and if you did, how did you support yourself to stay? I am sorry for asking such a personal question...(please don't feel pressurised to answer me, I understand that this is a public place...)

[@Musika1321]

Thank you for your incredible work. The algorithms on YT really suck. Why should channels like this be forced to pay to reach more viewers when they are gifting the world with such life changing information? Rhetorical obviously.

[@suitedup2965]

Im so glad ive never had a child yet, no matter how much i gotta fight the want to have them, i dont have the trust in this world to do that to myself.

[@victorsofcircumstancesonso1606]

I got 52 yeses on the test when you were at the beach

[@kaygenio2129]

Concerning my 3 kids...adults (40's) it's too late. They're estranged from me. Trust me, the pain is almost unsurmountable.

[@kevinbissinger]

it's never too late, but that attitude of yours is probably a big part of why you're estranged. Nobody wants to be around a parent who isn't willing to put in any work to make it better, and just gives up. I'm 35 and just went no contact with my mom cause she wouldn't be honest with me about what she did. If she had tried to be honest about her role, we'd still be talking right now.

[@kaygenio2129]

@@kevinbissinger I have been open with my kids. I have let them know that I am willing to listen and am willing to accept what they have to say. However, no one has come forward. I was married to an Egyptian Christian who never thought he was wrong. He was a parallel parent until they reached adulthood. We moved contstantly. We went through 3 bankruptcies.However, he always managed to "land on his feet," you might say. When they became adults he became actively involved with the kids. The boys he took to Egypt and my daughter got a new kitchen. Now they adore him. He is so charming--seriously. According to Tim, he is also a narcissist. My experiences are different than yours. If they have something against me, they should say what it is. I can't work on what I don't know. I've spun myself in circles. Your criticism is based on your experience.

[@JT0007]

@@kaygenio2129 Calm down. Kevin is right, whether or not you want to admit it. My mom abused me and neglected me left and right as a kid, literally took a 💩 in my backyard resulting in my tenants moving out as an adult, she stole from me…and I’d bring her back in my life in an instant if she’d just be a mom to me. I don’t care what you did to your kids or how charming their dad is. Nobody can replace you unless you let them replace you. Your kids want to see you try. Checking in to see they are fine without you and you give up isn’t trying. A mom should call their kid every day for 8 years if that’s how long it takes for their kids to come around. I’ll tell you, it would take an act of congress to keep me away from my kids. I don’t care if I was in my 90s. If the pain in your heart is strong enough, you will drop your attitude and start calling/writing/visiting your kids. You won’t take no for an answer. That’s what us neglected kids want from our moms. Go win them back. Show them you won’t stop. They’ll come around. Or do what you’ve been doing and get nowhere 🤷

[@kevinbissinger]

@@kaygenio2129 If you fucked up, it's not your kids job to make things up, it's yours. YOU have to put in ALL the work if you want them back. Opening the door is just opening the door to more trauma for them, what possible incentive do they have to talk to you when they already know what to expect from you based on THEIR life experience? You have to prove consistently and over a long time that you have remorse and guilt and are putting in constant work to prove you have changed. They don't have to do shit, and they might never forgive you even if you do. But if you're not doing EVERYTHING possible to prove you're WORTH coming back to, you might as well not do anything cause it's just going to come across as though you're faking being better until they come back, like all narcissists do when they lose their supply. Prove to them consistently in your behavior toward them and others that you would bring goodness and value to their life and even if they don't forgive you, you don't have to live with guilt because at least you know you tried until the end If you really do care about your kids and want them in your life at least.

[@kevinbissinger]

@@kaygenio2129 The fact that you say "i cant fix what i dont know" is pretty damning though. Sounds like you're of the opinion that you're perfect and it's just problems THEY have with you so it's not your fault if they're upset. You would do much better if you stop trying to always justify your behavior to yourself and own your mistakes, don't excuse them or blame other people for the place you're in. Go to therapy for a few years, they'll be able to help you identify what you need to work on. Don't put fixing your personality on your kids

[@LeonadoMusic]

Would ask you to consider questions about the witchcraft the occult and new age etc etc

[@ketherwhale6126]

What about gaslighting on a regular basis and other forms of narcissistically abused aka denial of your reality and inability to trust your intuition. Is there a point if there’s a yes for a), b), c) etc.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

It was covered in the video. The question was whether the parent made it all about themselves. In a way, that's what gaslighting is, the other person/the narcissist making it all about themselves.

[@tmosest]

I’m really surprised these videos don’t have more views, likes, comments, etc…

[@SandravanEden]

Hi Tim, really useful and inciteful, thank you. Research shows that for children growing up in homes where an adult struggles with mental health issues, the consequence can be PTSD. If you ever rewrite your own list, this could be a useful addition.

[@funfish73]

Thank you for including "lived with a sibling with a chronic illness."

[@gregoryburne5251]

Boarding school from ages13-18 was traumatic and abusive, especially the first 2 years. Please can you compile a test for that period. It was the most traumatic time of my life re bullying by older boys.

[@boxelder9167]

You had trauma. You don’t need a test to tell you that. Now the journey can start to get to the core of your false beliefs and search for the truth. The lies feel true. The truth is going to feel uncomfortable at first but it will bring relief.

[@gregoryburne5251]

@@boxelder9167 Thanks for the reply. 👍

[@boxelder9167]

@@gregoryburne5251 - If you get stuck then shoot me a question. I have had a long struggle with trauma and have found lots of good tools that work. It’s not really the trauma that impacts us as it’s the shattering of our belief system that does the real damage. Trauma makes negative beliefs grow deep roots. Kill the roots and you can kill the impact of the trauma.

[@madeleinehermes6837]

I had 7/10 the first 10. Still second guessing myself i went through it all and got 47/68(yes) and i still am second guessing it. I believe it while not believing other will believe me. It feels like cognitive dissonance maybe.

[@amyridley3926]

I have a very low Aces score but at least one of my parents has a very high Aces score. Their only addiction issues were relational.... I'm curious about those raised by parents with Trauma.

[@Enlight-the-burbs]

So, the first 10 question I did years ago and was told my childhood was fine .. this left me thinking I was fucked and left me gaslit.. more recently I was presented the same questionnaire .. and this time I had enough about me to know that a 4 year old with clean clothes because she had washed them might be a 🚩… I definitely have complex trauma … but the first 10 will have you saying no you don’t …

[@carolynmurphy3697]

Holotropic Breathwork is supposed to be great for tapping into deep feelings that can be released from a cellular level to help with healing us to move through our pain

[@danm8004]

Can you explain the cellular mechanism? Using vocabulary from actual sciences to justify new age practices harms the credibility of both.

[@ketherwhale6126]

I guess I’m guilty too for bringing up my problems after a divorce to my then 15 year old and bring up conspiracy theories at their 17th year. I hope I didn’t affect him with that.

[@boxelder9167]

I let my son know the things that I did wrong and owned that. I asked him for forgiveness. It’s really made a difference in his life because he’s not having to deal with the same hang ups I did. My parents never apologized and they are dead now.

[@kevinbissinger]

Instead of hoping, apologize for it and see what response you get

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

Aside from sexual and physical abuse, I had a lot of these growing up.

[@montserratmartinez3044]

Wonderful, please in spanish!

[@zurc_bot]

Mine just didn't care. being a katch key kid is a good thing! it builds character my dad said lol

[@michaelgarrow3239]

Some of these questions contradict themselves, or each other

[@samrye1510]

How do I find the first test?

[@boxelder9167]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/kIW1cnaYoNV5qLs

[@armaaliale]

8/10 😖

[@thinkingallowed1st]

I was an oops. The dr said i should have been aborted. I was meant to be a boy. I brought about depression they never got over. Being quiet and not asking meant i was a good girl.... thank you for your explanations here

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

I scored 46. Don't even know how to put this together.

[@cesardeleonfranco8917]

54 yes 6 NO MY GOD

[@waynewells1958]

No about 80 percent I thought is just automatic in growing up. But that is not God's will for me that's man's world of others who have spiritual illness as well

[@anabltc]

Wait, these are all truly important issues but then "you had to wear hand-me-downs"? Every kid wears hand-me-downs, esp when they're toddlers and grow very quickly. Who buys new stuff for every kid? that's insane

[@rebeccaconn389]

I’ve heard it explained this way … if all you had were hand me downs it can still bring up feelings of shame or inferiority based on the fact that you didn’t have “cool clothes” or it could have brought teasing and feelings of shame of being poor and less than. It doesn’t matter if the situation was common or unintentionally harmful … what matters to the child’s brain is if it “registered” as making them feel shameful of an outcast. Children can’t think rationally … they only respond to what is happening to them. It would not be the parents fault … but this is one of those shame/ trauma issues that is just part of life … we still need to deal with them if they have caused us to behave in a negative way. Hope that explains it.

[@anabltc]

@@rebeccaconn389 yes I get it now, tnx. There has to be a balance I guess 🤔 On one side, you don't want yr kid to suffer shaming, on the other, you don't want them to give in to the pressure, you don't want to raise them that way. (And it's expensive and stupid)

[@Crazydoglady.]

dude.. lol 😆 this is everyone

[@kevinbissinger]

it's really not. 60% of people don't have any of these. If you think it's normal, ask yourself why you think that, and do you use that concept to minimalize people's suffering as "everybody deals with that, get over it" kind of stuff?

[@rabbitcreative]

> this is everyone [complex-trauma] I suspect it's well above 50%. Look at all the crazy stuff going on in the world. That crap had to start somewhere. I think the 'root' issues are far deeper than anything Tim Fletcher goes into...

[@MissiJade]

9/10 for myself. That explains a lot and why I have behaved how I have for so many years. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD I did not feel deserving of the diagnosis because I always felt that people had it worse than me. I now know how to work on myself because my mission in life is to help others by using my gift to give of free art classes. It is going to take a while but I am going to use my tenacity to get there. Sending everyone so much healing energy ❤️‍🩹

[@YewrinePish]

52! Do I win?