60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 12/33 - Control Issues

[@tonimargot]

I realized through this video that there are control issues where you want to have control, but also control issues where you were bound to other control freaks for way too long and now hate being controlled by others and so you can "do things your own way" out of avoidance of those triggers.

[@carolinakrivu8877]

And then the cycle continues, the snake keeps eating his own tail.

[@shadowfax9177]

Thank you for including the biblical part in these talks. I always see people complaining about it, but no one thanks you. I really appreciate it.

[@nevadatan7323]

Admittedly I haven't yet seen every video, but I havent actually seen people complaining. I think even the non religious people have been really respectful of it, probably because of the way its presented and the value that Mr Fletcher brings to us regardless. Its never rammed down our throats. Its not something that connects with me personally, But I do occasionally listen to the religious section of it because I think it's sweet (said genuinely, not trying to be patronising here) how he wants to share his beliefs and its obviously done wonders for him. Im not at all offended by any of it. I still recommend all his videos to my friends looking for help. If they find the religious segment too much of a hurdle to bypass then it kind of sounds like their problem... its truly their loss when there's so much good here.

[@monalisassmile7364]

I'm glad you are back. Thank you for your videos. The more I learn about my trauma the more empowered I feel. The more empowered I feel the better choices I make for my self and my family

[@catherinewilson1079]

I knew I was a control freak; I didn’t know why and I also didn’t realize how close/identical it is to being a narcissist. Gonna have to work on that!

[@rubberbiscuit99]

This talk has a lot of layers to it.

[@hearme4581]

Crazy thing is I had very loose boundaries, experienced a lot of trauma and became a control freak. I hate being this way.

[@lesleyguyton3355]

U not alone with that 🌹

[@DA_4568]

I hit on a lot of those, but I don’t do it to manipulate/gain power over others. I do it to people-please; to avoid the pain of being rejected or disapproval. Worked great back then! Very maladaptive in my adult life now… Takes a lot of work to undo or re-wire these habits.

[@Slangh]

Same here... How do you go about rewiring those habits?

[@DA_4568]

​@@Slangh Each issue will have a different approach for each person, but I'll use example cc) from the video (16:37). I'll lay out the general *principles* that I personally use, regardless of the issue. However, keep in mind that each of these principles have taken a lot of time, education, and practice to learn (look how many videos Fletcher has on Complex Trauma alone..) So yeah, a lot of stuff, which means YMMV. First, *awareness* - notice the patterns for how long it takes you, and how it feels (shame? anger?) to ask for help. Second, *re-conceptualize* what it means to ask for help - you are not worthless person if you couldn't figure it out on your own. You have to actually believe this, which means you also need to believe that you deserve to exist and to be treated as a flawed human, just as everyone else does - not a perfect alien/robot. Third, *meditate on/identify* the root of that response - how far back can you remember behaving in that manner? In what other areas of life did/does this behavior appear? When you're only rewarded for meeting exceptionally high standards, when anything less is considered "misbehaving" or results in rejection, and when your family and/or culture says "if you reveal that you don't know something, people will think you're stupid", it becomes very reasonable to develop difficulty reaching out for help. Fourth, *redirect/rewire* - respect that there are different situations where asking for help after a certain amount of time has passed, or doing so a certain number of times or in certain ways will either be helpful, hurtful, or inconsequential. If I'm new at my job, for example, I'll check 2 main resources for answers before I ask for help. But if the task is urgent, I'll ask for help immediately each time I get stuck. Asking for help when I feel I’m expected to know it already and perform is when things get challenging. Fifth, *patience* - this is essentially a life-long habit you're changing. You WILL fall short. You WILL get frustrated with yourself. Trust the growth process and be internally vigilant against rationalizations and emotions that persuade you to give up. Here’s some helpful KZbin channels/personalities that have helped me: Jordan Peterson, healthygamer.gg, Diary of a CEO and The School of Greatness. Psych2Go is a good primer/refresher.

[@lunarose9042]

People-pleasing is manipulation.

[@DA_4568]

@@lunarose9042 would you like to elaborate? Part of my definition of manipulation is something you do with intention and at the other party’s expense. I’m not saying that it can’t be used as a form of manipulation - it can; but what I’m describing in my experience of people-pleasing is an automatic reaction without any premeditation, often without awareness, and certainly at pleaser’s expense.

[@Lynn-nx6ue]

@@DA_4568 Can you explain how controlling people was also for you people pleasing?

[@AboveItAllDroneShots]

So glad you spoke about the tree. I have been laboring over this because I think it is a root of what we experience today and all of history. I see a bit more in it than you spoke about. I am seeing a judgement that it gave Adam and Eve, their own judgement apart from God's judgement. The clue was where they were naked and unashamed just prior to chapter 3 and directly after they judged themselves differently, naked and ashamed. This was an identity issue, shamed based on their actions that were bad, verses their identity prior to the fall, they were good. God made all things and called them good. The tree therefore caused them to develop a disconnection from God speaking their inherit identity and now they have a shamed based identity. I just want to say, Your talks have helped me more than any other individual on earth! I appreciate you and your ministry. Thank you and God bless you!

[@hman9581]

42:00 - The metaphor of "the tree of knowledge of good and evil" e.g the tree that gains you power and wisdom.

[@Neptuneman07]

Dealt with people like this throughout my life. Thank you for Preaching the truth at the end of the lecture. Spot on balance between Theology and Psychology.

[@Kathyyyyy123]

You are changing my life!

[@AllIn1Studio]

It is a godsend. He has worked so hard to couch this brain reflex condition that gives us deep understanding, the subsequent ability to cope, regulate and ultimately heal! There are layers and layers to uncover I am noticing in my own recovery journey! ,

[@AllIn1Studio]

Tim is an absolute godsend. He has worked so hard to couch this brain reflex condition in such a way that gives us deep self-understanding, the subsequent ability to cope, regulate and ultimately heal! There are layers and layers to uncover I am noticing on this, my own recovery journey! Thank you.

[@jenniferkincaid]

I feel that the use of labels like “freak”, manipulator” etc is counterproductive. Many people with narcissistic traits have no idea that what they are doing is controlling or manipulative. I respect your work and I am being helped by it. I feel it could be made more inclusive by putting an arms length between the harmful behavior and the actual person. Narcissistic traits are survival adaptations. They don’t always look like would be expected, especially to those persons with narcissistic traits. Softening the language would probably help people to self identify, especially if their traits are more vulnerable then grandiose. I know this was certainly true in my case. Tim, thank you for all of the time and effort you put into these lectures. And thank you also so much for making a clear separation between the material and biblical aspect. I would not have been able to sit through a single one had it all been biblically based.

[@jenniferkincaid]

Also, I was only able to self identify as a person with CPTSD and narcissistic traits via descriptions of the symptoms by narcissism mental health professionals adding so much nuance to the profile. I hope in the future there can be a great deal added to empathy regarding narcissistic traits and their source, as well as the myriad ways that they can manifest outwardly… And more illumination regarding how they feel internally. I would’ve never labeled myself with NPD had I not watched literally dozens of hours of personality disorder videos. I’ve had 15 years of therapy and asked many therapists if I was the narcissist and they all said, “no. “Narcissists do not come to therapy.”I for one, know that they do… Because I did. I wish I had known 30 years ago what I know now. That I have a personality disorder that arose from early childhood and while there is no cure, it can be treated. The mental health field has so far to go before they properly diagnose and treat those with personality disorders.

[@manyBlessings2all]

Hi Jennifer, thank you very much for your perceptive & open comments here, much appreciated & helpful. Best wishes for healthy happiness 🎉❤

[@milliewoo337]

I like what you said about narcissism being a survival adaptation. I’ve been really hard on myself because I hated my narcissistic parent that molded me, and classified all people with narcissistic traits as dangerous and (deep inside, believed they were) evil, broken beyond repair forever. After his video of codependency, describing anyone in a relationship with a narcissist as a co-narcissist, I see myself in a new light. Bringing humanity back into narcissistic people for me. It’s hard but, the truth can often be. It just helps to talk about it and hear people like you talk about it in this forum, too. Community makes a world of difference

[@ShekinaS]

He's not very good with the biblical stuff, not applying the correct interpretation.

[@JaneHobby-zm3fg]

Yes the term FREAK is very ofd putting. Especially if you grew up with that label all thru childhood then as an adult because you don't fit in. Truly, please have videos without the derogatory terms and to use it umpteen times. Live the information he shares but this was harder to sir theu without the old wounds being triggered. FREAK screamed louder than the message itself

[@kindheart_peacefulmind]

9/48 presently - 15 years ago i was probably closer to 25+ 😅 happy to realize my growth, but still working on 9 of these traits 💗 thank you for this video!

[@ladylucy9]

I just love your videos and all the información I learn to know me and understand others in a better way.

[@barrykulmom]

This one was hard to watch. So many of the 48 I got from having to be in control over siblings or chores. Didn’t even see that I was still doing many of them. Going to be work to change but I believe that I can.

[@endureross7431]

Less than five mins in n I had the urge to cry...this is gonna b a rough self check

[@Lion-1.]

Excellent video 👍 I’ll be listening to it again.

[@eilenemarshall832]

Thanks

[@foxiefair123]

I’m a control freak over myself. I can’t even meet my own expectations for myself, so I definitely don’t need to try to control others. 😂 I am not hard on other people like I am on myself. I like to see other people feel happy and accepting of themselves. The rules for me are very different. The only person that is allowed to control me is my creator.

[@mychelequach2234]

Thank you Mr Tim Fletcher ❤ Your videos are so helpful

[@mariehelenebourlet]

My late companion was a total control freak, but since I had always looked for a Dad/Husband, I accepted this situation. For the first time in my life , after two failed marriages, I finally found someone who was willing to surround me with attention, who taught me lots of things - he was a brilliant, charismatic man- who needed me all the time at his side, in a nutshell what I had always desired. The only problem was that he was a compulsive seducer, and I suffered from an inferiority complex - because of my father's attitude- so I was always anxious . But we couldn't part - I left him twice when too much was too much- yet we ended up coming back together. We had 6 years of total passion before he died of a heart attack. He left me with serenity, as strange as it may seem. Well this is my story for what it's worth. Thank you for your advice.

[@UnapologeticGen]

thank you

[@angelal7733]

This is so enlightening & helpful. Thank you so much. 🙏🏼💜

[@ilovesamyo]

Haha I have CPTSD and I’m married to a control freak. It took ten years to finally work out all the things you mentioned accurately in this video. Wish i saw this a decade earlier. Would have saved A LOT of dangerous situations

[@cordilajochim]

This is so valuable.

[@cybercab]

Glad you’re back already even in your new place!

[@Oceansoul22]

Thank you so much! Needed to hear this. And I'm loving the Cristhian part, always❤

[@stufen11]

This is amazing. You have described the core doctrine of the Alphabet radicals

[@rabbitcreative]

> Alphabet radicals That works for both groups... FBI, CIA, Google (literally called Alphabet), etc., and the LGBBQSAUCE I assumed you meant.

[@neha24c]

Incredible.

[@Ali76564]

Thank u

[@truthministry7462]

Powerful

[@shelteredsparrow2736]

Great video

[@ildikovisolit2014]

Yes there is a trust component and the only control I practice now after a life time of trauma is what others try to do to me or to my life. I don’t manipulate or force others to do as I say

[@jaki878]

Please dr. English subtitle is highly needed.

[@jaki878]

Thanks for you! 🌹❤

[@jaki878]

Dr. would you mind point out to addiction of childhood depression and sadness because of having Complex Complex-PTSD due to narcissistic parenting and the effects of these types of childhood depression and sadness in adults and the feelings in adults. Thank you so much from deep of my heart. 👍❤🌹

[@cledosliop4175]

My controlling tendency comes from my working experiences. I hate to manipulate others or to control them to work for me but when it comes to the workplace, you often have no choice but to do so only to meet your KPI or whatever. That’s what I found exhausting and anti-my inner self.

[@bachopinbee5991]

The first 6 minutes were just me, l almost cried

[@sharvanders6888]

Team Change 🤸🏼‍♀️

[@jaki878]

Dr. would you mind point out to addiction of childhood depression and sadness because of having Complex Complex-PTSD due to narcissistic parenting and the effects of these types of childhood depression and sadness in adults and the feelings in adults. Thank you so much from deep of my heart. 👍❤🌹

[@jaki878]

Thank you so much dr. as well as I discover this recently through spiritual awakening and meditation, and going through spiritual conscious meditation or courses, it is due to self-esteem from childhood, and feelings of shame from childhood.... Thanks for you again dr your efforts are highly appreciated

[@brittmatchett5359]

This describes my ex to a T ! Thank you Tim for your in depth explanations of these personality disorders extremely helpful !

[@hman9581]

29:00 - dealing with a control freak.

[@douglasdelay]

Look up the Sedona method ❤

[@Meandyou-b7e]

Thanks for sharing that

[@neferzoe]

Oh yes I must run it all.

[@leicalove9384]

Uhh this is gold ❤

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Your explanation gives a extra insight . Much appreciated

[@robertafierro5592]

Control is born from fear.

[@ckvarnmass]

I somewhat disagree in this. I am one who has overcome others messing up my life to bring me down. I am really good at organizing and keeping peace in my life and others feel it and sense it when in my home. They will say how peaceful it is. It is only so because I control and keep others from destroying that.

[@lunarose9042]

Context is key, these symptons can be symptons of other things. It doesn't make them incorrect, the context of these symptons is key for knowing what is what.

[@FixedFace]

10:50 veiled input

[@FijiMatic]

My niece told me I was being bossy/controlling and it hurt but I was controlling house for Thanksgiving dinner.

[@FijiMatic]

I was just happy to see my brother walking after he was shot 7x in February. He had a new wife he married in prison and she had kids previously by someone else and I just wanted them to feel comfortable cause my brother also got out of prison 1 year prior to him being shot. So he was mainly at home and back and forth to the doctor. So when thanksgiving came I senses my nieces felt my anxiety and called it bossy.

[@eternitisRequiem]

My dad was like this, and I can genuinely say they are EVIL. They may feel they have to behave this way in order to survive, but it is the purest form of evil I have ever witnessed

[@sierraparsons5613]

In the future can you not refer to us as control freaks? I have control issues. It feels like an attack sorta.

[@neorev01]

Im watching this so i can understand my wife, I hope.

[@neorev01]

@77ranko peoples responses say a lot about themselves

[@Musician_Robert]

My control freak side doesn’t like others trying to control me.

[@azn_persuasion]

All of the control freak characteristics describe my textbook narcissist mother to a T. I used to sneak out all of the time as a teenager. Strict parents create sneaky kids.

[@EvolvingBombshell]

Theology + psychology >>>

[@K777angel]

I know I have control issues but this made me doubt it.

[@melissalovelady5459]

ON THE CONTROL ISSUES LIST: WHAT IF YOU ONLY SEE THESE SYMPTOMS WITHIN THE ONE INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, NOT ANYWHERE ELSE IN YOUR LIFE?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

[@jshelley4592]

I'm a failure. I have made so many mistakes. I'm sorry for all wrong things I've done. I've made lots of wrong choices. I feel like I'm having a breakdown tonight. I cant face going to work. All this pain inside is coming out. I wish i was OK but I'm not. 😢 i think I'm going to lose my job. I'm such a failure. All i want to do is rock back and forth. 😢 this is so bad . My emotions are all out of control. Im so scared inside. 😢 wow this is bad. My emotions are all out of wack.

[@emilygreene6779]

I hope you are doing ok. Please look up your local hotline or other resources in your area to find someone to talk to if you feel you are at a breaking point. Sending hugs!

[@jshelley4592]

It was so trendiously hard to pull myself back up. My sister in law screamed at me to go to work in the yard, which I did. I'm nothing if I don't work. It's always about work.

[@rafeeqwarfield9690]

@@jshelley4592seek therapy

[@NarrelleChain]

2 npd sisters, one is blocked, the other hardly rings, I hardly ring, I stay away from both, both very abusive, incredibly abusive, mostly, I don't have any control much, because I have looked at my reactions and examined myself, I thought I wasn't good enough, working on shame!❤❤😂😂😂!

[@tikki9629]

Repeating "freak" was a little off putting and hurtful to those who really want to change and are aware of their controlling behaviors.

[@joannelewis3390]

I had a few

[@Merzui-kg8ds]

I do have a concern about the suggestion that "that was true when you were a child, but not now". There seems to be an assumption that adults magically drop into a supportive environment. I don't know where that assumption comes from.

[@hoobeshoobes]

I think it’s because as an adult we are not as powerless, so not so much an assumption about our current environment but one about our ability to cope differently now.

[@sll110]

very good ,but too late to know

[@susie5254]

I agree, but I think the validation and confirmation help you in the healing process.

[@AllIn1Studio]

I am in my late 60s and I am grateful I know why I behaved the way I did all my life with such internal struggles and hidden emotional pain that would manifest in illness. I am super grateful to have the knowledge at this stage in my life than to have continued see-sawing between sedatives and stimulants and extreme mood swings. Who needs free-floating anxiety?! Better late than never I say!!

[@sll110]

@@AllIn1Studio so true! you have wonderful soul

[@AllIn1Studio]

Thank you Mark 🧡🙏🧡

[@slavenanikolova6260]

It's never too late to get healthier...

[@ildikovisolit2014]

I have experienced a lot of trauma but I overcame a lot of it when I started my own family. I was happy as a Mum. The trauma of loosing contact with my children created a trauma that I have a hard time to recover from. I think I learned to cope with trauma from a very early age and somehow my friends and kids kept me strong and substance use kept me level headed most of my life. I’m not a narcissist cause my trauma was medicated with opiates and kept me sane I think

[@TheHeinrichSymposium]

Op-iates are the perfect medication to keep a lid on one's dysfunctional emotions, but sooner or later you are going to run out and Pandora's box opens up. same goes for sleeping tablets used to get through a night of emerging traumatic memories. They provide a cover of unconscious relief for only so long before one has to stop, then the haunted house movie is playing tonight. There is no cure except through a total dis-identification with the mind. In for a penny and all that. There are no half measures, The ego itself is the mental illness.

[@brennanleyen]

I am a super freak unfortunately! I will have to repent and remedy this

[@nogurusmind]

Control: kzbin.infooiY7Tp14-78?feature=share

[@Minakshivlogs85]

I got 46/48

[@jeanetjensen6474]

Good sound, im in need of control, we are all broken. We are a broken spices, and we know we are going to die,

[@n.e.w.3747]

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[@n.e.w.3747]

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[@n.e.w.3747]

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[@n.e.w.3747]

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[@n.e.w.3747]

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[@caitlinbyrne9601]

There are some women who are 'control freaks'. Even to those extreme areas, unfortunately. 😢😫😒😔😌.

[@analozada9475]

My question is…if someone had a great childhood, yet, still become control freaks and manipulators, why is that?

[@endriandri7914]

This could be due to having a controlling parent but I'm not a specialist.

[@zaram131]

I have the Same question!

[@endureross7431]

Spoiled maybe.... determine that everything will always work out for them. Like a bratty kid "I want what I want!"

[@analozada9475]

@@endureross7431 It could be a possibility. Thanks for your feedback!

[@helpfulbitsandentertainment]

Maybe their "great" childhood isn't as great as you think it is.

[@seanrendall5495]

I think you've truncated the message of Genesis 3 to shoehorn it into this topic

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Highly narc traits

[@marysmail8994]

I just don't trust things to be OK in any situation

[@dominiquescott2243]

😮😮

[@lizparenzan4761]

The sin of slavery example is not exclusive to white people.

[@Lancair70]

Why do you repeateadly say HE has control issues. HE is the control freak??? Its so one sided I almost tuned out completely.

[@L5biszz]

The religious part of your talks really makes the message less universal. But thank you.

[@shadowfax9177]

That is why he separates it into two sections. There are many who benefit from the spiritual part. So let's not take it out for others just because you think ill of it.

[@a.acquah4187]

Well said @shadowfax9177