#62 "How Do I Stop Being Self-Destructive?"

[@nisafinnegan]

*Timestamps:* 1) Hi Kati, I'm 22 years old and have a rare genetic disease that is causing my body to fail. I've been sick since I was a baby. My digestive tract is paralysed so i have been tube fed for 3 years, with one tube going into my small intestine to give me nutrition, water, and medication, and another tube into my stomach to drain out the... 2:32 2) Hi Kati! I would love to hear your thoughts on why therapists are so stubborn that their way of being a therapist is the only right way? For instance, I was watching another therapist here on youtube (don’t worry, I like your channel better) who was absolutely horrified, that a therapist in a tv show hugged a client at the end of a session, because she thinks there can be NO TOUCHING in the therapeutic relationship... 14:19 3) Hey Kati, I've been in therapy for about 2,5 years and starting to finally feel like life is good and my brain doesn't spin off all the time (working on allowing myself to feel 'good' ) But I'm still struggling with my thoughts. They run so fast, trying to 'stop stop stop' them is like throwing a stop sign onto a highway... 23:43 4) Hi Kati, Happy thursday! I'm just wondering if you could talk a little bit about being self-destructive and what that means in relation to our mental health. I always hear the word being ‘thrown around’ and I'm just wondering if you could explain... 32:30 5) Hi Kati it been three months since I first asked this and I would really like an answer but I never get enough likes is it normal to put yourself aside and want to help others especially after a death of a loved one my (step) sister passed away last... 39:40 6) I have a question related to sexual trauma. Is it also called sexual abuse if it is done by someone you love and they didn't mean it badly or sexually? I had a parent who was very open about sexuality and wanted to break the taboo that... 44:57 7) I’m embarrassed about asking these questions so I hope no one I know sees them! I had an emotionally unavailable mother growing up, when I was 16 I opened up to her about my male and female cousins sexually assaulting me on different occasions. I can’t seem to remember much about what her initial reaction was, but I remember she basically said I should let it go and I’ll feel better. Never again did I talk to her about anything, I suffered with depression, eating disorder, self harm, traumatic experiences, and suicidal thoughts for years! I’m now 23, and have come to a realization that throughout my life I have yearned for attention, affection, and love from older women who I tend to attract. These older women have been... 49:46 8) I’ve struggled with body image for five years. I was never fat or anything, other people actually liked my figure, but I just wanted to be skinny. I was eating really healthy and exercised moderately, but still I wasn’t skinny enough so one day I... 59:18 9) Hi Kati. In your last episode with Cheryl Burke you talked about grooming and I was wondering if you could talk a bit more about the subject, including ways to heal if you've been groomed, especially if the situation with the abuser was better than with... 1:03:50

[@raywood8187]

Thank you Nisa. This is so helpful when I want to go back later and rewatch a particular question and answer!

[@oliviagiles]

The first question was devastating, so much to think about.

[@ababy6074]

I'm thinking, what is the name of this disorder? I have never heard of such a thing.

[@raywood8187]

What I like so much about you as a therapist Kati, is that you're so thoughtful and considerate and always open to challenges to your views on counseling and techniques. I had a therapist who too often just says 'here, have a pamphlet' and didn't seem to want to go into any depth. It just seemed lazy to me. I know there may be appropriate times when these are helpful or there are legal considerations where you have to hand something out. But mostly it would be to me like the pharma "cure your depression" brochures I see at the doctor's office, just a shiny coin distraction from getting real therapy while taking meds.

[@lunaroserowanstrength2046]

the first question was very insightful. my son has CP and they keep wanting him to have more and more surgeries and changing plans. This listener is going through so much. i am sending that listener so much love.

[@GamingRealmOfTheGods]

I appreciate you Katie so much.

[@lisasnoozy3749]

These were really great questions this week and really great answers! I'm going to have to watch it again because there was so much new information to me I hadn't thought about. My therapist told me today she is reading the book The body keeps the score. I have conversion disorder along with numerous other chronic physical and mental illnesses, and she asked if she could order me a copy. I told her I'd heard about it from you. Thanks for doing these videos, you are so loved and appreciated Kati! Have a great move!! 😊

[@jodicanova-moore5267]

Thank you Kati for all of the practical & professional advice you provide to your listeners ❤ 😊. You have answered many of my questions just by me listening to other people’s questions. Is this where I can ask a short question…? If not, let me know & I will redirect it to the proper area. This would be my 1st time asking a question….I’ll go back to the beginning of one of your podcasts to see how to ask correctly. You are a wonderful & great source of advice & information !!!🎉

[@jeessssss]

To Katie's point about support groups at minute 12ish, a great one for chronic illness specifically is Beyond My Battle, they have groups for illness/disability, as well as one for caretakers. Happy Thursday and sending light and love to you all!

[@PH34RB]

I just finished binge-listening to the AKA catalogue, missed it, and now this comes out on my birthday :D Thanks for everything, I can hardly express how grateful I am for how you've helped in overcoming the aftershocks of CPTSD creeping through my TBI (and then burn-out) recovery these past months. I keep learning, impressing my therapist and climbing back up. Big love from French Canada, the best Canada ;)

[@PH34RB]

PS: English isn't my first language, therefore it is impeccable.

[@julissaparra1638]

Thanks a million!!! Your response to my question was really assuring and an eye opener to what I had considered I may have but couldn’t come to terms with admitting it. You even stated some facts I didn’t mention in the original question/s. So thank you for doing what you do. So very appreciative! ♥️

[@abibaker73]

I am so glad that Kati answered your question 🙂

[@julissaparra1638]

@@abibaker73 me too! It was very helpful too. (:

[@emilyjane6252]

Thank you, for making this video and talking about hard things. It is a good self-reflections for myself. I am a recovering eating disorder patient and it is good to remind myself my triggers. If I am self-destructive or not. So thank you, Kati Morton. :D

[@pinkcupcakes7]

The best part of a Thursday!🥳

[@jodicanova-moore5267]

Thanks!

[@nikkidazz]

I really enjoyed listening to this one! Thank you Kati! 🧡

[@ggishallou]

Thank you so much, Kati! You answered the questions I needed to hear this week.

[@SusieQ78]

Yes, going with the 1st question/answer.. support groups have been a life changer for me!!

[@SusieQ78]

Side note... Hope4Recovery offers an excellent 8 week grief course followed with a monthly support group. And it’s at no charge.

[@cindyperez1085]

Exceptional video and content. Thank you so much!

[@christym.6529]

Thanks Kati! Always great questions & answers. Where is the anxiety workbook that you spoke about?

[@abby4027]

Comment about question 7: I think it’s important to realize that people in our lives can give similar characteristics of a mom or a sister etc. I’m a 25 year old and my best friend is 73. She worked at my school( not a teacher) and we bonded and have built a friendship. It’s really important to remember while they maybe be a mom or a sister, they are NOT OUR mom or sister.

[@rebeccas8054]

Great as always, Kait!

[@alshimasalah1813]

great podcast

[@nikkihernandez5751]

Thank you for doing the video I hope you have safe travels to TX!

[@NiinaSKlove]

Super video! I applauded for NOK 100.00 👏👏👏

[@LivFP]

I'd REALLY love to learn more about grooming because it's something very relevant to me

[@dmtirino]

I believe one of your best. stay well

[@conniehuynh5531]

Hi Kati! I really appreciate everything you do. I just wanted to bring up another perspective on Eating In The Light Of The Moon. I borrowed it from the library after you suggested it in another video and I only got about half way through it before I quit. I stopped reading it because of how the author speaks of womanhood in an essentialist way, where being a woman is inherent to all these other things. As a queer person I found this really difficult because gender isn’t just one way and not all women bleed or are assigned female at birth. I really wanted to like this book, but I couldn’t finish it. When you suggest it in future videos will you put a caveat about that? I think it could be hurtful to hear to some people.

[@eloisemarie5219]

So great Kati

[@natmickan]

To the person who asked Question 3 (or anyone who relates to that inability to ever slow thoughts down, or to get those thoughts/words out etc. to the point where you can’t talk), it may be worth talking to your doctor about getting assessed for ADHD and autism. Racing thoughts can come from a variety of sources inc.using anxiety, but they can also be symptomatic of ADHD & autistic shutdown. If you’ve been doing therapy for years and those issues remained whilst mental health issues resolved, that could be another indicator. Neurodiversity isn’t on a lot of psychologists/therapists etc.’s radars as something they specifically look for when there are bigger mental health issues at play, and once those issues resolve they generally know us well enough that they’re not looking for diagnostic criteria etc. in our behaviour. Obviously there are many other symptoms that go along with these conditions, but it may be worth looking into.

[@ayses3851]

Happy Thursday Kati and everyone!!

[@nataliehilton2661]

This was good like always you guys are all awesome and ask great questions and kati is great thank you

[@TitaEmerick]

Hi, I just love your videos, thank you so much! I wish you would talk about how to let myself feel? This is scaring for me, I always distract myself, sometimes with school (I am in Med school, so LOTS of distraction there) and sometimes with self destructive behaviours, but I don't feel like it's safe for me to let myself feel, for instance, I don't cry, it's been years since the last time I did. And being distracted all the time is bad cause sometimes I feel I'll explode and that's when self destruction comes in (like SH). I am diagnosed with PTSD from sexual abuse as a child and I am starting to wonder if I also have silent borderline. Anyway, how do I let myself feel and stay with my feelings? I've tried journaling but it makes me feel more confused than anything, I honestly don't understand or always know what I am thinking or feeling and it's hard to write if I can't even 'listen' to myself, does that makes sense? Also, I think the reason that I am so afraid of my feelings is because I always struggled with suicide thoughts (since I was 11) so, growing up I was really afraid of letting myself think or feel 'cause then I would 'go' to these dark places in my mind, and I didn't want to. And I am not afraid of that anymore, I still struggled with suicide thoughts but today I honestly think I'll never do it. But I am still afraid to feel or letting myself feel. Thanks for being this amazing person, I hope you'll see this.

[@TitaEmerick]

BTW, I am Brazilian, so English is not my first language. Thanks

[@crystalrichardson2860]

Brainspotting is amazing! I didn't find EMDR to be very effective because I dissociate often even processing my past trauma. My current therapist is certified in brainspotting and uses it instead of EMDR. I recently used it with inner child work and found exponential healing! I highly recommend it.

[@robertamagnafici3001]

Hi, Kati Does that mean if we are a self-destructive person that we are also manipulative? I do not understand when people think I am only out to get attention when i would rather be left alone until I am ready.

[@danieldini8685]

19:45 that reminds me of a tweet i saw a couple days ago where the person hugged their therapist and the therapist texted them saying “don’t ever do that again”

[@harishkumarthangavel5350]

Happy new video on thursday ❤️

[@Deimnos]

" you seem fine to me / I don't see you having issues" yeah, some parents do say that , like my dad when he told me that " I do not believe in these states you say you are in" when i told him about being depressed, but that also might be a special case, considerign he's narcissistic so it comes with the territory i guess.

[@meownow333]

The person who wrote the 1st question should consider looking into death doulas. They help dying people and their loved ones navigate the technical and emotional aspects of dying. I hope the person who wrote the 1st question can find joy and comfort in the days they have left. 💓

[@dreshany1345]

I missed it but I believe it starts with self love

[@miki7899]

Hey Kati, I hope you might read this and give me an answer. I'm on disability with CPTSD and bipolar and have been secluded for some time now. I'm trying to get out and meet people but 1 of the first 3 questions I'm asked is "so what do you do". I NEVER know how to answer this and dont want to lie. If I say I'm disabled I've found people will ask why. I dont have a job so theres just no good answer to that question without it being awkward and still not having an answer. Can someone please help me with this????

[@munchinghamster902]

How much do you feel comfortable with to disclose? Would it be easier to start with something like "I aspire to be..."? Or just being frank, since you do not owe people an answer, to say something like "This is a tough questions to answer, but I'll come back to it later"? Might be helpful to find a therapist or counselor to discuss it, it does sound challenging.

[@saramedlin3343]

Hi Kati I'm bulimic and trying to stop but really struggling I don't know how to stop purging how do I stop?

[@hannalowercase5928]

i hope you're feeling better

[@popcorn43]

Are boundaries taught in psychology courses?

[@DrummerGrrrl]

In training to become a psychotherapist, yes.

[@NidusFormicarum]

When it comes to different opinions don't forget that there are thousands of ways to interpret words. No two patients will interpret the samre words from a therapist in exactly the same way. I would NEVER hug a therapist! It feels way too close. I am not afraid of hugging poeple in different situations, but my therapist is not my friend in the normal sense of the word. But I can see that if for instance, a patient just lost a loved one and cries, a fellow humanly hug would not be annatural. So do I think that hugging is inapporiate with a therapist generally speaking? No. Patients are different, therapists are different and culture and local custums may also play a role. Never listen to therpists who answer specific questions on web site in text! (Thiis channel is answering questions with speach and is way more elaborate.) What happens is that nothing personal comes from it because they don't know you and your personal problems So, they say what they're supposed to say and what is technically the right anwser - the anser you have already heard hundreds of times from oher therpaists and from friends, partners, family members etc. That might not be an advice that is any way, shape or form helpful for YOU. A typical example is when a therapist is asked for advice on behaviour in dating sites and she tells you how people may react and what impression you make etc. This completely fails to recognize that not all people want to be likeable in general on these sites. Some, like me, are happy with getting in contact with people withv whom it really works! I don't give a shit about the rest! (Well, I want to be polite and freidndly with them as long as they're not rude to me.) My way of self distructing is to behave in a way I know is detrimental to my relationships. Why do I do that? Because it feels hopeless: I know that I am already too demanding and that the other one will never understand me whatever so it's my way of saying "I am out! I don't know a fucking thing anymore! Accept me, please!" For instance, instaed of telling a friend that I am completely overwhelmed for the moment, whcih will likely not be well received anyway (I would probably get an angry anser tlike "you are responsible for making sure you eat enough!" (and don't tell me that the person has a limit and all that stuff - I alreday know that - that is not of any help - in fact that might be what trigger me to go down the spiral)), I might say "Everybody should just die!".

[@yunhee93]

Why are you leaving?

[@user-oz2ic8om7u]

in any case i had curctains like tha which my mum gaev me, gold velvet, mum always donated them to charity. there was six originally, and they had a heavy cotton lining on the other side. I always loved them, but after a house fire, we gave them to charity. I wonder if you bought those from charity, maybe they were mine.lol

[@deermind3059]

I.m Korean Mr Kim Hak Soo. I happy now.Beacouse of you ^^ I study English with your voice .^^ I'm sorry but I'm smart man^^ You look like fllower deer.^^

[@karrisaleonard993]

Hopelessness

[@candytwiggytwist3506]

This 'ethical bounderies' that impose or forbid what concerns privat life of a therapist and a client look kindda KuKluxKlan to me. No organization or any oficial service should have right to decide about someone's private, romantic or sex (!)life. You can always make up some examples, explanations, arguments and whatnot but the truth is, people's private lives concern only them and nobody else!